One For The Year End

Salam semuah...I sudah pulang. Dari pulau dan juga dari majlis kebumi orang Yahudi yang telah ditutup mesin nya malam Xmas eve itu. And I'm glad I have now said goodbye to him properly, walaupun ku sepatah haram taktahu bahasa Hebrew yang dibaca-baca dek Pak Janggut dan Sideburn panjang tu.

You also might have notice a request from a certain Anon....for her masalah. And I have also published her rather 'frantic' comments asking me to retract her message to me. First, you tak minta pun comment you tu diprivate kan. I know some of you communicated with me and has politely asked for your message to be unpublished. If you asked, of course I honour your request.

Can I also say that I don't do private message? I have written about it before. I feel comfortable to share with you all, then together we can learn. I bukan kemut nasihat or opinion, tapi I tak kenal you and nasihat-nasihat or opinion yang kita bagi kat orang in general or in private tak semestinya seswai or berguna untuk orang itu. So, saya adalah mengambil jalan selamat. You must also know that if you ask opinion or advice from me in my professional capacity, we don't give 'advice'. Giving advice can also be seen as telling you what to do. Do we really take kindly to people telling us what to do? Hardly ever.

Having read your 'issue' yang lebih kurang serupa juga dengan issue semasa I...may I also point out your strength, that maybe useful for you as a thinking tool.

Cik Anon yang dikasihi, contoh pertama yang you dah nampak sekarang ialah, orang tak semestinya akan ikut permintaan you. You asked me not to published your comments. Hmm...did you get what you want? Why? Because I choose not to.

May I analyse your character from the comments you wrote me? I think you are a strong-minded person and maybe most times would prefer to get things done your way FIRST, have your own peace of mind FIRST and maybe some other things FIRST before you can start focussing on others. I also need to say that this is all NOT a bad things. Sometimes this is how it is, how we function as a person. Hati dan perasaan kita yang kena clear dulu baru kita boleh buat benda lain. Idok lah I nak kata you selfish ye...maybe, self-centred sikit laa...

You know what you want from him, hence you are the one who seems to make all the moves. Dia tak tepon, you lah yang kena tepon kan? Since you yang berkawan dengan dia..tak kisah la, jarak dekat ke, jarak jauh ke..(you both were nearer before he flew off, kan?) I'm sure you can see or feel if there's any strength in the friendship.

Well, he says he likes you. Maybe he does. Maybe he is doing things his way. Maybe..or I think now quite obviously, because he just moved, he has other priorities. Macam orang pindah rumah lah...kita kenalah kemas rumah kita dulu sebelum berkenen-kenen dengan orang rumah no. 47 tu kan, Sally?

You obviously 'want' him. That you know for sure. You are very aware of what you're doing. But not his. I am not incline to take the excuse pemalu on his part. He is not young and it is not like he has energy to try different chat up lines to every different girls every minutes. If he is serious, you would have known it. Kan I kata, you sangat aware.Some people are not born with ability to express themselves clearly but there's a little or not more, indication of their true feelings. Busy lah cemana pun...

On the other hand, sit back and have a wonder, if you may have been a bit pushy.One of my reasons to published your comments is for you to see how 'frantic' you can get when you're uncertain. Men panic easily although they have openly announce how good they are dealing with crisis. Ye la...suruh la diorang tu jaga nursery.

It seems to me, that you don't know this guy well enough to excuse his absences. So, I will leave the ball back in your court.

Happy New Year.

You're Gay, (but) You're (not) Okay

Masih lagi di Pulau. Buhsannnnnn dan depressed. My patient that was admitted to ICU 2 days before I left England, has died on Xmas Eve. I spent a good two days grieving for him. Might you ask why the death is affecting me, padahal bukanlah sedara mara or even kawan? Entahlah...I have faced so many death in my workplace. There's time when I question the why I am doing this job.

Okay, leave that thoughts for now lah. Like I said, I am mildly depressed at the moment. Dah le sensorang...

I saw the link 'Saya GAY, Saya OK' posted by a schoolmate. Dengan internet tahap cipan ni (not the speed, but I'm having problem understanding foreign prompt) I takdelah nak tengok that link but I saw comments made by viewers on that link.

Since the guy who made it is a muslim and malay, he was horridly critisised. To extent of being called a laknat by some. I must say that he is indeed very brave, brave enough to ignore how sensitive is the issue to Malaysian Muslims. Pardon me for choosing to use the word ignore here...and ignore is not a bad word.

My opinion stands, that sexual preference is a private thing. Not for us to discuss in public nor that we should judge others. But again if you choose to stand out by talking about things you know will bring so much attention down your way, is the choice you made with, supposedly clear and sound mind. Majority of oppressed people cope by being extra defensive. If you put a pressure on a gay person, he/she are likely to retaliate with 'so if being gay is a sin, how will you define child rape, apostasy etc, etc'

Like how the law systems works, with every inch of evidence, theories and facts featured in the books, as a Muslim we also believe that what is right or wrong is as what is bespoken in Al-Quran.

Kelemahan seseorang, kalau tak ditolong atau dibaikpulih, ada kemungkinannya akan menjadi kekuatan mereka. Being strong, again you can be strong in many aspect...ada orang yang kuat mengata, kuat bergaduh...still, kuat la jugak kan...is not always a good thing. Kuat kerja and kuat gaduh is one large opposite from the other.

Ada banyak benda yang kita buat dalam hidup kita ni yang tidak ada betul nya. Selagi kita tidak diagnose ada kecacatan otak, kita selalunya tahu apa yang kita buat tu salah. Nasihat yang baik yang kita terima dari orang-orang sekeliling kita yang teramat concern kadang-kadang ambil masa yang lama jugak untuk kita ikut. Hanya kita sendiri yang boleh mengubah kita...bila kita bersedia untuk berubah dan ditambah dengan pertolongan dari tuhan dan orang-orang yang kita sayang.

His life choice or literally sexual choice is obviously not to many people liking. Do you think he will likely to change just because you call him a laknat and umat Nabi Luth?

I saw an documentary recently about how Taliban fighters yang mengaji Quran before menembak orang, beat up the Afghan women and their spouses. Complete contradiction with how women were suppose to be treated as written in Al-Quran. Taliban men sodomised young boys, for obvious sexual gratification if not sexual preference. And, they Taliban were hailed a true Muslim hero with fast tracked entrace to heaven.

One may say, kalau you tak tahu..you jangan cakap lah. Betul. Pengetahuan agama I sangat cetek, nak nak dah duduk oversea lama dan lebih exposed to liberal thinking dan hak-hak kemanusiaan ni. I believe in berbuat baik, akan dapat benda yang baik juga...dan Allah itu maha pemaaf. Berjahat dengan orang, belum tentunya kita dapat dimaafkan oleh orang itu.

Terimalah dan fahamilah kekurangan seseorang sebelum kita rasa kita berhak menjatuhkan hukum. If being different is a kelemahan, berdoalah mereka itu diberi kekuatan. Kita pun tak tahu apa bahagian kita.

One of my relative, has openly critised my kununnn nya westernised way of life. Of course lah judgement made on I yang tak pakai tudung ni...sembahyang hit and miss ni etc etc yang tak islamic lah katanya. With his wife being pregnant at that time, I softly told him...you think you are so perfect just because you think you live like a decent Muslim person and against everyone. Don't be so harsh, you don't know you might be bearing child worst than me.

Tapi this guy dengan mak dia, cakap tempik-tempik taw..apa yang Islamic nya tu.

p/s and that guy pun...alah...low profile dah la kannn. Dah tahu duduk kat Malaysia, apa motif OUT and PROUD pulak? Memang nak sangatlah kena kata pun kannn?

Mood Sedikit Marah

Hmmm....I sedang berada di sebuah pulau. I have now decided not to blog about this trip. Sebabnya, I sudah mengompang kat dalam FB I pi mana during Xmas period. So, dah alang-alang ber blog underground ni, kenalah jaga sikit identity yang semakin hari semakin retak menunggu belah ni kannn?

I think, some of my friends have probably guessed me and the people they know in FB is the same person. Keep on guessing lah. Some have openly called me by my blogging name on my wall. Mana you tahu? (----kengkawan ketat dlm FB ku yang dichentai, you alls takpe panggil I makji....hehehe, tetapi sila jangan bocorkan maklumat blog pada MC nah?)

I have already a list of people who I want to keep out of my path, from blog to FB. I really have direct thoughts, some of you know that, in retrospect is a right thing to say/do but opted and resigned to conclusion that I ni boleh jadik musuh. Suka you lahh...

I really value my private life and I like the fact that some of you my friends really conscious of our own boundaries. I like that..we don't step on each others toes.

If you think you know me, please please don't be so intrusive. I am often very prepared and I really hate it if I am being ambushed.

Bercakap...biarlah berpada-pada. My blog and my FB is two separate things. Don't make me get rid of you or this blog.

Kiah, I lap yu.

Going It Alone Guide...

I should have added 'yang tak berapa boleh nak pakai sangat' on to the subject.

I received this special comment from an anon who wished not to be published, but she didn't mind sharing her story, katanya. Yolah dik...

So, katanya she only just came out of a long term relationship. Long term tu berapa lama lah dik? Ye lah..bebudak sekarang...6 bulan pun long term. Bukan macam akak kau ni yang dah seploh tahun dan 2 kali kena tinggal. Sungguhlah long term tu, since I ni barulah nak akil baligh (bulan pun tak datang lagi masa tu tawww)

Si Anon ni khabor lah kat I betapa sengsaranya nak mengeluarkan mamat ni dari system nya. Apparently its a mutual decision..okeh lah, I believe you. So, now you and your lover is finding it hard facing the life alone without another...but above all this you both know that there is no future in the relationship.

Perlukah akak speku dik??? Takyah lah...like I always said, relationship with another person is never an easy thing. Kalau you tak end up ikut dia, dia kena ikut you. Macam tulah, barulah tolerable...if not happy.

So si adik Anon ni mintaklah nasihat kat I. Ayoyo kadawale dikkk....salahnya orang kau ni mintak tolong. Can you not tell that I am a dreamer and a constant dreamer? I've been in 3 relationships so far...and married to one, for a reason I come to realised is to get the current one out of my mind once and for all. I was ever crazy about the two, one died and his demised was a perfect excuse to moved on. One that still alive whom I thought I will never see again, called me out of the blue almost a year ago, and we have been together since after 16 years hiatus.

So however takde future nya my relationship was with them...I was never able to get anyone out of my system...just like that.

But, because I get paid to talk sense to people and apparently come to be very good at it, I find it easier to preach on people...and live a hypocritical life. So what does that make me? The next Anwar Ibrahim? Shouting reformasi on the top of his lung but living like a reformed multi-colour Iguana?

Speaking from experience, that I am so proud to claim the success rate, what actually was hard but not what we immediately want to admit is the fact after spending/enduring time with another, is the difficulty to adjust to being alone. If we fight and argue, we do it with the other. If we sleep, we either sleep with the other or know that before we go to bed, we have the other to say goodnight to. Life can be hard with the other but for some practical reason, it is way much better than being alone.But we know at some point it has to come to an end, especially after nothing has worked and the relationship has become a burden. So, why don't you try this...

1. Stop talking to each other. Of course, there will be this urge to call...or the other person might call. Jangan call...and jangan jawab. Keraskan hati......keraskan sekeras-kerasnya...until sampai hari ke 3, you will feel that, okay...you have managed 3 days without and surely the day after and after will be easier. Talking to the person that we used to talk to on daily basis is one of few things that we need adjust. So now you have to get use to not talking so much to the other.

2. After a while...(sebulan, 2,3 or 4 bulan of not talking) if you do talk again, elaklah me reminisce benda-benda yang boleh membawa kepada keinginan untuk kembali ke keadaan asal. Bercakaplah tentang kambing lembu takpun, berboraklah hal gossip hangat siapa tido dengan siapa kat opis mana-mana. Jangan sesekali...ohh, I keep thinking about you blah..bla..bla...or, I saw that sabun cap rimau, and I teringat betapa sukanya you beli sabun brand tu. Ohh..that will certainly lead you to a more dangerous zone.

3. Find a hobby (tak pun..pengganti) secepat yang mungkin. Joinlah gym..buatlah kerja kebajikan...ke, gilah menyapu sampah kat belakang rumah Uwan you.

4. This should have come top, but although very essential, it is not necessarily a positive thing to do. What I want to say is, you should allow yourself moping, wallowing self pity or anything yang mengeluarkan air mata or making you look like kucing beranak tak lepas. Tak apa...grief have stages. Depend on how your system works...you either feeling in denial first..or maybe sad or even getting insanely angry first.

5. Always tell yourself that menaruh harapan pada orang, samalah seperti menaruh harapan pada kucing dan makhluk-makhluk yang sewaktu dengan nya. If we believe in a religion, we put a faith in god. Tu memang boleh percaya. Even makbapak kita pun kadang kadang, adakalanya mengecewakan kita jua. I'm not talking serious thing but you know lah the term, manusia hanya mampu merancang ni. Janji nak beli kasut sekolah Aliph...kesudahnya dapat BM2000 tapak hijau garis kuning jua. Remember, if we want something so bad, we will work on it. Soal takde jodoh...takde itu takde ini hanya keluar dari mulut manusia saja. Like, you nak pi ngorat pompuan mana and eventually bini you mintak cerai, jangan lah dok kata jodoh dengan ex wife tak panjang dek takdir tuhan. You yang menyetan gi nyundal tu takdir tuhan ka banggg? Ptuihh laa...so if you think, things can't really work and no way out for you both...what is actually stopping you? You either do or don't. Memang lah susahhh kan..but kena gak buat.

I takde sebab nombor 6. But if any readers yang amat saya hormati walaupun tiada kesempatan masa nak balas komen you all, ada cadangan yang lagi bernas or sadis demi menolong si Anon ni, silalah bantu dia...dan silalah bantu saya dan project CFC saya dengan membeli benda-benda yang telah di iklankan kat online shopping kat belah kanan atas tu ye...(sempattt ni)

Babaiss....

Cerita FB Lagi....

Salji turun dengan banyaknya lah pulak hari ni....ish. Menyusahkan tawww. I think some people sukalah kot. I pun suka jugak...sebab nanpak chantekkk githoo. But tapi keseronokan salji ini adalah bila kita ada dirumah dan bertidur-tiduran...bukannya tengah bekerja-kerjaan. Sebab macam terseksa lah nk berjalan kaki dalam ice dan habislah usaha kita ber GHD pepagi hari sampai nak terkehel tengkuk nak rambut chantekk punya pasal.

I ni nak cerita pasal sorang kawan I kat Msia...yang dok bergossip dengan I pasal kengkawan dia yang study dan kerja kat UK ni. My fren ni msg la I..awatnya bila aku baca FB status hang pasal salji aku rasa suka but bila aku tengok orang melayu lain aku rasa nak pitam dek meluatnya???

I pun jawablaa...alah, maybe diorang excited kot. Some of us tak pernah tengok salji. Masa I student kat hujung utara tu dulu pun macam darat jugak tengok salji. Habislah dua gulung pilem puji tu. Hah, zezaman I dengan Kiah menimba ilmu manalah ada DSLR and cameraphone bagai...pastu, muka I ni idok la lawa mana nak jadi camera-whore pun. Muka tak lawa satu cerita, apatah lagi nak buat aksi-aksi terbang kan?

Then I cakaplah dengan my fren ni...abis tu dah FB tanya 'what's on your mind' as your status que...so apa yang dalam kepala hotak and dalam hati apa rasa masa tu kita tulis lah kannn? Tapi my fren ni tetap jugaklah nak kata..alah. melayu berlagak tak hengat. I tulis kat dia..ish..suka hati hang lah Munahh....melayu berlagak tu kan kawan hang jugak...kahkahkah...

Speaking about status FB, some people I think do use it to show off. Tataulah intentional ke tidak. Ada orang yang nak show off tapi sangat pandai menulis dan kita yang membacanya suka aje..sebab genuinely kelakar.Ada orang terlebih show off and you wonder adakah dia nak terang-terang bagitahu kita dia tu bagus?

Some people wrote their life plan as his/her status. Some wrote opinions. Some are too persecutory of others opinions. Some just...aduhaiii....tak tahulah apa motifnya.

People should really be conscious of what is over the top i.e. gila meghoyan and some should really draw a line of what to share. Ada work colleague I sorang ni...dah lah dalam bahasa sehariannya dia suka mencarut tak hengat...dalam FB status pun, wahhh..gigih nak mencarut walaupun spelling tunggang langgang.

Kiah openly resent me writing what is in my mind about my chenta. But being a good friend, dia taklah nak taruk I kat FB just sindir setajam-tajamnya dalam blog. But Kiah is just feeling left out so sekarang ni, from time to time, I will endeavour to include her in my FB public display of affection.

But honestly, what can we do or say? Dah FB dia..suka dia lah apa dia nak tulis kann? Kalau tak suka tu hide aje lah. Macam I dah hide status updates this public figure fren of mine. Aiyoh..dia punya update dok cerita outing dengan Datuk tu Datuk ni..Tengku tu Tengku ni...segalamala VIP happenings in his life...yang of course lah tak tercapai dek tangan I ni...or majority of us in that matter nak dikompangnya. What is fun in reading...today I'm having lunch with Datuk sekian,sekian..VP of syarikat sekian, sekian...and malam nanti I will be officiating majlis sekian,sekian and glad to meet my fren Datin sekian,sekian..pengerusi persatuan pompuan mulut becok etc etc. Fun ke tu?

And is it fun or vomit inducing to read...so so feel that he/she should now planning his/her future, does he/she want this intelligent educated guy with Master in XYZ or just plain Jane/John...etc etc. But the problem is, can he/she cope with inferiority complex issues blablahblah....(phuekkkkk....I sudah muntah taww Sally..)

What is it with them people yang tak reti nak besederhana dalam segala hal..termasuklah dengan curahan perasaan you yang sungguh meloyakan itu? Adakah sangat penting orang tahu betapa over the top nya kita dalam memberi opinion?

Do we not realise how we sounded to other people??? Ish...you ni memang ada natural talent to buat orang menyampah kannn?

So I am begging Kiah....please, please..after you dah habis study and received your title square...can you not turn into this self-obsessed, boring, tak nak kalah and penuh dengan ceritamu ceritaku kind of people???

BTW, can people not put 'huhuhu' or 'kwangkwangkwang' on their status? Apa benda nya tu?

Sekian.

Jadilah Kawan Yang Baik....

Reading all your comments on my post, reading other people's life blog on how life is not so bed of roses and nasik lemak bawah pokok made me ponder.

I am trying to get a divorce...and susah lah pulak since the other party tu taknak acknowledge. I dah lama tak bercakap dengan dengan dia. I tanya MBs should I hantar Xmas card...mereka kata don't bother. I know they meant well. After a while of on again, off again..in terms of how I feel about us (me and the recent ex) bila dia dah keluar dari system, janganlah nak visit area sensitive tu lagi. Susah jugak masa nak lupakan orang tu...nak kata chenta sesangat...after series of unreasonable behaviour (yang betul2 unreasonable) yang me warrant kan dia tu ditinggal, chenta sudah tinggal sikit dan chenta sudah jadi chenta tahap lain. Tapi lain orang, lain kelebihannya. Kalau I nak compare dia dgn MC and dengan yang dah mati, orang putih ni sangat thoughtful. I memang tak pernah kena ignore dengan dia...and kalau ada masalah, sama-sama bercakap sampai sama-sama rasa tenang. Kalau I cakap dengan dia, I sedih...mulalah dia pun nak sedih sama tanya..kenapa..kenapa..sampailah I rasa tak berapa nak sedih.

Cuba bagitau si arwah tu dengan MC, ahh, you sedih? Laa..jangan sedih2...ceria-ceria selalu. Erkk...macamlah kesedihan tu satu hobi kannn?

Yes, its true that we can be blinded by love. But becoming a perfectionist wouldn't help either. Just because orang ni tak macam ni, kita nak angkat kaki. Things are not easy when we are not geographically near. Things get even difficult when the other one bukannya bangsa nak bagi tahu you benda yang you nak dengar.

Bebaru ni masa Xmas party, Boss I tanya..macam mana you dengan dia? I cakap..okay lahhh....habis nak cakap apalah kan? Tak kan nak cakap..eh, dah lama nya tak jumpa hatta dalam skype sekalipun sebab memasing busy (and dia tu pulak bukannya bangsa berkorban apa saja..waktu tidur ataupun nyawa) Tu belum lagi orang tanya..bila dia nak datang visit you? You dah galak kali pulak visit dia...well, what can I say bila orang tu bukannya macam I yang daredevil, besok pagi nak fly malam baru nak cari passport? I have live and go out with the like of MC well enough to know yang mereka-mereka ni set-set yang 'I'll do it, not because you asked me..but when I am ready'. If I want...memang molek sangat lah nak dijadikan punca gaduh dan alasan untuk ku jalannn...

So I decided, I dah malas nak tanya. Malas nak harap. Dah le seriknya duduk jauh tak dapat jumpa, so buat apalah nak menghabiskan masa lapang dengan berpanas hati?

Secara dasarnya (or is it a reality yang aku tak nampak-nampak) perhubungan ini macam sehala saja. Sadness is hard to hide from one's face. Mulalah ada yang bagi cadangan...why don't you buat cam ni..and why don't you carilah orang-orang yang tak menyakitkan hati you.

Whilst I appreciate all that..I think, we must acknowledge the fact that we know the devil we're with. I have opinions of other people's relationship too...ada yang nampak macam dead end lah..ada yang kena guna lah..taken for granted lah...macam macam. But, kita tak hidup dengan orang tu. One person perangai huduh is another person way to understand him/her.

I ni kuat merajuk. Kuaatttttttt sangat tau...and I must be a nightmare to be with.

It must be hard listening to others disapproval of your choices. You can't win with your family and your friends. We are expected not to moan but to singing praises for our partners. Sometimes we really ran out of praises to sing.

We are not talking domestic physical abuse or partner kita tu terajang/rogol anak-anak kita. Kalau tu kita kata kita masih chenta, memang lah kita gila. What is love when hideous attitude is involved? I ada jugak dengar cerita kawan yang kena pulau because she took husband sides yang menyampah gila dengan keluarganya. Orang yang nampak akan cakap lah..sanggup dia buang family nya. Tapi adakah kita tahu apa puncanya? Buatnya family macam pariah jugak...tak ke patut dibuat dek saja? (Okay not suggesting you buang sedara mara you..tapi, kalau yang buruk, tak kan nak ikut kann?)

Bila orang cakap pasal MC kat I...(padahal orang tu cakap sebab I lah dok selalu komplen kann?) I rasa macam terkedu pun ada. None of my close friends suka si dah mati tu. Rata-ratanya cakap..oh you can do better. He never call, he always forget...he is way too selfish. Ish..bukannya I tak tau. Masa dengan F dulu..yang langsung tak suka dengan dia tu jangan cakap la ramai nya.

But, no one knows that these three have their own special ways of making me happy. Tak lah banyak mana...but there's only happiness that only a spouse can give :) ----Kiah, I am not talking aksi ganas ye...

We don't always like what we hear and what we see. But is sure comfort to know that you have someone around you who will not judge and what matters to them is knowing that you're happy...although your definition of happiness tu adalah macam cinabeng. I remember when MC was seeing someone else back then...how unhappy, how abusive. And I keep saying the same thing....I want you to be happy. That is important for me. Takde pulak I suruh dia ditch orang tu...

If we care, if we love..if we genuinely want to see people happy.... just make them happy. However disapproving. They will see sense and will thank you for just being there for them...when they need you (and not your opinion or approval)

Happy Ivy

MC bbmessaged me this morning. Our ex boss died. None of us know the actual cause but judging from her FB picture diaries and notes, I told MC I think she may had lung cancer. And she did. She died after a month being discharged from UMC. I recalled her last message to us on her FB wall, she said her 'lights' is fading. True enough, it died today.

I wasn't planning on talking to MC today. Bengang punya pasal...but after the news, we resume chatting. Emosi lah sikit...the news of any death will only remind you that it could be you next. Insaf lah kann...

I did some counselling work in palliative care sometimes ago. But I opted out because it is really distressful. Mind you, I work with the learning disabled who has no concept of illness, let alone dying. Often they wonder why are they ill and why are their visitors crying. To talk them into agreeing to undergo chemotherapy, neeedles interception and the painful lot are hard. I find myself making false promises all the time. Just one off..it is not painful etc, etc..and all I can hear after that is them crying and asking me to take them away from the pain. I cried a river...everyday.

To me, their only consolation is that, they faced their death unknowingly. So to say, they were spared the fear.

We read about cancer patient journey to fight their illness. Some survived, some didn't. Some recover and live happy ever after, some recover but cancer strikes again in remission and lost it.

To me, those who lived through their borrowed time...and planned, are lucky. I am not directly saying that you're lucky you got cancer but you're lucky in the sense that you are given time to enjoy, to show love and to seek forgiveness and most of all, preparing to die.

I have more compassion for those who is left behind untimely. It must be hard not knowing. I said to those who were affected by the death of their loved ones of cancer, to count their blessings that the deceased and them somehow managed a parting moment. Most cancer patient are lucky that in the face of adversity, they somehow managed to secure happiness before their eyes shut indefinitely.

Rest in peace, Ivy Wong...my friend. I will always remember the unique you.

Mari Berjoget & Bercerai

Bila kita tengok orang dok ngomplen pasal kurangnya dia mendapat perhatian dan layanan sewajarnya dari pihak-pihak yang patut memberi layanan, sepantas Doraemon kita akan berkata...tinggalkan ajelah syaitonn ittew. Buat apa nak menyusahkan batin.



Kita manusia ni digalakkan bersabar...sampai ketahap kita boleh bersabar. Kalau tak boleh sabar, maka seperti yang kita baca dalam sokabar, cerai sana sini situ sitot. Pastu..mulalahhhh menyalahkan rancangan mari berjoget lambak tu kan?



When people got divorce, they often quote..ohh, we want different things now. Padahal masa berdating tu takdelah pulak buat debate I nak ni and you nak tu. Marriage is suppose to be a continuation of acara dating-dating...and hopefully, after dating berdua, maka berderetlah yang akan di produce untuk dibawak dating bersama.



I don't quite understand why people say..ohh we want different things in life now. Is that a polite way to say we don't fancy the pant of our partner anymore? Ye lah kan...takkan lah kau mahu kereta CRV dan aku mahu BMW boleh jadi sebab bercerai kot? If aku mahu Pasah Sandak and bukan Norak Danish Pastry, tu barulah sebab concrete nya nak bercerai berai kann, Rizal? You tuu...dari dulu can't make your mind up. The only thing you're certain in life is what car you want to drive...macamlaaa kitorang tatau..hehehe.



I suppose, there will be times when we faced difficulties and we rasa amatlah tak tahan and nak blah masa tu jugak. We got upset, we lashed out at different people, we hate the feeling we're feeling and all thanks to sidia yang sepatutnya menjadi object of our affection. I think when we enter into a relationship, this are the person we think, we feel and we know that we can't live without.



Ada orang tanya I pasal kes mari berjoget tu punya hal. Aiyaa...I tak pernah tengok pun program tu but of course lah, kalau kat Msia, kenalah berjoget dengan laki/bini kita kan? Joget is a teamwork...sebab kalau yang program kat sini nya, it requires full blown training...always in his/her face. So adegan panas hati memang tetap akan ada...pasal tu lah tak ada orang pompuan nak belajar bawak keta dengan laki mereka.

I suppose, alangkan kita yang belum kawin ni agaknya kalau ngadap muka dopopat jam pun boleh rasa nak membunuh...apatah lagi those yang dah kawin yang dah memang takde tempat lain nak pergi selain dari rumah sendiri dan mau tak mau terpaksa gak ngadap muka orang tu walaupun hati tengah panas. Selalunya bila dah dalam confine spaces ni, benda yang menyakitkan hati, although bearable..yang selama ni kita tak nak amik pot sebab kita rasa remeh..akan jadi Krakatoa.

But I'm sure...adalah sebabnya yang sampai tak boleh tahan tu. Ingat ye, cerai berai break up ni..walaupun diorang ni kata persetujuan bersama..(persetujuan bersama tahik kucen) adalah sebenarnya keputusan satu pihak dan pihak lain is leave with no choice. Ye lah, kalau laki kita dah gatal benar nak kawin dgn orang lain or dah tak nak lagi kat kita, merayu lah...tengok la boleh tahan ke tidak.

Gitu lah.

Note To Self

This is a note to myself. So harapan nya, janganlah ada orang ingat I pi tulis pasal dia pulak. Seingat I, ada jugak 2,3 puak yang terasa tulisan I mengata dia and merasa yang I buat entry tu khusus nak cakap pasal dia.

Dulu masa ada kes gaduh-gaduh puak UK and UAE, ada jugak I buat entry nak tegur si puak UK tu. But nak tegur in general saja...sebab ketidakpuasan hati orang UK dan UAE tu merebak-rebak sampai I yang takde masa nak jumpa orang ni pun macam terbabit sama. Ye lah...orang UK itu orang terpelajar dan to me, tidak menggunakan kepandaiannya dengan betul dan hasilnya, dia tu nampak macam orang jahat dan bodoh padahal yang sah-sah bodohnya orang lain. But having said all this, kalau kita bodoh, kita belajarlah dan betulkan lah kesilapan kita. I pun terasa bodoh juga melibatkan diri...dan pengajarannya, lepas pada tu...I memang berhati-hati betul nak terima salam-salam ukhuwah dari sesiapa. Takpelahhh..tak ramai kawan pun, tak mati kann, Kiah?

I ni bukannya pandai nak berkawan. Nak keep in touch in regular hours pun susah. But good friends are in my thoughts. I ni ada jugak perangai yang potentially orang tak akan suka...so untuk mengelakkan kejadian tarik-tarik rambut dibelakang hari, kalau I rasa you ada potensi untuk bagi I masalah, I akan membuat tembok disekeliling I untuk you. I am not a good judge of character so process nak kenal adalah mengambil masa juga. Ada orang I jumpa sekali terus I suka. Terus boleh kawan and terus boleh ngam gitu.

Sometimes, how we write and speak, represent our character. I don't know how some of you make of me, after reading me and after meeting me. I'm sure some of you rasa Makji who write this and Makji who you picked up from tepi jalan is two different person.

Ada orang yang I baca blog dia and rasa macam tak boleh nak serasi. Bila jumpa...pun rasa serupa juga. General observation pulak, nampak gaya dia macam set-set yang tak boleh nak bawak diri. Maybe dia boleh ngam dengan orang lain lah...and bukan dengan I. I ni bangsa tak boleh nak gel dengan set-set Diva Tak Jadi ni.

My tongue can be sharp as an arrow but that will depend on how people want to take it. Nak kata dah lama hidup dan makan garam tidak juga. Some of you traced me in FB and was declined. Ada yang graceful cakap...ye lah, you faham kenapa I sedikit berat hati. Ada pulak yang menjawab macam lahanat...like..okay lah, its your choice. Wehh...memanglah I punya choice. You lupa ke siapa request friend siapa? Ni namanya, nak nampak cool tapi tersirat sakit hatinya di reject.

I like to go on about terimalah kekurangan and kelebihan orang. Ni lah kekurangan I...social skill paras beku. But it helps kalau you pun jalan jejak tanah. Macam hari ni tadi kat office, I tegur budak IT tu. Dia ni nak come across friendly la...tapi bila I call mintak tolong resetkan password email, dia telah berlagak diva dengan bercakap dgn I menggunakan jargon-jargon IT yang aku sepatah haram pun tak paham. Then I cakap...sorrylah I takleh nak explain kat you apa yang silap mengikut bahasa you and I cakap, tak apa kalau you rasa susah sangat nak paham I, biarlah I pakai email manual yang slow cam siput tu. I cakap dengan dia, I malas nak panjang2 kan masalah ni pasal I rasa you dah memperlekehkan masalah I. Terus I letak phone. Pastu Boss dia call I, tanya..apa masalah you Makji? I pun explain lagi...terang2 I cakap, kalau lah I tahu apa masalahnya email account I, you rasa I akan call menyusahkan you ke? I cakap dengan Boss IT tu, you kena ingat, you all tu kerja helpdesk..maknanya you all kenalah tolong orang tak pandai macam I ni. Orang yang memintak tolong selalunya ada anxiety mereka sendiri so the Diva and macam pandai attitude will not help kan???

Ohh..I sure don't know where this is heading. Hari ini adalah hari bengang sedunia.

Update

Okay. I thought I respond to this email sent by this cuteguy. Nak mintak nasihat katanya. I always thought that when you're blessed with good looks, you will have tonnes of peminats at your feet. So cuteguy....sorry I am not able to write to you privately but read on. I'm sure ramai jugak jejaka-jejaka cute macam you ada masalah jugak.

So cuteguy kata, he has been quite unlucky in love. How many times, tak lah pulak you disclosed. But I think if you have had so many unfruitful encounter, let's just start re assessing you than submitting to the unkind universe have been to you. It takes you and the other person. There's always two decision in a break up. It is either orang tak suka you or you tak suka orang tu. Tak kisahlah mana-mana but one of yours make the relationship ends.

I ni tidaklah expert bab chenta-chenta ni. I don't get to 'experience' with many people pun...maklum lah, tak lawa.

So you kata your relationship ended recently, with the love of your live.And you want to know the effective way to move on. Didn't you know that already after many,many break ups? Hehehe...I bet this must have hurt you the most that you needed help to get him out of your system yeah?

I think, I think...lah, the strength of same sex relationship is about how committed you are to each other. What else can keep you together? I suppose, most heterosexual relationship saves itself dengan adanya anak-anak untuk dipikir masa depannya and the fact that most couples malas nak start afresh. Unless laki/bini masing-masing you tu memang dah patut dicampak laut, kalau boleh tahan..tahanlah kannn? Chenta 35% and sustainability factor hidup bersama with high amount of tolerant, 65%...and only death will part you two.

So if your break up affects you, I am guessing that your love is at its height...but orang tu tak reciprocate. And I do admire the fact that you intend to move on positively and not wasting time moping and bitching about him. Bitterness is bad for mental health, I tell you.

So, in the spirit of pulling yourself together....why don't you

Reassess how you look at people and how you look at life in general. I'm thinking more of...yelah, bila benda yang kita nak tak dapat, bila kita kena dump etc etc, best is always look at what may have we done wrong. Are we too demanding? Are we too petty? Can we not let go of the smallest thing that didn't even matter to us? Is the argument in your previous relationship is your healthiest way of ironing out your burning issue together or is it just you simply trying to prove a point? Iyalah..kadang2 kita ni selalu bertengkar pasal ketakpuasan hati kita...but dalam satu satu hubungan tu, kita sorang je ke yang tak puas hati nya? New relationship is often use as a practise for one not to repeat their past mistakes that drove previous partners away. But being extra too cautious pun tak guna juga...because at the expense of being too careful, you might lose sight of your real self. Kalau you tu bangsa selfish tak hengat and you fortunate enough to realised it, then your next step is to try to be more considerate and thoughtful. Mind you, old habit die hard...but love make you do all sorts of thing....termasuklah mengubah perangai puaka yang sedia ada.

2nd ly,hold no grudge. Somebody told me, hadek-hadek diva ni kenkadang, when they hold a grudge, there is no forgetting it. Someone could have rampas boipren you...or tayang his new Armani at you 5 donkey years ago is forever blacklisted dan tajuk utama process menganyam ketupat.If you get dump or if your partner can't make his mind (or his other mind) up whether he wants you or his imagination boifren, don't waste your breath launching bithchy tirades that eventually will make you look like the hard up one. So what if that rice queen is better 'make up' than you? Take it all in...and breathe out. You will feel lot better.

Lastly, since most of your relationship is cyber based to begin with, trying going cold turkey and swap all that for all real conversation. All those social networking site is indeed a great ways to feel like we have a social life without ever have to leave home.Face to face conversation is better and the person you're talking to can see the real you. Stop hiding behind the ubiquitous and try the more genuine things...for a change.

But I can be completely wrong...hmm, you should have gone to a gay man blog instead. They might give you useful tips.

Is This Self-Pity???

Hari ni kannnn....I terkenang kat the-one-yang-dah-mati tu....iskk, tatau lah apasal. Since I berhijrah datang ke sini (selepas incident ku tahu bininya mengandung walaupun gigih dia mempropah-ganda kan kat I masa tu yang mereka punya marriage dah nyenyawa kopok ikan) I decided to no longer keep anything that will remind me of him. Even his Man U shirt pun I dah buang...gambar dah langsung takde. Habis-habis semua dah masuk lori MPSJ. (ke MPPJ masa tu?)

Banyak betul moral issue masa tu. Walaupun katanya dia nak bercerai, officially dia tu laki orang. That made me the other woman. Walaupun I ni pompuan yang diajaknya kawin depan mak nya, reality is, bukan nama aku yang dalam surat nikah dia tu. By the time people close to me finds out about who I was going out with, the word 'laki orang' naik mencanak dulu. Kemarahan Appa masa tu, jangan cakap lahh kann...dah le anak nya ni set-set pendiam dan tak pernah menimbulkan masalah, tetiba..tahu-tahu, berkawan dengan laki orang??? Wahh....marahnya dia masa tu.

That was the time for me yang I pun cakap dengan diri I, enough is enough. (Tapi..time-time ni la jugak I dah start ber scandal dengan MC, yang juga tidak kurang scandalous nya ittew.hihihi) But none of that was working. I was really hanging by threads. My work was at its prime. I had everthing. The only thing missing was the one that I really love.

I kan tengah ber mood 'mmmmm tengoklah' dengan MC sekarang ni, so masa nilah selalunya ke vulnerability an I sungguh terserlah and I can go on feeling sorry for myself, tanpa ada orang tahu pun. Biasalah....orang tak ramai peminat macam I ni, kalau merajuk, siapalah yang perasan kann?

With MC, I now realised that merajuk dengan dia, tak kan adanya membawa hasil. Pasalnya..most time, dia tak akan perasan pun I ni merajuk and kalaulah dia perasan, dia akan buat tak tahu...until the next time dia bercakap dengan I dengan komen yang paling tak sensitive like..you sudahlah nak upset-upset ni. Wah, cenggitu ke menunjukkan kasih sayang kat gilpren yang jauh dimata ni? Tak pun dia akan cakap..you dah okay dah? Kalau tak okay, nantilah kita sembang..let me know bila you dah okay ye...babai..I nak gi main pool. Shialll sungguh kan? kan? kan?

But, ni lah dia nya orang aku chenta. So..until kepala I terhantuk kat bucu katil dan tersedar betapa huduh nya perangai dia...maka orang ini lah yang akan ku visit bila adanya masa dan duit yang terluang.

Why was I thinking about the-one-yang-dah-mati then? Pasalnya..dua-dua tu macam serupa aje perangai nya. Dua-duanya berkarekter artis popular bangsa jalan tak jejak bumi ni. Sepanjang and selama I berkawan dengan kedua-dua nya, I belum pernah lagi lah bergaduh..I'm not sure if kecik ati tak bertegur sapa can be classified as pergaduhan domestic. Oh, kalau yang tu, selalu laa...alike Kiah, I selalu tulis surat kat yang dah mati tu, meluahkan ketakpuasan hati. Nak cakap direct, we hardly see each other pun. I dedolu bukan macam I sekarang...I dedolu memang typical MCS yang menyimpan semua dalam hati..pastu lariiiii tak pandang-pandang belakang. Masa tu, I belum ada kepandaian untuk counter menjawab bila samdol tu cakap..apa masalahnya..siap dengan muka-muka tak bersalahnya, as if dia lupa dia telah melakukan kesalahan besar and conveniently make me look aku la yang macam pencari pasal yang berwibawa.

So, logic ke nak bergaduh dengan orang macam tu? Pouring my heart out through a letter was my only best option to get my message across to him. So that saves him from adegan buat-buat lupa and adegan mengelat yang sungguhlah dia pakar. I did that to MC too...but nothing has change. Ni cerita dedolu.

MC is still alive and I got the chance to ask and to tell betapa, adakalanya perangai huduhnya adalah menyakitkan hati. But I'm not sure if this is a tactic or somekind of a clever strategy where dia akan diammmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm saja.

Bila dia diam.....apa lagi yang boleh kukata kan??? Ku pun diammmm jugaklah kannn?

Before I always wonder what its like...if I do fight for my love for the dah mati, and melayan email-email chenta nya mengajak ku kembali tu. But besides their perangai huduh, both got good heart. I know the one yang dah mati had a hostile relationship with his ex wife, so is MC with the exes.

We always want things that we think other people have. We think that other happy couples have perfect relationships. Kita tengok lakibini jalan pegang-pegang tangan gelak-gelak gatal bersama, kita ni yang gersang kasih sayang mahukan yang macam tu jugak. Because of this made up expectation...kita pun rasa partner kita kenalah macam tu jugak. We forget that human in itself is complex and cause complexity. We are different with one another...and having said that, we express ourself differently. For all this, I am always fogiving. Kiranya, I understand their complexity and resigned to the fact that I am loved by them in their own special way...(kununnn..idok lah sepesiallll mana pun rasanya..)

But I am sad. Here I am making excuses...or maybe trying to understand them underneath, and why...why was and why is it so difficult for them to make me feel that, for once..I am all that matter??? Why does it have to be me to be the one who is emotinally considerate?

Tak sayanggg kah mereka-mereka ni kat I????

Update

I always don't understand why........

1. You think it is okay to just ignore me. I don't mean the 'ignoring' facial expression tau. You don't talk. If we live in the same house is okay lah..because I then tahu you tak nak kena kacau ke..tengah bongkang ke etc, etc. But you can just gone the whole day without letting me know anything. Ke, you dah mati????

2. Say you're in a relationship with someone....to me and to anyone I know is about two person liking each other extra bit too much from their liking to anyone else. People in a relationship always have thought of each other when they gets up and before they go to bed. Masa mula-mula...exhibition perasaan memang lebih macam nasik mamak. After 5 years of more..from nasik mamak jadi nasik separuh. And after many,many years...people just avoid makan nasik nak jaga badan kononnya. But why? I think I have passed the stage of mintak telephone or di ucap kata-kata chenta 24jam. Well, in my case...jumpa pun beberapa bulan sekali. Kalau I tak rajin, maka tak jumpa lah kannn? (This is so another story) But why do you think it is okay to show love when you feel like it? Do you think it is just because we haven't got rid of each other is enough indication that we still love each other?

3. Loving someone is for better and for worse. Warts and all. Jerawat batu, bisul, ghastly flatulence (not our case la yang teruk-teruk ni kannn?) But why is it when you're sakit perut, you're so moody and forgot that I exist? Must I say bukan time you sakit perut aje tau...yang herannya kalau sakit lain yang memerlukan you mintak bantuan I tu, baik ngengada nyeng nyeng pulak you kan?

4. You never once wish me happy birthday. I asked you about it. You only say you do remember the date. I pushed my luck and asked for present in advance for next year. As my lover..you only said...mmmm tengok lah. Am I suppose to hope 'mmmm tengoklah' adalah barangan berupa beg tote PRADA ataupun ticket perchottian ke Bali, all paid for by you? But again, I told myself, we have known each other for almost 17 years. Never once I get anything. The only thing...if this is sweet...you said, you (dia la tu..bukannya I) are my present. I thought that was hillarious but you feel that I should have seen that my present...literally. Am I suppose to think that you're somekind of cheapskate, or am I not so valuable to you yang besday pezen I pun you taknak kasi...or you memang mengamalkan konsep, besday I you beli pezen...besday you...you beli pezen untuk I. Ke guane?

Now, I am definitely in 'mmmmmm tengoklah' mood.