Entry Malu

Nah lah Kiah....nak hupdate sangat kannn? Jahat tau main ugut-ugut!

Semenjak 2,3 menjak ni, I dah jadik personal counsellor pulak kat sorang my fren ni. Kita ni sebenarnya takleh nak me mixed kan business with pleasure. But in her situation, since she is quite near self destruction, I cubalah nasihat mana-mana yang boleh nasihat. But mind you, bagi nasihat kat kawan, samalah dengan attempt to lalu depan rumah orang Cina yang ada anjing garang, however quiet you pussy-foot your step, the risk of anjing tu terbangun lalu meyalak dengan kuatnya..worst still, kita juga adalah vulnerable menjadi mangsa gigitan and cakaran anjing ittew.

The more I nasihat my fren ni, the obvious dialah yang bermasalah nya...but bila kepala dah serabut, it is so hard to make any sense nevermind, admitting the fact yang diri sendiri jugalah adalah satu punca masalah nya.

Tapikan you alls....sementelah I ni berangan bagus nak jadik relationship and life coach counsellor kat kawan I ni, maka tersedarlah oleh diri ini yang, I pun sama jugak teruknya.I often say, terimalah orang seadanya. Appreciate his/her weakness.

I have been quite jauh hati with MC since kejadian tunjuk perasaan yang lebih kepada aksi terencat akal dalam Skype sometime last month or so. Orang tu nak pergi out station and I could have picked a better time to pick up a bone dengan dia. Seperti biasa, one of MC's quality..ye Kiah...quality...is tak cakap banyak. Susah I nak agak apa yang dia pikir, dia rasa etc. The fact that dah la tak nampak depan mata, lagilah menyusahkan dan mengeruhkan suasana.

I like to keep the details of us very, very private sebelum Kiah muntah...and since dah ada ugutan nak hide kan status I dari FB nya (oiii..yang kau tu..kemain lagi dengan scandal mu, merajuk nampak comel la konon..ingat, hatiku yang mungil ni tak terusik kah???) but I think, I should really write this down and tell myself that I should really practise what I preached.

To have a relationship with someone who is not physically around is as bad as having constant suspicious mind dengan laki or boipren kita yang didepan mata yang ada criteria menjadi Bapak Ayam. Thing that I always tell myself is that, andai kata I ada relationship, I ni tidaklah akan menyusahkan kepala hotak I dengan menjeruk hati memikirkan yang my lover tu ada affair dengan lain-lain makhluk. My mother always say...kalau laki kita nak mencari pompuan lain, dihalang cemana pun, dia akan cari juga. Biarkan aje lah. Her words is ringing true. She has never (ni yang I tak nampak laa) worried about benda-benda camni although she has enough evident nak naik minyak and panggil reporter Melodi ke hapa. Sabarlah sahaja....isk, dia boleh la bersabar...I doubt I can top her on that. Kalau tak de tenaga I nak terajang, maka harus ku upah kaki pukul ke or penembak jarak jauh dekat, once you crossed me. Tu diah!!!

I realised that after all this time, MC is still the same person...yang tak cakap banyak dan banyak menggunakan kaedah telepathy dalam ber communicate dengan I. Ye lah..dulu nampak depan mata...sekarang, dah le time difference ada 7 to 8 hours...and I would have expected that all these years, we both have learned so much about the past, maka...bila kita dah reconnected, make extra effort lah kan? Harammmm takde makna. So I have become a hopeless moaner, sampai aku pun naik menyampah dengan diri aku sendiri. Everytime I moan..I started to feel like an old woman who never had enough. Dah tak nampak muka tu satu hal...ditambah pula dengan orang yang kita syiok gila tu bangsa mempunyai hati dan emosi sesejuk ikan Salmon di Tasik Scotland itu lagilah memecahkan kepala.

So we got a bit tense...MC wanted a space, counter attacking yang I ni terlampau banyak sangat mintak attention, and that is something that is hard to give at this moment. Sadis you all.....I thought that was it. I was so sad. I don't love many people but the one that I really love always broke my heart. So we stop talking for few days. In fact, after that we don't talk very much.Nak space sangat kan kau...

I realised that I was hoping too much and the two of us are such a different person put together.But again, opposite attracts, kan?? We talk when we have time and when dia rasa dia nak cakap dengan I. Okaylah...merungut benda yang sama pun tak guna, so I ikut aje style dia. Now and again, I moaned. Still...but a hopeless moan. For about a month, I was in the dark...about where I stand, and with who am I having a relationship with. I told MC, I feel like I am having this relationship alone. MC...masih diam and tak cakap apa-apa.

This is when I started to busy myself with kerja yang adalah sikit pekdah walaupun ada potensi nak cari gaduh dengan kawan I lagi sorang ni. Apparently katanya, laki dia pun macam tu juga, and she felt so alone in her marriage. I keep asking her to take control and suggest what could possibly be her partner's anxiety. Things with MC become okay lah sikit in meantime, bila aku kurang merengek mintak attention kan...

While I'm making progress with my fren ni...ternampak dah perubahan laki nya, sejak I suruh dia menukar approach communication nya, I become so unsure about me and MC. Dengan ini I mintak jasa baik MB1 yang nak balik KL masa awal puasa that day...I told MB1, I am a bad judge of character, so you pergilah keluar dengan MC. I dah cakap dengan diri I sendiri, kalau MB1 balik and advise me to forget about MC and move on, so I will. MC is like Shamsul all over. I can't do this anymore. Chenta pun chenta la...but I'm sure I will see through the period of crash and burn.

MB1 came back with information that I already knew. The choice is, if I want this, and this is it. MC will not change. MC is not the type of person who will change for anyone. I am hoping for something different. I am hoping for MC to be the one like what I always wanted. Really, if I still want this relationship, the choice is with me. So I decided to see how things goes. Kalau I tahan, tahan lah...since hati masih ada bunga-bunga chenta. I'm sure one day, if this is not right and I will see sense.

I was taken seriously ill 2 days ago.Dalam pada I was heavily sedated, MB1 told me that MC called. My reaction was dalam pisat-pisat tu...eh..sayang jugak dia kat I. After few hours, I texted MC. MC said, I want to talk to you. So we skype. This is after 3 weeks of not seeing each other.

So we talked about what happened to me. MC stumbled upon the information by chance and raked with worry yang I tak dapat dicontact since morning. Then I pun cakap la...mmg I nak bagi tau you, but maybe later la, you pun busy kan...lagipun, I don't think this matters, since you pun lately ni, cakap pun macam nak tak nak je dengan I sekarang....

The whole 2 hours I saw different side of MC. I did not say many words like I used too.

See, all this time...I dok cakap dengan orang...terimalah kekurangan partner kita. Some people are not blessed with criteria jiwang karat, some people have their own special way of showing how they feel. I ended up feeling really bad, guilty and malu pun ada...betapa selfish nya I pikir I sorang aje lahhh yang dok terseksa jiwa raga batin tak kena pedulik.

But the truth is, this is what I always wanted....orang yang tak menyekat hak asasi I..and orang yang sayang macam nak mampus kat I.

I said to MC because we are far, I think I am somehow dependant on words and promises. Yes..I live in wonderland. But being selfish that I am, I overlooked the fact yang ada orang tak dilatih meng express dirinya macam pop corn.

So, without prompting..MC said things (yang I am dying to hear) that are so sweet to my ears (and ego) things like...I think about you from the time I opened my eyes til I sleep. And I have to tell you that MC tu susahhhh la nak cakap menda2 camni, so ini bukan lah script drama swasta ye...

So yes Kiah, atas rasa malu yang bukan kepalang kepada diriku sendiri, maka status FB ku ittew ialah untuk orang ittew. I felt so bad that while I have accepted other people weakness and strength, I have neglected MC and hoping and demanding dia tu menjadi orang lain.

Feel free to hide me Kiah.

(But, it won't kill jugak kan Kiah, kalau dia tunjuk lah sikit kat kita ni yang kita ni ujud)