From Reading....Without Love

A classic love story.

Boy and girl went out together for the first time, 3 weeks after his first letter 'boleh kita berkenalan?' to her. In total, there's 7 correspondences between the two, 4 from him and 3 from her.

He took her to Warung Mak Su (tatau lah kalau warung ni masih wujud) for nasi lemak and teh ais.Girl got so excited she exceeded the curfew and in return, she was awarded with long lecture from Cikgu Kesumawati Scientist Tak Jadi tu....

The whole Maktab knew about their innocent affair...the boy played rugby and football for the school...he is also very good looking and he is one of not many boys in that year who wears 'Reebok' and Benetton shirt.Whoaaahhh!!!! The girl pun lawa...no other girl stand a chance with him.She is so lucky.

Cikgu Kesumawati lectures that evening or every other evening did not deter her one bit and the two will go on date whenever they can...kat Pekan, kat Library, kat kantin, exhanging glances kat dewan makan and kat padang...

Both boy and girl despite very,very intense relationship passed their SPM with flying colours...

But that spells the end of the affair...well, not immediately. Girl got posted to UK and boy is flying to OZ. The continue their dating episodes in Shah Alam.Boy was in Ausmat and girl was in NCUK.

Campur,tolak,bahagi and darab...the love story lasted for 6 years...girl blamed the distance (and her new beau who is also now her husband) and boy was brokenhearted.

So brokenhearted that he remain single for the next 5 years...

5 years ago he was pushing 30 an with mounting pressure from amma,appa,ayam and kambing...he agree to marry.No whirlwind romance...keluar makan 3,4 kali...tengok wayang 2 kali...she likes him and he think she is 'cute', what the hell...bercinta nak mampos pun tak jadi juga he thinks, he decided this time tak payah nak cinta-cinta and let's do it the old fashion way.

This the 5th year...after all these years.

Today, like our any other coffee dates...the boy (for the record...the handsome boy is no longer handsome) can't stop whinging, can't stop feeling sorry that his first love dumped him and can't believe how stupid he has been rushing into a love-less marriage.

But you made that choice..I said.You were happy...at least in the beginning...

Have you ever made a mistake that cost you a lifetime?

Hish...everybody made mistake lah...and what do you mean cost you a lifetime? You are divorcing her...and habis-habis pun,half of your wealth will be gone.That is hardly a lifetime damage lah kawan...

I can't believe her audacity...bloody golddigger....

Eh, can I give you a homework? What you want me to do?

Why don't you write down what happened between you and your wife fom the beginning...until the day you decided that you have had enough and decided to leave her....in a lurch, without any explanation apart from you're feeling out of love for her.

Then you decide...maybe she is not a golddigger after all. You ruined her life too.

Bongok!!! (What I said to boy...dalam hati laaa)


p/s Lokmang...meh lah kita sama-sama menangis dengar lagu Rossa tu...

The Past, The Present & The Future. Worthy Battle?

One of my close friend bumped into her husband ex while we were out measuring roadway kat KL recently.

Nilah susahnya kan...if you go to the same school or university same with your hubby.You obviously have access to segala sejarah silamnya,including who he dated before you. Pengajaran...jangan berchenta dengan rakan seperjuangan.Berchentalah dengan orang yang takde kena mengena dengan you.This is the only advantage budak TKC has.Unless if you're practising lesbian, of course.

Kawan I ni...takde cacat celanya (eh..macam aku pulak yang berdating dengan dia) but since you pun tau sejarah hidup laki you macam Encyclopedia Kanak-Kanak, she knew the extent of the romance tak jadi lakinya tu.

Her laki pulak...not sure if being a wind up merchant is one of his specialty (selain dari mempetronas service bini nya) suka benar menyakitkan hati bininya dengan sengaja membuka sejarah lama.

Mulut I yang puaka ni, nak aje cakap kat my friend ni..kau ni bodoh lah.But mulut I memang puaka and I did tell her that she is stupid, menyesakkan akal memikir hal tak perlu lakinya.

The story was, laki and his ex, berchenta for 5 years...tup-tup laki kena hantar kat University yang sama dengan my friend ni (bini nya sekarang) and his ex, kena hantar kat tempat lain.Of course when you're young (and stupid) chenta 5 tahun is sealed as chenta maut, tak sedar yang kalau the chenta cannot withstand the distance is as good as chenta monyet because like monyet, you are free to bersenggayut from dahan to dahan.

In the end, pasangan chenta maut ittew married different people.The guy married my friend and the girl, married tahsapa-sapa jantan yang coincident nya, satu aliran pekerjaan pulak dengan one of our friend (not the one yang I cerita ni..tapi kawan rapat lah jugak)

I pun tak tahulah...apa hasilnya menyelongkar cerita lama but apparently her girl punya laki, ada jugak cuba usyar-usyar nak tahu pasal my friend's husband ni through his colleage yang juga our friends. (Don't worry, aku pun pening menulis nya)

Of course keadaan geography Malaysia yang kecik ittew menyebabkan everyone happens to be everyone's friends and they (the couples) ada jugak terjumpa-jumpa kat majlis-majlis reunion ke, hapa ke...(pengajaran...masuk alumni ke, Facebook group ke dengan budak satu sekolah you is not necessarily a good idea)

Bila dah jumpa, mengata.Baik yang jantan-jantan nya pun.Of course lah bila jantan mengata or bergossip, the matter becomes bak air lalu yang tak memberi makna but to my friends ni, sungguh terusik self-esteem nya.

I don't usually kisah masalah orang (you might say, wow..that's a change.Bukan ke orang yang kerja macam kerja I ni suka dengar masalah orang?) tapi kalau masalah orang tu mengganggu gugat my day especially when I am trying to enjoy a nice Ipoh White Coffee, panas lah jugak hati I.

Okay.You berchenta maut dengan si polan-polan.Bukannya you kena tipu/tinggal tanpa alasan macam I.You're hardly frust menonggeng (macam I) so buat apa lagi you nak sibuk-sibuk pasal dengan siapa sipolan tu kawin?

Yes.It is nice to gossip...gossip sikit-sikit okaylah...tapi kalau sampai serabut kepala, apa ke hal nya?

There's always a reason why you past did not make it to your future.You're presently happy...maybe your laki is a little bit annoying but apart from that, do you really want to think about his past,talk about his past when you bumped into his past?

On top of that, you are also interested to know his past punya past and sanggup pulak jadi CSI tanya situ, korek sini sana.

I have seen so many emotionally disturbed people...this is one of them.What is sad is because it is over something gravely petty.Believe me, your feelings will mature with you.You will experience a change of heart. Your past love life maybe so intense it can lit up a bonfire but if your feeling isn't there anymore, there is really nothing to worry about.

So ingatlah, walaupun laki or bini you berchenta persis Romeo & Juliet with his past sampai ugut nak terjun-terjun jematan..remember this, they're the past.Nobody terjun jematan pun in the end.You're happy now...anak pun dah dua 3.It's okay to reminisce...apart from that, it is just zilch.Get over it.

Watie...Oh Watie....

I had a weirdest dream.It is a big deal for me.

Not very early hours...I think it is between 4 to 6am.

I can't remember what it is about but it is in a work setup (the scenario) and I think I am some sort of boss besar (hish..tak nak kalah kan?) and Watie is my PA. Who is Watie? That Elite girl was so vivid in my dream as my PA.Apa kejadahnya Watie?

Watie, in my dream..was looking very appealing.I can't explain what sort of appeal was she presenting,but for sure I wasn't having any of those episode of Lesbian Erotica tau, Kiah.So sebelum kau berpikir yang bukan-bukan let me tell you this, even if I am having somekind of a LE moment, no offence to Watie but I'll be choosing someone else yang memenuhi citarasa ku.

I have never been a big fan of that all girl group Elite, tapi I adalah masa dedolu beli CD they all tu.Okaylah..not bad lah..compared to that kepastian and pengertian girls.Tapi still takleh lawan kita bersama mengejar mimpiii punya group.

I think, Watie was the least famous one.Ye lah...masa ni manalah dia ada scandal dengan sapa-sapa kan? But always, the least famous is the better vocal.Sasha Saidin is too OTT, Linda Rafar is too common...Azza's too loud and that left us with the two yang tak berapa stand out.Psychologically, we bound to have a bit more interest to one yang kita tak berapa tau.

Still, I left Malaysia too soon to find out more about Elite but some years later, somebody I know married to Linda (and bercerai jugak akhirnya) and I saw Sasha working in Superdrug (at the same time pi propah kat orang kat Malaysia yang dia tu kononnya berpangkat besar..hish, takbaik tipu tau)

I am so surprised, dalam banyak2 orang...apasal pulak I boleh mimpi pasal Watie padahal I satu apa pun tatau pasal dia, apart from nama dia Watie.

The mimpi that I had obviously halted in abrupt, kalau tak tak kan lah aku tertanya-tanya sepanjang hari.See, I was very disturbed by the dream.Why Watie? I can understand if Wan Zaleha yang keluar..but Watie? Apa kena mengena nya?

After half a day wondering why, you might think that I should rest about it but I didn't and I almost cancel my meeting because I can't get Watie out of my head.Kes berat ni....( or some might say..gilo kau ni!!!)

4pm today, I initiated a chit chat session dengan Senior Practitioner dalam opis I ni...sajalah nak tau apa yang menyebabkan kita ni suddenly termimpi pasal orang yang takde kena mengena dengan kita.Dream is always about a continuity of unfinished thoughts, logically but with me,yang tak logic nya, I tak kenal si Watie ni, so kenapa pulak I sampai mimpi dia?

On a bus home today, I recalled watching this late night drama...alaa..all those drama raya.There is this drama that I come across while flipping through the chanel.I don't know what is the tajuk but I do know it is about a facially deformed young gil who lives with the nenek.Because the drama was half way through...I only remember watching this girl and her nenek...talking to this man who visit their house, accompanied by Watie.But Watie tak cakap sepatah haram pun...apart from pose-pose muka stress.

This cacat girl said that her beautiful mother abandoned her and how she is missing her.Lagilah si Watie ni tak senang duduk and I think it gets too much that she (Watie) walked out from the house.

Seperti biasa drama Melayu di hari raya...you ran across the road deliberately without looking and super coincident that ada lori sedang menanti untuk buat-buat tak nampak lalu melanggar si pelari jarak dekat ni tadi.

Of course lah..the director/producer will allow a moment of sokseksoksek before you actually mati...and that's happened to Watie.

Now I remember...the question remain unanswered to me.Kenapa Watie lari tinggalkan anak dia? Kenapa itu dan kenapa ini? I never get to see the repeat.The more I think about it, the more I realised that my thought really never got settled and that's why Watie is still...unconsciously in my head.

Betul lah membuang masa....

Berbagi Suami, Boipren Dan DOT DOT DOT...

Boss I memang kejam....tak panas pun pungkok I kat my opis, sedap aje I disuruhnya pergi ke Dorset..about 2 to 2.5 hours drive dari tempat I ni.I memang dah agak dah..memang ada babi disebalik kuehtiau betul bila I telepon dia 2 hari lepas,telling her yang I dah masuk opis seperti sediakala. Boss kata..wahh..welkam back Makji...we missed you.We? Ceh..mestilah kata guna 'we' kan? Kang kalau cakap 'I' missed you, tak pasal-pasal kena whistleblow sexual harassment kan?

Sebagai pekerja yang menurut kata...I pun cakap okay lah.Kang nak melawan nanti dia ingat kita dah besar kepala pulak.Lagipun I ni terhutang body jugak pasal Boss that day approved cuti I yang short notice tu.Dah lah short notice, 5 straight weeks lak tu.

I got an urgent message from one young desperate hoswipe.Apparently kata secretary tak rasmi I...a.k.a. orang yang tukang ambik message kat DL I,masa I on holiday, ada 2,3 kali jugak dia mencari.Sebelum I pergi Dorset semalam, I pun telephone lah si adik ni. Adik ni is a high funsctioning autism.Very able bodied tapi kepalanya sungguhlah senget.Orang kata A, dia nak B jugak.She was in my case last year but after 30 weeks, I decided yang dah takde apa lagi nak difollow up however I ni kadang-kadang bermulut gatal pi cakap kat dia, kalau you ada problem..janganlah malu-malu contact opis I.

She wasn't a desperate hoswipe when I was seeing her, but she sure is one desperate case. Masa mula-mula I kenal dia, dia ni frust sebab takde orang nak kat dia.Hari-hari nangis...her low self-esteem made it worst.I remember how I wish not only her self-esteem is low.Macam-macam program my department buat untuk dia demi menghilangkan ke 'desperate' an dia ittew. Si adik ni pulak, demand nya boleh tahan...jantan-jantan available tapi bangsa terpeleot macam dia, tahu pulak dia tak berkenan.It was a murder for us.Imagine muka ghope dah lah macam Joyah..tapi ada hati nak kawan dengan Brad Pitt aje.Susah...susah.Nak berterus-terang dengan dia kang..janganlah jadi pungguk rindukan bulan...kang dia frust sampai bunuh diri..aku jugaklah yang susah.

Tapi Allah itu maha kaya...agaknya tuhan tahu betapa sakitnya jiwa I menasihatkan dia, alih-alih Cik Desperate Hoswipe (CDH) ni bertemulah dengan jejaka idaman kalbu nya.Jejaka idaman kalbu, taklah cun sangat, tapi boleh lah.So after a whirlwhid romance pegang-pegang tangan (and tah pegang apa-apa lagi) kat Day Centre tempat they all ni memadu asmara, they both decided to get serious, as in jumpa hari-hari, you datang rumah I, I datang rumah you..you kongkek I..I kongkek you that kind of arrangement. CDH semakin bahagia and kuranglah sikit challenging nature nya and for her accomplishment, I decided to closed her case last year.

When I spoke to her the other day, I reminded her that I'm no longer her caseworker and dia kenalah jumpa Duty Caseworker kat area dia.Tapi CDH kata dia nak cakap dengan I jugak sampai nangis-nangis dalam phone.Boss I kata, okaylah Makji, kalau you nak jumpa dia but make sure you report kat Duty Caseworker area tempat dia tinggal.

I told CDH yang I ada kat Dorset masa tu tapi I akan balik London for the weekend and dia bolehlah datang jumpa I kat opis besar.

See, from desperate woman to now desperate hoswipe.Masalah CDH sekarang is that she feel very distressed about her partner's sexual rejections.I wanted to transfer her case to a sexual therapist, but bila pikir balik, case dia ni bukannya case sexual tapi case emotional maka nak tak nak, kenalah aku dengar cerita nya.

Masalah CDH is way too common even to people who function normally.In your mind, it's perfectly alright for you to refuse sex whenever you're tired, stressed or have a headache.We often expect our partner to be understanding.Satu dua kali..okaylah.Tapi kalau dah 2 minggu ke berbulan-bulannya sakit kepala la..penat lah...haiyooh! Haruslah mati kegersangan kan?

I have a friend who told me yang dia punyalah dress to kill..(ni I tak paham...I thought, apalah susah-susah nak dress to kill...bukan ke bila you went into a kill, it is much better tak ber dress langsung?) tapi laki dia boleh buat tak heran.Puaslah member tu catwalk lah..dogwalk lah..tup tup Pakcik nya pergi tengok bola sambil mengangkang. Obviously after a while, my friend ni mulalah pikir yang bukan-bukan...she put two and two together - and came up with 17: His laki is having an affair, he's addicted to internet porn or he is no longer attracted to her.It is as if, she want his dick to stand to attention whenever she command and if it's doesn't, she catastrophise. Inilah case nya dengan si CDH ni....

Why is sexual rejection usually so much more devastating to women than for men? And when it happens, what can you do about it?

I think what it is, men are far more accustomed to rejection.They become used to it from their earliest teenage approaches,so it's no big deal for them jantan and they bounce back very quickly.Or, kalau you reject dia...dia dengan sukatinya akan cari lain. Perempuan ni aje yang have to get comfortable with a man that they begin to take the risk of being the initiators, finding that their forward gestures are gratefully received.But when his customary eagerness disappears, we woman begins to get a dose of our own medicine.

Unless if we are rule by our bottom head...sex can be affected by macam-macam hal.I am no expert however there's a type of people who have their head rule their body.

That's what I told CDH.I am only hoping that pakwe nya tu takde awek lain but is just having a bad day. I can't fix her problem but all I can do is to calm her down.

Men generally are more direct with their partners dalam hal ehwal macam ni.They can either tell you verbally that you are no longer mencapai kelulusan SIRIM in bed with him or he will tell you indirectly by berkawin lain dengan pompuan yang umur sama dengan Mak Kucing.We women, boleh kira dengan tangan lah siapa yang brutal boleh cakap direct kat laki...while the rest memendam rasa lah sampai ke tua..hoping that si laki nya tu mati cepat and kalau getah dibadan masih banyak, boleh lah kawin lain.

For consolation, remind yourself that his ocassional lack of interest is probably nothing to do with you.Don't pressure him or grill him about what's wrong.Instead, gently and supportively help him to de stress, relax and rest.If you suspect that he is withdrawing because he is passively angry with you, initiate a non blaming conversation to air your differences.Keep your petulant streak well under control.

Kalau dia memang dah ada pompuan lain with you discovered bukti-bukti yang kukuh...maintain your dignity (walaupun ayaq mata berchuchuran) dengan meng offer sijantan puaka tu..you kawin lah dengan pompuan itu.Anak,rumah and kereta bagi pada I dan tell him that you tak rela dimadukan.But it is up to you lah...kalau bermadu pun takpe jugak.Janji handbag berat.

Sekian nasihat puaka dari saya.

Make Sense Of Your Problems

Lupa nak bagitahu..ish, macamlah ada orang yang bertanya pun....that we in this Department (where I am currently attached to) adalah sangatlah digalakkan membuat kerja-kerja community yang tak bergaji...seperti menjawab panggilan-panggilan kecemasan...I'm not sure if this service is available in Malaysia but in the UK, it is called 'Crisis Line'.

So, setelah beberapa purnama menipu dan mengelat kat supervisor 'Crisis Line' ni, I pun sebab dah takde alasang..nak kata busy kerja..nanti dia cakap..ohh..kata busy, tapi boleh pulak pergi annual leave sampai 28 hari...so I agreed to sit in for 5 hours voluntary work...dengan harapan..takdelah orang sewel yang akan menggangguku...

Tapi...ada 3 caller you.....

Sometimes you can get those with their own problems. Ada tu pulak...masalah orang lain..like their friends and family yang they all kononnnya nak tolong selesaikan...or something of others that is affecting them direct and indirectly. Yang nak I umpat bukannya masaalah they all tu..but I sometimes wonder..betul kah yang tukang tanya tu tanya untuk orang lain or sebenarnya malu nak ngaku diri sendiri yang huru hara?

Problems is everywhere..dalam sokabar la..dalam telephone la..dalam radio laa..dalam TV laa....

I don't know how to explain to you this but i usually know what genuine and what's made up.

Ada orang problemnya..her friend is a constant dieters who always talks about what she's going to eat, or can't eat everytime they go out. Her friend ni will point out that she (the caller) is eating something calorific.Satu dua kali takpe..but after that it gets on her nerves. She said that her friend was anorexic in the past and now and then if dia terlebih makan, she will diets freciously. The caller ni kononnnya can't be bothered with any diets and find her friend's obsession is annoying.Tapi demi nak jaga hati kawan, she don't want to make a light of it yang si kawannya ni has a problem.

I don't know about you..but I really (maybe envy) hate orang yang bangsa takut makan ni...if you have a valid reason like takut makan ni pasal allergy or any health complexity like makan kambing then kena heart attack, then is bearable.Eating is a way of bonding...apart from exercise yang lain-lain...the casualty is you put on a bit (and more bit) of weight but uncounsciously, if you agree to go makan-makan, does that not tell you that you sebenarnya nak melantak? I must admit, I am one of this anti-social malu tapi mau pelantak.Orang ajak makan..I jawab..alaa..aku dah debab la...tapi pastu..hey, tolong masak nasik lemak.Apo makno eh tu?

It is very unfortunate that you have to keep your opinion to yourself doing this job...and so, I was careful supporting her plight...

It is obvious that si pemasaalah (the caller or her friend) is worried about the weight gain and the reaction is to seek assurance from the other person and that she is right to be concerned.You hide your true feelings and appear to take her problem seriously.Of course, your apparent concern reassures her and makes her feel justified in bringing up the subject.

My advice would be...kalau sipengomplen makes an anxious comment about food, act as if you don't hear her. You could say something like...there is so many interesting things to talk about...

If you wish to be totally direct, you could tell her that food-related conversations aren't really for you and would you please talk about something else?

You must remember...the person we find hard to convince is ourself.Being vain is okay...tapi kalau sampai takde benda lain yang nak diobses...tu gilo namo eh...

Another common problem you heard is that your partner says he/she doesn't want children. If a lady called, she will say it is her pakwe..vice versa.But you really don't know siapa sebenarnya yang tak nak beranak ni...

Macam ni lah...assess your relationship....how long have you been with your current partner and how old are you now? Kalau baru kawan/kawin and tetiba broody, you really wnat to think that having a child is not a small thing.You're still young...baru dua puluhan.Not many men or women are ready to be tied down with kids.Commitment with each other pun kira pengorbanan besar..ni nak berkorban lagi untuk anak.Talk to your partner nicely if you're not ready and that you still have time.

Tapi kalau dah kawan/kawin bertahun and umur dah dekat tarikh luput for producing...maybe it is best to give your partner an ultimatum.Nak tunggu apa lagi? He/she know what a baby is...if he/she not sharing your dream and enthusiasm and not even willing to compromise, carilah yang lain.Habis cerita, kan?

Para-para parents pulak, problem nya..is it okay to have a favourite child? From what I think, it is totally normal to find some people including children,easier to get along with than others,although such preferences may change with time. When we talk about interpersonal attraction, it's intresting that likes do not generally attract likes. We tend to prefer people with temperaments complementary to our own rather than the same as our own.At the same time we gravitate towards people whose values and outlook are more like our own.We tend to dislike those with personality traits that we wish we could change in ourselves.

If you're willing to- and d0-make sacrifices for and extend yourself for the good of your children and show that you love them both.I think (not that I'm a parent or an expert) it is best to treat this matter lightly.Let your children choose which of you they want to be with whenever possible.Remember, if you're finding one of them difficult, he or she probably feels the same way about you. You musn't worry if this is the case. Child may not favour you as much as their father or mother, but they do love you the same,only they will find it easier to express their feelings to the other one.

I know.

Note To You...and To Self

I arrived London yesterday and back in the office today. I don't suffer from the jetlag although I did got up at my normal waking up in KL..1pm. Hehehe...

Mana yang tak sempat ditelefoni...I can only menyusun sepuluh jari...

Mana yang tak sempat nak jumpa...pun sama juga, although I would like to say that it is only normal for me to respond to those who has approached...I ni pemaliewww orang nya. So mana yang terasa dan menyangkakan yang I ni Diva Divana gila...memang I Diva Divana gila pun...and I can only mix with the alike. Ceh...

I'm sure those who live far from the love ones who only jumpa mak bapak setahun sekali (kalau kaya) familiar with the uncertainty feelings.Especially bila dah dekat-dekat hari nak balik tu.

It was equally hard for me too. Kadang-kadang kita tak tahu..maybe ni lah last time kita dapat jumpa orang2 ni...

I was having a quite difficult time 'gelling' with my father this time and instead of playing along the rule of thumb like my other siblings...I displayed my kekerasan hati with no indication to back down.

I don't know why I did it...but I suspect, it is the only way for me not to get over attached!!!

Father however mellowed...(terbalik betul) and I really did enjoy my holiday finale moment walaupun aku tak petah berkata-kata dek kerna mulut ku yang bengkak macam tembikai ittew.

Like before...penyu menangis takde orang nampak...menangis kat dalam taxi..kat boarding hall...on the flight back.

One person said...'Makji, you duduk far-far away is entirely your choice and within your control, so kalau tiba-tiba you rasa emosi...you kena ingatlah ini pilihan you, bukannya orang lain.Harap-harap you tahulah apa yang you buat'....

Ish....panas hati jugak I baca this comment but in the end, you really have to surrender to the fact that orang can bercakap ikut sedap hati.

On the whole, it may look like this is the choice that I made freewillingly...but if we trode further, although is a choice, it remain a few choices you had to choose hoping that it will work out.

Ikut hati boleh mati....tak ikut hati pun...boleh mati merana juga...we can never know what is in store.

You marry someone you love hoping that it will be the best ever decision you have made and never to dream about him nak menyundal dengan orang lain ditengah hari...you will then left with a decision...should you carry on? Anak dah 2,3...they need a father/mother.You are nervous thinking about how well will you cope alone.Apa orang kata? We sometimes think too much.If marriage failed because of your partner pergi ber gewe pulak dengan tah sapa-sapa sundal malam...you will be anxious pulak dengan potensi-potensi komen puaka like...'mana tak nya si laki/bini cari orang lain..kau tengok lah dia nya pun...'.

You will then be so,so nervous about other women who will now think that you are available to sambar their laki now that you dah kena tinggal...and that you're desperate for their laki 'alat picagari'.

The thought of readjusting your life from the usual boring but bearable to something so uncertain you can't imagine is equally nervewrecking too.

So what can we do with our choices yang berlambak-lambak tu?

Kita pun tak tau kan?

I have read about people not getting along with their parents and talk openly about their feelings only to be met with comments like...'alah, you ada 2 aje parents masih hidup, cuba-cubalah bersyukur and menghargai sementara orang tu masih ada' or something like ' you ni anak tak mengenang budi..kalaulah parents you jahat sangat, you tak kan besar jadi orang'..bla..bla..bla..

But how do we know that they haven't tried? Relationships with parents can be difficult and ye lah, orang tu mungkin tak kan hidup lama tapi berbaloi ke bergaduh dan menyeksa hati demi menurutkan apa orang mintak?

Nobody wants a bad relationship. Sometimes things are not easy as it seems.You really got to find a way that works.And only you know what works...not those yang hanya tahu membukak mulut macam dialah yang tahu semuanya...

And I don't have a point. I only want your empathy.

Contemplating...

Dalam pada laptopku ittew gagal berfungsi sepenuhnya (adapter nya rosak ...hish..all this gadgets kan...ada aje idea nak ngabiskan duitku) I am so determine to update my blog, walaupun terpaksa pinjam computer orang.

I told 2 of my friends merangkap bloggers yang malas menghapdate blog that I intend to make this page private.

I told them that my reason is sebab I malas nak hupdate.Tapikan..tu reason palsu tawww....

If I can be honest, I have lately find blogging is a bit emotionally overbearing.

As much as I enjoy making and meeting new friends, I soon realised that I am not even half of what people think I am.Itu tak pe lagi...well,I think everyone knows that they shouldn't believe what they read, so if I lied, I got away with it.

I have nice people who gave nice feedback...too nice that I am now very,very anxious.

I also have have nice people who wants to be my Facebook friends.Some who passed security questions dah lepas lah masuk...but to those who are still pending, I really do have to apologise.

I have my fair share of bad comments (that obviously tak kena published) and kata-kata sindiran.How quick people to judge.

I am like you and like other people you know who can be emotionally affected.I too, get offended with obscenities and harsh critisism.Simply because my self esteem is not as high as I want it to be.

Like many others, I have my own problems,moment of madness,bad day and any other things. It is not easy to remain 'tak kisah' dengan apa orang kata.

You want to be honest with what's in your head...pun orang kata.I wonder if I write about my shopping trips (if any) and my non-existent private activities...lagi lah orang cakap macam-macam.

To those yang menyindir...I have no response to your sindiran.But I must tell you that you have succeeded in your intention, whatever it is it's only clear only to you. I hope you're happy.

To those yang mencarut,those who question my faith hence passing judgement to my parents ability, all I can say that I will not judge your parents based on your action, however I do hope that in future you lay off them.

I seems to get this question a lot...tak menyesalkah you kalau mak bapak you mati you takde nak mengadap?

If I can answer this question with all honesty...of course I wish to be with them on their last day however I do believe that this is a rezeki awarded by Allah.You can live next door to your parents and missed the final call.You don't know...and it is only fair if you don't assume.

Believe me, nobody wants to be far,far from parents,siblings and friends but if life is that easy, we won't be having this conversation.

Speak soon.

To My Friends

I had my wisdom tooth extracted out yesterday.Today...my left cheek is a bit fatter.In this matter, the fat doesn't really bother me.

To meet the appoinment time, I asked MB to arranged a taxi the night before to take me all the way to Cheras.I swear, kalaulah tak pasal appoinment hari ni, I never knew that this hospital exist.

I don't know whether it is all Dentists or is it just my friend (who happened to be one) think that they are at liberty to bagi komen-komen puaka about your gigi.

Bad enough that you have to live with your gigi yang tak proportion due to your childhood stupidy, is it really necessary to remind you the consequences of tak mendengar cakap mak masa kecik-kecik about penjagaan gigi?

The moment I entered that Department Maksilotahapa-hapa...and was asked to wait, there is this variety of gambar-gambar gigi,gusi and muka orang yang menakutkan...enough to encourage me to lari and never to talk to my friend again.

But I am 35 of age...and of course friendship is hard to come by.I didn't follow my heart although it is hard to sweep away the image of gusi,gigi bengkak and gambar mulut koyak rabak from your mind...

Oh no...I must not complain. My appoinment was fast tracked and for that I am forever thankful...although walaupun katanya nak offer I moral support, I can see from the corner of my eye (and my gigi) yang my Dentist friend ini sibuk menggodak Facebook.Moral support apanya tu?

The aftercare was excellent (!!!) My friends sympathises with my pain and offered a non-stop kata-kata perangsang whilst melantak Rojak Mamak, Nasi Briyani & Roti Bom kat aku yang yang tak boleh makan ni....

To my friends...The Dentist, Miss AA and Ratu Parking Bontot...thank you for being there for me.

Orang TELEKOM Yang Jahat

While in Malaysia...I am really trying to be a anak solehah to my parents. In my own criteria of anak solehah, it involves duduk rumah, taking interest in hal jiran tetangga walaupun dalam hal ehwal bergossipan...and protecting my parents against the 'power'.

My mother had her telephone wiring fixed by the Telekom people 2 days ago.I wasn't in. Today in our ocassional banter, amma told me that the wire is fixed.I asked what happened to it in a first place, amma said that the phone line sounded like a sand mixer. She had asked for it to be fixed many months ago but agaknya my mother ni bukanlah set wanita-wanita garang so the Telekom people took her plea to repair the wire for granted.

Mother also told me that she had to pay $180.00 to the engineer and although she had hinted that it is a bit exhorbitant for a wire replacement, the engineer managed to talk her into believing that $180.00 charges is normal.She told me that father is not happy that she paid that engineer and as the money is already been paid, it is obviouslah kerja-kerja mungkar Telekom people ittew dilakukan ketika father sedang tidur.

Mother being mother, telling me that for a mere seeking empathy...tapi aku yang mendengar ni sungguhlah sakit hati.I convinced my mother that Telekom should fix it for free.

I called Telekom Malaysia.I asked...

Mak saya pengguna telephone dengan you and dia bayar sewa talian tiap-tiap bulan...so kiranya, telephone tu mak saya sewa lah dari you.So bila line rosak, bukan ke you all yang kena repair?

Tak cik, kita kena charge...

Tapi itu kan tanggungjawab awak...line itu rosak sendiri...( I can't remember what I said but surely, it was a valid enquiry)

The guy who is attending me is so termengah-mengah and after aku menanya soklan dengan bertubi-tubi, he surrendered me to his supervisor.

I got this vision that his supervisor is Mat Tembam yang bangsa duduk opis and what they do is just to repeat what he is asked to tell customers who queried.

Every question I asked will be met with 'memang dah macam tu Cik'.

Bored, angry and of course, nak mengajar Telekom people tu to be prepared with more irate questions, I challenged him to show me the clause of where in the line that the customer have to pay for the kerosakan.

Last-last...kalau Cik tak puas hati, sila berhubung dengan ketua cawangan di Seremban.

Of course lah, Ketua Cawangan Seremban is not available after 3pm, as he never return from his sembahyang Zuhur.

At this time, my mother dah panik and and tell me to just redha ajelah..nak buat macam mana and that she can afford the $180.00 anyway so tak payahlah nak sakit-sakit jiwa bergaduh dengan Telekom.

Ayo...mother, this is not about money la..(it is, in a way) but this is about principal.If you provide service and if service rendered is not up to the standard offered, the provider must take responsibility...that is the universal law.This is not Zimbabwe...

I made a complaint to Telekom Seremban and I told the lady who took my call that I believe that taking money from my mother is 'criminal' and if someone didn't come back to me with an explanation, this is of course a police matter.Hah kau..brutal nya.

Of course lah...kata-kata ugutan ni dibuat masa my mother sembahyang and she wasn't there to witness anaknya ni memaki hamun orang Telekom.I told my mother that I now have the Big Boss Seremban punya direct line and I will talk to him once and for all tomorrow.

I thought my mother would be pleased....

To cut the story short....I didn't call the Telekom Big Boss...in fact, I never call the Telekom people after that.

Mother cakap....Jangan lah...orang tu sedara dengan your Mak Teh, dia selalu datang raya rumah kita. I really don't want things to get awkward with them.I cakap...mother, this is a professional matter.Telekom sucks, he is the Boss, he should know.It is nothing to do with 'sedara mara'.

Mother cakap...tak payahlah...dah bayar pun.Bukan salah dia.

No matter how much I convinced mother that this is not on...mother still think that preserving the relationship with sedara bau-bau taik kambing kering dia dengan Boss Telekom ittew is far more imporant.

I submitted to her rationale, not without my comment puaka yang berbunyi...'If I were you, since orang Telekom tu sedara, I might as well ask him for free phone.'

Haiyoh!!!

What's Eating The Monyet

I was at Putrajaya today.

When I left Malaysia for good, Putrajaya belum exist lagi. But I sure have heard of Putrajaya Hospital because my sister telah beranak didalam lift nya.

Suddenly this time, rasa macam malas pulaklah nak bersidai pergi makan kat big-big shopping complex (plus takut lah peminat serbu...bongkak tak statement itu?)

Everything in the Big shopping complex is overcharged and overpriced and I wonder why people still want to pay.Kedekut kah I? Ada jugak sikit-sikit but kalau nak buat pricing pun berpatutan lah...bukan semua kita ni berketurunan Pilah & Co.

This friend of mine, aku paksa dia masak and invite we all ke rumah nya.I eat like a lembu lapar (so is she...) so kalau makan kat rumah orang, orang as in kawan-kawan, I can tambah and tambah.See, ni bukan kes tamak haloba or buruk makan ye.If you tak makan, the food will go to a waste.Food is expensive nowadays , make you wonder why...we plant the paddy, we grow sayur, we rear the ayam, lembu and kobau. We even ada perusahaan ternakan kobau pendek somewhere in N9. And things are still expensive.

My mother asked me, what do I eat on daily basis? I said..it depends la...but for sure I ate nasi once or twice in a fortnight.My mom said...eh, sana takde jual beras ke? Kesian nya....

(Eeyoo..boreh belambak..masak eh maleh...)

Of all the people, I adore the public transport.It's cheap, although I wish that it will be and get better.I don't know why orang nak sangat naik kereta kulu-kilir when there is a cheap option.Ada sorang Dental specialist ni kata...ohh, panaslah.I tak kuasa nak jalan kaki.True...it is hot, tapi ada ke orang suruh kau jalan kaki for 10km under the hot sun? Sekejap aje panas..takleh tahan ke? Susahlah bila semua dah jadi generation air-con ni.

Going over to Putrajaya from Subang Jaya is easy peasy...with the help of ever friendly signboard.Yang tak friendly nya drebar-drebar kereta yang lain.They made me feel like I am slow driver...but how can you accelerate bila driving in a shard curve? Dah terang2 kata..had laju 50kmph...you nak I laju camana lagi? Hari pun hujan...tak takut mati ke?

MB2 was pleased to see the monkeys when we passed Puchong...sukanya...ye lah, you can't see monkey waving happily in Middlesex.But on the way back, dia macam susah hati pulak because my friend told her that the monkeys are out of habitat now, since segala bukit kat Puchong tu nak kena buat rumah.

What can we do? I read somewhere yang memonyet kat Puchong tu ada ciri-ciri pencopet yang berjaya..curi mobile phone, curi baju..but can you blame them?

I doubt Puchong local council will entertain any calls for concern from a public spirited citizen. Hello Cik, apa tindakan majlis bandaran seterusnya demi menangani isu kekurangan rumah kos rendah monyet2 kat Puchong itu? Porrraaahhh!!!

I'm sure if you robohkan another more kuil-kuil, there will be truckloads of Ayappan, Muthu and all those MIC's will be walking all the up to Parlimen.But what about the monyet?

See, I ni pun bukanlah animal activis...although I quite like juga segala species ular dalam dunia ni pupus (sebab I takut ular) but how can the government easily allowed the developement at the expense of the helpless (although some might think they're naughty) creature?

Nevertheless....the trip to Putrajaya is worth all the toll money spent...thanks to our delayed speed, the host manage to salvage her nasi mentah and although I tersesat-sesat jalan sampai Ulu Klang on my way home (ada orang kata jala Putrajaya itu keras, pasal tu kau sesat!!!) there is no where else I rather be.

Shame on you Miss AA....hiksss! Larikkkkkkkkkkk.....

During Holidays...You Sure Got Time To 'Over' Ponder...

1st encounter - Some semi midnight drama kat RTM1, can't remember what is the tajuk, since aku pun taklah ghetinya nak operate that Asteruk remote control, but that time that was the only drama melayu and the other channel dipenuhi dgn muka AC Mizal and those Indonesian,Hongkie and Indian drama and I'm so not in the mood to membaca sarikata.The Malay drama is about Kartina Aziz limping about in the kampung, bawak mangkuk bertingkat for her son yang kesudahnya chase her away.Cilaka punya anak! To cut the story, in the end mak sakit, anak pun sakit and both died on the same day.While mak went in for a smooth sailing,anak dia punya coffin punyalah berat,mandi busuk and last-last, masuk kubur pun payah and berulat dengan sekelip matanya.Huiyooo!!! if that occurence did not scare you, it sure did menakutkan diriku yang jahat ni.I spent couple of hours jugaklah memikir...I never pushed my mum away, I'm not the menjawab type (hence..my mum is the quiet one so dia pun tak cakap banyak..so kalau dah tak cakap banyak, apa nya yang nak dijawab kan?) But I sure remember that for a while jugaklah I misunderstood my mother (aren't we all...yang middle child ni?) Thinking that mother loves the others more and you less.I'm not about to become a mother and I can never understand the susah payah nya to have everything ready...dengan anak, dengan laki.Mother usually have to take the 'worrier' role mcm bini orang MRSM Beseri tu since the man is more interested to worry about team mana yang boleh maintain first 4 in the Premiership.Believe me, I am trying to be anak yang solehah...although is not easy and for this I blamed Sekolah Berasrama Penuh.What is wrong now? I am the mendengar kata...but I find it hard to 'berkata-kata' pulak.To all mommies, talk to your kids...especially to those yang tak bercakap tu.I am not gifted with the spontaneity to ask my mother...like masak apa hari ni etc (the real truth is, I've seen my mother working so hard habis kerja jaga anak without bantuan laki and on top of everything have to worry about children etc, so I tak sampai hati nak mintak2 to add to her already berlambak burden)

For that, dengan rendah hatinya...because I live very far from my parents...I do not wish to have difficulties in passing.

2nd encounter - That PETRONAS ad, with Maria Arshad looking gracefully old, unlike segala Minah Botox and Nenek Plastik.The son balik kampung, terus nak cari internet (macam aku aje) and keep telling his mom that he is busy with his work...(pun macam aku). But Maria Arshad, like my mother..Mak okay..mak okay...

To those who cannot read between the line like me, bila mak okay..mak okay tu..memang suka lah hati bila mak dah okay..and you seem 'okay' to carry out what you like to do best...like berjalan-jalan tak hengat donia.But of course ibu mithali like that, anak wishes come first.I get really anxious bila iklan tu keluar...because it really reminds me of me. Ohh..my poor mother.

3rd encounter - The Telekom ad...the man with his son.They balik kampung.Tup tup bila salam raya, the son asked his dad, kenapa kita balik sini? Atuk nenek pun dah takde...and the father (yang hensem ittew) then calmly answer with muka cam nak nangis serong berong tu...sebab masa Atuk Nenek ada, Ayah tak pernah balik.The son tu pulak macam diajar-ajar aje to add more salt to his dad's wound. telepon pun tak pernah ke, Ayah? Lagilaaaa ayah nak ghun-ghun serabak kan?

Waaaa.....how many times I called my parents? I sure can count with one hand.(But, dari kecik pun I never call them....)

Apa la nak jadi dengan I ni......

Being Nostalgic

I arrived from KCH yesterday malam. Hajat hati nak aje membuat posting pasal kesakithatian terhadap pengguna-pengguna AirAsiak tu (apalah aku ni, dah le travel murs-murs, lagi mau komplen) but...let's just put that aside for now,as I really nak menulis apa yang terbuku/berbuku dalam hatiku innieww...cewwahh!!!!

Sometimes, when I had enough (kiranya lah ni...) working...I always say that I nak balik Msia for good, enough of England.On the way back from LCCT yesterday, along that KLIA highway I suddenly remember the real reason why I lari jejauh...sampai ke UK. (Dah lari pergi Melbourne kejap, tapi tak suka pulak)

While waiting for our flight back, MB's cousin bawak I pergi this new shopping complex and I asked her to bawak I pi kedai CD.I've been watching banyaknya cerita-cerita Indon and quite like the songs, so my sister said 'go and look for singer called Rossa'. Semua orang tau that if you really want to a good Indonesian R&B, CD nya pasti ada dijual si Sarawak.Don't know why lah Semenanjung always inclined nak jual CD-CD penyanyi Indon yang macam celaka bunyi nya.Ni cerita dulu la...when you are talking Harvey M, Chrishye...Vina Panduwinata and that lot. So the like of Kiah yang suka Roma Irama tu lain lah...supply banyak kat Chokettt!!!

Dalam nak cari Rossa tu, I come across Jay Jay punya CD. I remember last year ke tah bila, I asked my sister to cari CD Jay Jay and post kat I. But I don't quite like that CD, pasalnya all the song was remastered and re-recorded.It is not like what I remember. Frust hatiku. Couple of days ago, I saw Jay Jay on telly and tah sapalah his latest perunding image yang pi cakap kat dia that Rambut style orang utan is the in thing.However, dek chentaku yang mendalam kat Jay Jay, pesen orang utan pun, orang utan lah.He is still the same Jay Jay.

My ex is a Jay Jay look alike.We are talking Jay Jay 20 years ago.Now that I pikir-pikir, maybe punca ku terjatuh chenta kat my ex is because he look like Jay Jay.Of course lah, I know the real Jay Jay before I know my ex. There was a time (just bcos Jay Jay like to wear a hat) adalah mulut sumbing haram celaka mana yang pi sebarkan fitnah that Jay Jay head is a bit cacat, so to conceal his kecacatan, he wear hats lah.Siyal tul siapa yang buat cerita ittew. I stood up to this gossip, walaupun umurku barulah 11 tahun...of course lah my effort gone unnoticed as my parents would rather I stood up to learn sejarah Mahsuri to pass my penilaian darjah 5 test. Nak qualify masuk TKC lah katakan...(haram nya tak dapat 5A pun)

The whole day today, I bore the MB's listening to Jay Jay...and there's a certain song yang membuatkan ku mengalir air mata (apa ni...bapak sakit tak nangis pulak) and dengan automatik ya kuteringatlah lat Jay Jay lookalike yang dah mati ittew.

There was a time masa chenta-chenta tengah hangat and terlarang dengan JJP (Jay Jay Palsu) the second time around lah (first round kat UK, masa dia bujang TTT) Of course lah terlarang, JJP masa tu laki orang.Realising that chenta ku tak kan berlayar kemana-mana, the only way to escape is to go far-far away from him.

Coming back to KL in a way is very hurtful for me.I was dumped and jilted and the worst part, I cannot forget him.Everywhere you look, even dalam drive kereta didalam kemeriahan Mat-Mat Rempit mencelok-celok...masih lagi mengharapkan muka-muka orang tu akan terpacul cam cerita-cerita cinta Indon zaman Rano Karno & Meriam Bellina.

Now, I should think I must remain in London...where all the good thing was.When he was loving me.

Ni nak lah mintak jasa baik kat orang yang berchenta agung tapi dah moved on ittew...bila aku dtang beraya rumahmu nanti,janganlah kau gelakkan diri ku.Ni tengah sensitip ni.

There's something just won't go away...