I Need Your Ears

I took 2 days of compassionate leave last week, and to my colleagues, they said it feels like ages, as they got scared taking messages for me and not knowing how to do it on my behalf. Padan muka!! So, siapakah sebenarnya yang makan gaji buta sekarang, aku atau mereka-mereka ni?

I have been neither here nor there, and certainly not being in my house at all since last Wednesday. Leisure time with the internet tersangatlah limitednya. I minimised my session to only 80 minutes a day and only seeing 2 people the most, unless kalau dah kes nak mati sesangat.But the world have been kind or shall I say, the moon has been shining in full and therefore, kuranglah sikit case yang pelik-pelik.My only pleasure now is to read my usual suspect's blog page and learning on what are they getting up to. So interesting, kan?

Frankie's mother passed away last Wednesday. She was 84. I saw her last the Saturday before and promised to visit again the coming Friday. I remembered that she whispered to me 'I hope I'll make it to Friday'...and I pulak, dengan positive nya teruslah menjawab, 'Of course you will'. Habis, nak cakap apa lah pulak lagi kan? To be honest, I have never seen her so frail, all this years knowing her. Tapi masa last I jumpa dia, orang tua ni, nak bernafas pun susah. But according to F, dia pernah sakit lagi teruk dari ni, and akhirnya sembuh jugak. So, I ni, bila dah dengar track record dia yang cepat sihat tu, takdelah pikir yang dia ni akan padam anytime soon. But she did.

I would like to thank those who kind enough to text me lovely messages. All I can think now is to make this easier for F, yang macam dah tak betul aje sejak mak dia mati ni (mulut ku ni...ishhh) The first 2 days tu, dia takdelah nampak sedih sangat, malah boleh gelak-gelak, minum-minum lagi...but after that, boleh terbangun malam-malam buta sambil nangis-nangis 'I want my mummy'. I am really finding this difficult. Although my job involves giving people 'therapeutic talking to', I think, I'm not doing a good job with F at all. I tried. Ada jugak kenkadang terlepas marah...and I really have to pull myself together, and kenangkan yang mak dia baru mati. Tapi, mak dia dah mati...selain dari bagi so many comforts words, apa lagi yang I boleh buat?

I already made arrangement not to see any out patient and concentrate only on the in house resident. So, it gives me plenty time to be with F. I travelled too. Badan penat jangan cakap laah...but I am doing this for F. Last night, I curi-curi pakai laptop dalam bilik, terus dia kecik ati...so, sebelum dia pulak yang mati, I pun switch off lah my benda alah tu. I keep telling myself that I really need to offload stuff in my head. Nanti I pulak yang stress...but again, I keep reminding myself, this is not about me.

The next thing in our agenda is nak uruskan funeral mak dia. Nasib baik tugas I dalam hal ni ialah memberi moral support aje.Matilah kalau I kena buat lebih-lebih.I honestly think that lagi cepat funeral tu diadakan, lagi cepatlah si F ni realised yang mak dia dah mati.Denial sungguh!!! Tup-tup, dapat tahu from adik dia pagi tadi yang rumah bakar mayat tu tengah buat renovation pulak, so, yang simati yang tengah tunggu untuk dibakar ni (kurang ajar tak I?) kenalah ambik giliran...yang mak si F pulak dapat giliran on first week on July. I puas pujuk dia malam tadi, pergilah tengok mak you kat chapel of rest tu (that is what they call the mortuary like in the undertakers premises) dalam hati I, maybe, after dia tengok body mak dia tu, maka, termasuklah dalam batu jemala dia tu yang memang confirm mak dia dah mati...but, dia tak mau lah pulak. Alasannya, before mak dia mati, dia dah janji nak jumpa mak dia, tup-tup, mak dia mati dulu.So, dalam kepala dia, mak dia patut tunggu dia, and dia memang bengang, kiranya mak dia dah memungkiri janji lah ni. Ayo lamak!!!!

But you all please don't think that I am taking a piss. I memang simpati and in fact, I am saddened by the death. Mak dia sungguh baik, anak dia pun tak baik macam tu sekali. Bila mak dia mati, dalam kepala I pikir, both me and F survived this long pun atas jasa baik mak dia yang most time kitorang gaduh, akan jadi peacemaker. Lepas ni, kalau kami gaduh lagi, siapa pulak nak tolong? Goddess Suendelz ke?

Dalam sibuks-sibuks ni, ada pulak orang KL datang pastu, mintak dilayan. Maka besok, terpaksalah I keluar mengular, ularrr, ularrrr!!! Hambik kau LeQ!! (during working hours) demi nak membawak mamat yang sorang ni gi tengok Stonehenge.Nak kata tak boleh, takde pulak alasan munaserawak nak dikasi...(ye lah, tak kan nak cakap mak mentua mati kan? abis orang tanya..ish..bila kau kahwin nyehhh?)

But that is the least of my worries now. Nasib baik hantu tu balik hari Khamis ni..kalau buat nya duduk berminggu, entah-entah, dia yang nanti akan aku hantar gi bakar kat Crematorium nun. But M sungguh suka lah, dah dapat 2 carton Sampoerna, mana aje orang ni nak pergi, semua nak diturutkan. Cisss.

I am doing all I can to be a good partner in time like this. It really brings us together tapi, tak taulah kalau I boleh tahan bila dia start berpatah-patah hati ni. Teruk kan I?

p/s ada orang tu akhirnya, mengaku jugak dia dah umur 35 tahun..kalau tak asik lah nak tunggu December. To my kawan-kawan, I want you to know that I have been reading your blog too, tapi tak sempat nak comment...sebab, tak boleh nak mengulit lama-lama kat PC. But, whatever it is, I'm sure your life is as wonderful as jutawan kayu balak.Keep up the good work.