Something Is Wrong With Me...Chemically

Really. I can feel it in my bone.Experts say you must not sell yourself short, but ideally, would we rather have others notice the irregularities before we did?

When I call someone in my office, I usually fire away the list of standard questions and in between addlib (betul ke ngeja nya ni?) soklan-soklan tersendiri, depending how nosy and inquisitive my mood is for the day.After I finished with them, I then call my team and we discussed the person and the information I just gathered.Believe me, I do feel bad doing it...for a living.Imagine, you confide in someone, tell them things that for the life of you, you wouldn't tell anyone and hoping that the person that was listening not to spread that information out,let alone making judgements.

Me? Not only that I spread the words around (between my colleagues and YOU who reads), tak cukup dengan itu, siap kutuk, buat analisa sendiri and obviously,being human that I am...passing judgement tak tentu hala.Keji tak? Keji..sungguh keji.

As at today, I have been working for 16 days non-stop and more than 12 hours a day. It's a choice.Nobody made me but workload is just getting fat and fatter.On my way back from Weymouth, sempat pulak aku bercanda dipasiran pantai, minum kopi dengan si tembam tu.Must I say that he has lose a bit of weight? (Katanya...) He reckoned that punca dia membesar begitu sekali is because of his Teh Tarik consumption. But I told him that maybe because he lacked exercise.I don't think he is the type of guy who like bia-walking around town or padang-padang permainan, let alone ada gym membership.

He never stop saying 'too English lah you sekarang...' and me...apa yang English nya?' Well...that's my polite way of telling him udah-udah le guna chat up line like that.JT always come up with unflattering (to me laaa) chat up line.Maybe orang lain sukalah kena puja-puji (ye ke compliment?) like that, but being paranoid me lately ni, I can't help to get so many syak wasangka apa aje orang cakap. 2 days ago, I told my partner 'I think I'm fat'...and orang tu tengok-tengok 'Maybe you should exercise a bit more'. And aku dengar marahnya respond 'So do you really think I'm fat now'. Padahal, orang tu hanya menjawap in passing, takde pun cakap I ni dah debab...plainly meaning kalau kau rasa kau gemuk, kau exercise lah.Tapi aku pulak yang tetiba panas hati.

See...first indication, Paranoia terlebih-lebih. I can't blame it to time of the month anymore. Tak kan la..asal mood swing aje, salah period kan? In fact lately ni, tak period pun aku rasa paranoia semacam.

2ndly, social inclusion. I received messages everywhere...in my mobile inbox,email and facebook. I don't even bother to reply.In facebook, you can get away with poking your friends partly suggesting to them that you're thinking of them and still breathing.Otherwise, you can still be this gatal person who suka mencocok-cocok thinking that your friends is somekind of fish kat Pasar Besar Seremban tu.I keep telling myself that when I'm free, I'll revert.But takde nya.Any free time dihabiskan dengan tengok CSI and seeing banyaknya back stabber dalam office they all making me think that maybe I shouldn't trust easily.

3rdly, experiencing hallucinations and hearing voices.Some information that I am pre-morbidly aware of.I think I hallucinates things like

a) I thought I saw MB masak nasik goreng and I told her, 'Oi..boleh ka kitak goreng telur sekali and hidang kamek nasik goreng kinek tok?'. And nya madah...bila masa kamek goreng nasik ya? So kesimpulannya, I saw something that didn't happened.

b) Lately ni, aku berlari sakan mengejar bus. There was 2 times, I come off the train and I saw the bus that goes direct to my office and macam Marina Chin, aku pun berlari la sampai tercungap-cungap but when I reached the bus stop, the bus that I thought I saw either ghaib dari penglihatanku yang gersang ini or suddenly become a different bus.

I do not wish to start on hearing voices.There's a lot of miscommunication in the work place lately.Things that I thought have said, tapi sebenarnya tak berlaku.'No, you didn't say that...but I did'. Like that lah.

One pregnant woman think that I'm horny thus explains why I now have this weird thought in my head...like aksi-aski perlakuan seksual dengan Boss.Not only with Boss, with some other six packed baru habis praktis main rugby men as well.

But sorry, I now have to disagree. But I don't want to explore further in this subject being gadis pemaliewww that I am and that we, gadis-gadis pemalu terakhir should not be explicit on our bedroom thoughts.I think I'm just drawn closer to Boss and Boss being extra nice.And being the ever confused and complicated me, I bound to feel like terjatuh chenta with sesiapa pun, who treat me right. I once think that I jatuh chenta with this blogger yang kununnya trapped in loveless marriage, but after a while, setelah ku sedar diri yang chenta yang macam gini hanya akan menserabutkan kepala, not to mention takde makna, I slowly grew out of it.

I think to the extent of being unfaithful, we got to allow ourself to separate the reality and the emotion.Reality for someone, yes, aku ni dah berlaki, berbini, beranak bagai...so jgn lah nak berhanky-panky kat luar rumah.But we are very much affected by our emotions anyway.Reality is, partners can be a pebbles in the shoe, menyakitkan hati kadangkala...but until your feelings tell you otherwise, I don't think we will mind the ocassional prick so much. We find our own comfort drowning in our own emotion.Not realistic but just a plain comfort.There's nothing wrong with having dreams,explicit thoughts...like lari dengan laki orang or fucking your office mate blind under the desk.I certainly don't call that unfaithful.It is just a mere comfort and most probably we can't get from the partner.

But please, I'm not putting ideas in your head now.I now worry that I may have signs of chemical imbalances, the classic cause for every accute mental illness in this earth.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......