Boring Stuff

Racked with guilt (ceh,aku cam pandai-pandai aje) TDM, boss ku yang berambut ginger itu, since semalam lagi dok hantar text la, call lah just to ask if I am holding up well (baru padan muka hang, ingat apa, I ni tak pandai menjawab ke?)

My partner reckoned that both of us behaved like 2 schoolgirls, as in, I dok merajuk-rajuk and si TDM dok memujuk-mujuk. The thing is, I told TDM that I was upset with her (as I write this, my kemarahan dah jadi past tense) When she was pestering for the reason, kepalaku yang beku beserta slow reception yang semula jadi, I can't think of why I was annoyed with her. Si TDM ni pulak, perhaps guilty gilababi (ye la, kat sini, kalau boss cakap kat orang bawahan tak bertapis, siaplah kena bawak masuk Industrial Tribunal)

I decided that I really have to rise above my shitty feelings by agreeing to speak to this Asperger guy, nak bunuh diri sangat katanya.With me already feeling like to kill someone and this guy dengan tak fed-up fed-up nya nak bunuh diri sendiri, our combination was perfect like a hair gel. When the session ends, I realised that all I did was staring at him. I let him talk and talk, answering his own questions and confusion, while I just sat there giving him a blank stare. I think that what brought my mind back to the room is when he asked 'What do you think I should do?'

Today I went to work an hour late. I decided to have a lie in longer with F, something that I have not done in the longest time. From what I previously wrote, you may guessed that we have a such volatile relationship. Sometime we do.We fight and argue and we both never win. I am such a headstrong character.And I often wonder why F had stayed. (Ni tak termasuk kisah-kisah kain buruk we all yang dah puas ku war-war dalam blog ni tanpa rasa malu)

On the tube, I realised why I was so upset with my boss. I was having a hard time at work prior to this, with all that back stabbing and stuff. Si TDM helped a lot, in her own way. Her tongue may be very sharp but she is giving as good as she can get.I have a lot of respect (walaupun my spare time at work banyak dihabiskan bersama Miss Nigeria bergossip mengutuk dia)

I made a list of my feelings today and in the end, I discovered that I was upset because I feel that after all the work that I have done, she still think very less of my capability and all made worst by showing me up to the bosses (by sending her emails to them) Tak sakit hati kau? I tried finding other similarisation, and I remember this guy, a friend of mind once told me how he fell out big time with his dad. This guy kira nya kera sumbang, didn't mixed with people his age and orang kampung and keep himself to himself. Although all that, he is very docile to his parents and will work very hard to pleased them, tak kisahlah orang nak cakap apa. One day, terjadilah satu masalah kecil and what his parents did was to listen to outsiders rather than believe in their own son. This guy told me, 'I can stand when people bully me, disrespect, slander me of all kind but what I can't take is my own parents not having faith in me'. Hah...sampai sudah lari dari rumah. Tinggal mak bapak, tinggalkan kampung.

That is how I really feel about the whole thing. Not so much on the orang sewel issue but with people that I looked up to the most, boleh question my ability. But, as I was told, 'This is business, we still have to deliver our service'. Meaning, segala feeling, feehlong boleh bawak gi masuk dalam longkang. Cisss...