About Me

Sunday, April 22, 2007

Pandemonium

The week has passed with plenty unpleasant things happened.If I may, I want to list down all the things that I find upsetting, of which I will, as you read along. I am so determine to sleep late tonight to do some blog-catching-up and to read the pile of newspapers that my colleague so kindly put away for me, during my work-related reclusion period. For those who called and emailed that I haven't answer, please accept my sincere apology as I truly did not have time to do so. I have been busy replying the more work-threatening mails than the friendlier one. I was emotionally disturbed over things that happened within my private space and I am still physically tired having to work all day and night since last Monday.
At last, last night at home, I finally able to reflect on things that I will now refer as a life pandemonium and how it is affecting me badly. I often think of my parents when time like this and this is when the reality of them being 13 hours flight journey away from me sank in. I remember when I was sad, I used to drive from Subang Jaya and stay a few night at my mother's, sit in one corner, not talking to anyone and just stare at my mother doing her daily things. It is such a comfort knowing that she is there. This made me feel sorry for those who had lost their parents. Me and my mother hardly talked, not because she is not nice or I have some issues with her but that is the way it is since I can remember. My mother always busy and I am a the kind of a person that needs to be talking to rather than doing the talking to. After few days of looking at her and say nothing, I usually ended up feeling a lot better. And that is by thinking about how my mother somehow survived the nastiest thing being thrown at her and she is still who she is and hopefully happy. Well, how bad can life be? We were made to withstand all the things that is coming our way. Things wouldn't be thrown at us for no reason. Sometimes I tell my mother things that is bothering me. Her good quality is that she listen well...and sometimes, will say her bit and enough to make me calm. I am so lucky to have a parents like mine that works their strength as a parent differently. My mother listen and symphatised while my father will either point me to right direction or better still, helped to solved the problems for me.I guessed this is what I missed. Having parental protection.
Well, as promised earlier, list of the most upsetting things this week is that Miss Nigeria will not make it back to London until 1st week of May. Although work is hell for me, I am hoping that she is well.I have to cancel all pre booked plan and for that, I apologised to those who are expecting me. Apart from some office do that I cannot escape no matter what, I was invited to a birthday bash by someone rather close. I so want to go but in the end, I didn't and used work as an excuse. My late brother would have turn 30 last Wednesday and I'm feeling sad that while someone is having a hell of a party celebrating their big 3, my little brother didn't live long to tell people that he is 30. And for that, I can't bring myself to attend Lynsey's 30th birthday bash.I am so sorry but I do hope that you had fun.
Somebody upsets me a great deal couple of days ago. As this person means a lot to me, I choose not to do anything but deep down I am brewing hatred. I fear this as I don't hate easily. I might turn into a nastiest piece of work or the worst, an emotional wreck. I bury my frustration at work and become physically tired, however I must admit that I found tranquility by creating a separation.
People said that when you're emotionally troubled, what you feel will cloud your judgement. I have come to certain conclusion and if this materialised, this will be the biggest deal of life-changing decision. I am so convinced that I need to walk away to keep my calm and sanity. I will be sad not to be near them but it is better than have the relationship severed. I need to work out what to do next and meantime, have to detach myself from you,but until you see me next time,always remember that you are all always in my thought.

6 comments:

Goddess Selene said...

Makji, am so sorry to hear that... Ingatkan uols busy at work just that, but didnt expect that u actually had some worst situation that u need to exclude yrself from us. Hope that you'll be alright...

Just let me know if you r still planning to come over to Dublin next weekend. If not then its ok and I understand... U take care sweetheart and pls hv a good rest at home!!..

Muahhhhh xxxx

sarafina said...

H, hope everything is alright.I still remember you sitting quietly in one corner and sobbing under your pillow quietly when the light is off, and somehow, miraculously flash a smile and talking again after few days.Tak berubah ye?

captainlukman said...

talk about watching my mum doing her things.....always remind me of her non-stop story about everythings, but i prefer tgk muka dia yg merajuk dgn bapak i.lagi dramatic.

rilekslah ya makji,mek pun awez kene down-syndrom**betul ke ejaan ni?**. Kdg2 excluded diri dari sesiapa lagi besh.....:)

Lee Novotny said...

U ols, hope u can resolve things real soon. Dun just keep it within u ols... tell someone especially someone closest to u ols..perhaps MB??? Or even Frankie (if Frankie's not the one u r having problem with here)..but even so, talk is important, kan?? Like your job jugak.

Take care and hope to talk to u ols soon

stephen said...

Stay strong ya, hope this will cheer u a bit, found a blog entri of kak wan n pics of her.
http://sashabashir.blogspot.com/2007/04/f1-fantasy-gala-dinner-earth-wind-fire.html

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Thank you Makji Eton...let me sort out problem kat office, pastu...berterbanganlah I dengan kain-kain telekung ke Dublin yang meriah ittew..

Sarafina...something never change...and you, still berangan ke nak berlakikan Jordan Knight?

Haiyoo..Capt, camtulah...down syndrome ni mmg selalu...

Lee, tks for that...nak cakap dgn Mak Badak, nanti dia pulak stress...dah cakap dah dgn Frankie, aku balik dimarahnya...siyalll githoo...

Stephen...kinek tok jugak kamek akan bukak blog sidak nya...Makasih ya..