Katakophobia

Minah Rempit and Mak Buyung gladly reminded me of whatever happened to that Cik Abang Tembam? With Kiah being very precise wanting to know apa kesudahannya perchentaan daun pisang ku after episode pegang-pegang tangan kat Guilford ittew...(elehh..bukan nya French kissed Kiah oiii, kalau setakat pegang tangan, tangan sesapa pun aku boleh pegang kan?)

Myself semenjak dua menjak busy menjadik auditor Persatuan Karyawan Malaysia ni...nak cari mana pergi nya duit $200,000.00 tu, jangan kata nak menjejak kasih dgn JT, nak beli panty liner pun tak sempat. Tu belum lagi nak berkempen for Parti Sosialis Rakyat Malaysia Cawangan Paroi nak lawan si Kerry Jamaluddin tu....very busy you.

Okay, Kak Katak came to my workplace today. Well, takde appointment pun dengan I tapi dia gi jumpa Consultant Psychiatrist for her research. She popped by and nasib baik I ada dalam opis.So, we start talking about her last assignment and I told her about me being in two places now, so susah lah nak jumpa jumpa buat appointment. We chat la jugak in between dia menggodek file-file I. It was quick...I almost can't remember the pleasant bit. My last conversation with Kak Katak berbunyi....'You nak I tolong your husband? Tolong apa? The information on our website is very straightforward, I'm sure he can follow'

'Eh tak, dia pandai isi borang ke apa-apa..it is just, my hubby ni pemalu sikit...dia ni tak pandai nak approach orang. It will be easier for him kalau you tolong'. (All this mengonfirm kan lagi suspicion I yang dia ni mega pemalas)

'This is England. You don't need insider to get you a job. A recommendation, yes. I don't know your husband, and I think it is more you that wanted the job rather than him'.

'I tolong dia aje...pasal tu lah I nak you jumpa dia...'

'What exactly you want me to do?'

'Tolong recommend dia'

'I think what you want is for me to get him the job...am I right? I have explained all the procedure, you keep wanting me to help your husband..nak tolong macam mana lagi...apply through the website and our HR will contact him. If he is selected, I can offer him an interview'

'I'm only asking for help...kalau you tak boleh tolong tak ngapa lah...'

I really looked at her for quite a loooooonggggggggg time after she said that. I think she realised that I read her mind and underneath intention plus, her displeasure. I raised my eyebrow, my classic silent indication of I couldn't be bothered/you're just being silly.

There was at least 10 minutes silence after that. She was in my office reading the files and I continue doing what I was doing. I can sensed that she was massively annoyed with me...tak taulah marah kat I pasal mulut I yang celupar ke or marah pasal I tak nak tolong dia.

Ended up she didn't finish what she was meant to be doing and resigned herself early for the day. Our goodbyes was a typical melayu sakit hati ending speech. She blurted out 'It's true what my friends told me...orang Melayu kat London ni sombong, tak nak tolong orang Melayu...semuanya nak jatuhkan orang Melayu aje'.

'Good, you should listen to your friend. I'm sure we all mature enough to see and think for ourselves'.

I betul rasa nak ludah dia but I think, after watching so many football games on Telly and dah tengok cemana buruknya rupa Wayne Rooney meludah mak kahak dia every 15 minutes...eeii, can you imagine all them footballers semua threading on their own spit, I better off swallow my own saliva.

I like to think that is the last of my encounter with Kak Katak...but who knows, she might ring back tomorrow.

Berbalik kepada Cik Abang Tembam itu, atas permintaan Cik Kiah & Manal, I transformed myself into a perigi today and I willingly start looking for my timba by sending the timba a text message. I hantar 'What's up?' (certainly not referring to his anaconda) dan dia balas 2,3 kali....waduhhhhh!!!!

Speak soon.

The One With...Makan Like Anak Babi

One of my tanda-tanda awal datang bulan is that I makan mengalahkan anak..eh, anak so little, ah..there you go..mak babi!!!! That is one. There's a complete cycle of perubahan character. Starting from nafsu makan diluar tabii...followed by angin kus-kus nak marah oranggggg aje....then, tak hujan tak ribut suddenly air mata bercucuran tak tau lah pasal apa...and finally the last indication, tompokan merah yang memalukan disertai dengan sakit perut yang sungguh menyakitkan hati. You know when I say sakit perut, the menstruating sakit perut is different from sakit perut lain-lain...

I don't know the best way to describe the sakit perut, but it sure is annoying and irritating. Sometime, the pain is akin to

a) Sakit perut macam nak berak...tapi tak pulak nak terberak...
b) You feel like ada anak-anak setan main tarik-tarik your tali pusat....
c) Sakit perut macam nak beranak...however, I cannot confirm this, as I pun belum beranak and at the rate I am going, jangan kata nak beranak, nak kahwin pun belum tentu ada orang nak

A week or at least 10 days before tumpah darah, I will be overcome with nafsu want-to-eat-like-pig.Tapi kan, tak period pun, I already makan mengalahkan jin and the during the ovulation process, the nafsu will increase from not only I want to have Special K or Bran Flakes for breakfast, within 1/2 hour, I demanded MB to cook me battered fish, with chips, mushy peas and chicken frankfurter.

Come lunch time, I asked MB to tapau me kuehtiau goreng from Oriental City and within 4 hours after that huge fish meals, I walloped a container of kuehtiau goreng, 3 karipap and 2 can of Pokka Coffee.


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I decided to go to work today. Hati masih panas mengenangkan Arsenal yang kalah semalam (maliewww tau...4-0) but I guess, MU need to win lepas dikalahkan dek Man City (isk..lagi maliewww, kalah kat tempat sendiri...) so..takpelah, kalah pun kalah lah..tak leh lah nak menangggg aje kan (matilaaa pujuk diri sendiri)

I locked myself away from others. I really need to get on with my neglected paperwork yang dah terbengkalai semenjak dua menjak berterbangan sana-sini ni. On my desk, there's 2 messages from Kak Katak, asking if I'm free to entertain her with some of her research tomorrow. Knowing Kak Katak yang 2,3 menjak ni dah pandai menyelam sambil minum air, her request for assistance will be diselangselikan dengan request-request yang lain (see...so babi dibalik kuehtiau kan?)

Trust that my hormones is all over the place, I called her. Really business-like call when I actually told her that I am responding to her 2 messages. 'You called me twice?' 'Saja nak tanya khabar...also diselangselikan dengan hihik..hihik..hihik....yiksssss'

Then came this, 'Eh, you boleh tak tolong my hubby dapat kerja kat tempat you?' I am so not in the mood. Honestly, I saw so many malay boys yang kena jadi kuli kat Mara House or that Edgware Road Malaysian restaurant, hati macam nak tanya, adik...meh la kerja kat tempat akak...pencen pun dapat tau. You all kerja mati-mati kat kedai makan ni, apa pun tak dapat.Gaji ciput lak tu'. The boys are so hardworking. I know for a fact that they get less than the national minimum wages...but, what can they do? With no proper immigration papers or National Insurance card, they have to make do with basuh pinggan £3.80 an hour...

With my red magma that will erupt anytime soon, I know that anymore ihik..hihihik....or any kind of gelak-gelak pompuan gatal will result in me mengeluarkan kata-kata puaka that can kill the katak instantly, I carefully words my reply to her, not at all indicating that laki dia pemalas and tak guna....

'Our organisation have a recruitment protocol. Get your husband to check out our website....www.lakikaupemalas.co.uk and find out more about the job and what is the requirement. I can give you the HR number and bla...bla....

(padahal, application form ada dalam laci I, saja ja kan tak nak tolong)

I was hoping that Kak Katak will put off....( I will if I am her) but can you believe this....

'You free tak ari Rabu, I ajak abang I jumpa you boleh...you cakaplah dengan dia..you ajar lah dia...'

Mak datukkkkkk.......

Update

I have got plenty reason to be bengang about this week, apart from tak dapat bunga (but that is already in my expectation list, this is what going to happen is you're so self centred)

Travelling between North West & West London already takes its toll on my TV life. I have missed so many episodes of Eastenders,Corrie,Home & Away and few bits of some really nice and sensible program to watch.I'm just so lucky that channel 5 and Living TV keep repeating all the CSI (NY,Miami & Vegas) because by the time I got home and in between awake and dead, I can still see them. Speaking of CSI, adakah aku sorang aje dalam dunia ni yang menyampah tengok muka Horatio yang sungguh meriah dengan parut jerawat itu? For a criminalist, he is behaving too competent to the extent of nauseating.That cermin mata hitam yang kejap sarung-kejap tanggal really doesn't improve his non-existent attributes.

Eastenders, the last I remember...there is this gay man who is related to this woman and all of a sudden, her husband has started to show his too effeminate side (although I quite like that kind of man) some people is heading towards the divorce, orang tu bergaduh, orang ni tak suka orang ni...however corny, I must say that the soaps is way much better than Malaysian 7pm drama..(kalau lah ada lagi program ni) not only that you'll see the same old actor/ress, you can't help to laugh seeing that actor this week in teenagers gear and week after, beruban siap batuk kokol-kokol lagi...nak jadi tua sangat.I'm sure we met so many OAPs, tapi takdelah yang cakap sikit terus batuk, cakap sikit terus batuk, kan? Actors here all goes to acting college and you really feel that you watching what you paid and phewww..money all worth it.

Earlier this week, boss issued a memo (dengan tak consult I nya) that I am now will be taking over this hidup-segan-mati-takmau unit in Harlesden. Boss not happy with the current Manager and my reports on the spot check I did the Saturday before asserts her decisions (Boss actually dah fed up dengan pompuan Nigeria ni) so, aku di assigned nya to take over dengan serta merta. Last Tuesday, the gang 'gang up' on me. I dropped by at 7.30pm, after shopping for some nice wall paintings for the project.The unit desperately need cosmetic job and I thought, since I pun takdelah pandai nak buat ID works and all that, I decided to kemas-kemas lah sikit, bagi cantik mana yang patut.The moment I walked in, the bunch cornered me into telling them, when can they start this meeting with me...aku pun 'Meeting hapanya?' The baru-kena-demoted Manager ghope-ghopenya dah kumpulkan gang-gang nya to sit down in what she call a 'disciplinary meeting'. Tak terkejut aku? Hoping that takde orang nak parang I, I just said, I did not call any meeting and I have to go as I have to be some where else. Terus aku blah...

I called my boss straightaway.....boss, camno ni boss....I have, 1 Nigerian, 3 Jamaican waiting to grilled me...( I am not at all being racist but must tell you the existence of the tribe culture among the gagaks...you jgn pandai-pandai nak hambek what they think is theirs....habis kau di siat nya)

Boss macam biasa pujuk-pujuk. The next day I came with my toolbox. I start rearranging wall pictures and furniture.I am quite pleased in the end although not really fit my standard...and I started to think..gagak-gagak ni tak pandai kemas rumah ke? Colour coordination sungguhlah out nya.I was really trying my best. The Jamaican gang is playing it safe with me...I'm sure they are quite desperate to hang on to their job and therefore, bermusuh dengan I pun takde makna nya.I did not disturb what is already established but I must start getting the demoted manager (DM) out of her office and started to do real work. Patients and their family are not happy.Boss lagi lah menyampah gila dengan dia.She was very cold towards me on the first day. The first 2 days I was there, I picked up things that I didn't like with the way things are working.After work, me and the DM have a chat, I initiated the chat...after all, I still need her to work there when I'm not.DM is still not happy with the way she was treated. I talked some sense into her but still tak jalan...I cubalah hint-hint why boss marah kat dia.Masih gak dia buta.

The 2nd day we chat again, while I'm still trying to make her see sense, pun masih tak jalan.I contacted her former boss and mintak opinion (see..baik tak I?) It turned out to be, semua orang dah tau dia takleh buat kerja...apart from herself!!! I reported hasil gossipan to the boss and boss suruh lagi I korek-korek info. But I think boss dah fed up nak mati, boss sekarang nak cari case nak buang dia masuk longkang aje (can I use this terminology for sack?)

3rd day, semalam...dengan badan yang sakit and berfeeling-feeling nak demam, I went there again with another colleague yang boleh tahan jugak kepuakaan mulutnya. I cakap dgn my colleage ni...Eh, you hitam..they all pun hitam...kalau you cakap maybe they all nak dengar...(boleh tak cakap macam ni) The talk went on for 3 hours...and I think in the end, barulah dia dapat tengok why boss demoted her...(but secretly I think, dia masih tak puas hati)

Now ni ada masalah baru pulak...disebabkan kekamcengan I dengan boss, the ex Manager mintak tolong I slow talk dengan boss to give DM her job back...I said I can't, because boss got good reasons...and sadly, I agreed with boss.

Boss now suruh I tukar sikit konsep rumah tu...dari rumah Hitam to rumah ada kaler-kaler sikit...sebabnya patient semua orang putih, and orang putih ni favourable dengan orang-orang dia sendiri jugak....we also have to think about cultural representative, macam mana orang hitam nak represent culture orang putih kan?

Satu kerja lagi nak me recruit orang kan?

Speaking of recruiting, Kak Katak mintak I recommend laki dia yang ala-ala kerbau balau tu kerja in one of our unit. I ni bukan tak nak recommend, laki dia kan pemalas, buat nya patient-patient tu start buat perangai ke, nak lari dari rumah ke, kena ludah ke, kena carut and all he does is duduk mengangkang, siapa yang susah?

I must find a way to turn Kak Katak down...

***Apa-apa pun, marilah kita sama-sama menengok Arsenal lawan MU petang ni...Hey, Adebayor, kalau kau tak sepak goal,kita bercerai okay?***

Where's The Flowers?

I never get flowers, ceklat or anything romantic for Valentine's. Never. Bercinta macam nak mati (and orang tu pun dah mati) pun tak pernah dapat bunga. Let me remember....(hard...very hard) tak ada.The nicest thing from him is a mixed tape and the engagement ring (yang bila hati panas, buang pastu cari balik...)

Hati wanita ini nak jugaklah merasa orang hantar bunga kat office...helium balloon besar gedabak...pastu seisi office tengok...'Waaaa..you boiplennn..so lomentikkk'. That never happened.

I always say that I don't do flowers...memang betul. If I'm given a choice, you nak apa...I'll opt for more practical thing like duit, computer game, chocolate...however, I will never say no to flowers and I can see myself berfeeling bunga-bunga bila dapat bunga. Kesian kan I?

I was talking to male colleagues today, tanyalah..hey you all, takde ke beli bunga for yr woman...2 out of 4 kata, my girl tak suka bunga, she's into something practical. Well, I imagine that if you tell your boyfriend/husband that you're into something practical, mana yang semi-sensitive will take you out for a meal together, but you'll see he is the one enjoying the food more than you do and tak de pun berpegang-pegang jari across the table with him telling you how beautiful you are. He will probably moan...'It cost me bomb this dinner'.

To man yang fully practical and yang tak sensitive langsung pulak, if you voice out your desired Valentine's gift is something that is practical to both you and him, maka, the man will probably think having intercourse is what you mean...it signifies 2 things, showing his love and giving you pleasure...

*** This only applies to a relationship that has passed the comfort date***

In my care, there is this 22 year old Asperger man, reasonably good looking, no personality and if it's not because of his diagnosis, he is the most obnoxious man a woman ever bore. Understandably, no social skills. But life is about wanting and willing, however defected your brain is. I appreciate his brain defect hence resulting in his learning difficulties. Orang kata, kalau bodoh boleh belajar... tapi kalau bongkak gajah..sampai tua la kau mati keras...

Personality is something you can create and manage. We all tend to copy and quite fortunate that some of us know which act to follow and combine it with our original features and we get our desired personality. Orang tak hensem tapi boleh jadi hensem in different aspect and I'm sure many will fall in love (rupa adalah sikit) with the way people present themselves. Anyway...chenta itu buta,but we should argue this. All the pompuan cantik, go out with not so good looking man but banyak duit.Mata kena lah jadi buta kan?

I have stop working with him and not refer him to any more counselling session. Tak ada guna nya. When I look back at my previous patients file, all this men have similarities. I think we hardly ever have any successful session or program with men. You identify their problems, you can see their needs but what you can't change the way they think. Pure reason for that is because they don't want to. They will, but that is when they're ready. Along with their stunted maturity.

When we're in a relationship, we desperately hope that things will be smooth all the way through. We tried and hope, non-stop. Sometimes we change our way but later questioned, why did I bother? I think we bother is because we care too much.

My teraphy supervisor told us today that man will change when they're ready and this will normally be a very unconscious process. They will certainly change if they want to, but in most cases, changes occur when it's already too late.

You remember that Boyz II Men song 'Some people will work things out and some just don't know how to change.....'

Doesn't matter lah..aku jugak yang takde dapat bunga.....

Why Bad Thing Happened To Nice People?

I was driving to Harlesden today, pinjam kereta MB. Driving through Gunnersbury and Acton ditengah-tengah hari memanglah macam cilanat especially when you start thinking, aik..apasal ramainya orang atas jalanraya ni.This is like 11 to 12 o'clock day time. Tak kerja ke? You never know with British Citizen ni (with Hjh Leemah exception) nampak macho, tapi semuanya jobless. I have worked in the system long enough to know that ramainya yang declare tak larat nak bekerja and claim duit benefit (originated dari duit tax ku yang dipotong bulan-bulan)

Ada orang ni, tak kerja and claim benefit. Katanya, dia depressed and pasal tu tak boleh nak kerja. Bukan setakat depressed aje, sakit kaki lah, tangan tak kuat lah..tapi bila pegang botol wine and beer can, larat pulak kan?

Unmarried mother with kids....satu baby, £300 monthly. On the bus, you can see a young girl with twin pram with two of her children, obviously from a different source, satu kaler putih and satu lagi kaler tak berapa putih and tak berapa hitam. Popping out babies dah jadik cam lucrative business.During working hours, you may find these girls hanging out with their mates also with prams of babies....smoking ciggarettes, flashing mobiles, Ipod and of course, their babies.

Well, young girls with babies and fit looking man claiming to be ill that I saw on the road today is the least of my problem now.The thing is, jalanraya punyalah sibuk...and I was struggling to keep up, I have been at work since yesterday evening (dimana..adalah orang tu sempat YM I sebelum dia keluar melachorrrr) only managed to sleep for couple of hours and then started work again straightafter...by the time I was sitting passively in the car and doing nothing but changing the gear from 1 to 2,to 3 and to 2 and 1 again...bayang-bayang katil dah start memanggil.

The government have imposed a stricter law for the motorist....and I fully agree with the decision. Bagi padan muka mereka-mereka yang bawak kereta mengalahkan si Manal. You cannot drive on a bus lane, you cannot drive into the yellow box and all that farts parking regulations and kejap-kejap macam ni, kejap-kejap macam ni enough to make people like me yang sungguh berhemah ni menjadi lebih cautious.

Tetapi, malang itu sungguhlah berbau kentut.Consciously driving very slow, cars are queueing to get through this particular traffic lights.As I remember, I was approaching the lights and as I can see it, memang lah nya warna gadung, Lizs oiii. All vehicle was moving and so was I. Tau tau, I dah betul tengah-tengah that crossing zone, still queueing.I remember moving ahead a bit further where the car was 3 quarter passed the first line.I'm clearly blocking the road for the pedestrian. Tiba-tiba, daripada warna gadung..terus nya jadik kuning...ahhhh. I have to decide quick. If I stop right there, I'll be blocking people's way...I can't handle their dirty look. So I thought, I move quickly forward and for all I know, nya dah bertukar kaler merah as I passed across and tupp!!! Terus lampu flash keluar. Maka telah diconfirm kan dengan rasminya, kamek dah melanggar lampu merah.....tanpa tidak sengaja.

All the way to Harlesden, I keep thinking about saman yang bakal kuterima yang berjumlah £80.00 itu. Wah.......why this is happening. Why bad thing have to happen to nice people (nice apa benda nya...dok ngumpat sokmo, nilah bala tuhan bagi)

I have seen so many Paria-Pariammah kat Hounslow yang bawak kereta mengalahkan pelesit tapi tak pulak kena saman ke hapa.I have been so nice, I gave way, I am considerate and I don't deserved this.

2 years ago, I kena sama jugak dengan Community Police yang perasan macam police betul.I parked in the area where you can only park for 20 minutes. I may have exceed but not to the extend of berejam-jam. I pleaded to the Policeman, telling them what I do. I was with a patient with chronic mental issue and don't comprehend time management.Pun Police Community Celaka itu bolayan I.

Trust that I will come up with puaka remark bila hati dah panas...I said to that Community Policeman 'It is not a very community thing isn't it to give me ticket over something like this?'

Berani kan I? (Bodoh more like) Bak kata MB, nasib baik kitak sik dihumban nya dalam lokap.Berani kitak....

Too Tight To Mention

The day of the Chinese New Year, I went to Leicester Sq to meet F for brunch. We thought we should meet up to decide whether it is now make or break, as segala muhasabah serawak semuanya dah tak jalan, we are constantly at each others throat, maki memaki (inilah hasilnya bercampur dengan orang putih kan? Makiiiiiiiiii aje) We split up last October although in between jumpa-jumpa jugak as aku ni masih lagi kuat memainkan peranan sebagai orang gaji, buat laundry, basuh pinggan kemas rumah what not (so orang gaji Pilipin kan?) but the relationship are now without the 100% commitment where, I now spent long hours at work without feeling guilty meninggalkan si tua tu kat rumah and I can start focussing on work yang semakin hari semakin banyak tu. Boss ordered me to take up this course for professional qualification so that I can be registered with the governing bodies. I agreed and I missed out the first day of the training (pasalnya hari tu, ada orang sewel terlepas keluar dari unit and I have to wait anxiously by the phone...nasibnya tak baik sungguh, jumpa after a day, dalam longkang and dah kena rog) so, macam mananya nak jadi qualified ni, kalau training/seminar asyik tak datang aje? So, I cleared up my stuff from the house yesterday (takdelah ambik segalamala, just baju-baju aje) and was feeling so sad about the whole thing.

I’m sure all of us (aku sorang aje lah nampak gaya nya) experienced this thing where, you realised things will not work anymore no matter how hard you try and then decided that, okay, enough is enough with the stress, get out of it while you can but after that, rasa guiltyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy seguilty-guilty nya. Guilty apa, tak tau. The state of F’s flat clearly indicated the current state of mind and orang tua tu tanpa rasa segan silu dok bagitau I..yang kunun nya, akulah yang menyebabkan dia jadi begitu...aku lah yang kijam, aku lah yang takde hati perut...bla..bla..bla...(well, I quite like the bit where I takde perut tu..maka boleh le aku makan bebanyak without thinking about transforming into pompuan debab)

Some people are so gifted to unconsciously walked you down to the guilt trip, naturally able to make you feel shitty and what do you know, question back your decision.

Kawan-kawan ketat semua dah cakap kat I, alah...dia tu main dengan kepala hotak kau knowing that you have that soft spot yang akan cair bila hati dah kesian. I telephoned orang tua tu last night before bed and we have quite healthy conversation and pagi ni pulak, bila I call, dia dah start membuat perangai puaka nya and I rasa macam bercakap dengan setan pulak. Mula lah I rasa menyesal membagi muka and cursing myself hard for giving in, percaya gila-gila yang dia dah berubah laku menjadi anak arnab yang baik.

Because of the state of that orang tua (katanya dia akan jadi gila, and kononnya dia pun dah semi gila dek kerna perangai I yang kejam ini) I am now in two mind about my latest venture with Mak Badaks. Orang tua tu cakap, if I go ahead, maka, aku lah orang yang paling kejam and takde perikemanusiaan dalam England ni, not to mention the legality of my actions. Jahanam kan, nak ugut-ugut I camtu.

I decided to beli rumah dengan Mak Badaks, senang orang nak datang. Tau-tau lah sedara mara or kawan-kawan, tak kan nak hantar duduk hotel yang dah le mahal, condition macam celaka lak tu. You are paying Malaysia 5 star rate to get into a dingy room yang berbau lipas. Plus, nak buat pelaburan dihari tua lah kan...the property cost £230,000 and by the time I finished paying for it, the resale value can get me that Istana Atap biru kat Bukit Kayangan itu.

While others can see sense, si malaun ini macam ada learning difficulties pulak and mulalah tuduh I yang bukan-bukan.In the heat of the argument, hati yang sakit ni memanglah lagi nak menyakitkan hati orang itu...and I come up with kata-kata yang boleh tahan jugak puaka nya. In the end, I just cakap, Eh..I bukan mintak permission you...I bagi tau you. You tak suka, you tak suka lah...

But semalam after I balik dari rumah orang tu, I jadik bersalah and cakap dengan my friend Beyonce ni, you all go ahead beli rumah tu and jangan taruk nama I. I will be a silent partner aje. And Beyonce pun tak senang hati....

When I borak dengan my sister that day, aku pun dah lah mula mengompang kan kat they all (dengan harapan my sisters boleh la start mengompang kat orang kampong yang sememangnya jeles dengan keglameran I) pasal my intention nak beli rumah ni. My sister said that my parents was so pleased, siap nak kasi duit lagi...

But I’m now torn between keeping the family happy (by knowing where I am..kau ni duduk dengan siapa...kawan mana pulak ni...) or making my relationship works. Hari-hari I pikir..mak bapak dah tua, what more can they ask for apart from hati selesa bil atahu anak selamat. Orang putih kat sini, anak cukup umur aje, tak menyempat-nyempat mak bapak suruh keluar rumah. I know what my choice is but the problem now is that I cannot cope with guilt, andai kata lah orang tu betul-betul jadi mereng. Tu tak masuk lagi hal-hal legal that can be used against me. So complicated kan?

Kiah, any tips for assertiveness?

I Don't Have It All

I received 2,3 emails from my unofficial address (boley tak cakap macam ni? siap ada official, unofficial address lagi...) To me official means email dari sahabat-sahabat ketat serata alam...email dari adinda-adinda yang tak sudah-sudah nak mereport proses tumbesaran anak masing-masing (as if aku ni interested...aiyoo..bongkak sungguh), email dari bank-bank (maklumlah Makji kan sekarang ni shopping online, simpan duit bayar hapa kebenda lain pun online) and also email from sedara-mara yang nak bertanya khabar (serta memesan barangan Mark & Spencer)

So this unofficial email address, thanks to Bella yang tukang meng'create' nya, semata-mata supaya I boleh online in that messenger thingy.Nak tunggu sendiri buat, tak kan adalah kan...pemalas segalanya I ni (ish..pemalas ka, bodoh?) hanyalah untuk mereka-mereka yang nak hantar email to Hjh Esah. Although through this email, I also received plenty of too good to be true stories about some Nigerian millionaires who died of so many unnatural causes and left bundles of cash in need of urgent transfers into my bank account.Might you want to ask them, kalau kayo tak kan lah takde will kan? And why on earth do you want to transfer that millions into a strangers account? I still can't figure out the rational of the scam.

Okay, there's this email, quite stupidly funny.Asking me to stop harrasing him or, dia nak report polis.I was shocked at first, thinking 'bila la masa aku nak kacau orang ni...nak berak pun tak sempat kan?' Because of that email being in my unofficial email address, who ever yang perasan dirinya di harass oleh Makji Esah, surelah bahlol. I yang sama bahlol ni pun keep on reading...(sajalah kan)and the last paragraph says 'tapi, kalau awak betul2 nak kat saya, silalah jumpa mak bapak saya, dan melamar saya melalui saluran yang betul'.

Macam ni lah. On a daily basis, I got to meet so many crazy people.Yang betul gila, yang buat-buat gila and yang gila-gila.This is obviosly a meant-to-be funny joke sent by some trying-to-be funny person. Who ever he is, I hope he is happy because most certainly, people who is trying very hard to crack a joke is a unhappy soul.They need to laugh themselves.Nak gelak sensorang kang dikata confirmed sewel.Nak tak nak, buatlah joke bangang.I'm sure he is laughing hard.He know how to amuse himself.

The biggest problem in my day-today work is trying to get my patient to find alternative to alleviate their own tension.Some can be quite devious in manipulating people.I was angry with this Asperger Guy today and made it very clear to him that I'm not interested to talk when all his doing is provoking me.Just about I announced my decision untuk bermati kutu, he decided to kill himself...'If you don't want to talk to me, I'm going to kill myself'.

Again, I am sooooooooooooooooo used to this kind of threats.Professionally, you really have to see through this but I'm very much into human mode today and I decided to be like another human. 'Is that your answer to everything?' 'Okay, what don't you just do that...but let me remind you that committing suicide is painful....just let me know how it feels later on, yeah?' (Kalau lah boss I dengar, harus aku kena house arrest)

But you know, kalau hati dah sakit, badan dah penat, tak kena buatan orang macam orang ini pun, we sure can come out with kata-kata puaka yang tajam lagi menghiris hati.

I also received one disgruntled email, calling me a 'Melayu Tak Sedar Diri'. Well, how can I write let alone mengumpat if I 'tak sedar diri' kan? This sender reckoned yang I ni menunjuk pandai. Eh..I memang pandai apa...not many people can study oversea, although I shouldn't be so bongkak since I ni takdelah pandai macam Kiah or MBA,PHD holder yang lain. Dah le ada degree aje, 2nd class honour lak tu...but, kira pandai la jugak dari yang tak habis sekolah tu.

Another email...nak tau lah Hjh Esah ni orang mana....orang N9 ke, East Malaysian ke. I mentioned this before, my mother is from Sumatera and my father is from Kuala Kangsar. I was released in Kandang Kerbau (tak glamer sungguh) but if you dare me, kamek boleh kelakar Seghawak...and N9. We spent ages there with bapaknda being a sojar in Kem Sunggala. The Sumatran side of family decided to menotap kek Seri Menanti, and woohoiii..there's plenty of us from the Seri Menanti base all the way through Bukit Putuih then Paroi Jaya.

In addition to my CV, I can communicate using sign language too (dah kojo pun dengan orang pokak) and some berkarat French (kan ke I ada affair kejap dengan Arsene Wenger?)

See, Hjh Esah is so normal and plain. Takdelah pandai macam Kiah. Kiah have it all...laki, anak, kucing, orang gaji....keto godang.

Have a nice weekend ya, you all.

Tuesday Thoughts

Today is February the 5th.

I volunteered to pick baby Sam from the nursery. I tell you, I like going to the nursery. I’ve been there couple of times whenever Mandy (Sam’s mum) terdesak nak gila takde orang nak rescue anak nya. Picking up Sam is my perfect excuse untuk mengular. Every time I went there, segerombolan budak kecik yang menjadi mangsa abandon’ an mak masing-masing mulalah datang mengerumun I. See, I am there to collect one of them. The babies gave me a look like they have been a prisoner with their blue, green, brown eyes saying ‘rescue me’. Sam is ever so excited to be picked up. The moment I held him into my arms, he glanced a triumphant look to all the ‘un rescued babies’ macam ‘Hah...lihatlah donia...tinggal lah kau’

This is the only time I can do the ‘Ibu Mithali’ bit, only to anak orang lain. Nak tunggu anak sendiri, sampai tua lah kan...

I was supposed to have my ECG appointment today. I experienced a very irritable palpitations lately ni. Doktor-doktor celup around me reckoned that it has got to do with my stress level. I pulak ingat ni misti sebab I susah nak berak that soaring my stress level. I have stopped taking the pill pasalnya my nafsu makan mengalahkan nafsu mengonkek Samantha Jones SATC pulak. I was reading about young people with heart conditions. (Young people lah pulak kan? Kira muda ke I ni?) I am surrounded by smokers. Orang kata passive smoker lah yang selalu kena chronic disease ni. Tak merokok susah, merokok pun susah...habis, tak kan nak duduk kotak kasut pulak....

But I didn’t. I chickened out. I was doing our monthly inspection report with Miss Nigeria that I mentioned the ECG. It turned out that Miss Nigeria had done one herself. So she was telling me about the procedure, and aku terus tak jadi pergi.For a very stupid reason. Miss Nigeria said that I may be ask to do a full ‘up waist’ monty. And I have issues with nudity, partial or full frontal. Hisshhhh....say what you like, Kiah...but aku ini gadis pemaliewwwwwww

Now, I will never know what cause the irritable palpitations. (Give me 2, 3 days. Somebody will then knock some sense into my head)

12 years ago today, my brother passed away. Last 25th January, at 4am, I got a text from a very close friend of mine. I was in a deep sleep. But I remember dreaming about Paris, along the Rue JF Kennedy overlooking the river. I was with Sham walking side by side (pegang-pegang tangan....) sometime during 1993 autumn. We were travelling around Europe and France was the last destination. He was in his final year in UMIST and that was the only time out of our 10 years relationship that we really spend lots of time alone together. Bukanlah membuat maksiat Kiah oiii.....in that dream, we were just holding hands. His hand was very warm. Our walk was cut short with my mobile beeping. I was woken up. Sempat hati panas lagi tu...siapalah dok message aku pepagi buta ni. I always get extra anxiety bila phone berbunyi pagi-pagi hari ni...you know what lah kan?

The text message read ‘Shamsul passed away one hour ago. Acute brain tumour. Call me if you need to talk’.

I didn’t call the sender back. I didn’t want to. I don’t know what to say. Because I was so busy with work, I didn’t think about it much. It is only when at night or in between takde kerja, the memory of him keep coming and going. Only the good one. The one that makes me smile. Besides breaking my heart into the smallest pieces that I can even think of, this man once made me very happy. I have loved him more than I can ever love anyone (ceh...drama sungguh....but don’t la counts love to mak bapak...that one nothing can beat)

My friends reckoned that I never got over the break up. I pulak think that yes, I got over that but I still can’t mend my broken heart. My heart was broken twice. I dread to think that he is going to do the hatrick.

I have always wanted Shamsul dead....amboi kasarnya tutur kata...Not in any malicious kind but I think, my life will be a lot easier if he didn’t exist anymore. I don’t ever have to keep harping on him. I have to be in a different continent to get away.

It is a totally different feeling altogether now. Of course I am sad. I cannot describe my feelings now. Of all day, I thought hard about him today. I also think about my dear brother. They both history now, but it is hard to grieve for someone who is dead in your thought than someone who is still living in your memory.

Shut Up and Let Me Drive...

Makji Esah & Baby Sam Yang Dah Semakin Mengada-Ngada

Current location, Alton - Hampshire. How did I get to the meeting today? I didn't get enough sleep, so I slept through my mobile phone alarm.By the time my eyes really opened, dah pukul 7.30am. I was so late!!! I should be at the train station by 8.00am, knowing that the morning rush,I planned my journey early.I must be on that platform 9 Clapham Junction by 8.30am. How to be at Clapham Junction at 8.30am when 7.30am still tak mandi?

My boss have this thing about punctuality.I have always tried to be early.9 out of 10 I succeeded so I am still in her good book.Having left with no other choice, I have to pinjam MB's car. Ni yang leceh ni. When I was summoned to Croydon recently, I borrowed her car and my boss, thinking that the car is mine, thought that the company must have been paying me mint. 'Eh, bukan kereta I laa....I takde kereta, I ada Oyster Card aje'.

I remember when I first pick Capt Lukman up driving MB's car. 'Amboiii..Makji, kereta khelasss githooo'.Sorry dik, bukan kereta I.

I arrived Hampshire on time and nah!!! The entire meeting attendee's saw me driving the car. And it's me have to do the 'bukan kereta I laaa' over again.

Okay....what's with the community and car? Especially kereta-kereta yang berbangsa taknak kalah macam kereta MB ni?

When MB bought the car, although much to my dismay, I can foresee habislah kita nanti kena pandang Mat Mat Pak* yang berkereta bagak-bagak.Talking about men and their machine.My idea about Asians boys in their mean machine is always...ye la, korang boley la beli kereta memahal,dah tua bagak masih dok menumpang rumah makbapak, 3 bedroomed house populated my atuk nenek, amma, appa, anne, akka....and sewa tak yah bayar.So, bolehlah kau beli BM,Merce,Jag ke dengan sonang baitu kan?

I got lots and lots of stare from the bangang onlookers.Kalau pandang I takpelah jugak...ni pandang kereta, pastu pandang I and pastu pandang kereta balik.Wah..tak chantekk ke I ni?

Our meeting was supposed to start at 10am but the 1st 15 minutes, I pulak kena buat presentation on how good it is to drive that car.Aiyaa...6 gear meh? Is it all automatic? How is the petrol consumption? Got immobilliser?

Aiyooo....don't ask me that.When come to a car, I'm just a pure woman who just syaddap and drive, drive,drive!!!! (Plus kena pastikan minyak sentiasa cukup)

I am so certain that when I was living in KL, I was a victim of the criminal mechanic.Ni kena tukar, tu kena tukar....

Having men around (I'm talking father, brother and car mad male cousins) pun takleh pakai juga. They are very sensitive with the tinniest sound and mulalah start panic.Macam kereta tu nak mati masa-masa tu jugak.Sometimes, do you not just wish men share same attitude to their car (being neurotically observant) as to you? Jangan harap la....

MB was driving a mini...that suites her (really) and less pretentious. The only problem was nak hangkut barang. I remember picking up Abg Dale from his relatives house in Bayswater and as my kaki pun panjang, I had to sit like that David Schwimmer giraffe in that movie Madagascar.That incident is enough indication for her to look for another machine.But MB, in our years of friendship....masih tak mau kalah, walaupun kadang-kadang poket dah parah!!!

Beli kereta kat UK bukan macam beli kereta kat Pusat Edaran Proton yang macam puaka tu. The salesman will encourage you to fabricate your payslips and formed a very unhealthy relationship with the local bank.The local bank (in Malaysia) loves debtors, whereas in the UK, they try to minimise the possibility of one growing into one.

What I still cannot fathom, people still buy car after clearly knowing that they are paying for the price of two.Car dealer will give you the bank brochure (do not let me start on pinjaman al Wadiah..al-al all that al yang penipu penyangak tu)

But what is my point? I don't have a point. I'm just moaning.I have to go to Colchester tomorrow and will soon find out how Essex people say about the car.

Updates

My last update was on the 21st. Today is the 30th. Okaylah tu....not like as if bulan ni update pastu bulan 5 baru muncul kan? Aiyaaa..kasihanilah daku...the last 2 weeks was so eventful dengan orang tu mati la, orang ni mati la...being half-Indonesian myself, I must join my fellow countrymen/women mourning for Pak Suharto although I doubt my mother yang soheh-soheh Indonesian tu give a hoot about him.

Then came Heath Ledger. Tak tau lah nak cakap apa...died of natural causes eventually. It is hard to comment on whether I should judge him on the drug issue or should I pity his broken heart plight. I may identify the bit where 'merana can kill'. Aku pun merana jua,tapi takdelah sampai nak hisap dadah what not.But departed soul always leave to be at the better place. So, selamat pergi lah kepada yang dah pergi tu.

Where was I? I was in Wales big chunk of the time. I was asked to be part of the transition team. It is either that or lepaking kat rumah. You see, my boss wanted to sign me off. A patient had terrorised me until CEO got to summoned me to Head Office. I had wanted to leave. Boss got worried and asked me to rest. Why didn't I take that offer?

What good will it do to do nothing at home? I wanted to go back to KL but me and MB's was making this plan and because of that I got to be very careful spending my money just in case I need it. I increased my visit to my therapist. In the end, it got me so angry because there was one session where the moment my jacksie hit the couch, I switched into Neng Yatimah's mode until the 40 minutes timer beeps. Until today I wonder why was I so sad that day. Was it the problems or the fact that I wasted £35 for nothing...(crying in the whole session...pastu kena bayar £35...words of the kedekut)

My relationship with orang itu take turn for the worst. To say the least.

To take my mind off things, I agreed to travel and by travelling, I am unable to make myself available to you.But the honest truth is that, my mind and my heart is not in the right place at the moment.But now I'm updating my blog. This must mean something.

I returned to London couple of days ago.To my beloved laptop (kenapa aku tak bawak laptop tu jalan sekali?) But for the next 3,4 days, I have to attend meetings everywhere....Hampshire, Colchester and Manchester.

If you must know, Siamang died last week. Brain tumour. That explains his persistence to keep in touch.

I don't know what to say for now. I guess, this is what I have always wanted.A perfect closure.

Speak soon.

Updates

Disebabkan I bukanlah penulis laman blog yang fofuler..(although..I quite like to feel that I am sometimes...kasilah aku chance syok sendiri naa?) I just don't feel the urge to update, given my latest circumstances.

When was my last post? Yepp...few days after Spice Girls concert. I'm bad at giving review sebab semuanya nanti berat sebelah. Orang kata tak best, aku kata...wuiyoooo!!! But I really have to give them 4 thumbs up...termasuklah ibu jari kaki. The fact is that,

a) Yes, individually, they all can sing but being a band, they sounded much much better as a group. I have always like Mel C. Walaupun suatu ketika dahulu dia debab dan bertatto sana-sini. If I am being honest, Baby Spice sounded better than the rest that night. Scarry live up to her name...dah le suara macam hon kapal tangki, Mel B danced provocatively thoroughout the night...sakit betul mata Makji ni memandang. Posh gets the most cheers and applaud. Ginger tak habis-habis girl power, girl power. Apa yang power pun tatau. And yess, masing-masing datang bawak anak and show them off to the audience while singing 'Mama'. Some years ago, creative people in Astro played this song and change the lyric to 'Mamak...teh ais satu.....Mamak toseyyyyy.....

b) They all sing live....takde pun miming. They dance pretty well too.

c) Nope. David Beckham is not there....I honestly can't see why he should, nanti takde orang nak tengok Spice Girl.

The Spice Girl concert ticket is a present from my partner. Lepas concert, we all bergaduh besar sangat sampai I keluar rumah tak balik-balik sampai sekarang...eh, tidak. I balik semalam...pasal dah takde baju. (Moral dari kejadian ini? Lain kali kalau nak lari, bungkus baju cukup-cukup tau) We only started talking 3,4 days ago.

My office mates pay for my ticket to see 'Mamma Mia'. All I can say is that, if you ever come to London, you must never miss this.It worth every penny.Money well spent...walaupun aku tak bayar habuk pun.

Walaupun hati gumbira dapat tengok Spice Girl & Mamma Mia, setan yang bermastautin dalam badan ku ini memanglah takleh duduk diam. I deliberately called Makji Eton during the show. Both Spice Girl & Mamma Mia. But bila I visit dia recently, rasa menyesal pulak buat menda-menda terkutuk tu. Tak baik sungguh I buat dia sengsara dalam kegigihan dia menternak arnab tu. But I'm sure he will soon return the favour...bila dia berhuha sakan kat Concert Celine Dion. Masa tu lah aku akan tahu langit tu tinggi ke rendah.

Today I read about that Judge/Lawyer, who was captured in that video clip hapa benda tu. Is this the new thing....buat video-video ni? What ticked me is when he claimed 'rupa macam saya, suara macam saya...tapi itu bukan saya'.

Without breaking confidentiality, couple of years ago, one of my patient that suffers from OCD plus dia ni adalah ngiow sikit-sikit. Besides her unfortunate illness, as a person she is blessed with sifat-sifat puaka semulajadi yang lain. Because of I work with this lot, it is not diificult to tell who is manipulative and how they use they 'disability' to get away with thing. One of which adalah satu keluarga berahak Italian ni...boleh tak nak bayar bill api air bagai atas sebab-sebab 'Oh...he have disability, he shouldn't pay'. Kepala hatuk hang....

This young lady, bless her soul...reported to us duit dia hilang. Ada orang curi dari bank dia katanya. The panel of investigation pun kenalah investigate, because she is living in care, people around her is so vulnerable. As much as we think the disabled is vulnerable to others, orang yang macam kita ni boleh sedap-sedap je jadi mangsa kena tuduh.Yang kadang-kadang jadi sakit hati tu, dah terang-terang sipuaka ni menipu pun tak boleh kena salahkan juga.Kunun nya la, the system have to protect the 'vulnerable' one. These are the type of people yang gi tempeleng the civillians pastu court bagi lepas pasal diminished responsibilities or temporary insanity. And orang macam aku ni lah yang bekerja cam nak mampus memprotect si celaka-celaka ni (hamboi mulut ku...kerja tak ikhlas kan aku ni?)

Cut the long story short (believe me, the investigation lasted 6 months with this lady changing her story every time we asked aboout her events recollections) after trips to banks and police station, thorough interviews plus reconstructions of events in the hope to jog her memory (more like to prove to the investigation panel yang si Haram Jadah ni menipu) we have to proposed to her Social Services to close the case, simply because there is no lead to follow and no evidence. I was the one who presented the report to her Care Management that time and remember reading all the investigations reports to the panel. This is what she answer every time we asked about the missing money...

1. The first time, she reckoned that her support have taken it from her bank. When we asked, how can anybody else have access to your bank when you're the one with pin and the card, she jawab 'I don't know'.

2. I think this is during the 2nd interview, we show her the bank statement, evidencing that money was taken out at sekian-sekian time and card number and with her movement diaries shows that she was actually in that area, dia jawab 'Somebody that look like me, same name with my card have taken my money'. Eh...familar kan dengan kes Lingham tu...siapa tiru siapa hah?

3. In one interview, ada ka dia pi cakap...dia hilang ingatan pasal orang pukul dia. Cisssss.....selective memory defect sungguh kan?

4. Ni lagi kelasssss.....katanya dia melanggan pelacur. So duit nya konon dibawak lari oleh jantan brengsek itu la....(But I actually was thinking otherwise like..hoi..ada ke jantan yang lalu tengok muka kau tu? Jahat tak I?) Bila kita tanya mana dia dapat pelacur ni...kat phone booth ke or apa-apa ke, she jawab...masa dia dok berjalan-jalan kat tepi River Thames, pelacorrr jantan tu terus datang offer service...(apasal bila aku gi tepi sungai takde pun pelacor datang approach I? Tak chantekk ke I?)

Kesimpulannya, walaupun cerita I ni takde pun melibatkan orang-orang politik or Royal family, I can understand that some of us just don't have the capacity to lie because they simply just can't. They tried hard, obviously unconvincing pun. My patient is blessed with IQ below 70 and if she come up with benda tak masuk akal, you can excuse her limited intelligence.Si Lingham ni kunun nya bijak bestari gitu, awat la dia bangang gi bagi alasan tu? This is already 2008, people don't do Edry & Linda anymore.

While here you can understand banyak nya body double and people can actually make a living posing as a celebrity, siapalah nak jadi dead ringer Lingham tu?

Have a nice day you all.

p/s - Makji Eton, selamat nonton Suster Ngesot ya!!!! Buka mata batin mu.
p/s - Yatie, I've been wanting to say this for long now but deepest condolences to you and your family on your mom's passing. Semoga tabah.
p/s - All my fellow Capricorn, Happy Birthday
p/s - Kepada orang itu, kalau nak update blog, update je lah.Takyah lah nak buat-buat rajin kunun nya takut kena maki dengan aku...(plus I really think you should call Ustazah Munah)

Entry Malas

Bebudak Pompuan Ni Semua Tak Reti Nak Duduk, Berjoget Macam Nak Rak, Susah Makji Yang Sakit Pinggang ni Nak Tengok Mel C Nyanyi...Cisss

The O2 Arena Entrance

The Birthday Present

Tu aje you all. Kepala tengah pusing memikirkan masalah Mary J Blige yang dah makin teruk ni...tak boleh nak menaip panjang-panjang. Bye For Now.And kepada Makji Eton, nantikanlah kedatangan kamek ya...bersama-sama kita memakan karipap.

Kisah Mary J Blige

This is the situation.

Mary J Blige was doing okay. Career, finance and so forth. Mary J Blige think that for now (after a long,long time) she should be on her own and start to concentrate solely on her life. But Mary J Blige dalam tak nak tak nak nak involve romantically and emotionally dengan orang, in the end become fond of someone. Someone that ticked if not all, some essential boxes. Ni cerita 6 tahun dulu. Azman Adnan & that Feminin girl tu pun belumlah mekar berkembang macam kuih bom berbijan tu.

Mary J Blige thought she is happy although nobody think so.Mary J Blige knew from the start that nothing is compatible.It is just a pure infatuation.Convinced that it is a right thing to do, Mary J Blige decided to take things further despite her best friend Beyonce (nama tak nak kalah!!!) mild protest. There is other reasons however, Mary J Blige feel that apart from THAT reason, the feelings is pure.

Campur tolak bahagi darab, Mary J Blige have been in this relationship for 6 years and lately ni, Mary J Blige has started thinking and making sense of lots of things.Mary J Blige realised that they both wanted different things and have other intention in life. While Mary J Blige masih nak active buat concert serata donia, orang itu hanya nak dok berkepit tengok bukit bukau and laut.

Mary J Blige and orang itu moved in together. Banyak buruk dari baik nya. Mak Bapak Mary J Blige tak leh nak telepon, sebab nanti diorang tanya 'Eh siapa tu?' and kengkawan Mary J Blige yang lain macam Rihanna, Madonna, Celine Dion tak boleh nak datang tanya khabar or makan karipap. Last week, ada sorang cousin mai jauh dari USA datang nak jumpa Mary J Blige and bawak hajat penting. Orang itu cakap, boleh jumpa tapi jangan buat apa-apa commitment dengan your family.Your family now is me.Kata orang itu.Sakit hati Mary J Blige.

Sekarang ni, benda yang kecik-kecik yang before this boleh dibuat taktahu aje dah mula nak menyakitkan hati Mary J Blige ditahap maksima.Mary J Blige rasa macam dah fed up tapi bila Mary J Blige pikir-pikir balik, Mary J Blige rasa kesian.But people say, don't build your feelings base on that.

Apakah yang patut Mary J Blige buat?

I Tell You What I Want, What I Really,Really Want

It's my birthday today. I want to take a day off work and I will, soon. I shall leave the opis by 11am and dissapear terus tomorrow. But I have a very important meeting on Wednesday and I need to get my report ready.Definitely I will be working from home today. So kesimpulannya, memang takde makna lah nak ambik chotti pun hari ni...

Thank you for all the wishes, jauh dekat...dalam shout box, dalam mobile phone and dalam blog. Me getting older only bothers my father (and maybe, mother too) At this age, I should have laki and anak. What can I say, Raja Nazrin picked that Wan Zaleha like for a wife...the kaya, mostly good looking and macho man are taken however still available if I am willing to play their 'kayu' game. Tak kuasa kan? BTW, kesian kan, Wan Zaleha dicopet begituk skalik!!!!

Normally on my birthday, the birthday wish that I await the most is from my father. There's a story behind it. My father remember all his children date of birth. Nasib baik anak tak 20 orang kan...he knows whose born in January to December. He is very good with that thing. He diarised it. However, he has the habit of mixing the dates. Couple of years ago, he called one of my sisters on this date, wishing her 'Happy Birthday'. Her certainly got the date right but unfortunately, wrong child. He called my brother on my mom's birthday. Being his docile children, we never pointed out this mistakes to him....respect punya pasal, plus my father doen not take critisism from his own child gracefully.Respect, respect pun we sure mengumpat about him when we meet up and bergelak-gelakan HA HA HA!!!!

I honestly thought that by now, my parents sure is tired with worry. Sudah-sudah la...if I may say.But who can blame them? I think, to put my parents mind at rest,I need to tell them worried sick parents that it is a blessing that anak dia nan sorang ni tak beranak and tak berlaki until now. By not having any of those....

Maka tak kan adalah anak-anak or laki terbiar tak dibagi makan....I don't feed myself well, constipated even all motion inside my usus besar dah calcified into stone. Let it be me who suffer.

Maka tak kan adalah anak-anak yang lebam pipinya ditampar oleh mak yang takde perikemanusiaan. Ingat...kalau mak nak tidur, mak misti tidur. Mak tak kuasa nak menjaga anak-anak yang tak reti tidur malam pastu menangis sorang diri dalam baby cot mintak didukung. Pigi dah!!! (Kejam kan?)

Maka tak kan adalah laki yang akan bercakap dengan dinding or worse still, didn't realise yang dia tu berbini, because ada bini pun macam takde.

After all this years, I am not anywhere near a marriage material.I wish I can tell my relatives a.k.a. agency cari jodoh tak bergaji that.

The only thing that bothers me after reaching this age is that, I still find it difficult to compromise. I'm too set in my own ways that nothing can make me see otherwise unless I'm willing to.

My partner bought me a marvellous gift, enough to make me menangis terharu. Tapi, sik da lah kamek nak ghun-ghun serabak kedak mati laki ya..nak Lizs, Stephen? I have been trying all sort to get it and tak dapat-dapat.What F did was to ask me to clear my diary on the 8th and make sure that I'm not working after 5pm.We were not talking at that time (macam celaka, lepas Xmas gaduh besar!!!) I said the most horrible thing after we argue...'Fu*k off my life for good'. Boleh kau?

When I was given the present last Saturday, I feel so terharu (but still takdelah nak keluar ayaq mata ke hapa) Someone actually notice my plight and dalam diam-diam, made arangement to get something that I'm certain,cost a bomb.

What I really,really want is to be a nicer person and a loving partner. Life together can be tricky especially for someone who is not use to all this 'togetherness'.Wish me luck.

***Tapi kan, orang ittew boleh warning I siap-siap, katanya kalau I buat perangai macam budak 9 tahun kat O2 Arena tu, dia akan tarik I balik rumah serta-merta!!! Macam mana hati ku tak sakit?***

On My Tod

36 year old man. Divorced. Emotionally dead. Once upon a time, he was a lawyer in the City. 3 years ago, he was diagnosed with Bipolar MD. He had a breakdown and gave up work. He is now on the 'system' and on the mend.

Different from my usual users, he is conscious. Because of that, he is in denial. Ataupun bahasa kasarnya, tak nak mengaku dia sakit. I have been reading his case for 2 months before agreeing with my supervisor to take him on my list. I was anxious, because before all this, he is a lawyer. I am not an expert but being a law student once (and tak pass!!!) I have a substantial idea of what they are like.

They're passionate, they're defensive and they're not easily likeable but like pasta, once softened, they will go with anything.Curry sauce, bolognese...just name it.Even with just plain mayonnaise.But please if I may defend their character, it is not them...it is the job. The job requirement made them who they are.But believe me, although hardened, my lawyer friends, are mostly sensitive soul.Like this man.

7, 8 years ago, I started to feel that is something not right in me. I don't know what it is. I don't know what I want and why I do things. I hold several jobs, I go home and do all the mundane thing. There is nothing distinctive about it. I realised that I don't know myself at all.7,8 years ago, I don't think my soul exists.

The only thing that I remember in my past is the man that broke my heart.

I am not sure what I am trying to tell here. What is the similarity between this man and me. His attitude triggered something I certainly wish had never existed in me.

My supervisor said that it is culture. We believe in things that we somewhat realised is not true. But we just never challenged it. This still doesn't make sense.

When we got angry,we often think that others are all set to emotionally persecute us. We hated it when people disagree and did not empathy.Because we believe we got a good reason to get angry.

This man refused to admit that he is angry at himself. I must try to tell him that in order to see sense of our trouble, we must first understand what the trouble is. And the trouble is, he is so defensive.

We often read about people who hated their parents, simply because of some mistakes. We also read about politician or wannabe politician who hates the guts of the others who see things differently from them. And this is the same people who wants things to be better. How can it be better when emotionally, you feel attacked?

That is how I was (maybe still am) and that is why, it is hard to be happy.Because when you are, you will find a way to make yourself unhappy again.By choice.

Still doesn't make sense. I guess, what I am trying to say is that, if we are unhappy, it is because we allow ourselves to be. Like, marah kat laki tak nak beli roti canai pastu ugut nak jadi lesbian kan? There's always a choice of, beli aje lah sendiri or mintak belas kasihan kat kawan-kawan or, jangan makan sangat roti canai, nanti naik kolestrol.Bila debab, siapa yang susah hati? Kau jugak kan?

The Road Less Travelled

I was so engrossed on work, I forgot that London Transport operates on Sunday Service time on New Years day. That mean bus,tube and train will run like sejam satu. Believe me, you do not want to wait at the bust stop/platform that long in this weather.So I decided to sleep in the opis.

What the hell was I working on New Years day? My work problems doesn't identify bank holidays. In fact, work problems balloned up during holidays. One can decide to kill oneself on Xmas Day, New Years Eve and New Years Day. Any moment can be a distressing one, which ever way the wind blows.

For someone who can be very much affected emotionally, I can only function when my mood is okay.Mood affect work.Work affect people. I have to be extra careful.Like this one.

Someone rang to wish me Happy New Year late last night, all the way from KL. She also told me that she decided to leave her husband. She just can't find it in her heart to love him anymore.

This friend of mine, we go back a long way. From boarding school. We were not that close at school but we happened to study in the same university in the UK. But still not close. Well, knowing me, I can't get close to anyone because I just don't know how to. Friendship need commitment. You need to call, write, visit and what ever necessary to show them that you exist and make them feel that they exist. I do this once in the blue moon and by the time the next blue moon approaches, my friend probably forgotten who am I.

This friend of mine will email me every 3 months just to check out how I get on in a very unintrusive manner. We got on well, electronically.

Last year she discovered that her husband main kayu 3 behind her back. With his secretary. She wrote about how she wasn't shock of the discovery because her intuition as a wife are so strong that she feels husband mind are elsewhere most of the times. She were just waiting for him to come clean. He didn't. He keep up the act for about a year until nature runs it course. Rahsia terbukak depan mata.

Being a woman, she worried about her kids and her family reaction. She kept this quiet. Husband said sorry and of course, the jantan, like any other middle class man with plenty to lose if this goes out of hand, decided to discontinue his 'mid life crisis' fuelled affair. Like any other man, he react like nothing happened.

I never offered her comforting words during her turmoil. I don't feel that she needed it. I keep telling her to look after herself and to do what she think best for her and her kids.

We never talk about her problems after that. She shut herself off from the outside world. I noticed this and tell her to take her time to grieve properly. Why grieving? For the lost of trust and maybe love, I told her.

She rang me. Holding back tears, she said that she will tell him that she is leaving him. She's done the grieving and need to move on.

My first word of comfort is 'be strong'. She cried when I said that. Because she was crying a lot, I asked her to ring me when she ready to talk (if she needs to talk) I somehow know that she is worried about the kids.

After 24 hours, she still didn't call. I decided to email.

You can't plan for all this to happen. It takes courage to decide what you just decided. If it feels right, just follow your heart. What ever the consequences will be is something that you need to look forward to. You have to trust your judgement and learn to live with it. It might not be nice but it is something that will make you stronger and possibly, happier than you are now.

My thoughts are with you.

(And kepada jantan puaka laki kau yang tak sedar dek untung tu, biarlah dia menangis menjilat lantai...padan muka nya!!! Make sure you take him down to the cleaners)


****This was written on the 2nd of January. My other work commitments made it impossible for me to finish it on time. But what the heck.****

New 'Book Face' Year

Happy New Year you all....just to let you know that I'm in the opis. I am very excited inverted coma for my days ahead. I'll be seeing my pesakit mental, well, I actually see them everyday, but, I'll be seeing them resuming our usual boring 40 minutes chat this Friday.

Apart from getting a year older, I'm quite excited about the possibility of getting Elizabeth Regina II travel document, kalaulah application ku diperkenankan. Bukannya apa, senang nak berjalan and luaslah opportunity.But, I'm still happy with my little red riding book that I paid $300 for yang banyak berjasa, walaupun kadangkala menimbulkan syak wasangka bila ku tiba di Immigration Control, dimana jua.

I thought about berhenti mengumpat...but refraining yourself from that kind of oral gratification, macam smoking, memerlukan will power.I don't have will power.The picture of gunting cutting the tongue into half still doesn't deter me. If that didn't work, what will? Kalau orang tak suka, I can always switch to private blog, mengumpat untuk kepuasan diri sendiri. But private or public, I mengumpat pun untuk kepuasan diri sendiri juga. So, kita tidak berhak untuk menyekat kepuasan diri sendiri kan?

Late last year (2007) my friend emailed me the invitation to join 'Facebook'. I heard about Facebook for a while but sombongbongkak people like me, can't see any way can I benefit from it. But siPolan kawanku ini, 'Eh..masuk la..I nak tunjuk you gambar baby I'...dua tiga ratus kali pujuk, and I pun, okaylah..aku create lah account.From there, barulah ku tahu apa benda Facebook ni and what it actually do.

I become excited. I look for names that I can possibly think of....and within 3 days, I am now in touch with kawan sekolah rendah la...kawan sekolah menengah la....sedara la....scandal la....(ko punya pasal la ni Elviza)

The discovery of the 2 or maybe more, cukup membuatkan diriku ini berak batu. This sedara of mine....we grew up next to each other big chunk of the time, but because her family tak yah travel for work, they stayed at the same place. When we were little, we only met during raya or kenduri.She, being the youngest in her family are blessed with mulut PokPek yang juga capable untuk mengeluarkan kata-kata puaka. They are so kaya they traveled overseas every school holidays. Most of my cousins did...because their parents are well off than mine. My father is only askar. My father always said, nevermind, they can go holidays overseas, you study hard one day, you will live abroad. Masin mulut bapak ku. I flew to UK and my sister went to Arizona. Holiday bertahun ditaja dek MARA and JPA.

We are not that close,because of her family wealth and my father's resistant to mingle with orang kaya bisness berjuta. My father's excuse of not being a wealthy businessmans like his ipar duai is that he always said, kita duit tak banyak..tapi kita pandai sekolah..bla..bla..bla... (did I not tell you my father studied in MCKK?) But I do know that dalam ketidak ke'close'an kami ni, si orang itu masih active menanya apa activity harian ku. Ala..ala tak ndak kalah githoo....but still, I know there are no genuine interest nak bertanya khabar relatively speaking. Just nak tahu org tu buat apa...oh..ye ke...things like that.

But since I become a jetseter, Singapore today, Jakarta tomorrow, Melbourne the next day and tooopppp!!! London, barulah genuine-genuine interest like 'mintak la alamat and phone number' muncul. Dulu takde pulak nak tahu kan?

As long as I can remember, I become the mysterious member of the family, and I want to keep it that way. Is a bit too late to play close cousin kan sekarang? Plus, I really hate it when the family asked 'Ekau dah belaki ko?' 'Ekau ni memilih la..kito orang pempuan ni tak buleh nak ati bosa do...kek dapo gak poei eh'. And this came from someone who well traveled, open minded (kununnya) dan bertiltle 'Datin'. Cam hampeh aje.

Another Facebook story, this guy...yang suatu ketika dahulu perasan dirinya jejaka idaman Malaya. We were once close friend. Rajin Pakcik ni drive from Bukit Gasing to pick me up for late supper la, clubbing la. Takdenya romantic pun because I know that he is head over heal with someone massively pretty than me.I'm just the plain jane.Akulah selalu diteleponnya bila dia boring.

One day, we went to some Magazine launch tah apa benda aku tak ingat...and I fell ill. He was so concerned that dia boleh detour ni lalu kat Bukit D'sara nun, singggah 7-11, beli air badak untuk I. Heaven on earth sungguh, where else can you find a man, genuinely care for his female friend like that without any babi disebalik kueh tiaw. But I was wrong.So, so wrong.

Suffice say, dalam demam-demam, I was strong enough to not membiarkan my kelapa ditebuk tupai. Honestly I can't remember what happened but I recalled saying thanks and walk him to my front door. The next day, bila dah baik sikit, I realised what he was trying to do.No Kiah, he did not force himself but I think he just want to help himself dikala aku tak berdaya tu.

I am so confident that he malu besar pastu and he stop being very friendly. From other friends I heard that he reckoned that I was up to it. Maybe, dalam kekuciwaanku dengan my siamang masa tu, aku macam pompuan sundal aje ikut mana orang ajak pergi, he thought I was giving him signals. Puas aku dileter that kawanku, jangan free sangat nak layan-layan orang ni, nanti orang ingat you pompuan murahan lak....(ahhh..biarlah org kata apa org nak kata)

But, was it my fault though? takpelah..cerita lama.

So this is New Year. I really think I should get myself an address book. Ni tak, bila nak hantar barang aje, puaslah telepon sana-sini mintak address.So, to those yang ada email address I, sila hantar alamat surat menyurat dan nombor telipun dgn segera. I need to fill in my new address book.

New Year's Edge

This is my 360th post. For someone who write crap stuff, dah le tak de makna dan juga membanyak kan dosa sesiapa yang membaca, 360 post in space of 17 months kiranya boleh la I apply jadik stringer Sun Newspaper...yang berita-berita nya semua mengarut tu, but still, semua orang suka baca The Sun...sebabnya bila bukak aje page 3, maka melambak keluar buah susu yang kebanyakannya hanya plastik yang dipam-pam.

Sebagai wanita yang gigih (plus memang banyak kerja) I will be welcoming the new year from my opis...dikelilingi fail-fail, ubat-ubatan dan cekelat hadiah hari Xmas. Here I am feeling so blessed that I am away from the New Year crowd yang sebelum pergi party lagi dah setengah mabuk.I have JT and Kak katak TKC texting me (puaka tau Miss Nigeria, dipergi baginya nomor talipun ku kat Kak Katak itu...haruslah aku tukar ringing tone nya kepada Crazy Frog kan?) dengan ucapan-ucapan brengsek 'Your New Year is cooler than ours, you'll be drowned in Central London craziness' and 'Selamat Tahun Baru...Misti you celebrate gila dengan kawan-kawan u, tak apalah..asalkan my sayang is wif me..I'm the happiest woman'. What can I say...sukati kau lah. Ye lah, orang ada laki, flaunt lah kan..besok kalau dah tak berlaki barulah merasa dok diam-diam macam I ni.Nak marah kang, dikata dek orang I ni jealous. Alaaa...Makji tu bukan apa...jealous pasal dia takde laki. Ye la...apa aje lah.

Kak Katak visited me at my work place today. She have been leaving messages since last week, nak jumpa I. Miss Nigeria sums up that she actually wanted to see me as she keep on politely refusing Miss Nigeria's help. Okay lah...MB1 pesan kat I, you janganlah sesombong sangat dengan orang. Because the office is free with all the in patient semuanya dah gi balik ber Xmas & ber New Year, I asked her to come and see me today. Macam biasa, she asks questions and aku macam budak MRSM yang pintar, jawab la memana yang patut.

After a while, I feel like we are in a session where she talk and I listen. Her soalan become so panjang and unended. It is become clear that that she is projecting her frustration with her work, with her employer and what do you know, her life. Very interesting. I have to tell her that it is good that I listen because there is nothing to answer and suddenly Kak Katak become the real Katak...yakni bongkak and jobo (for you who don't know, JoBo is a word originated from N9 meaning kekwat)

Katak tu macam marah la konon nya, bila I told her, I feel that it is difficult for you to understand what you're doing now because your heart are not in it. She answered..dengar ni..'Of course I'm bloody interested, I'm doing the PHD'. Terperanjat Makji dengar word 'bloody' tu, very English manners kan?

You can still do something, without being whole hearted

Like what exactly?

Working, being married, being a mother

Just because I don't look after my child doesn't mean that I'm halfhearted mother (apsal yek, dia terasa?)

Why do you think that? I am only stating an example of doing things not wholeheartedly

And what made you think that people are not committed being a mother?

Because no one can. We tend to yearn after something else when we put our mind into one thing

You don't know for sure, no offend but you're not a mother yet, you can't know how mother feel (yelah..ni jelah yang aku dapat bila cakap bab-bab baby ni...ko tak paham nyah..ko takde anak..ceh!!)

Are we now talking about you and your role as a mother?

Katak diam. I pun diam. But I look straight into her eyes. My good god, why on earth are she being so defensive.

Macam ni lah...I don't know what you're going through but I do know, it is hard and for that, maybe,you're unconsciously unhappy

I am no where near emotional breakdown

I tak cakap you ada breakdown, I'm suggesting that you're quite unhappy and maybe you didn't realise

You like analysing people do you? (motip ko tukar tajuk Kak oii?)

You mean my work? I don't analyse people just people...people you see in here are emotionally damaged. We are paid to protect them and by that,I sometimes analysed behaviour because that is what I do and I do that for a reason, to safeguard their sanity. I'm sorry you feel that way.You feel that I'm intruding your emotional privacy. But you must know that emotional privacy can only be intrude if you allow it to be intruded.

Contoh? (hek eleh..nak contoh-contoh lak....)

When someone is unhappy, when he or she is emotionally unguarded, without them knowing will inadvertantly reacting the unusual way not normal to others.Ala..macam orang kalau hari-hari pok pek..tetiba satu hari diam macam batu, tak ke terperanjat orang sekeliling?

Am I over reacting? (apa!!!! awak kata saya over acting??? ala-ala Ogy kan)

I don't know. Do you think you're over reacting?

Maybe a little bit today. I ni penyabar orang nya (ye la nyehhh)

It is good that you react like that because you are aware that you're uncomfortable.

What do you mean?

I mean what I said.

I tak paham.

Well, you will. Have a thought. This is normal. We will react when it strike us unhappy or happy even. What you can't do is to deny how you feel.

I hate to say this, but you're wrong. There's nothing uncomfortable in my life at the moment.

Good for you.

*** Nothing uncomfortable ye? Yang tetiba panas tu...tetiba kata I critisise her as her mother too apa ke benda nya?****

Disebabkan I dapat banyak cekelat Xmas present (macam celaka kan aku, recycle hadiah kiranya) I bagilah Kak Katak ni sekotak celebration cekelat tu. I accompany her to Twickenham Station and tiba-tiba, Kak Katak said...'You tak put off kan hari ni? Can we still work together?

I don't know.

Happy New Year

Lari

'Saya amat menyesal menjadi Marina Chin dan menurut kata p*ki'

Ada budak umur 18 years old from Sarawak, lari dari rumah, nak ikut boifren katanya. Tup tup..hah, stranded kena jugak balik kepangkuan jalan. Ini lah bahana nya kalau berpikir ikut hati and ikut p*ki. Hamboii aku, kalau nak kutuk, tak sedar diri ni kenkadang pun berpikir ikut halatuju karipap jugak.

Bebudak muda sekarang ni tak macam kita (siapakah kita) dedolu. I for one, jangan kata nak lari ikut boifren (nak lari menda boifren pun jauh dimata masa tu) nak buat apa pun takut. If I can remember, idea nak lari dari rumah developed masa umur between 8 to 13 macam tu. Kena tegur sikit, nak lari. Kena cubit, nak lari. Tak dapat permission nak ikut kelas buat lawatan kesana kemari pun nak lari juga. Pendek kata, kalau hajat tak sampai aje nak lari...sedih kan?

But I think, being a Capricorn hence very practical, all intention perlu disertakan dengan plan-plan perdana like, kalau nak lari dari rumah

a) nak pergi mana ?
b) kalau lapar nak makan apa?
c) tau ke jalan kalau nak lari pun?
d) buatnya keluar aje pintu pagar, datang anjing garang, nak buat apa?

During my days as budak kecik, idea-idea mengarut nak lari dari rumah ni selalunya disokong kuat oleh cerita-cerita omputih or Indonesia yang mana, budak kecik yang lari will end up dikutip oleh orang kaya and kita akan dilayan oleh parents who never heard the existence of rotan lilin or rotan bulu ayam togel and cannot function their hands into giving penampar or cubitan semut api sakti yang membirukan kulit.

The reality is, orang kaya are far too busy working or bershopping to pick up runaway kids or they kids probably run away too. It is always anak orang kaya lari pada rumah because they are short of perhatian and anak orang tak berapa kaya macam I ni lari rumah sebab banyak benau perhatian from mak bapak.Mind you, the servant also play a big part spying for my parents...eg. mandi pukul berapa, dia dah buat homework ke belum...apa? dia sakat adik!!!! You'll be surprise to know macam manalah your parents boleh tau all this information bila they all tu at work, ni mustilah kerja perisik upahan kan? Celaka perisik upahan itu.

Plus you'll be thinking, anak orang kaya memanglah bangang...at that age, who need perhatian? We just need freedom to main basikal sampai maghrib without fear of kena kunci luar rumah kan? Ish..perhatian konon...

According to my mother, my little niece (she is now 9 years old) pernah membuat plan nak lari dari rumah (like mother, like daughter...mak dia pun pernah lari dari rumah tau..tapi setakat sampai kat kedai aje) Puncanya, she and her cousin brother (my nephew) bergaduh berebut the leap frog toys I bought for them (aku pun satu, cheap skate ya amat, beli satu suruh share main berdua) dalam bergaduhan tu their nenek a.k.a. my mother, terpaksa bagi that machine to the little boy, pasalnya sijantan tu kalau menangis satu kampung boleh bangun (also like his mother) maka si Kakak merajuk lah. Dalam merajuk tu, my mother saw her packing her school bag, siap packing pencil box, kaler pencil and air kotak ribena.(Motif tak bungkus baju?) My mother tanyalah, 'Kakak nak pergi mana?' Kakak cakap, nak lari. She told my mother her plan...that she will walk to the bus stop, naik bas and the bus will take her to my father's house in TTDI. (gigih tu, nak naik bus from Paroi Jaya ke KL nun) From there, she will ask her atuk to call her Ibu to pick her up.She also said that she packed her pencil case and colour set supaya si jantan tu takleh curik masa dia takde rumah.Tengok tu, dalam busy nak lari dari rumah, harus menten konsep kedekut tak nak share barang!!

My mother tanya lagi...'Kakak ada duit tak, nak naik bus kena ada duit'. She answered 'nanti atuk bayar'. My mother told us that she is so determine to run away, my mother had to call the police. Kakak changed her mind after being sweet talk by the police.

The policeman my mother contacted, according to my niece, telah menjanjikan macam-macam hadiah.Pasal tu tak jadi lari.Yang kena marah is her Mak Ngah in Twickenham. 'Lain kali kalau kau nak beli permainan untuk budak-budak ni, beli dua.Jangan beli satu, puas lah bebudak ni dek bergaduh'.

Macam mana tu, orang lain yang nak lari dari rumah, orang lain yang kena marah?



***Policeman is my eldest brother, kena suruh menyamar oleh my mother****

Tragedy 27th December

27th December.....many years ago, my 'Uwan' passed away. In a car. Ni cerita betul ni.Not in an accident or anything horrid/tragic.Just sakit jantung, but tragic la jugak...for my auntie and my young cousins who travelled together.I was 18 or 19 (maybe 18 because I've already in the UK when I'm 19) dengan tak cukup tido nya (pasal kami gi melompat katak kat Sheila Majid Ikhlas Concert at Stadium Negara...merasa sangat kan? Puas kitorang melompat katak tak hengat rumahtangga pastu alih-alih, duduk bersimpuh membaca yassin...contra sangat)

And today, masa aku berpoya-poya di Oriental City having my proper Xmas dinner dengan geng-geng sejati, my partner called to tell me that Benazir was assassinated.Sungguh la tragic nya...tak sempat pulak nak pose-pose muka serious Amitabh Bachan (kan BM?) sebab the moment Meehon Goreng and my teh tarik sampai, I terus melantak dengan lahapnya.This is when people said, yang mati biar mati and yang hidup, kena teruskan makan Meehon.Tak gitu?

I nak kesian lebih-lebih pun, I tak kenal dia.My mind can't help to wonder, she was okay living in exile tapi kerna dek passionate sangat dengan politikus/polikucing kat Pekistan nun, dah tau ramai yang akan berpanas bontot tak senang berak bila dia dah start mengempen nak jadik PM balik,Benazir went ahead out of the sun roof and tupppp!!! For her to last this long sungguhlah impressive nya, considering semuanya since era-era Nehru-Jinnah-Gandhi semuanya kalau tak mati meletup,mesti mati kena tembak.

Of course many will say, this people that people will die for the country but doing what exactly? I would normally have pity for those who had their hand dirty and later died, literally for the nation and the country. Macam abang-abang askar kan? Bawak senapang berat-berat...kalau mati pun, kerana bangsa dan negara gitu.Sebab memang betul-betul pun mati kerana negara...

We have one who despise the West and the Jews, recruit the poor young soul, equipped them with bomb and what have you...tapi si dia nya, duduk menyorok dalam gua without having to dodge bullet.Nampak gaya macam takut mati aje tapi berkobar-kobar nak wage war dengan kaffir gitu.Orang lain mati tak apa kan, Mr Bin Liner?

While we thought semua orang dah maju, masih ada yang nak jadik suicide bomber.Obviously setelah dijanji manis oleh tah sesapa pengecut, bunuh lah pompuan tu, pompuan tak leh jadik pemimpin so on so on.What do the suicide bombers get? Are we that stupid to take on all that human promises ?

We never know who are these suicide bombers. Siapa nama, mana rumah we will never know and I bet family pun tak nak ngaku. People like Abdul Rahman Limbung or Tok Janggut carved a story in the history book but suicide bomber will stay to pieces with all the debris together with the empty promises.

Why can't we be passionate about stuff while not be non-threatening to others? Or if they hated the politician so much, can't they do Lee Harvey Oswald, shoot and go one man show without subjecting other unsuspecting civillian yang tak berdosa to mati free bersama-sama?