Happy Halloween

Opps, sorry lah yea, Sue Typhoon, but I had no choice but to join the celebration memuja hantu kat sini. I'm too old to do the trick or treat round lagipun, memalam sejuk ni (nowadays pukul 4.30 pm dah macam 9 malam) siapalah yang nak pi mengetuk pintu rumah orang nak gi mintak sweeties, nak mati beku ke?

Speaking of Halloween celebration, I did my bit by membeli topeng dracula yang dijual kat Tesco, demi memeriahkan Halloween Party organised by my office. Ikut hati tak nak pergi, but since dah cuti lama ni, kenalah tunjuk muka kat bosses, of which is the real 'hantu'.

Today is the day that you can see berjenis-jenis hantu, macam dalam catalogue pulak. Ada hantu bawak penyapu, ada hantu bawak sabit, bawak cangkul sikat (?),hantu liplap Kak Melah pun ada taw...alaa..tanduk lip lap tu, and ada jugak, yang tak pakai topeng hantu, tapi perangai hantu yang pergi rumah orang lempar telur ayam. Ni lagi celaka punya hantu!!!

The kids will start knocking on your door, screaming 'Trick or Treat' and as a tuan rumah, kenalah bagi cekelat ke, gula-gula ke or anything to please the little devils. But dalam pada 'Trick or Treat' ni, kena jugak jaga-jaga, because ada jugak yang akan ambik kesempatan merompak rumah orang pada malam-malam camni. So far, I will only bukak pintu for bebudak kecik aje, kalau budak besar...kalau nak treat, gi lah ketuk pintu rumah Cik Lee Novotny kita tu ye. But misti dia tak dengar kot, sebab dia kan tengah sibuk dengar lagu-lagu hantu puaka Kak Melah Liplap itu.

I wonder if I should take part, dressing up as a hantu to do my trick or treat round tonight. Instead wearing the conventional mask, maybe I should do the Asian hantu...dressing up as hantu pocong ke, Suster Ngesot ke or Nang Nak. I bet you, bukan setakat gula-gula aje yang aku dapat nanti..silap-silap, mati kena tembak kan?

Selamat Berhari Hantu, you all.

Missed Call and Mishaps

Isyyy...lupa pulak nak bagitau you all yang masa I balik KL that day, I missed out on telling si JT yang I will be out of range for couple of weeks (hish..chantekkk couple of weeks apa nya?) Plus, si tembam tu bukanlah manusia penting dalam my list untuk dibagitau kan? I am such a nasty person. When he asked what is my plan for raya, I told him, I takde buat apa, dok kat rumah aje. The poor mamat mulalah memasang plan nak menyambut raya dengan I (funnily enough, he texted his plan to me on the 10th, the day I arrived KLIA) and I pulak, bantai switched off my mobile until last Saturday.So si Tembam itu bersama plan-plannya hanguslah. Adakah ini salahku? Waduhhhh.....partly maybe.

Text received on 10th October at 11.25am 'Can I celebrate my first Eid as a single man in London with you? It will be fun. Let me know what is your plan for raya. Love, K. (erkk...LOVE? Sejak bila pulak pandai pakai L word ni? Sapa bagi hang kebenaran?)

Text received on 1oth October at 12.33am 'Let me know, please'. K (Ish....baru hantar text tak sampai sejam dah suruh orang balas? Ingat orang free sangat ke?)

(To cut this short, I retrieved 12 text messages sent by Jantan Tembam on the 10th October, the 12th one was a bit blunt, I have been texting you, your mobile is off. This is such a childish way to let a man down, a behaviour that I don't expect from a person like you. Pls call. Kx. Macam puaka kan? Dia ingat ni zaman Idi Amin ka boleh gertak-gertak pompuan camni? Pulak tu, terserlah kebangangannya, dah dimarah nya I, pastu macam muka seposen, boleh dengan arrogant nya suruh I call dia. Sewel sungguh!!!)

In total, from the 10th until 21st, he left me 33 text messages, majority asking me to call him back and 66 missed call recorded by Vodafone from his mobile. And this is supposed to be my school friend yang kunun nya nak menyambung sillaturrahim?

I gathered from my mobile messaging service that he actually stop calling on the 22nd, the day he heard from that Pilot man yang I masa tu dah macam nak mampos berpoya-poya kat KL. Ciss..orang jantan ni takleh lah nak simpan rahsia. Especially bila info yang mintak dirahsiakan tu berguna untuk puak-puak dia. I was just being polite, telephone lah si Mamat pilot ni nak wish Selamat Hari Raya. And the pilot, being a good friend that he is to JT, terus gi bagitau si kawan dia yang tak reti bahasa tu. Lucky I tak bagitau si Pilot ni bila I balik London, mau nya si Tembam tu duduk bersila tunggu I depan arrival hall kan?

Nevertheless, I arrived safely at Heathrow with the immigration, as usual menanya soklan-soklan yang tak perlu walaupun VISA dah terang benderang depan mata.Alhamdulillah, lepas kuih-kuih raya ku masuk kat green lane custom tu. Yang sakit nya, 21 keping Wii game versi lanun yang I bawak balik tu, semuanya takleh pakai, tak multi region kaedah nya. Seharian I search kat internet to see if any Nintendo UK outlet offers any modchip installation. Haram....satu pun takde. Camno kita nak main game ni, Hjh Eton woiiiiiii??????

The Malay Ramblings

Exhibit Penyakit Hati A, Murtabak Ayam...sila tengok tanpa kelip-kelip

Exhibit Penyakit Hati B, Sila makan hati dengan serta merta, From Lto R, kacang rebus, kuih keria, popiah basah, lemang original & Ketupat Palas, untuk tatapan mangsa-mangsa kebuluruan di Eire & East Anglia.

Seeing new development around TTDI made me sad. I am so used to the green scenery after MOFAZ office. With so many new Damansara’s, pelangi lah, mutiara lah, the old TTDI look too modern for my liking. Lucky my father has now moved to United States of 9, so TTDI can expand sampai dia meletup.It is unrecognisable.

Syukur alhamdulillah, I have eaten everything that I was cravings for. From Roti Jala to Popiah Basah and the claypot rice. And Murtabak too, thanks to Jen. Sakit jugak kepala bila mengenang nak drive all the way from Subang Jaya to Taman Melawati (Sue Typhoon tip off) in search for Murtabak. But I bet Taman Melawati is not what it used to be 20 years ago. I wonder if that MELAWATI atas bukit signboard is still there?

I have packed my luggage, the first one. I have another one (we brought two, MB’s is now filled with foods) and mine will be with our clothing’s. I have been busy running my own errands and neglecting my family, my mother especially but I have made a promise to myself that I will be coming back more often, like every raya.

To you yang I tak sempat nak jumpa, believe me I have every intention nak jumpa but my time is needed somewhere else. I got bad tooth ache and my mother is kind enough to set me an appoinment with my dentist cousin (also lama tak jumpa, bila sakit baru ingat sedara kan?) to get it fixed, besok pulak tu. Habislah plan nak skodeng Anuar Zain kat KLCC dengan pompuan-pompuan glamer besok.Sorry ah? To pompuan KWSP yang sungguh tak berhemah asking me to surrender my nationality just because of my request to withdraw my puny amount of caruman, semoga tuhan lah yang membalas budi bahasa akak yang tak banyak mana tu.Tapi musykil la, tu kan duit saya kak? Ciss...takpe, ada ubi ada batas, satu hari nanti, merasalah kereta akak rosak pastu akak kena naik bas, boleh? To the bank officer AM Bank (nama bank pun tak glamour) yang macam nak tak nak layan I semalam dan siang tadi, ingatlah...you tak akan mati sakit gigi if you smile to your customer.

The thing is, I am so used to people in the government offices in the UK or their commercial industry servants to treats their consumer indiscriminately, greets you and apologise profusely if they can’t attend to your needs. I remember having to go to Richmond Council to get my council tax refunded and the officer is mega busy but still acknowledges me and promise to get right back to me once he disengage from his commitment. That akak KWSP, boleh bergurau senda with her office mate while we (me and MB) duduk depan dia, waited almost 5 minutes for her to be ‘disconnected’ from her happy moment.Tak mintak maaf pun. Senyum pun takde. We are like at her mercy. For once, I want to give her the benefit of being a Muslim (this kakak wear tudung, sure lah alim sikit from I ni) so, as a woman, takleh lah kan tak tergedik-gedik over friendly at the counter layan pelanggan. But, kitorang ni dua-dua pompuan kak, senyum pun takdelah masuk neraka nya.

Another thing, sekarang ni adalah pulak cerita dua celebrity bergaduhan dalam TV. This Azwan Ali guy, I last remember him looking ‘boleh lah’ but now, he is either mega ugly with bedak sekati and that goggle eyewear and converse like pondan tak cukup umur (ish..sorrylah...I have nothing against gay man, but he is just one disgusting case) or just dah gila. Some years ago, if I am not mistaken, he sued TV3 and Ogy for making fun of his feeling...emm, for someone educated, he is so lembik to ambik hati like that. Now pulak, I saw him on telly semalam ke or that day, he announced that he will not forgive the pompuan who kunun nya slandered him.Aii...cakap macam tu pun nak masuk TV ke? And the TV people pun, why they nak layan that ‘sensasi’ issue, macam lah takde sensasi thing yang lain nak tunjuk. I also read the interview they did with Siti Nurhaliza, ada ka pi tanya, Siti dah berbaik ke dengan your husband ex wife? Weihhh...rasa macam nak cari pulak if there are any articles in the Hello ke, NOW ke kalau-kalau ada article Jennifer Aniston berbaik-baik dengan Esah Jolie, eh Angelina Jolie.

I nak kutuk banyak-banyak pun, I am still a malay, pakai la Fair & Lovely banyak mana pun, my skin will still chocolate colour gitu (lainlah if I sleep in that Michael Jackson’s capsule kan?) My mentality is if not worse is still the same, suka mengutuk orang. So, I can only moan, moan and moan for you all to read.

I’ll be flying back to London soon and will not have time to update my blog as this laptop will be seating beautifully in his sarung. I’m going back to US of 9 tomorrow without my laptop and will go to KLIA direct from there.

To all especially Bella and Cik Kiah, thank you. To Yanz, panjang umur, kita akan jumpa jugak. To CD Kak Melah, akan ku cari jua di Seremban. To Jen, what can I say, thank you seems so little. To Stephen & Lizs, terimak kasihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh kitakkkkkk.....kitak duak nang bagus gilak.

Best Wishes.

Murtabak Update

Semalam I pergi pasar malam you all. Taktau la apasal, tapi hati macam nak makan murtabak, not ordinary murtabak but the murtabak that is only available at pasar malam. So, my sister pun hangkutlah I gi satu pasar malam (tu pun kena tip off by her friend) kat area Seremban ni. Punyalah happy hati I nampak pasar malam. Mata terus lapar, I bought so many kuih yang susah nak jumpa kat UK bit by bit untuk di share dengan MB yang bakal ku visit tengah malam nanti (by the time I posted this, I am already at MB's house)

Masuk aje pasar malam, dengan senyum yang macam kambing gatal, I went searching for murtabak.Dalam hati dah kata, I will hambik gambar that murtabak untuk ku tayang kat orang yang gersang murtabak (Makji Eton & Mak Leemah)

Tu lah, niat dalam hati dah tak betul kan? Jalan punya jlan, cari punya cari, tak adapun murtabak. Yang jumpanya apam balik aje.Sedeyyy I tau.

Moral dari cerita saya ni, jauhkan lah diri sendiri dari hati busuk.

Sekian

Satu Hari Di Hari Open House...

Cik Kosui dengan Cik Jeniffer Lopez ni apasal nyebok kat sini ni?

Eh, apasal Burger Ramly Ayam Special enterframe lak ni? (Gambar Hiasan)

Aku telah kembali ke kampung halamanku 3 days ago. At the risk of sounding like Tenggang, I really mati kematu kat sini.I have no one to talk to. My nieces and nephew still see me as a foreign props dalam rumah.The phone line is so bad that I cannot use the dial up (mana tak nya, ada cross line and I can hear some pakcik-pakcik mengumpat) The TV, hish...the astro, the NTV7, the RTM’s and few more channels consequently repeat their program tak habis-habis. I swear that I have come across Kwek Mambo Anita berbelas kali, Cit Cat beratus kali and all the drama’s....bila budak-budak kecik dah tidur, barulah boleh tengok CSI, tu pun yang dah ditayang kat UK 6 bulan lepas....makkkk!!!!!

But the advantage is always food. Bangun pagi, dah ada roti canai atas meja.My mother’s helper, Bibik by 12noon, dah start ambik order, mau makan apa? Since I balik, I have eaten rice countless time. My abdomen memang dah terburai and I am missing LA Fitness badly. The worst part, my mother tak kasi I bawak balik Diet coke, takut sikecik-kecik tu semuanya nak minum, and it is bad for them. And 3 hari jugaklah, I kurengg minum air, mana taknya aku berberak batu?

When my sister arrived from Shah Alam yesterday,I insisted that she drive me out to town. I told her that I am bored, really bored that I can kill someone just for fun (bongkak tak?) She in return, have better idea.Diajaknya I pergi open house rumah my relative yang I dah tak pernah jumpa since I was 6 years old. Well, again bukan nak tunjuk sombong, I am very selective nak pergi-pergi rumah orang ni.Bukan apa, I ni bangsa tak bercakap. I will only go places that I know I’ll be behaving normally.How can you be over friendly with relatives yang you jenjarang jumpa? God knows my parents agaknya tengah-tengah malam secretly buat sembahyang hajat with hope that Allah boleh turunkan rahmat, tukar sikit perangai anak dia yang macam sakai laut ni.My aunty lives next door. I have been in Malaysia for over a week now, but belum sekalipun I jalan beraya rumah dia. My mother keep getting messages from her to ask me to call over, datang makan tapai ke hapa. Apa? Makan tapai? Jokingly (well, I don’t joke...tapi tak nak nampak kurang ajar sangat, I memain jugak la) I told my mother, that I will only come if dia buat roti jala. I bet 20 years ago, if I were to answer her like that, she will then start bersyarah, kalau kau tak campur orang, kau kahwin nanti, orang tak nak datang.....but knowing me, I also have answer for that, baguslah kalau orang tak datang kan, takde habis duit nak beli beras ke, hapa ke....

Since we only see each other, every 5 years, of if lucky, every 2 years, my mother, like ibu sejati with heaven under her tapak kaki, have opted to remain calm and collected and understanding, even bila I tidur sampai pukul 9 pagi pun. Seeing her like that (my mother is now nursing my sick father) made me insaf and I try to give her what she wants.She never rest.I would have given up (especially bila ingat-ingatkan yang laki dah la perangai cam puaka) Ibu Mithali tu mak aku....

In the end, with no other better offer,I agree to raya rumah my relative ni. My sister told me that he is now a famous singer (takde la famous mana nya pun) and recently married anak VIP jugak. Okay lah, he also anak VIP. I can’t remember the last time I saw him, because his family lives in Subang Jaya, and because his bapak is so rich, he goes to private college rather than menadah muka kat sekolah MARA macam I ni.

We went to his mother's house. I have to introduced myself to them, maklumlah, dah lama tak jumpa, muka masing-masing pun dah lain. Me and my sister is so convinced that mak dia cucuk botox or tak pun, pakai susuk. Mulut!!!! Disebabkan ramai orang, me and this famous relative of mine, cakap pun setakat hi and bye, but it is so obvious that he have a little bit of interest nak bercakap-cakap dengan I ni (so is everyone else) because I live in London. Wehh..kalau I duduk Puncak Alam or Kampung Melayu Subang you all tak nak cakap-cakap ke? Me and my sister then kena introduced to many glamour-glamour people. My sister keep whispering..Hey..that one is sipolan, this one is sipolan. I pun macam orang bingung...I don’t know anyone but I know, their open house got satay. So, I am not interested to suaikenal with this so called ‘famous amous people’ and quickly adjourned to makan satay.

Watching Malay drama (ada jugak yang best nya tau) making me very menyampah to certain actor/actresses. Ada yang scene dalam kampung, tapi mekap tebal cam Makhayyam Fiona (siapakah itu?) muka putih, leher gelap...where got orang kampung wear mekap like that? The male actor, with one line of dialogue, tapi ada 2,3 facial expression pastu hayun-hayun tangan cam orang jual ubat. Very the tak jadi, tau?

This scene is very the kelakar one, one female ‘artiste’ ni, seat next to me masa makan. Well, I must give her credit for her friendliness walaupun ada ala-ala terpaksa gitu. She must have heard that I lived in the UK, and she friendly asked ‘ What do you do for life?’ Ermmm....nasib baik I paham, but my sister yang jahat tu keep raising her eyebrow, signaling yang dia pun rasa nak gelak. I pun jawabla pertanyaan dia (telling her what I do for a living, entah dia paham ke tidak agaknya, maklum lah kerjaya I tak le glamour macam kau kan, Kiah?) and I asked her back, ‘What do you do?’ ‘I’m an artiste’. (She could have said ‘I’m an actress aje, sebab my sister kata dia ni berlakon aje kerjanya.) She then started talking about her career, of which sangatlah tak interesting nya. I think she sensed that I don’t know much, and she start lah membebel about the industry. Me and my sister was just listening and looking at her, as we all pun tak tau apa-apa, apart from my sister bayar her monthly Astro subscription aje. Agaknya, after she realised yang dia je dah bercakap-cakap berejam lamanya, she politely invite me back into talking by asking ‘ London tu jauh tak?’ Eh..kau apahal, tapi berdum dam cakap cam international actress pastu tanya, London jauh ke tidak? Ish...bak kata my sister, janganlah kutuk dia, maybe she genuinely tak tau.But I can't stop laughing til today.

Hahahahahahhahahhahahahahahahahahah.....

Update

Ni yang benerrr inihh. Aku diraba Indon you all. Macam cilako!!! Punyalah I ni menitik beratkan hal-hal health and safety, tup-tup, waduhhh.....diperkosari Indon.Cesss!!! Begini ceritanya, tu lah dia kan, ada kereta tapi nak naik rapid KL. But honestly, I rather not drive here. Yesterday, after balik dari kubur and melantak sessi pagi, kat jalan nak masuk Subang Jaya from Fed.Highway tu (alaa..yang dekat KFC tu la...tapi KFC nya dah kemana, Makji tatau la) I was driving on the left lane, kira tak laju lah ni macam orang yang balik Johor tu yang drive macam minah rempit versi naik kereta, siapa tu, Manal? Tiba-tiba, adalah satu people carrier ni terus menyelit from left. I was in total shock, thinking that if only I was a bit faster, musti sama-sama berdentum.Seperti biasa I with my over dramatises imagination, dah la baru balik dari kubur (at the same time, pi visit kubur my senior and junior who both perished in road accident) kang ada pulak yang akan dihantar masuk kubur. Habislaaaa..siapalah lagi akan diharapkan mencari CD Kak Melah bersora kering tu kan, Lee? Habis dalam ½ jam jugaklah I trauma, dek terkenang-kenang my near miss tu.Speaking of kubur and mati accident, aruah senior I kat MRSM and aruah junior I kat PPP ni, dah lebih 10 years passed away. After how many years, barulah dapat ziarah aruah Nini and Nai. Semoga tenanglah hendaknya.Meh la you all, sedekah fatihah...

I keep seeing this RapidKL bus everywhere, so I talked MB into getting on one. Macam cantik aje, ala-ala bus kat London. Cepat jugak bus tu, takdelah macam bus METRO yang macam lahabau yang selalu berhenti tunggu sedara-mara dia naik tu, harus berejam nak sampai KL.So, MB pun ikutlah, lagipun, bukan ke I nak gi dating dengan Bella & Kiah, so I dah buat plan siang-siang nak goda suruh Kiah hantar balik, which Kiah obliged dengan penuh kasih sayang. I was enjoying the sight of Subang Jaya and Sunway Lagoon area, tiba-tiba I rasa macam ada lipas merayap kat my right arm.Puas jugak I wonder, ada ke serangga dalam bus yang secanggih ini? Well, you never know kan, kalau serangga aje tak apalah, buatnya ular menjalar from tingkap bas nak masuk dalam baju, macam mana? Speaking of which, banyak betul forest developement kat area Subang Jaya yang dua puluh tahun dahulu ialah area pokok kelapa sawit. I keep thinking, kat manalah ular-ular dalam palm oil farm tu nak re habitate? Haruslah tumpang tidur dalam bus RapidKL kan? Ceh...I told you already, my imagination cam sial one...

Cari-punya cari punya pencabulan hak asasi tu, I saw bunch of fingers clasping onto the side of my seat, siap bercincin batu besar nya, twitching about.Sah, itulah yang menjadi ularnya. I was struggling with what to do. I nak cakap dengan MB yang tengah tidur tu (dia ni suka tidur dalam moving vehicle) kang orang dengar pulak. Knowing MB, will always come up with jawapan yang lagi akan menyakitkan hati like ‘Eh, what do you expect, kalau naik bas kedak ya lah..diraba, semua ya cheap skate, kita ni bukannya naik 5 star limousine’. Lebih baik takyah mengadu. Still wanting to give that Mat Indon benefit of the doubt, manalah tau, ada orang kan bangsa tangan takleh duduk diam...I just reposition my seating so that takleh lah kena kat jari dia tu. I was at peace for a while, until Asia Jaya, of course, bila takde gangguan tu, I pun repostion my seating back to normal. Sampai aje Asia Jaya, maka ular-ular kecik ni pun menggangu lagi. That guy must have notice that I dah tau yang dia ni cuba mencabuli diriku, so apa lagi, bila orang tak layan, berhentilah kan? But, I keep having in mind about what was told to me by my sisters where la ni, berhati-hati sikit bila jalan sensorang, because Mat Mat Indon ni sekarang dah pandai pakai calit-calit or sembur baca-baca kat your face that can make you jadi syok kan dia (eeeee....tak kuasa aku) So, for that reason lah, I tak berani nak buat apa-apa.If I confront him, he will then ‘sembur’ me, maka, balik ke Jogjakarta lah aku kan? So better not, nak raba sangat, raba lah.It’s only arm pun.Tapi, hati tetap sakit. Kalau yang meraba tu Anuar Zain, jangankan lengan, kaki tangan, badan pun ku kasi free.

Bila that guy, keluar request stop kat KL Sentral, barulah I bagitau MB. MB tanya, nya raba kau kedak ne? Aku pun demonstrate la, with a little words and more action, kononnya tak nak bagi orang tau, but my presentation attracted few eyes and dah sah-sah they all tau yang I ni dah jadi mangsa pencabulan. Buat malu aje....(but I wonder, macam mana they all boleh tau...hmmm...only the victim can tell another victim ke?

But, we really had fun that day.The details of my lunch date takyah lah nak cerita pasalnya Bella dengan Kiah pun dah cerita. The food was delicious, coffee, food, coffee again, fruits, chocolate cake and ENO. ENO? Kenapa and siapa yang gersang nasik sampai kena makan ENO? Kalau lah tak kerana Kiah nak balik cepat sebab takut kat laki (ye ke laki kau garang, or kau sesaja nak balik cepat sebab nak pulun coklat and try seluar dalam baru?)

To Bella, kami nak mintak mahap la ye...punya lahap nak makan, lupa pulak yang you takleh makan udang, tapi, sila salahkan si Kiah ye, dia yang order.I can’t wait for another convention...perjanjian syaitan nya next week. Maklumlah, nak kena tunggu sorang careerwoman escape dari tempat kerojenya. What’s next? DO ME ke? Lepas makan, boleh tak kita minum kopi kat tempat yang you all kata ada Anuar Zain tu?

Misi seterusnya ialah, mencari Kak Melah. Dimanokah ekau, Kak Melah oii? Kat KLCC takde, kat Carrefour takde...kenalah I pergi balik kat tempat memula I jumpa Kak Melah...kat Rock Corner, Subang Parade tu.I ni, puas digelakkan dek orang because sibuk nak carik Kak Melah.Tapi takpe, demi kasih sayang kat kengkawan ku yang sorang ni (blog you I dah lama tak buka la...pasalnya line tak clear, that day nak terkantoi I tau, anak buah I sikit lagi nak nampak) akan ku jejaki jua Kak Melah yang dah tua tu.

Best wishes,

Makji Esah

Intermission....Promosi Penting

Nantikan...persembahan teater muzikal 'Aku Diraba Didalam Bas Rapid KL' di kompleks kebudayaan Dato' Siamang Gagap, Seremban Negeri Sembilan.

Untuk pertanyaan tiket bayar, tiket free atau sneak preview, sila hubungi Cik Melah Ram di kakmelahliplapsorakering@yahoo.com ataupun nantikan update selepas Makji Esah balik dari membeli Burger Ramly kat USJ 14. Sekian.

Untuk Kengkawanku Yang Amat Dicingtahi...

Nasi Lemak & Mee Rebus For Breakfast

Nasi Lemak Jual Dibawah Pohon Bambu ($2.00 aje....daun pisang lagi..kau ado?)

Kepada adinda dan kekanda ku (Makji Eton & Hjh Leemah) yang berada diperantauan, terimalah gambar-gambar yang menyayat hati ini. Wasalam.

Daripada saya yang tengah berjoli katak tanpa batasan di Malaysia,
Hjh Esah

Raya Update (Jalan- Jalan Di KL)

Demi memenuhi hajat kengkawan dan juga hasrat diri sendiri, maka Makji Esah dengan semangat kereta waja nya (pehal nama kereta Waja ye?) turun ke KL hari ni. Hajat dihati macam nak naik RapidKL but memandangkan segerombolan lagi orang nak ngikut, maka I dengan MB pun kenalah naik kereta. Berbekalkan memory ingat-ingat lupa jalan-jalan kat KL,maka we all pun drive lah dari Subang Jaya ke KL. Nasib baik tak tersesat sampai Sungai Buloh ke hapa ke, kiranya, pandai jugaklah aku ni jadi sattelite navigator.

Destinasi pertama ialah KWSP di Jalan Timur/Barat (?) Apahal gi KWSP kan? Hehehe...adalah plan nya.I was told that any Malaysian with intention to migrate, boleh withdraw semua duit KWSP. It was so canggih that I can get my statement printed through the kiosk, takyah amik nombor beratur bagai.Banyak duit ku tau, Hjh Leemah. Kau ado duit EPF? Ado? Well, sebenarnya, disamping balik raya, we all pun ada plan-plan tersembunyi sikit. I went and ask this kakak tudung that insist on skeaping English walaupun I bercakap melayu dengan dia, ala-ala Noraini Jane. The kakak KWSP tudung said, I can withdraw all if I want to migrate but with condition, I kena surrender my Mykad. Haiyooo....mula-mula ingat nak go ahead aje, but bila pikir-pikir balik, kalau surrender Mykad, nanti passport mati, nak renew cemana kan? But still, I’m allowed to withdraw money from account 2 yang sebanyak taik hidung tu.Hmmmm.....kena bermesyuarah ni.

Second destination ialah Ampang Park. Ini adalah atas arahan my friend si Tyra Banks tu (bukan nama sebenar) yang mintak dibelikan Office Window Vista versi lanun. Pehal Cik Tyra Banks kita yang dah kayo tapi masih nak pakai software lanun ni, taklah Makji Esah tau. I pulak macam orang bangang gi approach all the VCD seller tanya ‘Ey, lu ada jual XXXX pirate punya ka?’. After few people ku tanya and tak berjaya, I asked MB yang sungguh bagus PR nya tu gi cari pulak. Berbekalkan direction yang dibagi oleh sorang amoi jual VCD haram ni, dapat lah kami cari kedai computer ni. I went in and asked if they sell that software and this guy dengan confidentnya tanya kat we all, you nak yang original ke yang copy punya. Waduhhh....I pun jawab lah, ‘wouldn’t I be in trouble if I asked for the counterfeit copy?’ (sesambil buat-buat muka innocent) That guy dengan gentleman nya cakaplah ‘I don’t condone the piracy but I can show you the place where you can get the pirate software’. Cehhh....maka selepas itu, masuklah kami ke kedai apek ni yang dipenuhi segala software-moftware haram ittew. Hah..pueh ati kau, Tyra Banks?

Bila dah lapar, we all teragaklah nak makan kat Burit Ombak....ish..Bora Ombak. I remember coming here 2 years ago but MB’s sisters teringin nak pergi and since we all dah ada kat Jalan Ampang yang gampang tu, maka kami pun teruslah pergi ketempat yang kononnya dipenuhi oleh celebrity tu (ada ka Sila Majit makan mee kolok di sia?) Ptuihhh.....tutup pulak tu. We returned back to Ampang Park and makan kat this very small cafe yang jual Chee Chong Fun yang sedap tu. (But in the end, sampai la jugak hajat kakak-kakak MB nak makan di Bora Ombak yang banyak nyamuk tu. We went there for dinner)

At this point, I can no longer be in a car. Driving in KL nowadays is worst than driving in Central London, in fact, Central London is far more better with no mat-mat motor yang tah dari mana datang tetiba main muncul aje pastu, menyelit-nyelit dengan sesuka ati atuk dia. We travelled to KL Sentral and Central market via the PUTRA and alhamdulillah, segala barang yang dikirim oleh kengkawan yang kegersangan kuih raya dah dibeli. So Tyra Banks and Nuri (nama sebenar) kuih-kuih kiriman you all dah ku borong. Tyra Banks, kitak sik mauk kuih batang buruk ke?

Knowing me, I can’t help to noticed segala benda-benda yang tak berkenan dihati and dibulan yang mulia ni masih jugak nak mengutuk. I observed a few occurence yang tak perlu and how I wish, after all these years things will change.Many things has changed, too many, from roads to buildings. Malaysians are capable in altering plenty things, and if only they can alter themselves (their mentality) to a better.

a) I was at KL Sentral MAS office to book my seat back home (tak nak lah kena himpit dengan orang-orang jakun lagi kan?) while we were served politely by a nice lady called Vijaya (promote, jgn tak promote) ada pulak Pakcik Pek ni, terjerit-jerit kat counter sebelah. Well, if I’m in his shoes, haruslah nak marah-marah kalau dapat false info over the phone. MAS are very good at misleading people over the phone tau? But for him to abuse that poor counter girl sungguhlah tak perlu. His attitude reminds me of my inflight incident where I was verbally abused by some jahanam yang tak sedar diri. Marah satu cerita, kena menegking-nengking ke? Speaking of which, why are we Malaysian still tolerate this kind of behaviour? No one should be abuse in their workplace, and that Pakcik Pek, should be removed rather than be allowed to air his grievances macam orang jual ubat kat dalam MAS office tu. Cubalah buat macam tu kat Council office ke, Royal Mail ke, haruslah kau kena remove dengan security kan?

b) PUTRA under/overground. Sungguhlah canggihnya and thanks, for the airconditioning. Tapi, kenapa orang dalam tak dibagi keluar dulu hah? Kenapa semuanya nak masuk train macam anak-anak kambing Mary? Lagi satu, bila orang nak keluar, yang berdiri-berdiri tu patut make way lah kan, nak bagi orang-orang senang keluar. Ni tak, terpacak macam Shah Rukh Khan tak jadi.MB was almost terperangkap dalam train because she can’t come out on time.Ikut ati nak aje I jerit kat Shah Rukh Khan tak jadi tu, ‘Weiii...PODAHHHH’. By the way, is the word PODAHHH means ‘lalu sikit/tepi sikit’ in tamil? Tak pun ‘Gi mampus kau’ boleh ke?

Well, akhirnya, selepas puas mengembara KL (never again with car, ptuihhh) we safely arrived Subang Jaya at 8pm. Masa ni lah nak mengacau bini-bini orang. Bini orang nombor satu, bila ditelefon, tengah tengok ‘Desperate Housewife’. Ish..so telling kan? Puas ku goda ajak jumpa, takut laki katanya, nak gi raya rumah in laws. Ciss...tapi hati meronta nak berkhalwat dengan I kan?

Bini orang nombor 2, well tengah tidur dek demam kata laki nya. It was after a while that I realised that I tak acknowledge pun laki dia masa ku telephone. Kurang ajar betul. But I did call back and berborak lah aku dengan laki orang tu (yang suara desperate cam nak berak bunyi nya)

Ni nak tanya, apasal hari-hari ada cerita hantu kat TV la ni? Hantu Pokok Pisang la, Hantu Jeruk Perut la, Pontianak Sundal la....and pastu, budak-budak Academy Fantasia tu tak sudah-sudah ke nak buat concert? Bosannnnnnn tau.

Update

Raya kedua today. Like anak tak mengenang budi, I choose to make myself scarce away from home and sought refuge at my sister’s house in Subang Jaya. I told my mother that I got berlambak open house to go to, and I need to go as the open houses are my friend’s yang kalau tak pergi ‘nanti kengkawan kecik ati’. Cehh...macamlah banyak kengkawan. The real fact is I’m so bored. My sister (the one that I talk to most of the time) is following her hubby to jalan to rumah mak mertua and she and her lot will be out of coverage for couple of days. My younger brother a.k.a. my supir whom service is no longer required as he langgar red light on our way to pasar malam that malam raya (nasib baik aku tak mati, tau?) is far too busy with his friends plus we are not on speaking terms after his attempt to get me killed in road accident (drama nya I) thus tanpa service nya, tak keluar rumah lah aku plus I really got sick of my cousins, aunties and tah sesapa lagi sedara mara yang tak habis-habis gigih nak melacurkan I dipagi-pagi raya tu dengan segala mat-mat bujangan,dudaan dalam kampung tu.

Yes you all, since malam raya and pagi raya, I kept on getting introduced to Din lah, Mat Zain lah, Fadil lah, Razali lah from my relatives.Dalam pada datang rumah I bertakbir boleh lagi buat continuity appointment nak datang raya besok. My relatives are really treating me like The Memoir Of Geisha and introduced me to at least 6 jantan sekaligus.One of the guy was even so daring to tegur I in front of my father on our way to kubur.Haiyooo....lucky we all in a raya mood kalau tak, I’m sure that guy will become the latest ahli kubur, if I decided to tell my father that he is ‘stalking’ me from last night. Now, I’m a drama queen!!!

Believe me, this guys are all not so bad looking. I even go to same school (sekolah rendah) with one of them. But apa lah masalahnya some still membujang and kena reject dipertengahan jalan, tak tau la. Believe me, although the age different is not that great, I look like a schoolgirl compare to them. Suddenly all men my age dah berupa macam bapak orang la ni. Why eh? Tak cemburu ke they all nengok Anuar Zain yang makin hari makin hensem tu?

Nak dijadikan cerita, all 6 came to my parents house (perlu diingat...ni they all masing-masing datang different time tau) that pagi raya and like anak dara sunti (sunti hapa....suntuk la ni) me and my younger sister do the hidang air, replenish foods and let the orang tua melayan the jejantans. Padan muka kau, kan? Nak benar datang rumah, sah sah my parents tau I ni takde kawan, they just thought this jantans are budak-budak kampung anak their neighbours. By 5pm, all my relatives were calling me asking for feedback of their proposed calon. ‘Ey, ekau bekonan tak? Kau goma tak budak tu?’ Yikssss...

In the end, I only entertain 1 out of 6. Just because this guy satu sekolah rendah dengan I. Nothing romantic as we all pun dah kenal each other since we darjah satu and he can’t do much because I know about his sejarah silam kencing dalam seluar. But we had a good laugh and he was the one who drove me to Subang Jaya today. Pandai tak aku mengambik kesempatan, Kiah?

We were joking about how his kakak ipar (my relative yang berbau-bau taik kambing tu) keep promoting me to him, unbeknown to him that the girl that she was campaigning about was me. I asked him why he is still single (after telling him that my reason of still being single is just ‘tak laku’) he just keeps mumble tak jumpa yang sesuai lah, takde masa lah, sibuk kerja lah...(ye lah tu) I secretly suspect that he is a closeted case. Active betul gaydar ku.Somehow, I can tell whose metro sexual and who’s homosexual. Cabul benar mulutku, kesian mamat ni.

He offered himself as my supir (I told him about my brother) and gave me his mobile phone number. He dropped me off (I tak ajak dia singgah pun, takut my sister gi cakap pulak kat orang yang aku naik kereta dengan dia...hah...gossip sekampung kan?) and we promised to see each other soon. He asked me again, why am I still single. Seperti biasa, ala-ala Mrs Marple nya aku ni, jawablah ‘same reason as you’.

What ever that is.

P/s Lisz, terimak kasih ya, merik tauk kamek suruh nangga cerita Sila Majit ya raya petama. Kamek sukkk gilak. Nya nang kacak, bah.Kenak anak duak yang tua rupa kedak bapak sik kacak ya..haiyoo.

Selamat Hari Raya

I safely arrived KLIA on Wednesday. With MAS. It was delayed for 2 hours and according to the pilot because it was due to the heavy traffic at Heathrow but what was obvious is that it was too many people with too heavy luggage and it took me almost an hour queuing with the people at the checking in desk keep having to unload/off load their heavy bag. So kesian, but they only have themselves to blame. Dah tau luggage allowance ada 20kg, yang gi bawak barang sampai 40 kilo, siapa yang suruh? People usually resent on paying for extra baggage charges as it might be equivalent as paying for another fare home. Nak tak nak, kenalah adjust, bawak keluar itu, bawak keluar ini kan?

I have this check list of things to do before leaving for KL, and macam biasa, list will still be a list, implementation takde. I was working on the day that I was due flying and only started looking for clothes to pack at 4pm, knowing that I had to be at the airport at 6pm. Ni lah baru namanya frequent traveller, Kiah. Hari ni nak fly, hari ni baru nak mampus nak pack baju seluar dalam bagai.

To all my friends, Bella, Kiah,Lee, Makji Eton, Aizee and Sarafina, haiyoo...I do have to apologise.Tah hapa penyakitnya sekarang ni Royal Mail buat strike tak habis-habis, my Eid card with intent to send to you all dah kena return. Yang menyakitkan hati, Makji Eton, I dah bungkus bagi hadiah to cheer you up sempena hari-hari raya ni, tapi Post Office boleh direjectnya parcel ku, boleh? Tunggulah ye, maybe lepas raya or quite rightly lepas Royal Mail strike ni sampailah ye.

My journey with MAS was an unpleasant one. First, I was abused by this man who decided to behave like a 12 years old boy. Nak dijadikan cerita, I think it was past midnight and I think I was somewhere between the English Channel dengan Italy/France and was dozing off.Tetiba terasa macam ada benda pressing hard on my knees that was unusually positioned (they’re on top of each other) and I saw this person in front of me reclining his/her seat very, very low.Dah la kaki I panjang, I can’t move my legs. I had to ask MB to approach the passing steward to ask the person infont of me to adjust their seat. Si steward ni boleh cakap ‘saya takleh buat apa-apa, Kak’.

Certain people ada habit yang bila dah naik economy class tu tapi nak behave macam naik business class. Dah tau tempat duduk kecik, considerlah orang depan belakang, kan? I had to ask the person in front of me to adjust her seat, tapi they all buat tak layan and I had no choice but to manually adjust/release my legs and of course, the impact to the front seat was significant.Tiba-tiba muncul lah sijantan ni.He must be kneeling on his seat and asking me what is my problem. I said to him, I had to move my legs as they reclined their seat lower till it presses against it. This guy dengan accent kandang babi nya, teruslah cakap kalau I tak suka dia recline seat dia, I boleh duduk tempat lain, things like who said we can’t recline our seat semua jadah keluar dari mulut dia. I cakap balik, I’m not saying you can’t, I am asking you to be considerate, I’m having problem here. He just went, ‘Is your leg 8 foot?’ As I was explaining, he keeps cutting me off until I had to say ‘can you let me finish’. Akin to a bully, he just ‘No!!! You listen to me!!!’ Knowing that this type of people, maka buang masalah kalau nak layan pun, I terus cakap ‘Well, I’m going to stop talking to you now, but I am not responsible if you’re uncomfortable as I will be moving my leg as and when I like’. He keeps on blabbering and I just tell him ‘Stop talking to me and why don’t you just piss off back to your seat’. He just stood there keep staring at me macam kaki bully tak cukup umur. I am so close to remark on his babi-face look but nanti jadi racial discrimination pulak so what I can do is to be as sarcastic as I can by telling him ‘Are you going to keep doing that for the next 13 hours? Suit yourself’. I terus makan kacang and that ugly looking pug nose guy terus duduk all the way KLIA with his reclined seat.

What upsets me is that the cabin crew did nothing to stop the altercation. As it is I felt so bad have to argue and disturbed people peace but the crew did not take any notice and I bet, kalau lah I ni Mak Gagak with a burly beefy boyfriend, mau mati kot kena tumbuk jantan tu. I keep telling myself; never again with MAS.The fare was exorbitantly expensive with a crap service and lap kaki food. I die to find out siapalah head of the cabin crew recruitment. The crew are not well groomed with faces all full of zits. Lainlah kalau I dapat free ticket ke, I should have stick to the unpretentious Emirates, biarlah stopover lelama pun kat Dubai. How on earth MAS boleh dapat best cabin crew award pun tak tau lah. Maybe they’re nicer to the foreigner and first class people. So discriminating.

I had so much fun today, beli baju raya at Subang Parade. It was so cheap and nice. I was struggling to combat my sleepiness, menguap sana menguap sini.We went to Giant to beli barang for raya and at the check out counter, masa bayar, MB was told that her credit card was declined. I doubt that happen and I suruh MB tanya that young man if the card requires a pin. That man cakap ‘Aah lah, dia mintak pin number’. I look at MB and sighed over the sombong-bodohness of them. Tak tau, tanyalah kan. Kata nak promote year 2007 visit Malaysia, haruslah foreign card sekarang dah pakai chip and pin. Ni tak, terus cakap declined padahal tak decline pon. Sakit hati tau....

Kiah, lupa nak cakap dengan you tadi, tak kedai CD mana yang kau pergi, aku dengan senang-senang nya boleh jumpa cd ‘FREEDOM’ yang kononnya kau satu Malaya susah nak cari tu. I saw ‘RAMLAH RAM’ as well, terus ingat kat Lee. Lee, kalau you all nak, cakaplah ye. Greatest collection tu.

To all, thanks for the raya wishes. I am now in the United State of 9, having a quiet time with my family with a dial up internet connection. Wahhhh!!!!

Selamat Hari Raya to all of you who reads, from me and my family. Here I am, masih kuat mengomplen walaupun dah nak dekat habis puasa.

Update

Atas permintaan Cik Kiah (kau dah mandi ke belum, nah?) maka, terimalah update ku yang maha seciput ni.

My flight ticket arrived in the post 3 days ago.Syukurrrr....it was rather memeningkan kepala, since all my bank details masih pakai address lama and I pulak, masih la takde masa nak pergi telepon bank nak tukar address (tapi boleh lak berborak dengan JT, cemana tu?) Kerana ketidak-efficient-nan MB, maka we both have to pay extra £100 for this ticket, tapi...quoting MB 'elehhh..kita kan dah kaya' maka, kalau boleh, I dah tak mau ingat-ingat lagi that cheap ticket yang dah terlepas dek kemalasan MB nak respond email I.But looking at the bright side, this time we all dapat balik makek belun MAS, yang direct and takde stopover mana-mana.

Yes you all, after my Nandos date (walaupun tertipu) I dengan rela hati pergi minum kopi dengan silahabau tembam tu, last Monday. Apa hal, suka dating hari Isnin kan? For those who thought that we both re living drama hindustan during our last date at Nandos, as in, I walked away ala-ala sang girlfriend yang tengah mengamuk gila dengan pakwe nya, dengan lari meninggalkan JT kat meja makan sensorang, perlu diberitahu yang adegan ini tidaklah berlaku.Walaupun si JT masa tu tengah mengalami sawan babi yang kronik plus tak reti bahasanya yang aku ni nak balik pasal dah gelap, I am not THAT cruel to leave him there by himself.Plus, malu lah kan...nanti orang keliling kata apa pulak.Macam aku pulak yang bermasalah, padahal nak blah sangat pasal nak kejar tube.Although I told him that I need to run, I actually didn't . He must have read my body language that he decided to snap out of his wallowing-self-pity moment and we ended up walking out together from Nandos. It is so obvious to me that he is emotionally disturbed and with me walking out (konon nya lah) is going to crushed his self-esteem yang dah tak ada tu. Work experience taught me a lot about dealing with 'sensitive' soul ni. Hish...bila I kenang-kenang balik segala kes-kes serial killer or mentally induced murder case, maka tak usah lah nak buat drama dengan orang-orang cam ni.Plus, dia ni kan kawan sekolah I, apa-apa pun, sympathy misti ada kan, Kiah? Walaupun hati menyampah gitu. However, dalam taknak-taknak hurt his ego tu, sempat jugak I cakap kat dia 'K, you are really making me feel uncomfortable'.Haiyooo....JT masa tu pandang macam nak dicekiknya leher I.That managed to made him speechless dengan mata buntang nya and until the I reached the Underground Stn, we do not exchanged any words, maybe sebab dia terperanjat kot, yang aku pi bagitau kat dia yang aku sekarang dah rasa amatlah tak selesa.

JT didn't call me for a good 48 hours. Not that I'm counting but the freedom of not being 'harrassed' is so vivid that I am capable to remember berapa lama.I thought, okaylah...dah sakit ati lah tu, maka aman lah hidup ku pasni tanpa gangguan.But last Wednesday, he surprising rang. I was at F, macam biasa, masuk duty jaga sipatah kaki tu.We talked for 40 minutes and he was very apologetic.Maybe because I was restless that day that I can give him that time of the day or I was just turning into my psychobabble mood nak melayan si jantan-kronik-emosi ni.

Like a broken radio, JT dengan tanpa segan silunya start feeling sorry for himself, telling me how lonely he is and how he feels confortable in my company.Macam akauntan bertauliah jugak lah I dok remind him that we just met, although we have known each other long ago tapi masa tu, siapalah diri ni yang tak dipandang oleh jejaka hensem cam dia.(Padan lah muka kan...)

JT start asking about me, if I'm seeing someone...buta kah matanya? I never failed to wear my commitment band, buat-buat tak nampak kot?

'I'm with someone, we have been together for 6 years now'. 'You should have told me' 'Why?' 'You gave me hope' 'What sort of hope?' 'Ahhh...you don't understand'
'Yes, you're right, I don't understand'

We meet for coffee after this phone conversation. I was happy as Larry, ye lah.He must know where he stands with me now.Lepas dikatanya aku yang bagi dia harapan, harapan apa pun taktau la, JT asked to meet for coffee and me, knowing there is no longer an expectation, plus I kan suka minum kopi, terimalah invitation nya.But JT was as stressed out as ever.

Nantilah I update what we talked about during the coffee meet.

Update

I dapat dua tag dalam 3 hari dah tak ber blog ni. Puasa punya pasal, I didn't carry my laptop around (jugak pasal 2,3 hari hujan semanjang...pehal tak tau..Autumn dah start lah tu kan?) Semenjak puasa ni jugaklah, activity main ular kat tempat kerja rancak digugurkan sementara pasal taknak dapat dosa makan gaji buta. Ye lah tu...

Yang betulnya, tak update pasal penat. Penat kerja, penat puasa and penat jaga orang patah kaki yang semakin hari semakin menyakitkan hati. Tapi, dalam penat-penat, boleh lagi pergi buka puasa minum kopi dengan Jejaka (yang perasan dirinya) Idaman Malaya tu. Dalam pada kena jadik nurse, boleh lagi melayan Jejaka Tembam Idaman Malaya tu dalam telepon. Hish...apa ni, kata tak suka, layan bakpo?

Well, some men will say, if we be upfront (as in kalau tak suka, cakap aje) and then, they will get the gist. Well, some men. SOME MEN!!!

This man, dah ku tak layan, dah ku avoid cam nak mampus...and to the extent, dah ku sindir/kutuk/humiliate kebangangan nya yang mutlak tu depan-depan muka dia, masih lagi tak paham. I think that it is so true with men, with their selective learning difficulties. They will pick and choose apa dia nak paham and tak nak paham.

Why I still melayan?

a) Pasal nak update about him in my blog? Hish...sebelum dia or without him pun, I can still write.
b) Pasal diri sendiri gatal ke? Cesss...tolonglah, Anuar Zain ke kacau, takpelah jugak.
c) Desperate sangat ke? Me or him?

Kesimpulannya, when look back to why ex wives yang dah kena seksa/pelangkung/tipu dek laki semasing and balik semula ke pangkuan beruang tu, ever wonder why they did?

Tak layan, di kacau. Men says women are too noisy...as in cakap banyak..pok pek pok pek. Maybe true. Pok pek pok pek ni adalah antara activity yang therapeutic yang menghilangkan stress yang mainly datang dari jejantan ni.

Honestly, we women want a quiet life. And life is so quiet without a man.And a quiet life can also be achieved by giving them men, what they want. Dia nak jumpa and ajak minum kopi, dah la tu, cakap sekali aje tak cukup, cakap dalam phone, text message....hah kau!!! Harus tak kau jawab..ok la..ok la ?

Motif tetiba lak ada unsur-unsur women's lib ni?

To Guile & Hjh Leemah, akan ku usahakan tag mu. Tapi Hjh Leemah, tag mung tu macam payoh la...dah le kawe ni bukan computer savvy.....