Jawapan Kepada Request Yang Sia-Sia

How come when Kiah made demand, I moved to this automated mode to follow instantaneously???? Adakah ini chenta?? (Cam shialll je bunyik nya..) Well...hats off, she really know how to get what she wants of me. So, katanya nak order something? Mana request nya...aku udah mau pulangin ni.

Actually, without Kiah soft strop hence addressing herself as SAYA KIAH in my chat box..I memang nak update pun. But I was away from my desk in London and currently in East Anglia yang sejuk cam syaitonnn ini. Ciss, who would have thought that September will be cold and gloomy like this? Wahh...Paroi Jaya, nantikan daku occay?

Okay....whoever of you who sent this....

Saya tak tahu nak pergi mana. Saya cuba bunuh diri tapi tak cukup kuat nak betul betul laksanakannya. Tolong, saya tak nak mati sia sia. ghinoptv@yahoo.com

Not once but sampai 4 kali (but only got published once) Can I just say to you that you will have better luck calling your emergency samaritans service for immediate help instead of me. I hope you're still alive or managed somehow scribble some notes telling the people who may find you lifeless not to bother interrogating your closest enemies.

Irregardless whether this is a cry for help or seeking attention, I am programmed to take what you said seriously. Pasal tu I buat entry ni, kalo tak sumpah ku takmau layan. I am sorry that you're feeling whatever you're feeling. You seem so depressed but somehow managed to logged into my blog and leave this message. How sweet of you to think of me in your hour of need.

I am not usually kind to severely despressed people, reason being..if you have come to stage where you want to end it all, chances are you have less ability to listen and making sense. You seems to know what you want and what are your strength. Your message says it all. You tried, but you 'feel' you're not strong enough to carry it out. Takut la tu. And you also tak nak mati sia-sia. Tahupun you. So, kesimpulannya you masih boleh berfikir. You still have energy to internalised all this...so gunakan tenaga you sebaik nya.

I am not going to judge you because I am going to let you do that yourself. But let me tell you this, there is so many people in similar profession as me, have been in this job long enough to know which cry for help is genuine. I am not saying that yours are NOT but I am pointing out some strength that you have which may be at your advantage.

Talk to someone you can trust. I am sorry I can't be much of a help to you. I am not sure what are you asking here. And honestly, I wouldn't know what to do because you know what you want yourself. Read back what you wrote and if you can think of something specific, please write again.

I wish you well. You are still (by the sound of it) in a conscious state. So harsh unemphatic response is necessary. However if you feel that you must kill yourself, consider doing the noble thing like don't tell anyone about what you're about to do. Chances are, you will make that person's life a living hell, blaming themselves for not being able to help you. Write a note. Ask forgiveness and forgive others. Be brave. Kalau dah tertulis you akan mati cara yang macam ni, apa nak dikata?

Kiah....now you must update yours.

Kenapalah Kita Terlampau Sensitive?

Entry ini tidak ada kena mengena dengan kejadian pergaduhan bodoh pesbuk minggu lepas. However, what I saw posted in my Facebook walls, inspired this.



1. Budak-Budak Pompuan Bertudung Yang Kurang Moral

Ni bukan I yang label ye..but the comments I read upon the posting of the video of them mucking about in YouTube. Majority of the commentators, one of them is related to me cakap...budak-budak pompuan ni adalah manusia paling bebal dan menjatuhkan maruah orang bertudung and mempersendakan agama. What do they actually do? Err...them 3 girls, berzikir ala dikir barat siap tepuk-tepuk tangan tinggi-tinggi tu, followed by some giggles. Ye laa..kelakar lah rasa nya kannn? I don't know why people seems to have this special rules about pompuan yang pakai tudung...bahawasanya, once you decided to tutup aurat, maka tidak bolehlah lagi kamu membuat perangai-perangai yang tak seswai dengan tudung you. Hmmm...I dulu pun pakai tudung atas paksaan MRSM. But lepas jugak kitorang buat aksi gatal bontot and gelak macam Mahmood June. Nothing to do with the tudung...but of course lah, you're hoping that the tudung should curb your salah laku. We can always try...salah laku consists of lots of things in my eyes. Pada orang yang rasa dia ni hollier than thou will say, buat apa pakai tudung but then still ikut jantan masuk semak. That kind of salah laku. However bila Ketua Muslimah pi caci maki carut opposition party, still clad in her long and heavy tudung...itu bukan salah laku pulak ye? I pity those girls. They're young and maybe not that smart (yelah..kalau bijak sana, wakpe lah lu orang gi videokan joke-joke bangan you all tu) but to accused them of menjatuh maruah and mempersendakan agama..its a bit harsh. Pardon me if I am wrong..but apart from the dikir barat style, they were reciting the zikir properly..takdelah dia pi tokok tambah dengan lagu kumpulan Too Phat ke hapa. Who are we to conclude such judgement menuduh bebudak ni mempersendakan agama? Why can't we just take the message exactly as they were intended to...yakni, budak2 pompuan tu having a light moment amongst themselves. Ada pulak comment cakap..kompem masuk neraka bebudak pompuan tu...hish!



2. The Bunuh & Bakar

I read somewhere that this man, who is a religious officer ke siapa, quoted that..pembunuhan Sosilawati adalah satu penghinaan kepada agama Islam. Pasalnya...all the deceased was burnt. Katanya orang Islam bukan mati dibakar. Wehh....sajalah nak bagi sesat hati orang yang bangsa pakmak turut ni kan...sukalah you nanti orang Islam (yang bangsa suka gaduh terus berfeeling Mujahiddin) pi bunuh orang India pulak. This is a criminal act, how is it penghinaan kepada Islam? Bakarudin murderer also attempted to disposed their crime by pouring petrol over his body and set him alight. I doubt they have in mind to hina Islam...but more on the intention supaya takdelah orang nak tangkap depa kann? It is gravely unfortunately that all the deceased has now charred beyond recognition. I think this has nothing to do with Islam or disrespecting any other people religious belief for that matter. It is clearly an act of greed. Kenapa perlu sensitive tak bertempat?


3. Alejandro
I was tagged in a notes written by someone about this Lady Gaga song. Personally, I like the melody (and the men in heels clad only in black brief..whoahhh) But some hamba allah over analysed, however he/she could be right in his/her analysis. The analysis was very impressive and educational. I never knew one could be so precise with attention to details. This is why I always maintain that we should try to separate our religious belief with our practical lives. A faith is a must amd Islam is the way of life. Tapi kita kenalah berpada-pada dalam mengeluarkan pendapat and janganlah sesekali menganggap orang lain tidak punya akal sendiri. Macam, kalau kita dengar lagu 'Like A Prayer' ke 'Papa Don't Preach' terus kita semua berfeeling nak ngikut Madonna. Tak boleh ke kita dengar lagu dengan niat untuk berhibur saja? Takk....notes for Alejandro terus meminta kita berhati-hati dengan kumpulan bawah tanah ni yang nak memesongkan akidah kita. What made you think kita semua nak start makan salib macam Lady Gaga tu just because kita dok nyanyi lagu Alejandro, hah? Ada makcik sorang ni terus buat statement, okay lah..pasni akak akan berenti dengar lagu Lagy Gaga Laknatullah itu. Wehhh..kak, who gives you the right to jatuhkan hukuman ke atas manusia just because kita hanya nampak dia dalam TV ber rararararararara rororomannnnncceeeee.

I wanted to share my opinion about those who gets oversensitive upon his/her removal from another person Facebook's friendlist. But, biarlah...sebab ada orang..kawannya ramai hanya dalam pesbuk aje. So kalau itulah life yang buat dia happy, asal dia tak kacau orang...biaq dia lah kan...

Kiah & NBNS, siap kau kalau kau dilit aku!!!

Update

Hari ni tadi Boss paling besar dalam organisation I, mintak nak jumpa I. Well, message nya dapat semalam...tapi hari ni lah baru ada kesempatan gi jumpa pun. Diva lah sangat kan I...


Well, that is the mukadimah. People I work with has been making suggestions on how to improve my femininity. Wehh...butch cassidy sangat kah I? Takkkk....kata mereka, I got hidden beauty (believe me I so nak muntah even typing this) I was out with my colleague untuk sessi-sessi ngumpat patient & boss recently, and one of the girls tanya, mana handbag I. So I told her I am not a handbag person. Or make up...for that matter.

So this lady tanya, so where do you put all your stuff then? I told her that all my stuff is in my multi purpose bag. Then bila dapat bas on the way nak balik umah, bila dok sensorang kepala melayang..I dok wonder..why lah I tak nak pakai handbag ye? Adakah kerna handbag tu sangat kecik and leceh dan tidak practical for me who is only into big things ni. Or is it cerita rampok samun handbag yang membuatkan I tidaklah sesungguh hati nak ber toting handbag like mak datin kulu kilir? Then all that persoalan dalam kepala concluded dengan fakta sebenar yang...I ni..tak berapa suka handbag. Suka..suka la h jugak..but kalau nak gi melaram boleh la kan...but, how many times lah sekarang ni yang I keluar melaram nya pun????

I ni selalu dapat compliment, orang kata (lembu tokleh cakap bahasa yang kita paham kannn..kalu tak sure lembu pun kata) kulit I cantekk...so I see no purpose of menepek mekap. I am shit-scared of celak mata..or any bahan pencantik muka yang ada kena mengena dengan mata. I have tried...and sebelum situkang taruk celak hilang sabar and cucuk bijik mata I with the celak instead, so I better say my peace with celak. I can still tahan Mascara..but apa jadahnya kalau benda tu ended up akan mengaburi spek mata ku dengan corak-corak Zebra?


But since umur pun muda sikit je dari Kiah (fact is..Kiah lebih tua dari I) I have to befriends with Boots No.7 and Olay, demi mengurangkan garisan contour di muka ku ni. Walaupun umur makin tak muda, muka mestik maintain muda.


Going off a tangent sikit...my raya was okay..takdela siapa yang volunteer nak jadik Neng Yatimah ke..Azean Irdawaty ka...or any other pelakon cerita tamil for that matter yang suka nangis sampai kluaq air hidung. We organised a Raya get together at our place. Yang menyambut Raya nya adalah 4 orang yang yang lenlain tu hanya tukang datang makan dan memperabihkan wine free hadiah Xmas tahun lepas orang bagi kat I. That's the closest thing I can get to celebrating Raya and I wore my recycle baju kurung. Okaylahh...I called my mother the first thing and mintak maaf zahir batin. I was quite pleased with myself, because masa raya depan mata dia pun, I jangan kata nak salam..mintak hampun pun tidak sebab busy nya menjadi stewardess raya pertama tu. (Alasangggg kan? Soheh anak derhaka aku ni, but like I said in my previous post...I have funny ways of showing affection to my parents)


In my lifetime..I only ever owned 3 handbag. My first handbag was from my ex. I don't know why he bought me a handbag...adakah kerna aku dok kulu kilir mengendong knapsack? Well...one of the sweetest things he did was to buy me a present with his first pay. He was in that KLCC project and his first pay was melekat into Suzuki Vitara & my Bonia handbag. Tapi..apa guna hadiah tanpa kata-kata...(sob..sob..sob..) Wehh..aku bukanlah pompuan materialplestik!!!


My 2nd handbag was a LV, specially made for us in SQ. (Kau ado, Qatar Airways???Takdo...) But, I was hardly seen toting one...sebab my favourite past time after working non-stop is tidur. Apa jadah tidur bawak handbag, ye tak???


My 3rd handbag...is a free gift from Body Shop. I'm not into brand. The handbag is so mungil and so practical. But also so kecik. Only mobile phone, inhaler, purse, sanitary towel, lipgloss and kayu sakti kecik I aje (this is another story altogether..) yang muat nya.


So, I am back to my more practical bag. The knapsack yang semua benda boleh masuk, termasuk benda-benda yang I songlap dari opis. If I ada meeting, I will berlagak lah sikit bawak my EA work bag. Mahal bag ni...very impulse purchase, tatau lah apesal. I ni jarang buat kerja bodoh (as in spend beratus pound for a bag) but hari tu, tah cemana, ada kuasa ajaib pulak kat Bond Street tu.


Ada jugak orang dekat-dekat I tegur...eh you, pakailah handbag. Nampak feminine sikit. How can you justify femininity with handbag? Just because women in general use handbags? Maybe. Of course lah, handbags are often used as affirmation of one femininity. As in berambut panjang jugak. Orang la kata...to me, you can look and be as butch as you like and your ultimate source of femininity is the one you possess between your legs.


I recently went out with my Bosses and thought, since this is a official do, I should make a bit of an effort. Heavily intoxicated, my big boss cakap kat I, Makji, don't get me wrong..but you should wear make up regularly and wear dress. I have never seen you this pretty. Should I be flattered to that? Not really. He was drunk. Although drunk people tell the truth, I did not appreciate his compliment one bit. Why?


He knows what job I do and where I usually work. People often say, look good for yourself and not for others. True...is not about what people say, being presentable is about how it makes you feel. But I am too practical. Asking me to wear dress and make up to work is like asking farm lady to wear stilettoes and bawak handbag gi perah susu lembu.


When I first started this job, the workplace is full of peeping toms that I had to asked somebody to accompany me to the loo. I can wear the loosest clothes on earth, hardly any colours on my face and still, I can be accused of 'turning someone on'. When I use to wear skirt at work, I have men waiting under the staircase and out of the blue, unassumed..somebody in the unit knows the colour of my undies.


So infront of me today is the same man who compliments aku rasa nak buang kat jamban. Of course he was not drunk but he is quite blunt with his comments. The reason he called is to ask me my reason for declining to attend the office conference plus Xmas dinner. My excuse has always been that I have to work. I did went last year but I didn't make it to the party. I hate going to work Xmas party. I am the only foreigner. Apparently I have 'accent'. Ye lah..amongs the orang putihs..kan ke accent ku ni accent Melayu Kiah..kannn?


So si tua ni macam nak pujuk I pergi Xmas part, again saying...this is the time you can get all doll-up. Make you feel better about yourself. Katanya si hamlau ni.


I look at him and smile.


I cakap kat dia...I always feel better about myself Sir, with or without being a doll. You know where I work...I talk to the homeless, drug addict and all sorts, who probably would rather spend money on a skunk than buying deodorants.


I would rather get all doll up with my friends or by myself, rather than going to Xmas party where all will end up get very drunk you can't tell the lips are red because of their lipsticks or red wine.


Unless them drunkard pledge not to take the piss out of me or call me Thai Girl, then I might consider. Until that day, I will be having my Xmas dinner somewhere else and not at office do.

-----------> Ni cakap dalam hati...oh, and I will wear make up and use handbag when I want to. Its for me..and not for you. Apa motif I cakap cam ni..tatau lah.

Well, entry ni takde pekdah...but sebelum Kiah sindir I dalam pesbuk...hah..bacalah.

Entry - Bawaklah Bersabar

Huiyoooo...ramai nya orang sudah gaduh! Ampat olang sulah mati....2 olang sudah tunang...and satu olang, sulah mintak lia munya luittt. Cilaka itu Nolman Hakim!!!


Itu pergaduhan orang yang glamerr. Yang semi-glamour....gaduh dalam pesbuk aje, pastu bawak masuk orang lain yang sibuk nak gi kerja. Haiyaa...sulah tatak kilija ka? Well, this should stop now or I might risk incurr someone else's wrath. WE should look after ourselves more...people can get annoyed for no reason. Benda sikit2 pun jadi besar. I ni jarang..jarangggg sangat gaduh dengan kawan (ye lah..kawan sama banyak dengan gigi, nak gaduh pe benda kan Kiah?) but paling selalunya, I pun kena tarik masuk dalam boxing ring sekali. I'm not some Ratu Perpaduan sejagat mcm orang Cambridge & Hull, I give opinions where matters...selalunya yang orang tak suka dengar lah kann..but since when orang suka mendengar nasihat jika mereka itu berasa menjadi mangsa?

Ada kawan sekolah I ni, sekarang tgh musim bergaduh dengan adik dia. Via Pesbuk. Laaa hai. Hari-hari ada status yang menyakitkan mata. She is my best friend la kiranya, kawan dari tadika...nak I tegur karang...takut dia tak suka. Tapi kalau dah ada status berbau ugutan macam nak melakukan GBH or ABH kat sesesorang, meh sini I nak cakap dengan you, be careful what we write in the eyes of the public. Sebagai law student yang tidak pass, I tahulah sikit-sikit mana and apa yang kita takleh tulis. You carut orang, orang boleh charge you with common assault, you ugut orang..nak lempang, nak hempuk..nak hantar tambi estet...kan ke threatening behaviour tu. Disebabkan I ni kerja memerlukan CRB (this msg goes to you too, Izuan) maka hati yang panas dan tangan yang ringan untuk mendusyum kepala puak-puak tertentu terpaksa disimpan didalam peti saja. So, janganlah sesuka nak membuat criminal record ye???? Maka, takut lah kita kepada Criminal Record Bureau itteww....(Izuan..tahan aje lah hati dgn SomSomPakPak tu...)

Kepada semua mangsa pergaduhan...I rasa, cara paling effective untuk menangani masalah ni ialah....kalau orang buat hal kat kita via angin lalu i.e. kita hanya mendengar dan mengesyaki perbuatan jahat orang melalui jalan angin (mulut la kannn) maka, tidak ada gunanya nak berpanas hati dan menyerang balas. Satu, kita tak tahu apa yang kita dengar tu betul. Kalaulah betul pun...situkang bawak mulut tu, perlukah nak mengadu domba? Kita dengar cerita orang itu..kita dengar cerita orang ini. Apa kita buat dengan cerita-ceriti itu? Kita cerita dengan hosmet kita yang tak tahu benda pun...dan berpakat gelak ramai-ramai. Bukan apa you, kelakar. You jumpa orang tu jugak pusing2 kampung...pastu you cakap hal dia. Dia pun cakap hal you dengan orang yang dia kenal jugak. Lepas tu rasa ketidakpuasan hati dari sikit jadi sebesar Notre Dame. Yang kesian nya, orang yang tukang dengar...selalu jadi mangsa.

Kepada adik-adik...yang berada nun jauh (via Eurostar) di Parits & Brussels. Selagi kita tak dengar mulut orang mencemuh kita dengan telinga kita sendiri, maka anggaplah itu suara syaitan. Jangan buat FB macam nursery playground. Kalau orang yang membawa mulut, itu adalah masalah orang yang bawa mulut tu dengan situkang cerita nya. Bila hati panas, kita boleh dan senang jadi paranoid. Kita rasa semua orang sakit hati dengan kita. Hal you tak puas hati dengan orang,tak payahlah nak dikirai untuk tatapan umum. You know the truth sudah la...

I ni selalu sangat terbabit. Bencik taww. Dulu ada orang Doha, camni gak pesen nya. Adu domba sana sini...lepas I tegur, diam pulak. Kepada sipemangsa, janganlah jadi mangsa kepada orang yang boleh dipersoalkan kapasiti akal pikirannya.

Some get over defensive....just because you think you serve the right to express what you think, you justify the fact that you can question others standing. Pe halll?

Mulut ni susah betul nak dijaga kenkadang....apa yang diniat baik, kenkadang tak selalunya keluar dengan baik. Tapi yang penting hati misti mau baik..walaupun mulut macam longkang tersumbat kan???

When altercation involves people I know, ada jugak case yang I paksarela tawww kena involves. Kosser. Jagalah adab dengan kata-kata yang kita keluarkan kepada kawan-kawan. Dulu ada budak PHD ni (tetappp ni nak guna contoh) dok maki-maki panggil orang unta la..apa lah. Buat apa? You jatuhkan kehormatan diri you sendiri. Orang hanya lebih simpati kalau kita redha dengan kecelakaan yang tuhan nak uji kat kita. Nasib baik dia tak marah bila kena tegur...

Jangan panggil orang atau samakan orang dengan Dajjal. Awak kan perlu menjaga akhlak semasa menunaikan tanggungjawab ni? Kita tak tahu apa nasib kita..selamat ke kita..bahagia ke kita. Kita tak tahu. Saya hanya cakap mengikut pengalaman.

Saya tiada istilah potong kek. Saya akan berkata-kata bila saya berasa perlu dan kasihan. Baguslah kalau kita tak mintak dikasihan orang, tapi kalau orang nak kesian kan kita, kita terimalah kerana itu rezeki. Saya kasihan kerana pergaduhan atas rasa salah faham ataupun mulut samsu haram adalah bodoh.

Pun begitu kepada kawan-kawan saya...silalah jangan gaduh dengan saya ye? Saya tahu lah saya buruk akhlak, tapi kita duduk jauh dari makbapak...dan kita mungkin memerlukan antara kita (dan karipap & pulut kuning Makji Eton)

Kepada Kiah...who I bear no barrier to maki hamun kutuk pitnah, and still the one who loves me enough to be a back up driver...nantilah ceklat dan Walkers crisps mu. Kau tak nak ke McCoy crisps?

Bersabar lah..ber maaf maafan lah..dan...kepada my friend yang berkempen kat pesbuk tu, udah udah lah. Ko tak malu ke orang kiri kanan menengok ko meghoyan sensorang???

Ciaooo.

Update

Sudah-sudah lah mintak darah...update la blog mu ittew. Kalau aku yang terdelay, sampai ke FB kau menuntut ye????


I will be flying to see my MC in few weeks time. We haven't seen each other for almost 5 months. Tersangatlah lama. Timing wasn't good for both of us to travel. Well, perjanjian setan jahanam nya ialah 3 bulan sekali. But orang tu janji nak ber summer dengan I. Ni dah nak masuk winter, batang hidung dia yang mancung tak jugak sampai kerumah pipi yang I yang tersorong-sorong ni. Biarlah dia....nanti satu hari yang permai...I akan merajuk tahap gajah afrika and membuat keputusan yang rasional lagi memecah kan hati.


I have decided to take up clinical work again after mengambil cuti rehat selama dekat setahun. Well, I was focussing my energy on MC and I think when our mind is occupied with something else, it is hard to offer mental protection for others. I don't get to fall in love many time in my life but enough to know that membuka ruang dalam hati kita untuk orang lain adalah satu process yang menyerupai membuka tin cacing. Our weaknesses are flashed in front of our very eyes. We do thing that we are likely to advise others NOT to do in the similar situation. We said yes when we know is a big NO. We want to move mountains and we want everything to fall into places.

Why do we do this? Love professed are no longer sufficient without some convincing action. Some people think action is not required but mutual understanding does. How often do you say what you think?

I am not fed up. Well, sometime I feel it but I rapidly washed that thoughts of my mind..again and again.

Dalam hati musti ada cinta....kalau lah tak ada, pi mampus lah kan? We often wonder why people does silly things...with exception that woman who had her daughter abused and killed by the boipren. But nowadays, susah la nak analyse the strength of love. Mak pun dah boleh buang baby dia sendiri, bapak pun dah boleh taruk anak dia sendiri...ish!

Well, selagi hati I ada cinta...after 16 years and after very unimpressive presentation...maka hati ini akan bersabar lah.

Raya & News

How rude am I...tak de langsung nak mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya kat korang kan? Hehehe...sorry lah ye. Dikala you all sibuk membuat persiapan raya, merebus ketupat bagai and bermain ngecunnn, I pulak sibuk kena kerah beli barang untuk majlis rumah terbuka I. Tau-tau dah raya you....

So, marilah kita bermaaf-maafan atas segala keterlanjuran kata, freedom of opinion, fitnah melulu (this only applies to budak TKC) dan teguran nasihat yang tak dimintak tapi beri sesuka suki hati.

I was a bit distracted by the news prior to Raya. The lawyer that was kidnapped later killed is a family friend. Mulut I mmg la lancang nya you all.....I was skyping with a friend, and was wishing her well in her business venture and I said, I hope you will be rich and famous like Sosilawati Lawiya. My friend said...alhamdulillah, but pastu cakap, eh takut lah..nanti kena culik pulak. I pun sambung la...this is 2 days before raya or so...I pun kata, I rasa macam diorang tu dah kena bunuh aje...

Isk. Bukan lah I nak doa orang-orang tu kena bunuh, but this is such a stage kidnap that victims are unlikely to be released unharmed. Walaupun sokabar dok la kata selamat lah, tu lah ni lah...but this is not like cerita Datuk Sosilawati & kengkawan tu pi ekspedisi menaiki Gunung Jerai and tersesat jalan kannn?

Al-Fatihah. The story afterwards was sad. It is very heartbreaking to lost the one you love before or masa raya. Those are the raya that you will remember.Allah sayangkan mereka...walaupun mengikut berita, dipukul and ditunuk dengan taik kambing sampai tinggal ketul2 tulang aje. The Datuk yang kena bunuh tu dah selalu kena tipu tapi dengarnya bersabar saja. Maybe, Allah tak nak dia kena tipu lagi.

Seeing the murder and mastermind suspects, made me a racist. And I will continue be a racist to these buggers until they are hanged.

Pastu, ada pulak budak sekolah yang hilang sampai makpak risau and report polis. Tau tau boleh pulak hantar message kat mak kata selamat. Balik aje lah rumah dek oiii...yang kau gatal nak lari pesal? Bila lah diorang ni nak belajar, yang lari ngikut boifren..gi Taiping ke, Lombok ke..CyberChendering ke..tak kan mendatang kan hasil? Apa punya jantan yang sanggup nak ajar anak orang lari dari rumah?

Tup-tup..dalam pada kita semua dok terkejut and sedih and menunggu-nunggu perkembangan terbaru kes bunuh ni, keluar pulak cerita Nomang Haking bertunang dengan Memek kannnn? Adakah kita akan menyambut berita ini dengan gumbira, Kiah???? Ermm...let's see, bini orang tu dulu sarat mengandung, ko kacau laki nya. Tak kisah lah siapa kacau siapa..but, kalau kita dah tahu orang tu terang-terangan dah ada bini, buat hapalah kau sambut salam chenta nya???? Dah le kau sambut salam chenta or memberi salam chenta, boleh steady pulak kau tak mengaku kannn? Ko kata pulak bini tu yang paranoid la..menghoyannn la. Hah..tuhan nak tunjuk (and orang lain dah lama ngintip) maka tertangkap lah kamu dalam keadaan basah nya.

Moga berbahagialah hendak nya ye....

Kiah, selamat hari raya. I lap yu tuuuu.

Ada Orang Berperangai Malam Tadi...

Hosmet saya kata.......

Sejak saya ada gewe, saya sudah lain. Saya tanya..lain macam mana?
Lain laaa....selalu duduk dalam bilik saja sekerang ni. Dah tak nak borak-borak. (Ermm....sejak bila pulak saya rajin berborak?)

Lagi? Sejak you ada gewe ni...sudah tak mau tengok TV dengan kitorang lagi...(kitorang tu, dia dua orang lah) Saya cakap...ye ke? Bukan ke kita semua tak pernah tengok TV sama-sama sebab you yang selalu simpan remote control dan balik-balik tengok CSI, Bola, NCIS, Criminal Mind, Wrestling Pompuan/Jantan ganas etc? Dia cakap...mana ada? (Elehh...tak ngaku pulak)

Saya cakap..tak delah. Saya dok dalam bilik sebab saya penat. Lagipun...saya kan bangun awal nak pi kerja and selalu balik lambat dan kerja tak serupa orang? So, masa lapang saya...saya tido lah. Tak pun..saya main masak-masak dalam FB. Tak kan you tak tau?

Hosmet cakap...kita dah lama tak keluar sama-sama. Saya tanya balik, selalu ke kita keluar sama-sama? Dia cakap..err, selalu jugak. Saya tanya balik...kita pergi mana ye? Dia jawab...kita kan selalu pergi mana-mana...

Saya cakap...mana ada. Dulu sebelum kita pindah rumah sebelah taman rusa besar ni, you all (hosmet-hosmet saya) selalu berjanji nak jalan-jalan dan picnic kat taman. Tapi...dah setahun kita dok kat sini...dan paling jauh you both pernah pergi dengan berjalan kaki ialah kedai ayam goreng kat bawah sana tu. Saya yang sorang-sorang dok jalan kaki/naik basikal pi taman besar tu. Saya sambung lagi...bila saya ajak, semua tunjuk muka sembelit. Saya ajak gi gym yang dah tersedia ada dalam kawasan rumah pun, tunjuk muka sembelit jugak. Tapi cita-cita nak jadik Elle McPherson. Elle McPherson tu bukannya bersenam dalam mimpi and bangun-bangun terus slim melim, kata saya.

Hosmet cakap lagi. Katanya, sejak saya ada gewe...saya sudah sombong dan tak pedulik dengan nya. Saya tanya...tak pedulik macam mana? Dia jawab...tak pedulik lah. Saya cakap...err, that is a blanket answer. Be specific la...apa yang saya tak peduli nya... kan ke saya masih buat tanggungjawab saya dalam rumah ni (basuh kain, buang sampah dan kemas bilik saya sendiri)

Hosmet saya cakap...you dah tak beli prezenggg pun kat I. You beli untuk orang tu aje. I cakap, ye lah..besday dia, mestilah saya beli prezenggg. Birthday you pun that day kan saya dah bawak gi tempat makan yang posh tu. lagipun, kalau you nak hadiah yang best-best, you kan boleh mintak kat orang putih tu. Dia cakap..orang putih tu kedekut. Saya cakap...you ni perangai buruk la. Orang putih tu selalu kasik you pocket money...sekarang you cakap dia kedekut pulak. Pastu saya menambah lagi...siapa yang naik bus dan siapa yang pakai keta BMW dalam rumah ni? Kenapa saya jadik tukang beli prezeng? So, prezeng saya siapa nak beli? Dah le saya punya besday prezeng camera DSLR tu saya beli sendiri......

Hosmet saya itu menarik muka. Saya cakap..suka hati you lah. Dia pun menambah, you sekarang nak buat I cam anak tiri aje. Kalau you lapar, I lah yang you cari mintak masak kan tu ini (wahhhh...mengungkit)

Saya pun pandang dia. Okay...you nak apa sebenarnya ni?

Iphone 4. Boleh takkkk?

Question: Adakah dia jeles...or just simply a spoilt Big Madam?

Entry Malu

Nah lah Kiah....nak hupdate sangat kannn? Jahat tau main ugut-ugut!

Semenjak 2,3 menjak ni, I dah jadik personal counsellor pulak kat sorang my fren ni. Kita ni sebenarnya takleh nak me mixed kan business with pleasure. But in her situation, since she is quite near self destruction, I cubalah nasihat mana-mana yang boleh nasihat. But mind you, bagi nasihat kat kawan, samalah dengan attempt to lalu depan rumah orang Cina yang ada anjing garang, however quiet you pussy-foot your step, the risk of anjing tu terbangun lalu meyalak dengan kuatnya..worst still, kita juga adalah vulnerable menjadi mangsa gigitan and cakaran anjing ittew.

The more I nasihat my fren ni, the obvious dialah yang bermasalah nya...but bila kepala dah serabut, it is so hard to make any sense nevermind, admitting the fact yang diri sendiri jugalah adalah satu punca masalah nya.

Tapikan you alls....sementelah I ni berangan bagus nak jadik relationship and life coach counsellor kat kawan I ni, maka tersedarlah oleh diri ini yang, I pun sama jugak teruknya.I often say, terimalah orang seadanya. Appreciate his/her weakness.

I have been quite jauh hati with MC since kejadian tunjuk perasaan yang lebih kepada aksi terencat akal dalam Skype sometime last month or so. Orang tu nak pergi out station and I could have picked a better time to pick up a bone dengan dia. Seperti biasa, one of MC's quality..ye Kiah...quality...is tak cakap banyak. Susah I nak agak apa yang dia pikir, dia rasa etc. The fact that dah la tak nampak depan mata, lagilah menyusahkan dan mengeruhkan suasana.

I like to keep the details of us very, very private sebelum Kiah muntah...and since dah ada ugutan nak hide kan status I dari FB nya (oiii..yang kau tu..kemain lagi dengan scandal mu, merajuk nampak comel la konon..ingat, hatiku yang mungil ni tak terusik kah???) but I think, I should really write this down and tell myself that I should really practise what I preached.

To have a relationship with someone who is not physically around is as bad as having constant suspicious mind dengan laki or boipren kita yang didepan mata yang ada criteria menjadi Bapak Ayam. Thing that I always tell myself is that, andai kata I ada relationship, I ni tidaklah akan menyusahkan kepala hotak I dengan menjeruk hati memikirkan yang my lover tu ada affair dengan lain-lain makhluk. My mother always say...kalau laki kita nak mencari pompuan lain, dihalang cemana pun, dia akan cari juga. Biarkan aje lah. Her words is ringing true. She has never (ni yang I tak nampak laa) worried about benda-benda camni although she has enough evident nak naik minyak and panggil reporter Melodi ke hapa. Sabarlah sahaja....isk, dia boleh la bersabar...I doubt I can top her on that. Kalau tak de tenaga I nak terajang, maka harus ku upah kaki pukul ke or penembak jarak jauh dekat, once you crossed me. Tu diah!!!

I realised that after all this time, MC is still the same person...yang tak cakap banyak dan banyak menggunakan kaedah telepathy dalam ber communicate dengan I. Ye lah..dulu nampak depan mata...sekarang, dah le time difference ada 7 to 8 hours...and I would have expected that all these years, we both have learned so much about the past, maka...bila kita dah reconnected, make extra effort lah kan? Harammmm takde makna. So I have become a hopeless moaner, sampai aku pun naik menyampah dengan diri aku sendiri. Everytime I moan..I started to feel like an old woman who never had enough. Dah tak nampak muka tu satu hal...ditambah pula dengan orang yang kita syiok gila tu bangsa mempunyai hati dan emosi sesejuk ikan Salmon di Tasik Scotland itu lagilah memecahkan kepala.

So we got a bit tense...MC wanted a space, counter attacking yang I ni terlampau banyak sangat mintak attention, and that is something that is hard to give at this moment. Sadis you all.....I thought that was it. I was so sad. I don't love many people but the one that I really love always broke my heart. So we stop talking for few days. In fact, after that we don't talk very much.Nak space sangat kan kau...

I realised that I was hoping too much and the two of us are such a different person put together.But again, opposite attracts, kan?? We talk when we have time and when dia rasa dia nak cakap dengan I. Okaylah...merungut benda yang sama pun tak guna, so I ikut aje style dia. Now and again, I moaned. Still...but a hopeless moan. For about a month, I was in the dark...about where I stand, and with who am I having a relationship with. I told MC, I feel like I am having this relationship alone. MC...masih diam and tak cakap apa-apa.

This is when I started to busy myself with kerja yang adalah sikit pekdah walaupun ada potensi nak cari gaduh dengan kawan I lagi sorang ni. Apparently katanya, laki dia pun macam tu juga, and she felt so alone in her marriage. I keep asking her to take control and suggest what could possibly be her partner's anxiety. Things with MC become okay lah sikit in meantime, bila aku kurang merengek mintak attention kan...

While I'm making progress with my fren ni...ternampak dah perubahan laki nya, sejak I suruh dia menukar approach communication nya, I become so unsure about me and MC. Dengan ini I mintak jasa baik MB1 yang nak balik KL masa awal puasa that day...I told MB1, I am a bad judge of character, so you pergilah keluar dengan MC. I dah cakap dengan diri I sendiri, kalau MB1 balik and advise me to forget about MC and move on, so I will. MC is like Shamsul all over. I can't do this anymore. Chenta pun chenta la...but I'm sure I will see through the period of crash and burn.

MB1 came back with information that I already knew. The choice is, if I want this, and this is it. MC will not change. MC is not the type of person who will change for anyone. I am hoping for something different. I am hoping for MC to be the one like what I always wanted. Really, if I still want this relationship, the choice is with me. So I decided to see how things goes. Kalau I tahan, tahan lah...since hati masih ada bunga-bunga chenta. I'm sure one day, if this is not right and I will see sense.

I was taken seriously ill 2 days ago.Dalam pada I was heavily sedated, MB1 told me that MC called. My reaction was dalam pisat-pisat tu...eh..sayang jugak dia kat I. After few hours, I texted MC. MC said, I want to talk to you. So we skype. This is after 3 weeks of not seeing each other.

So we talked about what happened to me. MC stumbled upon the information by chance and raked with worry yang I tak dapat dicontact since morning. Then I pun cakap la...mmg I nak bagi tau you, but maybe later la, you pun busy kan...lagipun, I don't think this matters, since you pun lately ni, cakap pun macam nak tak nak je dengan I sekarang....

The whole 2 hours I saw different side of MC. I did not say many words like I used too.

See, all this time...I dok cakap dengan orang...terimalah kekurangan partner kita. Some people are not blessed with criteria jiwang karat, some people have their own special way of showing how they feel. I ended up feeling really bad, guilty and malu pun ada...betapa selfish nya I pikir I sorang aje lahhh yang dok terseksa jiwa raga batin tak kena pedulik.

But the truth is, this is what I always wanted....orang yang tak menyekat hak asasi I..and orang yang sayang macam nak mampus kat I.

I said to MC because we are far, I think I am somehow dependant on words and promises. Yes..I live in wonderland. But being selfish that I am, I overlooked the fact yang ada orang tak dilatih meng express dirinya macam pop corn.

So, without prompting..MC said things (yang I am dying to hear) that are so sweet to my ears (and ego) things like...I think about you from the time I opened my eyes til I sleep. And I have to tell you that MC tu susahhhh la nak cakap menda2 camni, so ini bukan lah script drama swasta ye...

So yes Kiah, atas rasa malu yang bukan kepalang kepada diriku sendiri, maka status FB ku ittew ialah untuk orang ittew. I felt so bad that while I have accepted other people weakness and strength, I have neglected MC and hoping and demanding dia tu menjadi orang lain.

Feel free to hide me Kiah.

(But, it won't kill jugak kan Kiah, kalau dia tunjuk lah sikit kat kita ni yang kita ni ujud)

Musings

Maka minggu depan adalah Hari Raya dan saya akan menyambutnya dengan Diva Parits. Well, bermaknalah sikit kan...since it's too expensive nak balik raya kat Paroi Jaya this year. Kalau orang tanya, kenapalah raya pun nak berkira..it's a one off blah..blah..blah...well, kalau dah rega ticketnya seghopa rega 2 x ticket balik KL, baik balik KL 2 kali, ye tak? Lagipun..raya daah sah-sah nya akan kena cukai dek anak-anak buah and anak-anak buah bau kambing yang secara tetibanya pulak masa raya ni menjadi sedara rapat.


Semenjak bulan posa ni, badan I jadi letih sungguh. There's hardly any energy left after iftar and I terus rasa nak gugur aje atas katil and tup-tup terus bangun sahur at that nick of time, yang minum air and makan pisang je yang sempat nya. I don't know tah beberapa hari dah posa I yang terbatal but I was so determine to 'qualify' kan that puasa. Prior to Ramadhan, I had a blood test and as a result, I am now on specific medication until the symptom reda balik. I thought, since my cousin yang Dr tu and my amma yang ex Nurse ittew dah tegur, I gagahkan diri jugak pi sedekahkan 8 botol kecik darah I kat lab.


The side effectnya ialah bahan perlupusan I menjadi keras, so ditambahkan dengan puasa yang terkurang air, maka jadi simen la kannn. Ada 2,3 kali jugak I kena sodom belakang I dengan tropedo ittew. Ustazah Kiah kata puasa tak batal...I pun rasa camtu...tapi orang sekeliling I semua kata batal. I gagah jua tahan puasa until waktu berbuka. 2,3 hari ni rasa lain semacam..and adalah 2,3 kali jugak I kena sedut salbutamol tu. Orang kata puasa dah batal...but, I puasa gak sampai petang. Nasib lah.

Hari ni tadi, I decided to memotong kek gaya pesbuk dengan seorang kawan express I yang juga bini kepada adik I. I selalu ngumpat dia dalam hati..dan juga adalah sekali dua dalam blog ni. Padahal budak tu takde salah apa pun dengan I, its just that I kurengg gemor sikit dengan aksi-aksi penulisan terlampaunya yang I seringkali terpaksa membaca nya dalam pesbuk. Udah ku hide, namanya muncul jua...ye lah, dah berkawan dgn orang yang sama..camtu lah kan.

I ni, ada jugak unexplainable perangai huduh...and this is one of them. Orang nak baik dengan kita..kita pulak rasa cuak hati. Kenapalah I resent sangat orang-orang ni..Tuhan aje lah yang tahu. Adakah aku seorang yang 'snob' Kiah?

There's like a tinge of hypocrisy....I am always for equal opportunity. Ye lah, kerja dengan SoSIAL services, tu la motto etika kerja nya pun. People have equal rights. But one can't help to have personal preference kan?

In the past I have accepted many express mates...kawan orang ini..yang juga kawan I...ter absorb jadik kawan I. Some I got on very well. Kawan ni macam chemical jugak kan...ada yang boleh serasi..ada yang dah jumpa, menyesal pulak and sumpah tak nak jumpa lagi. But I'm sure everyone is nice. I kot yang ada problem....

Bini adik I tu, few days jugak la I was agonising over nak cakap dengan dia direct ka or meneruskan perbuatan terkutuk I yakni mengumpat hal dia dengan 2 lagi kakak ipar nya.While the other 2 kakak ipar ni bangsa tak kisah (cakap tak kisah..tapi kat I you pi cerita tahap kemeloya an kau dengan orang tu..buat apa?) I told the other 2 kakak ipar..that I want to tell her how I feel, but kakak ipar yang 2 orang ni kata..janganlah..nanti suaminya yang kecik ati. Tahan punya tahan...ye lah bila hati sudah nyampah...orang gelak hikhikhik pun kita rasa cam nak lempang kan. So aku remove lah si pompuan itu. Puas hati ku. But I still don't know why I have this instant dislike towards her.....

Ada yang sorang ni pulak.....baik..ikhlas nak berkawan nampak gaya nya....but my instinct kata...I'm better off without the friendship. Ada jugak ura-ura nak membabi disebalik kuehtiau, but I was feeling so uneasy about doing it, tuhan pun tahu agaknya langsung dibukakan I peluang tempat lain so tak payah la I nak menggunakan orang ini.

Tapi..adakah dia tak perasan yang I dah menyombong dengannya tahap gaban? Ohh...kenapalah perangai ku huduhh begini...

Sekian.