Polite Notice

Hola you allllllllll.......

I got a text from Kiah, reporting to me yang dirinya tu dah menjadi mangsa kurap ayam...kononnya atas perbuatan mulutku yang puaka inilah maka kurap-kurap ayam yang halus milus tu dah bertakhta keatas dirinya. Hehehe...

To be honest Kiah, although I tak lah kisah kalau kau nak kata yang kerana ketulahan kemasinan mulut ku inilah kau dapat chicken pox (aku ni takdelah kuat makan garam kiranya) sumpahan ku ni takde kena mengena langsung dengan penyakit kau tu. Speaking of which, are you certain that is chicken pox bukan semburan pontianak? Bukan ke kau ni active membuat lawatan-lawatan mengejut kat tempat pembakaran semak terbuka orang-orang gomen tu?

I had chicken pox 2 years ago...lepas I balik dari Malaysia. Before I balik, my nephew yang sorang tu memang dah kena chicken pox and as I was at home babysitting-paksa-rela him (my mother looked after all her grandchildren...nilah semua sindrom beranak pas kat mak ni kan...adik-adikku yang pandai beranak tu)

While orang-orang keliling menjauhkan diri dari budak tu...akulah yang tukang taruk calamine lotion. People anxiety kat si pesakit campak ni, takut depa tu pun kena sekali. I pulak macam dah kebal (mind you, in my lifetime yang dah 35 ni) maklumlah I dah kena 3 kali...I was so confident my pisang will not berbuah kali yang ke empat (ceh..sungguhlah tak kena)

I keep telling my other cousins (see..orang n9 kan suka dok dekat2 sedara mara) yang rumahnya hanya sepelaung dari rumahku...that I am immune from chicken pox.I was all that JOBO, HATI BOSA and anything related to bongkak.

I arrived London one day before I due to start work...ish..I suka betul buat trip berani mati ni..besok nak kerja, hari ni baru balik. Or malam ni nak fly...pukul 4 ada kat opis lagi...

That fateful morning...masa nak gi taruk anti-aging cream (hah..kau ado Kiah?) I terperasan yang my face ada bintik-bintik yang nak kata macam jerawat, tak pulak nampak cam jerawat. My arms pun ada gak bintik-bintik...and whaddayaknow, belakang badan ku..bintik mengalahkan Pesta Port Dickson!!!!

I pi jumpa my GP (nasib baik dia ada slot) terus pakcik tu confirm yang I ni ada chicken pox...and signed me off for 2 weeks. I cakap dengan GP, apsal lak I kena pox ni...I dah kena dah before...GP yang macam malas nak explain tu cakap...happens to anyone lah Makji....

So, ni peringatan kepada you all yang dah rasa kebal tak kan kena chicken pox pasal dah dapat one previously...chicken pox tak mengenal usia, nationality,agama and jantina. Kalau kau duduk dekat dengan orang ber chicken pox..maka akan kena chicken pox lah anda...

Chicken pox juga akan tumbuh melata macam pokok serai...the saddest part is atas muka (habislah tak boleh jadik photogedik model) bawah ketiak...bawah dada..bawah situ-situ pun sekali...tanpa malu-malu.Yang menjadi mangsa malu besar nya ialah sipesakit itu. See...kalau dah tua ni, kena demam campak sungguhlah seksa.If you are little, mak taruk calamine lotion..nobody cares if you walk about telanjang bulat kan? Dah tua-tua ni nak bertelanjang? Kang habis chicken pox..dapat pulak sakit lain...(kepada yang berlaki sahaja)

Now that I think about it..orang kata, bila bintik tu dah keluar maknanya, you have passed the contagious part...ermm...I was very contagious lah makna nya bila I dalam flight tu...huiiyyoooo..habislah satu kapalterbang MAS tu kena pox that time.

So...sila jauhkan diri anda dari Cik Kiah dengan serta merta.

Sekian.

Hot & Bothered....again!!!

You all...hari ni tadi, I bumped into Kak Katak!!!!!!!!!!

And because hari ni panas berdentum and so, I wore shorts to work (bukan yang skimpy punya tawww) but tah macam mana, bila I masuk opis aje, my colleague cakap, Makji, Dr So and So nak jumpa you pasal semalam....(apa jadik semalam? Ada orang dalam unit meroyan so I instructed my colleague to bagi si patient ni 2mg of Lorazepam sebelum satu rumah menjadik arwah)

I thought bila I dah email Boss pasal that incident (see...if you ever resorted to use PRN meds to de escalate tension, you got to report to Boss besar) and hal ni pun hal kecik, so takyah lah nak involve psychiatrist kan? Silap besar...the fact that patient ni, a female, her last meroyan season was about 4 years ago, so the high and mighty yakni Occ.Therapist, Psychiatrist and Psychologist terus gabra and demanded an urgent observation. Pundekkkk sungguh taw...

I dah buat plan nak bawak patient I jenjalan sambil menikmati matahari (dan aku juga bakal menikmati proses pengularan) and tup-tup...Makji Esah, please call Dr Sawanbiawak at West Middlesex. So I call her...apa ke kisah nya Makcik? Makcik Psycho tu plak (see this job does get to you at some point...this woman is a Consultant Psychiatrist, but I rasa OrangUtan Molly kat Sepilok punya rambut lagi kelasssssss dari dia, demanded an explanation in person and suruh I bawak patient tu masuk A&E. So I went to the hospital with my seluar katok to attend an emergency strategy meeting. You know, sometimes I menyampah kerja dengan orang putih ni, kadang2 benda kecik jadik besar...gajah depan mata yang ada tendency nak parang orang, they all bagi lepas pulak kan? So what...this female patient is in a funny mood yesterday so to calm her down, aku bagi ubat yang dah sahih-sahih si Makcik Psycho ni prescribed, so, apa masalah nya sampai nak panggil meeting2 lak ni?

I think it was my anxiety more than anything membuatkan I menjadi motormouth ber argument dengan Makcik Psycho and her team. I kan pakai short..tak pasal-pasal kena tegur pasal dress code.I cakap dengan Makcik Psycho...let's just allow nature some humanity here.The patient was behaving out of character, which I can safely assumed to be an act of frustration. She is not suicidal or homicidal or experiencing auditory hallucination...because she has high functioning autism, she cannot express her emotion like we do.And because of her behaviour can trigger episod-episod gila patient lain, I gave her a sedative which is authorised and legal.I will personall bring her to you if I think she is dangerous.....so podah!!!!!

Takde kerja lain org sepital ni nak section orang aje....dah tak cukup ke orang gila kat secure unit you?

So I left the board meeting and on my way out, I nampak Kak Katak.I'm not in the best mood ditambahlagi dengan I pakai short and Kak Katak pakai tudung ala-ala pompuan muslimah so I feel so tak tentu hala...

Kak katak said she lost my number as her mobile phone dah hilang and that she really need to talk to me. Like orang Malaysia yang lain that always assume that kita ni free sokmo, she pulled me away 'jom kita cakap kat sana..'pointing at the cafe...

I stopped and look at her, bukan I tak nak, I have to go somewhere and it is not a good time. I only have 2 minutes to catch that bloody bus yang operate every hour from the sepital, so if I miss that, I am going to be hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllll late. Mengamuk patient I nanti....they all tu mana suka nak tunggu-tunggu.

I cakap kat Kak Katak....sambil lari-lari anak...I'll call you...sambil buat hand sign phones4U. Ingatkan dia nak cakap..okay..I wait for your call, nak tau apa katanya?

'Sombong'.

_____________________________ jawab I dalam hati (please fill in the blank)

(Ohhh, I so want to be) Hot and (but not) Bothered

Cuaca yang yang sungguh panas berdentum semalam telah juga mengakibatkan mood I berdentum-dentum jugak.Hisshhhh.Ni lah susahnya jadik melayu tak sedar diri.Panas komplen..sejuk pun komplen. Kalau datang dari negara 4 musim takpelah jugak...ni datang dari Paroi Jaya pehtu,raso nak menggelupo lak bila hari paneh...

I refused to travel on the underground yang masa time-time ni lah berbau puaka....oh people, have you not heard of deodorant? Are not conscious at all yang your baju berbau kepam yang boleh memengsankan kami-kami yang lemah deria hidu ni? So busuk you all. Kalau masa summer, bau ketiak orang tak pakai deodorant and bila winter pulak bau badan orang tak mandi..ishhhh!!!!!So, during the weekday, I menumpang sekaki kat rumah MB and from her house to my workplace, I boleh naik beskal aje...hint hint...(I dah debab)

I takde urgent appoinment today and I know for sure Boss-Boss besar takkan adanya nak membuat lawatan mengejut, so I pergi kerja hari ni pakai three quarter shorts.None of my patient ada massive sexual issue so I think three quarter length trouser is the safe option...takdenya nak memberahikan sesapa...(lagipun, I ni bukannya berbody cam Elle McPherson, so pakailah baju sempit-sempit pun, takdok nya orang nak pandang)

Half day passed, I thought my colleague will pick up on my dress code today (considering yang I ni their line manager) ye lah..I selalu cakap kat my colleague sampai siap buat memo-memo bagai, please dress appropriately (to the female) ye lah..kita ni kan ada sexual offender patient yang dah berpuasa sekian lama...(tah ye tah tidak lah tu) and to the male, janganlah dok nak menayang aurat bagai...as in muscular arms.Ada sorang nymphomaniac, kang tak pasal-pasal kena pounce belakang pintu.

Sebagai Boss besar yang boleh masuk opis sesuka hati (especially bila Boss yang paling besar sungguh busy dan gerentinya tak kan cari I pepagi buta) I arrived work at 10am today.And from 10 am to 6.30 pm today....I keep log on all the comments made by my colleague

10.15 am, my office. 'Ohh..my god, Makji Esah...you got a very nice leg. That really suit you'. (Compliment from Jantan, 45 years old...hensem tapi ketot.Cakap banyak lak tu)

11am, at the pantry.'Ohhh..let me touch your skin..ohh, you got no hair on your legs. I wish I have legs like yours' (Compliment from pompuan muda ni...yang sungguh obsess dengan kekurangan bulu kat kaki I.)

1pm - Late shift staff reporting for duty and terus tegur seluar 3 quarter I...eh Makji, kaki you cantik lah Makji.....

3pm - The pompuan muda obsess with my kaki...'Ohh Makji, I bet you never have to shave your legs..it is so soft...where did you get the trouser from? Oh lupa nak add..pompuan muda juga adalah Ratu Shopping Complex dalam department I.

4pm...semua diatas, datang jumpa I kat opis and mengusap-usap kaki I...hish..tak pernah tengok kaki orang takde bulu ke?

For what it's worth...terasa sungguh glamer nya hari ni, walaupun panas tapi compliment itu sungguh menyejukkan...hehehe.

Note: I have never shave my legs....I think I must came from the bulu less Mammals species.

Birthday Wish...

Hello you all....

Today is TL's 40th birthday...those who follows my catatan-catatan mengarut ni will now know that TL is the ex boyfriend who died earlier this year.

I must confess that I am not that Muslimah berhemah will baca yasin or organise a kenduri arwah for him to commemorate his grand birthday.I was thinking about him since last night, while segala jantan yang I tau at this age will start questioning their sanity (as in...perlukah aku buat evaluation kat diri sendiri, masih bergetah ke etc...alaaa..that kind of evaluation) TL is somewhere up there (or roaming in my house tengok apakah I buat this time..yes Encik, saya tengah buat posting) having a better life.

My evil mind ada jugak terpikir, had he chosen to marry me and I am now a 35 years widow and takde anak (I don't know why, but I always suspect that I am mandul) But you know what? Good on him...satu keputusan yang betul. I don't know what women would rather be...janda or balu.

One of my school friend, ceh..minah ni kahwin muda...after SPM githooo.....but her laki died in a motor accident.She was devastated...and never want to remarry.When I saw her last, we talked about her decision...oh, I shouldn't say 'decision'. Minah belum terbuka hati nak mencari pengganti.From what she said, I gather that she is still in the state of shock...although her husband dah 'pergi dulu sebelum ku' almost 16 or 17 years ago. She was pregnant with her daughter when accident happened and laki never got to see his own flesh and blood. Again...having untimely detached from your love ones is a loss difficult to bear.Hati masih chenta...nak mencari pengganti rasa macam main kayu 2,3 pulak.Ni lah masalahnya.I think she just can't cope with guilt having to betray her abang sayang...and pulak lagi, letting another man membela anak abang sayang tu.So, kahwin lagi or mencari pengganti is always the last option (or none..by the look of it) Furthermore, I think orang kampung is not very forgiving if pompuan mati laki kawin lagi....tapi kan, kalau duda mati bini, lajuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu aje agency mencari jodoh pasang kompang kan?

Union that ended in divorced equals to 2 manusia yang menyampah antara satu sama lain.Not only that si pompuan kena cerai (in most cases kan?) having to live with the angry thought of your marriage (shall we say, investment?) not working out...si jantan tu masih ada atas muka bumi ni and within second, will jump at the first opportunity to menayang bini baru kat muka you.Mana yang kedekut will have to live with the fact that habis segala lembu kobau yang tumbang, mata berkilat-kilat sebab buat bunga telur and habis duit ribu-ribu...and kesudah eh? Kono coghai yo.....hish..rasa nak mintak balik duit yang dah kena belanja tu kan?

As I remember TL very fondly....he is the type of person who live in the present.He never talk about growing old...he never plan what to do when he is at this age, that age.I don't think he even plan his proposal to me...is purely driven by the anxiety that we are about to be separated.His only words was 'let me go home (Malaysia) and get ready'. Knowing him that well, I know exactly what was his intention.Very straightforward. To be honest here, I don't think I can ever cope with people who life planning nya mengalahkan kertas kerja Rancangan Malaysia Ke 5, with okay...kita beli rumah bila kita macam ni...kita beranak sekian-sekian...I am going to do this and that in 5 or 10 years....

Yes, because of all the nicest thing he ever was, I want to remember his birthday...and I will upload his favourite song (yang kunun nya ditujukan untuk aku ni) in my imeem list for a week, for me to have a good cry....

Happy 40th Birthday, awak....kesian awak dah mati.

Wasalam.

Ramblings

It is very hard to talk to people who would not listen.When they do listen, they only listen to themselves.

Lately ni, I am seriously thinking about quitting my job.I have done it for almost 8 years now (eh ye ke?) and I seriously can't see anything that can excite me anymore.(I must also tell you that this is the longest job I have...)

I was reading somewhere about 'It is OK for you to stop now' and I'm sure that article is not only talking about job. We always think that the route to success is determination, but now I'm not sure. This is not (hopefully) a dead end job.I can always be re trained in something else but the question is, do I want to change? I keep on thinking that I couldn't leave...for security reason.I've been in a relationships that I knew weren't going anywhere, but I couldn't bear to end them or admit that I'd made mistake.I'd just pretend it was a phase and wait for the other person to finish it with me.

I think I know some people who are like 'that'. My mother for instance (cess, tak baik sungguh I...just because my mother ni sungguhlah isteri mithali) and how I am so sorry for her 'inability' to walk away.As much as I am this wannabe daredevil and kunun nya a 'risk taker'...like my mother, I secretly wish that things will work out eventually....sabar,sabar and sabar.

I'm sure we will have experienced the same inner or batu-batu api bertauliah lain nagging sensation that we should have seen things through, felt the same guilt at leaving something undone, or worry that others will see us as irresponsible or weak for not finishing what we started.But why even we know it miserable, we find it difficult to quit?

We labour under the misapprehension that if we try hard enough, we can have and be whatever we desire.I desire the life I'm living now......and I'm sure quite a few will envy.I keep getting message from old friends that wish they have never left UK and stayed put here.They moan about their life with laki and anak-anak, feeling trapped and very homicidal.

Well, it is much beter having a laki (walaupun perangai puaka) and anak-anak and nearby families and friends than being all alone with friends yang boleh bilang dengan jari.(manalah kawang ku maybank yang janji manismu bagai nak hantar tuna chilli dalang ting tu?)

Ohhh...I'm so fed up


(to be continued...ceh, cam baguih aje)

The Toxic Ex Girlfriend

I don't know many men. Be it casual or romantic. I am very pemalu...although the like of Kiah would beg to differ, but this statement is so true.

Romantically, the was maybe 3 or 4. I love one of them to death (he is, at the time of this report is dead) one of them is hit and miss and another two is just a classic story of being in a rebound. Dua tiga menjak ni, I sungguh terkenang kat yang dah mati tu.Next week is his 40th and I'm so sorry that he don't live long enough to see it.

Of course bila orang dah mati, we want to remember only nice thing about them. I'm sure the late ex boyfriend (TL) got really plenty nice things to say about me because I am indeed the nice one. Chewwwwaaahhh!!! Oh, by the way, can I now refer him as TL? It is better that way. I really don't fancy him hounding me in my dream...eh, kenapa you panggil I siamang?

TL loves his friends...I will always come 2nd.At that time, I don't mind it very much kerna aku chenta padanya...but I'm sure no woman would want to be seconded that way.I was young and naive but I know in my heart, it is all for a good faith.You don't want to come between your man and his mates.Plus, of course lah, you're hoping to be crowned the most sporting and understanding girlfriend of the year.

I don't know why women think that it is important to be like by their man's mates. It is as if, you need to get their approval and secretly hoping that they will tell your boyfriend that 'ohh, kau sungguh bertuah mendapat awek sepertinya'. Do you really think that they care? Ptuihhh!!! Harammm jadah takdenya.

One of TL best friends, masa tu (ni jaman-jaman 1992 -1994) tengah asyik maksyuk berchenta jugak.She is of course better looking than me (ditambah lagi dengan si dia ni sungguhlah terasa dia lawa nak gila) and god is great kan, orang lawa ni, tak menjanjikan perangai yang lawa...I seriously think that at that time being lawa come with a package.When you're lawa, to make the perfect finish, you have got to be drama queen and extra mengada-ngada.And she is all that. She is a law student, and seperti biasa (speaking from experience) female law student selalu will make a demanding girlfriend.That's why I didn't passed.

One summer in 1993, TL and mates decided to pergi menempek tengok concert kat Glastonbury nun. Bunyi macam glamer...but not my cup of tea.I would prefer Hammersmith Apollo or Wembley, yang aku boleh duduk and pergi toilet.If you ask me, Glastonbury festival is only suitable for men...I doubt gay men will be bouncing up and down at the possibility of tengok that kind of concert.

TL told me that they will be going for couple of days (of course lah, TL mana nya pernah ajak I) and this gf of his mate, merengek-rengek nak ikut.Against his better judgement, the bf decided to let his gf tagged along.The group was therefore made up of 6 boys and one girl.

Of course when TL came back from his Glastonbury escapade, I got to listen to the story. I asked TL, how was that girl? Boleh pulak anak Datuk like her mahu diusung ke Glastonbury yang penuh lalang/semak/taik anjing tu. Did she really join in? It is not like her to slumming it like that isn't she? TL told me that she wasn't and she didn't.

TL told me that poor bf have to do this, do that for her. Bf was very considerate but there only so much moaning one man can take.TL said when she demanded the bf to find her a toilet that didn't stink, tu diaaahhhhh!!!! They broke up that summer, surrounded by Glastonbury muds with Wellington boots in sight everywhere.

You're probably thinking, kesian, apasal lah pakwe dia buat dia camtu.I can see where you're coming from but in the real world, si pompuan tu lah yang bersalah nya. She broke one of dating's golden ruless: she merged two tribes.

So now's the part where I tell you how can you wow your boyfriend's friends, right? Wrong. You can't.Be yourself and you can get them to like you.But you will never get to a point where they want you on their outing together - because you will alter the dynamic. The conversation's different, the jokes are different and most of all your boyfriend's different. Mate Mat Din and boyfriend Mat Din are two separate entities. It is not sad. It's sensible.

Every healthy relationship needs an escape pod and this doesn't mean pergi berpoya-poya tak hingat rumahtangga and slagging you off. It means scheduling time apart to exercise their musculinity and your femininity (slagging them off or discussing how good was your acrobatic session..heheh..is this what you all talk about, you married women?) and remind ourselves how different (or lost) they would be without you.You got to allow them their freedom and they will love you more. You gatecrash their party and your invitation is likely to be rescinded.Permanently.

For a while, I don't think TL's member-member kamceng even noticed me and TL pulak masa kitorang berdating, macam nak mengelak kengkawan dia jumpa I. I did suspect yang I am not good enough to be introduced to his mates but only later that it emerged that his friends has high regard for me (for being the tak banyak cekadak ke?)

For what it's worth, TL did love me....so much that he chose other woman to marry. Hikss...

MCS

It is a human nature that we like life to be easy.We love less hassle.

One guilt-ridden yummy mummy in her blog, has pledge to be a good mother to her baby that she has yet to name. First sign of bad parenting.Susah benau ke nak bagi nama anak? We are all not in a hurry to emulate Johor Royal Clan who named their babies with all the names they can think about.Eh...nanti masa buat IC, takde masaalah ke Tuanku? Nobody expect you to name your baby Siti Nur Jamilah Fatimah Sabariah Maimunah Habibah Angelina Jolie binti Bapakdia. I'm sure there's so many names that you can just pick up from the thin air that you breathe...so, apa lagi?

Well, begitulah nasib second baby kan? Just because we don't fuss and suss, orang pikir kita ni tak kisah.If only you know what is inside...

I am the second child in my family. I am a very quiet child. I am contented wearing and playing 2nd hand clothes and toys, inherited from my eldest brother a.k.a anak pertama yang sungguh dinanti-nanti kehadirannya. I doubt that I am the 'unplanned' baby (I detest the term accident, demi menghormati perasaanku sendiri) because, although I don't get lots of fuss and attention, I am still my father's favourite (kata my mother lah...agaknya, after my brother mendurhaka, barulah dia terperasan betapa anaknya yang selalu tak banyak songeh ni adalah sebutir permata dalam lumpur (ceh..rasa nak muntah aku)

I can't remember creating a big drama when I was growing up. I go to school, I opted for kasut $ 7.99 Badminton Master tapak hijau and not Aliph (this kasut are so expensive those days) , I settled for 2B pencil and not that fancy mechanical pencil. My eldest brother were happily flashing away his magnetic pencil case with pintu depan belakang and I used the metal one that you have you press open.

I never complained.Never.I get what is given. My only demand was Dewan Pelajar. Sungguhlah low maintenance nya. My brother when to that all boy school near Tunku Durah's School. My parents visited him regularly with lauk pauk and pocket money. He seems to get everything he asked for. He behaved like he was so hard done by.Menyampah gila betul I dengan dia masa tu...his problems at school becomes our problems at home.My father was working in Karachi at that time, but made time to sort his problem from afar. My brother left that school after 2 years...I secretly think that it was my parents excessive intervention that caused him to behave like he owns the world.

I went into boarding school after that.The trauma he caused the family while he was living in the hostel taught me that, okay..I'm not going to be like him.I am not going to give my parents any stress.Even sekolah and senior-senior I macam celaka,I still tell my parents that I'm okay,walaupun tiap-tiap malam,air mata ku berchuchuran githooo.....

My mother was working fulltime when we were little, and you can imagine how difficult life must be for her dengan anak-anak yang menciak-ciak and dengan seorang laki yang tak nak menolong but suka memerintah aje. Obviously, a child like me is a bless for her.The less fuss I make, the better. She can focus on other things like masak,basuh kain, pergi kerja etc.She hardly ever have time to rest, apatah lagi nak bermesra dengan anak-anak. But she gave everything she could and she still does.

I think I grow up on my own. I have a parents but because I was too independent, I was let to do my own thinking and ocassionally left to my own devices. My brother behaved badly that I vowed not to impose so much demand to my 'poor' parents. However, all those years left me feeling sidelined and abandoned. It took a long journey in a personal teraphy to make me realised that my mother loves me the same she loves the others.

One of my work colleague was moaning about her daughter and quoted the 'middle child syndrome' words. I told her, you know what, she will be realiable one amongst your others because she had learned to fend for herself since she can remember. You better pray that she will not go far,far from you.

I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe just to let you know there is some people out there yang tak suka buat kecoh, tak pandai nak mintak-mintak and would rather diam than berkeriau making a point or seeking attention.

And I am one of them...and I am a middle child.

My Awful Dream

Dek banyak sangat kerja, I opted to sleep at work yesterday. I was working and working and sedar2, dah pukul 10.45 malam and dengan keadaan England dikala ini ramai sangat Hang Jebat derhaka wannabe i.e. man and their knife...to catch a bus home and to travel sensorang atas tube ditemani budak-budak hoodie yang jahat, is not a good choice.Orang kata,kalau dah takdir nak mati, mati lah kat mana-mana...tapi being a foreigner far far from kampung halamankieww Paroi Jaya...I dread being dead in a foreign country. So sebagai ikhtiar (or takut hantu/budak hitam berpisau/percopet/mentally ill people let loose out there) I tidur lah kat opis. Opis ada folded bed and I already have a spare of everything in my bag.

I was woken up (tak hengat le pukui berapa) and mulalah menangis tersedak-sedak. I dreamt about si Tua tu kena cancer and dah nak mati. Of course la, when you have that scenario in a dream, there is no such thing as cancer tahap 1,2,3. Bila dah jadi mimpi, mestilah orang yang kena cancer tu akan mati in tempoh 2,3 jam lagi macam tu (only if your dream lasted that long) So, adegan-adegan orang pergi regular check up or chemoteraphy tak kan ada lah...

So, si Tua kunun nya akan mati...and you know, sebagai seorang manusia yang penuh dengan sifat keselfishan...(bahasa ku) people like me will only sedar diri bila benda dah nak hilang depan mata...yang lama-lama ni tak nampak. In my dream, I keep telling si Tua tu how sorry I am to have let the work take control of me, betapa aku telah melupakan rumah tangga dengan bekerja sampai nak gila...nangis-punya nangis (all that long) sampai dia mati....

See...bila I pikir, adakah aku akan menangis sebagitu ropa kalau dia pergi dulu sebelum kiewww (janganlah lah kau bersedeyyy hatiii) padahal, selang dua hari kami akan bergaduh sampai sumpah menyumpah dan seperti biasa, mulutku yang mungil ini akan cakap...mampos lah kau!!! Hah!!! Mampos betul-betul ni...

So, in the morning I telephoned si Tua tu, bagitau lah apa I mimpi malam tadi, how I was so sad and asked repeatedly if this (our relationship) is a mistake. Tua tanya,what brought this on? I pun cakap...is it worth it? You hardly see me, and when you do, we fought.I am at work most of the time, I'm never there...and I'm leaving again for a month in Sept to be with my family...it is so not fair.You should be with someone that is committed, and look at me...in no hurry to leave work to be with you. (Repentant sungguh masa ni...) See, dalam pada selfish-selfish, I ni ada jugak hati and perasaan....

My life is so full of fears. Fears of leaving things till it is too late.Bila I bangun pagi and tetiba rasa sedih (I'm ruling out PMT here tawww) first thing I'll ask myself, apsal lak ni...nak terima berita tak baik ke? I hardly sembahyang but I know, I seek god in my silent prayers all the time. My father is ill...my family is far. I am not packing up to go home for good to be nearer to them, I already have a life here...my own life.Everyday I am conscious that I'm hurting my father's feeling.I don't call home to speak to him or my mother for that matter.Not because I don't care...because I can't cope being very sad.

There was a time when the emotion get the better of me, I nak balik kampung. But I made commitment dengan si Tua tu. Yes, we can be difficult, we argue, we trade insult, we called each other names...

I cakap dengan si Tua tu on the phone, you cannot die now. I know I'm horrible and I'm not going to change in a hurry but I love you...you are very important to me.I can't bear not being able to see you again. Is that bad?

Si Tua menjawab dengan cool nya (and I always ended feeling so bad) I know Darling...go back to work...and I'll see you later. Don't worry too much.

Macam tu lah I...kesedaran siviks adalah dalam 2,3 hari....tengoklah besok. Mesti berperang balik.

Taaa...

To All Dentist Out There....

I think in my previous,previous post...I mentioned about my love/hate relationship with my Dentist. Dentist loves me (ye la..aku ni tak qualify dah nak jadi NHS patient) and I never remember liking Dentist anyway...kejam sungguh, especially when mereka-mereka tu dapat peluang menggerudi gigi you.Pulak tu, ada nafsu nak buat komen-komen puaka...Dentist hey? Who gave them liberty to pass comment like that????

However, 2 hari lepas...I terpaksa senyum dalam tangisan buat appointment nak jumpa Dentist puaka tebing biru tu...one of my filling boleh ghaib and left quite a distinctive hole. Bila dah berlubang, sakit lah kan? And bila dah sakit tu, dah takde makna nak negotiate-negotiate bagai...maka kuserahkan mulutku yang mungil ini untuk dirobek kan oleh Dentist puaka ittew...

Alangkah terperanjat beruk nya bila receptionist Dental Surgery tu bagi I bill. Nak tahu how much....? Cehh..mulalah lah nak berlagak kan...macamlah gaji I 30 ribu sebulan....flippin' £210.00 you all.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Rasa nak aku gigit aje receptionist tu dengan gigi ku yang baru ditampal ni...

Almost 24 hours jugaklah aku mengomplen...mind you, £210 can take me as far as Switzerland and back, siap hotel siap makan lagi...although, not as lucky as some people yang kerjanya balik kampung bergaloks..pastu bongkak lak tu...mentang2 lah naik kapalterbang free...siapalah orang tu ye?

In the end, I terpaksalah kan menerima hakikat yang duit ku dah terbang masuk pocket Dentist puaka tu.Geram sungguh!!! Lagi menggeramkan hati, Dentist tu boleh pulak buat parting speech dengan I, see you in 6 months time (blah lah lu!!!) and made suggestion that I jumpa ortodontist (ye ke spelling ni Kiah?) because katanya gigi I macam kepala I jugak lah tak centre nya. So, she recommend cosmetic work, cabut tu,cabut ni, bagi balance atas bawah and ni semua menjanjikan gigi yang sihat dan jelita (not forgetting pocket yang sungguh menderita)

None of my siblings is qualified Dentist, I may have a school friend yang I tak geng dedolu and dah jadik Dentist kat Kuantan Hospital. Apa pulak kata makcik tu kan, dah le bertahun tak tanya khabar berita, tahu-tahu nak menjejak kasih pasal nak dapat free treatment...podah la!!!

Then I teringat, I ada scandal dengan tah sapa Dentist bini orang...yang dikala ini sungguh ku teringin nak ber networking dengan mu.However, I am very mindful of the consequences of too close for comfort ni...especially when the job/treatment involves that person leaning frontal first keatas diriku yang vulnerable atas kerusi yang di adjust rapi oleh sang Dentist ni...

Let's imagine this....

'Ahh..cepat...naik atas kerusi' ----Dentist proceed to leg pressing some pedestal, indirectly suggesting...dekatlah padaku....

Of course after that chair-adjusting session, you are placed in the most compromising situation...in the room, there is only the dental nurse (yang takut dekat Dentist) the Dentist and you. I was told that Dentist can also function alone, without the nurse.Wuih..lagi senanglah nak ambik kesempatan kan?

Dentist come closer...there will be awful lot of leaning....and rabun is one of many perfect excuses.You certainly can feel their body touching yours...

Because I am so pemalu...I'll close my eyes. See, we are at our most vulnerable bila kita didalam kegelapan...dalam pada mulut terbukak and mata tertutup tu, macam-macam boleh berlaku...I remember once, sambil Dentist sibuk menggali lubang dalam gigi I, I was feeling so disorientated sampai terkangkang-kangkang. Hamboiii.....

See, macam-macam boleh berlaku....Like...saliva swapping.

Okay....enough of Ortho-Erotica moment. The fact is, I need to do a massive oral reconstruction. My Dentist is charging me £1000 over and I'm desperate to get to know any Dentist out there that can do the job half price.

Marilah ber networking dengan ku......

Update

Because most of my favourite blogger mengambik cuti tanpa gaji and not updating their blog, so I thought, I should follow suit. Hari-hari I masuk, tengok orang2 ni update blog ke idak...haram. I can understand maybe one or two person, that had to mind their newborn babies in between sneaking out having a me time, bloghopping (or tengok porn dalam Internet...siapakah ittew? Adakah aku meng spekurama tak sudah menuduh wanita suci tengok pornography?)

I was insanely busy at work.Disamping stress-stress tak perlu (did I tell you that I had to attend this investigation meeting because one of my colleague accused me of being a racist?...uh,uh,uh...) I am also so behind with the paperwork...tapi Allah itu maha kaya, dalam pada I dah lambat sangat nak mengejar deadline and risk to incur the wrath of my Boss (yang aku hampir nak jatuh chenta pada suatu ketika dulu...ohh, chenta orang utan) my Boss tu boleh terjatuh dalam sessi-sessi gallopping nya and patah kaki...maka, dalam pada dia sakit kaki tak leh jalan tu, I took the opportunity to finished up my work sambil berdoa lambatlah kaki dia baik.

Well, I managed to finished my work on time and in between, I had few casualties. My new Line Manager decided to berambus, I had to sack this Liverpudlian girl (I was fighting with my conscience) and I must have upset few gagaks at work that made them lodge a complaint against me. Sakit jugak hati I...to have a gagak bangsat branded you a racist, padahal dia tu terang terangan so insecure about their own identity sungguhlah memualkan.

Let's start with having to terminate the contract of this young lady from Liverpool. Well, things is not working at work and my deputy was gravely annoyed with her.We arranged a counselling meeting and ghopa-ghopa nya si adik ni mengandung...and dalam dilema pulak whether nak simpan ke nak buang, pasalnya 2 weeks before that, dia baru dapat tahu yang boifren nya dah main kayu 3 belakang nya...laaahhhh!!!! So, adik ni decided to abort her baby...I'm sure the decision is not easy but she became the victim of her own hormonal imbalance. My Line Manager (MLM,the Italian woman) pressed me into terminating her.MLM cakap, oi Makji, you already dah banyak problem, you don't need another one...get rid of her.She is a snake.

I must say, I am a bad judge of character.In the past I always, have been making the bad decisions...and my head was not in the right place couple of weeks ago.I agreed with MLM to terminate her contract.It must be hard for her, had to get rid of her baby and now, getting the sack.It is hard for me not to get very personal but it is about time for me to learn...to detach business and personal.

MLM decided to leave. Towards the end of our working relationship together, I started to think that she is a bit meroyan and I was telling MB how, during our supervision session, MLM terus bukak Holy Bible nya, buat reference. I was very uncomfortable.I'm nothing against other religion but I really hate it when I am subjected to this very uncomfortable situation.But being 'suka duduk atas pagar' that I am, I diam saja.Cakap lah apa you nak cakap.MLM was very surprised when I told her that I am Muslim, she said that I don't look like one and don't sound like one.Whatever that means. Do I really have to act/talk Muslim? How to talk/act Muslim? In London, the moment you say that you're one, your faith will be automatically link to the 7/7 or 21/7 suicide bomber. You long to hear the kind of Muslim who keep their head down, always helping others, mengaji, sembahyang and not at all threatening.My parents are the kind, the Muslim I knew are the kind...

When MLM finally left, I told my Boss (Cik Puan Besar) what I really think of MLM. Berani sungguh!!! I think what it is with me is that I spent all this years working with mentally challenged people.People always say, you can't change people but you can change you.But I think, nobody needs to change here.You just have to try harder not be affected.People does have an effect on you, good or bad.If we keep on changing just to suit other, what is left for us to know who we really are? What am I? What am I like before all this? 20 years ago, I was this very shy, quiet girl who can't even stand up to herself. And now, I analysed every little thing and lost sight of my real self. I can't even remember my original self.

The Racism...this is new. I don't even know what to say. The sensitive me is wondering what went wrong but the reality is, however hard to swallow, although you always hope that life is wonderful, dalam pada yang baik-baik tu, ada jugak setan bertopengkan gagak.Gagak is very good at hitting you where it hurts.And gagak is the type of people who will use your weakness against you.What is ideal is to have a fight head on, using all strength. But if you have bad leg and your opponent sussed that out straight away and mulalah start menyepak kaki you...tak ke hati pun jadi sakit?

I only now realised that I have typed the entry this long and I forgotten what it was all about in the first place.

Apakah ni? Certainly not mid life crisis.