Meh I nak bagitau....
Putus chenta di usia rumaja dan tua, the devastating effects of losing love are the same. Tak lebih dan tak kurang. Kalau 26 tahun dulu rasa nak mati, sekarang pun apalah kurang nya. But at this age...err errr age yang mature mature ni, otak pun adalah sedikit mature so boleh la cari alternative lain dari terus memikior benda-benda yang sakit tu.
People around you would say how heartbreak will gradually turned into acceptance and from there you can hope for the future. Katanya...
My relationships ended almost or more than 2 years ago. Pain. Searing pain. Disbelief pun ada. But This time I can see its coming. In fact I can see its coming when it started, sebab Makji uols ni kerja gasak la recycle chenta, dengan orang yang sama puluhan tahun dahulu.
This time was easy...(ni I cakap kat diri I sendiri) but I think the cats made it easy, because most times I was so occupied. My mind didn;t have time for anything else. I have dropped everything of my comfort to start anew. Only to get 'dropped' last minute. Well, technically. I got the last word...like, okay, I don't want to do this anymore. So tu kira habis lah.
I didn't cry. But I cried buckets when the kitten slowly dying. Maybe that was the assimilation of many many painful things.
This time there was no betrayal and that in a way made it even more difficult. I refused to talk about it. But it was a happy time for me. There's so many happy things. We were far but so much in love like we were near. Gaduh pun tak pernah. I wonder all those 'happy moments' papered over the fact that, almost imperceptibly there was a growing gulf between us. Without really saying much at all both of us used the circumstances to force the decision. So that's it.
I have good friends. This really helps. Because I don't talk about it (much) I am spared many I told you so's thingy. But friends are still people that can still bagi you janji palsu dan hurt your feelings. But really, kalau nak hidup lama you need too see past all that. Kalau bantai bergaduh dengan semua orang, siapa lagi yang ada?
Siapa yang tak menyakitkan hati? Cats do that all the time.Orang? Jangan cakap lah kan. I flawed and faults too and when people can get over that, so can I.
My ex and I, we are still good friends. My closest friends said that as if nothings happens. We still talk as if we are still together. The only difference now is that both of us is not the centre of each other life anymore. There's times when I can fell into it again. But no. Good thing about being matured is you remember pain as well as joy. Yes, we should chase the fun but when you start questioning about..ehh, we had our chance and you blew it. So tak payah lah.
Now, I don't think about anything. All I need to do now is to keep afloat.
The pain will sometimes come and go. But this time I don't cry a river.