Demam and The Feelings

When you live alone...abroad or at home, the one thing you don't want (apart from many-many things you also don't want) is to get ill.

Seksa you......seksa.

Masa ni lah...tahap mengada-ngada (yang sedia ada ataupun yang tak ada) akan naik mencanak dengan tinggi nya.

2 days ago, I volunteered to mow the lawn at work. I have been hinting for the others to start doing it too, but jejantan kat opis I, alangkan suruh buat kerja-kerja DIY pun mengeluh macam tak dapat Puks (hamboiii..mulut I) and I have openly slagged them off by saying, the only tool you know how to use is your own! Nasib baik la I ni kira ada pangkat sikit kat situ, kalau tak, maunya aku kena bermacam disciplinary action against kata-kata ku yang kenkadang boleh tahan kasar nya ni. But I always get away with saying things like that..maybe sebab jantan-jantan tu idok la mega sensitive, too secure with their manhood that they're able to laugh everything off.

I must stop myself talking about men and their insecurities. How can I know? I love to write about someone I know who constantly in denial of who he is. While I would like to sympathise with his struggles, his constant retaliation of himself to the extent of I can muntah cirit birit & jadi bahan bergossip makan cekodotss lagi. But on the other hand, I should not lah. Biarlah dia. I have nothing against people like that but can't help to feel sorry, because it is so obvious yang dia tu tak happy. I am all for equal opportunities. We sometime like and fancies things we shouldn't and we can't help it. It makes us happy. If we want to see it as a flaw, then see it as a flaw. Human have flaws. Don't be too hard on people and yourselves. Don't deny your flaws too. Bila dah selalu and openly sangat..menyampah jugak tau...kan Desert Rose, kan? Sure pasni FB kau akan ter automatic delete aku!!!

I fast getting of a tangent when I write or talk. I am not well. Today, I found out that I ada penyakit yang orang putih aje yang senang dapat. 3 years ago, I kena lagi sakit yang orang putih aje senang dapat yakni..Vit D defieciency. Kurang cahaya matahari. Masalahnya, orang tak tau yang I ni idoklah taksub nampak matahari terus nak berbikini. Kalau boleh kat jalan gi mana-mana pun nak pakai payung.I really blame this on my sedara mara orang Pilah for pointing out how hitam I was (still am) when I was little. So, I loath the sun. Walaupun ada lagi orang lagi hitam dari I, I tetap lah takut nak berjemur lama-lama.

Dalam demam-demam, I finished my 5km charity run. A little help from me for all the cancer patient. A course I am passionate about (plus, Race For Life is the only event you can see muscle mens wearing and dancing in poms poms) After that, dalam pada tekak yang mengembang macam dah telan katak puru, I terus demam sampai nak berdiri pun tak boleh. The chenta sejati pun demam jua...so, no skype because both of us can't get up and can't even talk without batuk-batuk and our scene would like one day in TB ward.

Then I remember my mother...yang I dah lama tak tepon. For the life of me, I never remember my mother nursing me when I was ill. Maybe because I was hardly taken ill when I was little. Try having a nurse as a mother and all vitamins keluaran KK is not short of supply in our household. The little vitamin C was never appealing to me (plus busuk and cepat hancur dalam mulut serasa macam makan taik aje)

Without my mouth saying it, I always know that time like this, a girl need their mother. I can't explain why we are not that close, it is not like we have a problematic mother daughter relationship, and my mother if not too nice, too brilliant of a woman I can only imagine to emulate.

Yesterday when I was so not well, I wanted MC by myside.

Hari ni, saya nak mak saya. When I was young, when father was working away...I am sure that mother struggle to keep her sanity with us yang serupa anak setan. I remember that we openly critisise her for not getting us what we want and compared her to father. Ye lah..father kan always buy his way for affection. Why were we so materialistic as a child, tuhan aje lah yg tahu.

I envied my sisters close relationship to my mother. I miss the time when we were alone in the house without Spiderman and other budak-budak kecik yang suka menjerit dan menyepahkan rumah, she always make food I like to eat without asking me. Bangun tido, tau tau dah ada karipap and rendang ayam atas meja.

Now...I have to ask for the food I like to eat, if not source for one. When I demam, mother will make air barley quietly and get it ready for me to drink.

People keep saying that how important it is for us to make amends with parents when they still around. I can't think of anything ill that I have done to them. I just don't talk. I was not taught to be expressive..emotionally therefore, I am so shy.

I know this excuse is stupid, but I am that stupid you now know that cannot talk to her own mother. More of a reason that I should find ways to go home.