For Abang

This year is ending. (okay..kalau uols baca posting ni di tahun baru, silalah mahapkan kebengongan mobile phone tenet ku ini yeah)

For you who don't know...ye lah...I kan kendakang benda2 private tak suka share dgn orang gitu, this year I lost another brother. For this posting, I want to talk about him.

It is only 2 years gap between us. We were very close when we were growing up. From what I gather, he is Appa and Amma pride and joy. Sebab dia anak sulung jantan maybe.

I remember that he always gets what he wants.

I remember that he always gets things that is the top of the range.

I remember that he excels in getting himself out of the pickle situation he created.

As we get slightly older, our father spent most of his times working away. Not having a father around at the age when you are about to start questioning the world is not ideal. Looking back I think Appa must have regretted the effect on not being there during Abang's sensitive age.

What I remember clearly that he grew up to be the spoil-est self appointed brat who run rings around Amma.

Growing up seeing him manipulating my parents, hassling every inch of my parents life and causing heart and headache sort of molded me into a docile child who wish not to be the same as him and not adding anymore on top of many issues my parents were facing when the kids are growing up.

See, I chose to be the docile one because I have to.

Of course with him being super difficult and rebellious one, the parents allegiance switched to the anak2 yang tak membuat hal. The jealousy started. To Abang, I am Appa's apple. What worse, Appa pulak menunjuk-nunjuk, probably thinking that (showing me up to him) will change Abang's ways. Illek pochik!

We have good moments too, well..when he is not too consumed by his hard done by feelings. What he didn't know that we (the adik2) had to work hard to get what we want.

In the recent years, our relationship take turn for the worst. Tak payah lah I cerita banyak2 but suffice say, my kepala batu and his unreasonable behaviour is a concoction of bad cocktails. He is by all account, envied the hell out of me.

I can only suspect that he is envious because I am the one Appa trusted to lead the adik-adik. But I think most of all, he envied the fact that I am the person he is not.

But what Abang didn't know is that, I am too, envious of him. I am dead envious that he got to do exactly what he wants irregardless. He doesn't have any care for the world and for how others may feel. If you think that selfish person had it all, that is by all account is right.

Our family had a difficult 2 years. In that time, his irresponsibility causes frictions and pushing me right out of his way. He had a difficult 2 years too. His marriage collapsed. I was told that everything started to break into pieces when his wife left him. In that two years, he has upsets so many people, and his own family are not spared.

Abang died peacefully in his sleep. My sister told me that he spent his last week calling up people to apologise.Of course at that time nobody took him seriously ---the amount of time...I'm sorry but I'll do it again.He called up Amma and put her mind at rest, finally. 3 days after telling Amma that he has make peace with Allah and himself, he left us without a goodbye.

I am glad that his final journey was made easy, if only, that is the only easiest journey he had in his life.

I want to remember good things about him. After he left and until today, I did not cry. I dreamt of him, but because we bergaduh so much in our lifetime, mimpi pun mimpi bergaduh.

But my Abang, despite all the bad traits he developed thanks to his surroundings, is the kindest man I know. He taught me to do whatever my heart desires. When I decided to migrate to England and Appa wasn't happy, he encouraged me and said...if I were you, I just go. Nevermind if you be this anak derhaka for now as long as you are happy. No so nice lah..but still...

I get to do cool things with him too. When we were little, he taught me many adventurous things, an experience a girl can only learn from her brother.

I remember when he first joined the boy scout and got to go camping. He came back and told me how exciting the camping was and persuaded Appa to let me come with him camping. Appa said no. In the end, he re enacted camping scene with khemah and food cooking belakang rumah for me to see what the fuss is all about. (it short-lived ..masuk senja, Amma think it is clever to tell us that Si Panjang kaler hitam akan datang lalu lalang depan khemah----mencicit I dgn dia masukrumah)

I last properly spoke to him during my younger brother wedding. He was trying to make amend by buying me a blueberry cake for my birthday.  But I was too cooped up. Macam sial perangai. He was sad and he told Amma & Appa. At that time I am glad that I actually for once managed to made him sad.

Yes. I cried when typing the above paragraph. I cried because my one and only Abang, the coolest one as I like to remember, the one who will actually never stop trying to make things better even though it turn out worst, has died.

I will always love you....because, you are my Abang. Al-Fatihah.

That Particular Guest....Again!!!

Iskkk...tak pueh hati ni. If you want to call me petty, silakan. Selepas banyak kali disakithatikan orang pada tahun ni, being called 'petty' wouldn't hurt me an inch.

So with the guest extending her stay in my flat without menanya kami-kami okay ke tidak...dengan rasa tak bersalah nya, I thought that sebagai punca masalah, ye lah..sebab aku lah yang bagi permisi dia dok rumah I kannn? So, I decided to take her out jalan-jalan. So that I can give orang dalam rumah tu meng enjoy cuti weekend mereka. Yes, I felt bad. Dah la kami2 ni set kerja buruh kasar kann, so any time off dalam rumah adalah ditunggu-tunggu. I know my flatmate wouldn't mind so much orang datang rumah, but with this particular guest, yang tak pandai bawak diri...they kira bengang gak la.

But MB1 kan berbudi bahasa tinggi gittew, maka dia pun ikutlah I bawak budak tu jalan2. I tanyalah...ada tempat yang dia tak teringin nak pergi ke? Maka budak tu kata dia nak pi sini lah, sanalah etc etc. I takdelah melayan nafsunya but I opted to drive ke tempat yang hanya 2 jam jauhnya dari rumah I. We try to have fun but ......okay, this is where I think that the more intelligent you get the more socially inept you become. Ye lah, your kepala hotak penuh dengan information saja. You may know about everything around the world, impressing people with your Mayan's analogy, your agnostics view what have you but...

1. You menumpang rumah orang...buah tangan pun tak reti nak bawak ke? Tidak lah tuan rumah mintak. No...to be honest, I don't think Tuan Rumah will ask for anything unless if he/she is profit orientated. Selalu, kalau I pergi rumah orang, tak banyak sikit pun I will bawak some goodies tak pun I will take the host out for meals. Ye lah, orang dah bangi you menumpang...tak kan belanja Mekdi pun boleh jatuh miskin kan? Nope. This girl, jangan kata nak bawak Ferraro Roche kotak kecik, by the time she left the house, I was told, she finished off our Hotel Chocolat box set. Yes we offered her for a taste, but perlukah kau habiskan satu kotak?

2. Seriously, I think me and the MB's are really peghak. We don't always know whats in the market and what is the latest in thing. But I think we are happy with what we have. Takde barang mahal2 pun tak apalah. Susah betul I nak respect orang yang bercerita betapa cool nya henbeg Michael Kors, telling you how they already have few in their collections and is about to get another one or two yang hok terbaru. So off we send you to your shopping heaven, but when we stop for coffee, you just sat there, tunggu orang tanya nak makan/minum apa and in the end pandai cakap aje nak minum sekian2 late with specific low fat milk. Takdelah tanya if we want any cash contribution ke...or jadi insan responsible sikit pergi bayar rega kopi kann? Tak. Haram takde. But with me, duit can cari. So MB1 bought me a cake I like and thought of sharing it with me. MB1 ajak dia rasa sikit. But she ended up eating the bing chunk of it and nothing left for me.

3. Total of 4 days dia dok rumah kami. Cadangnya satu malam and off the next day. But she invited herself for that extension and making plans to see her other friends. So off she go and meet all these friends of hers and came back telling us how lovely all those expensive French Pattiseries was and telling MB1 she was stuffed. So on the last night, lepas dia kata dia dah kenyang macam anak babi tu, when MB1 was reheating leftover for herself, dia dok mengendeng dekat2 MB1 and MB1 macam terpaksa lah tanya, would you like some....and she said YES. MB1 yang dah sehari suntuk tak makan tu, kau dgn muka tak malunya mintak leftover yang chiput tu?

4. Not only that takde pun nak offer chip in duit minyak kannn....bila MB1 nak gi bayar, dia boleh pesan MB1 belikan dia pastry and coffee dalam M&S tu. Well, MB1 said dia tanya if she wanted anything...and bila kita2 ni cuma mintak mineral water aje, dia melampau mengambik kesempatan mintak macam2 pastu makan dalam kereta sensorang and selit sampah kat kereta MB1. (Ohh..did I mentioned...she invited herself to sit on the co pilot seat and fiddle with the stereo? Yes...

5. On the day that dia berambus...err, partly because I refuse to accomodate her by driving her to the place she wants to go dan aku buat excuse tempat tu jam macam macam laknat, she thought she need to find a place closer to it ---boleh Kiah, dan dn tu, ada pulak kawan dok Central London nun. (Apasal kau tak dok rumah dia and come to mine? I'm not even your friend) And sebab dia dah shopping banyak lah jugak maka dia pun macam hint2 lah..ohh macam mana I nak hangkut barang2 I pi tempat tu? So...I offered to drive her to the closest station. Dalam hati..okay lah..dia pun dah nak berams kannn? But what I tak paham...tak rasa bersalah kah kau meng impose beban kau kat orang? Pandai bawak barang berat..pandai lah hangkut beg pergi naik bas, ye tak?

6. MB1 tidied up after she left. In my bin, MB1 found the empty box of 6 expensive cupcakes and a box of macaroons. I rasa macam kena tampar dengan bekas IGP yang menampar DSAI tu. All the food MB1 offered you, prepared for you...dapat tidur kat katil empuk I while I macam pelarian tido atas sofa...you have no audacity, to even offered us...a slice for 3 of us to share?

Seriously, I betul2 malu. Malu dgn MB's. Si orang putih tu cakap...she is as bad as budak berwawasan kawan cemolot Capt Lukman yang masa kami tergagau nak bayar parking takde coins and tak cukup 20p, he didn't offer us anything...but he in return just makan minum kat cafe yang ditaja oleh weols. Macam lahanat kan?

Mana budi bahasa kita? Adakah sebab kita student, kita rasa orang jangan expect kita to pay our way but to be subsidised? You think just because people are kind enough to HOST your stay, there will be no need to even show some puny gratitude?!

Tak banyak sikit...offer lah. Yes, if she had offered me money, I akan rasa tak sedap because that is not the reason for everything. But, dah le duduk menompang rumah orang, kau berfeeling2 duduk hotel mengunci pintu pastu tunggu orang hidang food.

MB Putih hari ni cakap dgn I....okay, can you not invite her again. Malaysian apart from Hjh Leemah, Fiona Shanana, Capt Lukman, Dr Lurpark and few of my other frens are RUDE and opportunist.

I wanted to tell this girl what I think....but MBs cakap....kalau orang dah tak ada rasa bersalah buat perangai cenggitu, you rasa dia akan sedar kah? Nanti you jugak yang nampak jahat.

(Mode panas hati)

Guest

Semenjak dua tiga menjak ni.....ramai pulak tetamu datang rumah. I dengan MB1 ni ber konsep, kalau orang datang rumah kita, orang itu membawa rezeki so, usahlah nak berkira-kira kerana Allah akan membalas budi baik kita kat orang. Githoooo uols.

Tapi orang putih dalam rumah I tu pulak...sama seperti orang putih yang lenlain pada am nya...akan berkata, eh, apasal nak duduk rumah ni? Tak boleh ke dia dok hotel?! Free loader sungguh! Ekcherliii....orang putih dalam rumah tu okay. Ye lah..ni yang kenkadang I dengan MB1 tak paham..orang2 melayu kita ni.

Dah le datang nak tumpang rumah orang...ada pulak set yang buat macam hotel tak pun rumah sendiri saja. Tu yang si putih tu kedang kala bengang juga.

Sementelah ittew...I think posting ini ditulis untuk tips dan guidance untuk orang2 yang bakal menumpang rumah orang dimasa depan ye...tak kiralah short term atau long term.

1. Rules Nombor satu....find out who owns the space and remember it. Ye, kita rasa kita pi tumpang rumah kengkawan kita tapi kita juga kenalah ingat, ada orang lain juga yang mungkin membayar sewa.Unless tempat yang you tumpang tu adalah hakmilik penuh kawan you, maka perlulah you menghormati si rakan kongsi tuan rumah ittew. Maksud I, macam...kalau I pi menumpang rumah Dr Lurpak, adalah tidak manis rasanya kalau I tak menegur swomi nya dan meng acknowledge yang T-Bag ittew adalah owner jua. Beringatlah...we are in someone's space.

2. Rules Nombor dua, always remember yang kita ni menumpang. Selalunya orang melayu macam I ni...akan mengutamakan keselesaan penumpang. Sebab I dah biasa masa I kecik2 dulu, makpak I ajar.Tapi kann....bila orang dah bagi you comfort, you janganlah pulak berfeeling2 duduk hotel dan lupa diri pulak. Okay...bebaru ni...adalah sahabat lama I mintak I tolong anak buahnya yang datang belajar di UK. I dgn makciknya dah kawan lama so kalau takat nak menompangkan anak sedaranya barang sehari dua, tak jadi hal. Of course I akan tanya hosmet I, mereka pun cakap okay. So datanglah budak ni. Dah le suruh makciknya yang organise tempat tinggal sementara nya, at least make lah effort nak menelepon I ke kan? So she came...muda lagi budak pompuan ni. Datang pun dah gelap. Bingung I...dah le kami2 ni bekerja..pastu nak make sure dia boleh masuk ke rumah. Tidok le dia reti nak bercommunicate dgn i nak bagitahu sampai pukul berapa. Tup2 hantar message kat I kata dah on the way. Lehhh. Nilah dia anak orang melayu alaf baru set-set yang didatangkan dari KL ye. Muka cantik, otak pandai (ye lah..buat postgrad, pandai lah kann?) tapi..manners...zilch. Dalam borak2, idoklah dia kata..thanks la Aunty sebab bagi saya tumpang rumah aunty bla..bla..bla...mulut dia berat. MB1 tanya, sudah makan ke, dia cakap belum. Maka dek kesiankan anak orang, MB1 mustered something to sort her tummy out.Habis kau tadi tak reti ke nak pergi makan sebelum sampai rumah orang? I let her sleep in my room pastu sepanjang2 her stay, bilik I tu macam bilik dia..gasaklah dia mengunci pintu pastu pandai pulak menunjuk muka time nak makan. Eh..kau ingat ni hotel ke kau nak ada2 privacy segala? Dia perasan I tidur kat sofa...tapi macam takdelah nak acknowledge yang I ni bagi keutamaan kat dia. Cakap dgn I pun sebab nak mintak WIFI password. Bleh? Dah perangai cenggitu, all one can hope is cepatlah masa berlalu..sebab rasanya makcik dia kata dia nak tompang 2 hari aje..tup tup, dia pi cakap kat I, dia tak boleh buat apa dia nak buat kat opis gomen kat London nun maka dia akan pergi balik opis tu hari lusa nya. Pun..masih tak tanya, okay tak..if I extend my stay? Takde uolsss...takde.

3. Rules Nombor 3. Berbudi bahasalah..walaupun pertolongan yang kau dapat tu dihulurkan, bukannya kau yang mintak. Yes, I offered my place. (sebab makcik kau kawan baik diriku) so, apa kata kau belikan buah tangan kat orang dalam rumah tu tak pun..offer lah membasuh pinggan lepas orang nak bersilat masak untuk kau menterkedarah kannn? Ni tak...jangan kata Ferraro Roche...offer nak buatkan air untuk tuan rumah pun takde, pastu sedap betul kau memicit Remore Control Sky tu macam reta abah kau kannn? Kami tau student ni duit pun tak berapa nak banyak...(err tapi boleh pulak kau cerita kau pergi beli baju kat Selfridges) tapi apa kata, kau ajak kami ni keluar makan ke..tanda terima kasih, tak gitu?

4. Rules Nombor 4. Masalah kau bukan masalah tuan rumah ye? Dah la makcik ni..dah cukup baik bagi kau menompang so...dengan budi bahasa kau yang cantik sikit aje dari Lindsay Lohan tu, ko rasa ada ke aku kesah kalau kau kena ada kat station ketapi or bus sekian2 time? Kau ingat ini KL ke kau tu nak dihantar dijemput? Boleh pulak kau tanya..macam mana I nak be there on certain time..kalau you guys (yes,,she addressed us as YOU GUYS) takde kat rumah? Patutnya..kau tanya apa plan tuan rumah then kau buat plan kau ikut time tuan rumah, bukannya tuan rumah yang macam di expect kena ambik cuti menunggu kau kat rumah, making sure kau ada access keluar masuk.

Ni lah dia budak KL ye...to be exact..budak sekolah Convent atas Bukit yang rasa diri diorang sama bagus dgn budak TKC. Berlain betul dgn set2 gadis desa yang selang seminit mintak kebenaran..kak..boleh saya minum air kak..kakkk boleh saya guna toilet akakkk...

Okay...I tengah bengang ni. Syukur budak tu akan berambus hari ni.

Everytime...Just Be A Friend

Okay….I filters incoming comments. My reason is selfish, that is because I want to read it first before you do. I figure that since this is my blog, memang sangat tak patutlah kan kalau I dapat information 2nd hand gituh.


I have always been aware that….we may one day come to some disagreement. You don’t like what you read in here. To some of you, when that (disagreement) happens, best thing to do is to leave unflattering comments. Of course lah ni semua kerja manusia anonymous kan…bukannya nak challenge point of view orang dengan cara berhemah.

Adakah I kecik hati lantas tak mempublish comments uols tu? Ohh…kalau setakat uols carut, calling me all sorts of name that you can think of with your limited vocab and bad spellings too, apa yang I dapat dari tempat kerja I hari-hari lagi teruk dari tu. To me, orang yang suka buat kerja2 camtu adalah orang yang tak berapa sihat akal, so pada I, you pun takdelah sihat sangat akal you, and kesimpulannya, kalau I nak berkecik hati pun, I akan buang masa saja. But nasib lah comment you kena CTRL-ALT-DEL kann?

Okay…one for the road before I menyambung kerja. Untuk adik yang bercerita kat I betapa risaunya dia dengan keadaan bff nya yang sedang mengalami relationship problems. Problems tawww….bukannya problem and that with her sticking her oar in, in a caring way is driving a wedge between them.

Wah…where have I heard that before?

Okay, I have friends who tell me stuff too. Stuff that they can’t just tell anyone. I have always bear in mind that when people consult me for advice, one besides the reason that they think they can trust you, these people sometimes don’t tell you stuff because they genuinely want your advice. You could be another pair of ears for them and your views are only sought to validate what they have always known or wanted to do anyway.

If someone is in a bad relationship, chances are, they know about it.There’s a strong possibility that their judgement is clouded by whatever reason. Love is one of them. Other reason could be, kalau ada anak and kalau you dengan orang yang you ada masalah tu are in some sort of enterprise together. I really don’t mean doing business together only. Having a relationship with another person is a partnership that needs working on, day in and day out.

I am with someone that I can tell you now even my closest friends didn’t approved of. I know why. Many wrongs than right. But I am so in love that I am prepared to just ignore the snide comments. Maybe because I know this person so well than the others do. Truth be told, some relationship aren’t great. Our partner can be this philanderer who never intends to change his/her way. Our partner can be….the type who would rather do something exciting that exhilarate them that does not include you. Our partner can be as boring as hell and it is still dull no matter how much sparks one tries to energise.

These sorts of persons may not be ideal in our relationship world. We dream of someone perfect, someone who love us no matter what and worship the ground we walks on, someone who will just be there no matter what….someone Anuar Zain.

But no. We can have Anuar Zain who creeps the happiness out of us but berperangai macam lahanat.We can have the one who worship everything about us but, in many ways..did not ‘get’ us.

We can say that we have the perfect relationship than others or better than our hard done by bff. Unless kawan kita tu mangsa terajang dek laki or boipren nya, terajang physical ye, bukan terajang emosi, maka all we can do is tell our friend how we feel based on our observations. Kalau dia nak dengar, dia dengar. Jangan ingat dia tak dengar just because dia tak buat apa yang you suruh.

Always remember that you are not them. You are not the one who is being tested.

Once I know of a married friend who told me that she is having an affair. She got herself into a pickle and in the end I have to say that I am actually more upset with her, supersedes my sympathy for her and her marriage problems. On the whole I can see a perfect enterprise between her and the husband but maybe not so ideal. She is way too selfish. But that is her.

Then I know another….and that after I learned and observed some truths; hate the living daylights of the husband. I focus on my strength to beef up the wife emotionally. Ohh…that’s what we social worker does, we don’t solve problems but we enable strength to the vulnerable one. Only to realise that…the wife is as bad as the husband, scared of the truth and continue doing what they both do well together, sweeping the their household dust under their carpet.

My point to you is, adik…unless one person is ready to change, they really don’t need your help to change them. Obsessing about others imperfection will only make you despise your good quality. We made bad judgement too. We made as much if not less mistakes than our best mate to know that making mistakes is inevitable in life. We talk silly, do stupid things and practical things do escape our minds.If your friend means a lot to you, you shouldn’t let her imperfections ruins your friendship. Maybe your role will arise soon….to pick up the pieces.

But for now, just be a friend. See her through this. Believe me, you will learn something too.

Good luck 

Malas Nak Fikir

Okay...for those who sent questions about certain issues that is mind bothering, nantilah gua jawab ye. Berblogging amat payah ketika ini.Alasann..alasannn.

For you who has been very kind to my community cause, yes..terima kasih. Email us privately, tell us your plan about merampok duit laki mu, duit laki jiran mu. Orang jantan ni kalau ada duit berlebih karang lain pulak jadinya...kalau dia beli Rolex takpe, buatnya dia buat masuk meminang pelakon drama swasta gediks tah mana2?

December seems to be our favourite month to reflect on what we have done for the past 11. Then we will start planning a new resolution. Tu untuk set-set yang semedang masuk tahun baru aje nak pasang resolution. I remember making many resolutions and can't remember sticking to any. I think I only stick to few...tu pun bila dah kena kat batang hidung sendiri and bila bubur dah jadik nasik. Like, some years ago...masa masih menjadik student, resolution masa tu ialah...dah malas nak menyibuk hal orang. Not like I ni suka menyibuk pasal orang but I remember caring too much and sharing too many. In the end, dapat pulak title batu api. Hek elehhh hai. I remember being confronted and lepas tu macam dapat reputation pulak menjadi pengadudomba. What saddens me is that orang yang I tolong tu terus tak nampak kebaikan I. So that is it. After that, kalau ada orang datang cerita kat I masalah dia, I dengar saja. Nak sambung lelebih, sorry naaa. But ini zaman sekolah. Zaman dah tua pulak, bila dengar cerita, cuba sedaya upaya tak nak ambik side sesapa. Sebab kita pun tatau hujung pangkal nya. Orang ni cakap dgn kita macam ni. Kita dengar. Tapi sebenarnya dimata orang lain lain pulak perception nya. Kita dengar juga. Ambil tahu jugaklah sebab dia tu kawan kita. Tapi nak lebih2 tak ada. Bagi nasihat sikit2 yang berupa, tak payahlah kau nak bersusah2 ati memikir hal orang. That's about it.

Tahun ni...ada banyak plan dan banyak pancaroba. Tapi pancaroba itu bagus sebab kita tahu siapa berada disekeliling kita sebenarnya. Jalan yang kita lalui tak selalunya lurus. Orang baik yang kita jumpa juga tak selalunya baik. Ada yang bermotif tersembunyi. Ada juga yang...motif tersembunyi ke tak tersembunyi ke, tah apa benda motif dia sampai sudah I taktau. I have stop being friends with few. Ohh..bukannya kita ni tak bagus memutuskan silaturrahim? But silaturrahim macam ni, tak ada pun tak apa. Biarlah. I don't fight...but I sure ignore. Kalau you antara yang kena ignore tu, selamat lah ye. Jodoh kita sudah habis. You tak pandai hormat perasaan saya, maka saya harap janganlah kita melalui jalan yang sama.Boleh gitu aku?

Yes, diwaktu free, I will do my own good samaritan facebook line, yakni memberi nasihat (kepada yang meminta) dan mendengar luahan perasaan (kepada yang nak meluah) manusia-manusia berjiwa kacau dalam friendlist I tu. I was talking to this young girl who is getting married soon. She wasn't sure. Macam2 dipikirnya. When she told me macam-macam, I asked..apanya yang macam-macam? She was vague. Bunyik nya macam banyak la sangat masalah so I asked her to list them down. With the list, we both go through it together one by one. Adalah 2,3 aje sebenarnya that is bothering her. But the list keep adding. Semuanya anxiety. Last2 I cakap dengan dia..you ni fikir banyak sangat lah. So I bagi dia nasihat yang siapa2 pun boleh bagi sebenarnya..yang jangan membebankan diri dengan benda yang kita tak boleh tanggung. Nak menanggung ikut kemampuan gitu. Ye lah..macam gi shopping lah..bershopping lah mengikut kemampuan dan credit limit Mastercard, kan?

(Why are we thinking too much)

She loves her boyfren. By the sound of it, they have went through a lot. He seems like a nice guy. Sudah kawan 2, 3 tahun juga. I think many of us like to think that marrying someone is also solving a problem. What is the connection? I listen to her talking...to me benda yang takde masalah pun jadi masalah. Orang bermasalah ni selalunya defensive. Benda yang pada kita nampak macam takde hal, pada dia benda tu menggunung bebannya. Orang bermasalah juga..suka berpusing-pusing. Masalah sebenarnya B...tapi dia doklah menyusahkan kepala hotak nya pasal A. So with this girl, what is actually bothering her is B problem but she keeps on talking about masalah A yang kurang penting. Then I realised that she is reluctant to talk and to solve the real problem.Meaning? Err, katalah masalah dia boipren nya curang..hati kata blah lah saja. Otak kata...alamak kenduri dah dekat...langkah penyelesaian yang patut diambil? Entah...nantilah. Orang tu dah mintak mahap. Tapi yang sebenarnya hati kita masih sakit. tapi..biarkanlah hati tu sakit. Bila hati tu sakit...benda lain pun ikut sakit juga. Contoh tau ni...

Then I cakap...buat apa bercakap atau nak pikir pasal tu? If you are not bothered to do anything then...diam sajalah. But of course lah I tak bagitau dia benda ni. She is way too fragile. She is scared. Scared that when the wedding day is near, dia dgn boipren nya dok bergaduh gaduh lagi. Gaduh pasal apa? Pasal macam-macam lah Makji. Ohh...sungguh vague. When I probe further, she shrugged it off as, malas nak pikir.

Okay lah.

How many of us suka benar resign to konsep malas nak pikir ni? Ramai.

You always tell your friends about your husband philandering ways...and still going. Your concerned friends tried helping you to see though it but your attitude to our problem is always, malas nak pikir.You fikir bila you nak fikir. Hari ni kalau rasa nak ambik off day fikir, you stop thinking. Besok lusa benda tu datang balik and fact is, esok lusa benda tu masih lagi jadi masalah tertangguh dan berpanjangan. You think for now it is bearable.

So, I cakap lah dengan si adik ni, macam ni lah. Masalah you, hidup you. Kalau you nak biar benda ni berakar dalam kepala tu dan lama2 akar tu jadi keras, itu pilihan you. But you mesti ingat, masalah you melibatkan orang lain yang mungkin bergantung nasib or harap pada you. Selagi you tak selesaikan, selagi tu you akan menyakitkan hati orang dan hati you sendiri.

Tapi saya nak jaga hati dia, makji....kata nya.

Ye lah, jaga hati lah ni. Tapi you yang tak tentu arah. Sekarang ni sibuk kerja boleh lah bertangguh nak selesai masalah. Besok masalah ni akan datang depan muka you balik. By the time you nak tunggu masa sesuai, kemungkinan ada masalah baru yang bertambah lagi daripada masalah yg ini. And you ended up with two maybe three masalah yang sama.

I cakap dgn dia, kalau you rasa keputusan you nak jaga hati dia, maka itulah keputusan you. Jangan pusing belakang lagi. Sebabnya, you choose to put him first and you 2nd. Tak payah pikir lagi. Redha saja.

Tapi hati saya sakit, makji...

Then, you know what to do. If you want to wait...you wait. Don't stress. But always remember, problem ni kalau disimpan, jadi besar, bukan nya jadi kecik.

We leave it at that. She sounded so stress. Ye lah, bila tengah rajin pikir ni, stress lah. But she like to do the malas nak pikir act and of course, consciously and unconsciously, accumulating smaller issues into big fat one.

Mengapakah kita...dalam pada nak jaga sangat hati orang, suka sangat menyusahkan diri sendiri?

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Some Stories

Kawan-kawan yang dikasihi....cehhwahhh....yes, I sangat busy. Maklumlah nak Xmas kan? Duduk dinegara orang putih macam ni lah...bila nak masuk je musim perayaan diorang kerja yang selalunya ber deadline lambat2 tetiba jadi serta merta sebab orang yg in-charge nya bakal berchotti Xmas. Kalau takat chotti Xmas aje tak apa...sampai ke NY lak tu.

A happy birthday to all the December children who turns 40 this year :)

Let's do local news. Yes, contrary to the legend yang orang Malaysia suka kata org overseas taktau hal dalam negara sendiri, I do read Malaysian newspaper. Tak kisah lah sokabar tu pro or anti gomen. Everyone have their own versions of stories to tell. Kita yang membaca ni kenalah memakai otak, ye tak?

So, this girl died. Jatuh tingkap on the way nak jumpa boipren. Centa punya pasal terlupa dia akan impact gravity yang tak akan nya menolong bila benda yang digunakan untuk menampung berat badan adalah tudung-tudung yang diikat simpul aje adik oii. Aruah appa I selalu kata, kalau orang tu mati awal, Allah sayang padanya, tak mau dia buat dosa banyak2 atas dunia ni. She was only 16. Nak jumpa boipren makpak tak kasi. Kena kurung dalam bilik. Boipren pulak mengamuk dalam twitter marah kat makpak budak pompuan tu. Ohh..susahnya menjadi parents. Buat ni salah, tak buat nanti..orang kata tak pandai kontrol anak.

And the celebrity got married. Yay. I don't even know any of them. Ye lah..ahkak kan meninggalkan Malaya dimasa zaman kefemesan Jasmin Hamid, Aida Rahim dan Haliza Misbun? So bila dengar nama-nama pelik macam Pasah Sandak, Diana Dayak, etc etc...manalah ahkak kenal dik? Zaman tu, pesbuk pun tak ada...kalau minat kat retis, idok nya boleh follow account twitter diorang. Tapi rasanya zaman tu Jasmin Hamid takdelah pulak bawak pregnancy kit nya pi jumpa Mama Juwie kan? Pastu bila orang mengata...buat statement saya rasa tertekan pulak. Dah kau yang pi kompang apasal? Practically telling the whole world that you don't waste anytime to be 'at it' lepas kenduri abis.

And the newlywed got divorced. Jodoh dah tak ada...bukan salah saya...pak mentua saya yang mulut becok tu pun tau. Kitorang hari ni kahwin, besok dah start gaduh. Tu lah...kawan tak lama, tak menyempat nyempat nak kahwin. Ye lah..ye lah. Orang yang berkawan bertahun pun lagikan berperang dan tak get on sampai sudah. But biarlah kann...kita ni bukannya dia. Kalau daripada bertekak sampai nak makan tido berak pun susah, baik lah bercerai.

Ohh Ustazah Abby Abadi. Ni lah bahana nya...ohh I maybe wrong, but there is some of us who really take pride of being the outspoken one. Tak puas hati, lepas...no holds barred gitu. Tapi lupa nak timbang bab hati tak puas dan otak yang tak berapa penuh. Masa kes kena naya dgn ex laki, sebabkan mulut yg tak reti dok diam, daripada org nak kesian banyak, jadi tak nak kesian langsung. Syukurr...Allah dah buka pintu hatinya nak menjadi mukmin yang baik. Tapi kita semua tahu, manusia ada ketaksempurnaan mereka. Hari ni dia nak ajak kawan2 masuk syurga....besok dia kata nak berdakwah melalui lakonan. Lusa, dia berburuk sangka dengan orang. Macam ni lah dik...pergilah cari Aunty Noorkumalasari. Tu dia baru orang respek. Mencari pahala aje keroje nya.

Ohh...ni lagi best. Adik kita yang baru habis darjah enam tu. Berpakwekan budak 19 tahun. Oiii..mengenyam betul adik, lari umah boipren pastu taknak balik. Kesian makpak...malu, terpaksa bagi kahwin. Nak selamatkan maruah keluarga. And I really think the father is referring to his anak pompuan yang dah menggeletis tu. Teruklah parents nya kena kata dgn NGO activist kanak2 yang rata2 nya mengutuk tindakan bapak nya bagi anak dia kahwin. Laaa....nak buat apa lagi. Kalau budak tu kena paksa lain lah cerita kann? Ni dah dia pun mengelintin buat statement kat sokabar 'saya sudah sedia memikul tanggungjawab sebagai isteri' tak ke kau rasa nak cekik dia, tak pun nak cekik diri kau sendiri?

I like to ask the boy..dah kau tu yang tua nya, tak boleh ke kau cari budak2 baya kau sendiri nak dijadikkan gilpren? Ni budak jahnam err darjah enam tu jugak laaa yang kau nak hangkut bawak merata pun. Bodohhhhh!

And I like to ask the NGO yang kononnya acting in every children best interest, ko kutuk makpak budak tu, apa hasilnya? Nak kutuk, kutuk lah jabatan agama yang bagi kebenaran tu..ni kalau nak ngutuk sangat lah kann. Budak2 sekarang pakai unipom lightblue pun dah pandai buat video cerita blue dia dalam semak dgn boipren. Bagilah pendidikan moral...suruh budak2 tu belajar menghargai diri sendiri. Kalau diri sendiri pun dah takde rasa hormat hence sedap aje nak bagi free kat boipren, mana nak ada rasa hormat kat orang nya?

Cheerios :)

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Update Sekejap

So I received your comment..asking how to get in touch.

For the question if that Al Rajhi bank account still active...jawapan nya, iya. Kalau nak menderma, silakan lah ye :) Terima kasih :)

To get in touch with me, personally...though via admin, pergilah ke website Help & Hope tu...I am sure you will find a way to email. Terima kasih :)

Okay...bab you nak donate your prized possession to us. Silakan lah. I thought I should say this that perhaps however way you may wish to generate cash if entirely up to you. Nak ajak kengkawan donate ke, orang kampung donate ke..nak curik duit laki buat donation ke (ye lah..daripada dia pi tabur kat mana2 kann?)  I really do not want to sound ungrateful but I am also preparing myself to yet another janji pilihanraya.

I have had so many people janji..janji dan janji. If making promises is one way of feeling good, lifting up people hope only for a short second exhilarate you, then I will not blame one for doling so. I am all for good mental health. As much as I want to look after mine, I do hope everyone look after theirs too :) I will not stop you from doing what you want, in fact if your intention is for a good cause, semoga dan hanya Allah yang dapat membalas  budi baik you.

But I have ceased getting excited. Come what may. Tu konsep nya sekarang. I have a greater responsibility for those who have donated...and that is, to make sure things happened.

I really appreciate all the good intention.

Much love,
Me & Loyar Sabung Ayam

About Takdir

It is my biggest bugbear bila orang...to me lah...menyalahgunakan konsep takdir ni. Ishh...this is other than the overstatement of Insya Allah.

Today...I saw comments by somebody I don't know likened me to a kaffir and feels that my faith and aqidah is diluted badly because of my location of abode. Well, this is another story for another day lah ye. Tak kuasa I nak memikir banyak problem dalam satu hari.

Speaking of takdir. Here is my story.

A friend of mine lost her life recently, almost immediately following a road accident. Shock. Shock. Shock for me. Me and her, not close. But we talk. She is the school librarian and she is known to be strict but somehow not to me. Because apparently, menurut sumber fitnah pada masa itu, we came from the same kampung. Hek elehhh..budak MRSM tak habis-habis dengan institutionalised racism nya.

Over the years...I come to know that she is working as a cikgu. I have known her to be super active in school so I was expecting that she should be...somehow...more than a cikgu, not that I think cikgu is not a grand profession, but teaching requires extra ordinary skills.Not that she has none..but..isk, susahlah nak explain.

But yes, she is a cikgu. She went to ITM to study something and later on re trained as a cikgu at some local Uni. So yes, she become a cikgu. We befriended again through FB and she was amazed by my transformation ---from a student paling diam, tak happening, I guess she is too polite to say that I ni takdelah berapa stand out sangat academically dulu..and to her me 20 odd years ago is a huge difference to me now.

My answer...as similar to same questions from schoolmates, is that...my rezeki. Lain-lain. I complimented her life, to me is an accomplishment too...happily married for over 20 years and with grown up kids. Kalau nak dicompare dgn I yang sokmo salah bearing. She said it was her takdir...resigning her future to submit to her parents wish...to marry a son of a family friend and her life just took off accordingly from there. 18 years old and kena kahwin. Dream of pursuing studies had to be put on hold or maybe never at that time. But she told me, it is what her parents wanted and it was...her takdir. I told her that I heard about her wedding when I was in PPP and did not think it was a real news sebab I told her candidly that I never thought of her of the cepat kahwin one...scandal pun tak ada masa sekolah tup tup kahwin. Again...is her takdir, she said.

Somehow her submission to her parents wish is rewarding. Idoklah dia dapat King of Swaziland or laki yang berfeeling2 majikan dgn bini sendiri. She somehow managed to go back to study and got her own career as a cikgu. She said she is happy and blessed. But she did say...that she hope anak2 dia belajar and kerja dulu baru pikir nak kahwin. She didn't want them to be like her. Macam bunyi resentment aje dengarnya...but I am sure she has her point.

Accident happened. She died instantly. Her family survived. We were all shocked. Condolences was pouring in. She was a very likeable person. I did my bit sending her Al Fatihah. Friends was talking about her young children losing a mother.

One friend said....dah takdir.

Wahhh.........tetiba, darah I menyirap. Minggu kematian my fren tu memang minggu kenaikan darah keparas tertinggi. In between kerja I yang kadang2 stress nya macam setan, benda yang I nak buat macam banyakla pulak halangan nya...and I pulak tengah gigih menjadi counsellor kawan I yang di emotionally abused dek laki nya, with takdir word digunakan untuk menutup kekurangan dia...so flag another takdir....sikawan I yang ini...dah memang takdir dia nak mati accident.

But pray tell me....kalau dah jalan kita patut bawak 40mph, dah diwarning jalan tu kawasan kemalangan tapi kita masih jugak nak rempit 110mph...ditambah dgn hujan, bila terbabas, takdir ke tu?

While I can accept takdir my fren ni dah tertulis ajalnya nak mati accident, bukan ke kalau sipembawak kereta tu menggunakan otak nya, dah tahu jalan tu jalan kampung tapi nak jugak bawak macam Ayrton Senna, accident can be avoided? I hope that the driver will now see that as a direct message from Allah, sebab anak bini dah komplen suka benar bawak kereta laju-laju, selfish tahap tangkuban perahu...kalau nak berlumba, pergilah circuit mana-mana, ye tak? Bukannya dalam kampung, selekoh tajam dan hari hujan.

I read in Harian Metro about org tua kena parang dek anaknya yg sakit jiwa. Relatives are quoting takdir. Kau dah tahu budak tu sakit, apasal tak buat apa2.

Can we, on a same account...bila baca cerita Mat Rempit mati terbabas....say that's the Mat Rempit's takdir?

Kebodohan manusia berotak yang masih baik fungsi nya...takdir Allah lah ye?



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Mixers

Menurut orang2 di hopis saya...mixers ialah nama lain bagi maruku yang saya rajin kunyah tapi dah berenti sebab ianya menyumbang kepada penambahan lapisan badan.

Mixers can also mean...a blender. Orang putih ni banyak betul bahasa nya...yang berbunyi sama tapi bermakna lain-lain. Macam..kalau depa cakap fakkkkyuuu, bukanlah diorang tu nak f*** you ataupun berdoa mintak you kena f***, tengok tone suara jugaklah kan...kalau disertai petir dan hujan percik percikkan, makna nya marah lah tu. Kalau cakap fakkkyu dalam gelak ketawa, maknya marah lah jugak but versi gelak2 suruh you blah.

I think it is more confusing in English. Agaknya pasal tu lah orang selalu kata, orang putih kalau berkomunikasi, akan berkomunikasi terang2...takde simpan2 dalam hati dan takde pun nak mengguna teknik telepathy. Juga tiada menggunakan ayat2 mudah seperti...yelah, ikut lah..hmmm..hmmm...moving forward..etc etc..dan expect sipendengarnya memahami isi hatinya (yang busuk) itu. Hiks...yes..sindir tetap sindir ye... matik la tajuk dgn posting tande kena mengena.

I have many girlfriends who tells me about their marriage woes. Dalam ramai2 orang, aku gak yang ditanya dicerita hal dalam kain dengan laki nya. Men tells me stuff too...but I find them men very decisive than women. Ye lah...jantan kan malas pikir. Malas fikir tu satu, but in terms of practicality, men deal with one problem at a time. Kita pompuan ni aje yang suka menyambil. Generally lah ye. Tak setuju..tak apa.

I read about this nenek in Kelantan ke Trengganu ke yang kawin cerai banyak kali. Kalahhh Lizebet Tukang Jahit tu. Ada yang cerai mati ada yang cerai hidup. Then I know of friends yang kawin cerai beberapa kali...err, lebih dari dua kali. And course bebaru ni, keluarlah cerita pasal anak tukang masak tersohor tu kannn. Memula bapaknya buat statement bongkak congkak, ehh apasal you all tanya I, pi la tanya orang tu (anak menantu dia). Dan besok lusanya keluar lagi statement dari Pakji Tuakng Masak tu...ohh mereka dah bercerai tapi saya sayang kat ex menantu saya tu macam saya sayang boipren saya oopss hai tersasul...anak saya sendiri. Pulak dahh? Then I pi la baca blog gossip retis yang of course la segala details pun keluar termasuk la si ex menantu tu ghopanya pernah jadi menantu orang lain juga....sebanyak dua kali. Ohh kisahnya.

But yes, kalau jodoh tak ada, tak kan nak menahan hati ye tak? Nak dibunuh kang, kita pulak masuk penjara. Kalau dia tu ada sakit jantung kronik, boleh gak kita standby ular plestik buat surprise (terus kau mampos) party kann? Cannot tahan, good bye lah kan?

Alasan orang bercerai ni...banyak. Some kena cerai sebab..laki or bini dah tak nak. Jumpa orang lain hati sudah berubah maka nyah lah kau. Some people just realised that banyak benda yang kurang rasa with the current or previous one, bila dia jumpa the new one. Pernah lah sorang security guard tempat I kerja kat KL dulu...bercenta dengan budak UM dan si guard ni, lagak macam orang bujang keluar dating hari2 dgn aweknya. I am not sure if he tell the girl that he is married but bila ditegur oleh kengkawan nya, dia kata lah..ohh dengan si gilpren ni, dia sedang merasa apakah maknanya centa (cepatlah cekik diri sendiri) dan dengan bininya...ialah pilihan keluarga. Ni dia orang jantan. Macam2 lah kurangnya sang bini...dan si gilpren tetiba pulak memenuhi kriteria. Pundek lah sangat. Tapi yang I tengok..dalam kononnya dia tak bahagia bersama bininya, sibininya tu mengandung jua.

Some will say...ni alasan budak2 zaman sekarang ye...that we realised that we want different things. Kau nak ketea Ferrari and I want motor kapcai, ke gitu? I thought that when we committed to someone, we already know what we want, kan? Ke tengah2 jalan, ko tetiba dapat hobi baru? But yes, that reason sort of make sense. Sometimes, your life circumstances changes. Kita nak buat benda ni..partner kita pulak tak suka and that really get in the way of you both dan mulalahhhh start gaduh-gaduh. Benda kecik, benda kena sapu bawah carpet semua boleh keluar.

Some of us committed at the time we felt ready to commit. Everything seems falling into places at that time. I was in that situation before. Past relationships didnt work and I was desperately wanted to move on. Yes, at that time our situation can make us think that we are ready.

Truth is, we will never be ready. I pernah dengar kawan I cakap..ni masa dia nak kahwin yang she hope to nurture her love with this guy after diorang kahwin.Kawan tak lama. Kahwin..lagilah tak lama.

Ada pulak yang cakap dengan I..dia kawin dgn lakinya sebab...dialah masa tu jantan yang perfect dimata dan dipoket. I need to be saved...katanya.

Well, did you get married to be saved? Saved from what lah? Macam-macam lah alasan nak menyedapkan jiwa kan, masa tu?

Oh what about yang baru lepas keluar dari mulut buaya...tetiba macam tak serik2 pulak nak masuk mulut rimau? Bercerai kali pertama tersangatlah serik nya..pastu, tup tup..belum setahun dah nak menikah baru?

But ni semua bergantung kepada ketahanan mental kita sendiri lah kan? Kalau kita ni set2 takleh hidup tanpa pasangan dan terasa nak meroyan sentiasa bila dok sensorang, maka se eloknya...carilah pasangan baru. Lantak lah apa orang nak kata, kan?

Being with someone else can make us lose sight of our own self. So, masa free macam ni lah you nak regain balik your true identity before you got contaminated dengan partner you. Like sebelum kahwin you are this happy go lucky person, pastu dapat pulak jodoh dengan ikan tongkol, kita pun benjangkit perangai tongkol orang tu last-last si empunya perangai tongkol tu pulak yang pi tuduh you berperangai. Macam lahanetssssss lah sangat.

It is good to take control once in a while. Ye lah..kalau buat baik aje sokmo dan menjadi alas kaki, kita lupa apa strength kita sebenar nya.

The once upon a time good thing will somehow eventually become rubbish if it is not utilised. And, it is our habit to keep rubbish with us. Some rubbish are useful...but the bad one that you really need to get rid of. If you are not careful the bad rubbish may turn you into a rubbish too, and you ended up become the bad one.

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Kisah Laki, Bini Dan Hati Busuk

Tudiahhhhh tajuk.

Nota dahi...walaupun ku penat berkeroje, kugagah kan jua menaip hapdate. Ye lah..tak cukup dengan kau menghantui diriku dalam FB, dalam whasapp tu kau menjadi hantu jua...meminta-minta darahku.

Posting ni akan merapik-rapik but percayalah ending nya akan mempunyai moral yang sama...err, kalau tak sama pun lebih kurang lah.

Siapa ingat kisah Silamajit dan ex lakinya Selanajis? Ohhh...saya ingat. Dari mereka kahwin sampailah mereka bercerai dan berberai. Menengok mereka strengthened the epitome of chenta tu buta dan tak mengenal rupa. Sebab I ni minat Silamajit lebih dari lakinya, maka opinion I dikala ittew yelah...oiii Silamajit, tak adakah yang lebih hensem sepadan dirimieww maka beruang ittew jua yang ko pilih?

Mengutuk Selanajis nampak..Makji? Well...seeing how beautiful Silamajit is, how on earth would you describe Selanajis? Errr...mengutuk itu adalah salah Makji...ianya menunjukkan betapa busuknya hati you. Ohh..iya ke? Kalau I kuat ngutuk makna nya hati I busuk lah ye?

Sebagai peminat tegar Silamajit, I followed her story front to back of every magazine I can get my fingers on. Silamajit was married to Selanajis on the Valentine's Day. One night...they were both interviewed by this radio dj sempena V Day. Err...this before the ho hum about how we Muslim tak boleh menyambut V Day ni. Laa...setakat sambut beli bunga untuk gf/bf, roSak la sangat aqidah kau kan, Dr Lurpak?

Selanajis dengan bongkaknya kata..he never gave Silamajit besday present, anniversary present and any other appreciative present for that matter. Katanya...which I think at that time is a statement cover malu yang ko tak pernah ingat date-date penting dalam rumahtangga mu itu, dia tak payah nak tunggu special dates gitu nak tunjukkan kasih sayang nya kat Silamajit, kalau dia nak tunjuk..hari2 pun dia boleh tunjuk. Masalahnya..hari2 biasa pun dia tak beli present, ko rasa dia akan tunggu anniversary day and V Day ke? Pan*** sangat statement nya. Serupalah macam orang yang bila I tanya..mana birthday present I, dia kata..present you I laa...hikhikhik. Korok mu lah!

Still, Silamajit macam sabar aje mukanya. Ala-ala...ohh dah lakiku perangai nya ghopa itu, apalah yang boleh ku buat selain dari bersabar aje dan meminta dgn Allah semoga dia jatuh terhantuk dan menjadi jantan gentleman. Gittewww doa.

Then...the perang. Mula2 Selanajis yang selalu keluar sokabar kata...we (as in dia dan anak2 dia) missed her. Balik la rumah something like that. He claimed he was diaibkan satu Malaya ---people were referring to the news of Silamajit caught him with the maid. Then keluar gambar Silamajit muka bengkak kena terajang dgn Selanajis. Next is court room drama. Ni cakap betul..my best fren was doing chambering and dia lah dok menglipurlara cerita Silamajit Selanajis kat I. Wahhh...katanya my fren..Selanajis refusing to divorce Silamajit, wanted a 2nd chance kononnya (Silamajit petitioning him for divorce) but at the same time, dia kata Silamajit macam2 depan Tuan Hakim tu. Silamajit perangai buruk, kuat minum..kurang ajar etc etc. Everything bad is Silamajit but not him.

Eventually......the court 'divorced' them. But my fren told me, Selanajis was seeing another woman while still fighting to save his marriage with Silamajit.

Okay lahhh....for all we know or we don't know, maybe Silamajit tu buruk perangainya...exactly as Selanajis described in court.

But....as a good husband, wouldn't it be your responsibility to make sure bad things in your marriage becomes well and good? If Silamajit was as bad as you described...don't you think it is partly your fault that you have let her be that 'bad'.

If Silamajit is bad...that warrant you to talk about her to Tuan Hakim all the gory details inclusive, lama-lama ni, apasal tak dibagi notice aje bini kau yang ko katakan teruk tu?

You let it run that long before you realised she is nothing but bad, bad and bad? What does that make you? Ke you like this other husband I know who buta-buta terima takdir dapat bini yang macam itu. Kalau pompuan yang cakap macam tu, boleh gak I nak percaya logik nya...ye lah..jantankan suka cakap kita pompuan ni bodoh? Ngikut hati..ngikut nafsu. Kena terajang dgn laki pun, laki tu jugak lah yang masih nak disimpan. Tu belum lagi kita nak kira berapa ramainya kita pompuan yang berchenta gaya online dengan Derick Hasslehoff dari USA yang hensem lagi ber sixpack dan mempunya bisnes minyak sendiri...tapi tetap gak mintak kita bail his business out. Nak sangat berchenta dgn Derick Hasslehoff kann...yang dapat? Derick Adebunmi yang bibir sama tebal dengan terompah Holland tu.

Okay..point I am making here is, when you get caught up...and not wanting to share some blame in your marriage troubles, is it fair to blame everything on the wife? Your wife may not be this muslimah sejati yang you dok idam-idam kan tu...but, have you ever given her your own specification of isteri mithali? Ye lah..lain jantan lain  specification ye tak? Ada jantan yg kata..ko masak basuh baju cuci lantai lantas kaulah pompuan mithali, ada pulak yg..whore me in bed baybehh...you will be my bini mithali as hell..and biarlah aku buat keroje rumah.

Ke you buat bodoh (or, ke you memang bodoh?!) dan diam2 berdoa supaya bini you bertukar menjadi Ustazah semanis kaya cap Nona tu?

Go figure lah ye.

I was told that...apa yang kita tulis melambangkan hati kita. Kalau kita tulis pasal orang dan cerita buruk orang itu, maka kita adalah manusia yang berhati busuk. Okaylah...if you read my blog, by now you should know and see how busuk my heart is. Well...that's your opinion lah. What can I do about it? Nothing.

So, journalist who wrote stories about bad people..or about plain people even...adalah berhati busuk jua, ye? So..pencerita hal buruk orang ialah manusia berhati busuk ye? I think kalau kita kerja HR dan membukak rahsia orang yang kita telah dipertanggungjawabkan untuk menjaga confidentiality nya kepada BFF kita, maka hati kita busuk lah juga, kan? Ke tak? Is it because the mileage of that cerita buruk only goes to us dan tak menjadi bahan blog. Kau bodoh ke apa?

I told Kiah that MC never talked bad about people. Infact, cakap pasal orang pun tak pernah unless kalau I yang tanya. Dia selalu tegur I..kenapa you suka cakap pasal orang? Tapi nak je I cakap..elehh, you dengar jugak kan..I kutuk2 orang pun.

It is normal when you sakit hati...you express your ketidakpuasan hati. We cant help it when our ketakpuasan hati is about other people. Ye lah...siapa lagi nak menyakitkan hati kita kalau bukan manusia lain? Kita sakit ati dgn kucing kita yang sokmo melepas takde adab pun, kira kita ngutuk jugak kann?

The good thing is always...kalau dgn orang tu yg kita marah, maka kita kenalah cakap terang2 kat dia. But more than often..benda yg kita tak puas hati tu benda kecik aje pun...so, knowing manusia ni manalah suka kena tegur dan dari benda kecik jadi gaduh satu keturunun, kita senyapkan aje, malas nak menyampai..kita tulislah dalam blog. Ye, satu dunia boleh baca...but dunia kenal ke orang yang dikutuk tu?

The rational of that is...kalaulah kita nak gunakan otak kita ni, kita tak puashati, kita luahkan. Tak dengan cara bercakap, kita menulis. Tu menunjukkan kita ni ada perasaan...and somewhere along the way, kita belajar manage perasaan kita tu. It is good to observe perangai buruk/baik orang lain...sebab kita boleh belajar.

I pun mengutuk orang jua...benda yang I rasa betul pun, though that shouldn't be the excuse but all in view jangan I jadi jahat macam tu, or gila macam tu. Dalam dunia ni..siapa yang tak ngutuk siapa weh?

You think..you tak pernah bercerita hal orang, ngutuk orang...you are better lah? You want to know what you are? You actually..takde hati..takde perasaan..which make you even worst. You know why worst? Without the hati and perasaan...you are the most selfish person. You don't blardy care how much you have hurt others. You have this idea how busuk hati buruk perangai of orang lain, you tak nampak benda yang sama dalam diri you sendiri.

Ohh..orang yang takde hati..takde perasaan ni, albeit takdelah ngutuk orang ( yelah..nak kutuk orang buat apa nya, bukannya you care about orang pun kann..thus gives you no reason to talk about others pun) sebenarnya..if you ask me...adalah orang yang sangat lah zalim.

So, which one we rather be? Busuk hati or zalim?


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The Last One For October

Going through separation...not easy. The first 2 weeks is hard. You need to get the monster out of your system. You need to learn to get use not having that monster around. Some people I know tak duduk rumah lepas separate. Pergi clubbing sampai ngantuk balik rumah untuk tido aje. Haiyoo...nursing broken heart lah sangat kann? Tapi status hapdate nya time2 nursing broken heart tu, macam suggest dia ended up kat rumah orang lain aje.

Divorce. Tang ni...kalau sama-sama rasa dah takleh nak repair apa-apa yang boleh repair, maka jalan terbaik nya adalah nyah kau dari hidup ku, and that need to be confirmed on the paper too. Tah apasal, part ni akan menyaksikan orang bergaduh se kaw-kaw nya. Cannot agree on a simplest thing...memang patutlah bercerai berai kan? But now, lagi nak habis, lagi ni lah nak menunjuk perangai. Kononnya nak come out with the head held high..tapi nak juga orang tahu perceraian ini bukannya salah ku tapi kau lah yang berperangai cipan. Gituh. I think the only civil divorce I come across was of Raja Ema and that Misteri Nusantara guy (ye ke?) He divorced her. He apologised to her and wish her well. So was she. Amicable sungguh. Tidok la masing2 nak buat press conference mintak kesian kannn? Ni bukan kehendak saya..ni kehendak takdir. Pastu after few months bercerai, buat lagi statement, saya tetap mencari chenta. Tak ke nak rasa nak mencarut?

Either way...if this is happening to you, bertabahlah. Don't get petty. Only you know what is wrong and what was right. Kalau ada salah, mengakulah. Still that will not make us a bad person. It is just it is impossible to expect us to live with other person unreasonable behaviour---vice versa.

On a lighter (sakit perut) note, tadi I pergi jumpa mental health nurse kat spital kat Hammersmith ni..nak close case. Dia orang Zimbabwe. Nama dia Florence Chibaiwa. In the meeting, bergasak lah orang2 memanggil nya Miss Chibaiwa. But of course, kalau dah telinga kelabu tu, I only dengar and register the surname without the 'wa'.

Hik hik.

Penat Dan Menyampah

Setelah berurusan dengan orang melayu di Malaya selama 18 bulan...conclusion nya, I sekarang sudah penat dan sudah masuk tahap malas dan menyampah.

Setelah kita merdeka, menang pingat kat Olympik, pergi melawat angkasalepas, meniru segala program realiti USA dan UK, anak2 muda dan orang2 yang tak berapa muda dah pandai memilemkan diri sendiri dalam versi 3g lantas mengupload nya dalam tenet...err apa lagi, big huge office building and almost everything is on top of the range, I wonder why...orang melayu masih tak reti nak cakap terang2 bila berurusan dengan orang.

Bila kita buat inquiry...email kita tak pernah nya mereka jawab. Ni bukan email ke company Cheok Soon Kok ye, but this is email to somebody berbintikan orang melayu dalam opis besar.

I emailed few banks...yang menjawab nya adalah officer seperti Jessica Hew dan Angela Siow. Kalau nama Siti Nurhazali tak pun Nur Ramlah Ramli, haram nya dia nak jawab.

I expressed my frustrations to my friend in KL, katanya orang melayu ni suka personal touch..tak suka main email-email. You have to call them katanya..Pun begitu...bila dah di talipon, officer yang kononnya in charge, adalah sangat vague dalam menjawab soalan lantas...nak kena tanya Manager yang senantiasa tak ada di ofis.

Tak apalah.

The thing is...susah ke nak bagi jawapan yang konkrit? Susah ke nak commit? Or..susah ke nak berkata benar?

Bagi yang kononnya berkerja itu suatu ibadah...ibadah apakah bila membuat orang menunggu bak menunggu buah kelapa muda gugur? Ibadah apakah berjanji...berjanji...dan berjanji tapi tujuan sebenarnya ialah nak lari dari menghadap dan menjawab pertanyaan kita?

I dah dekat 13 tahun kerja dengan UK gomen...dan dengan orang2 putihs. Walaupun mereka ni tak semuanya putihs tapi beginilah contoh etika kerja mereka...

1. Kalau saya ada query tentang bill saya, macam ada charges yang saya rasa saya tak familiar, saya akan call mereka. Mereka akan ambil details. Pastu mereka akan kata, bagi kami investigate dan dalam 48 jam, kami akan call anda balik. Tak sampai 48 jam..mereka akan call dan buat sesuatu. Mereka tak akan pass saya serata department dan tak akan bagitau saya..err, saya tak pastilah kak..boleh call besok tak cakap dgn boss.

2. Kalau boiler saya rosak..ataupun phone saya rosak...saya call dan report dan mereka akan bagi date bila mereka boleh datang. Dan mereka akan datang ---cuma bab yg tak syiok nya dia akan kata, we will come betwen 8 to 12pm...gasak lah tunggu dari pukul 8 pagi nak gi berak pun rasa tak kena. Telepon rumah mak saya kat Paroi Jaya pernah rosak...tapi mereka hanya datang setelah anak mak saya yang paling samseng telepon ugut nak saman mereka. Kalau nak datang pun, tak pernah nya ada jadual bila nak datang. Cakap nak datang...tapi taktau bila.

3. Dalam urusan business, saya akan email orang2 yang berkenaan. Good things about email is that you have everything in writing. Pasal tu saya suka ber email. Bukannya saya tak suka call, but knowing how vulnerable phone call is, where people can just deny what they said to you. Orang berkenaan akan jawab email saya...kalau tak jawab dlm hari yg sama pun, dia akan jawab juga dan mintak maaf sebab delay. Kalau mereka ada jawapan masa masa itu juga, mereka akan jawab query saya. Kalau tak ada, mereka acknowledged email saya dan kata okay, mereka akan jawab dalam beberapa hari lagi. Yes, they came back to me after few days. With answer. Yes or No. Tiada timbul soal janji manis, janji Subramaniam atapun janji Pak Haji. All in the name of professionalism.Kalau tak boleh, cakap tak boleh.


Orang melayu di Malaysia?

Mereka tak boleh nak buat...tapi tak nak mengecikkan hati or for whatever reasons...nak nampak macho all can do agaknya, ended up membuat janji yang mereka tahu akan dicapati dan sekaligus, mengecikkan hati orang.

Communication tak ada. Cakap aje yang berbunga bunga. Planning tak ada langsung...commitment sendiri pun tak respect. Ni kan pula commitment dgn orang. The worst part is, they don't care if they caused people upset. Friendship means nothing.

Orang Melayu Malaysia..bila kerja dan berada di position authority, perangai pun bertukar menjadi tapir. You cant tell them that they do wrong. You cant tell them how to be professional. You can't ask them when should you expect result. Because if you do all that to him/her, you may as well kiss everything goodbye. You are forever at their mercy.

Orang Melayu...even when they have committed to you, you are still expected to beg, beg and beg. They like to be in power and to feel the power. U asked about the work you gave them last week. This week they tell you..I can't be disturb sebab aku sibuk adik aku nak kahwin. Or..nenek aku nak amik SPM so aku kena ajar dia buat add math. Hmm...what is your nenek or adik kahwin got to do with the work you're supposed to finish up?

Orang Melayu...majority...are against gay movement. But, they are not 'straight' as you want them to be. No straight answer, no straight explanation. Akan beri jawapan dalam masa dua tiga hari..can mean..dua tiga bulan. Semuanya bengkok. Everything is gay. Theoretically.

Apakah makna nya ni? Melayu tak boleh harap ke or tak boleh percaya? I am a Malay. I am a Muslim. Whichever can come first. If you want to be nit picky, you say I should be a muslim first then Malay. But tell me, whichever way but if you are still useless, disrespectful, what identity suit you best? Berdegar degar hidup kerana Allah, everything must follow sunnah...but if you persistent in upsetting people, berjanji capati when it suits you, sunnah apakah yang you ikut?

Mode : Bengang dengan situasi bangang.



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Marriage Counselling

Kiah once asked me...why am I against marriage counselling? Elehhh...macam lah aku tatau yg ko tu nak digress dari tajuk utama kan? Ratu Procrastinate betul.

No. I don't. I am not against any type of counselling. Doing what I do, I think I am in a better position to suggest that sometimes we should do it, when need be.

However, I also see the downside of it if people just seek counselling for the sake of it. And those known to do it for the sake of it is ...jeng...jeng..jeng....a couple. Married or not.

People often got a wrong idea for this. Yes, counselling is not a free service. Dengan kengkawan pun berbayar juga. Tak bayar dgn duit, bayar dgn budi. Unless kalau kita ni bangsa nak orang aje tolong kita tapi membalas budi tak reti. Sounds familiar? Dok mintak tolong orang...buat tu buat ni, tapi bila kawan tu mintak tolong dgn you sekali, you buat babi aje. Syaitonnnn naharrom sangat kan? Biasalah blog I..episode menyindir perlu enterframe sekali sekala. But knowing this type of people, tak kan ada nya yg makan cili. So, menyindir diangin lalu aje lah kan aku?

What I really want to say is people expect wonders when they seek counselling. Kalau jumpa counsellor masa tgh stress, kita expect lepas 40 minutes tu kita free as a bird. Bila kita tambah stress, kita katalah counsellor to bodoh.

Lagi satu I nak pesan, kalau kita ni set tak hapik cakap orang and will do exactly as we want, jangan lah buang masa si counsellor tu. Yang set set ni adalah jenis selfish tahap jahanam. You selalunya nak offload rasa bersalah you by confiding to people about your problem. Si pendengar akan simpati dan bagi you nasihat...tak bagi nasihat pun, the pendengar will at least make it clearer what risks and the trouble you might get yourself into. You hear. You hear. But your heart as you know it will overrule every rational thing. You don't even care who will get hurt, you included.

A friend of mine have finally decided that enough is enough and the era of a doormat should end. The thing is, the other half haven't got a clue that he has treated the wife like one and in fact he is the one feeling hard done by.

You always think that a marriage i.e. living with someone else will make you the expert on how to deal with the opposite. Tak ada nya. More than often...you ended up don't even know how to talk to one and another anymore. I don't get that. Talk is talk, what is there to be difficult about? People always mistaken their anxiety for the feeling weird. Contoh...kita rasa dia perangai pelik tapi kita yang sebenarnya penakut. Takut benda2 buruk yang kita dok suspect tu bakal menjadi nyata. Fearing the worst and we blamed it to the impossibility of open communication. Like, your partner of 5 years suddenly appears aliens to you in many, many ways. You think by hinting, cakap sekali dua or even expecting them to understand your body language is a good way to communicate. By body language I mean..moncong muka and hentak kaki. Eleh...and then expect him/her to know what is the root of your displeasure.

Whatever bad behaviour we think we don't have but others do, we have them too. We just don't realise it maybe. We can say that our partner got selective hearing defect and only hear what he/she wanted to hear. Kita pun macam tu juga. Unless it is a compliment, nobody likes to hear bad thing about themselves. Bad wife, weak husband, gutless boyfriend, overbearing girlfriend...you like? No, don't think so.

But what we like to do is doing cut and shut. Yes, there is problem..gaduh sikit pastu kalau tak okay pun kena okay jugak. We never really explore the depth of the problem.

So yes, shit hits the fan. For you at least. Because you have had enough. Things that you hide and keep and blows up on your face. You think that the best time to talk is when the shit is all over. Then you get so surprise of why the wronged one got overly defensive.

I must tell you...we like to condemn budak2 bila bergaduh is macam 'budak budak'. But if you see it through, they will gaduh until things get sorted. But orang tua yang kononnya mengaku matured, kalau berbalah tu, konon nya malas nak bising2...simpanlah jarum emas didalam hati. Siapa yang tak matured sebenarnya?

Yes, when shit hit the fan...one is bound to get apprehensive especially when the realisation of losing things that matters to them start kicking in. But still one can find no wrong in themselves.

So they think counselling might help. Yes. Might. Remember the word 'might' ye. This are the couple who refuse to 'talk' to one another about their burning problems and yet think counselling will help.

Being in many,many counselling session myself...let me tell you there are people who use it as a scapegoat. The goat themselves. Sometimes you can't even blame them. Because they don't know what could they have done wrong.

We think our partner refuses to listen or unwilling to change for the better to make the relationship works. The problem with us sometimes is...we don't even know how or what we want them to change into. If we say better, they might say...nak better macam mana lagi? We want a partner who can understand us, sensitive about what is hurting us...but we actually never tell them how to handle us. In case we have, we don't do a good job of reminding him and our 'convenient' lapse in consistency in maintaining what used to be 'better'.

People forget. People get complacent. People can be stupid. We also forget. We also get complacent and we are also stupid.

Counselling can also open another can of worms. Unless you are really ready, don't tempt it. People have rights to know what they have done wrong. Although is very likely they don't like to admit it, it is still the thing we think that they have done it wrong. In that case, you need a neutral person to make it clearer to you and them. Hence the counselling. People need to be prepared to admit defeat. So do you.

Selamat maju jaya.

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Jejantan Sewel

Ye..tajuk bakal menimbulkan kontrobesi dan memanaskan hati kawum laki-laki. But hey..you bound to be reading something you don't like. So, kalau dah tahu I ni selalu berfeeling macam bagus, sila lah dan pergilah baca blog ilmiah yang lain ye?

The truth about me, which Kiah will be the 1st to differ ialah, I ni adalah sangat pemalu. Ye, Kiah..kau nak gelak? Gelak lahh..but you know the truth and so do I.

Because of my kepemaluan tahap Empire State Building, I ni tak ramai boipren. I can count them with one hand. So I do remember the man yang pernah jugak menterlibatkan dirinya dalam sejarah hidup I. I do know a fren yang tak hingat mana satu boipren nombor 4 and nombor 5 nya. Punyalah ramai ex. Well, girls always remember their first boipren...monyet pun monyet lah but that is one thing the law of the nature human can't beat..the first person that captured you, will remain the first one who captured you. If your 1st happens to be Abang Drebar Van Tadika you, nak buat cemana lah kann? Terima ajelah kat orang tu yang kau pernah syiok.

I want to talk about boipren. Mine and others. In my life time...I only ever had 3...tu pun yang 2 tu macam takleh nak kira aje, sebab takdelah serious I lapyu yulapmi. One was introduced to me. One guy wanted to date my fren so he thought by pairing me with his best mate si bujang terlajak is a good idea so that my fren ni nak lah keluar dgn dia. Yang my fren ni pulak, tak syiok sangat kat jantan tu but dgn pandainya selalu menjual nama I kat jantan ni. Ohh..I tak free nak tengok wayang dgn you sebab I dah janji dgn Makji Esah. But jantan gigih ni..sebab syiok sangat dgn kawan I, terus buat I jadi kawan nya dgn harapan by befriending me, being pally pally...aku ni kira boleh lah tolong dia jual minyak. Bless him. They're both now happily married.

But not the case of me and his best fren si bujang terlajak ni. But I'm telling you..this bujang terlajak is now a multi millionaire. Well...sometimes in life, you missed the boat..or in my case, luxury yatch. But hey...aku kan mabuk laut. Kalau kapal cruise boleh lah tahan.

This guy...is the jantan sewel number one. As decent as he is..driving Pajero (hello..mid 90's Pajero sport is so onnnn okay?) adalah desperate nak berbini. But man being man, nevermind him being slightly imperfect but calon bini musti nak yang grade A. He said I am...to him is grade A. Cibai nya. Dia nya grade apanya, might you want to ask? Hmm...entahlah. Well, I kan baru grad dari obersea and masa tu gigih nak sambung master so he is dreaming of an educated pair. Pulak masa tu I was in between Siamang & MC...who was messing me about..leading me to uncertainty. This man is a real deal lah konon nya. But I was only 25. Settling down..beranak pinak...bermesra alam dgn ipar duai really was not on my agenda. He keep talking about he is just few years away from being 40 and and the need to 'produce' his generation dicampur pula dgn saranan sedara maranya kat Kelantan nunn.

He was really behaving like that guy in that Bachelor movie. Like, kalau tak kahwin by the end of the month, he is at risk of losing billions gitu. Rimas..rimas..rimas I. He sent me to and fetch me from work. He will terpacak to pick me up for dinner. He made it like he is being sweet..ala-ala boipren mithali gitu. But he is so critical of what I wear to work. Skirt belah kiri kanan tak boleh...but janganlah harap aku nak mendengar kata ye? You don't like skirt belah kiri kanan, maka mini skirt ku tunjukkan. One day I told him that me and few friends nak gi joget2 nak Picadilly. Maka dgn konfiden nya dia kata..awak pergilah, nanti saya masuk tarik awak keluar. Sambil gelak2..thinking that the controlling boipren act will deter me from going joget. Tak ke I rasa nak menjerit mendengar nya? Yes..memang I menjerit kat dia masa2 tu jugak...lantas dia menangis dan kata, janganlah break up dgn dia. Bila I pun sejuk hati cakap..okay lah...okay lah...terus dia buat doa syukur dalam kereta, menadah tangan baca doa dan baca tah hapa2 lagi dek happy nya. To cut the story short, all I did after that is to annoy him deliberately. He will nangis tarik tangan I tak bagi keluar kereta (of course, banyak betul adegan nak keluar kereta tengah2 Subang Jaya----seriusly, I eksyen je lebih) dan I pun..okay lahhh...okay lahhh. But no, how can I marry a man like that? Control freak. In the end, he got fed up. I am so thankful. But I have been telling him that I am not his grade A and never will be. But he is a Datuk now.

The jantan sewel number two is this young man I briefly had fling with. Fling ye Kiah..jgn marah. Ohh..I don't do younger man, okay...(tak tau lah sekarang) but this guy seems mature for his age. Yes, I was introduced to him. Ramai betul kengkawan yang susah hati I single masa tu...lantas dalam ramai2...dengan dia ni saja yang boleh lah to me. Memilih ke I? No...my heart really is with somebody else.

Like the number one, he'd do anything for me. He is kaki rendek so he goes out a lot and I think he likes it that I don't really care dia nak melahu kat Modesto sampai pagi. But of course walaupun dia balik lambat, dia tetap akan call I pepagi tanya I nak makan apa for breakfast. Jantan....biasalah, kalau belum dapat you, you suruh dia jilat pasir pun dia sanggup. Satu aje I tak berkenan dgn dia...dia bawak kereta macam pelesit! The persona of a caring boipren akan berubah sekelip mata bila sampai ke Federal Highway. Bila I tegur dia akan bad mood terus bawak kereta speed 30 mph. Memoncong kan muka sambil kata..okay I dah slow dah ni..u happy? Nak tunjuk kat aku dia tak puas hati lah tu kannn? But the amount of time I menjerit tarik lengan dia begging for my life masa dia berfeeling Ayrton Senna tu (drama nya I) tuhan saja lah yang tahu. But what did it for me is...one day tah hantu mana yang menyampuk dia...we were at Bukit Damansara T junction. This oncoming car takde nampak gaya nak slow down..and so is he. He keep saying that it is his right of the way and that car should slow down...and proudly say, I will not stop...head on..head on lah. He accelerated. I can see the car flashing and nak kata I can see my whole life flashing before me macam tipu lah pulak..sebab I dah tutup mata, but I was so so scared, I screamed, I begged...and yes...I punched him. Out of desperation. Stop the car you stupid bastard!  He stop. He was shocked. I walked out..walked to the nearest Shell (Jalan Batai ke hapa nama jalan tu) and get a taxi home. Both of us didn't call each other after that. But from his frens...I know he bad mouthed me. He even said..alah..Makji tu bukannya lawa pun..I am glad I got rid of her..etc etc. Mature lah sangat kann kau jantan?

Jantan sewel 3, ni boipren kawan I. Tapi the amount of time I dengan kawan2 yang lain mengumpat pasal jantan ni..tuhan aje lah yang tahu. Tapi takdelah nak ngumpat depan gilpren nya takut minah tu kecik ati. But every little thing he does is annoying to high heaven. Only when the gilpren moaned about him, we were all more than happy to menambah perisa. You know for some reason you allow yourself to cope with pompuan ngengada...but can you imagine if it is jantan? Kalau call gilpren masa pompuan tu tengah makan...ayang makan apa tuu...the girl jawab KFC...ohh..sedapnya, tolong makan kan untuk I sekali ye...tak ke kau rasa nak pijak muka dia yang tersongeh-songeh masa tu jugak? Tu belum lagi nak letak phone..you lah letak..you lah letak dulu..you la..you la...rasa nak mintak petir turun sabung menyabung sambar phone line rumah dia aje masa tu. Tu belum lagi dia merajuk...leave him alone katanya. But when the gilpren did leave him alone...marah lak kata, you tak peduli kat I. Monconggg....moncong...and he wants the whole world to know he is hard done by.

He was dumped after 2 years. My friend told me...I can't deal with his drama.


Sent from My Ipad

Things That Doesn't Make Any Sense...To Me

Suddenly, ramainya budak2 sekolah dalam FB I. Nak jugak ku bertanya..dik, kita jumpa kat mana ye? Knowing myself yang kenkadang pelupa tahap setan dan pocong, I hold that thought first. But still I am slightly puzzled as to where have they come from. Later on I figured out that it was their mother who I befriended at first but later, menurun kan account mereka kat anak2 depa. Lerrr...

Me and kids...ada love and hate connection. My anak2 buah will not even want to vouch for me if I ever submit an application to foster any child. In fact, I am sure if there's ever going to be a bad reference, it will come from them.

But they have since becoming so annoying..err, not my anak2 buah but this children in my FB. Mula2 nak jadi pensyarah agama and Ustazah Pilihan wannabe and seeing what they have written, hanya sesuai untuk kanak2 12 tahun ke bawah. So you know lah, bimbingan agama kanak2 bawah 12 tahun kan, serupa macam I dedulu...salah sikit aje masuk neraka. While I like to applaud their effort of mengembangtkan syiar Islam, their syiar Islam is really not age appropriate espeially to orang tua macam I ni. So I will look stupid if I argue more.

Pernah dulu I termasuk dalam conversation budak2 and when I did some pressing points, budak tu kata..ehh, kenape kiter ckp english? Ni lah padah nya kalau you kawan dgn mak dia, pastu mak dia pun bangang suggest you kawan dgn anak dia..dah of course dgn sendiri  nya you akan masuk dunia budak2 kan?

Then..setelah memberi bimbingan agama kat kengkawan...the next will be...ohh I can't sleep thinking of you Zayn Malik. Ustazah lah sangat kannn? What were you thinking about that stop you from sleeping? Macam2...pastu bergaduh lah pulak sesama dia...Biebot lagi bagus lah..no, Greyseng lagi cool lah..oii budak2..pergi mati boleh tak? ----kejam kan I? Maaf kan emosi saya, but really..at almost 40, do I really want to see or hear this?

Trust me I do know parents who even encourage things like this. What were you thinking?

Dah le mata I sakit membaca spelling yang macam lahanat...oh ye, mak bapak you buang duit aje ngantar you all pi tuitions...kalau nak spell dia jadi die/dye, tidur jadi tdow. Don't let me start on K. Seriously, macam babi.

Jeles kah I sebab zaman I takde pesbuk, takde Justing Bibot dan takde jejantan yg you all rasa cool tu? Ohh takde makna nya jeles dik oii...at least people my age got to experienced memorable pain of growing up. Kau tu, tunggu bas pun tak pernah dengar agak nya..let alone main masak2, kan?

So yes, I am giving myself a week to see if this child play is bearable to me. Kalau mak nya tak mengambik tindakan mengaktive kan diri mereka sendiri dan tak menggunakan khidmat PA mereka yang lebih sudu dari kuah tu, maka...tak payah lah kita berkawan lagi ye. I will unfriend your child.

Lagipun...I kan kuat mencarut kat FB..datang Kiah, lagi tambah 1000 kali so, it is unsuitable for kids viewing okay.


Sent from my iPad

Upacara Penamat Part 1

Hello Uols..

I haven't written very much about my project akhirat lately. I don't get much time for myself -----> eleh nippu nya, kalau ngumpat orang tu banyak pulak masa kan?

Where are we now with that, you might want to ask..ohh I sungguh perasan yang ramai orang mempunya misi sama macam I. It's been 6 months or more I supposed and unfortunately we haven't reached our target, in terms of fundraising. While this blog generates 300 max daily..meaning adalah 300 orang yang baca kann..but the kitty is not as fat as I had hoped.

But let's not allow the low interest from people deter us, eh..Desert Rose. Siapalah nak berpisah dengan RM10, apatah lagi £10.

Tu tak masuk nak mengeluh, susah lah nak pi transfer kat Al Rajhi bank tu, awat nya uols takde mebengtuyu? Ada pulak yang kata, susah nak donate, tak masuk..siap marah lagi kata susah lah macam ni, orang nak derma pun susah,kata mereka. But I bet kalau drive dari Shah Alam menuju ke puncak pavillion mengharungi jam tak lah susah, kan? Then of course ada yang tak suka dengan appeal page tu, katanya, kalau orang nak bagi, bagi lah..I don't have to keep reminding. Sure. And of course you are right.

To kawan2 yang mempromote donation link dalam blog mereka, terima kasih lah. Orang Bristol memang baik2 belaka dan student Malaysia memang kaya-kaya belaka.

Then I have good people who wishes to donate anonymously and asked that i don't publish their name. But I feel that I have to do that because I am so grateful with your support.

Yes, we are almost there. Just. I need to keep my job to fund the cause for now. Banyak cerita2 menyakitkan hati but tu semua asam garam kehidupan lah kan.

Didoakan Pakcik Arkitek yang dok memeram drawing tu mempercepatkan bantuannnya because I am losing money already :( but who cares?

Dikesempatan ini, for all the cash that we have raised, err £280 in total through paypal and some £100++ through Al Rajhi, from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for your kindness. I can assure you that the cash will go towards the centre.

Hands down, I am not a good fundraiser. And I tak femes...kalau fames, ramailah orang derma, ya dak? End of.

Another thing is that, once the centre is up and running, it will be the end of Makji Esah as a blogger mengarut. The work will soon 'out' me and soon you will get to know the other side of me. It will be impossible to blog when the cover is revealed. As it is now due to the nature of work I kena menapis apa yang patut apatah lagi bila dah terang-terangan besok.

I intend to write few case studies in Malaysia that was sent to me by Community Psychiatric Unit in my future post and hope to raise a bit more money by exposing the problems people with mental health are experiencing. Kalau berkelapangan, berilah bantuan dan kalau tak minat, tak apalah.

Thanks.

Mangsa Perubahan (Edited)

Hello uolss yang dikasihi...

Masa I balik Kehel bebaru ni..masa dok melepak kat rumah Amma (masa ni, I dok utara, dia dok selatan tak reti nak bercakap) I juga menghabiskan masa membaca sokabar lama Harian Mehteruks itu. Terbaca lah I kisah that boy yang dah jadi girl, pi masuk court nak buat pengesahan ke'girlie' an nya..lantas tidak dibagi langsung oleh judge maka dia pun jatuh sakit, masuk spital dan dia pun mati..kerana menjadi mangsa patah hati.

Kesian dia...Al-Fatihah sajalah yang I boleh sedekahkan.  Tak puas dengan membaca news, I google lagi kisah budak tu. Trust that segala human rights lawyer membantah keputusan hakim yang tak bagi dia tukar nama tu.

I wish to write about my observations on women in general. I may be at risk kena bambu dengan para-para new womanz but terimalah adat hidup yang lain orang lain pemikiran nya, ya? So lets just agree to disagree lah ye..

Nak menjadi perempuan ni bukannya senang wahai jejaka-jejaka diluar sana. Yes, we may have heard Dr Juanda take on transexual men and his words are true, transexual is categorically confused. Dan orang yang confused lah musti dibantu, bukan ditangkap, denda, cerca etc etc.

While one can come out with a statement like I am a woman in man's body, the man will remain a man and will not naturally become a woman however much hormone, silicone they inserted their body with. Changing your sexual organ will not automatically make you a woman either. Must I say, a woman is not just define only by what she has between her legs. Lebih dari itu.

This guy apparently died due to low blood pressure, induced by stress. And we all know which sex can easily succumbed to stress and life pressures. Ohh, ini bukan discrimination but pi lah melawat spital psychiatry dan tengoklah sendiri kaum mana yang ramai. Physical stress tak tahan, apatah lagi emotional kan? When I say physical stress, I don't mean man can't stand getting beaten up. Ohh, some are just made for that. Tak dia pukul orang, orang pukul dia. Physical stress that can induce mental illness are usually drugs abuse gituh. Nasib baik orang jantan takleh beranak...kalau tak macam-macam natal depression boleh dapat, pre, post etc etc.  A woman can easily looked back on their life..gone through tortures be it physical and mental, mengandung I dan beranak sebanyak mana laki dia nak, dihadiahkan madu oleh laki, dituduh pompuan lain nak merampas laki, dituduh madu menghantar santau etc etc...and still managed to laugh it off, walk all over it with their head held high.

A man? Enough said lah. Bini kena kacau pun meroyan..laki kena kacau..lagi lah.

I honestly think the judge made a reasonable call. He can't take the stress and of course now, Allah made it easier for him.

I went out for dinner with a group of womanz...half of them has had their penises reshaped into shape that is similar to mine. What I notice is that, they were so obsessed with their breast and they even let their mates fondled them. One volunteered to show his samosa shaped 'penis' to another 'kakak'. This 'kakak' shouted back at him..heyy choii..suwey tau! Later when we walked home, this 'kakak' yang belum 'potong' tell me, 'pondan2 potong ni semua tingtong lain macam.'

Showing off your blow up tits, your new vagina, is that really 'perempuan'?

Then I came across some transexual activist. Activist ke yang sesetengah tu? Defensive more like if you ask me..hmm. Trust that the transexual often ill treated. Betul, tu I pon tak nak deny. Tapi yang dok menghuru harakan hidup orang transexual ni jugak adalah kawun2 mereka jua. Yang sorang dah la celaru mental tak tahu nak accept diri jantan ke pompuan ka, yang sorang lagi...jantan psycho tak boleh senang hidup dgn puak yang sorang lagi tu. Some transexual has tendencies of a tragedy queen. Macam dia sorang ajelah manusia yang disalah erti, macam dia sorang ajelah yang teraniaya.  They talked openly about their sexual fantasies, the sexual favours they did to people and things they have done that will only suitable for UK sexetera channel. Again I want to ask, perempuan kah tu?

I don't remember me or anyone happily showing our bits to people, lainlah kalau kita ni certified gila kan? Orang perempuan kan pemalu..and kalau yg dah terlebih confident tu pun setakat berani buat striptease kan gym aje. And depan laki.

Whilst we should not discriminate and  must emphatise with them, might we wonder that one should be grateful dgn apa Allah dah kasi.

What's wrong with being a man..who look like a woman? Kan? We should recornise the psychological effects..kurang kromosom jantan ka dalam badan seorang jantan tu, but perlukah menukar physical as in menukar apa yang telah sedia ada?

All this over exxageration  nak menunjuk 'barang2 peribadi' tidak kah membuatkan mental sipenunjuk nya didalam keadaan suspect? Some words are ringing true here...orang yang bermasalah mental selalunya tak akan sedar yang dia bermasalah. Why must I wonder more?

Sent from Samsung Galaxy S III :)

Update

Do you know of anyone who is obsessed with Facebook? Well, maybe obsessed is a wrong word. But kalau activity nya pagi petang siang malam semua nak dimasuk Facebook serta gambar yang beratus-ratus pun nak masuk Facebook jua, amenda tu?

Ekcherliii...bukan activity Facebook dia yang menyakitkan payudara I..hehehe...as oppose to the exact phrase in English kan, Kiah? This person seems to be in a habit of 'tagging' me on all his photos.

Hari ni dia makan mee sup, kat mee sup tu lah dia tag nama I. Surely kengkawan I yang dapat tengok gambar tu musykil kerana I dengan tetiba dah bertukar jadik mee sup. Photos I sekarang adalah penuh dengan gegambar dia yang di tag I saja. Pulak tu dia boleh tanya, bila I nak approve gambar tu kat timeline I. Aiyamaaiyapa. This person traces all the outgoings of his pictures gituh.

Hari ni tadi, ada 14 gambar yang dia tag I. None of me in them. Tah gambar siapa2 tah. Gambar penyanyi mengandung pun ada nama I. Wah...adakah I yang terbabit dalam pengandungan penyanyi ittew? Unlike his other kaki ampu. by this I mean those yang memuja macam nak rak gambar2 dia...come on lah, I bukannya nak dengki I do you really intrigue by photo of mee sup dan mengomen berbanyak kali? And the notificationnya of course lah akan melalak-lalak kat mobile phone I mintak dibaca, kan?

I think, I can live with those who think that tagging you on the picture of their merchandise is a good idea of flogging the goods of quickly. Apalah salah nya..orang berbisness nak lah kembangkan bisnes kann? But what I cannot fathom is that the kedai baju/kain/aksesori can have their own account and added you as friends. Macam semalam, adalah kawan I ni meniaga jubah and some manik2 from her Boutique So & So. And the Boutique want to be my fren. make sense? Selalunya I takdelah nak melayan friend request Kedai2 ni...because, how on earth can you be friends with a kedai? Politely I will untag myself from the picture, of course, yes thank you for letting me know about your new products but maybe not this time lah ye. Un tag and that's it. Tak payahlah nak buat statement sarcastic kutuk orang tu pakai kuasa veto tag you dalam gambar benbarang dia. Awak pun meniaga juga and you should know that all business people needs is the exposure. Support as you can lah. tak suka or takde guna pada you, untag saja lah..kan? Sombong pulak! ---oh ye ini adalah sindiran.

Everytime when I see my 'pic' I am trying hard to understand that this person meant well. He is excited but I wish he knows his cyber boundary. Kenkadang I tak kenal langsung orang yang di'tag' kan bersama I tu.

I also know of someone who just accept anybody as friends. Laaa...speaking of accepting just about everyone, I ternampaklah comment2 mengarut dalam gambar kawan I ni, talking about that pregnant singer. One guy making comments about her outfit, maybe it looks fitting he think the singer should wear something comfy considering dia tu mengandung. pastu masuk lagi sorang makcik yang tanya soklan bodoh''ehh dia mengandung ke..when the gambar caption dah pun bagitau singer tu expecting.

In the end they traded unpleasant comments and my fiend ni cakap lah, he don't know who these two person (yang buat komen bangang) is. I nak aje cakap..weh, you just add anybody meh? So dapat orang yang you tak kenal pala hotak nya cemana, merasalah dapat komen bangang kan?

Samalah jugak dgn retis2 yang ada Twitter yang open to public. Of course la sesapa je boleh follow, terpasuk lah peminat2 you yang psycho macam I ni..kann? Ni pi tayang gambar pakai spaghetti strap, pastu adalah Ustazah Pilihan tegur, terus kata...my clothes my choice, siapa komen lebih2 saya block.

Leh...dah kau 'expose' dirikau kat member of public pastu marah pulak bila orang komen, kan? Kalau tak nak org cakap macam2..takyah ada social networking ni via alam maya ni. Kau buat aje kelab peminat style jaman dedolu..isi borang segala..pi makan2..pastu balik rumah main angry bird. Hati pun tak sakit.

Tak pun, carik je lah kerja lain.

Psycho Mu, Psycho Ku Jua...

Hehehe..tajuk cam naharrom, kan?

Bebaru ni ada Malaysia Week kat London. Meriah la jugak pasar malam nya...tapi I tak pergi. Tak kuasa nak berhujan-hujan nak nak pulak cuaca yang memerlukan baju 3 lapis ni nak dicampurkan dalam keadaan yang basah, so memang terima kasih benyak-banyak lah kann?

I got to meet the model and the dancers. I am not a big fan of Malaysian dancer sebab kalau I tengok TV tu, masing2 joget manjang tak synchronised aje, pastu..idoklah masing2 tu reti nak beef up kan body pergi gym dan yang jejantan nya patah gemertap segala. Well, tak kisahlah if orientation you patah rioks, but kalau nak menjadi dancer jantan, haruslah bertubuh maskuls gitu...maka sedap la sikit orang tengok, kan?

Kawan I yang juga pengacara yg glams itu suka benar bagitau orang apa kerjaya I kat sini. I tak kisah pun kena introduced dgn orang but kenkadang org yg di introducekan kat I tu adalah mega seleburity yg I tak kenal and pastu I notice lah seleburity pun mcm cipan beranak kecik aje bila I tanya what do you do. Tak kau tension bila kau pelakon tersohor pastu ada pulak makcik tak kenal kau? Hehehe tersohor la sangat kau kann? Eeshh..I bukannya kaki kejar glamer. The less people know about me the better. So ini pesanan kepada makluk yg suka pi kompang kat orang yg dia dgn Esah adalah kawan baik lagi ketat, rentikan lah. Tak payah lah you nak gunakan I dalam misi mencapap you ye...you glamer sorang dah le. Ohh tetiba lak keluar pesanan penaja.

Of course reaction orang yang sangat biasa when they know what I do for a living is that they think I know sifat2 manusia. Hek elehhh hai. Kalau takat nak tahu bab pengetahuan am tu tak apa. Of course ilmu harus dikongsi.

So this young lady. An aspiring model. Wahh...punya keding nya badan dia making me think modelling is full of torture. To get a body like that, I bet she must force herself to hate nasik lemak and teh tarik. Everyday is a puasa day, maybe.

So she asked me about anger management and if I have any advice. The next one hour was about her. She asked me how do I flag a psycho. I tanya dia, what do you mean wahai adik supermodel boleh terbang ditiup angin? Pun berceritalah dia akan kengkawan dan boipren 'psycho' nya.

Meh la I nak cerita sikit pasal 'psycho' or term yang betulnya psychopath. Sebab ilmu I dah berkarat I think it means a person with a diseased mind. Walaupun pesakit otak ni boleh mengakibatkan psychosis yg bersifat sementara, tak semua pesakit otak adalah gila. Bak kata trainer I, psychopath are not mad but they can be very,very bad. Gituh.

Biasalah orang kan sesedap jiwa aje panggil or guna term psycho but don't really understand what the term means nor do they even consider the likelihood of actually coming into contact with bona-fide psychopath.

Scientist kata between 1 to 3 percent of general population are psychopath. So, kawan pesbuk you ada berapa orang? Kalau ada 100 maybe dlm jumlah tu at least one of them qualifies, unless all your friends are made in rumah pemulihan akhlak tak pun penjara Kajang in which case 15% of them will. You may not realise it and in fact the chances are that you wont. The psychos in your life maybe your Boss, in Kiah's case, I think her gordonramsay is, your teenage child, your blind date, your relatives (ohhh...) your doctor or your lover. Point I'm making is, they can be anybody with unreasonable characteristics. They can be a normal looking person. The only thing they have in common is a cluster of emotional abnormalities and antisocial behaviour that can wreak havoc.

Then you wonder how and why everyone loves a psychopath. How many of us yg suka tengok cerita2 hantu dan psychopath? Why would you pay for the privilege of shivers down your spine? You might say you're into that sort of thrill. Yo la..thrill lah sangat. But fact is, you find psychopath  and their psychopathic behaviour err, toreh muka orang dgn garpu, rogil pempuan secara bersiri etc etc and all this act of psychos, a thrill. Why?

You may think that because seeing the mentally ill is all in my days work, I am able to spot a psychopath instantly. Ohh...you should know that I don't have that kind of natural ability. Kalau ada orang claim dia pandai spot a psycho chances are he or she is one. Tak pun, sebab dia dah lama hidup dan hidupnya dok bertembung dgn psycho aje.

Cam nilah...since all psychologists and psychiatrist ni, especially if they're in forensics field will charge by hour of their expertise, I can only share what I have learn in my 11 years of working experience and studies yang tak lah sebagus mana. All I can say is, don't live your life hunting for the next psychos but watch out for the red flag.

I don't want to share my experience with the convicted psychopath. Reason being is that had they have not arrested and convicted, we wouldn't know that they exist. Let's just look around us. Since I am in this subject, let me tell you about my ex psycho friend. I know she reads my blog and I think somehow, she must secretly have this inclination that she is a psycho too. Well, I am not friends with her anymore. So, kalau nak saman...saman lah.

Remember, red flag. Me and her, when I was in ITM shared a house together. She was working and I was struggling to finish up my remaining papers. I was working too during that term holidays. Now that I look back I think she has a very low self esteem and to make up for the kekurangan, she feel the needs to menunjuk. Tunjuk dia ada bf lah, tunjuk dia lagi bagus la..(tapi tak lah bagus mana pun) everyday she comes home telling us about the wonderful time she had with her bf. Over the weekend she will go out and come back telling us how a stranger can compliment her outlook (red flag 1). One day she came back with a perfume, quite an expensive one. She said the promoter thinks that she is so good looking she can have the perfume for free (red flag 2). The next day her room mate who works with her was telling me about how some money missing from their workplace. After half an hour, she came back asking me if the room mate had mentioned anything and if she has, don't take her words for it. The thing is, she was not close to me before this duit hilang kat ofis punya story. Noticeably after that the room mates has a mild fall out and she formed her friendly allegiance to me. Tetiba interested pulak dengan hidup I yang kurang berwarna dari dia tu. But that time I had to focus with my own things so I sort of aware she is only with me sebab dia takdak kawan dah. Meantime there's so many stories heard about her and the whole house fall out.

Thanks but no thanks to pesbuk (she is the 1% okay?) I saw her, presumably with the husband. We started messaging each other. Bila I balik Malaysia we arranged to meet and what I see is that dia masih macam dulu...suka cakap pasal diri dia sendiri dan kehebatannya. Cewwahh...she told me she was a magistrate and that's how she met her husband when her husband datang bayar saman traffic (red flag 3). Ohhh...back of mind thinking, okay...I was a law student, dalam tak pass pun, I know what steps students need to go to qualify as a Magistrate. (tak nak kalah..Magistrate nahh?) And..would you leave your high flying career to become a housewife ? Ni set yg mak pun duduk sekali jaga anak bila dia pergi berbisness, and plus, kalau anak 5, make sense la kalau nak berhenti kerja pun, nursery kan mahal? (red flag 4) So, I asked about her bf yang kononnya dulu jejaka idaman Malaya dia tu. Well, things didn't work out for them, katanya. So one day setelah frust gila babi after putus chenta, she went to Mekah dan berdoa semoga ditemukan jodoh, maka sekejapan itu katanya, lakinya yg sekarang ni muncul. (wahh..tak ke kau rasa nak pi Mekah mintak jumpa jodoh dgn Nuar Jain, Kiah?)  Eh..bukan tadi kau kata jumpa kat mahkamah ke? (Flag...flag..flag...help.help..help!) She like to impress me gila2 punya, tak tau pasal apa. Ada satu malam she call me saying that she bought me a karipap from a bakery (hah kau, Kiah) and sanggup tu nak hantar ke tempat I tinggal mengenangkan I yg suka makan cipap eh kipap tu. I cakap..ala, tak payah lah. She was so nice giving me stuff but somehow I made sure I reciprocate balik dgn barang2 lain, so that if one day dia takkan ngungkit la dia bagi I barang macam2.

But you know, I ni kenkadang tak rajin dengar kata hati. Like many of my newly emerged friends, she is also vangga la with what I have achieved today. Cerita kevanggaan nya dengan I tu diselangselikan dengan cerita dia yang mempunyai business dealing keliling dunia. So disebabkan kejayaan nya tu, dia nak lah membuat amal jariah dan membantu I membuat kerja amal I ni. Hmm...harramzads. Ishh manusia. Agaknya kalau I masih dok KL awak kereta Satria merah I tu, ada ke orang nak pandang? U fren me bcos I dok hinglen kan? Her flattery is somehow 'seductive' but very insincere. Tanda2 psycho dah terang pun I layan jugak. Yes, in the end, we did stop talking. Sebab dia suka sangat cakap bohong, bab bab dia menipu I tu, I tak lah kisah sangat. Tapi, dia nak tutup salah dia lantas menjadi batu api supaya I marah kat orang lain, tu yang did it for me. So yes, that's one psycho for me. At some point, she is fun to be around for a short while as her recklessness and impulsivity can be exciting but her self assurance can easily tip into a domineering arrogance and you really wouldn't want to be around them when things do not go their way. And again, the pathological liar trait. For a psychopath, it is their nature to use and damage those who allow it, even though they often shoot themselves in the foot in the process, like in my case, she lost my friendship and trust. Not that their ego will ever allow them to admit it, a psychopath will blame everybody and everything, but never themselves for their problem.

So, if you come across benda tak masuk akal...like stalking an ex boifren, flaunting all the wrongdoings to the world but still think its okay, you really need to lose this type of person, quickly.

Selamat maju jaya.

P/s I wish I can tell you how many red flags I saw during my conversation with that supermodel. But after half an hour, I lost count, I'm telling you. Isk...




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