About Me

Friday, January 16, 2009

Update

Some of my clients/patients are blessed with the ability to manipulate. Manipulate lah apa-apa or siapa-siapa without getting caught (to them lah..macamlah I ni tak tau) and without causing big-big drama.


I certainly generated more than usual comments for my ‘message from the grave’ post and I am sure if it was me reading it and not writing it, like Si N bukan nama sebenar tu, I akan membuat demand besar-besar jugak nak tahu apa dalam surat tu.Terima kasih lah you all for the comments yang tak terjawab dek I dek banyaknya...maklumlah bukak blog pun kat opis dalam keadaan terketar-ketar takut orang nampak.Rasa macam nak kerja kat HUKM aje, ada bilik sendiri..ada katil sendiri.....


Menitik jugaklah air mata I…and kalau lah tak kerna diriku yang terlampau banyak kerja ni, mau jugak rasanya sampai hari ni menangis.


Ada 2,3 patient I yang jadik gila kerana chenta…I am saying it is just 2 or 3, the fact that it is plenty yang dalam secure unit tu yang terpeleot kepala hotak nya memanglah ramai…but I am just fortunate to know only just 2,3. I think dah tinngal 2 kot sebab ada satu jantan ni dah mati…alcohol abuse, dek kerana tak tertanggungnya seksa hati ditinggalkan bini. Memikirkan dia, sebak hati I. Bininya dah bahagia berlaki baru…laki lama masuk sepital…merana bertahun-tahun and in the end, terus my heart will go on (my new name for sakit jantung…cardiac arrest macam dah boring lah you all)


When I discussed him with my friend (ni yang tak kerja line yang sama) semua kata ‘ala…bangang mamat tu, satu pergi 10 mari lah…yang pergi menyeksa diri sampai mati buat apa?’ Tu diah…mudah nya mulut berkata-kata.


In this blog, tak terkata banyaknya I mengutuk si ex chenta hati I tu…the crime he committed before and after, enough to make anyone menyampah gila. Adakalanya I pun menyampah gila jugak…nak nak bila memikir banyaknya masa yang dah terbuang, banyaknya (ye ke?) peluang yang terlepas and seksanya perasaan. Think through, lepas dipecat serta-merta jadi girlfren nya dengan tak ada notis, I became single emotionally. Ada jugak jantan yang datang dan pergi…yang ku layan dan yang ku bolayan dan permain-main kan (spare your judgement hah, Kiah..kau pun sama)


Allow him to come back and messed me up for the 2nd time, and in the end, still was not chosen bukankah dah cukup petanda yang jantan tu memang tak ndak dengan you lagi? Siapa yang merana? Aku jugak kan? Okay….enough is enough lah. England here I come and bye-bye you. A decision need to be made, I can’t move on with him being around.


Literally 2 years ago I did moved on, I married someone else. But like said, I never stop talking and thinking about him. He was the first. I am just terrified of the thought that he was the only. My therapist keep telling me to make peace with myself and this will speed the moving on process.I tried. Like any other abuse victim (not that I am saying that I am) to get away from the claw of the abuser is something that will NOT succeed overnight. Ada tu yang abuser dah duduk dalam jail pun, sidianya masih takut lagi nak pergi kedai tepi rumah beli susu sebab takut si abuser nya akan datang menjelma. The theory is right, if you are still scared , it is because you allow yourself to be.


This man is already dead. When he is still around, without even having to try hard, he still finds his way to manipulate me.I hang on to his every words although deep down I knew that it is just like a music to my ears. I know that I have allowed myself to be his victim and to be manipulated, speaking of kerelaan hati sendiri. And because of that I can’t move on.


I like to share his letter but it will make me sad.I am done with being sad (kononnnya lah sekarang ni) and therefore, buat masa ni I terpaksalah mengamalkan konsep kedekut or pandai makan, pandailah simpan. But suffice to say that there is nothing you could not guess. ‘I love you’ ‘I don’t mean to hurt you’ ‘You’re the one, you’re the only one and you’re amazing’ ‘I am sorry’. What is there to hope for?


Lastly…(ni takde kena mengena dengan surat arwah tu) ni nak lah bagi tahu kat orang2 N9, betapa tak adilnya kerajaan negeri kita yang suruh kita ni semua berkabung 100 hari ye? Tak kasik clubbing lah…suruh baca yassin, quran dopopat jam lah…all the majlis kena postpone la…sebab Tuanku Jeff baru mangkat. Ni bagitahu kat anak cucu Tuanku Jaafar, datuk lu mati..lu lah yang kena puasa pergi party…apasal pulak orang lain? Tak ada maknanya you suruh orang satu negeri berkabung tapi cucu Tuanku Jaafar, 3 orang pergi berclubbing tak hengat. Ayoyo..adek…tak baca yassin ke? Ni bukan gossip ni…kisah benar. Puaka punya anak-cucu.


Tengok macam Makji ni…ada sedara dekat ninggal, setahun Makji takut pi karaoke, respect punya pasal.


Wassalam.

7 comments:

Tijah Lawa said...

cayalah makji!!!! mak ske citer yg 2nd last tu...

aking said...

sapakah yg ada bilik sdniri n katil kat HUKM tuh??

Selalu cam tuh kan?? bukan sebab kita tak nak lepaskan tp to move on tuh ada ke org yg betul2 nak ke kita??

ina said...

Dear Hjh Esah,

I've finally finished khatam your blog...hehehe... Very interesting and keep on writing. Maybe somethings are just not meant to be, so I pray that one day, you'll move on from all the hurt inflicted by arwah Sam tu... On another note, is it okay if I link your blog to mine? It'll be easier for me to keep track of new entries... thanx...

Iron Butterfly said...

makji, cucu yg mane satu makji *busybody gaks

Anonymous said...

itu lah kan, atuk dia yg meninggal org lain yg kena berkabung, cucu2 dia best2 je tonggang sana sini...hampeh betul..menyusahkan rakyat je...

yatie

Dina said...

btul lah makji...dh muak dah bertudung hitam ni.....tak larat nk berkabung dah ni haaaa.....

JDK92 said...

bila u cakap u tak leh move on..i naik takut my marriage will be the same..bila my husband still dok ingat gf dia..pantang sebut menda yang kena ngena ngan ex dia mesti dia nak senyum..and tetiba rasa insecure semakin meluap2..alamak...