High Anxiety - Private Note 1

I spent a long day at work today and as we speak, I'm still at work with so many threatening emails from head office that needed urgent reply.Unlike the Orang Putih, I don't really like the summer. First, the early sunrise disturbed my morning, and that is a biggest deal in my sleeping pattern as I am not a greedy sleeper. As early as 4.45am can appear like 10am and it will only be darken by at least 9pm.Summer and Winter is equally depressing !!! (hamboii..tak bersyukur sungguh)

Now that some of my MRSM clan have been virtually in touch, bahasa and cerita dalam blog pun kenalah murni-murni sikit (haiyoo..hypocrite nya!) So Sarafina & Aizee (nama separuh sebenar) thanks for keeping in touch and by proving to me that Beseri's clan are the smartest in CSI'ing untraceable people like me (Cheh...how do you know it's me yeah?)

I have a little trouble at work now; Miss Nigeria is AWOL.Janjinya nak balik on the 12th, but as at today, tak nampak pun batang hidung or kaki dia yang panjang tu.Kena malaria kah dia? I really need to get on with the rota and without Miss Nigeria, my workload can treble like badak sumbu Farouk itu. I knew she having some problem with her parents.Dia dah terkantoi dengan bapaknya pasal they all tahu yang dia ni dah bersekedudukan dengan boyfriendnya kat sini.Mind you, Miss Nigeria is a staunch Catholic and I can imagine, although she have been Americanised by her American Boarding School, she is very much a typical Nigerian daughter who still takut kat MakBapak.I was and am worried about her, janganlah passport dia dirampas oleh ayahnya yang garang itu.

Besides that, Frankie and I are in the mode of 'speaking again' now.Macamlah takde kerja lain.I voiced my worries about Miss Nigeria kat dia and dia pulak tak semena-mena,tanya bila I nak apply British Passport, takut apa-apa jadi kat I.Ni pun satu, suka hati I lah kan.But, I have been thinking about that quite a lot lately ni.Since travelling was made harder by all the immigarations that seems to dislike my Malaysian Passport, I am so appeal to apply for one but I know, by doing so will upset my father.Having a PR is distressing enough for him, although, dialah yang jadi my sponsor bila I apply for residency that day.Some years ago, he insist on keeping my I/C, kononnya, takut I tak nak balik and will continue to renew my passport in the UK.In the end, after I got my Mykad, I offered it to him to safekeep, tak nak pulak and but made me promise to balik every 6 months to visit him.But being the anak durhaka (ah..ah..ah...) that I am serta berpenyakit janji manis mu MIC, since last June, aku pun belum ada nak balik lagi.Tunggu raya lah ye...

My anxiety bertambah dengan si Frankie is asking me to move down closer to mak dia kat West Sussex nun.I have not giving any answer although I did not rule out the idea.I can see and feel how I contradict myself a lot (to myself) where I always hope to be looked after by someone who care about me.I found the person that can do the emotional caring bit.Somehow with me, emotional and being practical is like mercury in the tepid water. I always consider myself alone (and Frankie hated this) here. Ye lah, mak ayah jauh.For a long time I have built this wall around to keep me safe.I like to do my own things and I so very much want to trust my partner.But I am finding it very hard.And I feel bad because I am not capable to put a trust in Frankie.

Unlike MB's, I was never a victim of Frankie's excessive jealousy. Takdelah pulak orang nak check telephone I tengok siapa call,message bagai. I can go out to parties as long as I cakap bila I nak balik. The only thing that Frankie doesn't like is MB's. Insecure tak sudah!! I pretty much call the shots and often get things done my way.I am so selfish that I sometimes question on how long more dia boleh tahan.We both have our insecurities.It will be 6 years this June, how can we not overcome that already?

I am also a bit anxious now that the lease of our current flat is ending soon. Me and MB like the flat. MB love her new beemer so much and staying in the current residence secure her good night sleep without having to worry about some boys wander about the street preying on her new machine. For ages I have nagged MB about buying a house.Rent is just too much that I feel so sorry to see that money flowing into other people mortgages, not ours. Now that MB is with MB2, situation is a bit delicate because nak tak nak, MB2 misti di include.We thought of getting a 3 person mortgage to get a 3 bed house, it is more like an investment for me and for them to get into property ladders.I can't live with them forever although I know MB will feel safer to have me around.We went and look at houses today, set eye onto one and try to get as many choices as we can.I told them both that I need to have a place just in case anything happen to me. One of this day I have to tell Frankie about the our plan.Mesti aku kena marah or kena tinggal. I feel a bit shaky.I am so,so anxious.Talk soon.