Satu Hari Di Hari Open House...

Cik Kosui dengan Cik Jeniffer Lopez ni apasal nyebok kat sini ni?

Eh, apasal Burger Ramly Ayam Special enterframe lak ni? (Gambar Hiasan)

Aku telah kembali ke kampung halamanku 3 days ago. At the risk of sounding like Tenggang, I really mati kematu kat sini.I have no one to talk to. My nieces and nephew still see me as a foreign props dalam rumah.The phone line is so bad that I cannot use the dial up (mana tak nya, ada cross line and I can hear some pakcik-pakcik mengumpat) The TV, hish...the astro, the NTV7, the RTM’s and few more channels consequently repeat their program tak habis-habis. I swear that I have come across Kwek Mambo Anita berbelas kali, Cit Cat beratus kali and all the drama’s....bila budak-budak kecik dah tidur, barulah boleh tengok CSI, tu pun yang dah ditayang kat UK 6 bulan lepas....makkkk!!!!!

But the advantage is always food. Bangun pagi, dah ada roti canai atas meja.My mother’s helper, Bibik by 12noon, dah start ambik order, mau makan apa? Since I balik, I have eaten rice countless time. My abdomen memang dah terburai and I am missing LA Fitness badly. The worst part, my mother tak kasi I bawak balik Diet coke, takut sikecik-kecik tu semuanya nak minum, and it is bad for them. And 3 hari jugaklah, I kurengg minum air, mana taknya aku berberak batu?

When my sister arrived from Shah Alam yesterday,I insisted that she drive me out to town. I told her that I am bored, really bored that I can kill someone just for fun (bongkak tak?) She in return, have better idea.Diajaknya I pergi open house rumah my relative yang I dah tak pernah jumpa since I was 6 years old. Well, again bukan nak tunjuk sombong, I am very selective nak pergi-pergi rumah orang ni.Bukan apa, I ni bangsa tak bercakap. I will only go places that I know I’ll be behaving normally.How can you be over friendly with relatives yang you jenjarang jumpa? God knows my parents agaknya tengah-tengah malam secretly buat sembahyang hajat with hope that Allah boleh turunkan rahmat, tukar sikit perangai anak dia yang macam sakai laut ni.My aunty lives next door. I have been in Malaysia for over a week now, but belum sekalipun I jalan beraya rumah dia. My mother keep getting messages from her to ask me to call over, datang makan tapai ke hapa. Apa? Makan tapai? Jokingly (well, I don’t joke...tapi tak nak nampak kurang ajar sangat, I memain jugak la) I told my mother, that I will only come if dia buat roti jala. I bet 20 years ago, if I were to answer her like that, she will then start bersyarah, kalau kau tak campur orang, kau kahwin nanti, orang tak nak datang.....but knowing me, I also have answer for that, baguslah kalau orang tak datang kan, takde habis duit nak beli beras ke, hapa ke....

Since we only see each other, every 5 years, of if lucky, every 2 years, my mother, like ibu sejati with heaven under her tapak kaki, have opted to remain calm and collected and understanding, even bila I tidur sampai pukul 9 pagi pun. Seeing her like that (my mother is now nursing my sick father) made me insaf and I try to give her what she wants.She never rest.I would have given up (especially bila ingat-ingatkan yang laki dah la perangai cam puaka) Ibu Mithali tu mak aku....

In the end, with no other better offer,I agree to raya rumah my relative ni. My sister told me that he is now a famous singer (takde la famous mana nya pun) and recently married anak VIP jugak. Okay lah, he also anak VIP. I can’t remember the last time I saw him, because his family lives in Subang Jaya, and because his bapak is so rich, he goes to private college rather than menadah muka kat sekolah MARA macam I ni.

We went to his mother's house. I have to introduced myself to them, maklumlah, dah lama tak jumpa, muka masing-masing pun dah lain. Me and my sister is so convinced that mak dia cucuk botox or tak pun, pakai susuk. Mulut!!!! Disebabkan ramai orang, me and this famous relative of mine, cakap pun setakat hi and bye, but it is so obvious that he have a little bit of interest nak bercakap-cakap dengan I ni (so is everyone else) because I live in London. Wehh..kalau I duduk Puncak Alam or Kampung Melayu Subang you all tak nak cakap-cakap ke? Me and my sister then kena introduced to many glamour-glamour people. My sister keep whispering..Hey..that one is sipolan, this one is sipolan. I pun macam orang bingung...I don’t know anyone but I know, their open house got satay. So, I am not interested to suaikenal with this so called ‘famous amous people’ and quickly adjourned to makan satay.

Watching Malay drama (ada jugak yang best nya tau) making me very menyampah to certain actor/actresses. Ada yang scene dalam kampung, tapi mekap tebal cam Makhayyam Fiona (siapakah itu?) muka putih, leher gelap...where got orang kampung wear mekap like that? The male actor, with one line of dialogue, tapi ada 2,3 facial expression pastu hayun-hayun tangan cam orang jual ubat. Very the tak jadi, tau?

This scene is very the kelakar one, one female ‘artiste’ ni, seat next to me masa makan. Well, I must give her credit for her friendliness walaupun ada ala-ala terpaksa gitu. She must have heard that I lived in the UK, and she friendly asked ‘ What do you do for life?’ Ermmm....nasib baik I paham, but my sister yang jahat tu keep raising her eyebrow, signaling yang dia pun rasa nak gelak. I pun jawabla pertanyaan dia (telling her what I do for a living, entah dia paham ke tidak agaknya, maklum lah kerjaya I tak le glamour macam kau kan, Kiah?) and I asked her back, ‘What do you do?’ ‘I’m an artiste’. (She could have said ‘I’m an actress aje, sebab my sister kata dia ni berlakon aje kerjanya.) She then started talking about her career, of which sangatlah tak interesting nya. I think she sensed that I don’t know much, and she start lah membebel about the industry. Me and my sister was just listening and looking at her, as we all pun tak tau apa-apa, apart from my sister bayar her monthly Astro subscription aje. Agaknya, after she realised yang dia je dah bercakap-cakap berejam lamanya, she politely invite me back into talking by asking ‘ London tu jauh tak?’ Eh..kau apahal, tapi berdum dam cakap cam international actress pastu tanya, London jauh ke tidak? Ish...bak kata my sister, janganlah kutuk dia, maybe she genuinely tak tau.But I can't stop laughing til today.

Hahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahahah.....