This Is Your Life....My Friend.

Lelawati...(nama sebenar tapi you all tak kan tau lah siapa sebenarnya dia ni sebab berlambak orang dalam dunia ni namanya Lelawati) adalah bekas rakan sepermainan saya. Like any other Garrison girls, we play every innocent games any girls our age would play...so Kiah, kalau kau ingat rakan sepermainan itu hanya bermain benda-benda yang mungkar...I think you must be mistaken us for bebudak TKC (yang suka bermain-main sesama sendiri ittew)

My relationship with Lelawati is a bit hit and miss. Lelawati a careerwoman with a career in her opis and a career in her another opis i.e. partnership with her husband. In her real opis, Lelawati is overseeing a big department with 15 staff and at her another opis, she and her husband has produced 3 kids and of course, overseeing them as well.

Lelawati hardly ever talk to people...and her hubby is one of them.Once in a while she would email me tanya khabar.

Couple of years ago when she was pregnant with her 2nd baby, she came across something that enough to make any other pregnant wife homicidal.Lelawati was away on a course and hubby was looking after their kids.Lelawati said that one night when she was away,she dreamt about her eldest son crying. So she came home a day early than expected.Balik rumah dekat nak tengah malam..and being the mummy that she is, of course lah sebelum mencari laki, misti nak check on anak dulu. Her anak was okay.

Then she check on their Bapak...suffice to say that their bolster is nowhere to be seen but have now been replaced with a human body and the Bapak is on top of her.

Lelawati never said anything to anyone...and after giving birth to her 3rd baby, she told me that she is leaving the husband. This is only recent.

Because she mintak cerai, the hubby pun apa la lagi..terus mengamuk and began his smearing campaign.Lelawati ada affair lah...dah tak sedar diri lah..lupa rumahtangga lah..tak kenang jasa lah.I don't know if this is typical but lumrah jantan, bila apa yang dikendong bakal berciciran...mulalah terjadinya adegan-adegan menghoyan.Tak cukup dengan menghoyan 24 jam...the husband telah mereport kat mak ayah mertua nya (parents Lelawati) hah kau, habis seisi keluarga Lelawati sekarang dok pakat memulau pinang kan Lelawati.

I am very honoured to be one of her trusted mate and she told me everything. Lelawati is concsious that she is about to lose everything...the kids..the harta sepencarian..and everything they owned together.Lelawati even told me that the Mahkamah Syariah even tell her off for wanting to mintak fasakh.

They ridiculed her reason....they said...dah takde perasaan kasih sayang is not enough to warrant a divorce.

I asked Lelawati....is it because of what you saw that you decided to end your marriage? Tidak katanya...memanglah masa nampak lakinya mengongkek pompuan lain dia rasa nak parang laki nya tu. Tapi..hati masih cinta katanya...biarpun terluka.

Lelawati said that their marriage grew stronger after the illicit affair, probably the husband rasa bersalah and terkena penyakit 'giljap' aka 'gila sekejap'...(penyakit yang menyerang lelaki yang dah berkahwin) or the husband realised that too much is at stake here dengan anak-anak, harta, family etc. So both really made the effort to make a go of the marriage.

Tapi pada suatu pagi yang hening 3,4 bulan yang lalu, Lelawati bangun tidur and terus rasa menyampah gila kat laki nya.She told her husband and packed her bag. Knowing her weakness, laki kata you takleh ambik anak...and to his surprise, Lelawati kata...okaylah.They're your children too but I will still be their mother.They'll find me.Ceh...laki dah takleh cakap apa dah.

Lelawati see her kids whenever they want to see her and she now live happily alone walaupun segala manusia dah memandang serong kat dia.Lelawati told me in one of her email...'I don't know why...the feeling is no longer there and I just had to leave'.

Lelawati still never told anyone about the adegan Chua Soi Lek lakinya tu....

2 days ago, Lelawati emailed me....'I could have wait until anak-anak besar and find my own way...am I too selfish?'

I replied. I told her what I think.

'You have stop loving him after that night. What it was is a transition period.You took your time and you follow your heart.Kadang2 orang lain berfikir masa hati tengah panas...never gave their heart the chance to sejuk and berfikir.Maybe, the only selfish bit in this is that you didn't involved him in the transition process...and he is not prepared.'

Am I doing the right thing?

I suppose...it is him that you don't love, not your children.Don't be scared. This is your life.

(But I still think you should tell the world what a nasty piece of work he was...pergi bawak pompuan lain masuk bilik when anak-anak tengah tidur...)

Kelab Jiwa Luka

Macam-macam perkara berlaku recently ni....

1.Can You Forgive And Forget?
Kadang-kadang boleh forgive tapi takleh forget.Ada pulak yang dah forget tapi takleh forgive...(ada ke macam ni?) Ye mmg ada...especially dalam kes hutang-hutang lapuk ni.I'm quite generous with my money...ni bukan kes generous yang asyik nak menderma aje tu.I am blessed with cepat kesian heart...plus I tak pandai menipu terang-terangan.If orang nak pinjam duit, I tak reti cakap I takde duit...duit takdelah banyak..tapi ada lah.I am not cut become 'Ah Long' either...selalunya bila I dah memberi tu, harapan dalam hati..macam mana ikhlas nya I memberi..macam tulah kena bertanggungjawabnya you bayar balik.I tak reti nak tuntut-tuntut, ugut potong tangan or sending over heavies.And sipenghutang selalunya...bila sipembagi hutang nya bangsa yang macam I ni..(menuntut gaya telepathy) mulalah akan diserang amnesia and worst bit, dissapear from the face of the earth.I saw a familar face recently and tup-tup, I teringat yang sipolan ni ada berhutang dengan I...dek kerna lapuknya hutang tu, I pun dah lupa and dengan muka-muka sipenghutang tu pun I dah ingat-ingat lupa.Tapi..hati tetap panas dan tak dapat nak memaafkan...so, itulah example nya forget but can't forgive.Sewel kan aku ni? One of this blog reader mengemukakan soklan..camana nak melupa dan memaafkan..I nak aje cakap, apasal la you tanya I soklan ni.Bukannya apa, I takdelah pandai nak bagi jawapan..pasalnya I ni pun set-set pendendam juga...kalau hati panas mau ku bakar rumah orang yang menyakitkan hati ku.But I ni, cakap aje besar...habis-habis pun takdelah nak commit arson attack...penant mengumpat sampai mulut keluar super busa aje lah. I think, best advice would be...to let go of past hurts and mend the broken relationship...tak kiranya lah relationship dengan orang ataupun dengan diri sendiri.Try not to get hung up on why.You can forgive someone without understanding why they hurt you.Demanding explanation can be pointless as they may not know the reason themselves.Maybe what you can say is that 'I don't know why you did that but I can accept that it happened and try to move on'. However, I can't be sure if this applies to kecurangan laki/bini/bf/gf. I for one cannot just move on from kena tipu just like that...or can you? It is not as simple as you kena tampar dengan pakwe/makwe masa tengah-tengah angin...you can passed that as the moment of temporary insanity, don't know what get into me stuff like that.Kalau kalau dah pandai and dalam keadaan sedar committing adultery or aksi-aksi lucah, what else can you blame it on apart from nafsu buaya mu ittew? Another thing you can do is to let go of the blame. Forgiveness is a contract between 2 people, sorang janji taknak buat lagi and sorang lagi janji tak nak ungkit.However, there will always be trigger points that remind you of that pain.Establish a way to discuss how you feel at those moments, without bringing up what happened.If you're upset, you may suspect someone of faking an apology...or kalau yang dah tertangkap tu, terus bersumpah demi Allah bagai...you know lah some people will just saying the words to get things back on track.We have to have clear mind..kalau nak maafkan, maafkan saja...takyah gi pikir sipolan ni sajaaa je cakap nak bagi I sejuk hati.Kalau dia menipu, what can you do? Try to accept their apology without suspicion, think of the crucial platform for further communication.Once they know you accept their regret in genuine, you can start to rebuild the relationship.The hard part of forgiving is feeling vulnerable to future betrayal,as there's no guarantee they won't hurt you again.Restoring trust is tough but vulnerability is the key to intimacy.Try to see it as a necessity towards mending the relationship.Kalau dok what if, what if aje, susahlah you nak get close again.

2. I got very angry 2days ago...the pressure of work dicampur pulak dengan perangai-perangai Boss-Boss besar yang macam puaka.As a foreigner...(or is it just me) kadang-kadang terasa jugak diri ni dipergunakan...mentang2 lah I ni tak pandai nak menjawab cakap Boss...tak kisah attitude...all Malaysia boleh thingy.So pada satu malam yang hening...selepas hati luka membaca email-email Boss yang akin to email majikan kepada hamba abdi...I sent out my resignation notice.Hari ni tadi...my assistant telephoned me, katanya CPB telepon dia cuba nak korek-korek apa halnya sampai I nak resign ni.Dalam hati I...ohh..dengan I tak nak tanya...my assistant cakap CPB is worried about me (hah..baru kau rasa..) and my other colleague dah dari semalam memujuk. Tapi apakan daya...hatiku dah terluka.I am so dissapointed with the way I was treated.Sampai hati sesiapa yang kasar dengan I tu....

3. I keep thinking about my dead ex lately ni.....tak tahulah kenapa.Like I said earlier...forgive and forget, ikut orang jugak.I think I am grieving...tapi apa ke hal nya? Bukannya baru kena tinggal semalam.Dah berzaman....

If Only...

Statement 1.

Saya tak pernah menyeru ataupun menggalakkan penulis kain menulis blog nya dalam bahasa kebangsaan (in my term, bahasa kebangsaan ialah penggunaa bahasa malaysia yang baik serta betul and tanpa adanya unsur carut maruts) Saya menulis dalam bahasa tak kebangsaan ini bersebab. Salah satu daripadanya ialah saya telah terkantoi.Saya juga selalu mengutuk orang-orang sekeliling saya dan demi mengelakkan perasaan murka dan adegan bermasam muka, maka terpaksalah saya menulis dalam bahasa tidak-kebangsaan.


Statement 2.

Saya telah nyatakan yang saya sekarang ini amat sibuk. Kepada mereka-mereka yang semenjak dua menjak ni dah rajin hupdate blog sendiri, perlu diingat, hidup ini ada putaran roda nya.Kadang-kadang atas dan kengkadang bawah.Mentang2 kau ada diatas dan dah rajin hupdate, janganlah kau sesekali mengutuk konsep sawang orang yang dibawah.



Cerita Selanjutnya.

With the recent event yang berlaku kat England sekarang ni (well, actually it happened last year) I am quite wary to tell people what I do for a living.Cepat betul orang nak panas hati. With the Brits attitude yang hanya pandai nak menuding jari...it is normal when there's an incident, masa tu lah masing-masing nak bukak mata pun.


Little Peter Conolly died over a year ago.He lives under the system, the same systems that pay salary to people like me.The system that was entrusted to care/change/control the damage of any potential risk.Many was saddened.I knew about it long before it was publicised.

Generally, I was expected to know it all.Just because I am in the system. I was chatting with someone long ago that how he was ridden with anxiety around me as I may 'analysed' him.

I am no expert.I am finding truth about the world myself.I have problems in many areas like any other person.It is just that I am trained to facilitate people understanding their life.But does does not make mine any better.

We have different attitude in life.Some just want theirs to be completely perfect and in some sense allow it to be fake.Some just flow like water, get whats given and ocassionally menongkah arus.We cannot telll what we really are because we are still living and this attitude change as we change our mind.

I helped some people to make decision and to the extent, I decided what is best for their life. But like any other human, I bound to make bad and wrong decision.

I have numbers of people died under my care.I'm not sure if the decision I made contributed to their demise but the only reason I can still go to sleep at night is by telling myself, that we can only hope that we do our best.

Peter, or Baby P, died helplessly when everyone that knows his plight tried hard to save him.As much as people like to blame or do the 'I told you so'...we can't help to fall for fool, for lies that presented to us.

There's a news today about a mental patient yang dah kena discharged 2 weeks ago and sekarang ni tengah bergumbira merompak and menikam orang.Some will say, dah tau gila, apasal bagi lepas...

Just because dia gila...tak semestinya dia kena kurung 24 jam. And kalau tak dilepas, macam mana pulak kita nak tau yang dia dah okay?


Kesimpulannnya, macam mana kita berjaga-jaga pun...kita akan tertipu and sometime bila terpaksa, akan menipu.We can't help it.

I will be visiting Peter's final resting place this Saturday...tak banyak sikit, terasa guilty juga.There's always, if only....if only...


RIP.

Diari Seorang Yang Sibuk

Monday - 10th November

Boss I si Cik Puan Besar, telah telephone I pagi-pagi buta, (to me, kalau Boss cari pukul 8.30 am to kira pagi-pagi buta laa...kan ke standard orang kerja pukul 9am?) CPB cakap dia nak jumpa I and mintak I datang ke Dorset dengan segera.I cakap...cakap dalam telephone tak boleh ke? Takk..nak jugak buat meeting tergempak.Dia suruh I cancel appoinment-appoinment I yang ada and katanya mesti kena jumpa dia jugak. Meeting dengan CPB disulami dengan kata-kata carutan...dimana CPB telah bengang sangat dengan sorang colleague I.Nasib baik meeting 2 jam...so dapatlah I balik ke London sebelum 5pm.Tapi penat nya..tuhan aje yang tahu. I cakap dengan CPB, I nak cuti on Tuesday...tapi I tak cakap depan dia.I cakap kat dalam email yang I hantar pukul 6.30pm...diikuti dengan penutupan mobile phone, supaya orang takleh cari...lantaklah kalau CPB nak marah pun.I got 2 missed call from Reading Prodigy.I dah nak balik ke rumah si Tua ittew..maka, segala pertanyaan remeh-temeh si Debab itu tak kan dapat lah nak ku layan.Saya telahpun ambil pendekatan tutup mobile phone.Kalau Reading Prodigy nak menyumpah seranah saya, maka silakan lah.Akan saya uruskan bila saya kembali active.

Tuesday 11th November

Seperti yang telah diplan oleh Si Tua ittew (paksa rela ni) kami berdua pergi ke Emirates tengok bola.I tak berapa suka..pasalnya, kat TV pun ada live, kenapa perlu ber somput-somput nak pergi bergasak-gasak dengan penonton bola yang kuat mencarut ittew?Orang kata...kita kena buat pengorbanan dalam rumahtangga...maka ini lah pengorbanan saya.Malam semalam si Tua ittew telah membuat pengorbanan besar iaitu meneman saya makan kat Nando's.Perlu diingat, Si Tua itu adalah pemakan sayur yang taat.Kerana chenta, dia membiarkan saya membaham 1/2 chicken extra hot ittew depan dia tanpa memberi lecture.So, kalau dia boleh berkorban demikian sekali, apalah salahnya saya mencemar duli pergi tengok bola dalam kesejukan malam? Walaupun pada hakikatnya..saya lebih rela tidur and ber Facebook.

Wednesday 12th November

I waved goodbye to Si Tua...diiringi dengan janji manis yang saya akan jumpa dia pada hari Khamis. Saya hidupkan kembali telephone bimbit saya.Orang bawahan saya beri laporan yang seorang pesakit telah memecahkan cermin kereta orang sebelah rumah berikutan sessi mengawan yang tak dapat dielakkan.Orang bawahan saya kata orang sebelah rumah nak report Police.Aiyoo..saya tak suka masuk kes Police ni...bukannya apa...nanti pesakit saya ittew akan ditahan and kalau tak kena gaya, dia akan dimasukkan ke ward.Bila dah masuk ward, seperti biasa, segala authority akan menyalahkan Team kami...tak jaga betul2 lah...tak observant dengan apa-apa distress signs lah.Seperti biasa (kerana benda-benda camni selalu sangat berlaku dalam unit kami bekerja) I telah mengadap neighbour kami yang cermin keretanya pecah ittew.Saya minta tolong..minta maaf dan sebagai nya...maka dia pun tak jadi nak press charge.Saya uruskan laporan Police supaya dia boleh claim insurance...dan saya paksa si budak jahat tu mintak mahap dengan dia.

Pada sebelah petangnya, si pompuan menghoyan tu buat hal lagi...sampai saya terpaksa 'manhandled' dia dan masuk kan dia dalam biliknya.Dengan tak professional nya, saya ugut dia..kalau kau buat lagi perangai hantu tu, siap lah awak!!! Ini sungguhlah bertentangan dengan etika kerja..tapi saya peduli hapa...takde orang dengar dan pesakit ini ialah pathological liar.Dia suka menipu..so kalaulah dia kata saya ugut dia, tak mengkin orang akan percaya.Itulah kelebihan saya..tapi sungguhlah tidak bermoral perbuatan saya itu.Ampun tuhan.Dalam pada saya sibuk dan stress, sempat saya hupdate blog.Saya bukan malas macam orang ittew.

Sebelah malam nya, saya ber chat-chat pulak dalam Facebook dengan orang Bayswater yang penat-penat datang sekarang dah nak balik pulak.Gata! Kami berjanji nak jumpa...saya sungguh confident saya free hari esok nya tapi CPB hantar message suruh saya berada di Crawley (East Sussex) pukul 10pagi.Terpaksa saya tukar time date tu ke pukul 2...tapi dalam hati saya tahu, kalau dah meeting dengan CPB...habis2 pun pukul 12, macam manalah saya nak sampai London pukul 2? Saya tidak ada Batmobile!!!

Thursday 13th November

Saya terpaksa meminjam Batmobile MB1...itu saja caranya saya boleh sampai Crawley pukul 10 pagi.Batmobile MB1 memang lajuuu..tapi saya bukanlah pemandu yang laju.Tapi nasib baik saya sempat sampai on time, kalau tak CPB akan menembak saya dengan mulut lasernya.Meeting kali ini sungguh mengejutkan...saya ditelah diarahkan bekerja di Exeter selama 3 bulan, untuk menangani krisis kat situ.Macam celaka.CPB mintak tolong...dia suka cara saya bekerja (cewwahhh) dan kata segala pegawai2 atasan yang lain mahu saya menolong project ittew.Saya kata saya kena berbincang dengan partner saya...saya telepon si Tua, and si Tua kata, dia tetap menyokong saya walau dimana pun saya bekerja...terus saya rasa bersalah.Saya selalu mementingkan kerja dari si Tua ittew...tapi nak buat macam mana? Si Tua tu kalau dilayan sangat pun, mahu berbunuhan juga nanti.

Saya terpaksa mengensel Org Bayswater...saya tak tahu bila saya boleh jumpa dia..obviously, saya kena siapkan action plan bagai..buat hand over, melantik pemangku..macam-macam.Saya bekerja-dan bekerja..tau-tau dah pukul 10 malam..dan saya takut pulak nak naik tube pergi ke Finsbury Park memalam ni...saya tidur rumah MB1...(sambil menipu si Tua kata saya tidur kat Opis)

Friday/Saturday

Sibuk-sibuk-sibuk.Dalam pada sibuk..saya bergaduh dengan si Tua.Saya telah mengompliment adalah sorang pelakon Eastenders ni..(alaa..yang anak tiri nya tido dengan bapak tiri dia tu...) saya kata, pandai pelakon tu nyanyi lagu untuk Children In Needs.Maka si Tua terus kata...kalau kau suka sangat kat dia..kau shag lah dia...cilaka!!!! Terus saya tak jumpa-jumpa si Tua.

Hari ni, saya ada buat kerja last minute di opis. Besok saya akan berangkat ke Dorset.Saya akan cuba update sekerap yang boleh.Tapi saya takleh janji...

Saya doakan orang ittew...dapatlah replacement orang gaji nya...kalau tak pun...have your children fostered/adopted.Senang cerita.Aduhhh..itu nasihat puaka.

Siapa Yang Malu? Mereka Dan Keluarga Mereka...

Reading Prodigy called me....at last.To apologise that is.I have now resigned to the fact that he is mentally ill and emotionally disturbed.This is what PHD does to you...nasib baik lah I ni tak pandai...and takde tokoh nak buat PHD or I will be receiving the same fate as Reading Prodigy.

He is so lucky that I am so used to berkomunikasi dengan orang-orang yang macam dia juga...so whatever the stunt he pulled is like a repetitive behaviour.No one...apart from his mother I would assume, will give him any time in a day.He is so lucky that I can now conclude his action as permasaalahan sosial yang sungguh sial.

Tetapi kesabaran saya ada batasan nya dan dia itu sungguh bernasib baik yang sabar saya belum lagi berbatas...tunggulah musim saya pulak akan meghoyan.

Not wanting (again) to bruise his ego, I did not bring up any past events yang boleh memalukan dirinya yang debab tu.He hangs up the phone, he whinges,he naik angin tak tentu pasal. He will not be in my case for long...maybe in one or two years he finished his PHD and berambus balik kampung...or worst, he will join the rest of the Bridgend Society.For you readers who don't live in the UK, Bridgend is a kampung in Wales yang majority penduduk nya mempunyai hobi membunuh diri.Tuhan aje lah yang tau kenapa...gaya hidup masakini kot?

Because Reading Prodigy is very intellectual, he is conscious of his surroundings.He said sorry...I said, okay.I reminded him the fact yang I ni bekerja makan gaji.Not only that I makan gaji, my working pattern sungguhlah tak serupa orang so, I takde masa nak ber power-power nap bagai masa lunch time.Ataupun mengikut petikan kiriman SMS seorang ahli professional ni kepada saya 'We dentist at %&*M not only have to see patient, we have other things to do...'.Other things to do like..tidur tanpa gangguan dalam opis or check out sale kat KLCC kan? Tu diahh...menyindir!

Reading Prodigy told me that he is lonely...(adakah kau rasa itu masalah aku?) and that he needs a friend/someone to talk to.Well, we have heard this all before didn't we? In psychological/medical terms, this is echolalia.Yakni bercakap benda yang sama sepanjang masa.

Unless you memang bangsa yang memilih, I think men are generally sociable.Kalau tidak, masakan kita ada masalah rumahtangga sana-sini dalam dunia ni.They invent so many terms...kawan tapi mesra lah...married but available lah...hubungan tak lebih dari sahabat dalam dunia seni lah...hish..macam2.

I tanya Reading Prodigy, tak kan lah you takde kawan kat sinun.Pakcik tu kata, ada tapi bukan bangsa yang dia boleh meluahkan perasaan nya...(I tak pernah pun cakap you boleh meluah perasaan kat I..tapi you luah jugak)

I told Reading prodigy that it is unfair to have expectation on people especially nowadays all of us have a problem of our own.Plus, apa lagi yang nak diluahkan...you made your decision.Fine.This is the consequences of your decision, maka kenalah face the problem head on.I told him that he should count himself lucky that his soon-to-be ex wife is far back home that she can't even datang menyerang dia bawak reporter sekali.

I keep telling him to ask himself apa lagi yang dia nak? He got himself out from an unhappy marriage (katanya), I pointed out that maybe she should not pikir sangat pasal tuntutan harta sepencarian tu (kau tu bukannya Donald Trump pun) and whatever he may think, wife is rightly so to tuntut.

Although Reading Prodigy macam pandai kata..alah..you bukan lawyer...you tak tahu hal-hal tuntutan rumahtangga ni (oh really?) I cakap dengan dia (walaupun tangan ku menggigil nak cucuk bijik matanya) okay, I am no expert but...you married her voluntarily, she accepted you thinking that you're the one warts and all.You now decided, you didn't love her enough to continue having future together...and you are now saying that it was a mistake marrying her.It is your mistake and not hers.So whatever it is, you dragged her into this and she could have a better life if it is not because of you.Can you feel her embarassment now? Being dumped just like that? You ingat perempuan tak malu ke kena cerai?

But, that's all mine.She never contributed to anything, how dare she asked to have 1/2 of everything?

I did not answer him back.Reading Prodigy got big headed almost immediately 'see, you can't answer me back..I know I am right..'

Okaylah..if you think so.But can I just remind you that miserliness is so off putting.

Emosi Yang Tidak Terkawal

Berikut adalah kejadian-kejadian dimana saya telah gagal melawan emosi.

Kejadian Pertama - Tesco Earl's Court
Ish...tak tahulah pulak semenjak dua-menjak ni segala cashier-mashier kat supermarket ke, Hypermarket hatta Sweet Shop kepunyaan sedara Datuk Shah Rukh Khan kat London ni dah start membelek-belek duit kertas kepunyaan paying customer didepan muka paying customer ittew sendiri.Aparraaa....Ada jugak 1,2 kali bila I singgah kedai beli Diet Coke and Makcik empunya (could be) kedai itu mula menyelak-menoropong duit kertas I. It has never bothered me that much until semalam, when I pergi Tesco to buy sokabar The Sun. (psstt..Kiah, aku bukan tengok Pg 3 ye...if you must know I only buy The Sun newspaper on Saturday only sebab aku suka baca TV Magazine nya..harap maklum). Because I only have one item to pay, I opted the main counter..ala...tempat display ciggarettes tu.This old bag, mula lah start belek-belek my £10 note.Politely I apologised for not having smaller change. Lagi aku apologised, lagi digasaknya belek-belek duit I.Tak cukup dengan raba-raba hujung,tepi,atas bawak duit tu...she took the trouble to walk back to the nearest illumination, place the money near to the light to double check.I look at her.Thought she would berpuas hati by now.No.She walk to the next counter and asked her colleague to double check.

Excuse me, is there a problem? -----------> I asked dengan muka yang macam puaka.
No, not at all, love. ---------------> Dia jawab dengan muka yang takde apa-apa.

I betul2 panas hati...walaupun takde kejadian bergaduh depan reporter or anyone menitiskan air mata, sepanjang hari jugak mood I telah bertukar dari Pope Benedict to Robert Mugabe.Not to mention how the woman made me feel like aku ni ketua sindiket pengeluaran wang palsu.I rasa nak cakap aje dengan pompuan tu, if lah aku ni ada kilang cetak duit and of course lah kalau dah kerja mencetak duit sure nya aku kaya-raya, does she really think that I am going to shop at that poxy TESCO?

Kejadian Kedua-Kat Opis
The Reading prodigy is back with his old tricks...as in muncul secara tiba-tiba kat area I bekerja, telling me he is in the area and ajak I keluar minum kopi.With the current weather, coffee invite sounds very appealing.I may not like the company very much but who will say no to Cafe Nero time-time kejap hujan kejap angin kuat ni.Pakcik tu takde consideration ke yang I ni makan gaji and working with company that does not belongs to my father? Dia tu tatau ke I bukan macam some people yang ada proclivity to tido kat opis pada waktu bekerja?

I have been very busy...sampaikan nak bebughak dengan Org Bayswater pun is a hit and miss. Tu tak termasuk janji-janji palsu yang ditabur kat not-so-desperate-hoswipe kat Hull ittew.I told him that it is a shame that I'm busy and he is available.So I wish him fun minum kopi sensorang and hoping that will all the luck (he needs it) dia akan jumpa Kelly Brooke lookalike.

I am now certain that he is a hermaphrodite.With his mood swings I am sure he is experiencing the mentruation cycle.Paling tidak pun...dia mesti penghidap Bipolar Manic Depression yang tengah mengalami mood yang macam celaka.Dia boleh naik angin you....he went on and on about people letting him down brokbrekbrokbrek.Lupa ke dia yang dia tu yang ajak aku keluar? Tu kira nasib baik lah I tak buat aksi-aksi pelachorr kelas atasan dealing with penniless punter.

Surprisingly, I diam saja and let him get on with it and this time, he has the honour of hanging up the phone.I think I can just brush that off as kes-kes meghoyan yang I selalu nampak dalam secure unit but I must have been suffering from a delayed reaction where after 5 hours kejadian serangan dilokasi pengambaran tu berlaku...hati I jadi panas sepanasnya and habis satu tub Hagen Daas I kerjakan.Talking about nak menguruskan badan lepas makan berkoyan kat KL.

Kejadian Ketiga
MB sekarang ni dah gila Facebook. Tu lah..padan muka.Dulu masa I dengan MB2 pujuk2 dia bukan account, dia kata buang masa lah, tak kuasa lah...macam-macam.Tapi bila segala kengkawan dia kat KL ada Facebook, maka dengan muka tak malunya dia suruh I create account untuk dia.I was stopping at her place pada satu hari yang malang and she asked to borrow my laptop, katanya dia nak check Facebook and MB2 is using her laptop.Unsuspectingly, I pun kasi lah..but at the same time charging my Ipod using the USB port.

Keesokan harinya on my way to work, bila I nak pasang Ipod, alangkah terperanjatnya I yang Ipod I dah kosong!!! It turned out that habis lelagu I telah di wiped out kan segala tak sengaja oleh MB.Ayoyo..kadawale...kadawale.I had to reset the whole thing again and resubmit all songs...and that caused me two sleepless nights.Menitik-nitik air mata I...mengenangkan habis lelagu yang I purchased from I-Tunes hilang begitu saja....I really cried sampai mata bengkak.Tak sangka begitu sekali hatiku terluka.


Sekian.

(Dengan ini dijuga..diharapkang Capt Lukman dapat lah mengantar kembali lagu mayang sari ittewww...sambil pose-pose berdoa selepas semayang ishtikarah mintak petunjuk perlukah aku kahwin dua)

And When I Have Promised Not To Talk About Marriage...

You can't help to mengalami hari-hari yang macam celaka sometimes...

My Boss si Cik Puan Besar (CPB) is on annual leave. Sebagai seorang hipokrit yang berkaliber, I told her to enjoy her leave unbeknown to her, sepanjang ketiadaan nya kat area I bekerja ni,me and my South London counterpart tak henti-henti membatu apikan diri sendiri to no longer do her any favour and or to help the company. We tell ourselves, CPB semestinya maggi bergaji more than 40,000k a year and for all that money, she may as well swallow all the poo herself (Wah!!! sadissss!!!)

While I was away, one of my patient was severely challenging and the men (see, my unit comprised of 2 females...yang bertenaga jantan and 3 males, yang mulut mengalahkan pompuan.) was having massive problems with her. Masuk-masuk aje I kat opis, CPB mulalah mengomplen bahawa jantan-jantan yang telah I amanahkan menjaga unit ini tak berhenti-henti merengek kat CPB and to another relief Manager. Itu susah, ini susah.

The patient, a female, who is autistic with mental retardation rose to reign of terror and menurut report yang dipersembahkan kepada ku masa I tengah happy berpoya-poya dengan gang-gang bini orang kat KL, the men have no other option but to have her sedated whenever she 'plays up'.

I tanya jejantan ni...apa ke masalah nya sampai hari-hari kena keluar PRN? (Prescribe When Necessary) Jawapan yang diberikan sungguhlah bangang sampai I rasa nak rotan aje jantan-jantan bertiga ittew.Not only that their 'stupidity' is becoming very clear by the second, jantan-jantan ittew boleh pulak menyalahkan sesama sendiri.Imagine, one female supervisor (aku la tu) in a board meeting with 3 men and the 3 pin pointing each other, making all that noise like bunch of horny cats.

The last 2 weeks was a strain..(dalam-dalam busy, boleh lagi I menjaga tepi kain Abby & Norman) and that really made me think, berbaloikah the work, the responsibilities it carries and the gaji?

While I was away, si Tua tu terbaca my blog (terbaca ke sengaja investigate old browsing history I?) and come across my post about how I'm still digging on my ex. I don't remember writing it all in English and tah macam mana si Tua dah put 2 and 2 together and came up with 4.5...

Selepas itu, of course seperti Norman & Abby, kami bergaduh lah dengan dia syak yang I selama ni masih chenta kat orang lama and tak chenta kat dia sepenuh hati...not only that, si Tua jumpa receipt KLIA Duty Free rokok Sampoerna and interrogate I macam nak gila.

Sebagai seorang pompuan yang ber ego tinggi macam jematan Archway tu, I refused to give in to silly accusation.It is only receipt beli rokok, bukannya gambar bogel I dengan sesiapa...or text-text messages raunchy and mencurigakan for that matter.So, dengan cool nya, I cakap..you can think what you like and terus keluar rumah tak balik-balik macam Norman Hakim.

See, I get offended easily bila ditohmah begitu rupa. I will not go and defend myself and kalaulah dia nak menyiasat ke, apa ke or kalau dia nak datang mengamuk kat tempat I shooting pelem, pun gasak dia lah.I pompuan suci...jangan sewenang-wenang nya nak tuduh I.

But after a while (after ku kehabisan fresh socks untuk dipakai pergi kerja) I balik rumah si Tua tu to pick up few things and masa ni, hati masing-masing dah sejuk.Masa ni lah I gunakan kesempatan untuk cakap kat dia, I ni ada satu ex aje...tu pun dah mati.You tu, dah lah berlori exes, pulak tu kadang-kadang berjumpa tapi I takde pun nak syak wasangka.So kenapa pulak, bila I cerita pasal my ex to some people yang I kenal, you boleh naik angin? Ada ke I cerita yang I pergi menyundal ke, check in hotel pakai Day Use ke dengan orang lain? I cakap kat si Tua tu, I am going to feel like that about him don't know until when...it is very innocent feeling bukannya feeling-feeling nak masuk semak buat projek. So kalau you tak suka, tu you punya pasal lah...

Seperti biasa, posting-posting blog I semuanya tak bermoral and takde langsung yang boleh dijadikan iktibar...but I think if I may share this., tak guna kita menyakitkan diri/hati/kepala or segala anatomy/organ dalam badan dek kerna nak jaga hati/mulut orang.

Yes, relationships is hard to come by...the meaningful ones lah.But to keep your sanity, you have to decide what will make you happy.So kepada mereka-mereka yang terpaksa menahan hati sebab anak2 lah..sebab takut org kampung mengata or for any other sebab-sebab sosial that you have to keep trying to make your relationship works, remember this, if you're the only one yang put all the effort, you may as well put your effort somewhere else yang menyenangkan hidup you sendiri. Tak guna juga..hati ada sayang tapi kepala tak boleh tenang memikirkan perangai laki.The other party often are very good at transferring the blame and all the negative attention to you.Contoh...pompuan yang pi menyerang laki kat opis ke, tempat shooting pelem ke...orang akan kata, ohhh patutlah laki nak cari lain..tengoklah si singa bini nya.Tapi kalau lakinya tak memainkan peranan sebagai gembala singa yang bermoral, tak kan nya singa-singa akan berkeliaran mencari mangsa kan? Singa pompuan jugak yang akan dikata dek orang akhirnya.Padahal salah laki...

Kalau satu hari nanti you naik gila dek masalah rumah tangga, orang tetap akan mengata juga.All in all, orang tetap juga akan membuka mulut, so tak payahlah pikir pasal sesiapa, but you only.

p/s Padan muka kau CPB, aku makan gaji buta blogging kat opis hari ni...

Jahat..Jahat...Jahat....Thought

While everybody I know tengah sibuk-sibuk nak tau/berdoa supaya that Barrack Obama menang election malam tadi,I spent a good 3 hours google'ing 'Abby-Norman-Norman-Abby'.

See, sebagai gossip columnist yang berwibawa (cewwwahh) I will need to look from more than one source.Sometime yang bukan reporter lebih tahu dari reporter-reporter berbayar ni...

I am not aware of anymore stupid husband since Awie.Bad enough you dah tipu bini you, bila dah tertangkap tu janganlah menambah drama dengan mengata bini awak macam-macam pulak kan, Kiah?

I am not blessed with any type of premonitory instinct.So memanglah I ni akan bernasib malang kalau tertipu.Being a tipah-tertipu myself, especially takdir tuhan (yes Norman, this is the right context) yang nak menunjukkan kebenaran, where I bumped into my ex and his so called soon-to-be divorced missus kat dalam klinik.Hah...dah le takde langsung tanda-tanda yang menunjukkan they all tu diambang perceraian seperti yang di war-warkan oleh my ex, the missus boleh mengandung lagi pulak tu...talk about 'I don't love my wife'. How can you 'do' your wife and not loving her?

Mind you that is incident kedua I menangkap my ex.But it was my kebodohan jugaklah to allow the second one.I think we women cepat lembut hati if the lover come up with excuses like

a) I'm an idiot,it is you that I really want...

b) It was a mistake...bad,bad one. Don't leave me...I can't live without you...

c) Anything similar lah like the above...ah,you men must know how to come up with more kan?

On the newspaper yesterday...Norman tanpa segan-silliew nya announce...walaupun dah menitis ayaq mata bila diconfront oleh Abby (what does that tell you? Men can always resort to become a waterbag when need to...)

'Saya tak dapat menolak takdir kalau saya terpaksa kahwin dengan Memey' (I really hate the spelling, by the way)

'Abby adalah pembakar semangat and Memey adalah penyelamat' (what does it mean?)

'Tolonglah memahami saya....' (walaupun saya nak kahwin sorang lagi) ------->macam celaka!!!

'Saya tak mahu bercerai..tak mahu anak-anak menjadi mangsa kejahilan kami berdua' (you yang ada affair, bini sendiri pulak dipanggil nya jahil)

You can't be serious...kata masih sayang isteri, tapi pi cakap pasal nak kawin lagi? Pastu gi puji/puja pulak gf baru dalam sokabar...aiyyoo!!!

I know quite few people who had/having extramarital affair.Some are the people who sought support from my department and some are just acquaintances. I think it is just normal for some people to feel that after a while, they want a different things in their life.Some are brave enough to leave the current partner and start a new life with someone else.Some are just trapped with their own anxiety...of course bila dah ada anak, harta sepencarian etc, you really don't want to be bogged down with extra problems.Tahan ajelah.The life is bearable for now.

Sebagai seorang wanita yang tak bergantung sepenuhnya pada kepada orang lain...I really take pity to those yang terpaksa memendam perasaan.I think I am so done with memendam perasaan...kadang-kadang kita ni taknak cakap apa-apa sebab kononnya masa tu masih chenta...and you really aim to be the best thing in his life, hoping that dia bolehlah kompang kat kengkawan nya yang gf I sungguhlah sporting, tak cemburu buta (walaupun perangaiku macam celaka)

But no.That will not happen in a million years.The compliment I had wish only came after we were no longer available to each other.Apa lah salah nya masa bercinta tu puja-puji I sikit...berbaloi gak rasa nya memendam perasaan tu...

The children will find his/her way to grow up, of course with your guidance.What we should know is that to be the guidance, we are not necessarily required to be with the father.Orang takut bercerai sebab takut anak-anak merana.(Funny enough, masa dia dok menjamu mata and selera berpoya-poya an dengan pompuan lain, tak pulak dia pikir pasal anak-anak dia.) Of course lah if you tak berenti berpropaganda against each other or bergaduh depan reporter, the child will surely merana.

If there is no longer love and compatibality, you might as well find your own happiness.I can't imagine coming home, tak bercakap, looking at each other and wondering 'why?'

BTW, if your husband would rather bagi tumpang keta to other pompuan than mengantar bininya yang sarat mengandung tu pi kerja...the obvious reason is that he is so desperate to be the popular one with the girl dia bagi tumpang whereas, there's no longer a desire to be popular with bini sendiri. (Not because he doesn't want to, it is because he think he's popular already with you) If I am the bini...although bagi tumpang keta tak bermakna mereka-mereka tu up to something bad, I will tell him that, fine. I can look after myself well walaupun I tengah memboyot and emotionally vulnerable.I'm sure, I can live by myself as well.And you will have more time to impress others who is only after a free ride from you.Thank god I don't have to sacrifice my time and my life to be popular...(sadiss..sadiss...)

Remind me not to write about Abby and Norman anymore.

Updates

Somebody I know once said to me that the perfect wife is the one yang tak banyak mulut and sporting.Understatement betul....

The fact is, however 'perfect' the wife is...nobody will ever know how to satisfy someone who clearly don't know what they want themselves.

My ex, once or twice told me that his wife is very 'pushy' and sometimes 'irrational'. What surprised me is that women are often very transparent and after a little while, you will know what sort of person you're dealing with.It takes years and years to know a man.My ex must have known that the wife were 'pushy' and 'irrational' before agreeing to be tied down in matrimony.So kenapa bila dah kawin pandai komplen pulak ? (Read: Padan muka..)

One question I never get to ask him is...I ni sungguh lah sporting nya...tak banyak mulut and memenuhi specifikasi bini idaman...tapi apasalnya you tinggalkan I?

Sebagai manusia biasa yang sungguh berminat dengan gossip-gossip masakini (plus, masa I balik hari tu..I tiap2 minggu tengok Melodi tawww...) I berminat betul mengikut gossip Abby & Norman Hakim tu.

It is very obvious that Abby is the 'pushy' type.I've seen worst.Ni semua type pompuan-pompuan yang bangsa suka menyerang laki/boyfriend kat tempat-tempat awam githooo....demi memenuhi kepanasan hati.This are the type yang paling senang kena cucuk dengan Batu Api.The fact that mereka-mereka ni selalu dikurniakan lelaki-lelaki yang gatal is really not helping.

Pompuan2 cemburu buta macam ni kadang-kadang misti diajar juga.However in Abby's case, you can't help but want to spare her the slack.Kawan tu baru beranak...laki pulak bangsa yang suka 'kawan tapi mesra' (hish..camni punya statement pun ada...) dengan segala pompuan-pompuan yang dia jumpa.My friend told me that pompuan masa mengandung ni self-esteem masing2 jatuh la ke size zero.Masa ni la rasa diri tak lawa, emosi tak tentu...rasa nak bunuh orang pun ada.Your only sanity is your husband...tapi kalau laki pun macam bolayan aje, tak ke kita ni rasa macam nak makan orang?

Alasan the jantan yang tak balik rumah sebab tak nak bising-bising...bukan ke menyebabkan hati bini makin gunda gulana?

Tup-tup..dah kena tangkap basah lah pulak and you can see why the wife macam nak gila.

Married life is always a gamble. I selalu cakap dengan si Tua tu, kalau you ada hati nak ada affair, I appreciate you bagitau I tau.Nobody like to be lied to..tapi kalau dah nak kena tipu jugak, nak buat macam mana? You really shouldn't torture yourself to insanity memikirkan eh..laki aku ni ada tak affair dengan sesapa pompuan kat luar tu.

Counselling only helps those yang betul2 nak berubah.To those yang pergi just to membuat syarat sebab terkantoi dengan bini...semoga tuhan ajelah yang boleh menolong.

Abby clearly cannot trust this man anymore than she should.He is probably as innocent as he likes to think but to allow his wife to suffer,especially sampai masuk front page sat Malaya dah tau, he is not after all the man a woman should consider buat laki.

He should really find himself a woman who will allow him the freedom, who would not mind if he stays out as and when and ultimately to just let him do as he please.

Dah lah..Abby, 1 pergi...10 mari. Although I am so into gossips, this matter is best kept private between the two.Enough embarassment already. Kan Kiah?