I have been missing from the web sphere since last week.Missing as in no contact at all.Not true about messing about with Pak Haji (if so) and I have not been messing with myself either but, I am so humbled by the concern.Apart from work yang tak reti nak surut-surut,dealing with head office people that doesn't seem to know each other eventhough they sit in the same cubicle and seeing a patient, I have been lying low.Lowest as possible.But I'm up again now,posting this after just finished emailing 20 pages of client behaviour analysis.(Sedap aje buat karangan pasal orang) And if I have time today (I doubt so) I will do some major bloghopping.
Yesterday, was the eleventh years since my younger brother's passing.He would have been 30 this year.But as my family disregard counting his death anniversary in bulan matsalleh (February), we only remember his passing in the 15th of Ramadhan yearly.Because he died in Ramadhan the 15.But I maintain remembering him in both dates...and I will continue to do so in future. Couple of years ago I had this dream about him, me and my two other sisters, in the scene where we were very young playing kejar-kejar.We were so happy running around gelak-gelak like a normal little children gayness.Half way through berlari-lari sambil ketawa-ketawa,we stumbled upon one Makcik that look at my brother in shock.The Makcik went 'Eh, apa buat kat sini...kan XXX dah mati'.( Need to explain, XXX is my late brother's nick name...taknak lah bagitau kat sini kan?) When hearing that remark, all of us (the girls) terkejut and my brother, still very, very happy laughing away and run to his dissapearance.All 3 of us went after him but he kept on running and running.Motif kenapa tak kejar dengar speed PT Usha? Itulah namanya mimpi kan? And I woke up with a tears streaming down and of course lah Mak Badak (as we were sharing room at this time) pun terbangun. That was the last I saw him in dreams.Tak ada lagi pastu.
So that's that.Last Sunday and yesterday was utterly sensitive for me and when I'm like 'that', I will recluse into siput and need not to be disturb.I saw my partner last on Saturday and after little disagreement (big issue, little drama) I decided to return to Twickenham malam-malam buta itu.Good job that I pinjam kereta Mak Badak, so senanglah nak commute.The disgreement is about, ahh..as always happy to tell...is about me moving in there.People might wonder why are we not living together and now that we are legally bonded,kenapa masih duduk asing-asing lagi?
Well, first...I have tried.Failed miserably.I don't like to be made feeling insecure and certainly do not need a reminder yang rumah itu rumah dia even after I contributed the appropriate cost.I have never duduk free (although, I like to be kept) But with orang putih, they will only spend money on things that they justify spending it on.But of course, I have never ambik kesempatan.In fact, I am the one that my partner should 'ambik kesempatan' from as I am earning more.That was the problem.I was made to feel insecure by an order for me to leave.Silap besar lah halau I.And since then, concept sharing is caring ni,with me, dah tak laku.Especially sharing dengan my partner.Don't get me wrong, I love the perks, like having someone who layan you like permaisuri, having company in bed that sort.But because of the habit of telling me 'this is my place...I can do what I please', inadvertantly you are pushing me out to a corner somewhere that I don't feel welcome.But I keep trying.People can see that I made an effort.My flatmates was amused by my courage to do it.The amount of energy that I put in and my endurance to what they see as a silliness.From time to time, the issue of 'when are you going to move in with me' akan timbul.And last Saturday wasn't a good time at all untuk timbul because after working the whole day, the last thing I want to hear is about someone act of self indemnity.God knows how many times we have talked about it.Suffice to say, words was not put properly owing to me yang penat and dia yang tak reti-reti bahasa.But why really? I have been analysing me for a while and I know that this will be the thing that I am going to have a major thing with.Sharing spaces.
I told my therapist how bad my life was before having to share things, dengan adik beradik (tapi ini diampunkan...pasalnya takde choice...or if I refuse,maka rotan lah jawab nya) the worst was having to share vital stuff in the school hostel which is not pleasant.I remember times when I have to fend for myself, my stuff and my food.Ramainya kaki bully and pencopet murahan kat Asrama Puteri itu.Habis pencil tick-tick aku dicopet (that's what I called mechanical pencil)
So bila makcik dah kayo ni...(eversince makan gaji) I am in the position of not needing to share.I even paid for the cost of the whole apartment when I was living in KL,Jakarta and Melbourne....ehh..info tipu, Melbourne apartment was given as a perk.I only started sharing with Mak Badak when we decided to live in London, which that time is very practical (even until now) So, my concept of sharing is different now,in the sense of you need to have people that care about you.And Mak Badak (amid kata-kata nista yang telah ku keluarkan padanya and vice versa) still care deeply about me.We are adik beradik in London dunia akhirat.Closest thing I have to a mother, and Mak Badak nombor 2, okaylah..tak mengacau sangat but kadang-kadang,dia sapu jugak Walker Crisp and Cadbury Whole Nut aku.Tapi, bearable lah.
I really love my current space.I'm so secure (if I'm still paying rent) in here.My emotional space is something that I find it hard to share as well.Although I'm not that sociable,I like the freedom of having to access to anything without having worry that I might offend anyone.If I nak gossip cakap melayu pun takde orang kecik hati.If I nak bertenet sampai subuh subuh hening pun takde orang marah.But I know for sure, I can't do that at my partner's.I can't see any of my friends is welcome there or me having to do things my way.Semuanya mesti main-consult consult plus dianya yang tak nak bercampur gaul dengan orang itu. This is something that I know I have to get use to and one day I will, not now.Tapi nak cakap orang, perangai my partner pun sama.Cakap gempak sharing is caring,tapi kalau aku terlebih masa tengok TV or pakai PC dia, habis aku dimarahnya.And bila I cuba nak kemas-kemas alih-alih barang, dia akan cakap yang I ni perlu memintak permisi nya.Hoii..sialan bukan?
So,why am I always being called a selfish little turnip wanting my own space and my own way? What about dia tu? Pun protecting space dia jugak, nampak gayanya. So, where can we live then? Belukar lah kot. What does that tell you? I'm a selfish cow. Menjanda lah tak lama lagi.