About Me

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Telepathic Message

Abah, it is Father’s Day celebration tomorrow in England. I was at Sainsbury’s today and was combing through a stash of condolences card when I saw this big Father’s Day poster. How can it slipped my mind? I was supposed to send it 5 days ago at least. It is way too late to have them delivered at your doorstep in KL.

Somebody that I care about died recently. I must say that every time I see or hear about death, my mind wander and thought of you, not that I want you to or wish anything bad, but commiseration always giving me high anxiety. I don’t know how it feels like to lose a parent. Someone said that losing a mother is tougher than losing a father. I can’t quite make anything from it. Different people fill in different gap.

Every time I read and heard about other father who treat their children like scum, I am always thankful that you are not the same, although I must confess that there was a time where I and the rest (I’m sure they will not mengaku) was flared up with hatred. The time when you lost your temper, the time when things are not quite good and the time, when I disobey you. (maybe twice?)

You are going to be 70 this year, a very vulnerable age for a Malay man with all sets of disease in tow to continue looking ahead. It breaks my heart when I saw you last, because you are always this strong man with power to have everything done. (although, you still manage to have things done by ordering others around, heh?) You keep teasing me about how one of this day that you may clock out and your body can’t wait 13 hours longer for me to travel home. I was so annoyed that I left you nattering on your own about it. How dare you? Would you like it if I say the same? That I can die anytime, now that London is full of Muslim fanatics that lie in wait anywhere to blow up busses and tubes? In the end, I just got fed up and tell you that you might not die at all now that you are wishing it, and for all we know, in a twist of fortune, I might be the one who maybe kojol dek sakit jantung. What can you say?

Okay, I forgot to buy you a card and I am not likely to ring you up to start whinging like a little manja-manja girl wishing you Happy Father’s Day. If you remember, I was brought up in such a way that I keep my emotion inside, although you both have wanted to know what it is in my head and heart. Well, tough. This is the deal with having children. Be prepared to have the weird one. The one that doesn’t talk or turn out to be like other people’s children. But rest assured, this one is fine however different. How I wish after all this time of therapy that I had may change me into mushy heart and become like the others. I never will be. It is way too late. How can I put it cleverly, I am now a buluh and hardened badly overtime.

But, underneath this entire tough exterior, if only you know how much I wish that you are nearer and how much I miss you. There’s telephone line. I paid BT monthly but hardly used it. I know the number. But why I didn’t call? You are very clever, you must know why.

For all the good, the bad and the ugly, I can never wish for anyone as a father.
Happy Father’s Day.

(P/s I will send you a card)


lekiu said...

Kann ? Susah nak cakap kalau bab parent ni. But your story is something that I could relate to as well.

Early this month, I resumed my monthly meet with my mum (which I have unilaterally suspended for quite some time). In substance, she said about the same thing your father said to you. Well, in your case due to geographical obstacle, returning home often is not something that is an option, thus your dilemma is understandable.

I remember sometime back watching Joy Luck Club and at that moment while watching it, I realise how much parent and child misunderstood one another. Some of the dialogues such as "You don't know the power you have over me!" and "Nothing I can do can ever please you!" is all too familiar.

Buried underneath the emotional trauma in us all (maybe some of us) lies a basic need to have our feelings validated and the need of our parents to avoid us falling into the same mistakes they probably made earlier in life.

Sometimes I suppose their fear reverberate in their often so painful statement that doesn't sound much like reconciliation or a statement of hope but a statement that tend to just push us away.

In any case, I sincerely hope you find the elusive reconciliation that has eluded me.

Goddess Selene said...

Ermmmm, I pon rasa i hv almost the same situation as you. I dont even wish a Hppy Fathers Day to my dad. As I remember not even once. But its not that I hate him or anything but its just that I donno the way how to express my emotion. I know am a bit distance but somehow deep in my heart, I still love my dad as he is. I just hope one day that I'd be strong enough to swallow my pride and show him how I care & love. Just hope we are not too late to do so!

Cik Kiah Kidman said...

I never forget my parents' birhdays nor do i forget about mother's or father's day. But for the past two years i didn't do anything at all..i didn't send them any cards, presents or smses. There are issues that need to be resolved but unless there's a 3rd neutral person e.g. counselor present i don't think it will ever be resolved.

Rockafella Gurl said...

** for faizal

bro, I'm still keep Joy Luck Club pya video tau!

dat's rite Han.. baik & buruk pon he still our father, no matter how! uhuk!