For Abang

This year is ending. (okay..kalau uols baca posting ni di tahun baru, silalah mahapkan kebengongan mobile phone tenet ku ini yeah)

For you who don't know...ye lah...I kan kendakang benda2 private tak suka share dgn orang gitu, this year I lost another brother. For this posting, I want to talk about him.

It is only 2 years gap between us. We were very close when we were growing up. From what I gather, he is Appa and Amma pride and joy. Sebab dia anak sulung jantan maybe.

I remember that he always gets what he wants.

I remember that he always gets things that is the top of the range.

I remember that he excels in getting himself out of the pickle situation he created.

As we get slightly older, our father spent most of his times working away. Not having a father around at the age when you are about to start questioning the world is not ideal. Looking back I think Appa must have regretted the effect on not being there during Abang's sensitive age.

What I remember clearly that he grew up to be the spoil-est self appointed brat who run rings around Amma.

Growing up seeing him manipulating my parents, hassling every inch of my parents life and causing heart and headache sort of molded me into a docile child who wish not to be the same as him and not adding anymore on top of many issues my parents were facing when the kids are growing up.

See, I chose to be the docile one because I have to.

Of course with him being super difficult and rebellious one, the parents allegiance switched to the anak2 yang tak membuat hal. The jealousy started. To Abang, I am Appa's apple. What worse, Appa pulak menunjuk-nunjuk, probably thinking that (showing me up to him) will change Abang's ways. Illek pochik!

We have good moments too, well..when he is not too consumed by his hard done by feelings. What he didn't know that we (the adik2) had to work hard to get what we want.

In the recent years, our relationship take turn for the worst. Tak payah lah I cerita banyak2 but suffice say, my kepala batu and his unreasonable behaviour is a concoction of bad cocktails. He is by all account, envied the hell out of me.

I can only suspect that he is envious because I am the one Appa trusted to lead the adik-adik. But I think most of all, he envied the fact that I am the person he is not.

But what Abang didn't know is that, I am too, envious of him. I am dead envious that he got to do exactly what he wants irregardless. He doesn't have any care for the world and for how others may feel. If you think that selfish person had it all, that is by all account is right.

Our family had a difficult 2 years. In that time, his irresponsibility causes frictions and pushing me right out of his way. He had a difficult 2 years too. His marriage collapsed. I was told that everything started to break into pieces when his wife left him. In that two years, he has upsets so many people, and his own family are not spared.

Abang died peacefully in his sleep. My sister told me that he spent his last week calling up people to apologise.Of course at that time nobody took him seriously ---the amount of time...I'm sorry but I'll do it again.He called up Amma and put her mind at rest, finally. 3 days after telling Amma that he has make peace with Allah and himself, he left us without a goodbye.

I am glad that his final journey was made easy, if only, that is the only easiest journey he had in his life.

I want to remember good things about him. After he left and until today, I did not cry. I dreamt of him, but because we bergaduh so much in our lifetime, mimpi pun mimpi bergaduh.

But my Abang, despite all the bad traits he developed thanks to his surroundings, is the kindest man I know. He taught me to do whatever my heart desires. When I decided to migrate to England and Appa wasn't happy, he encouraged me and said...if I were you, I just go. Nevermind if you be this anak derhaka for now as long as you are happy. No so nice lah..but still...

I get to do cool things with him too. When we were little, he taught me many adventurous things, an experience a girl can only learn from her brother.

I remember when he first joined the boy scout and got to go camping. He came back and told me how exciting the camping was and persuaded Appa to let me come with him camping. Appa said no. In the end, he re enacted camping scene with khemah and food cooking belakang rumah for me to see what the fuss is all about. (it short-lived ..masuk senja, Amma think it is clever to tell us that Si Panjang kaler hitam akan datang lalu lalang depan khemah----mencicit I dgn dia masukrumah)

I last properly spoke to him during my younger brother wedding. He was trying to make amend by buying me a blueberry cake for my birthday.  But I was too cooped up. Macam sial perangai. He was sad and he told Amma & Appa. At that time I am glad that I actually for once managed to made him sad.

Yes. I cried when typing the above paragraph. I cried because my one and only Abang, the coolest one as I like to remember, the one who will actually never stop trying to make things better even though it turn out worst, has died.

I will always love you....because, you are my Abang. Al-Fatihah.