I have recurring not so pleasant dream...lately. I am not sure if it is a pre warned message of not going ahead with I want to do...err, hal kecik lah actually but by doing it it actually means a lot to me and MC. (okay, aku menjawab bagi pihak dia)
Recent kejadian yang menyakitkan hati has left me....traumatised. Tu diahh..macam lah major problem (but in my case it was) but it tainted my feelings towards some people. But perasaan marah campur trauma tu terbawak lah pulak ke hal lain yang sama discipline nya. Yes, I may have told some people that I spoke to that I want to move forward from it. Move forward yes, forgiven and forgotten no. Every now and again I will think about it...just to remind myself, okay enough is enough. MB's words ringing true, orang bukannya macam you.
I don't want to talk about THAT dream. This one I had last night was a special one. Because it feels like it played long in my dream.
I was in the car with Siamang. His Vitarra car. The one yang dia beli masa dia baru dapat gaji plus duit2 yang banyak. I remember his words. This is OUR car. Padahal duit dia. Well, I tell you, when he wants to be sweet, he can be. Just not all the time. In that car jugaklah...first pulak I naik kereta tu, he told me he is getting maried.
Not a single years goes by that I didn't wonder why. I have asked him why. He never gave me straight answer. I know he wants too, but he is like MC. Don't want to hurt me (but they did!)
Everytime when I reminisce the good time, I cry. Until now. Because I can't believe betapa sampainya hati orang membuat I macam tu. Plus why would one want to damage such a perfect relationship. Gilpren yang penyabar, tempat lap kaki iskk...iskkk. Kalau hidup ini perfect, takkan lah Nora Danish yang lawa tu kena cerai kannn? Tengah mengandung pulak tu! But I may have done bad things to another person and that's how I got my punishment. Entah lah.
Of course, even in my dream...I tetap gak lah nak menyelesaikan hutang lapuk I dengan dia dengan bertanya, kenapa you buat I macam tu etc etc. And of course mimpi itu didatangkan bukanlah nak melengkapkan puzzle ye Kiah...macam mana dia mengelat nak menjawab dimasa hidup nya, macam tu jugaklah dia mengelat bila dia dah di alam lain.
Living this long, I should have known better that...life is not a flat surface.
MC, in some sweetest moment can compliment how I never gave up on us albeit perangai puaka nya. Dalam hati nak aje cakap..tunggulah you belum tengok. I am so aware I am dating the most self centred person on earth, so I can die hoping orang tu akan berubah. Tak payah lah. The good thing is I'm not in a relationship that involves lies....well, not between us. I think there's a line between nasty and self centred. I will have no problem kalau dia nak berperangai macam tu seumur hidup nya. Idea of happiness nya is different, kan?
My idea of happiness is simple and cheap. Of course I sudah puas dijanji palsukan oleh macam2 benda..but in the end, elehh. I am not as lucky as some who disajikan macam2 benda oleh boipren/laki/partners etc. I am very much a Yuna in this one...ku hanya mampu jadi milik mu pasti kan kau bahagia....
Macam tu lah.