About Me

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Note To You...and To Self

I arrived London yesterday and back in the office today. I don't suffer from the jetlag although I did got up at my normal waking up in KL..1pm. Hehehe...
Mana yang tak sempat ditelefoni...I can only menyusun sepuluh jari...
Mana yang tak sempat nak jumpa...pun sama juga, although I would like to say that it is only normal for me to respond to those who has approached...I ni pemaliewww orang nya. So mana yang terasa dan menyangkakan yang I ni Diva Divana gila...memang I Diva Divana gila pun...and I can only mix with the alike. Ceh...
I'm sure those who live far from the love ones who only jumpa mak bapak setahun sekali (kalau kaya) familiar with the uncertainty feelings.Especially bila dah dekat-dekat hari nak balik tu.
It was equally hard for me too. Kadang-kadang kita tak tahu..maybe ni lah last time kita dapat jumpa orang2 ni...
I was having a quite difficult time 'gelling' with my father this time and instead of playing along the rule of thumb like my other siblings...I displayed my kekerasan hati with no indication to back down.
I don't know why I did it...but I suspect, it is the only way for me not to get over attached!!!
Father however mellowed...(terbalik betul) and I really did enjoy my holiday finale moment walaupun aku tak petah berkata-kata dek kerna mulut ku yang bengkak macam tembikai ittew.
Like before...penyu menangis takde orang nampak...menangis kat dalam taxi..kat boarding hall...on the flight back.
One person said...'Makji, you duduk far-far away is entirely your choice and within your control, so kalau tiba-tiba you rasa emosi...you kena ingatlah ini pilihan you, bukannya orang lain.Harap-harap you tahulah apa yang you buat'....
Ish....panas hati jugak I baca this comment but in the end, you really have to surrender to the fact that orang can bercakap ikut sedap hati.
On the whole, it may look like this is the choice that I made freewillingly...but if we trode further, although is a choice, it remain a few choices you had to choose hoping that it will work out.
Ikut hati boleh mati....tak ikut hati pun...boleh mati merana juga...we can never know what is in store.
You marry someone you love hoping that it will be the best ever decision you have made and never to dream about him nak menyundal dengan orang lain ditengah hari...you will then left with a decision...should you carry on? Anak dah 2,3...they need a father/mother.You are nervous thinking about how well will you cope alone.Apa orang kata? We sometimes think too much.If marriage failed because of your partner pergi ber gewe pulak dengan tah sapa-sapa sundal malam...you will be anxious pulak dengan potensi-potensi komen puaka like...'mana tak nya si laki/bini cari orang lain..kau tengok lah dia nya pun...'.
You will then be so,so nervous about other women who will now think that you are available to sambar their laki now that you dah kena tinggal...and that you're desperate for their laki 'alat picagari'.
The thought of readjusting your life from the usual boring but bearable to something so uncertain you can't imagine is equally nervewrecking too.
So what can we do with our choices yang berlambak-lambak tu?
Kita pun tak tau kan?
I have read about people not getting along with their parents and talk openly about their feelings only to be met with comments like...'alah, you ada 2 aje parents masih hidup, cuba-cubalah bersyukur and menghargai sementara orang tu masih ada' or something like ' you ni anak tak mengenang budi..kalaulah parents you jahat sangat, you tak kan besar jadi orang'..bla..bla..bla..
But how do we know that they haven't tried? Relationships with parents can be difficult and ye lah, orang tu mungkin tak kan hidup lama tapi berbaloi ke bergaduh dan menyeksa hati demi menurutkan apa orang mintak?
Nobody wants a bad relationship. Sometimes things are not easy as it seems.You really got to find a way that works.And only you know what works...not those yang hanya tahu membukak mulut macam dialah yang tahu semuanya...
And I don't have a point. I only want your empathy.

3 comments:

N82 said...

Just because there are advertisements of how happy family looks like everywhere in the media, doesn't mean unhappy families don't exist. Stop blaming on the kids. Obviously people have been watching too much typical Malay dramas where kids got swallowed into the ground or having difficulties in life just because they don't obey their parents.

Some people are simply like that, thinking they know and understand everything. Distance is what keeps my parents and their offsprings together otherwise there would be murder especially that my parents thinks it is ok to say and do anything including telling my eldest brother who has 4 kids not to work abroad (he didn't give a shit, he went away and now sponsoring my study) and judging me that I am a big sinner because I am deaf just because they are older.

Some cousins understand so they keep quiet. Some of those cousins though, said things like "Come on, they are your parents". Right, try living with them for at least 1 week like the other cousins who keep quiet.

And people who don't know anything but love judging will say, oh, kau anak durhaka. Rase nak lempang je sekor sekor.

captainlukman said...

im the 1st in my fam who made early decision to work abroad since teenager. They have to agreed bcoz ,they knew anak dia keras kepala...dilarang pun buat jugak.

But to those yg tataw n sibuk bertanya bila nak balik...bila nak balik**for goods** sounds kerja aku ni bodoh n tak pakai otak** not like their children yg bijak pandai engr...architect. But i knew i my parents proud.ok tak?

Manal said...

And to echo the diva part:very likely that a diva will attract another diva....ok ka makji?