Bapak Ku, Bapak Ku Jua....

With my emotion all over the place...I may inadvertently ter suggest that my father is a puaka type. No. He is not and I don't like to think so...there may be certain attributes yang menyakitkan hati but the right person to offer any kind of opinion is my mother, the woman he married, dumped and later reconciled.

Here's the truth. Although he loves us the same (as he always said) my other siblings, my mother, my relatives and myself (for this matter) can see that he, maybe a little bit lenient with me. He calls me 'sayang' sampai dah besar-besar ni...and malu pulak bila di address demikian rupa. Well, why wouldn't he? When I was little, I was this quiet, docile and undemanding person. I have always settled with second hand stuff (of course, my abang always get a new things and he always does) I never talked back...and I, (kembang-kembang) according to my father, pandai mengaji. Well, I khatam Quran when I was only 9 (I know someone else even younger) but during that time, my competition is always my eldest brother yang sangat pemalas and kaki auta and often at my father's nerves. And I guessed that my parents are also in some kind of competition among themselves where, this child ikut I, that one ikut you...so, my abang is always 'macam you' and I (yours truly) is like me. Kira-kiranya, my father ni telah menghasilkan seorang anak yang baik lah ni....

My saham elevated higher when we (me and my opponent that time, my abang lah) were in our teen. My father have some kind of standard (although my mother have always wonder kenapa dia macam ni...padahal, parents my father takdelah kaya-kaya) Now when I think about it, my father must be is some sort of pressure to be this middle class champion. Coming from MCKK, he must have rubbed shoulders with the high and mighty and of course, marrying my mother who is a daughter of a well-heeled businessman. So, when we are little...although my father insists on not lavishing us with apa-apa gadget terbaru di pasaran, he spent money on buying encyclopedias and sending both me and my brother to that summer school in Lumut, kononnnya nak membina semangat. My father always said to my mother 'I want the children to be stronger so that no one will ever take a piss out of them'. (I'm sure my father don't use such word...tapi...mestilah nak tambah perisa kan, aku ni) Whilst, I happily follow what he wants, my brother retaliates badly. And during this time, my mother is always at fault for 'making' my brother that way. My father has a violent temper...and for my mother to have endured that long...maka, my mother akan masuk syurga without bayar toll. If I may put it frankly....

About my brother, it wasn't my life story to tell but nevertheless, after many years of spat, (plus tak nak bagi my mother susah hati) he reconciled with my father. The only thing that I am proud of my siblings is that, although kadang-kadang ada perang-perang dingin...one thing that all of us can't bear is to make our mother sad. She had enough of that...I know everyone is trying their best. When I was home before, I criticised my sister to only pandai to post anak dia kat my mother and making her looking after babies. That stresses my mother big time, although I dengan my sister takdelah gaduh-gaduh...until my mother said calmly to me, 'Do you really think she is happy parting with her child? Don't upset your sister, as it is, she is already sad not being able to care for her own child'. I never said anything after that, in fact, I have taken up a role of a diapers supplier that month.

As a child, I thought I was happy. In fact, I think I am. If my father hadn't disciplined us the way he did, I may be now, entah jadi apa-apa. When I was accepted into university and was reading law, he was beaming. He had always wanted that. I never knew what I want. During my years in the UK (between the times my parents separated) I have time to re evaluate and think for myself. I become so unhappy and I know, I can only blame him for that. I ceased talking to him and knowing that it wasn't fair on him. We never fall out; it's just that I need a scapegoat for my anger. All this while, I had blamed my mother for not standing up and rescue me. At that time, you can only think the obvious. You wanted help and she can't do much but only to ask me not to upset my father.

I started retaliating....in silence. I began to do what my heart desires. My father loves me too much to oppose however, made it clear that he is not in agreement. But at that time, I really don't give a monkey. My counsellor tak bertauliah that time is my brother. Armed with his long standing ketakpuasan hati dengan our father, he encouraged me further. People said, how lucky are you ber abang yang sporting gitu. He once said, 'If I was you, doesn't matter...jadilah anak derhaka sekejap'. Punyalah puaka nasihat itu.

My retaliation comes as a shock to my parents, and of course, bila ada yang tak kena dalam rumah, yang menjadi puncanya ialah my mother. I just drifted away with my silent anger. I need to make peace with myself before I can confront my father.

To this end, I haven't confronted him but I have made my peace with myself. The job that I do now requires constant personal psychotherapy and from there I disposed my anger towards him. I think this is for the best, he will never know what I thought of him nor that he need to finds out that over these years how militantly upset I was with him. I have to disagree with many therapist or counselors that often suggesting their patient to confront their anger. Sometime, some anger are best to be forgiven, after all, I don't think I can't cope with guilt if I ever confront him. Can you imagine this little mite that you nurtured with all the love you can give and turned out hating the hell out of your guts?

I like to think that I turned out alright, and although, he may think that he knows best, I am quite happy with what I do now. I can't say I'm all happy with my life, but at least things are bearable and the good lesson that he had taught is that to never depend on people. But again, we need each other, didn't we?

My anger with him has settled (or may have) and there is no intention to start making or getting a point across, especially for him who never had known what has he done wrong. As it is, I am full of guilt over the years of ignoring him and for becoming distance from him. But for sure, I will love him, because he is my father.