About Me

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Aftermath

Perlukah I cerita kat you all pasal my 'garden leave' itu hari? Sedeyyy tawww....pasal nya first time in my 35 years of age and first time in this kunun nya meaningful career, I was gravely depressed.

CPB called me last Friday at 4pm, after her meeting with the Safeguarding Adult Committee and deliver the verdict.And I am supposed to be happy and relieved...was I?

Yes, I was relieved, maybe because if I was found guilty, I could lose my job and possibly being subjected tah hapa-hapa lagi safety protocol.

But no, I was not happy. In fact, I cried half way in my conversation with CPB.This is such a big thing...pasalnya, I never cry.

On the 8th, CPB called me...I think it was 5pm and I am still at work.CPB dengan terketar-ketarnya, Makji Esah...please be calm.I want you to go home now...I have to suspend you from duty pending investigation.

I have a delayed reaction...after a while barulah I start terpinga-pinga.Because I was so busy, I did not take in all the info but CPB want me to leave my office immediately.After 2 hours I finally left the work premises.I texted CPB, apologised for taking such a long time to get out but I can't just leave work like that.

I was in the dark for almost a week of what I supposed to have done that is resulting in my suspension.I stayed at MB's for couple of days because I do not have the energy to travel up to North London with kepala ku yang bengong-bengong kedak ya.I was in bed most of the time, feeling very confused.

Confusion lead to something awful that I am now finding trouble to even admit it.I was suicidal.Not in a way nak terjun bangunan or anything yang menyakitkan nyawa.But dalam ting-tong ting-tong Tooting tu, inadvertantly I thought 'things will be a lot easier if I am dead'. Yep you all...that is also consider 'suicidal'. That obviously reduced me to another deep depression...I am a Muslim, however hard my life is, I should have never ever consider ending it.

I was called for a investigatory meeting...I was asked 88 questions by CPB, another Locality Manager and a HR person.The meeting lasted for 4 hours. MB waited for me and bawak I pergi makan Curry Laksa after that.***Note: Walaupun I selalu bergaduh dengan MB macam kucing rumah and kucing rumah sebelah, kalaulah tak ada MB yang memujuk and menyuruh I bersabar, mau rasanya I terpengsan di tengah-tengah jalan.I may not be so lucky in love and other things, but I must tell you, I have the bestest of friend***

The board meeting told me that they will contact me in a week.The 2nd week of agony really takes it toll of my health.My heart felt so weak.I was with F who tirelessly tried to cheer me up. I went out for a walk to get a fresh air but I was so glued in my bed (and self pity). One day that week, I went out to get my father a birthday card.F said, mata I nampak macam basah-basah and said, I should cry if feel like to.But I just didn't.

Sending father the birthday card, make me wonder the pain I put him through. He is worried about me, being alone here. Mother said that we should never make him worry because he can't cope with worry.For the last 10 years that is what I did. I made him worry.I imagine what I am feeling at that time, with my gradually weakened heart to the pain I caused my father. I am still young (maybe healthier) but my father? Why did I do this to him?

Today is my first day back at work.Everything stays the same. I was in the meeting earlier with CPB and she dropped me off to work.I locked myself in the office all the time and asked my colleague to take messages.I need to get re acquianted with my work and most of all, my confidence.

For sure, this work is not everything anymore.It is just the money.And I can't wait to see my family.

6 comments:

Manal said...

Sungguh laaa Jauh Di Rindu kan...??

I doakan for ur good physical and mental health. In conjunction with this blessing month Ramadhan, maybe its high time u let it out to God sampai basah ur telekung. It shud be a great relieve when only God knows whats best for us....
Incidentally that was also how my christian catholic frens used to do and told me to do the same. Talk to god, offer him prayers and Only He the Almighty who gives u signs to help guide u to the right path.

Some expat muslim told me he rather be in msia for ramadhan than in his resident country US. So makji, prolly those days u manage to catch ur fast here in malaysia will remedy whatever damages u had inflicted on urself as a result of all those job stresses. Or at least, it leaves ur head clearer (so as ur vision). He Knows Best!

Skian dari Ustazah Dr. Hajjah Alfa-lady al-fadhilah Manal Ismail (and bercakap nada dr.fatma azzahraa)

captainlukman said...

sabarya makji.........

siang plok ke uols, jgn sampai buat bunuh diri, mujurlah ada MB kan........

Anonymous said...

salam hjh esah,

Sorry to hear that you've gone through such a rough time...at the same time, good to know u're recovering, although things seem different these days....semoga you find comfort in ur close friends; given u're alone there....i pray for you and hopefully you'll find ur confidence back .... take this as a ujian from DIA yang lebih mengetahui..take care dear...

-ina

dak wan ... said...

Sabarlah ya makji. Allah hanya menguji hambaNya yang kuat.

Salam ramadhan!

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Terima kasih semua....semoga allah membalas kebaikan kamu semua...yay!

Anonymous said...

banyak2kan bersabar dan ingat Allah ye makji...ni semua dugaan dalam kehidupan, kalau tak de dugaan ni semua life mesti bosang gitu...so sabar ye dan cheer up, tak lamo laie ekau dapek la jumpo mak abah kek kampung...

yatie