About Me

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Love & Relationships For The Millennial Singles

Moral of this rant.....jangan pergi reunion dengan kengkawan. 

Makji...ko tak penat ke dok sensorang? Ko ni tak nak jantan ka? ----> this came from someone who thinks I am just good enough to become substitute suruh disiplin anaknya bila dia mati.But at the same breath, dia boleh buat snide remark kat I yang ...kononnya I ada hati nak kawin dgn laki nya. Pundek betul...padahal dia yang bukak mulut!

Having been single for a large chunk of my life, I've always made it a point never to flaunt any relationship I may, at that point, be in. But sometimes I did...well, happiness shows kenkadang kann....plus, with FB as the devil medium that somehow managed to fish that exhibitionist part of you. 

In the same way you should not ask married couples why they're still childless, or why someone who has four sons doesn't have a daughter - you don't know who has a raw spot that you might accidentally hurt. 

It's a tricky thing, being single at my age. Some are single by choice - because being with someone compromises who they are, because they've been hurt too many times, because they have too much on their plate to reach out, because of a million reasons, none of which is trivial to them, even if it may be to everyone else. But being single by choice is a privilege, don't forget that. It means you do not have to depend on someone else to feed or clothe you.

Some are single by circumstances - if they could, they would find someone tomorrow, regardless of what price had to be paid. These are the friends I worry about the most. Why? Because they're prepared to compromise who they are to be part of a "we". I have had friends (both male and female) who have accepted abuse (physical, emotional) from their partners, because they cannot imagine being alone. 

 I have seen good people marrying horrible people because "it's better than being single, katanyaaaa..... I can say "I told you so" a million times, but it doesn't quite convey the frustration of being an onlooker to the equivalent of a car speeding at 120mph, heading for a crash. 

But, I read about a certain someone yang famous who laments that he is doomed to remain single, to love and not to be loved. And I felt that these words had to be written down. 

I am not a Love Guru, beyond the way that any female of a certain age has wiped tears, given hugs, and angrily gestured on behalf of another female (or male!). I myself have had misadventures that would fill a book - the tragic worthy-of-a-15-minute-video falling for someone who fell in love with your best friend, the youthful love whose serendipity haunts you years after. I have sat through the "it's not you, it's me" and "I just cannot do long distance relationships". Prize has to go to the one who said "You're not good enough on your own but if you came as a set with her *pointing to another friend* then you'd be the perfect package!".

Then there's...."Why am I always the one before The One" .Macam puk* sangattts.

People would tell me a contradictory tale of "never giving up on finding love" and "only after you've given up you'll find it!". So here I'm going to share what happens when you do either or both.

At the age,  I met lovely people, not so lovely people. Some I have loved and lost. One died. One is like..kejap nak..pastu tak nak..pastu nak balik...

Was it easy? No. The kind of messages coming in is exhausting. Sifting between those who were just in it for a lay, to those who said they were just looking for good people (but who actually needed those people to look like Emily Blunt), to people who were genuinely interested but then didn't excite me. I fought the good fight for close to 3 years, and every time the rejection came, my self esteem crumbled, my heart broke, and I had to freshly contemplate the possibility that I would never find a person for me. I swear, my flatmate..my closest mates deserve a medal for the amount of self-wallowing they put up with. 

Lepas kena dumped dan rasa macam sial. ...I  declared a time out. I need time for me to learn to love me with no distractions. For me to value me. And for me to decide just how much of that value was going to be affected by the possibility of being alone. And never ever getting laid (sorry, this had to be said!)

Many times I was tested. People from my past started re-appearing, testing my resolve. But I decided that this was something I was not going to compromise on. And I'm glad I did. I realised in that whole times I was membela anak anak pungut that ate up your life time the first 6 months of their lives that while being lonely was heart breaking, it wasn't soul sucking the way being with someone who didn't value you was. I came out stronger, more intact, ready to take on the world. You will always have avenues to find love, even if its not the kind of love you thought you want. You will have time for family, for friends, for charity work, for strangers. 

Do I think love is overrated? No, I think it's definitely awesome. I see friends who have found it, and I get it. I get why everyone wants it.Do I think everyone finds it? No, I think those who do are very lucky. The rest of us have to work to make it work.Do I think being alone is better? Sometimes. It depends on what you have to give up to be with someone. Sometimes its worth it. Sometimes its not.

Do I think people should ever give up? No. The same way that 20-year marriages can fail, a 50 year old can find love for the first time. Or you wake up and that's it..I put up with you long enough..dari aku dok buat dosa ngumpat pasal kau dalam blog n dengan kengkawan. Don't live your live compromising for something you may never find. But don't close yourself to the possibility of something that may happen.

I quote one of my favourite movies, The Mirror Has 2 Faces...Why do people want to fall in love? When it can have such short shelf life and be devastatingly painful, what do you think? I think it's because, as some of you already may know... while it does last, it feels fucking great!"


1 comment:

rad said...

I heart you Makji Esah! Rejections - self-esteem - heart breaks - what else is new eh? *hugs*

On the positive side, everything happens for a reason - pastinya ada hikmah yang tertulis..