First, I would like to thank those who follows this blog. Tang mana yang Cik-Cik semua rasa minat, saya pun tidaklah mengerti. This page is hardly informative. In addition, ada yang dah sakit hati. Laa...kepada mana-mana yang ada syndrome cepat terasa tu, tak apa lagi yang hendak ku kata selain dari berhentilah membaca, kan?

I don't read (leisurely) a lot. Kepala otak sudah tepu, yang hanya boleh dibaca pun blog-blog yang penulisnya adalah manusia yang hidup dibumi nyata. I tend to read more flat tales tak menyakitkan kepala, something that can induce laughter and of course lah, sebagai seorang melayu, saya suka membaca gossip berunsur kutukan-kutukan membina dan memupus.

Secondly, Cik Amris...(or Encik?) no, I do not fancy si JT tu. So, being denial about my feeling (supposedly for him) is rather irrelevant. Maybe JT fancies me, who knows..(you know) but I think, I am far too old to main tutup-tutup mata teka siapa disana now ni.Orang ajak keluar minum kopi makan cake, saya pun keluarlah...lagipun, kek dan kopi ittew ditaja oleh JT. My travel expenses di taja oleh company saya so kesimpulannya, saya tak keluar duit sesen pun. Being in the postion 'I've got time and nothing to lose' ni adalah sungguh indah. Although JT in between coffee and cake tu adalah jugak hint-hint 'kalau padi katakan padi, idok le aku ternanti-nanti'. I'm not saying that we did the Pesta Pantun, but I think kalau dah 10 kali hint, orang rabun cam I pun can read between the line. But I think he know where he stand with me. Like any other kucing, although ikan tu duduk diam-diam dalam aquarium pun dia akan cuba makan, sebegitu jugaklah si JT ittew. Selagi terdaya, Kiah..akan kucuba menangkis cobaan-cobaan berani nya itu. Soon he'll grow tired...and mula mencari ikan lain yang lebih receptive.

Thirdly, Makcik Pakiam dah mati. Drug induced heart failure. Apparently she was unwell and her illegal drug intake corrodes some of her internal system, and she was arrested. Died almost instantly. My memory of her for the last few months knowing her is that she has already dead inside. I was suppose to be helping her, but reading back my notes, from what she had told me, there's really nothing to live for.

Makcik Pakiam never really open up to me. I guessed she must have suffered emotional trauma badly. When alive, life was taken away from her. My last meeting with her, we talked casually about life. She asked me how does it feel to have it all?

I asked, what do you mean..'have it all?'

'You got good job, you schooled alright...normal '

I told her that Social Work is the lowest paid job, considering the responsibilities it carries and we are not well received in the community.

'But you clever innit?'

I told her that I go to school like she did. I don't have a choice...or my father will kill me.

'I never listen to the shit my parents told me'

I said, lucky you.

In many of our conversation, we sometimes compete about who dares the most, who's in bad childhood competition, siapa pandai competition etc. I always admire the way she think and how I wish I was that daring.

We both agree that secular education is not that important. It may affect they way we think but in no way education will make people's life happier. I told her that the only thing that I value when going to Uni is it sharpens my survival skills. I learned about people more.But I always remarked that she is smart.

Makcik Pakiam asked, what you mean?

I said, I wouldn't know how to survive without money, food and roof over my head. Somehow you managed...your survival instinct is better than mine and anybody I know. You get through you day, until today...and that is a big achievement.You don't need a degree for that.

Makcik Pakiam smile and put her arm around my shoulder...'thanks mate'.

I am just glad that at least she know she is smart and clever, in her own way. At the rate she is going, she will never find happiness because long before someone had put a stop to it. So although this is sad, I'm thankful that she is now in a better place. She died alone, no relatives willing to come and see her. We can't contact her son as he is now adopted.

I pray Allah forgive her sin. That's all I can do.

The beauty of being older, or shall I say mature in age is that you're able to look back at all your dumb mistake, laugh it off (some mistakes laa..) and learn not to repeat it, or if it get thrown back at your face, this time you can handle it a bit better.

Yes lah...I'm talking about my new found friendship with my old time friend. Now ni, nak tulis apa-apa kena justify pulak you tulis pasal siapa..tak pasal-pasal budak TKC tu kecik ati.

20 years ago, if JT says hello, that would have made my day. He was a good looking, pemain bolasepak sekolah lagi.He was an actual science student yang kiranya sungguh multi-talented, dah le pandai belajorrr pahtu olahragawan sekolah lagi. Tak ke anak gadis termimpi-mimpi?

I think as a woman, we generally think that kalau dah 30+++ tu, you have passed your sell by date, however in some cases like Wan Zaleha, you may beg to differ. Kenkadang masa ni lah saham naik dengan mencanaknya.There's man out there who likened the search for woman macam beli wine...lagi tua, makin sedap rasanya (although, I cannot confirm this...pasalnya,aku taktau pun wine tu rasanya macam mana)

I don't have many male friends. Unlike Kiah, I am very pemalu (muntah ke kau, Kiah?) but I have over the years building and strengthened my confidence, by looking at man without fearing the like of Mak Ayam yang ada aje kata-kata sumbang nak dilemparkan bila kita baik sikit dengan budak laki-laki ni.Goodness, I remember this girl from school, asal ada aje budak lelaki melintas, she will then dengan mulut loudhailer nya pi cakap 'hey..awak nak kawin dengan dia'. Age 7,8,9,10 masa tu dengar aje word 'kawin' semua rasa nak masuk dalam lemari kan?

JT has openly admitted that he sort of using me, to get in touch back with his lost self. Apa makna tu, aku pun taktau. I think men in general suka benar meng create somekind of terminology to make them look complicated and need sorting out, thus excused all their weird shortcomings. Padahal takde apa pun, drama aje yang lebih. Macamlah kita pompuan yang suka berdrama ni taktau kan? But at least drama-drama pun, never once I heard women using their issues to excuse their behaviour. And this I shall agree with Kiah...we should all stick together against evil forces.

I told JT to be very careful with what he wish for. Just because I am trained to work with difficult people, does not mean that I am any better at solving masalah donia like selsema babi.Plus...I am only working with really,really sick people, so orang yang sakit ni, selalunya tahu yang dia tu sakit, and however much you point out their weakness and how they should work with it, the respond you get are usually nicer than orang-orang yang rasa dia normal ni.

Lagipun, kerja-kerja social ku hanya terhad kat pesakit-pesakit yang memerlukan rawatan aje. Kalau kawan-kawan, remain kawan-kawan ajelah. Bagi nasihat kat kawan-kawan pun is not always a good idea. Tak pasal-pasal jadik tajuk pergaduhan pulak.

JT picked and choose his friends...and girlfriends too. I don't think he have many. The girl he was seeing masa sekolah lasted for 10 years, he remain very faithful to her and si Minah tu dah pergi US, dalam pada berchenta jarak jauh gaya pos with him, ghope-ghope nya ada memasang lifeboat piula kat sana. In the end, I think she must have decided that bagus lagi setan didepan mata, and she marry her lifeboat. Terkontang-kanting lah JT kat Exeter nun....(Kiah, kalau kau jumpa, musti kau kenal si JT ni...circa 1992-1995 kat area-area kau buat A-Level tu)

So I told him...you don't need me to find your lost 'mojo'. You probably never know what you been looking for and what you really want. So you mixed your own confusion and maybe, conveniently used your bad luck as an excuse.

JT tanya..apakah itu Makji?

So I told him about my boipren..yang kuchenta and yang ku puja-puja macam nak rak tu. Yes...I was in love with him (or so I thought) and the way I was going on about my life and it uncertainties is like as if I was hard done by, by my so called chenta agong lah ni. Yes, he was the perfect excuse...we were together for like a decade, he left me...he came back, he pissed off again and datang balik and kesudahnya mati. Looking back, I have moved on...but still, I am not entirely happy. It could have been I don't know what I really want and dengan senangnya menggunakan excuse diriku putus chenta dan merana.But is it really? I don't know.

So I asked JT, can you relate to this? You jatuh cinta kat si Polan tu...you were never really together but she was undoubtedly your first love. You moved on and marry your wife, you thought you love her, maybe you did but your marriage just ran its course and now you left with all these questions and conveniently, you will pick the obvious reason why your life so messed up, pasal you merana chenta pertama.

You could have married the first love and ended up bermusuh ketat dengan dia. You will still have this outstanding issue with yourself, and would be fair to blame her?

Dan saya terus minum cappucino saya...so, what is this post got to do with me being older? Well, I think it is because I can look back with open mind, where you will allow all sorts of ideas and opinion.

Tak munaserawak nya.

Ye Kiah, aku sekarang ni rajin pulak jumpa si JT tu...

Desperate kah aku? Rase nya idok le...but bahana nya? I was 62kg couple of weeks ago and now beratku telah naik ke angka 66kg, dengan mendadaknya. Sama mendadaknya bila aku makan cake kat Cafe Nero tu.

Dua tiga menjak semenjak dia telah menjadik Duda jahat ni (in oppose to Janda Baik) semakin baik lah pulak dia dengan I. I guessed there's plenty of cloud hanging over his head last year or so, and that may as well explain his mood swings. Nevertheless, I still think his attitude towards his wife (or ex) is appalling. Marriage is a partnership...it has to be two people's decisions. One may initiate, but the two must agree, walaupun hati kelat dan muka ketat..kan Makji Eton?

But for some reasons, I enjoy his company. We talked about the old time a lot, although sometimes I felt like our old time stories didn't match, given that masa sekolah dulu, tak dilayan nya aku Kiah oii...

I asked him if he knows any other student...(I think my real question was...kau takde kawan lain ke nak kau ajak pi menembamkan badan?) Tak ada katanya...

So he asked me if I ada plan nak sambung belajar (macam kau ke?) to better my career.

See, I tak jawab pun..I dok senyum-senyum sambil makan cake (yang telah bertukar menjadi lemak sejat kat badan ku)

But I wish to answer him here...if I may (and if you don't mind...)

1. See, I tak macam Kiah so, what I have is just enough for now. I could if I would before but malas sungguh.Yang ada tu pun kena paksa.

2. Better my career? It took me ages to finally feel that 'this job is right'. I have done quite a few...berkira-kira, berterbangan di awan, rubbing shoulders with the like of Sarah Sechan, Jamie Aditya, Nadya Hutagalung etc and bersosialan dengan businessman kaki putar alam. I truly believe that there will be a stage in your life that what is important is how we feel as a person.So, I may not have a wonderful career, but the daily different challenge it brings excite me.

Kesimpulannya...I ni takde wawasan. Wawasan nak jadi lebih pandai tu takde lah..but if wanting to make a difference to people who are unfortunate enough to have been hampered by social issues, hereditary brain defect,body chemical imbalanced can be classify as wawasan, then it is my plan to do that in the future, hopefully in KL if people start taking humanity seriously.

Cehwah......majulah bangsa, agama dan negara...kan Kiah?

Update

Yes....this post is yesterday's news. (Apasal kau lambat publish?) If wanting to publish a thought nevertheless of the date being lag does not show enough determination nak menghupdate, I don't know what else is. At least aku hupdate, takdelah macam orang tu, laki takde rumah barulah rajin...hari lain tak rajin...nampak sangat ber overtime malam-malam. Pastu besok bila ter mengand..depressed lah memanjang. Cisss!!!

Yesterday was my late brother would have been 32nd birthday.

I think today, enough lah nak nak mengumpat orang and sebagai kakak yang mithali (and ever so guilty) I should write about him.

I do wonder what he may look like at this age. I am a female version of him, but I have to say (not because he is my brother) that he is a handsome looking young man. He was already 6ft tall when he was 19...so I think he would stretch to 6'2 now.

As a family, we have agreed not to question his fate, of why did he have to go so young. He was ill but the illness was too rapid to kill him and we never had that chance to say goodbye.

He died at 4pm and was brought back home on the Maghrib the same day. When he was there lying at the corner of our Paroi Jaya living room facing the kiblat, I pray Allah to give me strength not to fall asleep until I see the last of him.

I was reading Yassin non-stop. I can feel people hugging me from behind, and I don't know who they were. I was hoping that his eyes will open, but they never did.

When people are not looking, my hands are touching his very,very cold body. He was so stiff. He still look the same, only pale.I keep asking him quietly, get up..please get up. But he didn't and he can't.

We all, my brothers and sisters slept next to him. I don't think we all slept. I didn't and I saw my sister's (the one he was very close to) was jerking non-stop. She was crying in her sleep.

When he was lowered to the ground, I said goodbye from afar. There was just too many people. I was angry. People just plain nosy, why? We have the right to be near him, but no..semua orang nak tengok and we were left behind. My two brothers is already inside the ground, doing their manly bit. My father was just too weak to see all that.

I can hear my father cried 'you were supposed to see me off, not the other way around'.

I cannot remember telling him how much I love him, and I think I never tell any of my brothers and sisters the same.People always say that..masa diorang hidup lah kena cakap...but do we really want to do that without them thinking kita ni bertebiat?

Loving brothers and sister (or even parents) are unspoken love. We tell them we love them when we were to young to understand what love means, and perhaps too young to have all that sense of vanity.

I count my blessing that we never had that major 'aku menyampah tengok muka kau' or 'kau celaka' moment. I was in the boarding school when he was still in primary school and off to UK when he was a in his early teens. There was never a time to bergaduh.

But now when I think hard, none of us ever bergaduh with him...simply because he was such an angel.He loves everyone.He loves the cats...he brought stray cats home and feed them. Everytime I see a cat (or when I'm being horrible to one) I'll think of him.

When he was desperately ill, he don't remember me. I was near and he can't see. But mother said, eveytime I wasn't there...he never stop asking 'where Angah?'

I was not there when he died. If only I don't have to care about my stupid toiletries...but I did, and I think he went deliberately.

Yes, so he is 32 yesterday. He was 19 when he went. And I still miss him dearly.

Al-Fatihah.

'I do....but I don't...'

Seperti yang telah ku war-war kan kepada you all dengan muka tak malunya didalam blog ni, semua orang yang membaca (dan 2 ke 3 orang lagi yang tak baca) dah tahu yang I ni dah didalam process-process nak berpatah arang berkerat rotan dengan Orang Tua Putih itu. Ceritanya tak panjang...hidup dalam perperangan, kejap baik, kejap tak baik...tup-tup, I dah dibagi notice suruh tinggalkan dia dan tinggalkan rumah to which (masa hati sakit) I follow dengan dengan senang hati dan senang kaki.

That was February. Basically kepada yang tidak ada perasaan macam orang ittew, akan tahu yang I ni dalam process-process grieving. So you thought good friend like her will at least offer a needy friend like moir a shoulder to cry on or kalau takde bahu pun, kasilah buku address lama or any contact eligible Doctor untuk ku jadikan dahan berteduh or persinggahan sementara githoo. Haram takde nya. Dipaksa aku hupdate and hantar cekelat pemuas napsu dia lagi ada. Happa lah itu kawan!!!

Sometime I thought that the separation is good, it gives me time and space to ponder, apalah lagi yang nak kuharapkan kat sipadi seberang ini. Tak banyak. Nak harapkan duit dia? Duit I laaaaaaaaagi banyak...(although duit dia pun banyak juga...tapi tak pernah pun merasa) Kadang-kadang hati terasa, eh..sementelah dah technically single ni, patutkah aku jadi bohsia macam budak TKC ittew? Reliving back my younger days yang takdelah sehebat mana. I was so nerd you (ni tak macam si self-proclaimed TKC nerd tu, cakap aje nerd tapi umur belum setahun jagung dah ber swapping saliva dengan budak laki-laki nah?) nak kawan dengan jantan pun takut...setialah aku macam nak mati dengan siamang tu (BTW Kiah, we did swapped upper DNA after 6 years together but that still not qualify for Bohsia of the year 1994)

Because we are now separated, I am not oblige to make any contact. Adalah calling-calling jugak out of respect, with us trying to outwit each other, buat pose-pose tak kisah until in the end, one of us noticed how cold we are to each other, prompted sipadi seberang tu tanya if I dah ada jumpa orang lain? Boleh diwarning nya aku tu Kiah, cakap we are still legally married so, I hope that going out in a pull is not in your agenda. Babi nya...tak kah dia tahu, lagi dihalang, lagi jahat aku jadi nya.

The fact is, I am not, although nak jugaklah buat statement 'kau hingat aku tak laku ke?' sometime. But, what good will that do me? Being in a relationship is tiring enough, although I did missed the chat, the thing you do with your partner (I'm not talking sexual stuff, Kiah) missing the person who just being there walaupun sesejuk ikan Tuna Jepun.

Sipadi seberang tu, was indeed a good partner. Always there, walaupun menyakitkan hati kenkadang.I was working all the time and missing out on small-small thing like last week TV Magazine yang dia rajin simpan kan. Or any newspaper articles that I may like to read, si tua being ever so thoughtful akan kerat dan simpan kan...running my bath...back rub. Smallest thing like that.

This is when you realised what you're missing and what you're losing. But after almost 2 months, I may have mourned my loss and appreciate the fact that although I am missing the art of 2 people loving each other and showing each other love in such a weird way (by menyakitkan hati each other) I still think that there's no way back.

So I said 'I do love you, but I don't want to be with you anymore'.

And now, I menyesal pulak cakap camtu. Isk..isk..isk...

Post Partum Update

Ehem..ehem..ehem, by the time this is published, it may have been 2,3 days too late. But, mana satu kau ndak, Kiah? Ada hupdate or takde langsung?

My laptop is still lying low in Kingston's PC World. I should have jenguk to give them the more go ahead, but Kingston is not near any place I should visit, apart from our HQ. Tapi kalau sesaja pulak nak datang Kingston time-time kerja, buat apa ada pulak spy-spy yang nampak kelibat I and report kat Boss besar yang Makji Esah telah di google earth berada di kawasan Kingston-Upon-Thames, tak ke naya? Nanti Boss kata, ohh Makji, you bila suruh datang miting, dolak dalik kata Kingston tu jauh, tapi apasal pulak ada orang nampak you bersidai kat area-area PC World ittew?

I am one of this people yang tak suka masuk miting, especially miting dengan puak-puak sendiri i.e. rakan sekerja, rakan sekerja lain branch and Boss-Boss besar. I adalah sangat pemalu and rendah self-esteem so sitting duck in front of plenty of people in that meeting room is way,way too daunting for me.

In Social Services, the common issue and concerns people like to bring up in the meeting is Policies & Procedures. We discuss cara-cara nak menyelamatkan pesakit-pesakit, cara untuk mengelak orang ramai dari kekejaman pesakit-pesakit, cara untuk menemubual pesakit/keluarga pesakit, cara untuk mengelakkan pesakit menjadi lebih sakit dan cara unutk menghalang orang tak sakit dari menjadi mangsa orang sakit. What we never discuss in meeting is that how Social Workers/Support Workers/Outreach Workers like we all ni is greviously underpaid and should be paid as much as English Premier League footballers or Perdana Menteri Zimbabwe. Tak kan ado lah.

Sometime, I am so fed up dealing with human issues. People like you (siapakah you?) always think that people like us (like me) kerjanya discussing you. You ingat I suka ke menghabiskan masa 7.5 hours daily (the legal working hours) bercerita, berbincang and menyelesaikan masalah you? Ish..kalau le I ada benda lain nak dibuat, tak hingin I. Speaking of which, this is a choice I made.Memang ada benda lain...tapi benda lain semuanya tak tercapai dek tangan. Hasrat hati nak jadi Doctor bersettee empuk kat opis, apakan daya, penilaian darjah lima dapat 4A 1B, so takleh masuk TKC, SRP and SPM secukup rasa...yang dapatnya masuk PiPiPi buat course yang ber learning subjects aje, takde nak belajar anything technical yang menyeksa otak. So apakan daya, terimalah nasib diri yang tak berapa bistari ni.

Two of my colleague was signed off sick, having a nervous breakdown recently. Cuti 6 bulan lah tu, meng overhaul kepala hotak. Bila nanti kalau dah kepala dah irrepairable, maka bolehkan claim sickness benefits and tak kerja sampai bila-bila.Hmm...tempted nya.

I spoke to JT recently (aih..berdating kah aku, Kiah?) JT was making all these comments how I was so different now compared to before...(Encik Bahalol, sekarang saya dah 36, dahulu saya 16...kalaulah saya masih berperangai macam budak 16 tahun, bukankan saya hanya akan mengundang sangsi yang saya ni mengalami akal yang terencat and associate developmental issue?)

Tapi, tak banyak sikit, I agree with him. Once upon a time I, I am so quiet, timid and fearful. The only thing that didn't change is the way I process my thought. I have always been blunt. In a quieter version before however I'll say thing as it is. I remember once I defied my father (berani nya...) I was asked to do something. I am the usually very docile young woman but on this particular ocassion, I was so against his instruction. No exchange of words but world was shown kekerasan badan and mogok lapar. In the end, I was challenged to expressed my thoughts and I did, and father later (to my surprise) conciliate with his conscience.

However now, I don't need to be challenged to expressed my thoughts, and goodness, the problem I got myself into and the people perceptions.

I told JT that I made comments about how some people who were so taksub with the superficial things, makan, minum kopi and beratur tunggu bas pun nak cakap hal itu saja.To me is merely drawing attention to themselves, ye lah, nak lah orang kiri kanan tahu apa fungsi kita ni kepada agama, bangsa and negara lah gamak nya.

I said to JT I think people like this are so desperate for community approval so that they can reassure themselves.JT tanya I, apo makno tu Makji? I pun cakap, ala..macam budak2 MCKK lah, kiri kanan kiri kanan pun dok nak cerita Fiat Sapienta Virtuos (betui ka ni?) aje. Yes, kita semua tahu lah budak MCKK tu pandai-pandai belaka, tapi mestikah orang lain pun nak tahu jugak? So I said, well, tu maknya nya they are not convinced themselves, so kenalah cakap berkompang-kompang depan budak MRSM tak pass add math cam I ni, for reassurance. That's what I mean by community approval. It is normal for people to feel mega insecure, ye lah..belajar kuat-kuat tapi nanti tak pass, tak ke sakit jiwa?

JT jawab..oooo, gitukah Makji? Ye lah..gitu lah.

Tapi biasalah...some people don't like to be told and reminded that they're insecure. Mega chip stucked in their shoulders since birth.

JT tanya, so who have you annoyed Makji? I said, plenty people lah...yang tak kena kata pun paranoid yang bukan-bukan.

So, are you upset, Makji? Takdelah upset, menyampah aje.

Ye...menyampah aje.Menyampah sungguh. Nyah kau dari sini, Kiah.

P/s I think someone got confused between Dr Evil and Austion Powers. Dr Evil punya trademark taruk jari kelingking tepi mulut and Austin Powers punya trademark senyum mulut ternganga. Tak malu....salah konsep!

Update

This guy at work, yang memang telah ku suspect sedang mengalami mid life crisis left a message for me to call him. Urgent katanya.

We are not that close (I am not close to anyone) but when our path crossed (bila I pergi jumpa Makcik Pakiam) he will make sure that we should have coffee together kat area-area Holland Park tu, so that we can discuss about stuff. Dia ni pandai you all...takdelah pandai macam orang yang ada settee empuk tu but he is sure well read that I am so convinced that he knows everything. So I think, besides my father and Frankie, Pakcik ni memanglah pandai...kan ke I suka kawan dengan orang pandai, taklah aku nampak bodoh kan, Kiah?

I have not been seeing Makcik Pakiam for a while, as dia tu khabarnya sedated habis-habisan dengan Respiridal Consta ittew, but I was given a message yang dia dah balik normal unit dia and I can start working with her as usual. So I saw her last Thursday. But I'll tell you about that in my next posting...kalau kaki I tak sakit (what does this really mean, huh?)

So, during coffee, this guy told me about a woman he met and is much younger than him. He is very captivated by her charm and eloquence. (Aiyo...jantan bila tahap kegatalan dah tahap Ferrari, lembu menguak pun dikata jelita jua) Katanya pompuan tu dah kahwin. Si Pakcik ni pun dah kahwin jua. So, apa ke hal nya sampai gigih nak cerita kat I?

So, terpesona punya pasal, he asked her out for dinner and she has accepted, tapi sekarang Pakcik ni macam dah risau that he might jeorpadise their marriages (ehem..their? Seia sekata nampak?) Pakcik ni kata he just want to be friends, but he does not want any problems.

I tanya dia, can you not just go and have dinner without fussing about it? Maybe because you fuss, that's why you worry. So, stop worrying and eat lah..abis cerita.

Pakcik said my view is too easy. Because it is. I do it all the time, although I takdelah gi makan dengan laki orang berdua-dua an, selalunya will be selori of us, and majority nya memang laki bini orang jugak. And he still worry.

I kind of sense there could be more than just platonic date. I told him that a lot of affairs starts with two married people meeting up for an intimate supper. It's exciting, maklumlah, men can get fascinated with his new 'lady friend' at work, sophisticated lah, mungil lah...pandai menjahit lah...tak banyak cakap or cool, tak macam bini saya yang bossy yang kerja hanya tidur kat opis. But face it, a man rarely invites a woman out unless he fancies her as well. It could develop into an affair and complicate the friendship.

I asked him, will you tell your wife? Pakcik diam aje. So I suspect not but if you can tell her and she doesn't mond you wining and dining another woman, then fine. But only if you're certain you will never be more than just good friends.

I pun suggest, why don't you invite your wife as well, jadik lah couple friends kan? Tak katanya, as he think a man should have a female friends as well as a male friends yang wife takleh masuk campur.

Ade ke yang macam ni?

I suppose it is okay, kalau partner you extra sporting. I'm sure if it were me, I wouldn't mind as I really value my me time, so berpoyalah kau tanpa batasan and I can focus on watching Friends and Frasier tanpa bosan.

But the fact that this Pakcik is worrying about it, beg the question, adakah dia rasa dia perlu untuk re invent dirinya sebagai Mamat Macho and decide to ditch his bookworm clever guy reputation?

You never know with men, kan?

Agony Makji

To those who sent private emails asking for advice, I am sorry I can't be any help. Laptop I sakit kuat, bertambah sakit lagi bila PC World decided to hire a Customer Service yang berkerak telinga nya, sampaikan nombor phone I pun salah salin. After few days I called, katanya no work had taken place, nak tunggu confirmation itu ini. So, dah dekat 2 minggu I tanpa PC, nak harapkan PC office yang dikontrol oleh HQ, kang habislah rahsia ku terbukak.

I do not know what is happening around me anymore, apart from my menu for tonight or whether or not, I still have socks to wear. Too busy to know or to care about anything else.I was told that we now have a new PM. Eh, boleh ke jadik PM after case Puncak Alam tu? And Khairy Jamaluddin is the new Ketua Pemuda? Not that I care but I anticipate bila I balik kampung nanti, my cousins yang konon nya orang kuat orang Rembau tu akan menjobo lah macam nak rak.

But who cares? Bad people is everywhere and they get away with things. It is good to bless with muka penyapu, say what you have to say and act like nothing happen.

You really got to have a gut like a battler to see through all this...masalah rumahtangga, cinta tak berbalas, politikus etc etc.Orang mengata, orang mengambik kesempatan...and laki yang tak pandai nak appreciate bini. I am not good at giving advice, but hidup ni kenkadang tak boleh jugak nak kena dengar cakap orang or cakap hati sendiri.You really have to be thinking smart although we cannot always get a clever result, but we got to choose what works.

Given my past form, I can be a bit of a battler and a bolter. I do not know why people opted to stay in a relationship for the sake of their children, as children may always have their parents (unless kau bunuh bapaknya)

The expert mostly would suggest, if there's a betrayal, provided if you can move past it, please please do not attempt to stay in a relationship with you in two minds.You're likely to get suggestions like, run away from this sign of trouble. If you stay, there's a chance that you might completely withdrawn from your partner emotionally and physically. In the end, one party want to be friends (a masterstroke of passive-aggresive). Seriously, you really can't be friends with someone you don't like. I tried...how I should listen to me...(eh, ni problem lain lak ni)

With people that have hurt you, there will be nothing friendly about being friends.Before you can laugh at his/her stupid joke and now, you may even struggle to talk politely.They loves you...katanya, but not in the way they used to. In the end it become, they're there-but not there.

From experience, being a battler can really change you. It has kept me silent and alone. It is you against the world (as in the kawan-kawan yang dari azali tak berkenan dengan your choice of a partner) You keep thinking, yes...he is worth loving and what if he comes out of this and love me again? (Yeah...they will jilat pasir when they promise you this) You're absolutely in denial, but sometimes denial is a good strategy. It gives you time to weigh what you really want. The spurned person should stay steady and listens carefully.

If your laki happens to have extra money set-set Datuk K, yes, you would have preferred the wealth for security anak-anaklah konon nya. You might then hoping that your relationship will work out, right up to the end. When is the end? Kalau laki you ada heart problem, at least you know you can count on ular plastik, but kalau jantan bangsa puaka setan nirrojim lambat mati? Can you really be living in a situation so toxic?

Emotion often clouds the decision making process, same as it clouded everything in your head. There's always a risk of us regretting the decision we made. Battlers usually craving for connection and if they stop trying and hoping and make a drastic exit, they are facing a lifetime of regret, blaming themselves for not trying harder or give the siamang the 2nd chance.

Men usually regret splitting up (ni adalah kata-kata penjilat pasir yang berkaliber sebelum dia mati) He said that the practical male brain will want to cut and run bila bermasalah but down the line (or after tersedar dari lamunan yang pompuan yang dia dok gila-gila tu, adalah species yang sama dengan dotdotdot) he finds that the grass is more emphatically not greener.

When you relationship hits serious problems, it has to be re negotiated if it's to work again, which is difficult bila laki kita tu bangsa yang lebih rela cakap dengan kawan se opis dari you sendiri. Lama-lama, your built up anger has become so corrosive, sometime you feel nak cakap pun tak guna.

So, buatlah keputusan dengan sebijaknya. Jangan ikut sangat cakap hati or suara-suara paranoid schidzophrenia diri sendiri yang selalu rasa orang mengata or benci kat you.We always want to come across the good one, so benda-benda bangang tu janganlah nak diikutkan sangat.

I hope this is a good advice.

P/s Celakalah kamu yang mengata aku ittew dan membuat demand. Kau tu pun bilalah nak hupdate nya?