Kisah JT (The One With The Dinner Date)

Segala puji-pujian untuk diriku sendiri. Hish..since I ni tak berlaki and there is no need to over bodek, then all nice and warmth words should go only to yours truly. Well, siapa lagi nak puji I selain dari I sendiri kan?

Since semuanya nak tau apa ke kisahnya per meetingan ku dengan Jantan Tembam itu (huisshhh..he reckoned he lost weight you all, padahal aku rasa sama aje) maka this post is dedicated to tell all of what happened of our buka posa date.But pretty please, janganlah pikir yang I ni boleh dipujuk rayu, walaupun ada sikit element pujuk rayu bila JT ajak I buka posa. The thing is, aku terpedaya.Hah kau...

After JT dengan muka tak malu memujuk rayu I, the only thing I said is, okay...but not now or this week, I'm too busy.Any excuses under the sun to put him off asking me out.The last I spoke to him gave me enough indications that this is no longer about 2 old schoolmate nak ber friends reunion.Weiii..ni bukan kisah perasan syok sendiri okay? I am almost 35 (eh..aku ke or si Kiah?) so, tiba-tiba nak perasan meleleh ni dah lama dah berlalu.When men smile or give you a little attention bukanlah bermakna dia syok kat you tau? I better not share my judgement, takut nanti orang takut lak jumpa I, dah le aku ni dah dapat reputation suka analyse orang. Tetiba, on Saturday, another male ex school mate telephone I (cisss...si JT lah yang menjadik Yellow Pages nya kan?) Harus terkejut I.I was never popular kat MRSM.Tetiba, school footballer lak call I ajak buka puasa.This guy kenal I and I pun kenal dia, because we are in the same class, tapi being an anti soSIAL that I am, after NCUK, I tak pernah keep in touch dengan sesapa. Sheffield was the nail in the coffin.Takde dah nak contact sesapa kawan lama.Tak tau lah apa penyakit masa tu but I think I just had enough. I grew up with this lot...dari umur 16 sampai ke 25. I feel the need to see other world, other than bebudak MRSM. Macam cilanat aje aku; bongkak and tak sedar diri kan, masa tu. Masih muda lah, katakan....

Well, bila si Mamat ni call (mamat ni sekarang dah jadik PILOT you all) ajak jumpa and kebetulan I pun free, I pun okaylah.Tak le ku tahu ropa-ropa nya, I have agreed to buka puasa dengan dia dengan Si JT sekali.Waduhhhhh...nak menipu sangat kan? In the end, this PILOT man (PM) pun tak stay lama, nak bagi I berborak panjang dengan JT and told us that he needs to pack nak fly the next day.Benci betul I, I was hoping to catch up (plus...orang macam ni, patut dikawan, manalah tahu bila stock asam dah habis, boleh la I kirim kat dia kan?) but pikir-punya pikir, he's probably part of the plan si Tembam tu nak jumpa I.After the PM mintak diri, I had no choice but to endure JT's company.If it's not because of the Nando Chicken, I could have died of boredom and muntah kayap cirit birit dek menyampah gilanya I dengan JT. But I think, I'm more upset with myself sebab termasuk perangkap.

But, it was only dinner.Janganlah nak berdramatik sangat, Hjh Esah oiii. JT was being a gentleman, for once, for not reminding me of my perbuatan keji (of putting him off all the time) and of course Kiah, he was full of puji-pujian for me.He must have learned his lesson not to moan cam nak rak, and anggaplah dapat jumpa I ni macam jumpa Jodie Foster, make the most of it, sebab there might not be the 2nd chance...riaknya...riaknya.

For someone yang tengah buat PHD, si JT ni takdelah nampak busy but again, men are always blessed with kecerdikan semula jadi kan? Belajar 1 jam, pastu SPM dapat straight A's. Cerdik semulajadi ke, bantuan toyol dalam dewan periksa, Allah ajelah yang maha tahu.He was asking if I have plan to continue studies (macam dia lah konon nya) eleehh..dia tu further study pun as alasan nak tinggal bini, macam I tak tau....

But what I thought going to be a rational conversation ranging from Arsenal (apsal lak tetiba dia support Arsenal...dah duduk Reading tu support lah Reading kan?) to Nationwide issues turned out to be a disaster bila dia start bukak mulut pasal his soon to be ex wife.To the extent that I have to cut in and told him 'It's affecting you too much that you feel the need to spoil your day talking about her'. Baru dia diam.

He asked me if I'm upset. I cakap idakle aku nak upset ke hapa, but honestly, this is not the mengumpat session that I like especially when talking about a wife a.k.a. wanita melayu tah mana-mana yang tak berdosa, that he, he admittedly left sebab dia sendiri yang dah boring.

He later challenged me to tell him what I thought of him. Nak tahu katanya, from mulut orang expert. Orang expert dia panggil I? I asked him, what is so important now, you moving on or still want to cling on your past?

JT, being JT, masih tak reti bahasa and as it is now approaching 9pm, I said to him that I had to leave soon.Obviously, JT dek so besotted with his own thoughts, ingat I nak make escape from him.I cakap dengan dia, you ni buat PHD tapi bangang lah...you tau tak sekarang ni pukul berapa? Dah gelap and certainly dangerous for people to travel.I'm sorry you feel terrible about your life but compared to makbapak budak yang kena bunuh tu or me, for that matter yang kena berjalan balik sensorang tengah malam ni dengan risk kena mugged ke hapa ke, I think your problem jatuh lah nombor 3 kan?

Is that what you're trying to tell me, that I'm selfish?

I just look at him, like my other patient yang sahih-sahih gila....'I'm going to leave you here with that thought'.

I have to run (cess, perasan Marina Chin). Can I call you? It is up to you.

Tupppp!!!!

Hari Kemaluan Sedunia

Hari ni tadi, I posa sekerat hari. Iskkk..malunya.

Semenjak dua menjak jadik nurse tak bertauliah ni, I makan pun tak tentu. My first ever buka posa yang proper is bila MB ajak datang makan kat rumah dia last week and last Monday, si Tembam tu ajak I buka posa kat Nandos. That's it!!! Selalunya bila I posa, waktu berbuka tu minum Diet Coke aje, pastu Black Coffee. I keep telling myself, besok bila sahur, nanti makanlah. Kesudahnya, bangun pun pukul 6.30am, dah subuh gajah.

Seperti biasa, I treated my office cam company bapak I, so hari ni, I dengan sesuka hati, taknak gi kerja.Nak work from home la katakan. Masa ni lah I unload all my stuff from the luggage, dari hari pindah hari tu. By lunch time, MB called and asked me to see at Barclays, nak gi tukar address.Pastu, pergi Ikea.Saja dia nak gatal cari barang.Masa kat Ikea tu (hish..jangan gelak ye) my kepala otak rasa cam sejuk-sejuk nak beku gitu. Dah le sekarang sejuk, ada matahari tapi sejuk cam dalam Freezer. Tiba-tiba I rasa macam lapar ada, nak pengsan pun ada, nak berak...and nak muntah.I later realised that my solid meal was on Monday and after that, it was either Diet Coke and Black Coffee.Tapi, I buat diam-diam aje, bukan apa, MB kan tak posa...tuhan aje lah yang tahu kenapa. So, tak nak lah buat muka lemah nak mati pulak depan dia...dah le setengah hari tadi I dok lecture dia pasal tak posa, ni I pulak yang complaint-complaint lapar...tak macho lah kan? (Hish..riak sungguh aku ni)

Habis je tawaf satu Ikea tu, MB dengan kejam nya buat suggestion 'Eh..since kita dah ada kat sini, why don't kita gi Oriental City, I rasa macam nak makan nasik lemak'. Hamboiiii.....

Tiba-tiba, masa on the way nak gi OC, kepala I dah rasa berangin aje, until I tertunduk-tunduk, squeeze my head between my knees. Perut pun rasa sejuk.MB2 tanya bila I boleh buka posa, I pon cakap lah at round 7pm.Tapi I cakap kat they all, you all makan lah..I can tapau. Sampai je kat OC, MB kata muka I nampak cam pucat, and I pun dengan dah takleh tahan lagi...pukul 5 tadi, decided, okay lah...takat ni je I tahan.Kang sakit masuk sepital, camne nak balik KL. I cakap kat MB, moh la kita gi KFC ke, McD ke...takle terkantoi makan kat OC ramai melayu. MB cakap, heesh..lantak lah.Kalau u sakit ke, tak posa ke, bukannya problem diorang.So, I dengan memalu nya, masuklah ke OC.

Hah!!! Masih lagi tu nak pilih kedai orang melayu, so I went to this stall with kakak tudung dengan senyum simpulnya pandang I. There I was macam malu-malu nak masuk OC, tapi...alangkah terkujatnya bila I nampak ramai betul orang Melayu tak puasa. Hah!!! Ada tu yang buat-buat minum teh tarik sambil cakap omputih in English accent lagi, tapi tak jadik, still bunyi cam melayu.

Siap bagi salam and dengan macam pelahapnya, I ordered Nasi Lemak & Meehon, nak makan sensorang.Kakak Tudung dengan hormatnya took my order, pastu boleh tanya lagi kat I, adik nak makan sini ke, take away? Makkkk!!!! Rasa ada petir berdentum. I pun cakap, makan kat sini kak.Pastu, buat-buat cakap (nak bagi sedap ati sendiri) ish..masa tak puasa je boleh datang kat sini, kak. Hari puasa susah sikit. Well, ada ke akak tu nak tau, sajalah kan!!!

Well, to that akak, saya mintak mahap lah kak ye, abis pahala posa akak kena layan orang tak posa cam saya ni.

Sekian, selamat maju jaya.

Intermission

Marilah kita sama-sama mendoakan kesihatan Tun Dr Mahathir, yang khabarnya tengah sakit. Walaupun ramai yang tak suka kat TM, panggil dia Mahazalim la..Mamak lah..hapa lah, truth be told, he is the finest ever Prime Minister in my days.

At the rate Malaysia are now, it is better MAHAZALIM than TIDO-LLAH kan?

Amin.

Am I A Successful Malaysian?

I need to take my mind of things. Some of the people that I see (forced to see, more like) is a sex offender that violates the sexual privacy of any living things; man, woman, kids, babies, banana...

It is not easy.When I have resume my regular session with that Pay-Doh, the image of Nurin in that operation theatre keep flashing.Her bruises was vivid.I can't concentrate at all however, with kuasa tuhan (patut ke dimasukkan element syukur kepada tuhan in my case?) I endured that 40 minutes. I managed that with a silent prayers in my heart, but instead of praying as it memuji nama-nama tuhan...my prayer to this paydoh was 'mati kau,mampos kau, babi, celaka...tooott...toot....'

Okay lah...too depressing.The poor girl now has gone to a better place, orang yang hidup teruskanlah hidup.Orang yang kerjanya memprotect the nation, buatlah kerja betul-betul.Takyah lah nak gi tangkap makbapak Nurin tu.We often expect our nation to be the sympathetic and empathetic one,police and politician included.It just suit them when the feel like to change their brain tune to westernised thinking.

I got a phone call on Monday, from a representative of one leading Malaysian newspaper. He was polite enough to tell me how he got hold of my mobile number, considering aku ni takdelah campur orang Melayu sangat or puak-puak di Bayswater tu. He asked me if I like to be featured in the Malaysian paper, in their new segment. Yeppp, they're interviewing a successful Malaysian living abroad.Whaaaa?

If only I kaki glamour cam Khairy Jamaluddin, maybe I'll jump at the first opportunity tu pakai baju liplap ala-ala Kak Melah and ber pose-pose pegang award Sri Angkasa (ada ke lagi award ni?) keluar sok kabar telling nation how sucessful I am? But think again, hapa yang sak-ses-pool- nya aku ni?

Education wise, nak jadi lawyer tak lepas.Failed pulak tu.Okaylah..ada double degree...tapi, ada jugak orang lain yang belajar and dapat degree,master,PHD, atuk,nenek yang tak keluar suratkhabar pun.Dapat degree that day pun rasa cam nak mati.

Careerwise? Successful one? Orang jual ubat pun lagi successful. I am so fickleminded that it took me 30 years to decide what I want to do with my life.My job now is my longest.

Lifewise? Bercinta 10 tahun pun kena tinggal and bila dah settle, dapat pulak orang yang perangainya mengalahkan celaka (same here!!!) Apa yang boleh dijadikan iktibarnya?

Role Model? For what? For a malay? Read my previous posting.I am only good at kutuking. Professionally, nak emulate apa? Religion being? Waduhhhhhhhhh!!!! Not only that I can not fit in the successful Malaysian category, successful person pun belum tahu lagi.

My answer was, thanks but I don't think I can.There's plenty of Malaysian, bang oii. The abang asked me again if I want to be featured in 'Salam Aidilfitri From Oversea', something like that, again, takyahlah bang...if I am a plant, my roots is already hardened, dek lamanya tak balik-balik kampung.

I told JT about this, bila aku 'dating' buka puasa dengan dia semalam.Wah..wouldn't you like to know, Kiah? Nasib baik ada this story, at least it stops him from blabbering away about his wife. Tak kuasa aku, mengutuk bini dibulan puasa ni, sambil makan ayam.

P/s Kiah, cakap kat Ustazah Munah, adiknya dah tukar mobile phone number ke?

Is This Why We Blog?

It is only yesterday that Arwah Nurin was laid to rest. As I am coming home for Eid, I might give her last home a visit, same time when I visit my other families. Both of my grandparents were buried in the same cemetery.

I followed her news since the day she went missing. Her disappearance resembles Maddie McCann, which was left alone on her own devices but very unfortunate that both girls went missing. While we will or may never know whatever has happened to Maddie, we were all shock to the very core of what become of Nurin.

I am more interested in human behaviour regarding this. Like Maddie's parents, Nurin's parents were subjected to mental torment too, as if their guilt of not being with her is not enough. Some of us just like the little pleasure subjecting grief to others. I'm sure that you will agree that such malice is a childish act, but I believe those that were and still tormenting both parents is not child under 15.

I for once, cannot cope with guilt and that have made me the person I am today, with some traces of vengeance (tak la banyak weiii) but still, masih ada setan dalam badan.I am lucky that no one has ever subjected me to any kind of grief relating to my guilt (maybe because they don't know what it is)

Thanks to Elviza, I manage to get hold of a blog page dedicated to finding Nurin, published by her uncle. I remember one young boy went missing months before and then reunited with his family. I am hoping the same to happen with Nurin, but I doubt that her captors were a kind one like that Myanmar couple. I would imagine Nurin to be talkative and able to express herself better than that boy so that her safe return is going to be easy. But she was met by some scum and the end was Nurin been folded into a bag etcetera...etcetera.

When come to getting information, people like me have to depend on what is reported. I think too many newspapers can be confusing, the journalists have to ask question and what you read is what they understand. We just have to hope that the journalist is a good one that doesn’t report piece of crap.No disrespect to all living journalist, ye?

In many news I read, apart from what printed, I also got to hear the verbal version of the news via kawan-kawan segossipan I from KL. When this Think Tank (TT) man got arrested, something to do with someone got blown up; I was told that the whole thing is a cover up for a leading politician. Until now, I still think that it doesn't make sense.TT man is a wise man (pandai la dari I) and would he allow himself to be a scapegoat? Not with his motor mouth wife is around, kan? So, how is he covering up? But, what is with the police brutality? Is our policeman still a yes man to the big whale? Can't they speak up? Takde whitsleblowing procedure ke like 'Maaf Tuan, si dia ni and si dia ni suruh saya 'ghaibkan' si ini dan si itu, saya rasa ini salah, Tuan'. We don't have to jump down the building if we were asked the same, do we?

When that overseas Malaysian lady got kidnapped, raped, strangled, killed and disposed, my gossip version of news is that the accused was also covering up for someone. Some loan shark got involved.Hmmmm....

Nurin's news. First a body of a young girl was found in the bag. News reported so many things...to the extent of family’s refusal to accept the body and the DNA result of their Nurin. Here I am reading their denial. Once upon a time ago, that young singer was murdered and his family refused to accept his remain although his DNA is conclusive. Another parent’s denial, but who can blame them? Parents know their children best and are within their right to express their opinion. My gossips source also told me this and I know, they are like me, read what printed and have advantage of watching the news. Speaking about parents denial, having batu api taking advantage of the vulnerable parents pun tak guna juga. When the DNA is presented, as a kawan/family/relative, takyah lah gi api-api kan the vulnerable parents tu...Science can be something that is not perfect as the act of god, but science explanation can make sense.

Of course, Nurin's uncle reported the truth; at least I believe what was written, since he is the closest source. Parents did not accept the body was Nurin's when they first view it but did not refuse DNA. In fact, DNA was only done after the view. The family, instead of being the first to know, become like us, have to read and hear the news. As if the torture wasn't enough.

I don't study journalism and I don't know how it works. But, in Malaysia, is there a thing 'we keep' and the thing 'can announce' exist? Is it just money making and politician backing newspapers news that we read daily?

So, if newspaper and TV can't be trusted or withholding the crucial information, what should we read? Haaaa...Mangga and URTV ke?

When I was a lot younger, there was this gossip about a 'King' who hit a caddy on the head. Caddy died and caddy has a brother who serves the army. The brother went amok and terrorised the Chow Kit area. In the readable news, he was then shoved away and declared a mental case. I don't know the truth, but my father was in the military forces and I overheard him talking to his mate about it. It seems like the 'gossip' is true. But I was eavesdropping. I could be hearing something wrong. But I trust my father. Apart from using 'insya allah' as a task avoidance (that I hate), he never lies.

That is why we blog, kan? Apart from blogger who use their page for defamation of another human being, majority of blogger make a good journalist.Walaupun melaporkan umpatan untuk laki sendiri, kan Kiah?

How selfish!!! Here I am, moaning about how crap my current situation is, little that I know, back home, nation are saddened by the sadistic murder of a young, weak and helpless girl.

Al-Fatihah to Nurin Jazlin's family...

To the psychopath paedo, your time are numbered.

Calling Occupant The Interplanetary...CRAP!!!!

Dugaan Nombor Satu - Semalam I tak posa...well, puasa lah, tapi sekerat hari.I kena panggil masuk meeting semalam and tah macam mana, ada huru-hara pulak dalam unit tempat I bermeeting tu and my boss cakap 'let's discuss the case over lunch'.So, macam anak-anak ayam didik, we all pun berjalanlah pergi kesatu Portuguese Restaurant ni.Bila sampai turn I place order, I cakap kat waiter tu...I'm okay, I'm okay and baru my colleague teringat yang I ni posa and they all terus tak nak makan, padahal masing-masing sebelum masuk kedai dah cakap lapar.I keep telling them yang I tak kisah but berkeras jugak memasing tak nak makan.Last-last I pon cakap, okaylah..I'll eat.Maka, terkorbanlah posa I semalam.Over lunch, they asked me 'will you be in trouble?' I just said 'ahh..ne'mind...I can choose one day after Ramadhan to replace today'. My boss cakap...'that easy?'. Ye lah..apa ke yang susahnya.And after that, for the big chunk of the lunch time saw me discussing Islam with them.Terasa macam Ustazah aje. I keep telling them how I am not a perfect Muslim myself but what I believe is that what we do is within our capacity. I have had people telling me that I am excusing my guilt of not practising Islam properly.Well, I am not. Of course, the guilt of not being able to be proper Muslim is in me and how I wish I am given a greater strength to fight my demon.

Dugaan Nombor 2 - Sebelum I pergi Brussels, I dah pesan dengan MB to regularly check my emails and kalau ada feedback from Airmiles regarding our flight ticket, sila bayar dengan serta merta. This is because, Airmiles quoted me a very good rate. Tetapi...semalam baru ku tahu yang MB tak respond langsung email tu (in fact, dia tak langsung check my emails, malah surat credit card pun tak dibukak nya and now I probably have to pay the late payment fee) I am now told that my tickets is gone and I have to re book with price now fluctuate to almost £700 per person, demi nak balik raya punya pasal. Aduhhhhhhhaaiiiiiiiii....I am now scouting around, plus terpaksa makan pasir mengontact si cousin I yang I tak berapa berkenan sangat tu to ask her if she can get me a staff price MAS ticket.Her last 2 emails was simply 'I'll check' aje. Makin kelabu lah mata dan hati ku.

Dugaan Nombor 3 - My boss, si TDM yang halia tu (what is halia in English? Ni racist comment tau) dengan takde belas kasihan nya pi hantar I buat crisis management kat satu secure unit kat South London sinun tu......Is it not the journey that bothers me, eventhough I kena tukar 2,3 train nak sampai ke Crystal Palace tu.Burung gagak adalah kaum-kaum yang memonopoli area South London ni.Susah betul nak nampak orang putih.I was asked to see this rape victim who is also a nymphomaniac by nature.Again, her sexual preference does not bother me the slightest walaupun bila I baca report nya, Minah ni berkongketan sampai roboh bawahnya...I rather not elaborate part apa yang roboh tu.And as you know, I only see 'special' patient...yakni yang ada learning difficulties.Disebabkan dia lah yang menjadi punca conflict dalam secure unitnya, my boss suruh I buat 'therapeutic visit' nak bagi dia calm...and I was told of how long she has gone without by the nurses there. There I was thinking, this nympho...how on earth any nice word can calm her nerves down, considering is not 'soothing words' that she is after. But I tried. Tried and tried sampai at one point, how I wish I am anak murid Mahaguru Tah sapa-sapa yang boleh buat diri jadik invicible, and after turning into invicible mode, mahu ku cakar and bakar mukanya.She kept on saying 'Eff this, eff that....ohhh..you can tell this and that person to eff themselves'. Dalam pada kepala hotak yang tak centre tu, boleh lagi mencarut sesedap rasa kan?

Dugaan Dari Last week sampai ke 4 ke 5 minggu akan datang - SiTua yang patah kaki tu. Kalau lah tak mengenangkan kakinya yang patah tu, mahu ku racun aje makanan dia.Bagi mati terus.I don't know how I manage to sabar...and I know this is all down to berpuasa.I have not been eating properly.I have an alarm to remind me the buka puasa and sahur time. Kenkadang bila alarm buka puasa beeping, I dalam train...nak makan hapanya? Makanlah Crisps and Diet Coke. By the time I reached home, I have to attend to si Tua tu, siapkan barang makan dia sampai I sendiri lupa nak makan.And when the morning come, I realised that for the last 24 hours, I only had Crisps and Coke.Nothing else.

Moral dari cerita saya ini....I read in the Malaysian News about people yang kena tangkap tak puasa. Apa ke masalahnya tak nak puasa ni? With all the foods and takde dugaan like orang-orang makan depan you, masih tak larat ke puasa? Macam cakap Lee, people think that by being here, we may have liberty to taknak puasa pasalnya, susah betul nak puasa dikalangan orang tak puasa, and if we had opt to taknak posa pun, sapa yang akan tau kan? But for some reason, we still do and we will continue unless kalau dah nak pengsan sesangat....

Sekian....

Two Men, Too Little Time

I have started reading the Dina Zaman's book since last Monday.When comes to reading, I must say that I am rather impatient and anti climax, that explains why I read newspaper back to front.I have resigned from reading books yang tebalnya mengalahkan batu tela simply because it is time consuming and the fact that I dah makin tua and pelupa.Once I started it and take a break after few pages, I normally ended up re-reading the book because I have forgotten what it was all about the moment I resume reading it.

Not wanting to stop reading books completely, I now opt to short stories and that do me good as habis baca satu cerita, besok sambung baca cerita lain, all in one book.I have personal reasons to wanting to read DZ book and the fact that the book (s) came all the way from KL courtesy of Kiah & Bella made me doubly eager.I was on the Victoria Line tube to Vauxhall yesterday and forgotten my IPOD. Not wanting to mengurangkan pahala posa dengan memandang pisang-pisang segar/kecut dipagi hari, I had to find other alternative to stop my eyes from straying. I took out DZ book from my knapsack and began reading (although, I usually cannot read in moving vehicle) After few minutes, I macam terasa-rasa ada orang pandang and started to feel slightly uncomfortable, and only after a while that I realised that I am reading 'I AM MUSLIM' book on a tube packed with morning commuters.Apa makna nya ni? Not wanting to be the centre of attention and certainly not wanting to be mistaken a female acquiantance of Azhari Hussin, I pun simpan lah buku tu dalam beg sambil tersipu-sipu.

Speaking of reading...eversince I balik from my Brussels/Paris trip, my mailbox has been inundated by email from Mr You Don't Know Who.This guy yang kisah kesiamangannya dah puas ku war-war dalam blog ni semenjak 2,3 menjak ni macam dah takde kerja lain, rajin bebenor menghantar email kat I. That is guy number 1.

Guy number 2, Kiah....you will love this, Jantan Tembam...isk..tak baik lah...astaghfirullah...K. The day that he decided to menunjukkan kemachoan nya yang tak bertempat tu yakni memutuskan talian telepon tanpa membagi chance aku membela diri, I thought, that will be the last I heard of him.Or so I thought.

Guy number 1, I thought I am doing both of us a favour by not responding to his emails.For god knows why, he is so keen to keep in touch.He have been but knowing me, how fragile I can be (and I have been) I decided some while ago that enough is enough.But semenjak puasa ni...I really thought hard about him. Apa yang gigih sangat ni? Nak kata nak menyambung silaturrahim, what sort of silaturrahim can you have with an ex girlfriend? Silatur-benda-lain lah nanti kan, Kiah? By the look of it, he have been emailing me daily, Monday to Friday (nampak nau pakai computer office) and this is regular since his Europe trip. To kill my curiosity (before it kills me) or gatal more like, I gave him a response.I also thought hard about doing this...tak nak le luka lama berdarah kembali.I keep telling myself, I dah moved on...so, nak kengkawan, apalah salahnya kan? My response was very little (plus nak tunjuklah yang I ni tak le berminat sangat) I wrote, received your emails, I have been busy. Hope you're keeping well. Selamat Berpuasa. Tersangatlah plainnya...ala-ala takde nafsu gitu.

By writing that, I got 2 reply from him on the same day.

Guy number 2, K, selepas tunjuk perasaan dalam telepon, terus tak call and by the time he did, I was already travelling and my mobile was diverted to the house phone. Tapi, house phone pulak dah disconnected. He tried his luck again few days after I balik from France by texting me.Wishing me selamat berpuasa.I didn't reply (in fact, this time...my charger tah mana-mana diamnya so sesiapa yang call, mampus lah tak berjawab) This guy is easily offended...and being a mulut puaka that I am, this is the type of people I should avoid, tak pasal-pasal, aku disantaunya.I assumed that dia dah sakit hati (lucky me) and will stop contacting me completely.Nope.He rang me on Monday...ajak buka puasa sesama.

What is it with men? Ada selective memory loss kah? The first guy, dumped me and pretend that we only buddy-buddy all that 10 years aku berchenta dengan dia and pastu now ni, nak jejak kasih pulak...and 2nd guy, dah dihempasnya telepon kat I, tanpa nak mintak mahap ke apa, terus ajak I buka puasa dengan dia?

I am not sure if I am suppose to be flattered by the attention.

I was quite direct with K, when I spoke to him on Monday.

I really don't want to waste your time. What do you mean? I'm sure you're not that stupid.Ohh..pasal hari tu ke? Sorry la, I tengah angin. I miss you. That's huge, are you sure? I miss talking to you. If you want to talk, you just say want you want to say, but frankly, I don't want to be responsible for your 'angin' and bear the brunt of it. Let's talk over buka puasa.There's something I want to tell.Don't tell me. I'm very busy, I have to tell you this.Nanti you jugak yang sakit hati.Please.

Bersambung.

Hati Batu

Makruh sangatlah puasa I hari ni.Habis aje menjadik nurse tak bertauliah i.e. membagi mandi and bagi makan, I opted to gurin-gurin atas katil.Seksa tau, dah lah tak sahur and kena siapkan food untuk orang lain makan.This is the agony bila tak kerja.At least when you're at work, tak terasa sangat perut nan kosong, tapi bila kat rumah, masa ni lah terkenang air kopi yang tak habis yang dah sejuk dalam mug (mind me, my favourite is always cold black coffee!!!)

When your (my) body is idle, macam-macam benda yang nak dipikir dalam kepala, especially benda-benda yang tak patut.I was thinking about the people that I'm not in speaking term with, some of them still alive and kicking and some of them (one,only one) is now somewhere in heaven looking down at me.

We often (why shouldn't we?) associate Ramadhan and Syawal with a noble things like rekindling bad relationships, especially with families. Okay...let's discuss this.

When we have a disagreement with people (apa kes, nak bergaduh-gaduh dengan kucing kan, Kiah?) we bound to see how others are so keen to help to get things right for the affected parties. Why wouldn't they, siapa yang suka tengok orang bergaduh/bermasam muka and berkecik-kecik hati sesama sendiri kan? I used to get involved, especially if I know how much they mean to one another.But eversince I started to have conflict of my own, getting involved is no longer a clever things to do. I believe that we get into a difficult situation, we quite rightly have a reason to do so. Having disagreement is normal, we can't expect others to see things the way we do, and when we do see things the way we do, we can get very iffy when others don't and not prepared even to give us the benefit of our doubt.

I think I was mature enough to start my first ever disagreement with my late uncle. I think I was only 14, not mature enough but certainly not stupid.However enough to scar my feelings for him.It's all started when I talk back, I wasn't prepared to be bullied over things I think I didn't do wrong, but the family elders or shall I say, in our community for anyone younger voicing disagreement to anyone older is a no-no.I was called 'kurang ajar' and I stand up for it. After that, all I get from them was a snide remark all the time I can remember. I stopped speaking to the whole lot. I know they are after my humble apology for speaking out. Sorry but no one is getting it. It was a long feud between me and that side of a family, surprisngly, my father was very calm about it, considering that it was his brother that I am angry with.But I believe my parents know that I am not the sort of person who like to cause conflict. My parents tried to talk me into mending the badly burnt bridges...but, I am so certain that I did nothing wrong and I want to prove that. In the end, my uncle passed away. I was at work when my father broke the new in tears. I went to see his body, say my prayer and kissed his forehead. But, I didn't apologised, because there's is nothing to apologised for.Sampai sudah masih berfeeling-feeling Tenggang kan? When I think about it, the only thing that I did was speaking out, voicing my disagreement with him and like any elders, he took offence and I can't be responsible for that. I do see his wife and my cousins every now and then and I also know about how they once actively slandering me all over, speaking ill of my non-tolerance behaviour, but hey, until they turned dumb, who else can stop them?

Once more I got into another family feud, with my Mak Janda aunt (I am not slagging off any divorcee but my aunty, she is one hell of a different case) I never really argue with her and I am always this docile kind of person who gets whats given.But she is just one horrible person and everyone just put up with her, maybe because she is janda anak 4.All other family member is making allowances for her acid tongue yang takde insurance tu.Whenever I'm upset with her, my mother always remind me of her predicament yang sengsara ditinggal laki and have to bear with 4 anak without any help from the husband and my mother always said that she (my aunt) has a good heart. I believe her, infact I do believe that my aunt really is a good person behind her nasty exterior.But, as the time passed, younger generations refused to be bullied and in my case, enough is enough, I can think for myself and she must be taught a lesson too. I refused to stay docile and quiet much longer. Something happened in my family and I lashed out, at my uncle and this Mak Janda. I physically threatened to kill my uncle in the present of my father and other family members who was stunned looking at me in total disbelief. This quiet little girl is now screaming abuse to a grown up man.

Years after years my mother, the peacemaker....has never stopped to talk me into forgiving them for the sake of the family. Let bygone be bygone lah...biar orang jahat dengan kita, kita jangan lah jadi macam dia.I know that when I'm coming home for raya soon, ni lah antara salah satu dari agenda my mother, selain dari mencarik laki untuk anak dara tua dia ni.

Well, I know my mother meant well, so is everyone of you who tried hard to help yourself into berbaik-baik dengan your own sipencari gaduh.But,do you really think that as a human that we really suka nak bergaduh-gaduh? No we don't. I hated being in this position.But, once hati dah terluka, we ought to let others know that we are hurting that for them who were hurting us that this is not something they should take lightly.I have patients telling me how they're not speaking to their parents anymore...and honestly, to ask them to rekindle their relationship with the troublemaker is not something I gladly suggest.There's a reason for every fight and other than us and the troublemaker, no one else is the wiser.

I am at risk of giving a bad advise here, but, what is the point making amends for the sake of making amends? Can we have peace of mind or peace in the heart for that? Some enemies are not worth making amend with, simply because no matter how hard you tried, they will not be happy and we can't be happy when they're not. Islam quoted that tak bercakap 3 hari can cause dosa besar.As much as we don't want to commit dosa besar by not talking, will it worth talking on daily basis only to be at each others throat?

My mother once said that I am the keras hati type. I do feel bad that fights and disagreement happened, but my heart is already broken and until I made peace within myself, I'm afraid I can't offer any olive branch to people that have caused me grief.

All I can is sorry and now is not the right time. Maybe me and my enemies will find our peace in the world after, insya allah.


****Sungguh tak bermoral posting ini ye...so, jangan tiru macam saya***

When Setan Operates...Volume 1

Majority blog yang I baca hari ni encompassed around their first day puasa. My first day of Ramadhan, nak kata perfect gilak, sik ada laa..

1st, si Tua tu jatuh tangga and telah mematahkan certain tulang kat jari kaki dia plus, adalah tah hapa-hapa yang crack kat lutut dia. I had no choice but terpaksa transformed jadik Nurse, benci tau, especially kalau your patient tu yang type-type, sakit sikit mengada lebih. I was so busy attending to my partner's needs that I lost sight of mine. Dah le the day before that, orang lain tak start puasa, I dah laju je start and now, when its really is the beginning, I don't even have a proper food to eat for sahur.

In the end, the night before, I makan maggi and chocolate and I was so looking forward to get up early morning to cook fried egg sandwich. Tiba-tiba, I terbangun pukul 6am. Nak sahur apanya?

Maka, berpuasalah I dengan berbekalkan maggi mee dalam perut. I was in Peterborough the whole day yesterday and by the time I reached London around 7pm, I was asked to go to Ealing. Masa dalam bus, I called MB, pasalnya, I noticed that suasana ala-ala dah gelap gitu and rasa-rasanya macam dah waktu buka puasa. I tanya MB, oii bukak puasa pukul berapa hah? MB, dah le tak puasa (lupa mandi wajib katanya...) bagitau I, ohh, someone given me the jadual, hari ni bukak puasa pukul 8.31pm

But I really feel something tak kena pasal pukul 7.30pm dah gelap semacam...and I made another call to MB, oii..kau ni betul ke bukak puasa pukul 8.31pm..ni macam dah malam pekat aje ni? MB dengan rasa tak berdosanya terus cakap, I ada time table tau, tapi kalau you tak tahan..you buka lah...and I was, ye la..ye la...

Mana-mana blog yang ku baca ari ni, semuanya kata buka posa pukul 7.20 pm. Yang I ni, dahle tak nak bertanya orang, dengan perut yang amatlah kosong, bersakanlah posa sampai pukul 8, patutlah semalam cam rasa nak meninggal aje...

Again this morning, I only ate biskut bantal and asams....and black coffee, pastu, setan punya kuasa, terberaklah I dengan puasnya sampai kosong perut. Nah..sekarang ni, perut dah kosong, ada yang sikit lagi rasa nak pitam!!!

People say that the setan operates actively during the month of Ramadhan. I'm not so sure siapakah setan yang sebenar, MB ke or my bowel system. Bila hari tak puasa, sampai berdarah-darah nak keluar taik.Bila puasa, takyah senokot, laju aje dia bagi signal nak berak.

Orang Tamak Selalu...

Well, people always end that say with 'RUGI'. But today, I discover that the result of being tamak is the opposite.

As a young girl, I am always a fan of Adibah Amin. I must say that I love her English and there was a time when she teach English over the radio program and aku lah yang jadik pendengar setianya. While browsing the net, I come across a very good review of her book 'As I Was Passing' and hatiku meronta-ronta nak memilikinya.According tu si pompuan malas mandi tu, this book was produced ages ago. But maybe we (as in me and this book) didn't get the opportunity to cross each others path. I also come across a good review of 'I Am Muslim' by DZ, an old acquaintance of mine (boleh ke kira claim to fame ni?) Knowing Dina, I am expecting some controversial and acidic touch in her writings and I know that this is a piece that I shouldn't miss.

My friends keep asking me 'You nak apa, you nak apa'...as you all know, I can no longer hope for Raja Nazrin, so kalau mintak nak Raja Nazrin pun dah tak guna. I am so into asam-asam but no, I am not pregnant. Sperm donor takde lah, Kiah. My biskut bantal is long gone dimakan oleh orang yang bila suruh beli angkut bawak balik London taknak, tapi bila nak makan lajuuuuuu aje (siapalah tu ye?) and yes, that is my answer to question 'You nak apa-apa tak from KL'.

I remember asking Belladonna sometime ago, however reading her predicament with her family issues, I kind of get the feeling that she has got loads on her plate and looking for books is something she will not do in a hurry.But my impatientness got the better of me (Bella....so sorry ye, yang) and When PMM (pompuan malas mandi) asked, Eh Esah..ko nak apa, I pun dengan muka tak malunya mintak lah 'Eh..I want asams and that two books'. Tak cukup dengan tu, tunggu-tunggu, after 2 weeks tak nampak bayang, I made a special entry on my blog throwing tantrum, demanding it from PMM after all my hints tak jalan.

Now, the moment I arrived office today, my assistant told me that there was a card left by Royal Mail and Parcel Force on the week I was in Belgium and she has collected it for me. Guess what is in both parcel?

The items that I have requested, one of each and in pairs.

I was gobsmacked (tak lama, because after belek-belek the books, I terus makan the asams and the biscuits) and embarrassed. What kind of a person I am? Tamak? Haloba? Gila?

To both Bella & Kiah, I can't thank you enough. Your parcel really made my day. I woke up late this morning and missed the sahur and I bukak puasa makan biskut aje.Nak pengsan you, puasa sampai 8.30 pm

Speaking of being tamak, as you can literally see, I now ada another pair of As I Was Passing and I Am Muslim. This is a good book and worth reading. I wonder any Melayu in the UK fancy having it? Let me know.Kiah & Bella, now is your time to submit a request.

Early Ramadhan

I seriously thought that kita semua start puasa hari ni. I have been reading Ramadhan wishes all over the blogsphere and it's all seems too near. I lost tracked (errrr...kalau kata tak tahu sangat, kena kutuk tak dengan PAS?) of the Muslim Calendar. I know that we fast in Ramadhan and beraya di bulan syawal.After the significant months, I usually back to normal circulation of December to December. I thought I overheard from someone that the Ramadhan starts on the 12th. Hahhh....listen to this.

I usually get very excited about fasting. Because I'm alone here (as in family pun jauh) I treat the month of Ramadhan extra special to mark my stance of being a Muslim (apa makna nya ni, Allah aje lah yang tau...sembahyang malas, Muslim hapa ke benda aku ni?) I will announce dengan bongkaknya to the whole office that I will be fasting for the next 30 days and hidung ku akan lah mengembang kempis bila orang dok puji-puji, Eh..how did you do it...bla,bla,bla. I don't know about you, but getting praised by the non-muslim here for fasting really made my day. Since I arrived from Paris last Friday, I have been too busy to notice what day it is. We vacated our flat last Sunday and I have been at work since Saturday. Last night, at 2am (still in the office) I suddenly realised the date (12th) and how I recalled a text message to Makji Eton, reminding him about Puasa. Teruslah I menggelabah.I really want to do the first day fasting. Whatever it takes...I was told that the first day of fasting will wipe away your dosa from the day you were born. I have been making dosa on a daily basis, so can you blame me for getting extra apprehensive? I also realised that I haven't 'mandi' yet. Alamak...ni lah padahnya bertangguh-tangguh. But I thought...takpelah, I have not seen any traces of blood since Sunday and I am convinced that I am clean, it is just I haven't done the proper mandi with the baca-baca. I was thinking, tuhan tau.Takpelah...I really,really nak puasa. I said my niat (in bahasa) and ate 2 apples for sahur.

Current season mean that the buka puasa will be at least 8.30 to 9.00 pm, I tried once, it was terrible having to wait that long but in the end, I succeeded.While at work, I got a phone call from F, jatuh tangga katanya and dia rasa macam kaki dia dah patah. I rushed to St.Bart's Hospital in the City and we waited 5 hours to get everything done, the plaster cast what not. Maka, si tua tu akan berjalan dengan kaki berbalut macam org kena untut and crutches. While waiting for the nurses and paramedic to register us out, I called MB1 to ask if she puasa ke tidak, knowing that si MB1 malas puasa. I swear I saw a woman in tudung makan sandwich, dalam hati kata, selambanya minah ni. But this is England, kalau you tak puasa pun takde orang nak tangkap bawak masuk kereta mayat kan? Si MB terus kata, hoii..puasa besok lah!!! Dengan tak puas hatinya, after we arrived home, I pun check lah internet to see if today is the 1st Ramadhan. Haiyoo....baru 30 Syaaban?

Well, tak apalah. Kira testing-testing lah tu kan? Hopefully, I will reduce kutuking other people, but honestly, it is hard not to.Banyak betul gossips nak cerita.After all, I am only human kan? Blessed with mulut puaka.

To all, Selamat Berpuasa.

Kebengangan Yang Diluar Tabii

As a woman, typically, I experienced days where every little things is madness. God knows how I tried hard to be un-brand from the PMT label. Men can just blame our disproportionate emotion as a ‘PMT’ stress and not willing at all to be blame, although not all the excessive emotion is developed from PMT. Just because we have moment of discomfort i.e. sakit perut yang macam sial and kena conscious memanjang takut terbocor and stained the cushion kereta or office, doesn’t mean that we are all ruled under the certain type of unbalanced moon. We do get upset for a reason jugak. Especially to those yang berperangai macam celaka.

With no bush to beat around, I have to tell you that for the last couple of days, I was feeling very upset about few things. Moving home and having to squeeze everything into 2 days while still having to go to work is just horrendous. Stress takes toll on everything. By the time everything is shifted, I am now having trouble to find my necessary bits and bobs yang dah ku taruk tah kat dalam mana-mana kotak tah. Mobile phone jumpa, tapi charger tak tau letak kat mana…facial scrub jumpa, cream muka hilang lah pulak…sakit betul hati.

So, if you’re reading this, this is not a proper update. I really have to vent out my frustration about myself and it covers lot of aspect…frust dengan diri sendiri, frust dengan orang, frust dengan public transport and frust dengan rambut yang kusut pasal hair straightener boleh tiba-tiba ghaib.

Let’s do the bit FRUST DENGAN DIRI SENDIRI first. Semenjak dua tiga menjak I took a break from therapy work ni, I find myself to be a keen ‘shit’ collector. I was having problem with the people that I worked with but fortunately, I have a choice to remove and reinstate people (of course through proper channel) that doesn’t function well anymore. The whole process of disregarding the office refuse is upsetting because to me, somehow it turned to be very personal and is affecting me emotionally. I have worked so hard to be where I am now and along the way, have put lots of trust into people. I become so obsessed and focused into making things better only to realised that while I was busy focusing and obsessing, I have inadvertently exposed myself as an open book and allow the evil to study my weakness and to jump at the first opportunity to crucify me. What really gets to me is that I actually noticed this but how can I allow it to happen is beyond imagination. This has happened far so many times and still, I’m not sure if it is stubbornness or stupidity. Maybe it’s both. And for that, I am very, very frustrated. But by writing this, I think I have managed to move on a bit. In my case, to tell if I’m dealing with it is by hearing me talking about it. I just got tired of sulking I guessed.

FRUST DENGAN ORANG….by the time I finished this, you will probably know who am I talking about. I don’t care what they feel anymore because after what been said, why should I? I am not perfect, my friends are not perfect but we are genuine. We can’t make you happy but I truly believe that we tried. I bent over backwards and to be openly critisised over something that doesn’t make sense really annoys me. Well, it is true that with human, you can’t win. Because they are never happy and never will be. I am human and I know that I myself am hard to please but I know people who tried had tried what they can and for that I really must appreciate. This person came to my flat and demanded to be treated like a king. Well, on behalf of my friends, we are sorry we can’t give you what you think you deserved. We just can’t. We do feel bad but under the circumstances we’re in, what you see is what you get. But…you’ll probably say that what’s been said is a joke. Fair enough. It is just that, your joke is not funny. Why I bother helping you, god knows. You’re lucky that you are surrounded by nice people. I am just not interested any more. In life, we do experienced bad things happened to us. Sometimes, things happened for educational purposes e.g. you got cheated or badly treated by some monkey and in future, you will know not to be too trusting. Sometimes bad things happened simply because of karma. You jahat dengan orang, orang jahat dengan you balik. This guy apparently have bad things happened to him recently. By the sound of it, his problems are self-inflicted and I now believe that he deserved what happened to him. Something for him to learn. I have to say that I don’t have time for you anymore. Go away and sort yourself out.

Frustration yang lain-lain? Nantilah I cerita…….

September Shares

This is just a short post. Takde kena mengena kepada yang debab, tembam ataupun yang kurus keding. I have been very busy, dengan orang datang rumahnya,dengan sibuk nak pindah rumahnya and in between, kerja office yang berlambak-lambak (if only I don't blog while at work nescaya selesailah kerja-kerja ku...but nak buat camne, tak blog tak happy kan?)

I will be away from from and office starting tomorrow until Friday and dalam pada tu, mobile phone ku akan ku divertkan ke phone office maka sesiapa yang akan terhantuk kepala and tersadar dari kebangangannya hanging up his phone line while talking to me, gasaklah kau bercakap dengan answering machine ye?

I wish to thank Makji Eton & Coco Chanel yang sudi meluangkan masa datang kat rumah I yang ala-ala padang jarak sekarang ni...as you both can see, I am not at all a good host...makan pun tak tentu kan...dah lah tu, kami bantai paksa Makji Eton buat karipap. Apa punya perangai ni?

Thanks for all the comments yang I dah baca but tak sempat nak respond. Betapa gigihnya you all nak tau pasal Jejaka Tembam turned Psychobable tu...tengoklah, I pun dah malas nak layan but can't help to feel terrible kan...sebab, aku pun boleh tahanlah jugak gatalnya melayan dia. Manalah Pakcik tu tak angin...but I seriously can't think of anything I did wrong...but, gasaklah dia ...pandai merajuk, pandailah pujuk diri sendiri.

There's few things yang ada dalam kepala yang nak dikomplen, tapi tak ada masa pulak nak tulis...pasal Merdeka Day Celebration, pasal ECA ku yang dah mengantar email yang panjang lebar....pasal apa ye Kiah?

But, I'll soon be back.

Take Care.

*****Apa? Chelsea bongkak yang perasan bagus tu boleh kalah dengan Aston Vanilla? Padannnn...padannnnnnnn muka sesangat!!!!****

Updates

After the First goal....sempat ambik gambar sambil macam Crisps tau...

I am allowed a blogging day off am I? Well, since this is considered jawatan tetap tak bergaji tapi dilakukan semasa makan gaji buta, I think I should be allowed for at least 10 days in a month. For my new visitors, I am indeed very touch with your compliments and seperti biasa, Makji Esah yang sungguh lah popular mengeluarkan janji-janji manis ala-ala Party MIC (k.e.y.m.o.u.s.e.)ni berjanji yang I will visit your blog when I get round to it. Kepada yang komplen, what can I say other than...sebelum kau nak kutuk aku yang tak nampak bayang, kau tu hapa cerita? Diri sendiri tak hapdate, nak kata aku ye? Eh..siapakah orang itu?

I certainly have tales to tell, of what been happening since Monday and I have to say, these past couple of days is really not the best of time kepada para-para jantan durjana yang tah hapa mimpinya semenjak dua menjak ni, gigih betul nak menunjukkan muka. I have to start packing my belongings in my current flat to begin with that obviously, claimed almost 99% of my energy. Masa nilah mulut ringan nak maki-maki orang, tu lah..bila orang beli furniture, dia pun nak beli furniture, tapi bila tang angkat mengangkat, tak nak menolong!!! Ciss...bedebah betul kawan serumah ku ini.The thing is, we are leaving our current flat yang sangatlah cantik ni on the 10th September, tetapi memandang kan yang I will be away from the 3rd to 7th, the bestest way is to move the berat-berat one first, katil, lemari, chest drawer and anything yang tak kan termuat dalam kereta. Being practical (or kedekut nak mampus) that we are (I am!!!) we thought hiring a van is a good idea because we just have to pay the day rate and then all the hangkut-mengakut job can be done in our own sweet time.The only disadvantage is that tugas hangkut mengangkut ni terpaksalah dilakukan sendiri tanpa bantuan abang-abang gagah. Well, honestly, next time kalau nak pindah lagi, let the Van man buat kerja-kerja mengangkut ni sebabnya, terseksa betul jiwa raga, batin, tulang tangan kaki, hati and otak membuat kerja-kerja ni. The whole day on Tuesday I dok moaning, manalah jantan-jantan ni bila kita nak pakai diorang kan? Jantan-jantan omputih sini kalau nak mintak tolong angkat furniture, siap tanya siang-siang, ada insurance ke bagai if nanti tulang belulang they all terkehel. Haiyooo....dengan kawan-kawan pun nak tanya insurance ke?

The angkut-mengangkuting finished nearly 9pm on Tuesday. Badan punya sakit, tuhan sajalah yang tahu.I keep telling MB, kita beli rumah pasni, tak kuasa aku nak angkat-angkat lagi...knowing the reality that buying house in the UK or in London to be precise, 2 bedrooms ground floor garden flat is like buying rumah kat Taman Tun. Only Taman Tun rumah ada 5 bilik with pool and garden yang boleh pasang khemah kenduri kahwin and in London, flat besar sikit je dari rumah anjing pastu, tanah leasehold yang after certain years, owner boleh sesuka ati ambik although you had paid arm and leg and head even, for the flat.See, rumah lain, tanah lain. Cam cilanat kan?

I also completely forgotten yang my ECA is in town and akan berambus malam besok. My mailbox is full with his messages yang nak jumpa, nak jumpa.(Eh...siapa nak jumpa you hah?) Not only that, si Debab yang tak reti-reti bahasa tu hari-hari dok hantar text messages and telephone I, free sangat ke kau?

I decided to ignore his mails, partly because I'm too busy with moving my things about and ada meeting sana-sini and with my boss yang hari ni cakap lain, besok mintak benda lain and my patients yang hari ni okay...besok boleh nampak Julius Caesar dalam bilik dia. Well,tough to those yang baru sekarang ni terkenang kat I. You had your chances (haaa..chances kau) but by saying this, I can sensed my anger and my anxiety over knowing that he is near. We have been apart for so long. There was a time in the day since Tuesday yang I dok cuba apply on positive thinking, kenangkan si Jantan ni was my boyfriend for 10 long years, tak mahukah aku move on and kawan macam gitu-gitu aje dengan dia? I don't think so. Podahhhh...podahhhhhh.

Yang satu lagi si Debab ni, nak kata tak paham bahasa...thinking back, I yang tak cakap direct dengan dia.So, in a way it is my fault.I could have done but I didn't pasal kes dia merajuk that day. But after badan, hati dengan kepala yang dah sakit, I am so not in a mood to layan orang macam ni. It started when I texted him back on Monday night, telling him that I will be very busy and I'm not so sure about the Merdeka Day thingy but if I do go, I will then go with my friends (basically telling him that I already have plan lah kan? Although not directly telling him I tak nak pergi dengan dia) But if you do go, I hope you enjoy it. Macam tu la message I kat dia...and cam biawak kurang ajar nya, he replied 'K'. K hapa? Kambing????? Tu lah, badan dah debab sangat, nak sebut the whole word 'okay' pun tak larat. The next day, I was busy angkut-angkut barang, I hardly ever have time to check my mobile phone berbunyi ke tidak and it was after 9pm that I realised that JT called 11 times and messaged me twice.

Message 1 : Need to talk about Saturday. Call me if you have time (12:34 noon)

Message 2 : Where are you. Call back urgent (6.30 pm)

Because he rightfully put it 'call me when you have time', maka jawapan nya, tak kan adalah aku nak call you, because I don't have time. Maka tunggulah ye sampai I free, and second message macam puaka, as if I gf dia or someone who berhutang dengan dia. Message cam ni sampai kat I (if you're not close friend or family) jgn mimpilah I nak layan. I was so bengang that I decided to ignore it.

I pulak ada plan nak tengok Arsenal game yesterday and after work, berlarilah I keluar office nak menyampaikan ke Emirates by 7.30 pm. While waiting for bus, I heard my mobile phone ringing and his number come up, not realising that he had been calling 5 times before I answered that call, I dengan tanpa rasa sangsi jawablah kan.

' I have been calling you since yesterday' (suara cam tension) 'Why didn't you return my call?'

I am not so sure if I ni bangang ke or sewel...so I decided to respond in a way that I thought funny...kira-kira nak joke dengan dia lah kan.

'Oh...K, if you're not someone I know I certainly going to file a complaint about you violating my privacy......(gelak-gelak) I busy lah semalam'

'Well, lain kali kalau tak suka, cakap lah...tak payah I buang masa'

Tupppp!!!!! Line got cut off. What? He is hanging up on me? Sakit ke apa dia ni? You know what, I don't even want to think about that. Lucky Arsenal beat Sparta 3-0 and I'm so looking forward to meet the Britain Next Top Model besok yang datang all the way from York and Dublin. Haiyoo....dia letak telephone you, dia letak telephone!!!!! Berani dia kan?

Sunday Notes

I realised yesterday night and this morning while aku dengan jahatnya committing an act of gaji buta i.e. bloghopping kat office that ramai betul blog page yang cantik-cantik templates nya. I know sometimes back that I was so gatal wanted a new templates for my page, but memandangkan I ni bukanlah computer savvy and no matter how many amount of self-taught pun takde lah akan menjadinya, so that kegatalan seems to go away, temporarily.

But last night, I went around to look for free blog templates and come across yang cantik-cantik and downloaded some of them.It was supposed to be easy with only code to copy and then, paste lah kat tempat 'Edit HTML' tu. Puaslah aku bersengkang mata until 3am, and the only messages that I get from the Blogger is that the code is silap la, pundek la...and kesudahannya, hapa pun tak de. By the time I realised yang I dok membanting tulang for something so unnecessary (but this desire to change my current template to a nicer one seem so necessary last night) it was already 3am and it was too late to go home and no one in a right state of mind will tunggu that 24 hours bus. What annoy me the most, I was suppose to have the behaviour analysis report of one mangkuk hayun by Tuesday, and I only managed to muster 1 page in that 18 hours...yang selebihnya, bloghopping. Haruslah nak kena maki dengan si TDM tu kan?

I have now resigned to the fact that I'm not at all clever with this computer graphic thingy.I continue working til about 3pm and still the report masih tak siap!!!

I think I am unconsciously anxious with the fact that JT is going to this Merdeka Celebration this Saturday, padahal, I dah siap-siap buat plan nak bergalok dengan Makji Eton, Mak Leemah and few more pompuan durjana yang kemaruk nak makan satay.This is like a huge desperation of makan satay ni, first you have to brave the queue, pastu the satay come in 6 cucuk and be ready to pay at least £4.00 dengan so ungenerous amount of kuah kacang and nasik himpit.By the time all that satay masuk dalam mulut, you might wonder what you spent that £4.00 on. Ni semualah yang tak sabar nak balik KL ni.

JT called twice asking if I have time to talk, as I am a gifted transparent liar, I cooked up excuses yang masuk lah ke akalnya maka twice today, aku terselamat dari listening to him whinging and moaning.Still, dengan tak mau kalah, he said, I ring you tomorrow, let's talk about Saturday'.

Haiyoo...I can see myself jadik his babysitter if I invited him along with my troop or if I agree on travelling with him...(habislah reputasiku sebagai pompuan melayu terakhir kan?) Either way, with or without me, JT will be going to that Celebration. It is either I have to look for a secluded spot to melepak kat Tun Razak Centre tu so that dia tak nampak I, or I just have to borrow the Somalian woman purdah yang habis bijik mata pun kena cover, so that I can bergerak bebas even depan JT without him knowing that I am there.

How lah? Just about to enjoy the Bank Holiday and now, bertambah benganglah I nak memikirkan si baby debab ni yang bakal merengek macam budak kecik mintak nak ikut dibawak berjalan tomorrow.Ciss! Ciss! Ciss!

Saturdaze

Somebody decided to make a lawatan mengejut kat Twickenham today, only bad timing that I was actually at Finsbury Park, 40 minutes away from where he said he was calling me from. I really should tell him that I am now with someone, some people or more precisely said, jantan ni kenkadang if they think that you're free, they thought that you got nothing better to do or nobody to see. I think JT assumed that I am single and I, orang tak tanya so buat apa susah-susah nak bagitau orang kan? Lagipun, bachelor ( I really mean singleton) can still do the MBA thingy....Married But Available...and life will be so colourful dengan adegan cakar-tumbuk-makihamunan kan?

I asked F if I can go out and meet an old schoolmate, of which (sebab dah berbaik-baik ni, apa aku mintak kasik lah kan) dia bagi dengan senang hati sebab dia pun nak tengok Arsenal game. So, tadi petang, berlangsunglah adegan dating-datingan antara Makji Esah dengan Duda-to-be K kat Old Compton street (motif pilih gay bar for lunch?) I was so impressed dengan kegigihannya nak travel ke Central London today. It was a nice day with good weather with a bright sun (as if aku suka matahari) and ramai betul mamat-mamat naik tube dengan tak pakai baju tayang sic pack diorang, boleh?

He was a bit uneasy when I only opted Chicken Caesar Salad for lunch and I pulak, betul lah tak pakai otak kan...pi cakap kat dia that I have to watch my figure yang dah makin debab sejak balik dari Dublin ni. (Honest truth, last night I ordered Indian takeaway and all content of the cartons gone in 60 minutes, melantak cam tak hengat donia)

Well next time, kalau you all keluar dengan sesiapa yang bersize debab dari you all, janganlah pi cakap kat orang tu yang you nak jaga makan sebab tak nak jadik gemuk, pasalnya, si K tadi terus terasa (hish...macam pompuan lah pulak) yang I kata dia gemuk. Hello ? Okay, how very insensitive of me, but you all meh sini I nak bagitau, I am not good at menyindir orang, I was talking about me...and K, being supersize me nya, terus cakap (meluat I tau dengan adegan-adegan merajuk ni) I tau lah I dah gemuk, tak payahlah sindir-sindir...

Hish...siapa yang sindir you? Kalau dah rasa diri tu gemuk, gemuk lah kan...janganlah makan banyak-banyak. Pergi lah berdiet ke, liposuction ke, hapa ke...furthermore, you obviously happy with your size and jangan lah tiba-tiba nak emosi pulak. Well, if you must know, ini semua kata-kata dalam hati aje. What I actually said to him is that I am talking about me and I don't even realised that he got weight issue (penipu sangat kan I? Yang aku dok mengumpat dia dalam blog ni tak sedar)

And bermulalah kisah-kisah hingga terjadi nya supersize me. K told me that he developed an eating disorder bila dia di dumped oleh kekasih awal dan akhir MRSM nya tu. He lost sight of himself (that would explains it....he lost sight of his body but with clear visibility of food) I corrected him on what he thought was an eating disorder, you turned into comfort eating lah Encik, itu biasalah bila you tengah depressed, ada orang tak lalu makan and ada orang pulak terlalu-lalu pulak makan.The worst bit bila terlalu makan and terlalu pulak lupa exercise, makan badan pun kan menjadik terlalu besar lah kan? K said he was a lot bigger before and now he is losing weight (nak gelak...nak gelak...) and he needs motivation. He was looking in my eyes directly when he says he needs motivation tu, and aku pulak, eyyy, why are you looking at me? I pun makan macam Majlis Perbandaran tau...

I told him that please don't count on his lucky stars for me to be available for a meeting next time round. I told him about my work and how my weekend is sacred. I told him what I think of his new habit, suka-suka turn up and ajak I keluar, not that I am complaining but I really don't want to be in the situation where he merajuk sangat-sangat that day. I told him that I'm sure that he has other people he can pencil in for his next surprise visit.

'But you're different. I wish that we were close before, you're like my missing puzzle'

'What do you mean?' (Masa ni ayam Caesar Salad yang I tengah kunyah tu rasa macam nak tersangkut kat my kerongkong)

'When she left me (he is talking about his first gf) I was messed up big time. I feel suicidal at time and homicidal even...rasa nak pergi bunuh dia, but I can't do much. I met my wife, she was totally a different character and I thought I am going to be happy. But I am not, that frustrates me. I do have friends but they don't relate to me like you do.'

'You should really go out more'

'I don't think I can or I wanted to'

'Yes you can...there's plenty of people that can be your friends, man, woman'

'You understand me'

****Notes, I think K is the one-person person type. Or probably his confidence was shattered badly and this makes his vulnerability rather obvious***

'I take it that I'm the first person you spoken to about your wife'

'I think so'

'There you go, you have been bottling them. I must say I'm honoured that you trusted me but you must acknowledge that you're in some sort of bereavement and you're grieving your loss and to you, people who listen is the one who understands the most'

'I don't think so...is not that I'm in love with her that I kecewa maut...we are divorcing, no one has died' (hamboiii...bongkak nya si Debab ni)

'Bereavement...mourning a loss is not only subjected when people die, but you can also mourn your loss of identity or just anything that have been a part of you or anything than can affect you emotionally.You love her and that is why you married her, maybe she is not the one that you're in love with but your marriage won't happened without love.You have lost that feeling for her, and that is your loss.And you're upset because of it'

'You have reasons for everything'

'I'm only trying to make you realise what you're feeling and not to put blame on yourself or your wife'

'What do you think I should do?' (Classic kan?)

'I can't tell you what to do...what do you want to do?'

'I don't know, I'm so messed up'

'Well, at least you're not trapped in a loveless marriage anymore. I will keep an open mind if I were you.Try not to have expectation'

'But I am lonely'

'Because you're too focussed on your loneliness'

'I have to tell you that I'm happier when I'm talking to you'

'I think what you mean is 'relief' rather than 'happy',of course when you opened up, you feel relieved and when you're relieved, you will actually feel quite happy'

'Eh..you macam dah bosan dengan I aje'

Okay.....now I am convinced that lemak dalam perut dia dah naik sampai ke otak and that causes him the brain dysfunction.How nonsensical.I had to tell him that I am going to be a bit busy over the next two weeks (I keep thinking should I tell him that I'm not as free as he might think) and maybe is not a good idea for him to keep popping out from nowhere.

To make matters worse, he asked 'Will you be going to Beckendonbury for that Merdeka Celebration? I'm going so I wonder if you want to come with me'

Pitammmmmmm.

I'm Still Smiling

At 1.14 am, I'm still at work...monitoring one barua yang dari pagi tadi threatened nak commit suicide.Macam celaka...as if I ni takde kerja lain nak buat.Here I am, mengular while watching CCTV footage of him sleeping in the secured room.I remember sometimes back when he was in one of his funny moods and was transferred to the secure unit. I was asked to monitor any of his 'alarming' behavior yang kesudahan nya aku yang macam nak gila having to watch him pleasuring himself. Yikss..yiks...yiks...

Okay...remember Sam and his Lala? I was quite anxious after that incident, pulak tu ada yang pakat nak takut-takut kan I pasal budak ni akan dapat concussion la, nanti I akan kena saman la..but his mommy said, babies will always fall...(but mommy didn't know the Lala story, kan?)

Mandy (Sam's mum) offered if I want to take him jenjalan...of which I readily agreed and last Monday, I took him to tengok itik and main buai. Here's the photo of him, courtesy of my mobile phone camera with him and his awesome smile with the Arsenal top that I got him for his 1st birthday. Ish...adakah aku meroyan nak beranak? This is the proof that he is indeed okay and well.

Take care.

Good Reason, Wrong Action (300th Post)

When I was meeting JT, despite his focus on the things he deposits in his tummy, we did have a good chat. He is indeed an interesting man. I was being myself (my new self ke?) to offer my unlimited supply of opinion. The setting was good for me to express myself, since he is a little bit occupied with the chicken and understandably, nervous of meeting me. Eh..adakah aku perasan? Tidakkkk. I'm to old to be over-conscious of myself. That is the beauty of getting older kan? Nothing to lose and no love to win. JT's frustrations over his marriage break up is apparent, although constantly blaming the other person, I can tell that the person that he is most angry with is himself.

Here I am, sitting in a cosy restaurant listening to him wallowing self pity and munching the chicken. I keep saying how I hated being 'in a mending team' in relationship issues. My relationship pun macam bulu ayam. I am so convinced that I'm not at all a marriage material.I'm so self centred. So when you read about me and my relationship, please consider the fact that I can also be the biggest mess contributor.

When my ECA decided to marry his wife, the old cliche that the whole world had fallen apart seemed suddenly, painfully true. Everything was destroyed. You think that you're going to be with someone forever, and then discover that this is not the case, your present is wiped blank and your future has to be entirely reimagined. We really should agree that the break up of a long term relationship is, alongside bereavement is one of the most stressful life experiences.

Cases I handled shows that men is usually the one who is not mentally traumatised. I don't think JT is at all traumatised by his break up. Maybe because there is a substantial amount of love for the ex gf that dumped him. Moving on gets easier after years of not seeing each other but tiny dots of love still stays in fact, we will often wonder because there's no closure for being dumped unlike mutual break up. Tapi, berapa kes sangat mutual break up pun?

When JT was badmouthing the wife over the obvious stuff like betapa buruknya retaliation dia bla bla bla, I asked him if speaking about her in a deragatory way is making him happier. JT answer was a typical 'ah you woman will always take sides of another woman'. So defensive. Rasa nak tampar je pipi dia yang terlebih lemak tu.

He only come to his senses that night when he called me to apologised. Masa ni lah, I cakap kat dia, you are so wrapped up. It is up to you if you want to share your problems. But I think, you just want people to listen to how jahat this woman is and how frustrated you are with the whole thing. Well, if that is what you want, that is fine but although I'm listening, I'm sorry but I have to disagree with you and I dont think I like your coping mechanism.

He is not entirely in love pun dengan wife dia to begin with. I imagined that he at that time was single and desperately lonely. Then came the wife, not as intelligent as him, in fact only working as a receptionist. (Haiyoo..bongkak nya) JT said they had plenty of laugh and this girl, although not on par (cesss...jantan...) really can carry herself well. JT said he really sees her as his saviour, maklumlah, hatinya baru patah that time. They rapidly got involved and got married.

He said that they have been living 'separately' for a while, as in she gets on with her life and he just doing his everyday things to get by. I asked him, is there any happier time? Macam gampang he replied 'I don't know'. 'I should have get out of it earlier, it is just not working'.

I look at him and wonder, it took him 5 years, all that time giving that poor woman a hope that there's is something worth sacrificing for...and he, can't wait to get out? I cakap kat dia, you waited 5 years to tell her that? (I dah siap dah cakap dalam hati, jangan sesekali dia cakap...oh kesian tak sampai hati...hello, this is a man we are talking about, sejak bilanya ada simpati?) JT boleh jawab..'what should I tell her...that I fell out of love?' 'Apa nanti orang cakap?' Ermm...wait a minute, where have I heard that all before? Yess..ECA ku, masa bertukar pikiran taknak cerai bini dia, itulah yang dicakapnya kat I...takut malu, takut kena kutuk. JT insisted that he was all faithful in his marriage...but who is he kidding? Faithful? Or you all jantan ingat being unfaithful only applies to hubungan sulit mulit dengan pompuan/jantan lain? Have you heard about being emotionally unfaithful? Why can't JT just admitted the truth yang he is actually so complacent with his own set up, tak kisah lah..cinta ke tak cinta pun that he is in fact, do not want to do anything about it? Kesian pompuan tu, punyalah ingat laki dia cinta kat dia.

I can't help myself tu tell him what I think of him. His getaway opportunity is when he is offered to do PHD and masa ni lah nak drop the bombshell. Mana tak pompuan tu naik gila? Well, served him right la pompuan tu is now acting and thinking irrationally but why can't men understand that for a woman, when loves comes to an end, all security and all predictions about your life are destroyed? Majority of woman married for life, while hoping for the better but until the end of life, you just have to take whats given...unless you're strongwill.

I told JT that I think he is actually angry with himself for the mess he have made. He created an enemy and most of all, his guilt over ruining wife's life.I told him that man are not good dealing with guilt.JT asked me if I think he is in the wrong. Well, you can't help for falling out of love and you can't help it if you were unhappy. I told him that he have the choices before but not using it. Now, just because he finds his own way out and use it as his courage, conviction and confidence to leave, and that what I thought is so wrong. JT, macam anak kambing asked me what should he do...and aku dengan bongkaknya cakap...you just have to live with it. This is what you want, no doubt a good decision for you but you shouldn't have been so afraid that you have made a mistake.Not loving someone is not a mistake.

On different note, I went and see F last night, I insisted that after gaduh that day, we should really decide where do we go from here but I was left feeling so bad. My attitude really needs changing.

BB Moment

I was tagged by Lee. I baru aje nak mengangkang tengok 'Criminal Mind' dah kena tag. Not easy okay. Below are my My Blonde Bimbo Moments....(tak racist ke cakap camni?)

1. Before the age of 15 (I ni lambat membesar you all...kanak-kanak riang sungguh!!!) my naiveity about sex seems to influenced my knowledge about things, biologically. Sex and biology macam best friend pulak masa tu, kan? I remember asking my mother to makan bebanyak supaya dia boleh menjadik buncit and whaddayaknow, dapat lah seorang adik. Tak terfikir langsung masa tu yang proses untuk mendapat adik is more to it yakni amma dan appa kena buat overtime memalam to do 'stuff'. Makan banyak just wouldn't solved it. Not only that, I used to think that the only way for people to reproduce is by 'getting married' as in bersanding, amik gambar berkoyan-koyan, makan nasi minyak, potong kek..bukak hadiah. Tak terpkir betul oleh ku yang kalau nak beranak ni sebenarnya tak yah tunggu kenduri besar pun. Bodoh tak?

2. Up until I was 20 (lagiiiiiii lambat ni) I thought that male genitalia 'grow' or 'age' along with tumbesaran jejantan itu.Meaning, semakin besar/dewasa jantan itu, semakin 'dewasa' lah konek nya. I have brothers and up until certain age, I know how big their 'thing' is. Not that they're flashing it. When I first come across porn (age 20), I was thinking, kesian ye budak-budak lelaki ni...the 'anu' sungguh lah besar, muat ke seluar dalam? Tak le ku tahu yang tumbesaran itu bukanlah semulajadi, tetapi adalah jadi-jadian belaka. (plus I also know by this time why seluar dalam jantan ada pocket kat Y front tu)

3. This is quite recent but bila dikenang-kenang, rasa nak tanam kepala dalam pasir pun ada. I have 3 younger sisters, and two of them got married couple of years ago.They were both dipinang pakwe memasing (at different times) while I was away, and I was told by my youngest sister (yang mulut mengalahkan ASTRO ni) that she overheard my uncle (spokeperson for my family) enlightened the rombongan meminang ni akan kewujudan seorang lagi anak dara tua (yakni aku) in the household yang misti diberi some sort of hadiah, bagi acara melompat galah (nak cakap langkah bendul cam tak glamer aje) Well, hearing that, I feel so blessed that I belum kena pinang, pasalnya, I got to thinking that kalau my sisters dapat duit hantaran yang beribu-ribu and hadiah macam-macam yang atas dulang tu, I will then get the same...orang kahwin dapat hadiah, I yang duduk atas bendul ni pun boleh dapat hadiah and tak payah pun nak mengorbankan diri kena kahwin.Little that I know yang aku hanya akan dapat sepasang kain buat baju aje. Hah!!! Itu aje ke? Cisss....well, in the end, as a benefit of being on top of the bendul is sepasang kain untuk buat baju kurung and a bracelet.

4. I used to think that famous people on TV is like god on earth. They can never do wrong nor that they can function like other human being. My father is friend with this famous comedian JS, he came to our house in PD, I remember seeing him on telly and this same guy held me in his pangkuan and then excused himself dengan kata-kata, 'Kejap ye, Pakcik nak berak'. Ahhh...macam tak real.

5. I don't know if this count as bimbo blonde moment. Well, masa ni kecik lagi but it took me ages to realised (I was in form 2 in Convent School) that baju BEBEK is actually means baju 'Bare Back'. I often heard my mother, my auntie...semuanya compliment baju budak-budak kecil mungil...eyyyy, cantiknya baju BEBEK, baju BEBEK. I thought, siapalah yang bangang bagi nama baju ni baju BEBEK huh? Fashionista kambing ke? Ghope-ghope nya, Bare Back you all. Ni lah susahnya bila English masih ditahap lembu lagi.

I can't think of any...maybe this is it. By having less bimbo blonde moment ni taklah bermakna I ni pandai ye....but, I now intrigued to know your BB moment, Kiah Kidman, Manal, Sue Typhoon, Elviza,Pieces Man and LeQ.