In Your Autistic World....

Few days ago, I have this duty to tell my client/patient yang bapaknya akan mati. Sebagai pekerja yang takde kelulusan tinggi, kerja2 lahanat yang macam gini semuanya akan dipasskan kat I. Bencik tau. Bapaknya dah on defribiliator (betul ke ejaan nya Kiah?) for days, and spital punya policy, kalau dah takde brain activity tu kiranya orang tu seropalah macam dah mati and mereka sungguh memerlukan katil2 mereka untuk orang lain mati diatasnya. Tu dia spital kat UK ni.

So I bawak si minah ni jumpa bapak dia buat kali penghabisan...sebelum nak sampai ke spital tu, I sudah hint sikit2...nak cakap direct tak bley. Dengan orang yang macam si client saya ni, nak bagitau benda2 yang akan merenjat otak macam ni, adalah serupa macam cakap dengan budak kecik juga. How do you tell your child yang mak/pak nya dah tak ada? I ada kawan yang lakinya mati mengejut dengan anak2 yang kecik2. Dah la dia pun terkejut lakinya mati mengejut, maka nak bagitau budak tu abahnya (dah la sikecik2 manja dengan abahnya) dah mati...isk..isk...in the end, she didn't say a word to the kids. The two mites just tengok aja bapaknya baring, kena selungkup, orang baca yassin etc etc..kena mandi dan later kebumi. I am not sure if the kids got to kiss abah or not. I was told budak2 tu gasakla bermain kejar2 dengan budak2 lain. Only after few days, budak2 tu nangis sebab tak nampak2 abahnya...nangislah dalam seminggu lebih lepas tu tak tanya2 dah.

My client ni tak dibela oleh bapaknya, tapi I think she saw him a lot when she was growing up. Adik beradiknya yang lain tak de contact langsung dengan bapaknya sebabnya bapaknya ni set2 bapak takleh harap gituh. But case bapaknya takleh harap tu tidak lah menjadi masalah I kann? Masalah I ialah nak bagitau anaknya yang bapak nya akan mati. So mulalah I mengatur soklan-soklan....

You know your dad is ill in the hospital, didn't you?    Yeah.

How do you feel about that?     Err...sad. Oh no..I feel bad. Is that okay?

Why must you feel bad?   Err, because he is ill.

Okay, that's fine. It is okay to feel bad about ill people. Not a bad thing. You feel bad, as in terrible that they're ill, is that what you mean by feeling bad?   Yes, yes.

Your dad is very ill you know. Has anybody told you that?    Err, sort of.

You know, when people get ill, there's chances they might die.    I know.

How you do feel if that the case with your Dad?   Is my Dad going to die?

That's not my question. What did I just said?   Err, how I feel if he...

Yeah. How will you feel, if he didn't get better and die?   I will feel bad.

(Seram...bad can mean...amuk besar-besaran) Bad? Bad like?   Bad...like...I don't know.

You know, if my dad died, I will feel sad and I will cry. Like you. You cried when Nana died long time ago. Do you?

Yes, when somebody we care about died, we feel sad. Because they died and we don't get to see them again. Because they either be buried or cremated. Your Nana, was she cremated or buried? Cremated.

We are going to the hospital now. Your dad is very sick. He is not breathing well, he is using machine.  Machine? Yes, when someone have to use the machine to breathe, it is really not good. Ohh. So is Dad going to die? Yes he is most probably now that the machine is involved. But I think the doctor want you to see him first. Why? Because they think you should see him. Is it because he is going to die? Yes.

But if you don't want to, I understand. Everyone will understand. Death, funeral..hospital..is not easy for some. Can I think about it? Of course you can...but can I ask, what do you want to think about? Err, I don't know...I'm thinking, I'm thinking...

You want to go home and think? But I must tell you we don't have much time. If your dad died today, you can't go and visit him anymore. Okay. I want to see him today. Can I not see him when he die? I will ask the doctor.

******jumpa pak dia kat ICU********

Miss, my dad is going to die. I know. I am sad. (her tears starts showing) It's okay. You saw him. After this you will miss him. You not sad, Miss? Yes I am, but not because of your dad. Why you sad, Miss? Because of you. I am sad because you're sad. We always feel sad when other people we care about is sad. Do you think others (housemate dia) will be sad too? Maybe. They don't know your dad so it is hard for them to feel sad for him. They probably will feel sad because they see you crying.How long do you think I will be sad Miss? I'm not sure. Maybe after you stop thinking about him dead, then you will stop feeling sad. What do you mean? It's normal, when we like something, when we love someone, when they dissapear from us, we will feel terribly sad. We can be angry too. Angry? Yeah, that happened to people too...too much sadness can make them very angry. Some people express their sadness by crying, and some people...get angry. There's people who don't feel anything at all, because they don't want to think about it. You think I should be sad or angry, Miss? I don't know. You will feel it on your heart. But if you feel angry, best not to be for long.Why Miss? Because when you get angry for long, you will miss out on being sad. Okay, I am angry at my Dad. Why? Because he is going to die? Yeah. That's a horrible thing to do. To die. He didn't have a choice. He does. He is not suppose to smoke ciggarettes and drink booze. Okay, he made a bad choice but he didn't choose to die, although all that bad things didn't help.I'm sure he feels bad now for bringing this on to himself. Yes I bet he did. So, feel sorry for him he made bad choice, okay? Yes I will. And when he die, I will feel sad, is that okay Miss? Yes, that's fine. Be sad about him until you find something else to be sad about. You will be okay. Remember, he will be in the better place. I know Miss.

When I wrote this, bapaknya dah pun mati. Tutup je machine, dekat 1/2 day jugak dia nak padam...uishh, bahasa I kann?  Kesian. Anak bersepah-sepah. Takde pun yang meratap. Tulah padahnya pandai beranak aje and membuat janji2 palsu kat anak2. The funeral is next week. Mesti aku lah yang akan kena pergi escort tu...ishhh nya.