Kita...Dan Mulut Kita

I think a lot about the dead people recently. 

The news of people's passing in the beginning of Puasa, seems to stimulate the thinking even more.

Recently a friend remind me of my hutang kat dia. Err, speaking of hutang...yes, if we dowan to susah mati..or having to make that long walk looking for sipemberi hutang in our afterlife, we better start paying back hutang.

This friend cakap something along the line dia takut I mati. In a logic mind, you will say this 'nanti kalo ko mati' if kawan kita tu nak memanjat gunung..tak pun kalau naik MH. Ops. Tabbaik. Maafkan saya Chairman MH. 

Apa maksud kawan tu cakap macam tu, I pun tatau.  But lantak dia lah..mulut dia. Kita on the receiving end ni dengar sajalah. Dah pun namanya berhutang. Then I teringat funerals that has taken place in my own household. After funeral or maybe on the way to tanah kubur, an appointed speaker will announce that if si mati ada berhutang dgn sesapa, sila jumpa so and so the family member. 

So lepas hati I tersentap dgn kata-kata kawan I ni...(err I thought I should write that I paid my dues as much as I could, but maybe dia tak suka cara camtu when I just paid one chunk at a time..well, kalau I tahu mulut dia akan menjadi macam ni, I will do direct debit RM 5 sebulan, so that gives impression yang I ni gigih bayor hutang dia) I pun call my sister and my loyar...eh, you know this so and so...if anything happen to me besok lusa, can you open that red file and pay off my outstanding loan?

My sister jawab.....ko apesal? You owe people money eh? Not like you..usually is the other way way around. 

Loyar jawab....is this why ko angin dari pagi tadi eh?

To which I said, nevermind. If anything...you pay this person first. I don't want to die feeling upset. Nowadays people die just like flies. Sakit tu sakit ni...tak sakit pun bley mati. At this age...you should be really thinking of it. Of course I wish that I die happy not upset. The worst feeling in life is upset. Sad is okay. I am just about menyampah dengan rasa sedih because knowing me, tengok kucing kaki terpeleot pun I rasa sedih.

But I hate getting upset..because this feelings stays. Because upset commonly is a mixture of sad and anger. 

You know the type of people yang cakap..this is the way I am that I speaks out my feelings? It takes a lots of guts to do this. For eg that Azwan Ali man. His mouth is a sewer I tell you. Yes..he may have a good heart but to be able to carefully choose words that are hideous kumulus nimbus gittew? 

Heart and mouth is two separate entities. When we don't like that person that much perlakuan mulut jahanam would be easier. Because on top of us feeling bengang dengan orang tu there is also the needs to hurt them. 

Kan? 

There should be boundaries with friends. Masa I dok oversea, I don't bring back friends..physically or emotionally. Rumah ku syurga keww. I tido and tengok TV. I do a little bit ibadah....hik hik hik (yes, and tak sebanyak you laa) so, this friends that I talked to day in day out stays well out of my bed...my sanctuary.

Here....yes, we need to apply hidup bermasyarakat...hatta kawan edisi ngumpat sekali pun. Friends ask you to tengok cerita kat TV so that we all could berjemaah giving review pun nak tak nak terpaksa gak ikut. Yes..that can be fun. Only when you have the time. Where have all my times gone? Kerja la beb...cari duit, nak bayor hutang you. 

Hutang yang I tak minta but expected to pay. Macam berhutang dgn mak bapak la. Bila kita susah, makpak tolong...but we have to beringat to pay. In some case, macam I...I pay in bulk lah. Kucing wants to eat. I takda baju baru takpa but cats must get what they want first. 

Si pemberi hutang pun...patutnya kalau dah nak berbakti tolong sedara mara ka kengkawan, you know that by sacrificing duit you yang banyaklah jugak tu..you should also forgo other perks like mendapat dividen ASB kalau deduit tu tak dibagi pinjam. Takyah lah cakap I am short of a huge divident sebab ko lambat bayor duit keww. Kalau gila nak divident, toksah lah kasi orang pinjam ye tak?

I, of all people should know how to spot a sheep. Power alters your mind. This happens to everyone. To Pak Ustaz etc etc. Place yourself in the position of authorities...then see how you want people to nods the heavens down to you.

I do this too. I gave money to my mum. Supposedly when you gives, ikut resmi memberi...the people who receives can do the heavens they like. But the power of giving of me, menjadikan I lebih kurang gampang nya dengan setan. I start telling her how to spend it and I sakit hati pulak knowing she then dermakan duit I yang bagi to my brother yang at times thinks his savings account tu sentiasa dipenuhi duit. 

It was times like this (bila dah kena batang hidung) then I realised what a bastard I have been. 

Try having people under your payroll. We sings about betapa baik nya kita dgn dia so they can and shouldn't do us wrong. But when wrong occurs....habis kau kena carutz dalam blog.

No one should really take pride in possessing mulut macam laknat. It's okay if there's a cause..ya lah, kalau dah situasi macam haram yang memrlukan ko mengeluarkan lahar, maka kalo takleh tahan, kasik la kan...with iman still in tact. So, idok lah kata-kata tu kejiss sangat. 

There's always a time, a place and a person for this kata-kata nista or ayat2 yang bisa mencabuli hak asasi perasaan. Kalau kita rasa nak kawan lama dgn orang, berfikir lah banyak kali.

But then again, words can't kill you. But it can damage people emotionally. 

I am in the phase where I nak diam saja. Nak cakap lebih-lebih, I pun ada tak betul nya. I cakap dgn BFF I ni yang hati I sangat terluka dgn sipolan-sipolan ni. I have been nice to them. I know I shouldn't expect them to be nice to me back in return sebab I ikhlas lah nak buat apa2 yang I dah buat. But, perlukah nak melukakan hati orang? They are, undoubtedly nice to me too...but I wish that they see that invisible boundaries that just because kita ni dalam BFF zone, or..if we think we have a hold on that person i.e. orang tu banyak makan budi kau ka, kata-kata macam sial shouldn't come out. 

Sedih ni..but tak apa lah heh....after all, who wants to know kan?