The Sick Hobby

When I was a student, I am not one of the brightest. My brain accelerate at 10kmp/h. My brain and my heart did not communicate. When my brain is confused, it sends signals that shrivelled my heart and made it scared to ask more questions. I worked extra hard to compensate this flaw. I went on and stresses myself a lot more by comparing with my slightly pandai brother and sisters yang tak pernah pun ku tengok belajar cam nak mampus tapi boleh dapat single digit in SRP and SPM. I often think that I brought embarassment to my parents, Bapak lah in particular. Little that I know that all those years he was so impressed with the fact that I hardly complaint and just get on trying my level best. It took me years to find peace with myself.


At 16, I met my one and only steady boyfriend. Prompted by his insecurity, we were engaged for a little while.I loved him...and I like to think that he loves me. We went from the stages of being friendly to semi steady to steady to suam-suam kuku beruang then back to steady to semi steady, chipsmore (as in kejap ada kejap takde) to him dilanda amnesia, lupa yang I ni gilpren dia and he later married his wife. Of course, to ease his guilt...he kind of suggested...ni masa dia nak pi jemput aku datang makan nasi minyak nya disamping nak bagitahu yang aku ni bukan lagi gilpren nya..that I am partly to be blamed in our 'so called' break up.

You all yang membaca dah semestinya perasan betapa selama hari ni I was looking for answers on why, why, why? Why was I treated in such a way? We women so like to read between the lines and dots...I could have just dismissed that (his decision to mengembang kan sayap ke ke pompuan lain) as him being a man, so bingai in making life decisions...sometimes.

But no, kita kan suka menyeksa diri?

I tell myself that at this age, that if lah I terjatuh chenta lagi...then this time it would be different. I have to put my feelings first. That..if I menyampah maut dengan team MU so be it. Zaman-zaman nak menjadi gf mithali ikut je bontot orang pergi Old Trafford telah berakhir (although that time, I love MU and Beckham) I dengan sengalnya telah berfeeling-feeling Puteri Pucuk Kelopang..because..masa tu lah glamernya dihangkut boipren pergi tengok bola kat Old Trafford. But bila ingat-ingat balik, dah le jarang jumpa...he was in Manchester, I was in Sheffield...dia selalu komplen Sheffield tu jauh...and I always made the trip down..made all the effort...I so want to score points with his friends yang rata-ratanya mempunyai gilpren yang gediks lagi gariks that their bf had to be at their beck and call. Masa tengok bola, apalah yang romantic nya? Not that he was dedicating all the winning to me? Pegang tangan lagi lah takde...he would rather cracked jokes with other MU girls. All I was that time is to put up this front as gf yang paling sporting kat mukabumi ni. But...apakah hasilnya? Haram you alll.....

I dah separated from F dah lebih setahun. All the lapan tahun memadu janji haram jadah adalah banyak terseksa dari bahagia nya. But of course, in general a woman opted to live in Wonderland. We would if we could hoping for the leopard to change its spot (or skin ah,Kiah) Like all Malaysia still hoping for the tolls systems to be abolished once and for all and that Telekom Malaysia is going to stop bullying my mother into thinking it was her fault that the phone lines gone bad but mercilessly still billing her the line rental.

Since si Tua tu yang kononnya dah membagi pengajaran kat I kerna katanya akulah yang paling berperangai dalam relationship kami (ni pun kalau you all nak tahu..ku sabar aje menerima all that tuduhan...) by asking me to tinggalkan rumah dia. Cewwah....dia tak tahu lagi ke betapa I am survivor independent woman destiny child nya aku ni???? Hah...I pun keluar rumahnya dengan senang hati..of course lah 2,3 minggu jugak menangis memikirkan all those nostalgic moments masa bahagia and grieving on the fact why this one didn't work. The detachment process adalah seksa...nak mengeluarkan orang tu dari dalam system kita macam nak mengeluarkan Botox (macam lah aku pakai Botox pun kan?)

Dalam setahun tu macam-macam I buat...membuat harta...membuat dosa...reconnecting back with myself...(somehow earlier this year managed to bagged myself the old flame) and sekarang I dok pikir mengapalah I jadi buduhhh tak escape awal-awal seperti yang telah di syor-syor kan oleh kengkawan???? I guess I just being the typical women....hoping for things to get better.

With MC....ohhh life can be beautiful since I discovered that Skype lagi terang dari YM...that Lebara Mobile lagi convenient dari all those calling cards cap Pakistan. The hindrance is always Malaysia Airlines yang mahal macam puaka.

But adakah aku akan dok diam tersengih macam kerang menanti hari-hari bahagia disambut bak Elle McPherson kat KLIA????? Nope. Since beginning, I have managed to upset myself so many times with my own insecurity, with my own analogy of how a perfect relationship should be and macam-macam lagi benda bangang. I could have just being the furthest one and be missed all day and nights kununnya....and enjoy the fact that ada jugaklah orang nak kat I. Tak...ada aje benda, ada aje seksaan batin yang nak ku volunteer kan kat hati dan pala hotak ku yang telah sememang nya sensitip ni.

So, from the top paragraph to the end is the evident of my propensity to menyiksa diri....thinking thing I shouldn't think about.

I wish I am just as flaky....I do stuff...if didn't work the desireable way, only grieve for a short period and later, melompat katak balik. But no....I dwell and dwell.

I now am so consumed with anxiety of meeting MC. Ye lah...tragic love story nya is bila kapal terbang nak take off baru nak declare...pastu evaluate feelings, finding confirmation conformation through YM and Skype. At time I am still reeling from the tragedy of being rejected twice...the time when I was left high and dry and of course all those 15 years hoping for pigs could grow a wings.

The nearer the day...lagi kecut perut...tak lena tido tapi Easter Eggs dah berkotak lenyap dah Kiahhhh oiiii!!!!