About Me

Friday, June 20, 2014

World Bestest WhatsApp Group

1) The Chef
From the conversations..be it one way or mutual way, memang kerja sidia ni masak, masak dan masak. First thing she will tell you what she will or have cooked for breakfast. So fixated with the dunia masakan, kalau dia tak masak pun, she will tell you apa orang lauin masak i.e. time dia kesiangan dan menapau nasik lemak depan rumah nya..so she will tell you what lauk she picked. She is the expert, I'm telling you. If one member cakap, her kari ikan or assam pedas tak jadi, this chef can tell from afar yang apa condiment yang kurang. You bagitau lah dia yang ayam masak kicap you tetiba rasa macam Milo Ice, she will say, ohh..tadi you agaknya tertuang Milo instead of kicap Mahsuri ..gittew. Since your 'force' entry into this group, you taktau nak balas conversation nya tang mana..ye lah, kepandaian memasak hanyalah limited kepada mihun goreng, tu pun atas bantuan serbuk perencah. For the life of you, you can never tell what effect a daun kesum can have in a lauk let alone to disperse petua on how to defrost ayam tanpa membuang rasa 'manis' ayam tu. Hek elehh...tah mana part yang manis kat ayam tu pun you taktau, apatah lagi nak tolong preserved, kan??? Once upon a time The Chef was a banker. But she said she had enough of trouble orang gaji lari..pendek kata, in her household, yang belum lari dari rumah nya hanyalah dirinya..so she said to her Encik Asben, she want to be FT mum. She has started her FT chef job last year, so since last year lah conversation dia dgn orang adalah berkisar tentang serai dan patologi Ikan.

2) The busiest PA
Yes, you hardly hear her talk..apart from ocassional hello...salam...stresss stresss hu hu hu. But a round of applause is due to her. Sebab dalam pada dia busy-busy tu, we know where she shopped, her selfies with recent handbag, her selfies at high tea, tea party, slap up dinner function, her spotless office desk, pemandangan dari dalam kereta berlatar belakangkan lambang Lexus dan accessories terbaru dirinya.

3) The Born Again Muslim
Once upon a time, she was ALL that. Boipren keliling pinggang. Admirer taking turns to pursue her. Satu pergi seploh mari orang kata. Kalau hari ni clash dgn boipren C, she no need to nangis-nangis or buat post mortem perasaan to see or reflect what went wrong. All that NO need. Because by the time C is 2 step behind, D dah datang ketuk pintu. Gittew lah popular nya. POMMM! She went for Umrah. She came back Wardina bordering Abby Abadi. Everything is Islamic. It seems like she has no recollection at all about her past. Her daily posting is ayat-ayat Quran, Hadith and the like. Syukurrr. But the problem with born again Muslim ni...like what I just said, she has no recollection about her past. Everything that came out from her mouth are so militantly extreme that you even question where have you known her from...sekolah pondok ke aku dulu? Gittew. To this born again Muslim, syiar Islam orang lain semuanya salah...tak macam dia punya. Like any other muslim extremist, she is also anti Yahudi. Not only Yahudi....she is also actively hating other non Muslim. She is against anything that have no sijil halal...including ABC kedai Swee Kang yang dia dah pulun dari zaman telanjang dia tu. Cadbury furore has turned her hysterical...in her FB. If your tudung is not syariah compliant...short of few cm maka your tutup aurat effort is useless. Her ustaz of course is better than yours. You don't play-play.

4) The Entrepreneur
Okay, truth be told, she was the one who initiate the group...hence the admin. Well, her ayat penyedap ego was, masa kita kat sekolah, kita adalah puak2 yang happy. She misses all that and wish to relive the glory of girls just wanna have fun (katanya) again. FUN lah sangat. After a while, you are struggling to define FUN in between iklan supplement Cakleee and Telekung Lycra murah. Her idea of fun is you ordering kuih muih cupcakes kek bertingkat laskar pelangi on a weekly basis. Then of course, her signature health products cures all the penyakit in the worls (kecuali mati) and she got the longest testimonial of her happy customers that she is more than happy to cut and paste and flood your timeline with.

5) Nabila Huda (The)
Hmmm. She got reputation...but she was the pandai one. She and Born Again Muslim was orbiting the same galaxy. With the label, no prize in guessing whether or not dia dah dapat cahaya kebenaran macam Born Again Muslim. Now, she became Born Again Muslim target to nasihat. Nabila Huda being her Nabila HUda self, today if you tegur she V shape t shirt is dangerously low, tomorrow she will upload her pic with two piece bikini sipping ....Sangria. You think she care ah? Secretly we think Nabila Huda enjoyssss being the centre of kutuk attention. The more you kutuk, the more she will tell you she don't care what you think....though...if you read between the line, she actually care so much that she upload her daring photos daily. She wants you to say something about her smoking and drinking. Of course she care...kalau tak takkan dia update status dia berhentikan anak dia dari sekolah KAFA, ye tak? Dia nak kau meghoyan lah tu Born Again Muslim oiii....

6) The Reluctant Members
There are 4 of us. The only text you can see from us is 'Wasalam'. Sebab tak jawab salam kann dosa..nak nak situkang bagi salam dah demand you jawab salam nya and those dalam hati version is not counted. The 4 members...god knows mencari alasan high and low nak keluar group. But together they fear, the other 5 members kecik ati. So they endure...endure..and endure. Accumulating dosa kering they said. One was saying that No. 1 and No. 3 should have their own group because ..they both chatted so much about things only the both know. Hek elehhhh. If No. 1 masuk cakap pasal Ayam Rosemary, No. 3 will sing her praises like No. 1 akan masuk syurga or collect banyak pahala sebab melayan swomi nya. The reluctant members has long suspected that No. 4 is the dalang...and that she (No.4) created the group is for the sake of nak majukan bisness. One of the reluctant member asked, eh..if No. 3 is so alim, why is she pokpeking about malam jumaat business with No.1 and No.4?  But we really have to salute this bunch of reluctant members...they care about the other 5 feelings so much that they are dying inside something rotten. Biorlah dosa kering bertimbun tapi sesungguhnya, kita jgn lah keluar dari group ni takut kengkawan kita tu kecik ati.

7) The One That Got Away
Muahahahahahhaha. It is me. The reluctant members was saying that I missed a lot of news because I left the group. Truth is..they are envious. How did I got out?  Well...people say, the crime that you must watch out for is the opportunist crime. I took the opportunity and strike. Something like kes ragut but of course, not as bad as that. I have endured so many bullshit. Air mineral haram sebab jirat cina malarkey, some silly fatwa don't know written by who...all those ayat suci yang di translate mengikut citarasa dan mood sendiri oleh Born Again Muslim. One day, can't remember who...shared the picture of orang mati. Well..BINGO. I gave my piece of mind with onslaught of kata-kata hikmah lagi psycho. Then I click exit group and delete. How brazen. I told the reluctant members...keep looking for more opportunity to escape. This WhatsApp group is like a house with no pintu pintu belakang. You cannot leave senyap2. Your exit will be published and forever scarred the brain of the other hardcore members. I know of the other two who got away..but the trouble that they had to go through...telling the other phone depa hilang and phone baru takdak WhatsApp and secretly had to maintain the other phone line other group members don't know about. The price they have to pay is to hidup dalam ketakutan....ketakutan untuk terserempak dgn member No. 4 in the real world and forced again to give phone numbers to be re added.

Nasib la kau Melah ehh.

Psst. I am planning to make this blog exclusive for a little while. This is your opportunity to be gone forever as a protest for my fickle-mindedness.But to those who wish to stay, you know what to do. :)  If I am gone, I am gone okayyy?  Tata bebeh.


abgfesyen said...

what should I do? tell me!

Quiyah said...

Makji, pls add me into the reading list. Quiyah@gmail.com. altho I xpernah komen sgt but once in a while I will drop in to read ur opinions n ranting.

.. said...

alaaaaaaa ... jgn la gone mak aji esah .. surely i'll miss your ramblings ...

Anonymous said...

Mak ajiiii. So relatable. How u write it is so funny yet so true lah!
So how to continue reading yr posts when u make it private?

julie said...

Alaa makaji...i wish to stay but don't know what to do......? Please don't make this blog prebet, i'll miss your sewel ramblings.....

ummisara said...

eh makji...

count me in lah yer...tak baca blog u rasa tak lengkap...gitewwww!


Green-ish said...

i choose to stay. please.

DeLancrettLurpak said...

hah, what to do.. what to do? jom ABC swee kang hehehehe

Anonymous said...

Well said Hjh Esah...apa yg dikau tulis, mmg pernah terjadi dan pernah daku lalui...tapikan kerana tak sanggup membaca n melihat dorama2 yang mengalahkan dorama2 swasta kt tv....daku pun tekan button delete n exit group. lantak hangpa lah nk kata apa....tak koso sey lah haii

p/s : dah bertahun2 jd silent reader, hari ni baru terpanggil utk komen....apa2 pun all the best ye Hjh Esah... :)


Anonymous said...

Hye...jgn la macam tu..

Anonymous said...

Yr blog make me so happy. Y no latest update.

Anonymous said...

Salam Kak Jah Esah... nak mohon pencerahan; benarkah LeeUK dah pulang ke Rahmatuallah.... terkejut saya ada kawan beritahu begitu..... -Adam

Anonymous said...

Asslammualaikum mak Ji...apa kabo? Lamaaa dah saya tak menjengah umah awak ni. Baca a few of your ngomel2 ... you still got what it takes...den suko amek gayo bahaso ekau mak Ji oii...terhiburpun ado, buat acik bopike pun ado..suko, suko, suko..=))

pakcik SS