About Me

Tuesday, March 25, 2014


Now that we have a closure...well just, adalah sikit mood nak menulis.

This life is full of magic. Allah can give whatever. Tetiba nanti, the aircraft will turn up. Tak pun...all the people turn up in a different flight.

We always want and hoping for miracle. I have had miracles happened to me in the past. I thought I was happy. Orang yang I chenta-chenta sejak dari I muda remaj, tetiba menjelma professing undying love gitu.

Sometimes what it is, is a prompt of closure. Sudah sudah lah mengharap. Kalau tak kita, orang lain yang gila. Well, gila is not appropriate. Hati dan kepala orang, isi nya hanya orang tu yang tahu.

Kenapa dia membuat perangai macam syaiton, hanya dia yang tahu.

I have sit in a counselling room long enough to know that...the sentence 'I don't know why I did it' is just an excuse. Seriously, an excuse.

You know exactly why you did it. Whether you nak own up ke tidak is a different story.

The mangsa bully will continue to be a mangsa bully for few reasons. People always say...only you can make how others feels about you. If you have been ill treated long, it is because you allows it.

This i so true. You can takut to the max to the pembuli. You takut kena terajang, you takut kena ugut bunuh..macam-macam. The pembuli knows your weakness. That is why they succeed.

Ada juga mangsa bully sukarela. Macam I...and few people I know. Other people is as complex as us. We don't know what we want half of the time. Some people just don't know how to change.....because they don't see why they have to and most probably, they just don't want to try.

Some years ago, someone I know mati kena bunuh. Huiyoo. I asked my MH Crew mate (she is one of the missing crew) to cilok one newspaper for me. Muka depan, kluaq gambar Mamat ni. Knowing him I know he must have done something awful (menepati reputation nya) to received a fate like that.

Then there's a picture of his grieving wife yang saluruh kelompok kengkawan nya tahu, that they marriage is still a mariage because of her perseverance. Nak harapkan jantan tu...isk isk.

She must have hoped for miracle for him to change. But the miracle that she got was...the inevitable. She is now happily married.

I was ever in love with two person in my life. The amount of time I invested to get noticed, to get affection and tah hapa-hapa benda lagi..makkkk aiii. I was hanging on to some nice things about them. When hundreds has pointed out betapa cinabeng nya ..betapa lahanat nya perangai nya dia...but there's one small gesture dia pernah buat kat I, tu lah yang I dok puja-puja. I continued to find my faults....

Only to realised that...if I had not taken my relationships for granted i.e. bagi malaun-malaun tu pijak kepala I, then I will not feel as hampeh as now.

For those still in a marriage, with extra luggage...perhaps it is so crucial to hang on to normality. Like, kalau laki you tu secara luaran nya adalah Brad Pitt yang sokmo menolong AJ menjaga anak dan juga adalah ghopa sikit, maka to come out of what others see as perfect marriage akan mengundang kutukan lah kann.

I am not going to encourage a break up. I stayed in my relationship until orang dah tak nak kat I. I know why the need to try. I have faults too.

Yes, for some people...I can only wish a miracle to come to them. Tengok lah diri sendiri. How good were we in our own relationship?

Are we just in it as a roommate or house mate? Do we know each other well enough? Siamang only noticed me towards the end of his life. Unbeknown to me (ye lahh...dia bukan nak tunjuk perasaan nya) he noticed every little things I do...and in his goodbye letters, he apologised for not giving me what I deserved.

Apology is easy. Especially bila ko dah nak mati kannn? To those who still hoping for miracles, keep trying. It is really sad being alone, tak berkawan..tak reti nak bercakap dgn orang etc. But that's the choice some people made.


Pakmat Fahmy said...

..I have no idea why I did it..:)..perhaps it was an attempt at masking my own imperfections..but there's seldom full closures in life tragedies..letting go is difficult..self-blame..nigging doubts.. if I had not taken that road..etc..at 70, I think I am now better at accepting my flaws and defects..even if my lows are more that my fleeting highs..

julie said...

Oh mak esah...this post sgt lah mengena ke batang hidung iolls... terasa2 mcm i ni pun kdg2 hilang akal, expecting miracles and end up offering myself untuk dibuli...

Anonymous said...

30 years ago i really hoped the relationship between me and him worked well. It never happened. Till one fine day I decided to walk out of his life . That was a miracle....

Mak Piah said...

awak bukak diary saya erhhh?