Dozing off....

It's a 29th tomorrow, the one date that come only every 4 years...eh ye ke? The state of mind I'm in now, I am so unable to remember every little important facts of life. Nowadays, as long as I mandi, gosok gigi, making sure my Ipod is charged and makan, life is just perfect for me. Really. Sungguhlah depressing nya.

People said that because the leap year is so rare,masa ni lah pompuan-pompuan akan mengambil kesempatan menyunting kumbang-kumbang idaman hati they all (hamboii...bahasa ku) Sumpah I tak tau this (the opposite proposal) is the tradition in the leap year.I just thought that tahun lompat is just tahun lompat that have 29 days in it (eii..sensitip nya menyebut lompat-lompat ni...maklumlah hati masih hangat-hangat dengan budak TKC tu)

Well, since kumbang yang ku puja pun dah tak ada, and another kumbang-kumbang lain yang I suka semuanya didn't know that I exist, maka I will not pop any question to anyone. Walaupun ada orang dah meng offer dirinya...psttt..Kiah, you know that JT texted his cheeky message...'I can feel a special someone is going to be on her knee today making the honest man out of me' hish..gatal sungguh. I feel like calling him, I'm sure if you have the money, there's plenty of them girls will be on their knees....sucking you.Tapi, mulutku tidaklah secelupar ittew....

So tonight, I went and pick Capt Lukman up from his brothel...eh..hotel.I was so looking forward to see him, although I did get the date wrong because I somehow thought Capt Lukman will arrive on Friday and we will be painting the Soho area red (hahahha....kau ado Red Soho kat India nun, Hjh Leemah?) but just like I said, I was so blur, I can't even tell you the right time and date, let alone day...so, sehabis aje membanting tulang, I summoned MB to collect me from work and drove to Heathrow Renaissance.(Tapikan, MB ada hajat lain...dia nak collect supply rokok nya aje...)

We had Thai Food, where pompuan ayu me and MB melantak like tak hengat donia and Capt Lukman, fussing over his weight yang tak banyak mana tu.

See, after many days of sakit hati, there I was eating away with gorgeous looking Lukman...so, sesiapa yang berminat, silalah tekel ye...

Speaking of the leap year,I wish I can come out with something interesting to remember, or something naughty just to feed my boredom. I'm so gatal tangan nak mengacau si JT itu, see...this is something I don't understand about men. Depan you, macam macho...(in JT's case, sedikit macho lah) but when they are not with you, suddenly all the lovey dovey meleleh and you suddenly feel that you are having an affair with underage boys...

But I'm old now, you see. 10 years ago, I would have afloored if jantan-jantan meleleh like that...but now, I just couldn't be arsed.I think now, sweeping me off my feet is so easy. You just have to ask me out for coffee, tell me straight to my face that, you think you're comfortable with me and is there a possibility of being exclusive...and that's it, I'll sure consider. I just don't have the energy with all this schoolboys wooing tactic....makji dah tua dah..makji dah tak larat nyah...

Oh Raja Nazrin, tak nak ke you ambik I jadi suri istana you? Nombor 2, 3 or 4 pun tak pe tau...

Mental State(ment)

Since I was regularly busy with Crisis Management Team ni, I can't be arsed to check on my patient...stable ke idak...berapa kali dalam sehari ugut nak bunuh diri, dah makan ubat ke belum..ada side effect ka...aiyoh! Buatnya ada yang nak prove a point for being severely neglected by killing themselves ka...mau aku tak kena saman?

Unlike Hjh Leemah yang mega sensitive dengan keadaan alam semula jadi, I completely unaware that there was a tremor last night. Where was I, by the way..erm...yup, I was in this cheapo hotel in Croydon. I was working there and tup-tup, it was 10pm and since so many berita-berita yang menakutkan keluar in the newspaper, I decided to checked into the nearest hotel.No, I didn't feel the earth move and even if I did, I probably will think it was some loved-up couple ber-bonking-an in the next room.Who am I to tell the difference eh?

See, when I came into office today, I was given this concern form, filled by one of my colleague about this Asperger Man (AM). Concern nya bukan apa...his father suspect that si AM ni is a regular in this so called Bebo Chatroom. Al kisahnya, latest trend kat UK ni, budak-budak hingusan serata Wales tu, gemar benar membunuh diri...tak tau la pasal apa.Almost every week there's news about this girl and guy, umur muda-muda lagi..between 15 to 23 ,mati tergantung. Tergantung kat pokok la, tergantung kat knob pintu la..anak tangga la...hish...apa pesen nya ni????

Just because si AM ni suka buat announcement yang dia akan membunuh dirinya, his father dah risau semacam...so he demanded that we scrutinise him. Apa, bapak dia ingat ni Malaysia ke, boleh sesuka konkong-kongkong budak? Tak pasal-pasal aku disaman nya nanti using Human Right Law..invading his privacy.

If any of you are about to work with Mental Health Department, be prepared that sometime, you will have to do the dirty work for the parents/family.Family sendiri tak nak tanya so soklan-soklan cepumas camtu diserahkan kat kami-kami yang tak berdosa lagi senantiasa berada dalam ketakutan ni. Ye lah kan...not all question get graceful answer.It's not easy you know to ask things like....

How often do you masturbate? Why do you feel that you need to have sex with a ewe (ohh..my, believe me, I have to ask this!!!)

So, there I was, asking AM, about his activity in the internet...slowly leading to this deadly website kuunun nya....and do you intend to copy the deceased? Adoiiii...tak tanya, salah...tanya kang, kot kot I inadvertantly putting ideas in his head, tau-tau, besok aku jumpa dia tergantung.

Because I have already asked, I am now have to put him under 24 hours surveillance, and yang kena monitornya, aku la kan? Babi sungguh....

And here I am, after 11pm,still at work...but blogging.Semoga adalah sisa-sisa kudrat ku untuk menyundal dengan Capt Lukmang besok.

Laters....

Remembering Today

****I have one posting still floating so be warned that blast from days before will suddenly appear***** Ceh...macam bagus.

I have this old luggage stored in my father’s mini library in KL. One of his paid helper come across it couple of weeks ago and only last week father realised that it was actually mine. So he summoned si mini-CNN to ring me just to tanya what’s in that blue luggage and why was is locked? I had this feeling that one of these days they all will bound to ask apa benda lah yang aku simpan dalam beg tu, it has been there since 1998 and was last relabelled in October last year with big sign ‘Don’t Open & Don’t Steal My CD’.

I realised that some of my prized possessions (like CDs) dah ghaib. I know for a fact that my cousins-cousins puaka orang Seremban had stolen them (my mother resent I used the word ‘stolen’. Alaaa...adik beradik kau jugak tu...biarlah dia pinjam... But mother, listen...cousins are not adik beradik, you may be related to their mother or father but as far as I am concern, once they detest the boundaries like meminjam my CD without permission, the tali persaudaraan is long gone. Just like the CD.Longgggggggggggggggggg gone.

I managed to have some stolen CD replaced, it is so easy here, you log in to amazon and within 2,3 days, you have them CD delivered and I don’t pay the HMV or Virgin Megastore price. I paid so cikai price, I can get The Best Of Chicago album, silver edition for 99p. Kau ado? Tak ado kan? But sadly, while you can replaced the orang putih CD, how can I ever get back the like of Malaysian local group ‘Indesicive’ and ‘Intoxicated’? I was so lucky that nobody curi my ‘Lizards Convention’ CD. I was really nak nangis when the CD Shamsul bought me in one of our not so many dates ghaib. Syafinaz first ever solo album.

While most of my CD back home is now sorted, I still have one or two prized possession here there everywhere. Some of them is hidden in my blue luggage yang sekarang ni dok menjadi mystery kat my father and my little CNN sister.

My father thought that I have lost the key and forgotten the lock combination, so he said he will be happy to ask my kaki-pecah-rumah(oopss...my mother kenkadang kena kunci dek samseng kecik-kecik kat rumah,so my brother is often got call back to undo the lock..ish..kira pecah rumah lah tu kan?) younger brother to open it for me.

See, my father is very polite.Although he was the one who given me that big luggage for my first ever UK trip to study, I am so touched that he actually asked if he can open it. I quickly said no. I said to him that when I come back for Raya this year, I am going to sort my things out...hint..hint...kamek pulang raya tawww.

When I was dating Sham, like any other pompuan gedik yang dilamun chentaaaa, I saves everything for keep. The letters, the cards, the bookmark with his writings on it, the photos, even the daun kering pun. I don’t know if he still keeps the things I gave him. Because chenta ku diterminatenya tanpa notice, it took me a while to really realised that he is gone...the fact that we went out again for the 2nd time doesn’t help and overall, I don’t really know how long was it that I was really ‘free’ from him. I met him when I was 16, 3 years after that we went to UK,I came back, he left me for another woman, re surfaced after 5 months and resume dating for 1 and a half years, adalah dalam 10 years githoo...

Over the years, I know that I still keep the vast memory of him hidden somewhere and that is in the blue luggage. So when my sister asked me about the bag, hati ku macam terpana....eh, apakah makna nya terpana ni? Well, let’s just say that I was numb. It’s been a month now since his passing and to be honest, I haven’t got round to do my bit of grieving yet.

Lately ni, selalu jugak lah terkenang kat dia. I really believe that he came to see me before he went as I was remembering Paris with him and his warm hands. But I’m sure there are people out there that are missing him badly, more than I do. His young son, his mother and his sisters. He is their only son and brother. I am just an ex girlfriend.

Thinking about him in my happy memories really affirms the fact that I was once so in love with a very nice man but sadly, as much as I want to remember him alike, he was the one who broke my heart.

MS Disease

Yesterday, sesampai je depan opis...I decided to turn back and hop on the same bus (different direction) to balik rumah. I cannot face work today. I called Boss mintak cuti and I called my therapist asking for an emergency appoinment. No can do, dia pulak busy and nak tak nak terpaksalah I jumpa Mak Dukun Kg.Ajibah Abol a.k.a. MB

MB and me, long time friend. We go a long way back and my own sisters reckoned that me and her are more like biological sisters than I am to them. We laugh and we fight. I always run back to her when I got this massive unsolved problems, much to my partner dismay but who can deny that there is a special someone, totally unrelated but can become the most important thing in your life?

What was troubling me, si MB bertanya...she guessed that it must be the usual puaka from work, ahh that Italian family. Did I not tell you about this family? I told my boss that they are now starting to get me personally. I have started to think that it is the colour of my skin that they disliked and my 'accent'. So banyak cekadak...if I have my way, the sister is one ungrateful PAKI herself. See, mother Italian, father Pakistan..bad mix. You can have very emotional and very controlling...and tadaaaa..equal to gila. But their man/father don't exist anymore and I thought, good for him.He probably made the escape as fast as he can. They (the family, consists of mother and sister) really drives me crazy. I told MB about them. MB can either be very comforting in her words of wisdom or switch into batu api mode in no time and menambahkan lagi kesakithatian yang sedia ada.

The Italian invasion came after kata-kata puaka Kak Katak tu (ceh Kiah, hatiku yang mungil ni terasa jugak tau), I started to think that the universe is taking turns to gasak me.The fact that I have been working for the last 17 days non-stop is causing me a great deal of fatigue, one of stress contributing factor.

I have had so many melayu calling me sombong, not that I care much. Apart from Hari Raya's, there is no more melayu activity for me. I don't know any Malay that lives nearby and I'm not in constant contact with one either.I like to think that Melayu in KL are more modern-thinking than the one established here. The area where my father lives affirms my believe, the melayu neighbour next door hardly menyebok but I know they care. Hi and bye as the go along. Bayswater or Edgware Road melayu, you hi and bye, you get crucified. They are calling me and MB sombong but treatment that we get from the melayu waiter in Nahar or Mawar is far fetched than what you expect from a melayu that is melayu. I know this guy and he would call once in a while (if he needs something) His favourite first line is 'Eh..you all dah kaya..sombong tak ingat kengkawan'....while line like that can easily distress me, MB have a different East Malaysian attitude, 'Eh..memang I dah kaya...I kawan dengan Mohamad Al-Fayed aje..kawan dengan you buat apa..takde hasil'. Boleh macam tu cakap dengan orang?

MB said we have got to teach this type of people who first of all, takde budi bahasa bila telepon orang...you called me and you now calling me sombong? Apa case? Kalau dah tau I sombong, buat apa you all call? Ganas kan kawanku nan sorang ni?

So I think, when they say Melayu Sombong, they are referring to themselves.They live here and they have business here.Some of them even imported they own sedara mara to work for them and pay them ciput.This waiter/waitresses can't ever muscle a smile on their face maybe because they're badly paid.

I hardly calling or talking to anyone, no matter what country I live in. When I was growing up, people just don't barge into our house or call. My father is very strict and he, being a typical malay himself, value his privacy.

So, to all melayu in England...I am not in a rush to become your friend. I doubt in Malaysia that you'll be running to greet me pun, so what is the difference in here?

Funny enough that Kak KTK texted me to apologised, and now because I've been hurt, I don't intend to offer her or her lazy arsed hubby an olive branch.I want to live to her expectation..that I am indeed The Melayu Sombong...muahahahahahhaha

Katakophobia

Minah Rempit and Mak Buyung gladly reminded me of whatever happened to that Cik Abang Tembam? With Kiah being very precise wanting to know apa kesudahannya perchentaan daun pisang ku after episode pegang-pegang tangan kat Guilford ittew...(elehh..bukan nya French kissed Kiah oiii, kalau setakat pegang tangan, tangan sesapa pun aku boleh pegang kan?)

Myself semenjak dua menjak busy menjadik auditor Persatuan Karyawan Malaysia ni...nak cari mana pergi nya duit $200,000.00 tu, jangan kata nak menjejak kasih dgn JT, nak beli panty liner pun tak sempat. Tu belum lagi nak berkempen for Parti Sosialis Rakyat Malaysia Cawangan Paroi nak lawan si Kerry Jamaluddin tu....very busy you.

Okay, Kak Katak came to my workplace today. Well, takde appointment pun dengan I tapi dia gi jumpa Consultant Psychiatrist for her research. She popped by and nasib baik I ada dalam opis.So, we start talking about her last assignment and I told her about me being in two places now, so susah lah nak jumpa jumpa buat appointment. We chat la jugak in between dia menggodek file-file I. It was quick...I almost can't remember the pleasant bit. My last conversation with Kak Katak berbunyi....'You nak I tolong your husband? Tolong apa? The information on our website is very straightforward, I'm sure he can follow'

'Eh tak, dia pandai isi borang ke apa-apa..it is just, my hubby ni pemalu sikit...dia ni tak pandai nak approach orang. It will be easier for him kalau you tolong'. (All this mengonfirm kan lagi suspicion I yang dia ni mega pemalas)

'This is England. You don't need insider to get you a job. A recommendation, yes. I don't know your husband, and I think it is more you that wanted the job rather than him'.

'I tolong dia aje...pasal tu lah I nak you jumpa dia...'

'What exactly you want me to do?'

'Tolong recommend dia'

'I think what you want is for me to get him the job...am I right? I have explained all the procedure, you keep wanting me to help your husband..nak tolong macam mana lagi...apply through the website and our HR will contact him. If he is selected, I can offer him an interview'

'I'm only asking for help...kalau you tak boleh tolong tak ngapa lah...'

I really looked at her for quite a loooooonggggggggg time after she said that. I think she realised that I read her mind and underneath intention plus, her displeasure. I raised my eyebrow, my classic silent indication of I couldn't be bothered/you're just being silly.

There was at least 10 minutes silence after that. She was in my office reading the files and I continue doing what I was doing. I can sensed that she was massively annoyed with me...tak taulah marah kat I pasal mulut I yang celupar ke or marah pasal I tak nak tolong dia.

Ended up she didn't finish what she was meant to be doing and resigned herself early for the day. Our goodbyes was a typical melayu sakit hati ending speech. She blurted out 'It's true what my friends told me...orang Melayu kat London ni sombong, tak nak tolong orang Melayu...semuanya nak jatuhkan orang Melayu aje'.

'Good, you should listen to your friend. I'm sure we all mature enough to see and think for ourselves'.

I betul rasa nak ludah dia but I think, after watching so many football games on Telly and dah tengok cemana buruknya rupa Wayne Rooney meludah mak kahak dia every 15 minutes...eeii, can you imagine all them footballers semua threading on their own spit, I better off swallow my own saliva.

I like to think that is the last of my encounter with Kak Katak...but who knows, she might ring back tomorrow.

Berbalik kepada Cik Abang Tembam itu, atas permintaan Cik Kiah & Manal, I transformed myself into a perigi today and I willingly start looking for my timba by sending the timba a text message. I hantar 'What's up?' (certainly not referring to his anaconda) dan dia balas 2,3 kali....waduhhhhh!!!!

Speak soon.

The One With...Makan Like Anak Babi

One of my tanda-tanda awal datang bulan is that I makan mengalahkan anak..eh, anak so little, ah..there you go..mak babi!!!! That is one. There's a complete cycle of perubahan character. Starting from nafsu makan diluar tabii...followed by angin kus-kus nak marah oranggggg aje....then, tak hujan tak ribut suddenly air mata bercucuran tak tau lah pasal apa...and finally the last indication, tompokan merah yang memalukan disertai dengan sakit perut yang sungguh menyakitkan hati. You know when I say sakit perut, the menstruating sakit perut is different from sakit perut lain-lain...

I don't know the best way to describe the sakit perut, but it sure is annoying and irritating. Sometime, the pain is akin to

a) Sakit perut macam nak berak...tapi tak pulak nak terberak...
b) You feel like ada anak-anak setan main tarik-tarik your tali pusat....
c) Sakit perut macam nak beranak...however, I cannot confirm this, as I pun belum beranak and at the rate I am going, jangan kata nak beranak, nak kahwin pun belum tentu ada orang nak

A week or at least 10 days before tumpah darah, I will be overcome with nafsu want-to-eat-like-pig.Tapi kan, tak period pun, I already makan mengalahkan jin and the during the ovulation process, the nafsu will increase from not only I want to have Special K or Bran Flakes for breakfast, within 1/2 hour, I demanded MB to cook me battered fish, with chips, mushy peas and chicken frankfurter.

Come lunch time, I asked MB to tapau me kuehtiau goreng from Oriental City and within 4 hours after that huge fish meals, I walloped a container of kuehtiau goreng, 3 karipap and 2 can of Pokka Coffee.


*********************************************

I decided to go to work today. Hati masih panas mengenangkan Arsenal yang kalah semalam (maliewww tau...4-0) but I guess, MU need to win lepas dikalahkan dek Man City (isk..lagi maliewww, kalah kat tempat sendiri...) so..takpelah, kalah pun kalah lah..tak leh lah nak menangggg aje kan (matilaaa pujuk diri sendiri)

I locked myself away from others. I really need to get on with my neglected paperwork yang dah terbengkalai semenjak dua menjak berterbangan sana-sini ni. On my desk, there's 2 messages from Kak Katak, asking if I'm free to entertain her with some of her research tomorrow. Knowing Kak Katak yang 2,3 menjak ni dah pandai menyelam sambil minum air, her request for assistance will be diselangselikan dengan request-request yang lain (see...so babi dibalik kuehtiau kan?)

Trust that my hormones is all over the place, I called her. Really business-like call when I actually told her that I am responding to her 2 messages. 'You called me twice?' 'Saja nak tanya khabar...also diselangselikan dengan hihik..hihik..hihik....yiksssss'

Then came this, 'Eh, you boleh tak tolong my hubby dapat kerja kat tempat you?' I am so not in the mood. Honestly, I saw so many malay boys yang kena jadi kuli kat Mara House or that Edgware Road Malaysian restaurant, hati macam nak tanya, adik...meh la kerja kat tempat akak...pencen pun dapat tau. You all kerja mati-mati kat kedai makan ni, apa pun tak dapat.Gaji ciput lak tu'. The boys are so hardworking. I know for a fact that they get less than the national minimum wages...but, what can they do? With no proper immigration papers or National Insurance card, they have to make do with basuh pinggan £3.80 an hour...

With my red magma that will erupt anytime soon, I know that anymore ihik..hihihik....or any kind of gelak-gelak pompuan gatal will result in me mengeluarkan kata-kata puaka that can kill the katak instantly, I carefully words my reply to her, not at all indicating that laki dia pemalas and tak guna....

'Our organisation have a recruitment protocol. Get your husband to check out our website....www.lakikaupemalas.co.uk and find out more about the job and what is the requirement. I can give you the HR number and bla...bla....

(padahal, application form ada dalam laci I, saja ja kan tak nak tolong)

I was hoping that Kak Katak will put off....( I will if I am her) but can you believe this....

'You free tak ari Rabu, I ajak abang I jumpa you boleh...you cakaplah dengan dia..you ajar lah dia...'

Mak datukkkkkk.......

Update

I have got plenty reason to be bengang about this week, apart from tak dapat bunga (but that is already in my expectation list, this is what going to happen is you're so self centred)

Travelling between North West & West London already takes its toll on my TV life. I have missed so many episodes of Eastenders,Corrie,Home & Away and few bits of some really nice and sensible program to watch.I'm just so lucky that channel 5 and Living TV keep repeating all the CSI (NY,Miami & Vegas) because by the time I got home and in between awake and dead, I can still see them. Speaking of CSI, adakah aku sorang aje dalam dunia ni yang menyampah tengok muka Horatio yang sungguh meriah dengan parut jerawat itu? For a criminalist, he is behaving too competent to the extent of nauseating.That cermin mata hitam yang kejap sarung-kejap tanggal really doesn't improve his non-existent attributes.

Eastenders, the last I remember...there is this gay man who is related to this woman and all of a sudden, her husband has started to show his too effeminate side (although I quite like that kind of man) some people is heading towards the divorce, orang tu bergaduh, orang ni tak suka orang ni...however corny, I must say that the soaps is way much better than Malaysian 7pm drama..(kalau lah ada lagi program ni) not only that you'll see the same old actor/ress, you can't help to laugh seeing that actor this week in teenagers gear and week after, beruban siap batuk kokol-kokol lagi...nak jadi tua sangat.I'm sure we met so many OAPs, tapi takdelah yang cakap sikit terus batuk, cakap sikit terus batuk, kan? Actors here all goes to acting college and you really feel that you watching what you paid and phewww..money all worth it.

Earlier this week, boss issued a memo (dengan tak consult I nya) that I am now will be taking over this hidup-segan-mati-takmau unit in Harlesden. Boss not happy with the current Manager and my reports on the spot check I did the Saturday before asserts her decisions (Boss actually dah fed up dengan pompuan Nigeria ni) so, aku di assigned nya to take over dengan serta merta. Last Tuesday, the gang 'gang up' on me. I dropped by at 7.30pm, after shopping for some nice wall paintings for the project.The unit desperately need cosmetic job and I thought, since I pun takdelah pandai nak buat ID works and all that, I decided to kemas-kemas lah sikit, bagi cantik mana yang patut.The moment I walked in, the bunch cornered me into telling them, when can they start this meeting with me...aku pun 'Meeting hapanya?' The baru-kena-demoted Manager ghope-ghopenya dah kumpulkan gang-gang nya to sit down in what she call a 'disciplinary meeting'. Tak terkejut aku? Hoping that takde orang nak parang I, I just said, I did not call any meeting and I have to go as I have to be some where else. Terus aku blah...

I called my boss straightaway.....boss, camno ni boss....I have, 1 Nigerian, 3 Jamaican waiting to grilled me...( I am not at all being racist but must tell you the existence of the tribe culture among the gagaks...you jgn pandai-pandai nak hambek what they think is theirs....habis kau di siat nya)

Boss macam biasa pujuk-pujuk. The next day I came with my toolbox. I start rearranging wall pictures and furniture.I am quite pleased in the end although not really fit my standard...and I started to think..gagak-gagak ni tak pandai kemas rumah ke? Colour coordination sungguhlah out nya.I was really trying my best. The Jamaican gang is playing it safe with me...I'm sure they are quite desperate to hang on to their job and therefore, bermusuh dengan I pun takde makna nya.I did not disturb what is already established but I must start getting the demoted manager (DM) out of her office and started to do real work. Patients and their family are not happy.Boss lagi lah menyampah gila dengan dia.She was very cold towards me on the first day. The first 2 days I was there, I picked up things that I didn't like with the way things are working.After work, me and the DM have a chat, I initiated the chat...after all, I still need her to work there when I'm not.DM is still not happy with the way she was treated. I talked some sense into her but still tak jalan...I cubalah hint-hint why boss marah kat dia.Masih gak dia buta.

The 2nd day we chat again, while I'm still trying to make her see sense, pun masih tak jalan.I contacted her former boss and mintak opinion (see..baik tak I?) It turned out to be, semua orang dah tau dia takleh buat kerja...apart from herself!!! I reported hasil gossipan to the boss and boss suruh lagi I korek-korek info. But I think boss dah fed up nak mati, boss sekarang nak cari case nak buang dia masuk longkang aje (can I use this terminology for sack?)

3rd day, semalam...dengan badan yang sakit and berfeeling-feeling nak demam, I went there again with another colleague yang boleh tahan jugak kepuakaan mulutnya. I cakap dgn my colleage ni...Eh, you hitam..they all pun hitam...kalau you cakap maybe they all nak dengar...(boleh tak cakap macam ni) The talk went on for 3 hours...and I think in the end, barulah dia dapat tengok why boss demoted her...(but secretly I think, dia masih tak puas hati)

Now ni ada masalah baru pulak...disebabkan kekamcengan I dengan boss, the ex Manager mintak tolong I slow talk dengan boss to give DM her job back...I said I can't, because boss got good reasons...and sadly, I agreed with boss.

Boss now suruh I tukar sikit konsep rumah tu...dari rumah Hitam to rumah ada kaler-kaler sikit...sebabnya patient semua orang putih, and orang putih ni favourable dengan orang-orang dia sendiri jugak....we also have to think about cultural representative, macam mana orang hitam nak represent culture orang putih kan?

Satu kerja lagi nak me recruit orang kan?

Speaking of recruiting, Kak Katak mintak I recommend laki dia yang ala-ala kerbau balau tu kerja in one of our unit. I ni bukan tak nak recommend, laki dia kan pemalas, buat nya patient-patient tu start buat perangai ke, nak lari dari rumah ke, kena ludah ke, kena carut and all he does is duduk mengangkang, siapa yang susah?

I must find a way to turn Kak Katak down...

***Apa-apa pun, marilah kita sama-sama menengok Arsenal lawan MU petang ni...Hey, Adebayor, kalau kau tak sepak goal,kita bercerai okay?***

Where's The Flowers?

I never get flowers, ceklat or anything romantic for Valentine's. Never. Bercinta macam nak mati (and orang tu pun dah mati) pun tak pernah dapat bunga. Let me remember....(hard...very hard) tak ada.The nicest thing from him is a mixed tape and the engagement ring (yang bila hati panas, buang pastu cari balik...)

Hati wanita ini nak jugaklah merasa orang hantar bunga kat office...helium balloon besar gedabak...pastu seisi office tengok...'Waaaa..you boiplennn..so lomentikkk'. That never happened.

I always say that I don't do flowers...memang betul. If I'm given a choice, you nak apa...I'll opt for more practical thing like duit, computer game, chocolate...however, I will never say no to flowers and I can see myself berfeeling bunga-bunga bila dapat bunga. Kesian kan I?

I was talking to male colleagues today, tanyalah..hey you all, takde ke beli bunga for yr woman...2 out of 4 kata, my girl tak suka bunga, she's into something practical. Well, I imagine that if you tell your boyfriend/husband that you're into something practical, mana yang semi-sensitive will take you out for a meal together, but you'll see he is the one enjoying the food more than you do and tak de pun berpegang-pegang jari across the table with him telling you how beautiful you are. He will probably moan...'It cost me bomb this dinner'.

To man yang fully practical and yang tak sensitive langsung pulak, if you voice out your desired Valentine's gift is something that is practical to both you and him, maka, the man will probably think having intercourse is what you mean...it signifies 2 things, showing his love and giving you pleasure...

*** This only applies to a relationship that has passed the comfort date***

In my care, there is this 22 year old Asperger man, reasonably good looking, no personality and if it's not because of his diagnosis, he is the most obnoxious man a woman ever bore. Understandably, no social skills. But life is about wanting and willing, however defected your brain is. I appreciate his brain defect hence resulting in his learning difficulties. Orang kata, kalau bodoh boleh belajar... tapi kalau bongkak gajah..sampai tua la kau mati keras...

Personality is something you can create and manage. We all tend to copy and quite fortunate that some of us know which act to follow and combine it with our original features and we get our desired personality. Orang tak hensem tapi boleh jadi hensem in different aspect and I'm sure many will fall in love (rupa adalah sikit) with the way people present themselves. Anyway...chenta itu buta,but we should argue this. All the pompuan cantik, go out with not so good looking man but banyak duit.Mata kena lah jadi buta kan?

I have stop working with him and not refer him to any more counselling session. Tak ada guna nya. When I look back at my previous patients file, all this men have similarities. I think we hardly ever have any successful session or program with men. You identify their problems, you can see their needs but what you can't change the way they think. Pure reason for that is because they don't want to. They will, but that is when they're ready. Along with their stunted maturity.

When we're in a relationship, we desperately hope that things will be smooth all the way through. We tried and hope, non-stop. Sometimes we change our way but later questioned, why did I bother? I think we bother is because we care too much.

My teraphy supervisor told us today that man will change when they're ready and this will normally be a very unconscious process. They will certainly change if they want to, but in most cases, changes occur when it's already too late.

You remember that Boyz II Men song 'Some people will work things out and some just don't know how to change.....'

Doesn't matter lah..aku jugak yang takde dapat bunga.....

Why Bad Thing Happened To Nice People?

I was driving to Harlesden today, pinjam kereta MB. Driving through Gunnersbury and Acton ditengah-tengah hari memanglah macam cilanat especially when you start thinking, aik..apasal ramainya orang atas jalanraya ni.This is like 11 to 12 o'clock day time. Tak kerja ke? You never know with British Citizen ni (with Hjh Leemah exception) nampak macho, tapi semuanya jobless. I have worked in the system long enough to know that ramainya yang declare tak larat nak bekerja and claim duit benefit (originated dari duit tax ku yang dipotong bulan-bulan)

Ada orang ni, tak kerja and claim benefit. Katanya, dia depressed and pasal tu tak boleh nak kerja. Bukan setakat depressed aje, sakit kaki lah, tangan tak kuat lah..tapi bila pegang botol wine and beer can, larat pulak kan?

Unmarried mother with kids....satu baby, £300 monthly. On the bus, you can see a young girl with twin pram with two of her children, obviously from a different source, satu kaler putih and satu lagi kaler tak berapa putih and tak berapa hitam. Popping out babies dah jadik cam lucrative business.During working hours, you may find these girls hanging out with their mates also with prams of babies....smoking ciggarettes, flashing mobiles, Ipod and of course, their babies.

Well, young girls with babies and fit looking man claiming to be ill that I saw on the road today is the least of my problem now.The thing is, jalanraya punyalah sibuk...and I was struggling to keep up, I have been at work since yesterday evening (dimana..adalah orang tu sempat YM I sebelum dia keluar melachorrrr) only managed to sleep for couple of hours and then started work again straightafter...by the time I was sitting passively in the car and doing nothing but changing the gear from 1 to 2,to 3 and to 2 and 1 again...bayang-bayang katil dah start memanggil.

The government have imposed a stricter law for the motorist....and I fully agree with the decision. Bagi padan muka mereka-mereka yang bawak kereta mengalahkan si Manal. You cannot drive on a bus lane, you cannot drive into the yellow box and all that farts parking regulations and kejap-kejap macam ni, kejap-kejap macam ni enough to make people like me yang sungguh berhemah ni menjadi lebih cautious.

Tetapi, malang itu sungguhlah berbau kentut.Consciously driving very slow, cars are queueing to get through this particular traffic lights.As I remember, I was approaching the lights and as I can see it, memang lah nya warna gadung, Lizs oiii. All vehicle was moving and so was I. Tau tau, I dah betul tengah-tengah that crossing zone, still queueing.I remember moving ahead a bit further where the car was 3 quarter passed the first line.I'm clearly blocking the road for the pedestrian. Tiba-tiba, daripada warna gadung..terus nya jadik kuning...ahhhh. I have to decide quick. If I stop right there, I'll be blocking people's way...I can't handle their dirty look. So I thought, I move quickly forward and for all I know, nya dah bertukar kaler merah as I passed across and tupp!!! Terus lampu flash keluar. Maka telah diconfirm kan dengan rasminya, kamek dah melanggar lampu merah.....tanpa tidak sengaja.

All the way to Harlesden, I keep thinking about saman yang bakal kuterima yang berjumlah £80.00 itu. Wah.......why this is happening. Why bad thing have to happen to nice people (nice apa benda nya...dok ngumpat sokmo, nilah bala tuhan bagi)

I have seen so many Paria-Pariammah kat Hounslow yang bawak kereta mengalahkan pelesit tapi tak pulak kena saman ke hapa.I have been so nice, I gave way, I am considerate and I don't deserved this.

2 years ago, I kena sama jugak dengan Community Police yang perasan macam police betul.I parked in the area where you can only park for 20 minutes. I may have exceed but not to the extend of berejam-jam. I pleaded to the Policeman, telling them what I do. I was with a patient with chronic mental issue and don't comprehend time management.Pun Police Community Celaka itu bolayan I.

Trust that I will come up with puaka remark bila hati dah panas...I said to that Community Policeman 'It is not a very community thing isn't it to give me ticket over something like this?'

Berani kan I? (Bodoh more like) Bak kata MB, nasib baik kitak sik dihumban nya dalam lokap.Berani kitak....

Too Tight To Mention

The day of the Chinese New Year, I went to Leicester Sq to meet F for brunch. We thought we should meet up to decide whether it is now make or break, as segala muhasabah serawak semuanya dah tak jalan, we are constantly at each others throat, maki memaki (inilah hasilnya bercampur dengan orang putih kan? Makiiiiiiiiii aje) We split up last October although in between jumpa-jumpa jugak as aku ni masih lagi kuat memainkan peranan sebagai orang gaji, buat laundry, basuh pinggan kemas rumah what not (so orang gaji Pilipin kan?) but the relationship are now without the 100% commitment where, I now spent long hours at work without feeling guilty meninggalkan si tua tu kat rumah and I can start focussing on work yang semakin hari semakin banyak tu. Boss ordered me to take up this course for professional qualification so that I can be registered with the governing bodies. I agreed and I missed out the first day of the training (pasalnya hari tu, ada orang sewel terlepas keluar dari unit and I have to wait anxiously by the phone...nasibnya tak baik sungguh, jumpa after a day, dalam longkang and dah kena rog) so, macam mananya nak jadi qualified ni, kalau training/seminar asyik tak datang aje? So, I cleared up my stuff from the house yesterday (takdelah ambik segalamala, just baju-baju aje) and was feeling so sad about the whole thing.

I’m sure all of us (aku sorang aje lah nampak gaya nya) experienced this thing where, you realised things will not work anymore no matter how hard you try and then decided that, okay, enough is enough with the stress, get out of it while you can but after that, rasa guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy seguilty-guilty nya. Guilty apa, tak tau. The state of F’s flat clearly indicated the current state of mind and orang tua tu tanpa rasa segan silu dok bagitau I..yang kunun nya, akulah yang menyebabkan dia jadi begitu...aku lah yang kijam, aku lah yang takde hati perut...bla..bla..bla...(well, I quite like the bit where I takde perut tu..maka boleh le aku makan bebanyak without thinking about transforming into pompuan debab)

Some people are so gifted to unconsciously walked you down to the guilt trip, naturally able to make you feel shitty and what do you know, question back your decision.

Kawan-kawan ketat semua dah cakap kat I, alah...dia tu main dengan kepala hotak kau knowing that you have that soft spot yang akan cair bila hati dah kesian. I telephoned orang tua tu last night before bed and we have quite healthy conversation and pagi ni pulak, bila I call, dia dah start membuat perangai puaka nya and I rasa macam bercakap dengan setan pulak. Mula lah I rasa menyesal membagi muka and cursing myself hard for giving in, percaya gila-gila yang dia dah berubah laku menjadi anak arnab yang baik.

Because of the state of that orang tua (katanya dia akan jadi gila, and kononnya dia pun dah semi gila dek kerna perangai I yang kejam ini) I am now in two mind about my latest venture with Mak Badaks. Orang tua tu cakap, if I go ahead, maka, aku lah orang yang paling kejam and takde perikemanusiaan dalam England ni, not to mention the legality of my actions. Jahanam kan, nak ugut-ugut I camtu.

I decided to beli rumah dengan Mak Badaks, senang orang nak datang. Tau-tau lah sedara mara or kawan-kawan, tak kan nak hantar duduk hotel yang dah le mahal, condition macam celaka lak tu. You are paying Malaysia 5 star rate to get into a dingy room yang berbau lipas. Plus, nak buat pelaburan dihari tua lah kan...the property cost £230,000 and by the time I finished paying for it, the resale value can get me that Istana Atap biru kat Bukit Kayangan itu.

While others can see sense, si malaun ini macam ada learning difficulties pulak and mulalah tuduh I yang bukan-bukan.In the heat of the argument, hati yang sakit ni memanglah lagi nak menyakitkan hati orang itu...and I come up with kata-kata yang boleh tahan jugak puaka nya. In the end, I just cakap, Eh..I bukan mintak permission you...I bagi tau you. You tak suka, you tak suka lah...

But semalam after I balik dari rumah orang tu, I jadik bersalah and cakap dengan my friend Beyonce ni, you all go ahead beli rumah tu and jangan taruk nama I. I will be a silent partner aje. And Beyonce pun tak senang hati....

When I borak dengan my sister that day, aku pun dah lah mula mengompang kan kat they all (dengan harapan my sisters boleh la start mengompang kat orang kampong yang sememangnya jeles dengan keglameran I) pasal my intention nak beli rumah ni. My sister said that my parents was so pleased, siap nak kasi duit lagi...

But I’m now torn between keeping the family happy (by knowing where I am..kau ni duduk dengan siapa...kawan mana pulak ni...) or making my relationship works. Hari-hari I pikir..mak bapak dah tua, what more can they ask for apart from hati selesa bil atahu anak selamat. Orang putih kat sini, anak cukup umur aje, tak menyempat-nyempat mak bapak suruh keluar rumah. I know what my choice is but the problem now is that I cannot cope with guilt, andai kata lah orang tu betul-betul jadi mereng. Tu tak masuk lagi hal-hal legal that can be used against me. So complicated kan?

Kiah, any tips for assertiveness?

I Don't Have It All

I received 2,3 emails from my unofficial address (boley tak cakap macam ni? siap ada official, unofficial address lagi...) To me official means email dari sahabat-sahabat ketat serata alam...email dari adinda-adinda yang tak sudah-sudah nak mereport proses tumbesaran anak masing-masing (as if aku ni interested...aiyoo..bongkak sungguh), email dari bank-bank (maklumlah Makji kan sekarang ni shopping online, simpan duit bayar hapa kebenda lain pun online) and also email from sedara-mara yang nak bertanya khabar (serta memesan barangan Mark & Spencer)

So this unofficial email address, thanks to Bella yang tukang meng'create' nya, semata-mata supaya I boleh online in that messenger thingy.Nak tunggu sendiri buat, tak kan adalah kan...pemalas segalanya I ni (ish..pemalas ka, bodoh?) hanyalah untuk mereka-mereka yang nak hantar email to Hjh Esah. Although through this email, I also received plenty of too good to be true stories about some Nigerian millionaires who died of so many unnatural causes and left bundles of cash in need of urgent transfers into my bank account.Might you want to ask them, kalau kayo tak kan lah takde will kan? And why on earth do you want to transfer that millions into a strangers account? I still can't figure out the rational of the scam.

Okay, there's this email, quite stupidly funny.Asking me to stop harrasing him or, dia nak report polis.I was shocked at first, thinking 'bila la masa aku nak kacau orang ni...nak berak pun tak sempat kan?' Because of that email being in my unofficial email address, who ever yang perasan dirinya di harass oleh Makji Esah, surelah bahlol. I yang sama bahlol ni pun keep on reading...(sajalah kan)and the last paragraph says 'tapi, kalau awak betul2 nak kat saya, silalah jumpa mak bapak saya, dan melamar saya melalui saluran yang betul'.

Macam ni lah. On a daily basis, I got to meet so many crazy people.Yang betul gila, yang buat-buat gila and yang gila-gila.This is obviosly a meant-to-be funny joke sent by some trying-to-be funny person. Who ever he is, I hope he is happy because most certainly, people who is trying very hard to crack a joke is a unhappy soul.They need to laugh themselves.Nak gelak sensorang kang dikata confirmed sewel.Nak tak nak, buatlah joke bangang.I'm sure he is laughing hard.He know how to amuse himself.

The biggest problem in my day-today work is trying to get my patient to find alternative to alleviate their own tension.Some can be quite devious in manipulating people.I was angry with this Asperger Guy today and made it very clear to him that I'm not interested to talk when all his doing is provoking me.Just about I announced my decision untuk bermati kutu, he decided to kill himself...'If you don't want to talk to me, I'm going to kill myself'.

Again, I am sooooooooooooooooo used to this kind of threats.Professionally, you really have to see through this but I'm very much into human mode today and I decided to be like another human. 'Is that your answer to everything?' 'Okay, what don't you just do that...but let me remind you that committing suicide is painful....just let me know how it feels later on, yeah?' (Kalau lah boss I dengar, harus aku kena house arrest)

But you know, kalau hati dah sakit, badan dah penat, tak kena buatan orang macam orang ini pun, we sure can come out with kata-kata puaka yang tajam lagi menghiris hati.

I also received one disgruntled email, calling me a 'Melayu Tak Sedar Diri'. Well, how can I write let alone mengumpat if I 'tak sedar diri' kan? This sender reckoned yang I ni menunjuk pandai. Eh..I memang pandai apa...not many people can study oversea, although I shouldn't be so bongkak since I ni takdelah pandai macam Kiah or MBA,PHD holder yang lain. Dah le ada degree aje, 2nd class honour lak tu...but, kira pandai la jugak dari yang tak habis sekolah tu.

Another email...nak tau lah Hjh Esah ni orang mana....orang N9 ke, East Malaysian ke. I mentioned this before, my mother is from Sumatera and my father is from Kuala Kangsar. I was released in Kandang Kerbau (tak glamer sungguh) but if you dare me, kamek boleh kelakar Seghawak...and N9. We spent ages there with bapaknda being a sojar in Kem Sunggala. The Sumatran side of family decided to menotap kek Seri Menanti, and woohoiii..there's plenty of us from the Seri Menanti base all the way through Bukit Putuih then Paroi Jaya.

In addition to my CV, I can communicate using sign language too (dah kojo pun dengan orang pokak) and some berkarat French (kan ke I ada affair kejap dengan Arsene Wenger?)

See, Hjh Esah is so normal and plain. Takdelah pandai macam Kiah. Kiah have it all...laki, anak, kucing, orang gaji....keto godang.

Have a nice weekend ya, you all.

Tuesday Thoughts

Today is February the 5th.

I volunteered to pick baby Sam from the nursery. I tell you, I like going to the nursery. I’ve been there couple of times whenever Mandy (Sam’s mum) terdesak nak gila takde orang nak rescue anak nya. Picking up Sam is my perfect excuse untuk mengular. Every time I went there, segerombolan budak kecik yang menjadi mangsa abandon’ an mak masing-masing mulalah datang mengerumun I. See, I am there to collect one of them. The babies gave me a look like they have been a prisoner with their blue, green, brown eyes saying ‘rescue me’. Sam is ever so excited to be picked up. The moment I held him into my arms, he glanced a triumphant look to all the ‘un rescued babies’ macam ‘Hah...lihatlah donia...tinggal lah kau’

This is the only time I can do the ‘Ibu Mithali’ bit, only to anak orang lain. Nak tunggu anak sendiri, sampai tua lah kan...

I was supposed to have my ECG appointment today. I experienced a very irritable palpitations lately ni. Doktor-doktor celup around me reckoned that it has got to do with my stress level. I pulak ingat ni misti sebab I susah nak berak that soaring my stress level. I have stopped taking the pill pasalnya my nafsu makan mengalahkan nafsu mengonkek Samantha Jones SATC pulak. I was reading about young people with heart conditions. (Young people lah pulak kan? Kira muda ke I ni?) I am surrounded by smokers. Orang kata passive smoker lah yang selalu kena chronic disease ni. Tak merokok susah, merokok pun susah...habis, tak kan nak duduk kotak kasut pulak....

But I didn’t. I chickened out. I was doing our monthly inspection report with Miss Nigeria that I mentioned the ECG. It turned out that Miss Nigeria had done one herself. So she was telling me about the procedure, and aku terus tak jadi pergi.For a very stupid reason. Miss Nigeria said that I may be ask to do a full ‘up waist’ monty. And I have issues with nudity, partial or full frontal. Hisshhhh....say what you like, Kiah...but aku ini gadis pemaliewwwwwww

Now, I will never know what cause the irritable palpitations. (Give me 2, 3 days. Somebody will then knock some sense into my head)

12 years ago today, my brother passed away. Last 25th January, at 4am, I got a text from a very close friend of mine. I was in a deep sleep. But I remember dreaming about Paris, along the Rue JF Kennedy overlooking the river. I was with Sham walking side by side (pegang-pegang tangan....) sometime during 1993 autumn. We were travelling around Europe and France was the last destination. He was in his final year in UMIST and that was the only time out of our 10 years relationship that we really spend lots of time alone together. Bukanlah membuat maksiat Kiah oiii.....in that dream, we were just holding hands. His hand was very warm. Our walk was cut short with my mobile beeping. I was woken up. Sempat hati panas lagi tu...siapalah dok message aku pepagi buta ni. I always get extra anxiety bila phone berbunyi pagi-pagi hari ni...you know what lah kan?

The text message read ‘Shamsul passed away one hour ago. Acute brain tumour. Call me if you need to talk’.

I didn’t call the sender back. I didn’t want to. I don’t know what to say. Because I was so busy with work, I didn’t think about it much. It is only when at night or in between takde kerja, the memory of him keep coming and going. Only the good one. The one that makes me smile. Besides breaking my heart into the smallest pieces that I can even think of, this man once made me very happy. I have loved him more than I can ever love anyone (ceh...drama sungguh....but don’t la counts love to mak bapak...that one nothing can beat)

My friends reckoned that I never got over the break up. I pulak think that yes, I got over that but I still can’t mend my broken heart. My heart was broken twice. I dread to think that he is going to do the hatrick.

I have always wanted Shamsul dead....amboi kasarnya tutur kata...Not in any malicious kind but I think, my life will be a lot easier if he didn’t exist anymore. I don’t ever have to keep harping on him. I have to be in a different continent to get away.

It is a totally different feeling altogether now. Of course I am sad. I cannot describe my feelings now. Of all day, I thought hard about him today. I also think about my dear brother. They both history now, but it is hard to grieve for someone who is dead in your thought than someone who is still living in your memory.