I have always been self-sufficient and responsible. Kiah said..it is because my place as the 2nd child. Middle child. Bluekkk. 2nd child and middle child have two different personalities. No. I am the 2nd child although, technically, I am the 3rd. Either way I want to put it, I am the middle child. So Kiah wins. Elehhh....it's like orange cat calling their lot ginger!
Naturally I like to think that I am a born responsible. But I believe that after seeing how badly the one and the another one before me behaved...I strived to be the responsible one. In a way, I am quite desperate for a good turn-out-to-be. I like the idea of relatives and people talking about how I am 'better' than the elder ones.
For such a long time, I didn't feel successfully mothered, valued and nurtured. My supervisor once suggested that I should 'mother' my inner child. Eh..apa retinya tu? See, psychotherapist do mess people's head up too. Unless kepala you dah tak centre, only you can know what's really wrong. Self-sufficient and responsible is another name for control freak..I tell you!
You will wonder why that is the case. But think again...why can't people let go? Experiencing rumahtangga huru hara sebab adik beradik atas kita tu menghuruhara kan rumah, sort of promise us not to do the same. Well, what's wrong with rumah huru hara pun? We pity our parents...and our responsible self kata, no, you are not going to get that from me. Kita nya pun kecik lagi. So we grow up with strict idea of wanting perfection. And that will eventually make us..a snob. In a good way.
Something happened before raya. I was sad. But at this age, being sad is exhausting. I practically lives on the imagination of being perfectly happy. That gets me through today.
There are times, I rasa nak nangis. Yes...when I am alone and empty, I nangis. To sleep.
How many times can a heart be broken? I've known of few yang terus sewel...mati pun ada. But no..my ego strength is like steel. To turn sewel or kill self is not an option. Well...sometimes there's a thought to just curl up and...die. But no, the brain and heart combines and sensibility still intact. Pekejadah aku harus mati karena mieww? Makan sushi lagi bagus.
Kiah has this habit of making me reminisce about the one yang dah mati. There was a time we talk about him...excitingly. But that night, I cried myself to sleep. He is the only man I can never stop thinking about. The good times about him supersedes...kejadian menyayat hati.
We know of people who died of broken heart. Stupidity comes to mind. Elehhh hai....orang tu tinggalkan you, carilah lain.
In life, there is always going to be certain type of person who rocked your world. I have only two. Kiah (and the rest of the world) hated the guts of this one.
The 'snob' me thinking....no, I will not be weakened by my broken heart. The 'snobbery' has advantages too. You learn to conceal it...much to other people dismay. Still something slips through the crack.
Then, the blaming game. You blamed you. If we are selfish, we blamed others. But no, we need to remain dignified. We don't want to blame others because that shows...lack of integrity. We take it all on our stride. Snob.
We deal with our broken heart, quietly. Chances are...we will die with it. Because till the end, we are still this control freak, snobbish dumb person who at our own will, refused to move on.
Take care peeps.