About Me

Sunday, February 27, 2011

Ex Thoughts

I called my ex today. After many, many months. We literally stopped talking to each other last September. We have been separated for 2 years, today. I am now entitle for an annulment. However that was not the reason I call.

Apart from from wishing Arsenal good luck (now is bad luck, because of my call) I sajalah nak find out of orang tu okay. Birthday I pun dia tak call...Xmas card tak hantar, Valentine's Day...langsung takde apa-apa.

I think what actually prompted the call was my guilt.

There is some of us who enters into a committed relationship thinking and hoping that the new ventures will superseed the old, the damaged and the painful one. We convince ourselves that we need to take the risk, close our eyes and jump into something we know is uncertain with hope that it will be better.

With all the luck in the world, yes...some risks are worth taking.

At this point, I really have nothing bad to say about the ex..although masa bersama tu, semua benda yang dibuatnya adalah penyebab serangan jantung yang kronik dan sumber punca keganasan domestik dan amuk.

I feel so bad that while I'm loving up with someone else, orang itu yang telah kuberi harapan untuk hidup bersama sampai mati sekarang kena belajar hidup sendiri dan mengutip serpihan-serpihan hidupnya yang telah dirosakkan oleh ku. I'm not saying that when one relationship ended only one person is to be blame.

But we sometimes forget that we can also contributes to other person failure to function. And for this, I take the blame.

When I called F, all I want to say is sorry...sorry for not making things easy for us and sorry for making us believe that all this would work. Tapi tak tercakap pun sebab dia pun terperanjat dengar suara I, and of course Arsenal macam nak kalah..so memang silap masa lah I telepon nak membuka luka lama kann?

Macam ni laa...dalam perlakuan kita sehari-hari (okay, ni takde unsur agama ye Tuan/Puan) kita tak boleh tahu apa kita buat tu betul atau salah. Kita berkawan dengan laki orang..pada dasarnya nampak salah..tapi kita yang dalam perbuatan itu, dan tak rasa salah sebab berkawan, berkasih tu tak salah. Kita marah kat laki kita..yang kita rasa tak attentive. Padahal kita memang dah tahu dia memang macam tu dari mula kita kawin dengan dia...kita dah terima dia dan approved perangai tuna salmon dia tu, so bila sekarang hati tetiba je sakit, adakah ini semua salah dia kerana dia ikan Tuna? Will you blame a Tuna for being a Tuna?

My ex tu memang buruk perangainya....I dah tahu lamaaaaaa dah. Tapi yang buruk tu memang perangai nya. Yang baiknya dia. Masa kami berpisah dulu, I cakap kat dia...I dah tak sayang you lagi. Dia cakap kenapa dulu sayang dan sekarang dah hilang? I cakap...sebelum you I ada sayang orang lain dan tak hilang-hilang. Bila saya bermasalah dengan you, rasa sayang saya kat you hilang dan rasa sayang saya kat orang tu timbul balik.

Tapi saya sayang you...orang sebelum saya dah buang you...saya masih ada. Kita mesti cuba...katanya ex saya tu. I cakap, memang betul, tapi saya dah cuba dan saya tak mahu tipu you lagi dan diri saya lagi. Saya rasa elok lah saya hidup sendiri dulu.

Setahun saya single...lepas tu saya double.

I think the point I'm trying to make here is, if we are brave enough to take risk to enter into a marriage/relationship yang sememang nya banyak risks tu with our eyes open, then...kita kenalah berani juga mengambil risiko untuk keluar balik. Bila cinta sudah tidak ada dan tak ada apa-apa lagi yang boleh mendorong you kat dia...keluarlah semasa laut belum bergelora. I overstayed my term with my ex because walaupun tak chenta dalam-dalam masa tu, ada jugak benda pasal dia yang saya chenta and I was hanging on to it until there's nothing to hang on anymore. When the string has damaged, just let go...the less casualties is the better. We need to be happy, although sometimes our idea of happiness is stupid.


pakmat said...

..every call when it is to your ex, it is a bad time..yesterday I told my ex to stop calling me..not directly to her but through our first daughter who seems to understand her father more than anybody else..I felt bad about it, of course, but sometimes, enough is enough..a line just had to be drawn between the past and the present..and you simply cannot analyse feelings..its ebbings and its highs..but I had always known her as a salmon..and I do not expect less or more of her..but maybe because she could accept me for the tuna that I am..life sucks when it come relationships..but if you can take co-existence to the next level..as I am now trying with my second, without reading too much into the details and fine prints..I think it should be alright..

ColourfulSock said...

Berani sungguh awak Cik Esah berisiko, masuk keluaq relationship. Macam senang saja saja bunyi nya. I wish that my relationship is at risk so I can be brave enough to make a bold decision and moveeeee onnnnnnnnnn!

Hjh Esah Jolie said...

Stoking, semua benda kita buat ada risiko..makan minum etc. If you think yr relationship poses no risk, then I hv to say you are very bold yrself, because it is vulnerable to any risks. You are risk to your own self as well..if you look at it technically. My message is abt berani masuk, berani ambik risk..and berani lah keluar. Its up to you saja.

Pak Mat...ex become an ex for a reason, kan? Kalau tak kita yang kelabu asap, dia. Relationship in itself is a beautiful thing, I believe that. For an amount of time, it makes you your happiest..eventhough the other party in the end become yr worst enemy.I am all for making this easier, even it is impossible to do so or even to think of.