Kena Tinggal --- Satu Penilaian Semula

Tajukkkk..takmau kalah nah?

When I was in standard 1 or 2 (maybe 3) Kassim Ahmad published his book with title 'Hadis- Satu Penilaian Semula'. If I remember correctly, it was an uproar back then. Ye lah, Kassim Ahmad tu kan orang melayu and presumed Muslim, kan? Masa tu I kan budak kecik, so tak terjangkal lah dek akal buku tu pasal apa..not that after I dah berotak sikit I nak pi cari buku tu and baca. I supposed like Shahnon Ahmad's Sh*t, buku Kassim Ahmad tu kenalah banned kot. Zaman Che Det, biasalah kannn?

Ekcherli, tajuk I nak bubuh is Kena Cerai. But people in your life can leave you without 'cerai' ing you, betul tak? Either cerai tu mutual ataupun one sided, tetaplah one party made decision to leave.

In Malaysia negaraku yang orang main sesuka buat law iskk..mahap nah, especially in Syariah Court, maka orang pompuan adalah bernasib malang sikit. Laki kita tak suka kat kita, maka besau lesen nya nak berambus. In civil court macam senang sikit (senang ke?) sebab you will only allowed 2 reasons to divorce. Your partner's unreasonable behaviour and adultery. I might be wrong but..kalau orang pompuan dah menyampah sangat kat lakinya, pi lah upah escort-escort untuk goda laki dia ajak balik rumah and after that, buat-buat lah ter walk in your husband dgn orang pompuan tu ye. Confirm..court will grant your petition.

I am not going to talk about court or divorce like that. Dalam case-case yang I dapat hari-hari (yang kena tolak kat I..cam setan situkang tolak tu) 2 in 10 adalah kes orang kena tinggal. I talked to my SV (Kiah, I also got SV you don't play play ah?) about possible separation trauma yang puak-puak ni dok stress sampai terbantut hidup. SV kata possible. Separation trauma..separation anxiety, we think...are different things. Anxiety selalu kena kat budak2..kat mak budak pun ada jugak nak nak kalau laki dia kena kerja jauh. Trauma ni selalunya separation yang takde warning-warning. Like the spouse mati...tak pun spouse kita tetiba hilang akal dan lupa kita ni siapa lantas membabai kan kita dgn takde rasa bersalah nya.

When people decide to leave, chances are, he/she may have been planning it for a while. I am not talking about mati kerana merempit ye, adik-adik yang sudah menjadi balu kepada Mat Mat Rempit. When you are in a long term relationships, you boleh jadi malas nak point out the obvious yang sudah menjadi cancer yang menyakitkan. My good friend married a playboy, knowing very well what he is like. Takk...jantan janji nak berubah. Drama sebelum kahwin jangan cakaplah banyak nya. But they managed to drag themselves until depan Tok Kadi. Kawan dah lama ni sebelum kahwin. Bila dah beranak 3, dah dengarnya laki masih lagi berhobi tegar berpoya-poya dgn fomfuens lain, si isteri dah fed up. But tahan jugak. Bila I tanya pasai apa..chenta ka..katanya pulak chenta dah habis. Dia kata dia sudah malas. Familar sungguh orang gunakan alasan malas ni. malas nak cakap, he should know..I have told him before..bla bla bla.

I cakap lah..you can tell your husband about how you are unhappy about his philandering ways..but have you tell him that if tak jugak nak berubah, maka you akan belah? Dah katanya...bila I tanya. Many many years ago. So, duduklah mereka sebagai housemate yang tak happy. Dia lah yang tak happy nampak gaya nya..jantan tu macam okay aje..ye lah, balik rumah semua ada...kan?

So now, tak angin, tak apa...lakinya ceraikan dia. Terperanjatlah kawan..padahal dah lama dah ni sakit hati. Mulalah meroyan....dalam FB uols. Sekejap marah...petang sikit dah dekat-dekat waktu sembahyang karang dia update status ala-ala pasrah kat Allah...update tengah malam karang, feeling-feeling sunyi dan mengenang nasib yang kena tinggal walaupun dah bekorban ala-ala Ogy pada Azmil gituh. Everyday like that..vicious cycle sungguh!

When I kena tinggal...cewawahhhh....first few years was to wonder why? I was a good girlfriend. I could have done more maybe but I thought I was perfect. Trauma. malu kat kawan-kawan..ye lah..berchenta dgn kelompok sendiri kan..I kenal kawan you..you kenal kawan I. Couple lain bergasak bergaduh, I dgn dia tak pernah gaduh..I was sporting as hell...orang lain gaduh macam nak berbunuh, lalu kahwin. I? Kena tinggal...takde notice lak tu. Sign sign sudah ada...but sebab sign sign tu sign biasa, I didn't think too much about it.

Until now, I pun tatau kenapa. Biaq lah dia. Tapi bila ingat, trauma lah jugak.

Let's discuss...why abandonment is traumatic? Okay, we are not discussing case-case budak kecik ye...

Somebody spoke about her ex husband to me recently. I guessed she had traumatic separation too..menjerit-jerit katanya. Isk. Separation trauma's result can either be 1. Prolong effects of hate and 2. Prolong effects of incapacitated emotion. Ni I lah yang punya idea, SV kata..mana ada? I cakap...ada. I kena tinggal dgn siamang I, lantas pastu mana ada I nak keluar dgn orang lain lagi.

SV suruh I pikir mengapa reason nya. I think it is to do with ego. Hahh..menda tu? Manusia kan ada ego strength masing-masing, kan Kiah? Ada yang bila dah tergadah nak kena tinggal barulah nak berubah tapi berubah mengikut ego nya. Adalah kawan I ni, masa dia dok malap-malap hati dgn laki nya...ni pun kes simpan tak nak cakap harap orang tahu ----macamlah hati dia ada projector boleh transmit ke dinding bagi laki dia tengok. I dok kompang-kompang lah supaya dia pi lawan head on dgn laki nya. Ego kuat masing2 tu...tapi I suruhlah dia jadi the bigger person supaya bagitau kat laki nya apa keputusan yang dia nak buat and jangan dok simpan last minute. Hari-hari I hound kawan I ni...kalaulah BBM masa tu boleh passing air panas, dah lama muka I melecur dia curah air panas.

Knowing how hurtful it is not to be told what I have done wrong, not given a chance to say my peace...and no opportunity to make things better, I believe a killer should really tell their victim why they nak bunuh the victim.Mati pun tak sakit hati kann? Family simati tu pun tahu apasal.

Not knowing is trauma. If our ego is low, we don't deal with this trauma lightly.

However, the process of dealing with trauma is a good time to buildback the ego strength. Sometimes during the difficult times in our relationships, we lost sight of who we really are. We focus so much on reaching out to unreachable and forget that is us that need the most helps.

Nanti I sambung ye...tetiba lak Spice Girl kluar kat TV.