Cerita Cik Mat

Believe me, this was not my intended post for today.

There is this guy from school I know, and coincidentally, we are actually came from the same town. (Ish..ramai manalah sangat budak N9 kat sekolah kat Utara ittew kan???)

We grew up in a town where everybody knows everybody, if not everybody knows my parents. My mother was a district nurse, so she practically knew everyone!!! Advantage nya..if you jalan kaki bawak plestik bag, there will soon be a car slowing down offering to send you home..or when you get stranded anywhere with no money or food, trust that all this benefactors jelmaan will offer their help. I am so sure in return, they must have received some favour from my mother, like takyah beratur or tunggu lelama kat spital to get attention.Agaknya lah...

When he was in school, this guy..I will now call him Mat (sebab memang nama dia ada Mat pun) boleh lah tahan cute. Tinggi jugak...sportsmen (tapi idok la sport yang glamer cam DD tu...this guy just main baling lembing and all that sport yang selalu dapat pingat tapi to us, idok le hebat mana...)

I was delighted to be reunited back with him via FB (haiyaa..menatang ni lagi) and of course, menengok gambo nya sekarang...dia pun sudah menjadi ikan buntal, padahal masa sekolah, dia kurus like cicak kobeng aje gamaknya. I remembered him being the quiet one, MSU (Mat Surau United) and set-set jantan-jantan berwibawa yakni..idok le nak ngacau bebudak pompuan or membuat benda-benda keji saperti menghisap rokok didalam toilet, dikebun sayur or dibelakang kereta Ustaz yang pendek tapi suara ngalahkan loudspeaker ittew. He was so nerdy, he made stuff...as in mencipta pensil 2 in 1 (Read, pensil and kat hujung nya ada rubber) and so many experiment on his stencils like pembaris berkuasa turbo, geometri set berkuasa minyak pelincir ( I so have no idea what I am on about) pendek kata, he is such jack-the-lad who can create anything from his school stuff demi mengonfirmkan lagi tahap ke nerd' an nya. Dalam class, memang dia selalu menjadi bahan kutukan senyap-senyap geng-geng pompuan jahat yang memandang sepi kebolehannya itu...pun begitu, geng pompuan jahat ini, tidak malu pula nak meminjam alat tulis dari si Mat ini bila masing-masing ketandusan pencil 2b atau scientific calculator tu.

BAM!!!! After almost 20 tahun, we saw each other again in FB. He is now a Quantity Surveyor and live in Kiah's homestate. Married.

However, I noticed something amiss. He is now very over-friendly. He chatted to all the girls from school on their FB wall. I dok pikir, okaylah..sekali bah, sekali pantai berubah...and after all these years, maybe he has developed more social skills. I certainly hope he has since re-style his appearance, bayangkan la..tahun 1988-90, jaman budak-budak pakai seluar if not baggy, seluar Amy Search...he is wearing seluar kembang kat bawah jaman 70'an tu. Ni misti takda pilihan lain lah tu kan, kalau tak dipaksa dek makbapak! Ataupun, he is just oblivious to what was 'in' at that time.

Over-friendly ni satu hal...ada sekali dua, I nampak he chatted to other girls on their wall about how he used to try to chat them up masa kat sekolah. I'm sure those girls misti dok pecah kepala nak ingat balik, apa lah mamat ni mengarut but them girls are much to polite to say anything like..hah! ko ngorat aku? Bila masa? Or lagi sadiss..ish..aku tak rela di ngorat oleh seluar sapu sampah mu ittew!!!

The truth is, you're likely to see him talking to his geometri sets than wooing girls.Couple of days ago...(Kiah dah nampak ni) he re posted his pic jaman dia sekolah dulu. Jantan, biasalahlah..kalau tunjuk gambar masa dia slim, dia rasa dialah kununnya idaman Malaya kan? Some girls commented just being polite but dia nya siap cakap lagi..jgn tenung lama-lama, nanti kau tergoda or something like that (padahal masa sekolah, tu la yang kita dok tengok, and tak de pulak rasanya nak demam angau)

I think he commented on my status updates ka photo..so he got us into reminiscing jaman sekolah, dikala aku dan geng pompuan-pompuan durjana suka duduk kat tembok menghadap toilet budak lelaki tu. This guy, kalau gi toilet nak mandi mmg suka berkemban dengan kain pelikat nya, so mana tak nya..kena jerit kan? Lagi jantan-jantan tu malu, lagi lah situkang sorak ni syok menyorak, kan?

Tup-tup...terus dia kluar cerita yang dia dulu jual mahal kat I....katanya because I am tall, he rasa malu nak dekat. But yang aku tahu, he is much as the same height as me...plus, bila lak masa aku ada nak 'membeli' from him?

So me and another schoolfriend of mine got into talking about him and we discussed his 'sudden' fictitious revelation kononnnya dialah Mat Romeo kat sekolah.

Apa ke hal nya? Dulu, dengan kambing makan rumput tepi jalan nak cakap hello Miss pun malu..ni kan pula nak ngorat budak-budak pompuan yang lain..kan?

My friend cakap dgn I, eh Makji, you kan ala-ala psychologist gitu, so, what do you make of this?

I cakap..entah lah...he does this openly...so there's a possibility that this is a show for some people, maybe his wife. Maybe he is such a nerd tapi nak tayang kat wife dia yang dia ni before is before the jejaka idaman Malaya, so he does this openly hoping that wife can see.

My friend tanya..aiks, orang camni pun ada ke?

I said, ada. After living life for a while, feeling that there's nothing interesting they can show off, people can re-create another personality of them they want to feel proud about.

My friend tanya lagi..but dia dah kawin beranak pinak, perfect apa?

Well, didn't you know woman is part of men's showing off. They are more proud about how many gilfriends they have in their lifetime than any other materials.

Because this Mat guy is a nice guy and our parents know each other, I decided not to layan his fictitious fantasies nor do I want to embarass him openly. I think he knows the truth. I just wish that he is proud of his once upon a time nerdiness, because that was what made him distinctive to us and that is how we like to remember him.

Demam and The Feelings

When you live alone...abroad or at home, the one thing you don't want (apart from many-many things you also don't want) is to get ill.

Seksa you......seksa.

Masa ni lah...tahap mengada-ngada (yang sedia ada ataupun yang tak ada) akan naik mencanak dengan tinggi nya.

2 days ago, I volunteered to mow the lawn at work. I have been hinting for the others to start doing it too, but jejantan kat opis I, alangkan suruh buat kerja-kerja DIY pun mengeluh macam tak dapat Puks (hamboiii..mulut I) and I have openly slagged them off by saying, the only tool you know how to use is your own! Nasib baik la I ni kira ada pangkat sikit kat situ, kalau tak, maunya aku kena bermacam disciplinary action against kata-kata ku yang kenkadang boleh tahan kasar nya ni. But I always get away with saying things like that..maybe sebab jantan-jantan tu idok la mega sensitive, too secure with their manhood that they're able to laugh everything off.

I must stop myself talking about men and their insecurities. How can I know? I love to write about someone I know who constantly in denial of who he is. While I would like to sympathise with his struggles, his constant retaliation of himself to the extent of I can muntah cirit birit & jadi bahan bergossip makan cekodotss lagi. But on the other hand, I should not lah. Biarlah dia. I have nothing against people like that but can't help to feel sorry, because it is so obvious yang dia tu tak happy. I am all for equal opportunities. We sometime like and fancies things we shouldn't and we can't help it. It makes us happy. If we want to see it as a flaw, then see it as a flaw. Human have flaws. Don't be too hard on people and yourselves. Don't deny your flaws too. Bila dah selalu and openly sangat..menyampah jugak tau...kan Desert Rose, kan? Sure pasni FB kau akan ter automatic delete aku!!!

I fast getting of a tangent when I write or talk. I am not well. Today, I found out that I ada penyakit yang orang putih aje yang senang dapat. 3 years ago, I kena lagi sakit yang orang putih aje senang dapat yakni..Vit D defieciency. Kurang cahaya matahari. Masalahnya, orang tak tau yang I ni idoklah taksub nampak matahari terus nak berbikini. Kalau boleh kat jalan gi mana-mana pun nak pakai payung.I really blame this on my sedara mara orang Pilah for pointing out how hitam I was (still am) when I was little. So, I loath the sun. Walaupun ada lagi orang lagi hitam dari I, I tetap lah takut nak berjemur lama-lama.

Dalam demam-demam, I finished my 5km charity run. A little help from me for all the cancer patient. A course I am passionate about (plus, Race For Life is the only event you can see muscle mens wearing and dancing in poms poms) After that, dalam pada tekak yang mengembang macam dah telan katak puru, I terus demam sampai nak berdiri pun tak boleh. The chenta sejati pun demam jua...so, no skype because both of us can't get up and can't even talk without batuk-batuk and our scene would like one day in TB ward.

Then I remember my mother...yang I dah lama tak tepon. For the life of me, I never remember my mother nursing me when I was ill. Maybe because I was hardly taken ill when I was little. Try having a nurse as a mother and all vitamins keluaran KK is not short of supply in our household. The little vitamin C was never appealing to me (plus busuk and cepat hancur dalam mulut serasa macam makan taik aje)

Without my mouth saying it, I always know that time like this, a girl need their mother. I can't explain why we are not that close, it is not like we have a problematic mother daughter relationship, and my mother if not too nice, too brilliant of a woman I can only imagine to emulate.

Yesterday when I was so not well, I wanted MC by myside.

Hari ni, saya nak mak saya. When I was young, when father was working away...I am sure that mother struggle to keep her sanity with us yang serupa anak setan. I remember that we openly critisise her for not getting us what we want and compared her to father. Ye lah..father kan always buy his way for affection. Why were we so materialistic as a child, tuhan aje lah yg tahu.

I envied my sisters close relationship to my mother. I miss the time when we were alone in the house without Spiderman and other budak-budak kecik yang suka menjerit dan menyepahkan rumah, she always make food I like to eat without asking me. Bangun tido, tau tau dah ada karipap and rendang ayam atas meja.

Now...I have to ask for the food I like to eat, if not source for one. When I demam, mother will make air barley quietly and get it ready for me to drink.

People keep saying that how important it is for us to make amends with parents when they still around. I can't think of anything ill that I have done to them. I just don't talk. I was not taught to be expressive..emotionally therefore, I am so shy.

I know this excuse is stupid, but I am that stupid you now know that cannot talk to her own mother. More of a reason that I should find ways to go home.

13 Hours, Shortest 2 Weeks & Three Impossible Months

16 years and 6 months ago...I met MC. I was already with the one yang dah mati. But something did happened. When I finished doing things that I was supposed to do and kembali single (the one yag dah mati pi kawin pulak dengan orang lain) I met MC again. And something did happened.

My heart was broken by quite few people til today. While I was mourning over the loss of the one yang dah mati for leaving me, I was too deeply hurt by MC because we were such a good friends.

We took 3 days and 3 hours to re question our feelings for each other and I had to leave. We spent 4 months getting to know each other again via Skype. We made this plan that I'll come and visit. Skyping, yahoo messaging is really not the best way to know people. You have to know who you getting yourselves involved to in flesh.

We spent 2 weeks together. I am happy. But after 2 weeks, I had to leave. Again. I am looking at best possible ways to be close to MC. Practically, I can't.

Life is about being happy and stay happy for me at the moment. Unfortunately, there's no traditional way for me and MC to get overly committed to each other. We best pledging love to one another without greater commitment.

Long distance relationship, without knowing how this could end for both of us is not easy. When I was a student, at least I knew before that we have numbered days of separation. None of us can leave what we do now. Gone were the days that a young love would do anything for love. Now is, chenta, chenta jugak...but I have mortgage to pay.

Goverment in Malaysia has less compassion for the learning and mentally disable, so that restrict jobs opportunity for me. MC has way bigger responsibility, so asking to relocate would be too much (plus, orang tu sayang mak dia...bukannya anak derhaka cam I ni you all)

Now, there's one additional thing that I love about Summer in England. The daylight saving time...meaning its 7 instead of 8 hours time difference. But my work always made it impossible so we agree on weekends date via Skype, where both of will sit by our pc, talking to each other, watch TV together, MC winding me up about the nasi lemak pyramid yang dia beli bawah pokok and the roti canai banjir dia dok makan kat kedai mamak pepagi.

Humans always yearns for more. Skype is no longer enough. I made a drastic financial commitment by volunteering to visit every 3 months, using all my 33 days leave up quarterly. MC would come when time permit but, it would be cheaper if I make the trip than the other way around. (tapi..kata nak datang..dok tak jaadikk aje, pehal?)

There will be times when I needed MC badly. There's time when we skyped, where I can't talk but cried instead. But this is what I choose.

My world is empty after 5pm. I often look outside my window, hoping that instead of living in greeney SW15, I am at PJU7 instead.

In often say, that it is good to have each other space. I tak kacau you..you pun tak kacau I. It always work with me. Bila dah depan muka kang rasa nak menelan aje lah kan pulak?

But I had the wonderful 2 weeks. Waking up next to the one you love...muka pisat-pisat tu la yang suka nak ditengok pagi-pagi. Getting up knowing that the person you love who loves you back as much is there.

The two weeks ended quicker than we thought. We were sad. Very sad that I cried a week before, 6,5,4,3,2 & a day before my return flight. We forgotten about all the stupid argument via skype we can't even remember why we had it.

We asked ourselves, do we want to do this? Can we cope not seeing each other everyday? Can we cope only to meet every 3 months? Can I cope spending all that money, depriving myself from concert Bon Jovi la..Arsenal Games etc?

We said we can......but I am struggling. Struggling to understand why, we want to do this.Love aside lah...the agony of being apart (kan Sally?)

The August meeting is looking bleak, with ticket being so expensive and puasa/dekat nak raya. One ticket in August can pay for 2 trips, so...we would rather see each other twice.

Time like this....when I am really alone (after 5pm) it is good to have someone, if not talk to..to look at. Knowing that the person is there...ease many, many pain.

Sabarrrrr aje lah kan?

(Sila lah muntah ye....)

Things That You Can Blog About.......

After melihat response syarahan perdana Kiah...blogging with some reference must come with a (mental) health warning.

I should have known better. I work with people day in day out. Littlest thing can be a trigger that lead to soft, mild, moderate and severe aggression. However much people like to boast about their so-called open mindedness, they can't help to get over/hyper sensitive, especially about things they're passionate about.

Ada orang, get too emotional and defensive. And yang paling tak larat nya...tak mengaku lak tu. Standard lah. Kalau tak emotional and defensive, when confronted with such onslaught of unnecessary dispensation of unwanted opinion, sepatutnya kita diam aje lah kan.

People are so entitled to their own manifestation of things. Some are blatantly stupid, but still...that's how they see things. They might be wrong..and maybe, dalam bangang-bangang nya nya opinion diorang tu, ada jugak yang betul nya.

I was once told of...konon nya....the reader despises my so-called generalisation of Indians. Itu my observations la, deyy. Indians I met in KL, Seremban..mahupun yang kat Hounslow ni. Lupalah nak baca yang part 'I met' tu. Those I met was the show off type. Nak nak kalau ada audience, rasmi or tak rasmi. Atas flight dedolu, 99 out of 100 will talk to us flight attendant macam kitorang ni private butler they all. But they travelled Economoney class. Kalau 13 hours flight, you will get 13 times 'excuse me' from them..mintak tu ini and chase after you every 5 minutes, reminding their pending order tu. Ish.

I really don't like to generalise. I think I generalised gender rather than race. But the show off one is usually the nervy one. Your nerves gets the better of you and inadvertantly, you dispense all this behaviour.

Reading Kiah's post, I never realised that there's some sort of 'competition' and ' perang dingin' between Singapura & Malaysia. I ni dok ingat budak MH aje yang kata budak SQ kekwat. Tapi nak wat camne budak MH, budak SQ memang terserlah kebagusan dan kejelitan nya, termasuklah keseswai'an kami-kami memakai kebaya ketat. So, Kiah, since hang sungguh tak kesiyor dengan accent S'porean tu yang kita kat Msia ni rasa ada unsur-unsur berlagak, kita hanya patut jadikan ia bahan gossip sambil makan cekodotss kat Seksyen 13 ye? Jangan tulis kat blog. I wonder if Singaporean chinese and Johorean chinese have strong opinion about one another. Entah lah.

Another thing yang I dah selalu sangat perasan ni, kalau kita mahukan dunia (blog atau FB) kita ini aman, sila jangan menulis atau membuat reference yang tak sedap didengar tentang para cendekiawan dan cendawan yang tengah buat PHD. But if you must, dalam kutuk sedikit, sila puji college and Uni tempat diorang menimba ilmu itu. Bagi jack la sikit. Students have this thing about the place they study. To me..sama je la. Sekolah tu la yg bagus, kok ya pun bagus. Bukannnya hang. Budak TKC...ingat ye. TKC tu aje yang glam...bukan hang!

I once gave opinion about student oversea jaman I and Kiah and student oversea jaman sekarang. Opinion yang mencetuskan rasa tak puas hati (ke kau jelesss?) Zaman I memuda dulu, we were quite lucky that tempat-tempat cam PPP tu ujud, untuk mengeksport kanak-kanak liar macam I and sesapa lagi yang terlepas dari jadi mangsa ragging ITM and other local U's ke AUS, UK, Jepang, NZ, USA etc..etc. Umur muda belia, dah kena pi oversea. Ada yang balik kelabu asap...ada yang balik, jadi macam Kiah. Ada yang balik...tak sedar diri and mengelintin nak balik oversea balik cam I. Masa tu I rasa, sebab garam pun belum dimakan dalam kuantiti yang banyak, rendah diri dengan omputih dan takut-takut tu tetap ada. The mission at that time is to be like the orangputihs in terms of education la...tgk budak-budak macam pandai sungguh. Sanggup ni nak join study group sana-sini.Nak bukak mulut tengah-tengah pekan pun malu. Bila lecturer ke, kawan tegur, terus bertaubat nak belajar cam nak rak. Majority of Malaysians student I know was like that. We were only young....and far from our family...and meskin lak tu. So, jangan nak mimpi lah gi shopping trip kat Bicester Village ke hapa-hapa tempat lain. But nowadays, student-student Malaysia yang I rasa la...(rasa tau?) ...baru sampai sini tak sampai 3 bulan, terus dah komplen hitu-hini. System pendidikan tak baguih la...system tu ni tak kena la. Well, bukan ke hang tu yg mai sini nak menimba ilmu, so, ikut aje lah kan, system yang dah berzaman established tu. Buat apa pi kompang dalam tube? Of course la, depa dah makan garam banyak sampai menyimpan air yang banyak juga. Ada jugak I jumpa a few, kat Spital. Ye lah..tahu lah you pandai, dah ada BA and MA. Belajar aje lah dengan staff-staff yang dah veteran tu.

Another risk, not worth blogging, although your heart is in the right place is your opinion about religion yang mega datuk la sensitip nya. Kalau nak kena hentak dengan tonne of bricks, silalah keluarkan hujah or opinion yang ala-ala liberal tu. I ni bukan la nak kata apa ye...obviously kalau lah yang ada pendapat yang semi-terpesong tu, terdapat unsur-unsur kurang pengetahuan. Kalau dah perasan orang tu kurang pengetahuan, bukan ke bagus kita yang ada sikit pengetahuan ni, mengajar dengan cara yang baik-baik? Ni tak...kutuk la, maki la...hapa la punya pendekatan tu?

Suffice say, unless the post is directed at you, I am sure..the writer have nothing personal againts you but only his/her dispensation of account of her daily observation. Read at your own risk la. Jangan lah nak aggresive tak tentu hala. Buat modal orang kutuk aje.

Update Hari Ini

Can I be stand corrected? You all yang puji-puja I dek keberanian I menyumpah seranah DD tanpa belas kasihan...tahukah you all, semua itu dilakukan dengan intonasi suara yang tak tinggi langsung??? I ni, tidak lah berani mana you all.....Kiah reckoned that I am too English. Tah part mana yang dia rasa aku ni macam omputih, tataw la. Kulit dah le sawa terlebih matang...nak kata ada Brits accent..setakat dah dok more than 10 years, tak kan adalah nak ngikut nya pun..lainlah kalau aku ni dah dok kat sini from sekolah tadika kan? Having said this, ada jugak yang baru dok UK tak sampai setahun, terus nak cakap konon nak bunyi macam Rupert Everett..tapi English pun cam Samy Vellu Parri aje. It is not the way you speak...ye adik-adik, it how you say it. Nak tau dengan lebih dalam, sila tanya Kiah. Kiah kan graduate from West Country yang accent sah-sah nya posh tu. I ni, South Yorkshire aje...apa kelas nya?


I think, as we get older, we tend to be intolerable to things yang menyesakkan kepala hotak. Or is it, as we get older the propensity nak mengamuk tak tentu hala tu semakin berkurang, Kiah? So maybe in this case, I am the other way around lah. I have put up with so many things so untrue that people said about me. Kalau opinion tu tak apa...ye lah, opinion kan free? Kalau orang kata Makji Esah ni sekian-sekian, it is her/his opinion kan? Biarlah...opinion is based on observations...lain orang, lain cara observant nya. People always think that they know you better than you know yourself. That is kind of true...ye lah, kalau kita ni kaki kapur, manalah kita tahu kan? Kalau kita tahu, tak kan kerja kita mengapur orang aje, kan Aking, kan?

Some people are so proud with their ability to tell off people...ni bukan tell off sebarang tell off ni tau, but tell of yang tak kena gaya and tempat, yakni kaki mengamuks pastu boleh announce dengan bangga nya pulak tu betapa dia tu terrer la. Pi hamun waiter waitress sebab lambat kemas meja ke...or kononnya terasa orang carik gaduh dengan dia. By giving these examples, I am aware that adalah yang akan terasa...but, kalau you dah buat perangai ghope itu, then beringatlah ni semua telling off tak perlu.

Am I pleased with myself kununnya aku dah sound si DD sampai nak kempis badannya (ohh..mimpilah kau) ? I think kita ni, kalau lah ada benda yang kita rasa tak kena, kita kenalah luahkan apa yang kita rasa. Lagi you simpan..lagi hati tu makin marah dek ketidakpuasan hatinya..and bila dah marah, benda yang salah pun jadi betul...

People often responded...I don't like the way you speak to me. I pun ada jugak kena camni but then I tanya balik...you don't like my choice of words, or it is my tone of voice or it is you just want to hear what you want to hear? Certain things need to be said...selalunya untuk mempertahankan perkahwanan. So, if ada kawan pi tegur you, walaupun ayatnya takle semerdu or semanis Samy Velly mengajak rakyat membayar toll, dengar and ambik lah cara baik. Truth hurts..but, knowing that what is unpleasant and despicable can be altered, telling off (in a good way) is really a good self-investment.

I have building up rasa marah dengan DD dah lama...and I think the way we reacted can contributed to the way others reacted to us. I pernah lah involved dalam pertengkaran via alam siber yang sengit. Si tukang mencabar kemarahan ni, bila dah tahu orang dah marah dgn you tu, buat-buatlah back off kan? Tak, ni dia sambung-sambung...alkisahnya, sipencabar rasa marah ni suka benar guna godly terms dalam kata-kata dia...without realising yang dia tu adalah kaki mengadudomba jua. So, kita yang dengar ni, cakap la..dah la., don't behave holier than thou...udah le nak guna Allah tu Allah ni..alih-alih dia punya respond, eh kalau dah nama Tuhan pun taknak dengar taktahulah nak cakap apa, of course this response was taken out completely out of context, but I think si pencabar marah tu pun tahu benda ni tak betul, but saja lah kan nak naik kan darah orang???

In my defence, although aku ni idok la bangga menggunakan kata-kata pak-pak tu, ada orang memang nak tunggu gunung berapi meletop baru nak paham. So I dah meletop...padan dengan mukanya. I may have lost a friend, but that was not my intention. Ada jugak org-org yang I dah tegur tup-tup ghaib. Kita pun tak la cakap kita ni betul...but, kesimpulannya, kalau you nak jadi bodoh, itu choice you la kan.

I ada gak dengar sora-sora sumbang DD tu pi khabor kan my other frens yang I ni dah westernised sangat, so cakap pun takde budi bahasa. I supposed, he also overlooked his manners to us. Biasalah..gajah (dia la tu) depan mata manalah nampak kan???

Sekian

Assignment : No Rujukan DD...Lagi...

Scene : Dalam sebuah rumah yang menghadap Richmond Park (idok la grand view pun...tapi boleh le nampak taman hijau nya tu)

Pelakon : Makji Esah
Pelakon tambahan : Samsung H1 (yang bakal dihumban dalam tong tak lama lagi) & Suara sumbang orang dalam telepon

Trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (ringin tone la konon nya ni)
Suara penerima panggilan : HELLO STRANGER....(dengan mega confident nya)

Makji Esah : It's me...am I a stranger? I thought your mom said don't take calls from strangers

Suara penerima panggilan : Ohh you're joker. Mana you hilang...I miss you, you know..

(Script dalam hati Makji Esah...apasal sora kau macam takde apa-apa aje? Ni pehal lak tetiba miss I pulak kan? Macam la aku selalu tepon dia)

Makji Esah : Really? So you should, because I have been talking about you (I tried to sound friendly, but I think, my tone is more like over-sarcastic)

Suara penerima panggilan : Ohhh...I have been busy with school. Brok brek PHD...brok brek PHD...brokkk brekkkk......(for at least 7 minutes la aku mendengar predicament PHDnya)

(Script dalam hati Makji Esah....kau rasa aku minat ke nak tahu hal kau?????)

Makji Esah : (Buat2 polite) Sorry to hear that..I heard doing that is not easy...well, I suppose you all should know what you getting yourselves into....

Suara penerima panggilan : Brok brekkk lagi pasal PHD yang I tak hingat apa butir nya...

Makji Esah : I call to ask you about something actually..do you have 10 minutes? I know that you're busy...

Suara penerima panggilan : Ohh I always have time for you my dear...you want to talk about it over coffee?

Makji Esah : No..not really..that's why I'm calling you know. I'm too busy lah nowadays..takde time nak have leisure coffee pun (ciss...why lah I made this conversation)

Suara penerima panggilan : Oh poor you...you sounded like you needed a hug

Makji Esah : Well, I think I can manage that D.I.Y.

Suara penerima panggilan : Gelakkkk..macam lah aku buat kelakauuuuuu sangat

Makji Esah : I spoke to Zila couple of days ago. What is with you calling me a cockteaser?

Suara penerima panggilan : What?

Makji Esah : Well you heard. Cockteaser. Apparently, we were going out..and I'm leading you on. When was this? You know, I tau lah I not that time super organised, but I think a woman usually aware if they are seeing someone exclusively....

Suara penerima panggilan : I think she got it all wrong...

Makji Esah : So, why don't you tell me what is right then?

Suara penerima panggilan : Alaa..small matter la...she must have misunderstand me...well, I'll speak to her. Not to worry.

Makji Esah : That is not what I ask...I ask you to tell me what is right. If Zila got it wrong, what is it that she got it wrong. If you talked about me, don't you think its right to at least let me know what it is?

Suara penerima panggilan : I don't do gossip..I don't talk about you or other people for that matter

Makji Esah : Can you just answer what I asked...you said Zila got it wrong. Fine she got it wrong. Apa benda nya yang dia salah dengar?

Suara penerima panggilan : Makji Esah, I tak nak gaduh dengan you...

Makji Esah : You know, it is very wearing talking round and round the bush. Since you tak nak bagi tahu, let me tell you what I think happened.

Suara penerima panggilan : Do you think this is all necessary?

Makji Esah : For me, yes. Zila's my friend..and you know, she is far too intelligent to 'got it wrong' I think the one that got it wrong is you. If you think by agreeing to go out with you, listening to your never ending sob stories..pacifying you when you're upset and all that things that friends should do to another friends in need is the act of leading you on...then you got it really wrong.

Suara penerima panggilan : But I like going out with you.....I think we're connected. If I got all that wrong, then I'm sorry. But you should have said no

Makji Esah : No? No to what?

Suara penerima panggilan: Well, if you're not interested, then you should have told me from the beginning

Makji Esah : Where have all this come from? What made you think that I'm interested? Because I agree to go out for a coffee with you, when you basically 'ambushed' me at work?

Suara penerima panggilan : Well, my bad then. It's okay. Plenty of fish in the sea

Makji Esah : True. It's plenty..go on looking for the one that will reciprocate. And if they don't, don't call them a cockteaser.

Suara penerima panggilan : I don't mean it in a bad way

Makji Esah : Whatever lah...don't twist thing that can't be twisted. You called me that because in your head, I was leading you on. You came to me remember? And you got fat cheek to say that Zila got it wrong? (penggunaan perkataan FAT adalah tidak sengaja tau..Kiah)

Suara penerima panggilan : So you're angry...okay. I'm sorry. Can we start again?

Makji Esah : No. I don't intend to tease your cock anymore. I'm very annoyed. The fact that you nak salahkan Zila, made me even annoyed. You can F*** off for all I care.

Suara penerima panggilan : Ohh language... (tetiba lak nak jadik morale police kann?)

Makji Esah : Well..I think that is justified. You called me a cockteaser..and I now want you to F*** off. I got nothing more to say. I'm hanging up now...do you have thing to say?

Debab Durjana letak teleponnnnn you allll!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Tapi aku pueh hati Kiah....aku telah menggunakan bahasa perancis ittew kat dia.

Sekian.

Pop Kuiz : You all rasa, apakah yang telah terjadi pada dia after the phone call? Adakah dia akan terjun bukit? Borong semua ceklat kat ASDA and makan sepuasnya or mengambil dadah class A?

Assignment - No Rujukan : DD

Kiah have been breathing down my neck. With me being a a FB regular, I can't escape her perintah yang dititahkan dalam wall I. I don't know why Kiah feel that it is okay for her tak hupdate and aku tak bising, but I cannot go on having blogmalas moment without her doing smearing campaign kat sini and kat dalam FB, sampai orang lain pun boleh nampak.

In DD's case....if its not because of Kiah's (and kau jugak Mak Buyung SS19) penchant for cheap gossips, I couldn't be bothered to entertain him, or his ongoing issues yang dibuatnya sendiri dan terpalit pulak kat I.

After Zila BNS revelation, I dok pikir..should I tepon dia ke nak tanya, apa ke hal nya? Ye lah...things like this, yang kira-kira nya boleh lah menjejaskan reputasi (tahik kucing la kan..buat statement camni, macam la aku pemes pun) kenalah dicari sebabnya. I don't have the pleasure to kompang/gossip/caruts dalam YM, and my avenue untuk melampiaskan rasa marah pun is through blog aje itu pun...I dok pikir (or is it me..over analysing again??? like always) what if dia saja je cakap that thing to Zila, knowing perkara tu akan sampai kat I jugak...and I will then go seeking for him, like what he always wanted. If I call..then that gives out message that I care..when actually I don't.

But why on earth, he think that I lead him on? Ada ke aku gegosok tangannya? Susah la jantan ni...I sort of know what sort of risk(s) I am about to face with him...or when you encounter any other vulnerable men for that matter. Thing is...just bcos life is so shit for them, a passerby like us yang konon nya nak menolong ni can be a scapegoat, tak pun victim.

I ni, idok le nak nolong dia..masa dia nak bercerai berai dengan bini nya that day...but kalau time jumpa, dah itu aje tajuk intisari rancangan nya, it is not like I have a choice kan? If you don't lend your ears...kau dikatanya sombong la..tak care la...hapa punya kawan...etc,etc. But, DD pun rasanya mcm tak tau malu aje...we only just met. Okay la...he was once the really hensem guy from school...ala-ala Azura & Zek la berchenta time sekolah. He went to PPP Sec 6, while the gf pergi US punya preparatory college kat Section 18 ke hapa. From friends la jugak I found out that his GF married another guy and dumped him. That must have dented his confidence ke hapa-hapa issue kelelakian nya. It has hit him bad apparently that dia tak kawin-kawin...throw himself at work and study and menjadi Debab perkapasita. See..ingat kan kita pompuan aje boleh merana sebab chenta, jantan hensem pun boleh jugak kan? Who would have thought chenta monyet/cikah/baboon gitu akan memalapkan masa depan? I don't really know much about what had happened and I never asked. Bila jumpa balik, tau tau dah tinggalkan bininya dengan tak banyak notice and penjelasan.

I think I ada jugak cakap...ye lah, the decision we made in life tak le semuanya bagus. Walaupun dia dok kutuk how incompatible bininya dengan dia (he is talking education wise ni) dia jugak yang pinang pompuan tu. Mengaku aje lah kau tu tak pikir panjang...and by the time he had realised that he is so trapped in his own marriage, maka...face up lah...cakaplah dengan pompuan tu baik-baik kan? Women nowadays should expect anything from the husband. If laki kita takde terminal illness, he can come home..tuptup..abang nak kawin lagi...dan gf abang taknak bermadu, so..abang nak ceraikan you la. Cam gitu pun ada. Tak pun...kalau bini yang bangsa selalu outstation, sesekali balik rumah mengejut akan disajikan dengan adegan blue lakinya dengan bibik la (ni bukan lah bibik ala-ala Madura, ni bibik set Nia Zulkarnain la ye..)

I think (of so many wise words I've said to him) I ada gak cakap kat dia, if you're honest about how you feel, I'm sure...your wife will understand, dalam hati yang pedih pun..that the marriage is doomed and kalau dah laki pun dah tak nak kat kita, what more can we hope from a marriage kan?

But of course DD bangsa tak nak dengar cakap orang (or ayam) and nak nak nasihat yang datang nya dari I yang maybe pada dia la..takde pengalaman.

With DD and his episodes of..kejap okay, kejap tak okay...really made me uncomfortable. I told him off so many time...but he must have forgotten or conveniently forgotten about it somehow and often, we met macam takde apa-apa yang terjadi. But the burden of having him as a friend must have been too much for me to handle that I decide to okay la...malas la plus, aku pulak yang lupa buat janji dengan dia and I berambus balik Msia sebulan...and meninggalkan nya tercongok-congok kan?

So..mana tak nya dia marah dengan I???????

So, I was agonising whether I should call him or not....and I did.

And you Kiah..have to wait.

Update

Ish...the pickle situation people like to get themselves into kan??? I am talking about me la...udah-udah la nak cakap pasal orang (buat masa ni) because kenkadang kita perlu jugak muhasabah serawak diri..sebelum orang lain yang memuhasabahkan untuk kita...ye lah, the advantage of blog ni, kalau kita tak cakap pasal kita, kalau kita tak sembur diri kita...kita guna boleh gunakannya untuk sembur orang lain kan??? Pastu dah penat menyembur naik hangin..bila orang ugut nak saman atas ketidakbenaran fakta, tahu pulak takuttt kan? Ate..I ni idoklah nak menyindir sesiapa...but kenkadang mulut yang nak menyembur pun berpada-pada lah...lainlah kita ni LLB macam Desert Rose tu...

So I have now decided to meruntuhkan Registrar Office (so Kiah, aku tokleh lah nak kata meruntuhkan mesjid, sebab..registernya dulu pun kat Registration Office) but sebab process runtuh-meruntuh ini adalah agak lama...tu belum termasuk kena jugak mendapat persetujuan untuk sama-sama meruntuhkan bangunan. In my case, orang tu taknak meruntuhkan Registrar Office, chenta katanya (harkkk tuihhh!!!) dan katanya, kalau I sampai hati sangat nak jadi demolisher, so I pi lah buat sensorang. Tak ke dia tahu...(ni sebab dia tahu lah ni) if you decided to demolish the building alone, you had to wait at least 5 years uncontested, before the majlis peruntuh bangunan meluluskan usul peruntuhan tu. Matilaaa ko tak paham Nenek Penne....

I am not in a hurry to membina bangunan yang baru officially. Although rasanya sekarang adalah happy sikit dari dulu (mana ada masa ber chenta tak happy, kan?)

I saw a suggestion to flog my wedding band at ebay ke hapa..just in case I do not want to have it abandoned in my jewellery box. If you must know, masa si dahmati tu proposed kat I and gave me a ring, idok la mahal mana pun, but love and feelings and gestures matters masa tu...I masih simpan lagi cincin tu sampai ke hari ni. Ada jugak buat adegan buang luar tingkap but I have always buang cincin tu kat tempat yang I senang jumpa (so bila hati sejuk, pi la kutip balik) But now, I think cincin tu dah hilang dengan sendiri nya...tak tahulah pulak if that thing has evaporated into air and fly to heaven joining the owner.

I hated him at one (two, three and four) point. The damage and the scar, and how I am only be able to love only one man is all down to him. All the time I wasted...air mata jangan cakaplah kan...penuh kot tasik Tangkuban Parahu tu.

I am not sure if we are able to hate people we once loved easily. I thought I hated MC...but when we meet, all the hidden feelings keluar dengan mencurah-curahnya.

Being with F was not a mistake. Even if it is, I chose to do it. I had to leave as things was too unbearable for me to put up with but love is still there. The capacity of the love, may have changed but it is still there.

And there's always the guilt. For me is to go ahead making commitment walaupun masa tu dah dapat rasa akan adanya perperangan. But, marriage and relationship is a gamble. We hope that love for each other will ease the forseeable difficulties. And hope is still a hope. People said that those who divorced, love themselves more. So you should.

I like to remember the one I once loved. There's always something about them that you're able to remember that brought smile to your face...walaupun mereka buat joke bangang. Memories are hard to erased. So I akan ingat, se lahabau-lahabau nya perangai F...yang selalu tak bagi I makan KFC dalam rumah nya, or cakap melayu bersosek-sosek gossip dgn kengkawan I dalam rumahnya...mengutuk I betapa bangangnya I sebab I puasa...dia jugalah yang pernah menerangi siang dan malam ku pada hari-hari yang nak menapas pun susah...picked me up when I was down...apa-apalah that a lover should do.

So that wedding band..will not going to go anywhere....and if dia mati (which is quite likely...sebab dia dok kata dia depressed sokmo je sekarang ni) maka cincin ini lah yang akan dimasukkan dalam peti dia tu dan dibakar sampai cair.

When you (think) you've known someone too well...it will be too hard to even hate them. Tapi, mengata, mengata jugak kan, Kiah.