About Me

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Hati Batu

Makruh sangatlah puasa I hari ni.Habis aje menjadik nurse tak bertauliah i.e. membagi mandi and bagi makan, I opted to gurin-gurin atas katil.Seksa tau, dah lah tak sahur and kena siapkan food untuk orang lain makan.This is the agony bila tak kerja.At least when you're at work, tak terasa sangat perut nan kosong, tapi bila kat rumah, masa ni lah terkenang air kopi yang tak habis yang dah sejuk dalam mug (mind me, my favourite is always cold black coffee!!!)

When your (my) body is idle, macam-macam benda yang nak dipikir dalam kepala, especially benda-benda yang tak patut.I was thinking about the people that I'm not in speaking term with, some of them still alive and kicking and some of them (one,only one) is now somewhere in heaven looking down at me.

We often (why shouldn't we?) associate Ramadhan and Syawal with a noble things like rekindling bad relationships, especially with families. Okay...let's discuss this.

When we have a disagreement with people (apa kes, nak bergaduh-gaduh dengan kucing kan, Kiah?) we bound to see how others are so keen to help to get things right for the affected parties. Why wouldn't they, siapa yang suka tengok orang bergaduh/bermasam muka and berkecik-kecik hati sesama sendiri kan? I used to get involved, especially if I know how much they mean to one another.But eversince I started to have conflict of my own, getting involved is no longer a clever things to do. I believe that we get into a difficult situation, we quite rightly have a reason to do so. Having disagreement is normal, we can't expect others to see things the way we do, and when we do see things the way we do, we can get very iffy when others don't and not prepared even to give us the benefit of our doubt.

I think I was mature enough to start my first ever disagreement with my late uncle. I think I was only 14, not mature enough but certainly not stupid.However enough to scar my feelings for him.It's all started when I talk back, I wasn't prepared to be bullied over things I think I didn't do wrong, but the family elders or shall I say, in our community for anyone younger voicing disagreement to anyone older is a no-no.I was called 'kurang ajar' and I stand up for it. After that, all I get from them was a snide remark all the time I can remember. I stopped speaking to the whole lot. I know they are after my humble apology for speaking out. Sorry but no one is getting it. It was a long feud between me and that side of a family, surprisngly, my father was very calm about it, considering that it was his brother that I am angry with.But I believe my parents know that I am not the sort of person who like to cause conflict. My parents tried to talk me into mending the badly burnt bridges...but, I am so certain that I did nothing wrong and I want to prove that. In the end, my uncle passed away. I was at work when my father broke the new in tears. I went to see his body, say my prayer and kissed his forehead. But, I didn't apologised, because there's is nothing to apologised for.Sampai sudah masih berfeeling-feeling Tenggang kan? When I think about it, the only thing that I did was speaking out, voicing my disagreement with him and like any elders, he took offence and I can't be responsible for that. I do see his wife and my cousins every now and then and I also know about how they once actively slandering me all over, speaking ill of my non-tolerance behaviour, but hey, until they turned dumb, who else can stop them?

Once more I got into another family feud, with my Mak Janda aunt (I am not slagging off any divorcee but my aunty, she is one hell of a different case) I never really argue with her and I am always this docile kind of person who gets whats given.But she is just one horrible person and everyone just put up with her, maybe because she is janda anak 4.All other family member is making allowances for her acid tongue yang takde insurance tu.Whenever I'm upset with her, my mother always remind me of her predicament yang sengsara ditinggal laki and have to bear with 4 anak without any help from the husband and my mother always said that she (my aunt) has a good heart. I believe her, infact I do believe that my aunt really is a good person behind her nasty exterior.But, as the time passed, younger generations refused to be bullied and in my case, enough is enough, I can think for myself and she must be taught a lesson too. I refused to stay docile and quiet much longer. Something happened in my family and I lashed out, at my uncle and this Mak Janda. I physically threatened to kill my uncle in the present of my father and other family members who was stunned looking at me in total disbelief. This quiet little girl is now screaming abuse to a grown up man.

Years after years my mother, the peacemaker....has never stopped to talk me into forgiving them for the sake of the family. Let bygone be bygone lah...biar orang jahat dengan kita, kita jangan lah jadi macam dia.I know that when I'm coming home for raya soon, ni lah antara salah satu dari agenda my mother, selain dari mencarik laki untuk anak dara tua dia ni.

Well, I know my mother meant well, so is everyone of you who tried hard to help yourself into berbaik-baik dengan your own sipencari gaduh.But,do you really think that as a human that we really suka nak bergaduh-gaduh? No we don't. I hated being in this position.But, once hati dah terluka, we ought to let others know that we are hurting that for them who were hurting us that this is not something they should take lightly.I have patients telling me how they're not speaking to their parents anymore...and honestly, to ask them to rekindle their relationship with the troublemaker is not something I gladly suggest.There's a reason for every fight and other than us and the troublemaker, no one else is the wiser.

I am at risk of giving a bad advise here, but, what is the point making amends for the sake of making amends? Can we have peace of mind or peace in the heart for that? Some enemies are not worth making amend with, simply because no matter how hard you tried, they will not be happy and we can't be happy when they're not. Islam quoted that tak bercakap 3 hari can cause dosa besar.As much as we don't want to commit dosa besar by not talking, will it worth talking on daily basis only to be at each others throat?

My mother once said that I am the keras hati type. I do feel bad that fights and disagreement happened, but my heart is already broken and until I made peace within myself, I'm afraid I can't offer any olive branch to people that have caused me grief.

All I can is sorry and now is not the right time. Maybe me and my enemies will find our peace in the world after, insya allah.


****Sungguh tak bermoral posting ini ye...so, jangan tiru macam saya***

11 comments:

Goddess Selene said...

Makji, takotnye uols keras ati sampai mcm tu sekali. Nnt klw mak ada buat salah kat uols mesti uols taknak maafkan mak. *matilamak.. Hiks..

Eh uols, mak pon kadang2 mcm tu jugak. Tapi depends on situation, normally, mak maafkan org yg buat salah ngan mak if they ask for apology. Its not easy for people to step down and say "I'm sorry" unless org tu kaki penipu kann??.. hehehe..

zeti said...

Ajah Esah..i feel the same way too..phew.I know that it may seem so heartless when we cant say sorry or make make amends,but why say it when we dont mean it? lie? dats exactly what others expect of us>"alaa..mintak makhap aje la.."the thing is if i dont stand up to these bullies,no one will.Its better to be the villain in their eyes for the sake of the greater good.Bila kita senyap nanti diorang jugak yg mengumpat and mengadu2 tak tahan with the bully. :p zeti

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Haiyoo..Makji Eton, kan I dah warning awal-awal, posting ni sungguh takde moral and tak boleh nak diambik iktibar pon....jgn lah takut. I usually will tell ppl what I think of them we we disagree...depends lah they all nak accept camana, tapi kalau hati ikhlas menegur,sama-sama buat salah kan bagus? Example yg I bagi ni semuanya set-set bodo sombong, tak nak mengaku silap...and I pun takde masa lah nak layan. Hehhehe...kenapa, Makji nak gaduh dgn I ke? Pasal apa? Score Wii?

Zeti...ni lagi sorang.Now I feel awful that you dah identify with my tak bermoral posting, however, we all have our own mind kan? Take care...

Lee Novotny said...

Hah kau memang keras kepalalah makji!!!! Mak takotlaaaa.. ehhh takleh jumpa laaa no raya nanti sebab uols balik,kan??? Takboleh lah nak bermaaf maafan dan cium cium tangan, kan?? hehehehehe

Patutlah terus menerus dgn F nih..dia pun keras kepala kan??? Mentally challenged as I remember u said before...now I uunderstand!

BUT whatever it is, I pun benci taw sanak sedara yang macam bagus... ah banyaklah kan cerita tapi malas nak cerita sebab venci!

Tapi kan, kata orang..sedangkan Nabi pun memaafkan umat..... :)

Manal said...

Makji....in my case ade gak la some hamba allah cousin bodo tu yg tuduh i scandal dgn her hubby but didnt have the guts to face me up? she made huge fuss in front of her mum (pak dia dah passed away) and my parents that i told my mum to tell her (in their next meet) that i dared her to bersumpah by holding the quran. Kecut lak minah tu n then had the cheeks to declare that me and her no longer in that "line of fire". Lain kali coba la mess with me again kan?

U must be "the legend" among ur immediate families then? ;-)

Cik Kiah Kidman said...

Sapa kata dgn kekucing tak boleh gaduh?

For e.g. 'Monty, who says you can go out after dinner?'

Well, he totally ignored me and scoot off through the window anyway..!

then when i got hold off him, he mumbled obscenities at me.

The Pisces Man said...

Can totally relate with u la cik jolie hoi... I remember the one time I talked back to one aunt after being constantly humiliated by this kaum kerabat (tak kira ler ada ke takda org lain yg younger than me around that time, which could be very humiliating)... sumer terkujat sampai in one family meeting, they asked me any kept feelings I wanted to let out. Tapi aku buat dono ajer... coz

1. the family meeting itself is sooooo not my thing,
2. i said my piece that day and it's understandable that it was time they were taught a lesson.

We never bermaaf2xan secara rasmi, hanya sekadar salam2x time raya + cakap2x pun, dlm keadaan pretend nothing happened (tapi jangan harap aku nak lupa)...

Anyway, skrg, in UK posa agak lama ya...? I remember last time, when posa time was during winter, ada oghang Msia sanggup gi cuti kat UK semata2x nak rasa posa pendek... how weird...

Selamat Berposa Yaaa....

P/S: Wei... tengok la video anak aku yg comel lote tuh, either at my blog or click here:
http://www.metacafe.com/watch/793070/babys_songs/

Halamanku said...

Ala, speaking pasal aunty uncle nie, sure every family ada kan, mine is the aunty belah bapak, my dad's sis, janda jugak, beranak satu, tapi perangai takdelah mulut
setan, tapi perangai yg suka ambik kesempatan tu yg ticks us off, even my mum pun ada cerita yg masa dia mula2 kahwin ngan my dad tu, setiap hari bagaikan �minggu
orientasi�. At this moment jugak im not at speaking term with a fren of mine, im not saying she's the enemy but true enough, it's not worth making any effort to amend it *habislah $ yg i pinjam kat dia tu hhuuhu... anyhow, i do know a fren frm our circle
of fren tu hope tat it will all be solved and then masa raya nanti can huha huha 2gether, but i doubt it.

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Hati mmg keras Lee, nak wat camne, hereditary kan? Nak cium-cium tangan ala-ala HRH Royal Majesty tu ke?

Legend kau kata, manal? Black sheep ada laaa

And your point is, Kiah?

They should just let the sleeping dog lie, kan..Pieces Man? Selamat Berposa to you too...I ada dengar org yg commute to sabah serawak just to have the liberty to buka posa awal..camne tu?

Laman...gaduh-gaduh gak..duit misti mintak balik laaa...

tokasid said...

salam makji Esah:

That problem arises kerana generation gap. Bukan gap umur tapi gap pemikiran. Orang2 veteran ni mereka di besarkan dgn di larang cakap/bantah/bangkang pendapat orang tua.Walaupun masa depa muda, depa pun pernah bantah/bangkang orang tua,tapi mungkin caranya lain. Cara depa kalau tak setuju angin, depa diam dan wat dono saja. habih2 kuat, ada yang lari dari kampong dan balik bila dah successful dalam idup depa.

Yang menggemparkan perbotan Esah ialah Esah lawan cakap balik kata uncle tu. And masa tu Esah umor 14 taon dan budak pompuan pulak tu! So mana tak gempabumi jadinya family you( anyway kena tgk juga family you keturunan apa, Bugis ka, Minang ka, Jawa ka, Patani ka....semua ni ada kesan pada mentaliti elders kita).

During my time( aku pun bukan tua sangat), memang jarang bantah( in the sense lawan balik perkataan masa tu)dgn orang tua, kalau tak setuju pun buat derk saja. Lepaih tu boleh gi jumpa balik dgn orang tua tu(if kita rasa perlu) and expalin why kita tak setuju. Most of the time depa akan faham walau pun masih tak bergenjak dari opinion asal depa.

People like that, selalunya tak akan mahu beralah sebab kalau dia beralah dia akan rasa malu dan hina-dina kerana kalah bertekak dgn orang muda,dah tu anak saudara sendiri pulak lagi.

Bagi aku, orang macam ni tak perlu di layan sangat ego dia. Biarlah dia nak rasa menang ka apa ka. Yang penting apa yg kita buat juga tidak salah.Kalau apa yg kita buat memang nyata salah dan dia tegur kita tak boleh terima, itu dah kes lain.

As for Makcik janda banak pat tu, yes selalunya adik badik dia akan rasa kesian teramat sangat kat dia pasai laki dah tinggalkan dia. Bagi famili dia adalah mangsa( lain lah laki cabut lari sebab tak tahan laser dia..laki yg sebenarnya mangsa) keadaan. Selalunya makcik janda banak pat akan dapat immuniti dari di laserkan semula oleh adik badik yang lain. Jadi bermaharanilela lah makcik janda banak pat tu. Tiba-tiba seorang nangoi bernama Esah dare to bertikam lidah dengan makcik janda banak pat. Mahunya tak gempabumi sekali lagi.

Selalunya memang sukar nak ubah sikap atau perangai orang. Begitu jugak orang susah nak ubah sikap dan perangai kita. Masing2 kita ada ego tersendiri. Ada ego banyak ada ego yg sikit.

Yang ugama suruh jangan sampai tak bertegur sapa ada sebabnya. ALLAH tak saja-saja nak buat macam tu. Dalam Islam silaturrahim amat penting. Arahan ALLAH secara tak langsung nak suruh kita tundukan ego dalam diri masing2. Yang sebelah lagi boleh tundukkan ego depa ka dak is not the point. Kalau kita boleh hubung semula silaraturrahim, Alhamdulillah. If they can't, then its too bad for them. Macam Esah la ni dok UK, depa yg lain dok Malaysia. Kalau Esah jumpa dan berbaik semula, lepas tu Esah dah celah balik ke UK, jadi you tak payah nak ngadap depa sampai 4-5 kali setahun kan?

Mengapa kita dan pihak depa susah nak berbaik semula?Sebab masing2 ego besar. memang kalau depa salah dan Esah betoi, tapi I don't see why Esah tak boleh start berbaik semula?Adakah Esah rasa akan kalah kalau Esah yg mulakan berbaik semula? Atau Esah takut malu kalau Esah bagi ranting zaiton, depa akan campak ranting tu? Di sisi ALLAH, siapa yg memulakan damai semula tu dia lah yg lebih mulia. kalau kita dah nak berbaik tapi pihak satu lagi tak mau, di sisi ALLAH depa yg hina.

Tapi apapun itu adalah hak Esah jugak akhirnya. To forgive and forget is your personal right.
Tapi bagi aku, kalau minta maaf tak ada pun akan memalukan atau menjatuhkan martabat kita.

Sorry la aku bebel macamlah blog ni aku yang punya. Its just that I cannot comprehend macamana adik beradik saudara mara boleh gaduh sampai macam tu sekali sampai tak mahu mahap-mahap. Tu saja.

Minta mahap Makji Esah noo...ini cuma pendapat aku, boleh di buang ke tongsampah atau boleh ambik mana patut.

Selamat sambung posa.

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Oh atuk....point taken, point taken...

Religious belief aside, I shall share with you what I learn from the context of psychology, we may forgive ppl only after we forgave ourselves. As I mentioned, I am a very docile person.The similarity between 2 incidents (had I not say) is my act of defence of my late brother.He was badly bullied by these people.Hence, I cannot forgive myself as I failed to protect him and because of that, I may make peace with my sedara mara (senyum tapi tak cakap..boleh kira ke ni?) but I can't find it in my heart to give them the satisfaction that I am all out to make peace with them.This is the satan in me...of which I never denied.I can only pray as I believe that what bestowed is from the one above. Reading everyone comment gives pleasure...they want a good thing to happen but forgiveness is easy not on the eyes of the beholder.Being a hard nose is not always easy, Tok..and this, I assure you is not about ego.The ego is long gone, gone with the broken heart.

But alhamdulillah, I will keep yr wise word in mind.