So Long Fat Ass...

JT telephoned me while I'm on my way to CPN meeting today.Because I was already in the Hospital building and sebelum aku kena tegur dengan segala macam security, I answered the call quickly promising that I'll call him back after the meeting.

Meeting overran and I only came out hours later and macam biasa, janji manismu nak telephone balik tidaklah dapat dikotakan. Not only tak mengotakan janji nak telepon, I had my mobile phone switched off until MB called my opis to remind me.

So, at 6pm...when the mobile phone is switched on...masuklah 3 text messages.

Love, I'm waiting for your call....daaaa. (irkkkkk)

Don't make me wait any longer. Please call, you promised.

BITCH!!!!

Hek elehhhhh......apa ke hal nya ni?

I was agonising for couple of hours whether or not I should reply his text messages or call him.Well, takdelah 3 jam pikir pasal tu kan...macam lah aku ni free. But in between tu pikir, si Debab ni agaknya kepala hotak dia diam kat kepala butuh kot...that he is so over himself, talking to me like that.

Just because aku layan minum kopi, terus badannya yang berat macam baja kompos tu macam terbang diawang-awangan.

I can write all the horrible things here, but you know...I'm not bothered.

Enough is enough.

Entry Tak Perlu

I was struggling with this post. Mana taknya...dah 3 minggu kerja tak berhenti-henti.But I came back from work feeling so angry today.

The company ada satu unit for Substance Misuse kat NW London nun...area orang tak nak pergi tu.Area ni bolehlah disamakan dengan kilang kicap or botol kicap, dimana kehidupan dipenuhi kegelapan dan takde langsung cahaya-cahaya keimanan or kebenaran.3 hari lepas, this American girl, training as a Behaviour Tutor with us, terus hantar surat mintak tukar ke area-area yang sedikit civilised.Katanya, she came from a different country and macam tak biasalah dengan culture kat Harlesden ni. Aku yang mendengar macam nak muntah.Bukan apa you all, kalau lah si Makcik ni datang dari Singapore ke, Taman Tun ke yang tak biasa dengan unsur-unsur keganasan melampau tu lainlah jugak kan? Ni tak...she came from USA yang pistol boleh dapat seposen 3, lagi nak kata tak biasa dengan rough area.Podahh lah hang!!!

Tapi sebagai supervisor yang prihatin, I tetaplah...kununnya memahami keadaannya.Tapi dalam pada nak jadi understanding, sempat juak lah kamek meng offer opinion yang boleh tahan jugak lah kurang ajar nya.Senang aje you nak pakai technique ni...what we call a reflection technique bagi mengajar orang-orang yang mega selfish for them to listen to themselves, so that they all boleh nampak betapa unreasonable mereka-mereka itu.

I have a colleage that was demoted recently. Because I was asked to take over, I made it very clear to this Makcik that I'm there to work and that's it.But sebagai manusia biasa, dalam pada kerja, ada jugaklah cubaan menyibuk, korek sana korek sini.Like how she is feeling at this moment, apa aje ketidakpuasan hati.Makcik ni punyalah kechiwa diturunkan pangkat although Boss has made it very clear why she was demoted atas-atas sebab non-compliance of segala macam management instruction and operational failure.Makcik ni kata Boss takde hati perut, Boss kejam lah, Boss racist lah..(classic taww..orang hitam kat sini asal kena tegur aje, terus tuduh orang racist, padahal perangai cam puaka)

So I pun tanya...apasal pulak you kata Boss kejam?

I was given the job. I made changes in my life to suit the job.

What changes?

My husband is now working night. I can't do shift work anymore. Boss is taking away my job from me, affecting my money.

But you do know that you are only an acting supervisor.Furthermore you're on probation...knowing very well that if you don't meet the standard, this will be taken away from you.

But I have made plan.

When Boss made you the offer, can you remember what position did she offered you?

ACTING supervisor.

Meaning, you're only acting with no guarantee that you're going to be made permanent. It is a tentative position, right?

Hmmmm

You're only offered the ACTING position.Nothing is for sure.

Setelah berpuluh kali menyebut ACTING tu, barulah muka dia macam kemalu-maluan sikit.Tapi sekejap aje...macam nilah kalau dah tak sedah diri.Reflection technique berkuasa V-Tech pun tak kan jalan.But enough to give you (the reflector) the naughty sensation i.e. dapat menyakitkan hati orang.

So berbaliklah pada pompuan America tadi. Everytime dia merengek-rengek cam budak kecik, terus ku bagi satu das, dalam baik-baik pun.

I repeated what she said one by one.

You feel intimidated when out in the community when the patient, how others look at you and how the patient behave.Read; mental incapacity patient ye.Bukan patient luka kat lutut. Samalah macam Childminder gi komplen kat parents, I tak leh nak jaga anak you lagi..sebab hari ni tadi dia berak dalam seluar.Dei...ada akal tak? Budak kecik memanglah kencing/berak dalam seluar kan...tak nak nak tunggu mak bapak balik baru basuh.Kau yang tukang jaga, kau lah yang basuh...bodoh!!!

You feel that the people in the area is not right and that you want to be transferred to Richmond/Twickenham area and offer a remote service to the patient.So, basically, you are working with the patient but you want everything to suits you rather than them? Is like cakap dengan Boss, I nak jadi Manager, tapi boleh tak I datang kerja pukul 10, pastu balik kul 3 and bila kat office, dok masuk Facebook sokmo? Gila ke tak gila tu?

Duiiii....orang macam ni pun ada.

Something Is Wrong With Me...Chemically

Really. I can feel it in my bone.Experts say you must not sell yourself short, but ideally, would we rather have others notice the irregularities before we did?

When I call someone in my office, I usually fire away the list of standard questions and in between addlib (betul ke ngeja nya ni?) soklan-soklan tersendiri, depending how nosy and inquisitive my mood is for the day.After I finished with them, I then call my team and we discussed the person and the information I just gathered.Believe me, I do feel bad doing it...for a living.Imagine, you confide in someone, tell them things that for the life of you, you wouldn't tell anyone and hoping that the person that was listening not to spread that information out,let alone making judgements.

Me? Not only that I spread the words around (between my colleagues and YOU who reads), tak cukup dengan itu, siap kutuk, buat analisa sendiri and obviously,being human that I am...passing judgement tak tentu hala.Keji tak? Keji..sungguh keji.

As at today, I have been working for 16 days non-stop and more than 12 hours a day. It's a choice.Nobody made me but workload is just getting fat and fatter.On my way back from Weymouth, sempat pulak aku bercanda dipasiran pantai, minum kopi dengan si tembam tu.Must I say that he has lose a bit of weight? (Katanya...) He reckoned that punca dia membesar begitu sekali is because of his Teh Tarik consumption. But I told him that maybe because he lacked exercise.I don't think he is the type of guy who like bia-walking around town or padang-padang permainan, let alone ada gym membership.

He never stop saying 'too English lah you sekarang...' and me...apa yang English nya?' Well...that's my polite way of telling him udah-udah le guna chat up line like that.JT always come up with unflattering (to me laaa) chat up line.Maybe orang lain sukalah kena puja-puji (ye ke compliment?) like that, but being paranoid me lately ni, I can't help to get so many syak wasangka apa aje orang cakap. 2 days ago, I told my partner 'I think I'm fat'...and orang tu tengok-tengok 'Maybe you should exercise a bit more'. And aku dengar marahnya respond 'So do you really think I'm fat now'. Padahal, orang tu hanya menjawap in passing, takde pun cakap I ni dah debab...plainly meaning kalau kau rasa kau gemuk, kau exercise lah.Tapi aku pulak yang tetiba panas hati.

See...first indication, Paranoia terlebih-lebih. I can't blame it to time of the month anymore. Tak kan la..asal mood swing aje, salah period kan? In fact lately ni, tak period pun aku rasa paranoia semacam.

2ndly, social inclusion. I received messages everywhere...in my mobile inbox,email and facebook. I don't even bother to reply.In facebook, you can get away with poking your friends partly suggesting to them that you're thinking of them and still breathing.Otherwise, you can still be this gatal person who suka mencocok-cocok thinking that your friends is somekind of fish kat Pasar Besar Seremban tu.I keep telling myself that when I'm free, I'll revert.But takde nya.Any free time dihabiskan dengan tengok CSI and seeing banyaknya back stabber dalam office they all making me think that maybe I shouldn't trust easily.

3rdly, experiencing hallucinations and hearing voices.Some information that I am pre-morbidly aware of.I think I hallucinates things like

a) I thought I saw MB masak nasik goreng and I told her, 'Oi..boleh ka kitak goreng telur sekali and hidang kamek nasik goreng kinek tok?'. And nya madah...bila masa kamek goreng nasik ya? So kesimpulannya, I saw something that didn't happened.

b) Lately ni, aku berlari sakan mengejar bus. There was 2 times, I come off the train and I saw the bus that goes direct to my office and macam Marina Chin, aku pun berlari la sampai tercungap-cungap but when I reached the bus stop, the bus that I thought I saw either ghaib dari penglihatanku yang gersang ini or suddenly become a different bus.

I do not wish to start on hearing voices.There's a lot of miscommunication in the work place lately.Things that I thought have said, tapi sebenarnya tak berlaku.'No, you didn't say that...but I did'. Like that lah.

One pregnant woman think that I'm horny thus explains why I now have this weird thought in my head...like aksi-aski perlakuan seksual dengan Boss.Not only with Boss, with some other six packed baru habis praktis main rugby men as well.

But sorry, I now have to disagree. But I don't want to explore further in this subject being gadis pemaliewww that I am and that we, gadis-gadis pemalu terakhir should not be explicit on our bedroom thoughts.I think I'm just drawn closer to Boss and Boss being extra nice.And being the ever confused and complicated me, I bound to feel like terjatuh chenta with sesiapa pun, who treat me right. I once think that I jatuh chenta with this blogger yang kununnya trapped in loveless marriage, but after a while, setelah ku sedar diri yang chenta yang macam gini hanya akan menserabutkan kepala, not to mention takde makna, I slowly grew out of it.

I think to the extent of being unfaithful, we got to allow ourself to separate the reality and the emotion.Reality for someone, yes, aku ni dah berlaki, berbini, beranak bagai...so jgn lah nak berhanky-panky kat luar rumah.But we are very much affected by our emotions anyway.Reality is, partners can be a pebbles in the shoe, menyakitkan hati kadangkala...but until your feelings tell you otherwise, I don't think we will mind the ocassional prick so much. We find our own comfort drowning in our own emotion.Not realistic but just a plain comfort.There's nothing wrong with having dreams,explicit thoughts...like lari dengan laki orang or fucking your office mate blind under the desk.I certainly don't call that unfaithful.It is just a mere comfort and most probably we can't get from the partner.

But please, I'm not putting ideas in your head now.I now worry that I may have signs of chemical imbalances, the classic cause for every accute mental illness in this earth.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh......

Happy Easter

Note. I bukan malas nak update...fact is, I'm reeling from the frustration of not being able to.See, I need to write to let out.Like orang ittew, this is the only channel for me to air my laundry...clean and dirty.

Yes, I was working over Easter.Money is good, but that was not the reason.Working on both bank holidays (Good Friday & Easter Monday) will pay for my direct flight fare to KUL without even touching my net pay.So, I will not complaint.Boss is going to Spain for holiday.Before dia berambus pergi Spain, sempat pulak dia suruh I suspend one of my support worker from duty,pending investigation.So, that left the unit short staffed.So yang kena kerja nya aku...

But in this post, I decided that enough rambling about work.Cara aku mengomplen macam aku sorang ajelah dalam dunia ni yang busy and miserable.My life is so uninteresting...I don't go places,I don't shop hence takdelah benda-benda nak ditayang...

Selepas puas si Tua tu ku kutuk dan sumpah, we decided to give the relationship another go.Too much is at stake but I have decided,kalau hati ni masih boleh bersabar,sabarlah.After all,when I think about it,I can still very much do what I want to do.I am at work MOST of the time.I'm not a perfect partner in many,many ways.A colleague asked me today if I ever wanted children.Without a tinge of hesitation,dengan bongkak nya I said NO.I can't look after myself,I'm too selfish and I developed penyakit pelupa besar nowadays that I know one day my child will suffer...ada ke emak lupa yang dia ada anak? Adaaaa.....siapa? Ala...Hjh Esah la...dia hantar anak dia gi nursery in 2009, sekarang dah 2020 pun lupa nak ambik...boley? So kepada sesiapa yang ada anak...kalau setakat nak jadik godmother beli hadiah, bawak jenjalan..itu boleh.Nak commit 24 jam and a lifetime...acik mintak mahap la yo....

So, NO.I'm not going to talk about F either here.Ni masing-masing tengah mood baik...trading phone calls maybe 4,5 times a day.Tapi kalau temperature dah start naik...mau berbulan tak bercakap!!!

Bila dah ber partnerkan orang putih ni...or shall I be more precise, ber partnerkan orang kapir ni...maka,tak banyak sikit, kenalah acknowledge segala perayaan kapir ni kan? We did spend Easter together and bought each other Easter Egg, walaupun kesudahannya, habis telur ceklat ku digasak oleh sidaknya yang buruk siku...bagi I, tapi dia yang makan.Apo makno eh tu?

F suggested that I watch this program in BBC about Jesus, the crucification and the later ressurrection.See, what do I know about the Easter celebration apart from beli Easter egg? Yeelek!!!

So I watched the program.The whole episode of 'Passion'.About Jesus and his decipher,how they went around preaching, annoys the Roman,got himself crucified and rise above to heaven.Little that I know, from there developes the Christians and the Roman later become the Roman Catholic and the Hebrew remain their Judaism.

I realised that there's a lot of things I don't know and history about all the religion in this world is all very unique.People do struggle to spread good things.Make me wonder that after many years, people still kill/disagree about each other choice of faith.

Nevertheless, Happy Easter. (Matilaaa dah basi)

Panic Button

Today is Monday. As promised, I agreed to go to Weymouth to meet with client B,G and Z who will be admitting in our facility in Dorset.G is a convicted sex offender and B and Z, is an avid drug user. All diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia.

Boss promised that this will be the most 3 days work and then I'll be free to return to London. But I know 3 days is janji palsu semata-mata.Settling a newly-discharged secure unit in-patient in a new environment is a hard work.I don't know why NHS don't want to pay a qualified Occupational Therapist to do this work.

I have carefully planned that I will at least try to settle the sex offender's first, as the risk of him being vulnerable to others is greater.See, while we all may think that sexual predator is the ganas one, my findings always tell me otherwise.Tuhan ajelah yang tahu if they all ni berlakon.

This will be an interesting journey for me for the next couple of days.

I must tell you this. I always get to meet the 'psycho maut' people. You can tell from their eyes and they are all often very scarry. I always fear that one day I might ended up badly beaten up by this people, who knows if I tread wrongly.One day in a admission meeting, this woman threaten to slit my throat and had to be restrained.I was shaken and she was very near and our eyes met.Suddenly I remember that once upon a time, I was so scared of a neigbour's dog that followed me back from my kelas mengaji.My brother keep whispering 'jangan lari..jangan lari...' but he ran away leaving me behind.That left me with no choice but to read what my father taught me.

Like the stupid dog, this manic woman went flat.I don't know what surah that ayat is from, but enough to keep me safe in all manic situation.

So, ingatlah..bila nampak anjing or orang gila..silalah baca 'Summum Bukmumm' tu ye....

Entry Sewel

This was written on Sunday 16th of March.Tapi lupa nak publish.I must warned to you who is reading this that I have not been functioning like any other normal working person. Apparently, I have been working night and day, only ever have some free time to eat, sleep,doing a bit of laundry and watching CSI.

I keep ignoring Facebook request (plus...I must admit, I really tak reti when people sent me all kind of notification and request...alaaa, hantar message aje lah, takyah lah nak suruh I buat quiz ke bagai, susah lah babe)

I have to attend 12 discharge meeting in one week. All schizophrenic case. All is set to live in the community. Boss asked me to come up with some relapse prevention plan and due to some foreseeable risk, I have to work closely with the Community Police. At the end of the day, I am dead knackered. For this, I thank god, I don't have laki or anak. Mampus kena cerai, mampus anak kebulur...and jangan merasalah nak jadik Tokoh Maal Hijrah ke or Tokoh Ibu Mithali. Tak kan ada nya...

Next couple of day, I will be send away to a place called Weymouth, down south.Boss yang suruh.Lately ni, I feel compelled to do what ever Boss asked me to do.Tanpa bantahan lak tu.Why lah? I sudah syiok kat Boss ke? Eh..can happen taw...if you spend so much time in close proximity with some one, on the phone selang 30 minutes...chenta boleh berputik tawwwwww.......

Nah...Boss is not my type. What is my type? I spent 3 years in all girls school...another 2 more years in that konon nya 'berlambak bebudak pandai' school where all the male species is equal to celaka besar.So, I bound to found comfort in 'no men land'.

As much as this thought is scarry, I am so open to everything right now.My Boss is very thoughtful, well she have to, didn't she, kalau tak mampus lah siapa nak buat kerja macam nak mati.We Malaysian are so hardworking (quoting my Boss) maybe because we know we are away from our own comfort.Like the Chinese in Malaysia.

I think I have passed giving in to community expectation. My parents sungguhlah dah give up nya nak mengenenkan I dengan jantan-jantan Malang as far as from Bukit Chedang.

Let's look at more healthier options...pick up any nice gay man as a good friend (or as handyman around the house) and another female companion.

Women look after one another...they might be bitching non-stop but they forgive and forget easily. Women are very loyal too.

Sexual pleasure? There is always Ann Summer's gadget.

Bersambung.

Mulutku Yang Masin

I'm not a big fan of sodium chloride.Yepp..I like to eat asams but not the really masin one.Some asam got salt sprinkle on it, so sorry lah...kamek sik suka.

Why am I taking about sodium chloride/asam/masin? Long,long time ago when I was in that sekolah budak-budak famous (lebih famous dari TKC tawww) kat Seremban tu (I'm talking girls school here) there was this classmate of mine (mano tah poei eh..dalam Facebook pun tak jumpa) yang hobi nya suka mengenen I dengan this particular boy from KGV. I have to cross his path on my way back from school to the hostel. The asrama that I used to lived in, (alaaa....dekat STAD tu) dekat benar dengan sekolah Mamat ni. He is not at all handsome (kurang ajar nya...) and I don't know why, dalam keadaan aku tak berboifren that time and when the whole school dah ada pakwe (and makwe..heheheh) patutnya kalau orang dah berkenan tu, kawan aje lah kan? But you know, with looks like him, takde pakwe pun takpe nyah. Not only his looks that put me off, his perangai...his attributes...takde langsung ciri-ciri nak dijadikan boifren.

But this friend of mine was so insistent, god knows if she makan komisyen from this boy because she happily ready to become his postman, menyampai surat-surat chentanya kat I...tulis surat pun pakai exercise book, bangsa koyak page kat belakang...tak gentleman betul.Well, maybe he can't afford a proper writing pad.

Everyday without fail, she will pass on his salams to me...Eh Makji, dia kirim salam la...everyday I tell you.I will just keep quiet and my friend often said 'berdosa tau awak tak jawab salam dia'. One day tah cemana, this boy was on his way to the Gold Supermarket (wujud lagi ke ni?) and was walking pass my school.I was on my way out and alamak...we bumped into each other. This time he really sampaikan his salam to me in person.He was with his gang, like gangster Kg Dusun and aku pulak sensorang...he just went on and on, berdosa kita tak jawab salam orang tau...followed by evil laugh from all that KGV smuts. Panas betul hati I...sepanas hari itu.

The next day at school, I told my friend of my ordeal and cakap kat Minah ni...'ko pegi lah kirim salam maut dengan budak tu...'.A week after that this boy died.Electrocuted. My friend was sad, blaming my mulut masin wishing him the bad luck.But how was I to know?

Similar thing happened when my late brother was ill.Not that I wish him dead but the very last day that I visited him at the Hospital, I went home to pack my bag, I packed baju kurung and tudung too, feeling that I may need it. 15 minutes after that, he passed away.I really,really hate myself for feeling that.Until today.

Last week, I was driving from Essex to London. I suddenly thought about this friend of mine (somehow we are related by marriage) who was met by an accident maybe 15 years ago.We were at the wedding and on his way back, he was run over by a gang of motorcyclist.I saw him at the hospital the next day.He was chatting happily to us with his entire body bandaged everywhere.He slips into coma after that.From what I was told is the hospital fault, giving him too much anaesthatic and this later turned into permanent brain damage. I visited him as often as I can but I got caught up with life responsibility.But he remembers me at every visits I paid him by blinking his eyes.

Tah macam mana, last week...terkenang pulak kat dia.15 years is way too long to be bedridden and to completely lost the bodily function. I supposed we have to thank Allah for him to live to see people around him.I asked about him from people who knows him and condition still the same.While stuck on the M25 traffic last week, I think my heart said 'God, what a pity and what a great pain for the whole family have to endure all this.He is under a great deal misery.He should have died in that accident'.

I got a message yesterday that he passed away last Friday.I just wish that I never had that thought.I really feel awful.But he is now at the better place.

Al fatihah, Mohamad Anazeem.I will always remember you...the chirpy you in that stripy yellow shirt, you wore the night of the wedding and the accident.

Wednesday Speech

My Lunch....In the end, I makan pakan tangan...and orang putih next to me pandang tak berkelip-kelip

Being physically unwell has never stopped me from mengumpat. See, I am a suitable candidate for general election. I like talking about people. The juicier the gossip the better. I can do long-distance call, kekononnya nak menanya khabar kengkawan yang hati gundah but pertanyaan khabar pun diselang-selikan dengan cerita-cerita berunsur gossip jugak.Ahh...that will make my day.

The weather has been crap since last Monday. Dengan angin kuatnya, hujan nya...although my company ada bad weather policy, Boss cakap, angin kuat pun kena kerja jugak.Well, that’s the agony of working in this field. Real wind can blows this and that ways...but another type of wind also capable of blowing so hard that although langit nak runtuh, Boss can still summon you to Opis. Celaka lu, Boss!!!

But today, I succumbed to the reality of life where when one that is over exhausted by work; one shall collapse in dire condition. So, I was in Croydon yesterday...almost the whole day (yes, Kak Teh...this is where that mad maniac rape the woman while she was dying) I was asked to handle an abuse case (kat sini, when I say abuse, bukannya kes cucuh tangan dengan puntung rokok okay?) One of my colleagues is a sign language expert and aku terpaksa hurung dia datang Croydon and this young lady (yang konon nya mangsa penderaan seksual) will only talk to me.

The Policeman who was supposed to record the statement didn’t turn up. Waste of the bloody journey.Hey...Twickenham to Croydon jauh tawww. Since aku dah tercongok-congok kat situ, The Manager of that unit asked me to look into the this P file (alaa...yang suka gasak budak-budak kecik tu laa) and this colleague of mine, do what she have to do with the BP (budak pekak) Tiba-tiba boss muncul....ahhh...I baru buat plan dengan my colleague ni, since kita dah ada kat Croydon, meh la kita pergi Uncle Lim’s stall kat Alders tu, makan mee kari. Boss telah mengacau daun.Big time. Last-last, Boss left a message for us both masuk meeting kat satu lagi unit kat Croydon tu.Boss bought us sandwich when what I had in my mind is Mee Kari.

With me travelling in the bad weather dengan baju tak tebal on Monday and with me again stuck in the car for almost 4 hours, also in bad weather after enduring meeting berejam yang boring, today I really feel like dying.

I slept at 9pm last night (pecah record) and woke up at 4.30am...and came sunlight with another crazy wind, I said...okay, that’s it. I demam.Let me call Boss to tell her that I’m coming a bit late. I slept again until 8am, still rasa cam pengsan.

At 9am, I was half ready, with jeans and T-shirt, I told MB that I demam and start making faces. She talked me into ambik sick leave, which I readily agreed after she promises to masak ayam cili and kacang panjang goreng.Talking about feeling nak mati tapi nafsu makan cam babi!!!

So here I am...ready to mengumpat.Who should I kutuk first?

As we all now know, Barisan Nasional kalah besar...I am so happy. So happy that I gleefully posted a message on my Facebook.

Pak Lah and my father are good friends (according to my father la...), they were both into MAYC during their heyday. While my father opted to serve his employer until he pencen, Pak Lah becomes the known politician. My father only has nice things to say about him and I think he still does, because my father is nice to his friends. When we talk about politics, all of us tried not to drop Pak Lah into the subject because we know that my father doesn’t like to be put in the spot light, talking about Pak Lah. So, since I tak boleh nak kutuk Pak Lah with my father...let me kutuk him with you.

While most of us wonder why he still bother, after been caught sleeping (with himself of course) and after been critised openly.Pak Lah can happily live with his pencen and his new wife. I believe that he is not as overzealous as Anwar who can happily command anak bini to contest for him. What can Dr Azizah and Nor Izzah do without Anwar? Talking about Keadilan, Anwar and Co is one with a new palace in Segambut and elsewhere while others have to make do with the ever expensive things.Anwar was once the group he now despises. He is no better than the rest. So, Anwar or Keadilan supporter, if you reading this...gasak lah hah!!! I never like Anwar or Keadilan...but I like the look of Sukma Darmawan...boleh? Until they can convince me what Keadilan are for and why is it better than anything else, I will still think that Keadilan is the epitome of disgruntled wannabe PM that was sent to jail.

So Pak Lah...refused to step down.Takde paksaan katanya.I saw this interview of the TPM yang macam takut-takut, ohoo....I will continue to support PM...(or else I pun takde harapan lah nak jadi PM nanti...) And Khairy Jamaluddin can bark at his maximum pitch only in Rembau. They (the kalah one) berani pulak keluar statement ‘the Malays who vote for the opposition must now take responsibility’. a plakkkk!!!! Are we obliged to vote for Barisan? See...10 or 12 years ago, if I’m asked to vote between Mohamad Rahmat and Razak Ahmad, or any DAP candidates, Mohamad Rahmat boleh blah and continue singing in RTM.

Both me and MB were joking about kena pakai purdah after when we balik Malaya pasni (see...Kiah, area kau area Keadilan ke,Pas ke or DAP?)

Pak Lah already passed his retirement age, while he is obviously unable to take anymore pressure, let the others take over. Leave the Rembau Boy only in Rembau. Rembau needs a new President. Malaysian doesn’t.

Anwar should rule Segambut only and Malaysian TV never should allow any pro-politics ads on TV.

PAS...I honestly do not know the connection between ibadah and politics. Parents told children don’t do this, don’t do that...don’t slander...stop the diatribe. Islam doesn’t permit that. But PAS allowed all this in their campaign.

Why oh why, we didn’t vote for that Nenek Kunci? Who did Nenek Kunci slander? Nenek Kunci spent all her hard-earned songket selling money...

Let’s just see if anything changes in the next 5 years...

The Deceiving Story

Among all those gory crime story kat UK ni, I followed one case where this volunteer Policewoman was killed at her doorstep.This happened more than a year ago (or maybe 2?)

Sedih jugak la....but I cannot fathom why people want to volunteer jadi Police kat sini? Dah le tak berbayar, you might end up dead.Nak volunteer pun gi la jadi cikgu or aid worker kat Africa nun.Crime rate in UK ni, budak umur 12 tahun pun boleh bunuh orang.

So this lady,bless her soul, volunteered as a WPC (Woman Police Constable) kat area Wembley nun.Cantik la jugak.Here, we get to see the pretty version of Indian.I'm not saying all Indian are not good looking but compare Samy Vellu to Amitabh Bachan, the like of AB is plenty here...so this Nisha Patel is way better looking than your usual Kelly.(Hamboiii...mulut)

When the news broke, all of us (aku la) like always, kesiannya, muda-muda dah mati.She was stabbed with her own kitchen knife.We all thought that she is one of the have a go hero.The trail suggests that the attacker knocked her front door and a woman with a Police instinct, teruslah capai pisau potong sayur ikan bagai...aren't we all, kalau ada orang ketuk pintu rumah memalam buta?

Well, she was stab and died from a single shot that pierced her heart.Her husband takde kat rumah masa tu.Main snooker katanya.We all thought, ye lah, since her husband being a local businessman, adalah business rival ke nak membunuh bininya.Or, maybe some local had it in for her, with her being a policewoman (walau tak berbayar pun)

They interviewed the husband, yang masa tu sungguhlah wreck nya.Hensem you (Kiah...mcm ghope laki kau) Husband was crying, in the interview calling for witnesses....the news reports that when he was called home that night, he uttered dalam tangisan nya 'why did you open the door'. I had wanted to ask, yang kau gi keluar malam-malam tinggal bini sensorang buat apa? But he was grieving and I should not have evil thoughts.Lagipun, dia sungguhlah hensem...so, manalah tau kan....kot-kot nanti dapat kat aku ke...(that is really an evil thoughts)

Tup-tup!!! In the end, they caught her killer.Investigate punya investigate, they brought in the grieving husband as well.Of course lah he denied.But investigation found plenty of contact made between the attacker and the husband.I thought, okaylah...tak nak lah menyalahkan si hensem tu.He is in business,maybe is his business partner ke, rival ke.See, how looks can deceived.MB was so confident that lakinya musti ada kena-mengena but I was so tertipu with his tangisan (and his good looks) when he first appeal for witnesses.

Today, I bought a Sun Newspaper on my way to another work place.Before you ask, Kiah...I'm not buying the newspaper for all that inflated tetek on Page 3 okay? The Sun is damn cheap, 20 pence...plus the train ride is long and I need to catch up with news.

Ghope-ghope nya, si puaka jantan hensem tu, now is the main suspect.The news published his holiday shots with some Lithuanian prosty few weeks before the murder and how he is paying the attacker money to have wife killed so that he can claim her life insurance.I must tell you, kalaulah tak pasal gambar dia dengan prostitute ittew, aku mati-matilah ingat si Fadi Nasri ni tak bersalah githoo...and how I will stand by my man (yicksss...nak muntah nya...)

So me and MB talked about it again.MB of course la dengan theory CSI Vegas,Miami & New York nya...dey, just because kau dah khatam tengok CSI, does not make you the expert, okay? I dah cakap dengan you dah...there's something about that man..I knew it, I knew it.Talk about woman instinct.

Some of us are blessed with all this perasaan-perasaan where you can feel something is not right but until you know what it is, you can't get your finger in it.I don't.Until all is didepan mata, I am blisfully ignorant.I'm sure if ever there is a husband, my husband can get away with kahwin 2,3,4 under my nose and aku, sampai mati pun tak tau.

I'm not into kapak rampage upon my gruesome discovery, if my partner ever cheated.Well, I don't know yet, some of us will cakap macam-macam now when it hasn't happened but when caught up, kelu seribu bahasa.I might be saying that I'm cool with it now that I will just leave gracefully but one may never know.I will probably need more than a kapak.

Although I detest cheaters,you can never understand one would lie.I believe in love at the 2nd sight where we stumbled upon someone,feel the connection and have relationship, while still madly in love with someone else.

Tapi...tak yah lah sampai bunuh-bunuh kan? Well, when you are married, the stake is high.Anak la, harta sepencarian la...not many are willing to give up amassed wealth walaupun konek dah gatal tahap maximum.

Clean example, si JT.In our last conversation over coffee and cake, he is still not willing to give up his pasu serawak,although dia yang nak buang bini dia.You can be honest, in his case, last minute honesty...not to mentioned pengecut, he was planning his getaway from his kununnya loveless marriage,making sure all his airway dah clear and tinggalkan bini terkapai-kapai.I think men and woman need to be mentally prepared if they're losing one another.Life after marriage can be quite lonely, you've been with someone for certain amount of time,cinta tak cinta pun and to lose them from your system completely is hard.

Well, jantan celaka ada dimana-mana....in and out this world.Ooooopsssss!!!!

The Crazy Wednesday

Last night, I belanja my boss makan. Ceh...made a difference kan? Well, last week, I had a little disagreement with her.I think that was the 2nd time.The first one, I merajuk (as in I tak bercakap-cakap dengan dia for couple of days) but after few days, I realised betapa tak professionalnya I.Sometimes at work, we have couple of clashed opinions.But in my case, I know I was right. I made a decision to section someone under Act 4, but much to my dismay, family si Polan ni sudah pergi HQ and made a complaint abt me. Aku telah membuli anak mereka konon nya.

Boss rang me on the spot, and overturned my decision and suggests that we (me and my team) to look at the incident properly, buat post mortem la kira nya.Boss and her usual speech, we have to be very patient-centred.Konon nya.But what is so obvious is that her decision is more 'patient-family centred'.Sakit hati I tawwwwww.

So, I decided..sebagai tanda protest, I called her and asked what made she think that my decision ain't right. Boss said, it is not about the battle...it is about the war. So, that night, after my decision to section this guy was overturned by my own boss yang ku kira, tak tau apa-apa tu, si family celaka tu started to torment my unit.See, sometimes you think that mental health patient is dangerous kan? No, wait till you see their family, and with family like that, jangan kata anak they all, yang tukang jaga ni pun boleh jadi gila.

Hmmm...like any other melayu yang kalau kena marah dengan boss terus kata boss salah and merajuk berjam-jam, I did the same. I decided to take time off work with short notice.I need some time to merajuk in private.I was so dissapointed.I went into therapy and purge it all out...goodness, I am so childish.

I apologised to my boss.Boss tatau yang I sakit hati dengan dia.I told her how I feel.I have a lot of confidence to confront her when I am less angry.I chosed my words carefully. I told Boss, I am within my right to made that decision and for her to tetiba cakap I salah, sungguh lah kejam nya.While orang lain can have attitude lantaklah...this is just a job, no! It is not like that with me.Sebagai anak askar yang sungguh garang...I cannot accept such decision.It is about principle, and yes, if they have a problem with my decision, nak buat komplen...ikut proper channel lah kan...ni tak, gi lobi my Boss and si pompuan tu, teruslah cakap 'okay, okay..I'll sort Makji Esah out for you'. Tak ke membuatkan aku nampak extra bangang?

But after 48 hours...(memanglah I ni extra bangang) I realised why my Boss did what she did.And setelah I realised betapa buruk nya perilaku I...I called Boss and apologised.Boss cakap, okay but can you honestly see why we have to play the game these people are playing?

Boss took me out for a meal...I wanted to pay, but Boss cakap...takpelah, kita gasak duit company.But I still feel awful.See, Boss is indirectly my Cikgu.I was brought up not to go against Cikgu, walaupun Cikgu tu kenkadang macam puaka.I told Boss about this...because she is slightly older than me and also considering that she is nice (when she is nice) that we Malaysian tak leh kurang-kurang ajar dengan Cikgu and people older than us.I was actually overreacting and to show to her that I am so sorry, I musti belanja dia makan.

But last night, me and colleague decided to kidnap Boss from her hotel and took her to this very posh golf club in Herts.We had a good time (ni tak termasuk purse ku yang rabak since the bill came up to £120.00) But again, some of us have strong life principle.

Moral dari cerita I yang boring ni ialah...kalau orang gila, dia akan terus gila and kita akan dibuatnya jadi gila jugak.My Boss decided to go ahead to play the game...without making me go down that road of gila ness.It is not about who is right and who is wrong.We don't need to be as low as them.Tu dia ceritanya.

So kepada kengkawanku yang dihormati...we come across so many people that driving us crazy.Biarkanlah.Let them win.Some battle are not worth to fight.As long as kita pun tak jadi gila.

Six Pence Non-The-Preacher

There is this Ustazah from one east coast state now sent to jail for apostasy. 2 years...and this decision was made considering the severity of her doing. While I try to buat-buat tak nampak berita-berita menyayat hati yang lain (pasal orang itu yang konon nya nak menimang cahaya mata...cis..cisss...) I am now thinking very hard about this poor Ustazah.

I've learned well now after giving my opinion about Lina Joy. Never to discuss sensitip subject. But hey, sensitip subject is made sensitip by sensitip people.Overly sensitip people.But Malaysian people certainly cannot qualify for being sensitip....some of them I mean (mulut kena jejaga nih, I can't generalised Malaysian, considering I'm still one, my abang/adik/amma/appa is still holding that red passport. I think, if they can bear reading Noritta scandals,happily distribute some loocha DVD, setting up a webpage just to slander a name politician, they cannot be THAT sensitip.

Poor Ustazah.She must have been so well-studied in Islamic Studies to become one. I certainly cannot fathom the change of heart. I'm not all religious but yesterday, my boss remarked how 'religious' I am to be pswpswpswpswpspw.....before driving the car off. 'What are you muttering about'. I smiled. I was only doing ayat kursi and al-fatihah, something that I have been doing for almost 20 years now (since I dapat lesen...so Ood, ekau bilo eh nak dapek lesen ni?)

My parents emphasised on secular education but we were sent to mengaji earlier. My father would rotan if we tak semayang...and once, dek kelibut nya aku nak tengok Police Academy (Chung Wai Kit aiyaaaaa...) I actually completed 3 raka'at maghrib during the iklan...hah kau!!! Semayang apo tu? And because of my express rakyat/eurostar speed of semayang, Maghrib's time TV banned forever masa tu. Tapi, TVteegaaa masa tu mmg la celaka, yang pi taruk Cerita Cina tu pukul 7 buat hapa hah? But I don't hate TVteeegaaaaa...bcos TVteeegaaa got Wan Leha. It is better Wan Leha than Hjh Hazlinda, kan?

So, now I hardly sembahyang...I live like orang putih eventhough I kulit tak putih...kalaulah bapak ku yang Pak Haji tu tahu kegiatan sosial anak dia yang macam baik ni...harus aku dititah perintah balik serta merta. But I must have been love that cemana setan yakjud makjud pun,I never once nak menukar agama ni...possibly due to the faith.

The Jabatan Agama or who ever that made that decision to imprisoned that Ustazah is wee bit harsh. She just changed her faith with reasons only known to her and considering that this is an open knowledge, she decided to not live a lie as a non-muslim.Something that morally, we should give credit for.She did not kill anyone...she did not swindled people's money...and she did not do anything hideous or very criminal that can justify the prison sentence.She just lose faith.

Maybe the power that imprisoned her have deeper insecurity, they can't bear to lose her to any other religion. So they become harsher than necessary.This will ultimately make others judge us even more, condemn us more and whaddayaknow....losing faith in us completely.

So, to the power, I hope you know what you're doing.

Important Information

Kepada you all peminat-peminat serta pengkritik-pengkritik imeem list Makji Esah, tu dia...ada yang berani buat pidato piala perdana mintak I tukar/update lagu-lagu dalam juke box ittew. Meh sini I nak cakap sikit dengan orang ittew yang semenjak 2,3 menjak ni akhlak mengalahkan budak Romania (eeehh...kat sini kan, adalah segerombolan bebudak dari Romania tu, kerja memasing bila traffic light tukar kaler merah je, armed with window cleaning stuff and detergent buatan sendiri, terus pakat-pakat serbu kereta and cuci the windscreen, pastu..dah le kita tak suruh diorang cuci, diorang ni terus je demand duit singgit and if you tak kasi...habis kereta kena calar githooo)

Kau tu mengandung...buat-buat lah bawak diri tu mengaji Quran ke, dengar lagu Raihan ke, lagu nasyid kumpulan budak-budak pompuan tu yang hapa ke nama nya yang nyanyi lagu 'sayang-sayang ibu' tu. Jangan nak megomplen aje...tahu?

But, demi memenuhkan jugak hasrat mu ittew, meh sini ku persembahkan lagu-lagu yang patut kau dengar dalam labour room...tak pun bila kau tidur malam...bukan ke 2,3 menjak ni ada mimpi Sharon encounter la, Tracey la..Anna Nicole Smith laa...so, whenever you think of me, dengar lah lagu Spice Girl...I want to make you Holler tu...ingat tau...kau kena sebut 'Holler' tu 'Hollah', English accent githoo...

Well friends, it's about time jugak I tukar lelagu dalam my imeem list tu. Like said, lagu 'Holler' tu ditujukan utk orang ini...lagu 'Star' tu, lagu favourite I jaman muda-muda, jaman berchenta and this was actually dedicated to me from him. Tapi..lyric tak kena sungguh...the only saving grace is that I memang suka kat Mick Hucknall, kalau tak..mampos lah aku yang berfeeling-feeling sayu dengar lagu ni...

The Fairuz Hussein is also my all time favourite and Janet Jackson 'Escapade' ittew ditujukan khas untuk budak-budak MRSM Beseri Batch 6, yang selalu ponteng sembahyang (tapi pi cakap kat Kak Kapten, kami bocorrr kak...) pastu, bila org lain dengah khusyuk semayang, kita juga khusyuk berjoget ikut Janet Jackson...kan..kan..kan?

I've been busy and abused, but I'll write again soon.

Ciao.