My Awful Dream

Dek banyak sangat kerja, I opted to sleep at work yesterday. I was working and working and sedar2, dah pukul 10.45 malam and dengan keadaan England dikala ini ramai sangat Hang Jebat derhaka wannabe i.e. man and their knife...to catch a bus home and to travel sensorang atas tube ditemani budak-budak hoodie yang jahat, is not a good choice.Orang kata,kalau dah takdir nak mati, mati lah kat mana-mana...tapi being a foreigner far far from kampung halamankieww Paroi Jaya...I dread being dead in a foreign country. So sebagai ikhtiar (or takut hantu/budak hitam berpisau/percopet/mentally ill people let loose out there) I tidur lah kat opis. Opis ada folded bed and I already have a spare of everything in my bag.

I was woken up (tak hengat le pukui berapa) and mulalah menangis tersedak-sedak. I dreamt about si Tua tu kena cancer and dah nak mati. Of course la, when you have that scenario in a dream, there is no such thing as cancer tahap 1,2,3. Bila dah jadi mimpi, mestilah orang yang kena cancer tu akan mati in tempoh 2,3 jam lagi macam tu (only if your dream lasted that long) So, adegan-adegan orang pergi regular check up or chemoteraphy tak kan ada lah...

So, si Tua kunun nya akan mati...and you know, sebagai seorang manusia yang penuh dengan sifat keselfishan...(bahasa ku) people like me will only sedar diri bila benda dah nak hilang depan mata...yang lama-lama ni tak nampak. In my dream, I keep telling si Tua tu how sorry I am to have let the work take control of me, betapa aku telah melupakan rumah tangga dengan bekerja sampai nak gila...nangis-punya nangis (all that long) sampai dia mati....

See...bila I pikir, adakah aku akan menangis sebagitu ropa kalau dia pergi dulu sebelum kiewww (janganlah lah kau bersedeyyy hatiii) padahal, selang dua hari kami akan bergaduh sampai sumpah menyumpah dan seperti biasa, mulutku yang mungil ini akan cakap...mampos lah kau!!! Hah!!! Mampos betul-betul ni...

So, in the morning I telephoned si Tua tu, bagitau lah apa I mimpi malam tadi, how I was so sad and asked repeatedly if this (our relationship) is a mistake. Tua tanya,what brought this on? I pun cakap...is it worth it? You hardly see me, and when you do, we fought.I am at work most of the time, I'm never there...and I'm leaving again for a month in Sept to be with my family...it is so not fair.You should be with someone that is committed, and look at me...in no hurry to leave work to be with you. (Repentant sungguh masa ni...) See, dalam pada selfish-selfish, I ni ada jugak hati and perasaan....

My life is so full of fears. Fears of leaving things till it is too late.Bila I bangun pagi and tetiba rasa sedih (I'm ruling out PMT here tawww) first thing I'll ask myself, apsal lak ni...nak terima berita tak baik ke? I hardly sembahyang but I know, I seek god in my silent prayers all the time. My father is ill...my family is far. I am not packing up to go home for good to be nearer to them, I already have a life here...my own life.Everyday I am conscious that I'm hurting my father's feeling.I don't call home to speak to him or my mother for that matter.Not because I don't care...because I can't cope being very sad.

There was a time when the emotion get the better of me, I nak balik kampung. But I made commitment dengan si Tua tu. Yes, we can be difficult, we argue, we trade insult, we called each other names...

I cakap dengan si Tua tu on the phone, you cannot die now. I know I'm horrible and I'm not going to change in a hurry but I love you...you are very important to me.I can't bear not being able to see you again. Is that bad?

Si Tua menjawab dengan cool nya (and I always ended feeling so bad) I know Darling...go back to work...and I'll see you later. Don't worry too much.

Macam tu lah I...kesedaran siviks adalah dalam 2,3 hari....tengoklah besok. Mesti berperang balik.

Taaa...