Leave My Kepala Botak Alone...

Abg D*ale brought with him a bunch of Malaysian's magazines and newspaper for us to read during his trip to London recently.I only came home yesterday after spending many days at Frankie's and barulah dapat membaca all that imported reading materials.It was fun reading what is happening in KL (although I must say,my daily read is Razak Baginda's court case...sungguhlah scandalous nya and sungguhlah garang bini nya itu)

This Malaysian newspaper is one week old...and maybe more, and maybe, by now Malaysian has grew out of it.But what never failed to amaze me is how seriously Malaysian reporter took interest on one's wellbeing and behaviour.This young lady, bless her heart, has already upset Malaysian by quoting the word 'stupid', of which I truly believed was only referred to herself when trying to express herself in Bahasa Melayu.Well, what can you expect from someone who conversed daily in English? How can they rightly put 'I am deliriously happy, extremely happy' in Bahasa Melayu, especially in a proper sentence? Tak kan nak cakap...amboi, sukanya saya...syok nya saya...wehh..suka gila beb. Bahasa Melayu apa kah itu? So, to nak jaga muka and majlis, one may force to express him/herself in the only way comfortable and suitable for oneself. But by doing that, she has inadvertantly upsetting the Malays.How can she possibly be so upsetting to the nation, that, I really beg to know more.I am only giving my opinion based on what I read.For all I know, she could have intentionally make herself sounded stupid but for someone that clever, I doubt that this was voluntary.

When I was living in KL, every Friday night when the population of people who is 'tua sebelum waktunya' like me opted to wind down at home, I used to watch that Cerekarama.Here's the secret.Honestly, I would rather watch something else.But, I am always very picky about what I watch or more precisely, who I watch.I will investigate beforehand, tengok siapalah yang berlakon, and if takde the like of Aida Rahim ke, Noorkumarisini ke, Fauziah Nawi or Jasmin Hamid ( dia ni selalu jadi budak kerja kilang kan?) jangan haraplah I nak tengok. I also remember those 'Kuasatek' drama where all actors will bantai berkorporatan and berskeaping London, where at some point of that show, I swear that some actors are better off cakap melayu, simply because they sounded silly in English. The visualisation of the corporate world was portrayed exhorbitantly too much some people can't even bear to watch.The irony is, the genuine corporate ites don't even watch it.But if they do, surely the lot will get very uncomfortable being pictured in such way.

What is my point? That poor girl (Amani) speaks eloquently in English and by doing so, express herself better in English. She sees her low point almost immediately, obviously feeling sensitive speaking English among the Malays and has offered to call herself 'stupid' by not able expressing herself in Malay. What did she get in the end? Berlagak pun kena, mengaku bodoh pun kena. The journalist kutuk her from left right centre.Dato's Rais Yatim (who once upon a time, conversed 90% in English) pun sampai kecik ati.Pasal apa tatau.From what I see, no one ever comment on how 'stupid' it sounds when Ella skeaping English.But honestly, I don't think Ella converse well in Bahasa too...

Months gone...and this young lady emerged with a new heatwave (among the journalist...and the religious cleric too) They are now fussing about her new haircut.Apparently is haram as it is now akin to adapt more on a manly look (that causes the haram bit...you can't look like a man)

Hair? Wajibnya ditutup kan, Kiah? I applaud to those who tutup their aurat and I can only pray that one day Tuhan will bukak my hati to tutup my aurat but seriously, I think we must now segregate aurat/behaviour/dosa.While all of us nak mengutuk perempuan tak menutup aurat, what about perempuan yang aurat tutup but perangai teruk? We kutuk the tak warak kind but about those who terlampau warak but speaking ill of others in masjid-masjid? Dosa is a result of one wrongdoings, but, are we really the right person to be the judge of that?

The BBC broadcast a church service on Radio 4 every Sundays,where they played plenty of hymns, sermons and prayers.The priest will then pray for the unfortunate people everywhere in the world.It is very touching they way the true feelings was expressed.After the 7/7 bombings, I never heard of any Priest speaking badly of the terrorist.It is very obvious that what happened and what's been done is bad, and still, they kindly offer their prayers to the troubled soul.On the other hand pulak, there's this mosque in Finsbury Park yang imam nya dok mengutuk-ngutuk Israel. Islam is supposed to be the way of life. What's with the extreme hatred towards people that are not believing the same?

Tough, Amani shaved her head and you don't like it. She is hardly telling all young girls to follow suit and start shaving their head. She have her own reasons. Even if she doesn't have any, the sacrificed hairs was hers. Rambut dia, kepala dia, suka dia lah kan? If her action is really a dosa besar, as a fellow Muslim, tak boleh ke kita berdoa supaya dia jadi baik? By critisising her through and through, what will that make us? Better than her?

Let people do what they like doing, nak rambut panjang ke, nak mekap dragon ke...it's hardly affecting anyone. Nobody got killed and exploded to bits. Kesian Altantuya kan?

BTW, I will be away for a bit.But I certainly will be reading your blog, where ever the Wifi connection is available.See you all soon.

All Week Musings

Earlier this week, ada news dalam paper about a 24 years old man, akan kena jail for don't know how many years and he will be in sex offenders list. All because of him having sex with a 10 years old girl. Seperti biasa, bila dah keluar news yang macam ni, segala macam pertubuhan wanita/makcik/nenek or bapak-bapak mithali will start raging from dusk till dawn dek ketidakpuasanhati.I'm not sure if I should be writing this, as my opinion can spark unwanted conflicts.Espeacially to those yang ada anak.But I think similar offence happened everywhere even in Malaysia.Anyone who had sex with a minor, tak pasal-pasal will be labelled perogol, albeit masa berkongketan tu, sibudak pompuan yang bawah umur ni kenkadang nafsu bolehlah mengalahkan seladang liar.Knowing jantan, bila dah disajikan dengan ikan bawal goreng bercili, takdelah nak menanya, berapakah umurnya anak ikan bawal ini? That 24 years old guy (budak hingusan ni) claimed that their sexual encounter is consensual and budak pompuan 10 tahun tu pi auta kat jantan biol ni that she is 16 years old (legal age for sex), tapi as usual, kat sini, budak sekolah cakap apa-apa pun, orang semua percaya (tapi ada jugak budak sekolah yang bercakap benar) Bebudak sekolah kat sini, even though masih kecik-kecik, tapi daring bukan main.You can hear cases about cikgu ada affair debgan budak sekolah, but dalam 10 cikgu yang gatal, maybe ada 8 budak sekolah yang gatal jugak. We can easily say, ye..cikgu dah tua, mesti pakai otak. Tapi, kalau dah digoda-goda hari-hari, macam mana cikgu tak naik syok kan? Budak-budak sekolah pulak, mana yang pergi sekolah pakai short skirtnya,mana yang suka catwalk depan pakcik-pakcik builder and those yang berperangai naturally puaka tu.Everytime when I walked passed them, melihatkan perangai yang macam syaitan hutan hujan khatulistiwa tu, I dok terpikir, patutlah ramai budak sekolah yang kena kidnap pastu bila jumpa, dah mati gitu.They're exhibiting what can be describe as 'asking for it'.But I immediately recall pulak yang bebudak yang kena kidnap tu selalunya set budak-budak baik yang bangsa tak melawan cikgu or makbapak.Haiyoo...reversal of fortune sangat kan? But anyway, such criminal shouldn't be happening at all, tak kisahlah budak jahat or tak jahat.After all, nama pun bebudak, akal tak panjang.Things that we thought awful is the coolest thing for them to do. In this case, I usually pity the men.Not only that they been fooled into, bad enough being cock-teased into 'merogol' budak-budak pompuan yang kecik tapi gatal ni.Tak pasal-pasal, kena pulak dapat title 'perogol'.Kat sini,yang kat Malaysia kena sebat tu okay lah lagi...sebab sakit sekali tu aje, but yang kena registered masuk sex offenders list tu, haruslah hidup tertekan kan? What should they do next? Dik, mai sini abang tengok Mykad dulu boleh?

Another hot news this week is about Tony Blair.We heard the bad and the good, and we say our view.But apart from the man himself and for anyone who hold the same post all over the world, being PM is not an easy job. I don't know any better and I'm sure, what was done was deemed appropriate.

Last but not least, The Spice Girl reunion.Okay you all, nak kutuk, kutuk lah I but yang mestinya, I akan berkobar-kobar menunggu concert Spice Girl.I do wonder, cemanalah sipompuan-pompuan ni akan meloncat-loncat.Baby Spice dah la tengah mengandung...Scary Spice pulak baru beranak...haruslah jatuh peranakan kalau bantai melompat-lompat gitu.Posh tak payah risaulah kan..because in all her stint in Spice Girl video, dia hanya popular dengan aksi tunjuk-tunjuk tangan aje kan? (macam Padayappa?? ke sapa nama jantan tambi tu) Sporty Spice pun dah gemuk (tua) and boleh ke dia sommersault bagai? Ada sesiapa nak join I?

Naughty Naughty

It cannot happen at any worse time kan? Here I am, all set planning to move over from Chelsea supporters populated area to a place close to Arsenal ground, only to be told that Thierry Henry is now playing for Barcelona.Harus kah I berpindah ke Camp Nou pulak? Haiyooo....for sure, we are going to miss him dancing his joy of scoring goal around Emirates.Pandai ronggeng mamat ni...

Anyhow, his departure happened in the worst timing in my personal calendar. There is no way that I can join the other Gunners in the mourn.Well, if you're offered £128,000 a week, wouldn't you go? Fuck loyalty, footballers are like supermodels. There will be expiry date.You just have to look after number one.

I can't say I'm not gutted, well, not as bad as orang ittew yang menonggeng menayangkan boxer short blue-blue nya tu.I do grieve.In the most appropriate way, of course.This is how I do it.

Since the last 2 weeks, I have been commuting from Finsbury Park to Twickenham. It is a long way to travel to work, but takdelah seteruk orang tu yang travel from Cambridge to Suffolk (or Norfolk?) yang kena naik bus yang kejam tu.It took me 5 minutes to walk from the flat to FP Underground.From there I can choose either Victoria or Picadilly Line that will take me either to Vauxhall (Victoria Line) and then adjourn to South West Train to Twickenham, or Picadilly Line to Hounslow East. It took nearly an hour, and dalam time tu, kenalah pandai nak meng amuse kan diri. I'm the sort of person who can't read on moving vehicle.Mampuslah kepala pening.Many people opt to read on the tube, some layan Ipod or MP3 and some, staring at the floor. The seating arrangement is quite scandalous.It is probably 60cm against each other, an appropriate measurement for personal space. Most time, if you have no other alternative, you may be forced to look straight at people face.Believe me, you wouldn't want to get caught looking at each others eyes.So embarassing you...

Well, tah hapa angin nya I hari ni, from the time I left FP station, on Victoria Line to Vauxhall, I encountered quite a few good stuff, interesting enough for me to share with you girls. So, guys, please skip this.

1st encounter at Highbury & Islington. This man found an empty seat opposite me. He wears a pin stripe suit, quite middle aged, sized L man. He was busy reading the METRO newspaper (so should I kan?) Well, I don't know any man who sit with both legs closing into each other. So this man, duduk mengangkang lah gamaknya.I'm not to sure to say that dia terkangkang. That has always been the way men sits, kan? And bila dah mengangkang tu, tersembul lah oblong ball nya. I can immediately tell what sort of undergarment that he is wearing. He is most certainly wearing a cotton type boxer short that is making things 'in there' hang loose. It was so obvious the mood he is in...early morning, motionless and tak bermaya gitu. Sungguhlah tell all nya. Weh abang, pakai lah brief ke, fitting boxer short ke, takdelah obvious sangat kat dalam trouser you tu. I keep switching my view from bottom to top (his face) yang boleh tahan jugaklah hensem nya. Apa laa..muka je lawa, tapi tak pandai pilih seluar dalam. Well, I got to see his oblong ball from Highbury & Islington all the way to Oxford Street.

2nd encounter, tak ingatlah kat station yang mana, but this time, full view lagi. Is must be after Oxford Street bila tube dah start menjelma jadi tin sardin. This young man was standing before me and of course lah,bila dia dah berdiri tu, his crotch and my eyes meet kan? He was wearing a loose jeans, so takdelah apa-apa yang obvious, but...around his crotch, looking carefully, the two bottom button fly is higher than the other three. Badan takdelah besar, but bukit boleh tahan lah tinggi nya.He was reading a book and at times, moving about with one hand holding the book and one hand holding the strap.At times, terangkat jugaklah T-shirt dia and nampaklah his navel area yang sungguh sexy tu...with bulu-buluan yang tak banyak mana tu....wah...I swear if I have fantastic 4 super power, I most certainly able to undress him with my eyes. Cehh...

3rd encounter, this happened on the way back.This Asian man wearing a Polo shit with smart trousers.Duduk terpinga-pinga lah depan I pegang plastic bagnya. I'm not sure whether I should 'Euhhhhhh' or 'Ooooohhhh' because the whole thing melambak aje. I wish I have other things to look at. But this freeview channel continue from Vauxhall to Warren Street.I think the worst of all is because he is wearing a light coloured trouser. Amma kadawale...

4th, ni happening gila you all. This man certainly is having an erection in his jeans.It is so obvious that the 'long' bit embossed out of his trouser. He got big hands...and size 12 feet. You know what people say about man with big feet kan? Not only big socks but also big ***k.

What is the matter with me? Am I a pervert? (Is this grieving?)

Obituaries

1. Mrs. Evelyn R Wilson (84 years, Worthing East Sussex)
After a week long illness, she sadly passed away in early morning of June the 13th, leaving behind all her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren.Her funeral will be on 2nd July, 2007. She will be sadly missed.

2. Nicholas G. Davis (33 years, Godalming, Surrey)
After a long battle with cancer, my dear friend Nicholas has succumbed to his illness and passed away at the weekend last week, before I get the chance to visit him. I was gutted hearing the news of his death, because in one of his last email to me, he reported positively and invited me to visit him. I was making plan and it was halted due to Mrs Wilson's death, but have it written in my mind that after Mrs Wilson's funeral, I will then visit Nicholas. After all, Frankie needed me. On the other hand, I wasn't feeling as bad as I had said my goodbye to him in my first email (at time I thought he was dead) and I said to myself, I must at least make it to his funeral. I later found out that his funeral will also be on the 2nd July and obviously, I will have to miss it.

That is that. The end of Nicholas Davis, my boss and a dear friend. There are now 3 young children left fatherless, with the eldest only being 5 years old. Personally, I never knew anyone with cancer. My late brother's leukemia was diagnosed at the very final stage of his life and thankfully, he didn't have to go through the difficult bit of the illness and died handsomely. Nicholas has beaten cancer once. The girlfriend stood by him during the fight. When he was given the all clear, he took her to New York and proposed. But his cancer came back in remission after few years. I knew he fought the illness, however aggresive it was. But he has always been very postive and strong. I can only imagine his pain but he cleverly conceal his ordeal in a very convincing email. I was saddened by his death, but no amount of sadness can overcome the grief of his own family. I'm glad I told him what I thought of him. Now when I come to think about it, maybe, we are not meant to see each other. We keep missing each other path and now, even when his life has ended, I am still unable to see him in different circumstances. If may share with you his last words to me via email, and to those who suffer or caring for anyone who suffer this deadly illness, that at no time we should give up on our life. Things may get difficult but until it ends, we just have to cherish and value what is left.

***********************************

From: "NICHOLAS DAVIS" mailto:XXXXXXX@btopenworld.com%3E
Subject: Re: helloDate: Mon, 4 Jun 2007 17:14:11 +0100 (BST)

Hello HanXXXX

Thank you very much for your kind e-mail message i was extremely touch by it.

sorry have have not been able to listen to you telephone message as i don't get good signal at home i have not be able to retire the message.

Hope that you are well and the TRP is treating you well

How are you , are you still living in the same place.

Since last last Aug i have been having treatment for my cancer, and because it became aggressive and started to spreed i was admitted into Hospital for Aug and the whole of Oct. The treatment was OK, and the side effects were not too bad.

I finish my treatment in early Jan of this year, and kept on working in between treatments. However two weeks after the treatment had finish my right side of my face and body and legs started to go numb and tingly. Unfortunately the cancer had advance even further, and spreed into my central nervous system and brain. I was admitted back into hospital at the beginning of Feb and was told that i only has a matter of weeks/months to live.However i and my wife refused to give up the fight. So rather that going onto palliative care, even tho we knew that carrying on with treatment, the risk of side effects, was a great risk, i carried on with very high intensive treatment. So i was in hospital from the beginning of Feb to mid April. The good news is i am now back at home, but due to the bad side effects of treatment i have currently lost the use of my legs and am in a wheel chair. However my legs are getting a little stronger each day, and rather than weeks, but months i should be able to walk again, but not sure at this stage how much full use of my legs i Will get back. Further treatment has been put on hold at the moment as the are no new signs of any cancer cells. If i carried on more treatment this would cause complete lost of my legs. Hopefully over the next weeks/months while i recover from all the heavy treatment and side effects, that the cancer will not progress any further, then i will be able to have stem cell treatment and more chemo with lower risks. However if the cancer does progress over the next few weeks/months, then Claire and i have already made the choice to carry on with treatment knowing that this would leave me with out the use of my legs, but at least i would still be living. Too much to live for and nothing to die for. I'm very determine and will fight all the way. However i have made the decision that if any further treatment would cause permanent brain damage that would not leave me as the same person, that i would choose to go onto palliative care. But hopefully i won't ever have to make that decision.

In the last three weeks my health did take a turn for the worst, but feeling better this week and i will kept on fighting despite the odds.

However enough about me, let me know how you are and how everything is going. I would be interested know, and by all means your welcome to come and visit me at my home anytime.

If you see the two John's please say hello to them for me, and send my regards to them for me.

Take care, hear from you soon

Nicholas

*******************************************

3. Thierry Henry (Arsenal Captain)
After weeks of speculation, this va va voom man decided to leave Arsenal for Barcelona. Ciss, jahanam betul. Thierry said 'It's now or never for me - sadly it has to be 'Now'. Obviously, his exit will be a big big loss to Arsenal, and for me. Ni lah susahnya, kalau motivation tengok bola is truly nak tengok jantan sebenarnya.Nobody will ever think that he will be leaving, as he has always vow not to leave Arsenal. But, as a player, Thierry is very loyal to Arsene Wenger and as Arsene Wenger pun sendiri tak tau whether or not he will be staying, Thierry has to decide for himself. Sad,sad, sad.

An Ex Lover You Must Forget

Pic has nothing to do with this ramblings, is just I captured this from the top deck of the double decker bus.

- The one that always choose the football game over you. In 2002, I traveled to Manchester where this man resides. It’s quite a trip for me, considering that I lived in North Yorkshire, but at that time where ‘Cinta Itu Berkuasa’, I can even travel to Romania, if that is what it takes. I called him from Manchester Piccadilly and in the end, menonggoklah aku berjam-jam kat MP station tu, sebabnya, si kekasih hatiku ini dok bergasak menengok bola. Boleh dia lupa kat I si anak haram tu. I sometime so ashamed of myself, being a smart woman, how could I reduce to that level of kebodohan melampau?

- The one that forgot your birthday. In those 10 years of courting, I remember clearly what I got from him as a birthday present. Cadbury Whole Nut Chocolate, oversize fleece from M&S and ‘Contradiction’ from Calvin Klein. So, in total, that is 7 years of no birthday present from someone who once claimed ‘I love you to death’. And, by being a man, with a girlfriend who hardly complaints, would you later slap me with a break up? Maybe you wouldn't but my boyfriend did.

- The one who proposed to you but marry another woman. A year after proposing, he somehow forget that you exist and gatal konek nak berbini. Well, you have passed it off as takde jodoh. Now is the time to move on. But, few months later, your ex boyfriend dengan muka tak malunya make contact with you, whinged about marrying the wrong one and sings ‘I want you back’ to you. But in the end, you discovered that he has been tailing you all along.

- The one who, years later, now already divorced, started warming his way into you. He made the point of reminding you of the entire lovely thing that you both done together and how good it was. He somehow forgotten all the heartache that he subjected you to.

So, to my ex boyfriend, sudah-sudahlah tu hantar email, nak tanya khabar konon. Not only that now is the bad time, but tak terfikirkah oleh you yang after bertahun-tahun ni, maybe I dah jumpa orang lain ke or dah memang tertutup hati nak bercinta-cintun ni.You had your chance, and sadly, you blew it. Here, I wish to publish some of the line of which, menunjukkan bahawa siamang tetap siamang, they will never lose their bulu.

'Btw, your birthday is in July right?' ....So, 10 tahun kawan, bercinta dengan I, tak kah dia ingat birthday I? As I like to quote Capt.Lukman word, this is what I may announce the Statement Babi Of The Year.

So Kiah, sudah-sudah lah nak memadu asmara lagi dengan kekasih lama tu. Takde hasil.

The Beauty Of Envy

The 'eat-like-there-is-no tomorrow' gang

Though most of us wouldn’t like to admit it, envy between friends is an archetypal emotion. It is not a female or male domain, but this particular deadly sin is intimately connected to notion of competition and unease between friends. Especially woman. Envy underlines many of our relationships with other women, and yet we find it difficult to understand or diagnose.

When I start doing what I do now 5 years ago, my supervisor at that time was a psychology graduate from a local uni. How I landed in this job was a pure luck at first, where I have no idea what job I was applying, and I told my interviewer that time that what made me answer the ad is because it is just interesting. Nampak sangat yang aku ni sucker for advertisement kan? Apa orang tulis percaya aje. It was a Zimbabwean guy who interviewed me (and he later asked me out, wonder why lah kan, I got the job) with this Scottish woman. I have worked so hard to be where I am right now, and without any degree and training in psychology, I can now sit in a board meeting with bunch of shrink.

Back to this line Manager of mine, she actually is younger than me, but we East Asian, always blessed with younger look kan? She often treated me like a stupid teenager but often wonder why I am not like the rest of the youngsters, whereas I am so laidback and speaks with a bit of insight. (Ceh...puji diri sendiri ni) Well, what is there to explain? When you have a bit of maturity in you, of course, bila bercakap tu, tak guna perasaan but more likely, to think before you open your gob and what is obvious is that the way we react to things are probably slightly better than the young ones. I must say that this supervisor of mine is very good at what she does but although armed with the right qualification, the only thing that she is lacking is a life experience, where else I, being 4 years older with far wider experience in dealing with people, will depend on what I have seen or experience in my past life in many of my decision-making. She was simultaneously fascinated and repulsed by me, drawn to me, yet hostile. My competitive nature is bothering her as being immature that she is, the feeling is so obvious. On the other hand, what she don’t realised that I often feeling ‘little’ by her knowledge and although I was doing what I was paid to do, I continue to learn more about the business, not because that I want her job, but merely because I am not qualified. And the only way to conceal my insecurity to learn more and more. I often feel dampened when I saw how well she was doing (although most work was done by me)

For me, this unfamiliar emotion was permeated by shame. When I saw her beaming with pride after every review meeting she attended, I recognised my reaction as the age-old emotion of envy. But, was I envious of her? Look at what is shown on TV or magazines nowadays. The perfect standards of femininity we can’t possibly achieve; and advertisers exploit our envy of the other women’s lives to sell everything. We are so fascinated by them and at the same time, feel so envious of their show offy perfection if lives.

My psychology graduate Line Manager has now gone to pursue another similar brighter posture in America and while me, with still no intention to get a psychology degree, is now doing her job. When she left the company 2 years ago, both of us when for a drink. Although we don’t really have a good working relationship, I always have respect for her as my supervisor. That was the first time I spend time with her outside work and get to know the real her. With an aid of a few litres of alcohol, she opens up to me. She said, from the day one I was recruited, she knows that I will be the one that she should watch out and knowing that we have different attitudes and attributes in work, she says that I have made her feel that I am the person she will never be and she hated it. The wonders of alcohol eh? People say the effect of alcohol made one harbouring their real feelings.

Like her, I feel like that too (only I didn’t tell her this) The past experience of always being the second choice contributes to the already insecure feeling. I’m not sure what I feel of her but for sure, the feeling is such a discomfort one. After a year of working under her supervision, I got promoted and work alongside her but not having any qualification of the same always making me feel incompetent. I was able to recognised my own envy that time and feeling the painful realisation of the issue.All the time that we were working together, I was so envious of her but the feeling was generated by by own insecurity.

While many of us want to believe that ‘be yourself, don’t ever change who you are’, there is a possibility that we may want to be like someone else who we thought perfect. Comparing their lives with us and later, inundated by unwanted distressed. However hard we try to define it, the object of our envy remains elusive and can be confused with jealousy (although I strongly believe that jealousy is more concrete and involves possessiveness and covetousness of someone else’s things)

We can also envy on something that we don’t even want. Especially towards people that have done so much in life and how you wish you done the same, but tend to forget the reality that we may have no interest at all of things that they’re doing.

I spent a day long with bunch of people I hardly knew yesterday. Well, I was supposed to be a driver to this friend of mine that is visiting from KL and I got to meet his friends and friends of the friends. I often got introduced as a person with high flying job and what is assumed as ‘successful living’. I can see few jaw dropping and I can really see that the envy is coming. The last thing I want is to draw attention to myself. Well, is true that I’m working and holding a better post and there’s plenty other people too. I wish people can just see this as a path that I choose, not base on my location and how I live. I guess, by right I should really be envy of you, who still have the fortune to go and makan nasik lemak at 2am, live within driving distance from your parents and can go shopping until 10 pm at night.

Til then, you take care.

I Need Your Ears

I took 2 days of compassionate leave last week, and to my colleagues, they said it feels like ages, as they got scared taking messages for me and not knowing how to do it on my behalf. Padan muka!! So, siapakah sebenarnya yang makan gaji buta sekarang, aku atau mereka-mereka ni?

I have been neither here nor there, and certainly not being in my house at all since last Wednesday. Leisure time with the internet tersangatlah limitednya. I minimised my session to only 80 minutes a day and only seeing 2 people the most, unless kalau dah kes nak mati sesangat.But the world have been kind or shall I say, the moon has been shining in full and therefore, kuranglah sikit case yang pelik-pelik.My only pleasure now is to read my usual suspect's blog page and learning on what are they getting up to. So interesting, kan?

Frankie's mother passed away last Wednesday. She was 84. I saw her last the Saturday before and promised to visit again the coming Friday. I remembered that she whispered to me 'I hope I'll make it to Friday'...and I pulak, dengan positive nya teruslah menjawab, 'Of course you will'. Habis, nak cakap apa lah pulak lagi kan? To be honest, I have never seen her so frail, all this years knowing her. Tapi masa last I jumpa dia, orang tua ni, nak bernafas pun susah. But according to F, dia pernah sakit lagi teruk dari ni, and akhirnya sembuh jugak. So, I ni, bila dah dengar track record dia yang cepat sihat tu, takdelah pikir yang dia ni akan padam anytime soon. But she did.

I would like to thank those who kind enough to text me lovely messages. All I can think now is to make this easier for F, yang macam dah tak betul aje sejak mak dia mati ni (mulut ku ni...ishhh) The first 2 days tu, dia takdelah nampak sedih sangat, malah boleh gelak-gelak, minum-minum lagi...but after that, boleh terbangun malam-malam buta sambil nangis-nangis 'I want my mummy'. I am really finding this difficult. Although my job involves giving people 'therapeutic talking to', I think, I'm not doing a good job with F at all. I tried. Ada jugak kenkadang terlepas marah...and I really have to pull myself together, and kenangkan yang mak dia baru mati. Tapi, mak dia dah mati...selain dari bagi so many comforts words, apa lagi yang I boleh buat?

I already made arrangement not to see any out patient and concentrate only on the in house resident. So, it gives me plenty time to be with F. I travelled too. Badan penat jangan cakap laah...but I am doing this for F. Last night, I curi-curi pakai laptop dalam bilik, terus dia kecik ati...so, sebelum dia pulak yang mati, I pun switch off lah my benda alah tu. I keep telling myself that I really need to offload stuff in my head. Nanti I pulak yang stress...but again, I keep reminding myself, this is not about me.

The next thing in our agenda is nak uruskan funeral mak dia. Nasib baik tugas I dalam hal ni ialah memberi moral support aje.Matilah kalau I kena buat lebih-lebih.I honestly think that lagi cepat funeral tu diadakan, lagi cepatlah si F ni realised yang mak dia dah mati.Denial sungguh!!! Tup-tup, dapat tahu from adik dia pagi tadi yang rumah bakar mayat tu tengah buat renovation pulak, so, yang simati yang tengah tunggu untuk dibakar ni (kurang ajar tak I?) kenalah ambik giliran...yang mak si F pulak dapat giliran on first week on July. I puas pujuk dia malam tadi, pergilah tengok mak you kat chapel of rest tu (that is what they call the mortuary like in the undertakers premises) dalam hati I, maybe, after dia tengok body mak dia tu, maka, termasuklah dalam batu jemala dia tu yang memang confirm mak dia dah mati...but, dia tak mau lah pulak. Alasannya, before mak dia mati, dia dah janji nak jumpa mak dia, tup-tup, mak dia mati dulu.So, dalam kepala dia, mak dia patut tunggu dia, and dia memang bengang, kiranya mak dia dah memungkiri janji lah ni. Ayo lamak!!!!

But you all please don't think that I am taking a piss. I memang simpati and in fact, I am saddened by the death. Mak dia sungguh baik, anak dia pun tak baik macam tu sekali. Bila mak dia mati, dalam kepala I pikir, both me and F survived this long pun atas jasa baik mak dia yang most time kitorang gaduh, akan jadi peacemaker. Lepas ni, kalau kami gaduh lagi, siapa pulak nak tolong? Goddess Suendelz ke?

Dalam sibuks-sibuks ni, ada pulak orang KL datang pastu, mintak dilayan. Maka besok, terpaksalah I keluar mengular, ularrr, ularrrr!!! Hambik kau LeQ!! (during working hours) demi nak membawak mamat yang sorang ni gi tengok Stonehenge.Nak kata tak boleh, takde pulak alasan munaserawak nak dikasi...(ye lah, tak kan nak cakap mak mentua mati kan? abis orang tanya..ish..bila kau kahwin nyehhh?)

But that is the least of my worries now. Nasib baik hantu tu balik hari Khamis ni..kalau buat nya duduk berminggu, entah-entah, dia yang nanti akan aku hantar gi bakar kat Crematorium nun. But M sungguh suka lah, dah dapat 2 carton Sampoerna, mana aje orang ni nak pergi, semua nak diturutkan. Cisss.

I am doing all I can to be a good partner in time like this. It really brings us together tapi, tak taulah kalau I boleh tahan bila dia start berpatah-patah hati ni. Teruk kan I?

p/s ada orang tu akhirnya, mengaku jugak dia dah umur 35 tahun..kalau tak asik lah nak tunggu December. To my kawan-kawan, I want you to know that I have been reading your blog too, tapi tak sempat nak comment...sebab, tak boleh nak mengulit lama-lama kat PC. But, whatever it is, I'm sure your life is as wonderful as jutawan kayu balak.Keep up the good work.

Bapak Ku, Bapak Ku Jua....

With my emotion all over the place...I may inadvertently ter suggest that my father is a puaka type. No. He is not and I don't like to think so...there may be certain attributes yang menyakitkan hati but the right person to offer any kind of opinion is my mother, the woman he married, dumped and later reconciled.

Here's the truth. Although he loves us the same (as he always said) my other siblings, my mother, my relatives and myself (for this matter) can see that he, maybe a little bit lenient with me. He calls me 'sayang' sampai dah besar-besar ni...and malu pulak bila di address demikian rupa. Well, why wouldn't he? When I was little, I was this quiet, docile and undemanding person. I have always settled with second hand stuff (of course, my abang always get a new things and he always does) I never talked back...and I, (kembang-kembang) according to my father, pandai mengaji. Well, I khatam Quran when I was only 9 (I know someone else even younger) but during that time, my competition is always my eldest brother yang sangat pemalas and kaki auta and often at my father's nerves. And I guessed that my parents are also in some kind of competition among themselves where, this child ikut I, that one ikut you...so, my abang is always 'macam you' and I (yours truly) is like me. Kira-kiranya, my father ni telah menghasilkan seorang anak yang baik lah ni....

My saham elevated higher when we (me and my opponent that time, my abang lah) were in our teen. My father have some kind of standard (although my mother have always wonder kenapa dia macam ni...padahal, parents my father takdelah kaya-kaya) Now when I think about it, my father must be is some sort of pressure to be this middle class champion. Coming from MCKK, he must have rubbed shoulders with the high and mighty and of course, marrying my mother who is a daughter of a well-heeled businessman. So, when we are little...although my father insists on not lavishing us with apa-apa gadget terbaru di pasaran, he spent money on buying encyclopedias and sending both me and my brother to that summer school in Lumut, kononnnya nak membina semangat. My father always said to my mother 'I want the children to be stronger so that no one will ever take a piss out of them'. (I'm sure my father don't use such word...tapi...mestilah nak tambah perisa kan, aku ni) Whilst, I happily follow what he wants, my brother retaliates badly. And during this time, my mother is always at fault for 'making' my brother that way. My father has a violent temper...and for my mother to have endured that long...maka, my mother akan masuk syurga without bayar toll. If I may put it frankly....

About my brother, it wasn't my life story to tell but nevertheless, after many years of spat, (plus tak nak bagi my mother susah hati) he reconciled with my father. The only thing that I am proud of my siblings is that, although kadang-kadang ada perang-perang dingin...one thing that all of us can't bear is to make our mother sad. She had enough of that...I know everyone is trying their best. When I was home before, I criticised my sister to only pandai to post anak dia kat my mother and making her looking after babies. That stresses my mother big time, although I dengan my sister takdelah gaduh-gaduh...until my mother said calmly to me, 'Do you really think she is happy parting with her child? Don't upset your sister, as it is, she is already sad not being able to care for her own child'. I never said anything after that, in fact, I have taken up a role of a diapers supplier that month.

As a child, I thought I was happy. In fact, I think I am. If my father hadn't disciplined us the way he did, I may be now, entah jadi apa-apa. When I was accepted into university and was reading law, he was beaming. He had always wanted that. I never knew what I want. During my years in the UK (between the times my parents separated) I have time to re evaluate and think for myself. I become so unhappy and I know, I can only blame him for that. I ceased talking to him and knowing that it wasn't fair on him. We never fall out; it's just that I need a scapegoat for my anger. All this while, I had blamed my mother for not standing up and rescue me. At that time, you can only think the obvious. You wanted help and she can't do much but only to ask me not to upset my father.

I started retaliating....in silence. I began to do what my heart desires. My father loves me too much to oppose however, made it clear that he is not in agreement. But at that time, I really don't give a monkey. My counsellor tak bertauliah that time is my brother. Armed with his long standing ketakpuasan hati dengan our father, he encouraged me further. People said, how lucky are you ber abang yang sporting gitu. He once said, 'If I was you, doesn't matter...jadilah anak derhaka sekejap'. Punyalah puaka nasihat itu.

My retaliation comes as a shock to my parents, and of course, bila ada yang tak kena dalam rumah, yang menjadi puncanya ialah my mother. I just drifted away with my silent anger. I need to make peace with myself before I can confront my father.

To this end, I haven't confronted him but I have made my peace with myself. The job that I do now requires constant personal psychotherapy and from there I disposed my anger towards him. I think this is for the best, he will never know what I thought of him nor that he need to finds out that over these years how militantly upset I was with him. I have to disagree with many therapist or counselors that often suggesting their patient to confront their anger. Sometime, some anger are best to be forgiven, after all, I don't think I can't cope with guilt if I ever confront him. Can you imagine this little mite that you nurtured with all the love you can give and turned out hating the hell out of your guts?

I like to think that I turned out alright, and although, he may think that he knows best, I am quite happy with what I do now. I can't say I'm all happy with my life, but at least things are bearable and the good lesson that he had taught is that to never depend on people. But again, we need each other, didn't we?

My anger with him has settled (or may have) and there is no intention to start making or getting a point across, especially for him who never had known what has he done wrong. As it is, I am full of guilt over the years of ignoring him and for becoming distance from him. But for sure, I will love him, because he is my father.

Telepathic Message

Abah, it is Father’s Day celebration tomorrow in England. I was at Sainsbury’s today and was combing through a stash of condolences card when I saw this big Father’s Day poster. How can it slipped my mind? I was supposed to send it 5 days ago at least. It is way too late to have them delivered at your doorstep in KL.

Somebody that I care about died recently. I must say that every time I see or hear about death, my mind wander and thought of you, not that I want you to or wish anything bad, but commiseration always giving me high anxiety. I don’t know how it feels like to lose a parent. Someone said that losing a mother is tougher than losing a father. I can’t quite make anything from it. Different people fill in different gap.

Every time I read and heard about other father who treat their children like scum, I am always thankful that you are not the same, although I must confess that there was a time where I and the rest (I’m sure they will not mengaku) was flared up with hatred. The time when you lost your temper, the time when things are not quite good and the time, when I disobey you. (maybe twice?)

You are going to be 70 this year, a very vulnerable age for a Malay man with all sets of disease in tow to continue looking ahead. It breaks my heart when I saw you last, because you are always this strong man with power to have everything done. (although, you still manage to have things done by ordering others around, heh?) You keep teasing me about how one of this day that you may clock out and your body can’t wait 13 hours longer for me to travel home. I was so annoyed that I left you nattering on your own about it. How dare you? Would you like it if I say the same? That I can die anytime, now that London is full of Muslim fanatics that lie in wait anywhere to blow up busses and tubes? In the end, I just got fed up and tell you that you might not die at all now that you are wishing it, and for all we know, in a twist of fortune, I might be the one who maybe kojol dek sakit jantung. What can you say?

Okay, I forgot to buy you a card and I am not likely to ring you up to start whinging like a little manja-manja girl wishing you Happy Father’s Day. If you remember, I was brought up in such a way that I keep my emotion inside, although you both have wanted to know what it is in my head and heart. Well, tough. This is the deal with having children. Be prepared to have the weird one. The one that doesn’t talk or turn out to be like other people’s children. But rest assured, this one is fine however different. How I wish after all this time of therapy that I had may change me into mushy heart and become like the others. I never will be. It is way too late. How can I put it cleverly, I am now a buluh and hardened badly overtime.

But, underneath this entire tough exterior, if only you know how much I wish that you are nearer and how much I miss you. There’s telephone line. I paid BT monthly but hardly used it. I know the number. But why I didn’t call? You are very clever, you must know why.

For all the good, the bad and the ugly, I can never wish for anyone as a father.
Happy Father’s Day.

(P/s I will send you a card)

Manusia Yang Berjenis-Jenis

Person Specification Number 1:-
This GP couple went holidaying in Algarve last month (or so) with their 3 young children and unfortunately, one of them went missing. What was reported is that both parents went out for a meal, left their kid’s unaccompanied (ni case confident gila-gila) and only to discover that their eldest daughter isn't where they left her. I can't even bear to think about budak-budak kecik yang hilang ni.Orang tua kalau went missing lain lah kan...not that we care less, but little people vulnerability is even more complicated, and after a while without familiar faces, haruslah menangis asking for mummy and daddy kan? Kesian sungguh! What strikes me hard is that both parents are well educated, enough not to trust little children to be left alone. But that happened, and now, nak blame both parents pun dah tak guna.Mana tension anak ghaib dekat nak masuk sebulan and to live with their guilty conscience lagi.Haruslah cikeding tak makan gamaknya....but, the two are strong enough to brave a Europe tour, extending their search mileage. Quite recently the two have been criticised. Many people wonder what the hell are they doing gallivanting around Europe in a private jet, in an act of what can be perceived as missing child search road show. I don’t have an opinion for this couple and if my child is missing, I don’t think I can face the world. (Pasal tu takde anak..agaknya..kalau ada, anak tu pun I boleh lupa letak kat mana) But maybe, this couple are the sort of person that is badly affected by their grief and that has caused them a total detachment from their feeling of loss. I have worked with this kind of person. They are so numb by grief and they can’t even recognise their loss.

Person Specification Number 2 :-
Two weeks ago, this newspaper that I regularly read is discussing Prince Azeem. He is the son of Sultan Brunei. He is very popular here (among the mega superstar) in his right. He is also the tabloids laughing stock. I can’t help to think that he maybe has some kind of undiagnosed special needs or he is just faintly weird. Anak teruna (yeah right!!!) Sultan Brunei ni…debab, ketot, rambut bercacak dan sungguhlah tak attractive. But, if you ask me, I wouldn’t mind that…just because my love can be bought with Bruneian Dollar (mata duitan aku ni) and although one find day, if he exceeded his marriage quota like his uncle, Pengiran Sufri, I can happily accept a divorce proposal and be compensated with millions. Money has never been an object for them Pengirans kan? 2 days ago, there was this documentary about him in Sky Channel, discussing his penchant of having celebrity friends and his way of paying for their friendship. I am so appeal to ask him personally, if money is really no object, is it really necessary to pay to have well known friends? He paid Michael Jackson 5 millions just to show his white face at his birthday bash…(bayar juta-juta, si MJ boleh balik cepat sebab sakit perut lak tu..) He bought Jerry Hall (janda Mick Jagger), Mariah Carey, and Usher ..to name a few, a gold pendant for friendship token. He went on and organized some tak perlu bash just to rub shoulders dengan mega superstar ni…Wah!!! I wonder if his status as a son of richest king is not popular enough to make him well known that he had to pay extra for publicity. Nak saja I recommend dia masuk Pop Idol ke, The X factor ke, bagi glamour kan? Maybe, he is dealing with his own grief (if not, memang ada learning difficulties) is not easy being the royal spare …and his mother is no longer the Pengiran Isteri. I wonder if after all that glitzy nights and parties, is he any happier?

Person Specification Number 3 :-
Pompuan ni, sungguh lah membuang masa semua orang dalam dunia ni. I can't remember knowing her on what accord. Who is she apart from Hilton heiress? Well, there was a raunchy home video but apart from that, why do we even know this girl? Kisahnya…pergi party…mabuk.Dalam kaya raya camtu, takdelah pulak nak pakai drebar…or naik cab. Dah mabuk, nak jugak bawak kereta.Hah..hambik kau.Kena saman. People like this often think that they are untouchable. Well, silap besar. People are just waiting in the first flash to have you on. She got done for driving while on suspension. Dah kena jail. She tried very, very hard to exempt jail…and in the end, tah hapa mimpi, arrived early for her sentenced. Kita ni, ingat dah nak mengaku kesalahan lah gamaknya kan? After 2 days, boleh pulak buat alasan, takleh dok dalam jail pasal claustrophobic? On top of that, tiba-tiba pulak dia ada STD, and being concern of others get infected. Pastu, nangis-nangis nak bunuh diri? Has she not had any sense of vanity at all? Or, is she just happy being the centre of attention? Maybe. There’s nothing distinguish about her at all, and this is what she really needs. The exposure to stand out from others. Tak kuasa kan? Hambik kau Paris Hilton, merasa kena hantar masuk jail balik.

Lastly, let's discuss the lalat. Some of us was made uncomfortable by the kedatangan lalat dalam blog. I even read about a blog written by someone, dedicating his hatred for one particular gay man. To allocate his time to write such a despicable post shows how this gay man is affecting his life.I like to think that those who writes blogs, stand by what been expressed, however sensitive.How we feel about things...and taking consideration of how others may feel.But if we don't, don't let anything gets in the way.If we brave enough to expose how we feel, and quite rightly, have to start taking things (as in what people may say) as a pinch of salt.And the readers too, sometime, nothing is personal unless, it was meant for you directly.We've seen people who asked others to have an open mind only to critisise the person who did have an open mind about things.We don't have to agree with offered opinion, but it is good to know that there is a different view about everything. I read this Indonesian man who wrote his feelings about Lina Joy. While the muslim feels so passionately about Lina Joy's issue, we have to allow others to give their view without ounce of persecutory feeling.If we can have the opinion about the Jewish in Israel, why can't they? Of course, we don't want to be known as nation yang boleh mengata tapi tak boleh dikata. Oleh itu, marilah kita kata-mengata. Let the lalat be. The fact that they read your blog is an accomplishment, walaupun pastu, they will make such comment as your blog boring lah..banyak dosa lah..hapa lah..., kan? Like the parliament, opposition's view can sometime be useful. Lainlah macam Kiah yang ada data protection issue tu...kan Kiah kan?

Berita Bergambar

The Mixture Of Malay,Chinese & Indian Dance

The Boria Man (Cheeeewah!!!!!!)

The Greatest Ramli Ibrahim

The Aborigines Dance

Eh..Kiah, Tahukah You Siapa This People? (Hint..Hint..Adik Ipar & Nieces Tak Jadi)

At This Point, Aku Terasa Cam Nak Lompat Atas That Pentas Nak Berjoget Semazau Aje....Boleh Aizee?

Hey you all, as promised, ni lah dia gambar-gambar yang sempat dipaparazzi oleh I last Saturday.It was fun (if only if I wasn't working and MB tak demam) that day. We thought that we are going to sample the Malaysian Cuisine, tapi tah macam mana tekak orang yang demam tu tak berkenan kat orang yang menjual tu.In the end, we all makan Sushi aje.Sungguh lah tak Malaysian nya.But we did borong ber packet-packet mee segera.

Sadly, Makji Esah hanya sempat ber touch and go aje dengan Hjh Haleemah (yang juga hilang masa show dikir barat...sebab mereka-mereka tu berdikir barat kat Old Compton Street gamaknya) Tapi tak ape, lain kali kita jumpa lagi ye, Jah Leemah oiii...

Masa I dok melepak dengan kawan-kawan tu, I was introduced to this lady (also an acquintance to this friend of mine) Masa dalam bising-bising tu, idak le teman mendengar nama nya.Tapi bila dah duduk ber borak-borak, and when she was reintroduced again to another fella, barulah Makji yang pekak ni ter register nama si perempuan kecik molek ni...hah!!! Mana tangan pegang Diet Coke, mana tangan nak buat that clasping gesture letak atas dahi kan? Malu I....cemana pulak aku boleh tak perasan yang dia ni adik ipar tak jadi I ni Kiah oiiii....but on the other hand, kembang bontot aku Kiah..tak dapat beramahs mesra dengan abang, dengan adik nya jadik lah kan?

Below are few dialogues, that I extremely thought funny bila nak memecah ais dengan model-model Malaysia yang datang buat fashion show ni...

Take 1 - I was introduced to this lengky girl by the emcee
The Introducer : This is my friend, dia orang Malaysia tapi dah lama duduk sini
Me : Hai
Model : (Dengan pandang tak pandang I) Haiiiiiii......(panjang pulak hai dia)
(After1 minute of silence, yang I ni tak nak lah dikata Melayu Oversea yang sombong, teruslah menyusun ayat yang friendly lah kira-kira nya)

Me : You datang sekali dengan Abang D*le ke? (I think I should have put it, are you here with the Malaysian group)
Model : Ohhh...I am the model, I'm here for the fashion show.....
Me : Oh I see...(dengan tersipu sipu nak muntah nya...since dia dah skipping London, I pun tak nak lah memalukan dia kan) Well, that is great, so you were assigned by your modelling agency then?
Model : Apa dia? (I repeat in Malay) Ohh...I'm with the Tourism Malaysia
(Cehhh....cakap tadi macam set-set Lina Teoh aje....ptuihhhh)

Take 2 - My friend yang emcee ni kenkadang rajin juga buat part time jadik agent agency perkahwinan and so, he introduced to me this middle aged Malay Man
The Introducer - Same introduction script as above of me and introduced this man as a budding businessman.
Me : Apa khabar?
The Businessman : What do you do here? Are you a student (mak oii..pakcik cakap omputih)
Me : I was....long time ago.
The Businessman : (Boasting) I have so many UK graduated student working with me...I run a business you see...
Me :Very good
The Businessman : But donno why lah Malay student nowadays, like to stay here and become kuli, and work in the food stall
Me: I can't really agree with that...some of them just do it because of the money and they study at the same time
The Businessman: Wasting time laaah!!!! See, people like me don't waste time.I make millions...(gelak-gelak Mahmud June) So...what do you do here? Good money?
Me: Enough...
The Businessman: How much do you earn then? (aiyoooo....rimas nya masa ni)
Me: Same pay as my ex GM in Malaysia....
The Businessman : Looking bemused...Err...business payahlah kat Msia sekarang...senang tak cari kerja kat sini?
(Eh pakcik, apa jadi dengan business juta-juta tu?)

When The Mess Is Swelling...

I moaned on my previous post how the wireless router is playing up, (not really playing up on its own but with help from human intervention) I fixed it.It works for a bit.Then I went away from home again.My work has tripled overnight and mother in law is not well (but, I don't know how is that affecting me as takde pulak aku kena kerah menjaga dia ke hapa) I have friends visiting from Malaysia yang kalau tak dijumpa, akan dikutuk and now, I have met so many friends that I don't even know they exist yang akan datang ni, mesti diajak datang rumah. Tak ajak kang kata sombong.I was so wrong that I thought I can resume my kera sumbang ness here.I managed for 6 years. The first 2 years, I kawan all the malays with hope that if anything happens, there's always a friendly face.But in the end, I would rather kawan you all yang jauh di Malaysia nun. (Untuk pengetahuan, ni tak termasuk orang Dublin & Cambridge ye..Makji sayang you all)

I have taken few things for granted lately, like making that phone call to our ISP to come and repair that haram jadah things, but because of we keep getting this free wireless signal from orang sebelah menyebelah, calling our legitimate ISP is not something that need to be done in a hurry (for me lah..dah orang lain pandai pakai, tatau repair kan?)

Having meeting friends made me rethink my decision about moving out (yang betul nya having spending more time with F...) Although I am not 100% percent malay, I do feel the need to ajak kengkawan datang lepak kat rumah or sedara mara (as in my adik beradik) datang tidur semalam dua. I told F about a possibility of my kawan will datang lepak rumah kita (if we do live together) and the feedback yang aku dapat, macam celaka!!! Ada ke disuruhnya aku jumpa kawan tu kat luar rumah? This is the thing....I don't have many friends and if I do invite them around, that must mean something.And I don't invite many people.

This morning, as usual, I melompat atas MB, bermain himpit-himpit, asking her to get off the bed so that we can chat in the lounge. I told her about my worries. I live alone (if I'm not alone pun) and it is so important that I have securities within me...dulu bolehlah...kecik hati dengan Paroi Jaya, lari rumah Taman Tun.I need to have a place that I know no one can kacau. People say that we have to think positive...jangan pikir yang buruk-buruk.But if you see the buruk-buruk from the beginning, wouldn't it good to be prepared?

Last few weeks, I think I was so prepared to leave.I am in two minds now. I worked anti social hours and as much as I want to compromise with my partner, I have to say that work got to come first. I am being practical.I have been repressed long enough to allow same attitude being thrown at me again.I just remembered that living with people (or under their control) is something that I haven't done for a very,very long time.

And now, I can only access internet from work.How sick is that? I have now bring a pile of bills that need to be paid via online banking using office internet.People at home moaned as if aku lah ISP dalam rumah tu.Bila internet nak baik ni ye? Bla bla bla...

I will need to talk to you again.Maybe, as usual, I am just being over dramatic.

P/s Congrats to Nadine Kimie, from both me and MB, kerana baru aje berbapak tirikan PM. Hehehehe....

Malaysia Week In London (The Launching Night)

I was at Chancery Lane Renaissance Hotel last night, pasal the Tourism Malaysia is launching the 'Malaysia Week'.I felt so out of place, pasalnya...ramai betul pompuan-pompuan yang datang berbaju kurung. I got this text from my friend yang jadi emcee malam tu 'hoi..pakai lawa-lawa, ada DPM'. So, for someone who only wears formal bila ada meeting dengan boss or any other professional (yang selalunya tak professional langsung) the responsibility of dressing up is a bit much for me. But demi nak jaga hati kawan and also nak nampak glamour, I pun ber dressed up malam tadi. But dressing up, or shall I say, the pain of having to dress responsibly, is not as easy as you people may think.

For someone with low self-esteem cam I ni, the world will always choose to go against you bila you try to nak nampak lawa sikit.It is probably got to do with the anxiety, while trying so hard to live up to people expectation (and ours too), we can easily be the victim of our own judgment.

For a start, bila blow rambut...the hair didn't turn out to be the way you want it. Sampai nak terbalik lah lengan dok blow sana-sini.Is 'blow' job ever this difficult? Or is it meant to be the work for the expert? So, case satu, rambut tak jadi. Then, sambung lagi pakai hair straightener...nak nampak cam rambut Elle McPherson lah konon. Tak jugak jadi-jadi.And you wish that if only you were a man..and botak kan rambut pun orang tak kisah or masa nilah (dengan nawaitu yang tak betul) rasa nak pakai tudung. But I remembered this girl from school yang selalu ponteng sekolah sebab tudung 'tak jadi'. Siapakah orang itu ye?

Secondly, you can't decide on what to wear. As a colour coordination freak, benda I pakai yang orang tak nampak pun kena coordinate dengan yang pakai orang nampak.Gilo tu.After 1/2 hour of matching this with that, (and I'm still not happy) I decided to wear a working suit that I only wear once in a blue moon. That is it lah..takyah sesusah nak match-match colour because the top and the bottom, compliment each other. Again, the world is against me. The blazer boleh ghaib!!!! Menjerit-jerit I satu rumah sampai MB (ni lagi puaka...asal ada function...terus shopping baju baru...so, dia jarang ada masalah) pun tolong carikan. I have a feeling I left it at work...the last time I wore it.Not wanting to waste more time (as if I have any) In the end, I surrendered to the first one that I have chosen the day before (tu lah gatal...buang masa aje kan?)

Deciding on what colour of eye liner,blusher or lipgloss is another hassle. In fact, I don't know why I am looking for all this trouble, macamlah tetamu jemputannya Brad Pitt.I think the decision of what colour to apply is easy as I am not the sort of person who like to stare at my own face. So, I just rembat apa yang reasonable and that is it...bye bye mirror.

The agony of living with another female while bersiap-siap ni is that it is always a bad time to ask for help and opinion, because they are under the same pressure as you. If they say yes...that thing this thing look okay on you...don't bank on it. They maybe say that to get you off their back, because they are so busy make up'ing themselves and honestly, they don't give a shit if you look like drag queen (haiyoo...maaflah ye...)

In the end, all 3 of us left the flat at 5.30pm, drove to the nearest tube station and get a underground from there.Nasib baik satu train aje, takyah tukar-tukar.Sometime before 7pm, we arrived at Holborn yang escalator nya (2 tingkat lak tu) sungguh boleh membunuh tu.Habislah sesiapa yang gayat cam I ni.Merasa berdiri in the middle and tak pandang-pandang belakang. We walked into the hotel and I thought I saw some familiar faces.Sungguh grand hotel ni..make me wonder, banyak betul duit government Malaysia.I'm sure it is nothing but thinking of all bills need to be paid in pound sterling yang kali 7 tu, the bill can pay off a Proton Perdana kan?

I saw this familar looking man...with suit and songkok.I try to remember where I remember him from...and when I am 2 metre before him, I recognised who he is.Jins Shamsuddin.I pun (dah dia pandang kat I..maybe try to work out whether aku ni melayu ke or gagak mana tah) teruslah bagi salam...terkujat kot dia.

There was so many (soooo many) malay in their baju kurung and suit.But somehow, bukan nak kata the kerajaan man never quite clever to compliment their suit with what to wear inside.How can you ever wear a black trouser, with a dark green blazer and midly green shirt?What is it with the red neck tie? Mak datuk...aku ni...but not all lah yang badly dressed.I have a feeling that they are somehow the sort of person who never have to wear smartly to work.Dalam hati, I must compliment their effort (walaupun kot pinjam lah agaknya) I used to watch my father dressing up (of course baju dia mahal-mahal and cantik-cantik....tapi, bukannya dia yang cuci gosok bagai) and that influenced the way I look on what men dress their body with.

Overall, the functions was okay...apart from food yang seciput and maha tak sedap.Datin Munah and hubby was there (pasal tu kot, dalam pinggan ada nasik dua sudu, penuh dengan daun serai sampai bersemak tekak I) Ada goody bag berisi kain batik and CD, John Prescott yang sakit (dek makan banyak sangat) telah menghantar Jack Straw sebagai wakil.You should hear them talk (these politician) deliriously aware yang orang-orang ni lapar, gi lah cakap banyak-banyak.Speaking of UK is always regard Malaysia as our friend (ptuihhh...immigration officer macam jahanam)

Ada jugak sora-sora sumbang orang-orang melayu kerajaan yang duduk kat table behind me, when Jack Straw bagi salam, terus pulak comment, eh..kita tak boleh jawab salam dia...wehh...when are we going to learn that Assalamulaikum is 'Peace Upon You'. Tak kisah lah sesiapa wish pun.Ngang sungguh.

Another distinguisher yang duduk sebelah meja I is Chef Wan yang sepanjang masa berpokpekpokpek tu.I am appeal to mengumpat on what he wears last night.Seluar sendat yang menampak sesuatu yang tembam and skin fit lagi.Dressing nya is so the only person in the village githoo!!!! ( But this ppl always tak ngaku kan...eh apa plak saya ******, saya kan dah pernah kahwin pastu saya kan ada anak?) Haiyoo...aren't men have sperms that enabled babies to be made? Tak kisah lah apa orientation pun. Denial syndrome sungguh!!!

I took some photos tapi dek Renaissance kedekut duit letrik, lampu pun dim-dim aje so, tak lah nampak, but I will try to publish them tomorrow when I'm at home.

By the way, I thank you for your comments on Nicholas Davis. The thing is, he is not dead and I need to point this out as some of you offered your condolences.He is still fighting the cancer aggresively and I hope to visit him once I got his home address.Ooh...macam Jude Law ye, Kiah? Well, he is good looking but aku takdelah pulak menelek mukanya camtu sekali all the time we worked together.

Information Board

To Malaysian people in England...ehh, besar sungguh England...sampai ke Preston nun diatas sana...starting from this Wednesday the 6th, there will be a Malaysia Week at Covent Garden from 10 am to 8pm daily.I was told that there will be plenty of Malaysian exhibitions (tak cakap pun nak exhibit apa benda...) fashion show,musics, song and dance and of course, Malaysian Foods. So, sesiapa yang berminat, silalah datang beramai-ramai. Bagi mereka yang every weekend turun London tapi tak nak singgah rumah I tu, masa ni lah boleh merasa makan popia basah you all...I'm not so sure if there going to be lemang, ketupat or anything yang sewaktu dengan nya...but, popiah and lemang kan, macam brothers gitu...tembam and six inches long....dan sedappppp dimakan...

I will be attending the lauching dinner (ni nak announce dengan bongkaknya) tomorrow night at Holborn yang khabarnya akan dihadiri oleh Deputy PM yang debab itu, Mr John Prescott. Dan atas sebab itulah, I tak makan dari hari ini semata-mata untuk mengosongkan perut untuk kegunaan hari esok. Buatnya dia jamu karipap pusing aje...siaplah delegation Malaysia yang kedekut tu...

To Jen, to answer your questions...if you are reading this,(plus you may email me at hajah_esah@yahoo.com - I might have some good info)

Imperial College, depend on which campus, but located mainly in the West London with main campus being in South Kensington. Obviously, living in the Royal Borough of Kensington & Chelsea are way too expensive compare to the other borough.However, with excellent transport link, nowhere is far from one another.Student will get 30% discount of the normal travel card price and they don't have to pay council tax.

Accommodation wise...you can get a good 2 bedroom flat with all mod cons and utilities for 700 pounds per month, but that requires plenty of searching and negotiating.West London is undoubtedly the expensive area to live in but sometimes, people have to pay extra to live in area where there will be no issue of anti social behaviour.

Hope this helps.

Have a nice day you all.