Love and Lost

Teman tapi tak mesra (but dah mesra sikit since she called...) told me that her area has ran out of Blackberry. They only have Aifong 4. But she said, she is way too clever for Aifong 4. I said, if you like Aifong 4 go ahead lah...

I have been very unreasonable to her. Ye lah, just because one thinks that Blackberry is canggih dan menjimatkan duit lagi cepat untuk bergossip, that doesn't mean that others would agree. Thing is, I am too, too clever for an Aifong. Be it 1,2,3,4. I only just mastered the Aipot. Aipot has little risk for my money yang dah la tak sebanyak mana since mempunyai chenta hati yang berharga £500 cheapest sekali jumpa. (any type of pun is intended here) I often read about people with Aifong running up bills they don't know they have. All this telephone company have big tendency to mis-sold all type of phone contract. Me being clever doesn't help lah kan..buatnya kita dok tekan tu, tekan ini..sekali the bills goes on and on...tak ke mata,hidup dan mulut jadi putih jua?

So, I am sticking to Blackberry. I must admit that before I used to think that Blackberry is stupid and buruk, but now...I just can't live without it and the messenger service. (I love you banyakkk...banyakkk...banyakk...and dia jawab, I love you banyakkk..banyakkkkkkk too...cepat balik ye) Okay..cepatlah muntah.

I lost my father recently. Knowing that he is pretty much on his last leg, I am very well prepared. But the last 2 weeks, I have been awfully sad. I cried everywhere. In my sleep, on a bus, train...tengah buka puasa..tengah makan sahur and tengah main Cafeworld. I cannot bring myself to think and to see any reminder of him. Luckily there's not very much photos of my family that I bring with me here, because I don't want to miss them. There's some, but it was kept somewhere not easy reached.

The subject of love is very broad. I don't love easily but when I do, I love it to death. I can love someone for silly reasons that other would question the motives.

Do we ever wonder why we love the person we love? We can be with the type rupa ada harta pulak kurang, rupa kurang harta pun kurang, rupa and harta ada (tapi kedekut nak mampus) harta banyak perangai huduh, rupa ada perangai puaka and so on?

Do we love our parents because of they are our parents or is there something else besides the facts that they are the parents?

Adakah kita sayang kat laki/bini kita sebab dia tu laki/bini kita and kita terpaksa jugak ada perasaan sayang sebab dah takda siapa lagi yang boleh disayang sebagai laki/bini, walaupun ada ketikanya kita rasa nak gantung diri memikir, apasal la aku kawin dengan hang?

I told you about the 1st guy I fell in love with (and dah mati and boleh done lagi tulis surat kat I kata dia cinta kat I tak berubah, sekaligus mengoyakkan jiwa dan perasaan ku..men eh? Hidup pun menyakit ati, mati pun menyakit ati) I still feel sad sad every time i think of him. There's time I remember every single thing, the happiest time and the saddest time, the convincing love and the heartbreaking words. But he is still the nice young man that I first took a fancy. The nice young man who shows love in his own way. Dalam 100 yang kata, lupakan je lah Mat Siamang yang dah memporak perandakan hidup mu, dalam hati hanya kita aje yang tahu macam manatak boleh nya kita nak buang dia. It was never a clear cut with him....right til the end. In a way, I'm glad that he is no longer around or I'll risk being wondering what if, what if and oh why not, we still love each other and POM...hati patah or happy ever after. Who knows gitu.

Then there's MC. And believe me..I still wonder why....alas, there is things that I love about.

Father...of course, our love to each other, is supposedly unconditional. I am his own. His produce. He probably (given manalah ada technology or things where bapak kan be at the labour room in the early 70's kan?) seen me on my first outing and through the rest. I am not yet a parent and although I can understand the meaning of unconditional love literally, I probably don't understand the extent of love of parent and a child.

Now that he is gone and when he was still around, it is very hard to deny his love to me.He love me not less when I didn't get 5A's in my standard 5 assessment test. He love me the same when my SRP and SPM result is not as good as he had hoped. I didn't return from UK with LLB, he was upset..but his love remain unchanged. I did a lot of things he wasn't happy about, sometimes I got rotans, slapped, maki hamun etc etc...but he still feels the same about me. He said some horrible things but mother always come to his defence and said he didn't meant it. I believe both of them.

I grew up a docile child. I listened to him. I did almost everything he wants me to. In all honesty it was all because I had to. I don't know any other way. I was taught to do as I am told. Most times I was unhappy and angry, but in the end..I just didn't mind...because he is my father.

In all those years of growing up, there is time when I wish I had a nicer father and a different father even. Recent years was worst...I was so determined to make my feelings known to him. Tah hapa sebab, tak tau lah...children liberation ke? Is it because masa kecik tak pernah nak menjawab, dah besar panjang kena jugak menunjukkan hak. Tah apa pekdah dapat ber debate dgn makpak tak tau lah kann?

Now that he is gone, I wish that I never had wished for a nicer and different father...nor that I wish I had a real father somewhere because hard done by child are always the anak angkat and tupp, real makpak yang kayaraya boleh bagi segala game&watch will come to our rescue. Because when things was bad, he still feels the same. He believed in me when no one else did. And I know, he never wish for a different me...however much I have upset him.

I often said to mother, ohh how can you stand him? I should have stick to being a daughter and continue to look at him as god. Husband and wife, as to boyfriend and girlfriends always have complicated relationship.

I wish I could have love my father the same way he loved me. His indifference and unconditional love. I am sure he knows how I feel about him...as he is always, knows about everything.

Sayang Babah banyakkk...banyakkkk.....

Al-Fatihah.