Adakah Kau Merasa Jeles....

Adalahhh kawan I sorang ni....well, we were quite close when we were younger but biasalah jaman-jaman tu, boipren always come between two good female BFF. I was really taken aback by the whole situation last time..I was at their receiving ends. To cut the story short, I dissapear from their circles. Even her closest friends and family thought I was jealous that she and her then boipren got together.

Maybe I was too protective. But ini cerita sangat lama. When we got together recently, it seems like we both knew that this subject must never come up again. She is married to a different guy now. And I am still what I am...hehehehe.

To her, I never changed. Still caring like before (muntahhhh lah Kiah...) Well, at the risk of you all nak kata I tiup belon I sendiri, I ni memang penyayang orang nya. Tak caya...tanyalah kawan-kawan ketat saya.

We become quite close again. No boipren or anybody that is coming between us now, except for anak-anak dia yang akan buat tunjuk perasaan everytime me and their mummy started skyping.Speaking about coming between us..literally and physically.

This friend of mine, dari muda sampai la ni tak habis-habis dengan masalah dalaman. Well, susah betul kan jadi orang lawa-lawa ni...kalau tak masalah boipren, masalah dengan orang keliling. Hidup senantiasa bermasalah...and that explains all her dramatic FB statuses.

What people write in their FB status, really is their prerogative...but kadang-kadang keserabutan kepala orang yang diexpress kan dalam bentuk-bentuk ayat bertulis adakalanya mengundang rasa menyampah yang terlampau. Gaduh dengan laki...terus rasa nak lari dari rumah..tup tup jadi FB status. Kalau sepuluh kali dalam seminggu ko rasa nak lari dari rumah, tak ke menyampah orang lain yang membaca nya tu ?

I am not going to judge her from what she wrote but lately ni I realised that her hysterical status is actually to fish my attention. Dah 3,4 kali jugak dia buat camtu. Then bila I rasa lain macam, thanks to Blackberry and its free messenger service, maka we both traded news. Of course la her news rather than mine.

Semalam dia nak lari...so we chat for over an hour dalam BBM, calmed her down and I told her to go to bed. Everytime dia ada masalah besar dengan lakinya, she will send me message and bila ku tak jawab msg dia..mulalah dia start buat status meghoyan kat FB sampai risau pulak I dengan dia.

The tables are turning now, and I think she secretly 'jealous' of me and MC. Ada sajaaa plan nak bawak I keluar, and the plan tak involve MC.

And tadi, selepas ku berjaya menolong dia menyabarkan diri...boleh pulak dia buat remark...you ni balik selalu, gewe mu tu takdok ko nak buat lawatan balas??? Macam tak committed aje aku tengok. Ke mu bertepuk sebelah tangan???

Terasa I you.....

Yes, We Should Talk

Hari ni I terasa sangat macam Kak Nam yang telah memberi training free kat Kiah menderhaka kat lakinya. I dok terpikir..they already have two kids, and Kiah pulak bukannya type ibu mithali dan most time mengharap laki...buatnya tetiba laki nya kata..okaylah..I pun had enough..tak ke I menjadi penyebab Kiah naik turun mahkamah syariah???

But, I am a strong believer of 'kalau niat kita betul, terpulanglah orang nak ambik/terima macam mana'.

Hidup dinegara orang juga telah mengexpose kan I kepada budaya perkahwinan orang juga. Ada yang boleh ikut, ada yang...kalau nak ikut, tu you kena tanggung sendiri lah ye.

Masa I kawan dengan orang Melayu...dengan dia I banyak simpan dalam hati. Tu belum jadik laki lagi tu...agaknya, kalau sempat lah jadi laki..mau I akan menyimpan hati sampai boleh mati dan membuat dosa mengumpat dia dalam blog or dengan kawan-kawan.

Then I bila I dengan omputih tu, tak habis-habis pulak dia suruh I bercakap.It is so not easy to open up, especially around the topic we ourselves not comfortable talking about.What we realised is that bercakap pasal ketidak puasan hati kita terhadap orang adalah amat mudah dibelakang orang itu. Didepan mereka? Often we say, kita tak nak mengecikkan hati orang...but honestly, hati siapakah sebenarnya yang kita tak nak kecik kan?

My life with F was completely separate from each other when we are still together. I do my own thing.Sometimes, I ikut lah dia jumpa family nya, but I was always given a choice to and not to. F demand for togetherness often suffocates me. In a way, its good because its healthy that couple do most things together. Of course I got confronted a lot, ada yang terkena batang hidung juga...but lesson learnt is that, when we talk, it is about us.

In our almost 10 years together, I never confronted F. We are talking me planning apa benda nak ku bambu dia habis-habisan.Tak pernah. Kalau ada pun, its all came out during ocassional bicker yang melarat-larat sampai hal 14 tahun lepas pun keluar.Not healthy..pasalnya..kalau kita dok pendam, orang yang buat salah tu akan gunakan alasan dia tak hengat. Familar tak Kiah..and bila dah terlampau lama, mudah betul dia buat alasan untuk get out of that situation.

Dengan orang ni...I mean in general, baik laki,bini bf and gf...janganlah harap mereka tu nak berubah mengikut apa yang you nak..unless they were given ultimatum. If we are with someone who doesn't care (much) about us...confronting them hoping and expecting them to care a little bit more can be futile. You could be hoping in vain...

The only thing that you can achieve by talking is that the other party understands you and you will get confirmation on whatever kemusykilan yang you ada.Usually in relationship, we assume things. Ohh..nanti laki I marah..ohh nanti bini I bising. When you say, laki you marah..sudahkah you bertanya or beritahu dia apa yang dalam hati and kepala you?

My mother probably have plenty tak puas hati dengan my father. I don't know if she ever said it to him. It was such an unfair balance that sadly mother had to put up with. We have to be prepared that not many of us like to be ambushed, especially dengan bullet bullet yang akan menikam kalbu. But..kalau kita tak cakap...mana dia nak tahu apa yang ada dalam hati kita?

If I want write about yang gunung merapi pendam dengan my parents, sure cerita ni tak kan habisnya..but thinking about it, we have never really sit and talk about it. They probably assumed that I am okay thus get on with it and I never really told them how I feel.

But, if I can give this advice to Kiah...lenkali janganlah tunggu sampai darah dah panas. Things are better said when you are calm..and if you have to cry, you know that you have said your peace without missing out any crucial points.

Since we are in this 'talking' subject..I think I should talk to you again about the CFC Plan (Care For Community) Plan. I realised that this was presented to you as my dream. My dream is to see this happen. And to materialised that, I need your help.

I don't want to start asking for donation. Donation is will suit the charity purpose. This is a business plan that unlike any other business, this will see no profit making. Items listed on your top right is for sale. Those might be the things that you don't need. But how many times we purchased things that we actually need? They are not costly. They're less that $50.00. I want to ask all of you to consider buying it and think about what the proceed would to the disabled. Please get your friends to buy it too. I am not sure if I have a reader from USA...but the websites are US based. Please help me to promote those links. We (there's 4 of us) are doing the FB write ups for this. Our contribution is our expertise and yours will be the fuel of the engine.

Please help. In the next 8 months, I will be actively promoting this. Help to spread the word. WE are all very generous soul.

Love Me, Love My Face

For those who is about read this and lives around me, I am not writing about the documentary telly program pasal that guy yang ada genetic condition tu. But the life story of that man who spent all his adult life trying to get people to like him with face only a mother could love (but in his case, mak pak dia pun put him for adoption after 36 hours after he's been born...macam lahanat makpak dia tu, because they couldn't cope with his deformity)

Not many of us are born 'interesting' enough to be instantly liked by others. Err...may sound unfair to some but that will depend on how you understand it. True, beauty is on the eyes of the beholder, but the beholder also need good feedback and confirmation that they're actually beautiful. Ye la...kang kalau sendiri kata sendiri chantekk, orang kata syiok sendiri pulak kannn???? There is some of us are badly affected by this i.e. no acceptance, no confirmation that they're good looking enough to be admired and often wonder why aren't people generous with nice thoughts and acceptance.

I grew up not having many admirers, be it secretly or openly. Well, kalaulah ada pun, sipeminat I tu tak bagitahu I. Having seen people around me getting letters expressing interests and admiration to them, kenkadang buat hati ni tertanya jugak..eh, tak chantekkk ke aku ni takde yang minat? To menyedapkan hati boleh lah kata, alaa...kita sekolah Convent, manalah ada jantan dalam sekolah ni selain cikgu and pakcik tukang kebun tu. But your classmate pun dapat surat chenta, surat a.k.a. application forms from junior/senior nak buat hadek/kakak hangkat from sesama fomfuens jugak. Tapi kita? Jangan kata nak buat awek, nak jadik kakak/adik hangkat pun takde yang minat....then we started thinking horrible thoughts, kalau sesama pompuan pun tak rasa kita cantik, apatah lagi jantan-jantan kannn???

When I was at that school near jalan keretapi, rata-rata classmate I semua ada boipren. Some even ada 2 or 3 admirers in one go. I met my ex pun kat pekan Arau tu...but we were not boipren gilpren back then. He was too cool..maybe because he was lot older than I am, so he is not like those 16 or 17 year old boys yang terlebih testosterone. Sometime I do wonder if he has it...sebabnya, dia tak pernah mengambil kesempatan atas diri I yang memang menunggu dia mengambil kesempatan...eh gedik nya aku!

I can't remember exactly how does all that (takde orang minat) affecting me as a teenager. But I can recall getting desperate to just accept any budak hingusan yang tak hensem if they happen to express interest. I think it was all about menunjuk and confirmation to self yang kita ni not so bad looking.

But I do realised that, it is hard for me now to welcome any interest just like that. In fact, I even questioned them why...why me? Dulu masa sekolah tak pandang..sekarang kenapa tetiba lak minat? Dulu I tak chantekkk ke? I even have guys from school yang dulu tegur I pun tak nak now dah openly cakap kat FB yang dia nak masuk pinang I. Albeit cakap memain pun...dah berbini, dah botak and dah boroi baru nampak kat I kannn?

When I was with F dan menengok ex gilprenya yang lawa-lawa, made me wonder...apalah yang dia nampak kat I. Bila I tanya dia...dia akan cakap..why does it matter? (well, it matters to me..pasal tu lah aku tanya, ngok!) But F always complimented how I look, too bad jodoh dengan dia tak panjang but that really made me feel so good about myself.

With MC, if I am honest...my low self esteem doesn't help. Apart from dia never compliment or tell me how good I look. One will say, why does this bother you..you're together now, that's is it. I tanya dia recently, I wonder what you love about me...and dia cakap..ohh..you're loving, caring, kind and generous. Idok la dia nak cakap..aku ni cute ke apa...iskkk.

As much as this may sound shallow, I do think that it is important that we know that one of the factor why we are with the person we with is because how good we look to them. WE want to be this 3 in 1 person who he/she fell in love with. IF we are kind and caring, is that enough to warrant the longevity of interest? Does kindness turn you on? Will you be sexually attracted to someone just because they're caring? Jaga kat guardhouse rumah kita pun caring gak..tapi adakah itu jugak membuat kita nak melompat kat dia?

I do think that the title applies in all kind of relationship. IF you love me, you have to love my face. It might be easier for a woman to love a man without loving their face. But I maybe wrong.

I hope I am.

Yesterday's Conversation Yang Menyakitkan Hati...

During our makan-makan feast...(this one without Sally Mally yang tak makan banyak-tapi-komplen-perut-boncit tu) Kiah and Bella discussed the blogs they frequented, of which I knew nothing about.

I am quite selective..errr..macam bagus je bunyik nya...no, really...I don't have much time on hands to leisurely read. I read people's problem everyday. Apa dibuatnya..siapa diterajangnya...apa yang bermain dalam palahotaknya. Tu yang I baca. Trust me, it is not leisure at all. So when Kiah and Bella gelak-gelak syaitonnn discussing them blogs, aku adalah merasa amat jeles because I am so missing out on good read.

So, what sort of and who's blog do I read then? At the moment, you on my bloglists lah...tu pun you jarang hapdate (hint..hint) When I ada masa sikit, I pi click you all pulak punya blog lists. Ada yang best..ada yang so..so. So so ni bukanlah I nak cakap tak best ye..but, yes..I am so happy that you have had such a fulfilling day...but you masak apa and anak laki you suka makan apa is not something that I will kill to know...hehehe...bongkak tak? But again, that will depend on how you word it. Some writers appears too pompous to me. Dia nak bagitahu you yang dia tu macam ni..macam ni and macam ni...but it all ended up with me saying dalam hati...elehh, ko hengat ko sorang je ke yang etc, etc and etc.

Ada orang tu, masalah donia pun, masalah dia juga. Tu misti buhsan tahap syaitonnn lah tu if we have time to question every little details and reasons.Opinion remains an opinion and have to be respected, thus we shall agree to disagree.But my point is, kadang-kadang yang empunya opinion tu terlupa pulak, manusia ni ada kekurangan.Yes you can wish this...the sun the moon and the starry starry nights...but what people does is something, we sometimes do but yet, able to forgive ourselves for being temporarily stupid.

I was recently introduced to this malay guy. Pandai budak ni Kiah...pandai sekolah ajelah nampak gaya nya. He is training in this hospital I frequented to visit my case.Biasalah budak muda, darah muda dan hingus pun masih hijau githooo....

I listened to him whingheing about a to z, sampai kan filing system spital tu pun nak dikomplen nya. Part tu hampun lah lagi...ye lah, when you moan about something so practical, it shows how you deal with something so petty.Macam ada lah orang ni yang komplen waiter/waitres cafe so and so tak bagus, tak tu tak ini..tapi adakah mereka itu nak cakap dengan baik-baiknya kat mereka yang dikatakan lembab itu? People will treat you the way you want them to treat you.Kalau kau pun macam Raja Mongkut lah sombongnya...maka takutlah adik-adik waiter tu nak jadi friendly.

Selepas dia moan pasal filing system department nya yang katanya sungguh lap kaki tu, dia moan pulak pasal patient-patient yang dia jumpa.Then of course la he lectures me about masalah-masalah sosial orang kat sini..(ohh, you lecture me, ye???) yang dia tak berkenan tu.So selama dia berpok pek tu, habis one slice cake aku.

And he asked, so what do think...do you agree that this is wrong?

I cakap laa...well, there's is nothing to agree and disagree here. First look at what we are suppose to do. We are giving service, so if I were you...professionally, opinion aside. You oppose those who sponging off the government (their government) but you don't work for the treasury.I respect your opinion however, you are not dealing with machine who would likely to follow what you want them to do. These people have their own sets of opinion as well, which of course in this case, didn't matter laa...because it is non of your business.

Pastu si jantan ni Kiah, dengan mega bongkak nya..cakap kat I..and your point is....

I have no point. I am only doing my job here. I have my opinion about them but they're human. They make mistakes, like I would do on my not so best days. Education helps they way of thinking...young man...but that should not affect empathy. Just because you saw lots of druggies and drunkard, does not mean the country system is bad. These people made clear choices, of which..is not a good choices. Malaysia pun ada..teenage pregnancy or any other social issue. You nak salahkan mereka ke? For all you know, they need to make that stupid mistake to learn their lesson.

You may have what you have now, but believe me..we sometimes are no better than them. Bersyukurlah that your parents (if they do) lead you to the right path and influenced your mindset.

Then I pikir balik...nasib baik la dia dapat buat practical kerja kat UK, kalau lah dia kena suruh gi aprika yang AIDS populated tu, sure dia ni tido pun mimpi mengomplen, kan Kiah?

Tadaaa....(hmm, kau tu bila nya nak hupdate? Pi konsert ada lak masa..)

In An Open Relationship

Eh tajuk gempak kann..Kiah? Nanti misti ada orang ingat aku cakap pasal dia pulak...

First thing that come to mind mustilah bab free hop on hop off katil orang, while you're steadily have made your bed dengan partner you. Always when relationship is concerned, we think about the bedroom transaction aje. Padahal benda-benda lain pun boleh dikongsi juga...

Not many people like to kongsi. Alangkan goverment once upon a time dulu pun suruh orang kongsi kereta pun kita bolayan, apatah lagi nak berbagi laki dan bini kan, Kiah????

Men are incline to practise this, I think because they are far too arrogant to admit that little things like emotional, love or bits and pieces will affect how they function. Ye laa....tapi dalam hati sure ada menyesal punya, tapi tak nak ngaku. Yelah, bila bini 2,3 pastu menyusahkan badan...satu negara gaduh, bila mati berebut siapa yang punya, tak ke menyesal kawin banyak???

When I was courting the one six feet under, not in so many words said to him...I really don't mind him having many, many female friends. He was a friendly and charming man so he jokes about, he cares too much and he is very attentive (not to me unfortunately) Now that I think about it, some people like to have the reputation of being the nice and easy going and the pujaan Malaya one. He was one of them. Now that I think about it too, I am exactly the same...only I am not that friendly. But I do know that I am so selfless for my own good that people do tend to take advantage.

My friends said..I don't komplen. Ye lah...they don't read this blog. I complaint about everything under the sun.But...looking at it, I wrote my frustration in here...but I don't actively say it.

I realised then and now...now more blatantly so..that MC and me are two totally different people that want different things in life. I'm sure some of you (who has seen us together) would ask, would think..would anything but say...ohh what a lovely pair. What I realised I should now do is...to let things goes as it is. We had difficult talks and I know that I had done so much.

I often told people, don't stress about things that you have no power over.If you like it, you take it.I'm sure you will know when you have had enough.

When two people together and there is also two set of mind together that not always think alike.There's only so much that can keep two person together.If you're friends, maybe the friendship does and will keep you and your friend in a friendly term. If you're lover...if ever the sparks is gone, there'll be bits and pieces that may hold your puzzles together, walaupun kita tahu puzzles yang dah siap tidaklah banyak mana fungsi nya pun.

Our partner is never going to be perfect, just like we are. We have this imagination of what a partner should be but you often see the missing bit on other people.Ada my friend ni cakap, laki nya adalah jantan yang paling reliable dalam donia ni...but, dia adalah jantan yang tak banyak cakap and kurenggg sikit dalam nak memanjakan bini nya. So I said to her, since your hubs tu undersocialised, ko pi la socialise dengan orang lain. I wasn't asking her to start looking for another love but kalau laki you dah ghope macam itu, you can either menambah bilangan sahabat pena or sahabat starbuck, tak pun...pergilah menghiburkan hati you sendiri dengan membuat menda-menda yang you suka macam beli handbag penuh lemari. But I also told her to be open and honest about how she feels about him. So she did. The husband diam la memula tanda protest, but I encourage my friend to firm up, something got to give. But in the end, she now can do whatever she pleases, as long as tak melampaui batas.

I think the important thing in a union, is for us to accept our partner unconditionally. We may not like things he/she does and I think we should say. What do we want after that? Perubahan? Kalau dapat, dapat la...

I gave this advise to someone who wrote to me recently. She found out that husband was having an affair. So she confronted him.If you noticed, men who get caught never offer their partner any solution, and there likely to be given with one or an ultimatum. So do you really think keputusan bijak boleh dibuat dalam masa 5 menet???

So, I asked her to ask the hub, how he feels about her? Mind you, if after campur tolak bahagi kita rasa kita ni tak patut dipermainkan sebagitu ropa oleh laki kita yang shialll tu, kenkadang punca mereka tu menyundal adalah kerana mereka itu yang tak rasa cukup. So, itu adalah masalah dia and bukan you. The hubs kata la it was a mistake la..blablabla...(ye lah mistake tahik unta, mistake menda kalau dah ber affair 6 bulan lama nya???) So she said, kalau you suka that girl, kawin lah dengan dia. And she reminded him about them having their own daughter and taknak lah nanti anak mereka pulak dimain oleh orang. So the hubs asked, habis you macam mana? The wife cakap balik, well..you tak fikir pulak pasal tu bila you keluar dengan dia. POMMM!!! Laki dia termalu. The wife said, that she loves the husband as much as the day she marries him but she is hurt and need to think. Hubs say, you nak fikir apa? Wife cakap...I need to think and see if I can love you the same after all this. So she said, I izinkan you nikah dengan gilpren you...but one day, if I think this is all a bit too much for me, izinkan lah I tinggalkan you.

The hubs, I was told went ahead and marry the gilpren. But tak lama. He is now back with the wife. I keep telling the wife, keep an open mind about your marriage, sometimes, it is not about you. I was lucky dia tak sumpah I pasal suruh laki dia kawin.

So, the politician say, saman lah perampas laki you dan laki you sekali if your marriage is broken by them. Do you honestly think that is a good idea? Siapa perampas dan siapa pulak suka, rela, paksa dirampas? Buat apa? Kalau dia pun set-set tak guna, relakan jelah dia dirampas, and sebelum dia kena rampas, buatlah plan siap-siap nak rampas reta dia sikit-sikit ye.

In the spirit of being open, I encouraged MC to cakap apa dia rasa....patah jugaklah hati I memula...ye lah, kita rasa kitalah yang paling mithali sekali dalam dunia ni. But what do we want? Okay..not happy and start looking for another one? So I cakap...you buat lah apa yang you nak. But in the event that you rasa dah takde benda lagi that will keep us together, then you must tell me.

That's how open I can be.

p/s This applies only kalau you dapat partner yang bangsa tak makan saman ye...kalau laki kita tu bangsa menurut perintah, takyah lah nak offer buy 1 get one deal pulak.

Korban

Kiah is ever so generous with information....so now we all know how ancient she is (and me too..dah kau dok name dropping aku aje..punah harapan ku nak moonlighting sebagai teenage girls yang minat Justin Bibot)

I too, like CK, grew up ber chenta-chenta an dengan lagu Air Supply. I too know all Air Supply songs by heart. I saw them in concert once, before I migrate balik ke UK. Masa tu manalah ada lagu caruts maruts macam sekarang ni...innocent love aje.

Takpelah..let Kiah have fun, in less than two weeks she is going to be a year older than me. Kasi chance la...orang tengah buat PHD dah naik serong kepala, so whatever makes her happy.At least bila dia dah habis besok and adding square to her already existing title, she can look back at this, all evidence pointing to how close she was to having psychopathic tendency.

Hari ni juga ialah Hari Raya Korban. Since Monday (since ko tak bertanya kannn, Kiah???) I dah berkorban sedikit unwanted flesh located inside my back passage. Process nya sakit macam celaka.I am solely blaming the Doctor. Ramai betul orang suruh I mengomplen...but, I am in so much pain to do that. But what it is, not the physical pain that is hurting me so much...

Some of you have written to me about how envious you were about me living successfully abroad. If I were you, I may feel the same.Most of my adult life is in UK, habis aje NCUK terus kena hantar datang sini. Tak sempat I nak belajar bersidai kat KLCC. Habis-habis gempak pun masa tu is at that rollerskate place kat Kotaraya tu (jaman batu niiii) or that Asia Jaya. Betul makpak I cakap...bila dah bergaji besok, lepaklah kat mana-mana yang I suka..buat lah apa-apa yang I nak. How all that is ringing true.

Living abroad together with your love ones may have been different. I am always alone here. Some years I was with someone, but you all must know how volatile that life was for me.Apart from winter cold, I jarang sakit. Kalau ada pun..macam sekarang ni..ialah sakit akibat perbuatan sendiri. So adik-adik, silalah minum air bergelen-gelen dan makanlah sayur-sayuran sampai tahik you jadi hijau ye...

We don't get multiple choices in life, sometimes. Kalau kita suka yang ini, kita kena lepas yang itu. It will be better if we know what is in store, but we don't.

We made sacrifices in life...ada yang dapat pahala, ada yang tambah dosa.But we have to do what makes us happy.Happy is now is such a subjective word that we sometimes don't even know what it means anymore.

You're happy that at last, the one person you've been crazy about for the last 16 years reciprocates your feeling. But, it is 16 years too late to start going back to how it was before.

You're happy that the fact that after so many dark days, you're now smiling again..have something to look forward to, have someone to call and have someone telling you that they miss you so much. But that person is not physically with you.

So, the point I want to make to you who thinks living abroad is great, happy dengan winter coat, daun luruh or salji...that everything great comes with a price.

Would you rather...having having pleasure in the eye but when comes to feeling pain, you're all by yourself..nak mengadu nasib dengan yang tersayang pun bakai BBM saja???

Can you stomach..in Raya Haji like this..when you're suppose to be stuffing your face, tak kisah lah makan lemang atas katil pun...being alone and painful in the hospital makeshift, in bend over position..trousers down..with everything sharp and big..buggered down your arse???

Can you bear...your so called best friend...shredding your heart, nevermind bontot you yang sakit tak terperi..tagging you in her FB picture ticket dia nengok Air Supply tu?

Apa motif dia? Nak putus sedara sangat kah????

Sekian...

Dream...That Is Unfortunately Not Free

I was looking at my blog production this year. NOT GOOD like the previous previous year. I realised that this year, I talked less about work. I am not sure if work lately has become so uninteresting, given UK current recession where the government made plenty of cutbacks.

Or is it...since earlier this year, my allegiance is channeled somewhere else? Kiah will jump at her first opportunity to slag me off on this one. Okay laa...love is love, but MC doesn;t know about this web sanctuary of mine and I am not about to tell also. Biarpun dia ada jugak membuat muka cuak bila kengkawan ketat memanggil I 'Makji'.

With this blog, I made and met new friends. I also met few people that I like and I don't quite like. Some I just tolerate and some, I just blatantly ignore.Although people announced their open-mindedness about our choice of friends, I think twice about letting them know my true feelings about them...pasalnya, often their open-mindedness itu adalah kata-kata cover and belakang cover adalah kata-kata caruts. Not that I mind orang caruts I, but it is always better no caruts than ada caruts...ataupun lebih mudah, walaupun kita takleh tutup mulut longkang orang yang nak ngata kita, tapi alangkah baiknya kalau kata-kata kutuk itu tak ada langsung. Tak gitu, Kiah????

To you followers of my blog, pardon me that sampai sekarang I tataulah apa jadahnya follower itu and apa fungsi sebenarnya but nevertheless, I sangat berterima kasih you all sanggup gak ikut blog I yang kurang pekdah lagi boleh meng induce kekurangan pahala ni. Those who messaged and offer to be my friends via FB, mintak mahaplah permintaan itu tak dapat I terima sebab FB itu adalah untuk kengkawan saja. Ada jugak kengkawan FB yang I tak pernah jumpa but kawan juga atas dasar ikhlasnya orang tu nak kawan dengan I siap buat research lagi nah...Cik M. Maaf na...I tak call you balik sebab aku busy makan karipap and I hope you're not in anyway affected by the banjir.

Hari ini I adalah sedikit emosi. Maybe sebab bulan bakal mengambang dan juga sekembalinya I kat sini, cuaca amat sejuk mengalahkan suhu dalam peti ais Toshiba dan I telah terjangkit deman kuss kuss. Ish...leceh tau bila demam kuss kuss ni...dah la bukan semudah ABC nak jumpa doktor. Dah la I takde boipren doktor....so nak tak nak, kenalah makan lemsip sampai baik sendiri.

Bila demam-demam camni, mulalah mengenangkan diri kita ni yang jauh dari makpak, adik beradik dan juga kekasih hati (pluekkkk) Bila sensorang, takde orang tanya kita dah baik ke...or nak tepek tangan atas dahi macamlah benda tu boleh jadi thermometre gitu. Takde orang nak offer buat sup ikan merah ataupun gosokkan vicks vapour rub tu. Semuanya Sdn.Bhd. you...

Adalah sorang peminat I ni...(dia la yang kata, bukan aku yang claim tau, Kiah...and btw, dia kata dia peminat kau jugak..hah, hati ada puas kah?) tanya I, Makji, you takde ke cita-cita nak balik Mesia for good...

Balik baru-baru ni, cita-cita tu jadi macam kabur sekejap. Actually sebelum I reunite dengan MC, I dah terpikir nak balik kerja kat Mesia. Tapi bila dah beli rumah, macam tak jadi pulak bcos we fought long and hard to get the house thing materialised. Then my rumahtangga dengan F jadik hancur lebur akhirnya and I thought, okaylah..leave all that behind but pikir punya pikir nanti it would be unfair to MB1 because for the last 13 years, we have done many, many things together and we needed each other more than any other ordinary married couple. But MB1 realised I need to be where my happiness is (she is referring to MC la ni...) MC cakap dia tak kisahhhhhh (dia suka cakap dia tak kisahhhhh, apa yang dia kisahhhh sebenarnya I pun tatau) as long as I happy tapi katanya, dia suka I dok dekat-dekat bukan 13 jam travelling with 8 hours time difference. We had spent the longest time together recently and parting again, wasn't easy. But I have to go to work where my work is :(

Cik Adik, bukan tak nak balik menabur bakti...dan berjumpa kekasih hati...(tetappp lah nak gatal) But it is not that easy. Kerajaan Malaysia tak suka dengan orang yang mereka rasa tidak normal. Mereka suka memenuhkan hospital saja and kurung mereka sampai mati. Saya nak tolong, saya pun tak berapa upaya. Kalau ada yang menolong pun, semua pergerakan charity orang bukan Islam yang ditaja oleh businessman cina yang kaya-raya tu. Orang melayu kalau kaya, tambah bini and tukar kereta and buat majlis kahwin grand-grand sampai kita yang tengok pun takut.

Tak apalah...saya akan berusaha dan menyimpan impian. For now, I can only dream. Kepada yang dichentai, now and again, when the loneliness gets the better of me, I will menyorok dalam duvet and nangis...and not tell anyone. Then I'll tell myself...okay...3 bulan...3 bulan...

I have also started to miss my little nieces and nephew too and my mother's gulai telur.

Kepada yang memerlukan bakti, I plan my dream in a way that I know how. The last 10 months, I have researched opportunities to work in Malaysia and I even have mates who's offering me jobs that I had to politely declined as I do not want to get back into unrewarding routine although it pays well. I told MC that my motivation is not about money anymore, although I need plenty of them. I want to help others. But without money, it is hard for me to help the needy soul, that is largely neglected. I am sorry that I am NOT crazy about helping the Palestinian like most Malaysian does. I have seen some Palestinians around yang membantutkan niat I even nak sedekah doa sekalipun. Punyalah buruk nya perangai. Malaysian seen only how Palestinian is hard done by, by the Israelis...but sama aje kejamnya memasing tu sesama mereka. I am conscious that some of you may not share my views but kita semua boleh berfikir and I hope if I am wrong, I should be convinced...but now, I just don't.

Okay, I am now raising funds for a place where the neglected one can come and be helped. Those who were affected by disease not fault of their own that affected their way of thinking. Those who majority of you think is dangerous in your community and therefore suitable in a lock up asylum. I want to help those who others think are different from them, those who others think are not normal like them.

This is a long shot. I may not raise enough money and maybe, I may not have enough money to do this but it is still a dream. I have few friends, both Jewish and Muslims together and other religions too, that has helped me created this website that should generate income for this dream. This is not religiously motivated however I do hope, as a Muslim that Allah will bestow me pahala for helping the needy, irregardless the beliefs.

So friends, friends and friends, please tell your other friends, friends and friends..wherever you are...to have a look at top right link, and help to spread the word. Spread this blog too. Lagi famous I, lagi cepat la kami-kami kumpul duit untuk tolong orang sakit kat Malaysia. Any income generated from the sale of the products listed will go directly to the proceed of this dream. Jaza'kallahu Khayran.

Sekian.

The Thing That We Think We Want....

Okay...ini adalah edisi Sri Siantan adhoc. So I am hoping that what I am about to write will help to ease your conscience.

I am so not the best person to give relationship advice, memandangkan aku pun tergolong dalam set-set sucker for punishment jugaks. It is so obvious that I live in wonderland. That's what happen when you're madly in love....uhuhuhhhh...or just mad. Okay..let's just agree on 'just MAD'...boleh? Ye lah..kalau dah seratus ribu orang kata..ala, lupakan jelah biawak tu, takde hasil pun..tapi kalau hati kata chenta, biawak pun serasa macam chihuahua Paris Hilton, kan?

The job that I'm in really helps me to understand other people (but myself)..I made excuses over silliest thing and I am this very overly understanding person...to my lover. Do you know that song by Tracy Chapman...2 weeks in a virginia jail etc, etc...for my lover...for my lover.

So, enough la about me, and the like of me..as in..soft, very understanding ( I am so not blowing my own trumpet ni tau...tak caya..tanyalah si empunya tanah tu...)

We always want something extra and very not so ordinary...in life. We said we are happy with the suffice but we actually dreaming the superlative.Kalau kita kaki clubbing, minum air batu...as in air yang sama macam batu or just kaki anything but duduk rumah diam-diam tengok Pojiah Latip, kita mengimpikan kekasih hati yang seropa peel macam kita jua. Tak pun, kita mahukan laki or bini yang beriman...walaupun iman kita tak lah banyak mana pun. Ye lah..macam jantan yang nak pompuan set-set mithali untuk dijadikan bini tapi dia nya ber statuskan jantan joget juara bertahan Piala Joget Lambak. Patutnya, kalau dah kaki joget tu, pi la carik pompuan joget jugaks kan??? Tak....pompuan kaki joget takleh dibuat bini katanya...some men eh?

Tapi..tak semua orang yang kita suka tu ber hobi or ber criteria sama macam kita. Kalau ada yang serupa peel cam kita pun, mesti dia tu set-set cemburu buta tak pun kaki kontrol or ada ajelah benda yang dibuatnya mampu menyakitkan hati kita. We love it when everybody just say YES to us. But when we do get them YES person, kita nak orang yang ada challenging nature pulak.

I think most of us are able to distinguish pure feelings and animal instinct.We love to feel safe in our relationship. Safety yang macam mana, ikut lah interpretation kita. Some of us are very lucky yang kita ni disayang dek partner kita sepenuh jiwa raga walaupun perangai kita seropa puaka. Kenapakah mereka itu buta dan apakah sebabnya mereka tu terlampau chenta???? Ohh..jawapan itu hanya mereka tu ajelah yang tahu...dan percayalah, rasanya orang yang chenta you macam nak mampus tu pun maybe tak tahu juga kenapa mereka jadi bangang begitu sekali.

Selfish kah kita, when we started to feel so inadequate in our life? Suddenly feeling safe is not good enough and we yearn more controversial life? Yes, he/she is nice...understanding...loving...caring...blardy blardy bla...but I need more spark, I need complexity...kata hati kita. I love to go into psychobable details but it would be unfair to generalise what we suspect can be insufficient in our earlier life that made us so selfish now.

I believe that most selfish people are secretly very lonely. They know what they want in life but loneliness created more particles inside them that urgently, to them, need filling in.

That's why...the safest option is to have fantasy. Make this fantasy your escapism.We know very well that although we dream and fantasised about them who are the complete opposite, deep down we know that safety come first.

I hope all this make sense.

Cerita Mu...Cerita Ku

Mentang-mentang MU dah hapdate..sesedap mulut MU ye menyindir-nyindir kieww? Patutnya MU lah patut rajin hapdate. MU banyak cerita. Kalau KU yang cerita balik-balik kisah chenta KU yang MU tak berapa soka.

Baru-baru ni, masa ada persidangan makan banyak kat KLCC, I dengan kawan-kawan sepermakanan I pun bergebang lah pasal orang-orang tertentu yang I rasa, dengan tanpa sebab munasabah suka benar nak over impress orang. Well, orang-orang yang nak di impress itu, rasanya lah ialah diri KU. Tataulah apesallll. Nak kata KU ni glamer...idoklah juga walaupun Kiah suka benau kata aku ni tergolong dalam orang ramai peminat. Cehh...apalah yang hendak diminatkan dengan I ni. Dah le sombong...bongkak pulak tu. But dalam sesombong-sombong diri KU, harap-harap janganlah kengkawan ketat yang mengenali diri KU tetiba lak taknak kawan dengan ku dan sudilah kiranya menerima KU seadanya walaupun KU bebaru ni tidaklah se efficient selalu.

Pun bagitu, KU rasanya nak lah sikit cakap pasal certain-certain someone yang KU agak menyampah. Biasalah, KU ka suka ngutuk. Speaking about the need to stand out in a conversation dengan kengkawan, KU rasa lainkali MU pilihlah topic yang seswai dan mudah diterima oleh orang yang tak berapa kenal diri MU yang khabarnya, idoklah digemari ramai ittew. Kadang-kadang apa yang kita cakap pada orang akan direpeat kembali mengikut interpretation orang yang mendengar ittew. You are lucky if that person happens to listen with his/her open mind and probably just want to brush you off as orang sasau terlebih Vodka. MU takpayah lah nak bagitau orang hal-hal kain cawat MU. Kalau MU happy dengan hidup MU, alhamdulliah...KU sungguh happy tapi apa MU buat dengan hidup MU yang MU sendiri tahu tak semua orang suka mendengarnya, takpayahlah MU nak broadcast sampai ke Angola, ye? Kadang-kadang MU tak tahu yang orang yang MU nak impress ataupun nak buat mega first impression sesangat tu lebih banyak makan garam (owh ini tak bagus untuk kesihatan...) dari MU. Orang yang terlebih garam ni kenkadang dah tak heran dengan cerita MU yang pada mereka ittew hanyalah macam Rotweiller menyalak kat pencuri. Orang kenkadang tak heran dengan siapa MU bergewe or berapa orang gewe MU dalam tempoh 17 tahun.

MU kena ingat, there's things that should remain private and is certainly not conversation materials. Lagipun, when people repeat things, macam-macam versions yang akan keluar. MU cakap kat orang A macam ni tapi bila dengan orang B macam ni. So bila A dengan B casually berborak, terkeluar cerita MU and dapat tahu MU telah membongak. Hah...lagilahhhh orang tak suka ke MU.

Lagi satu kan MU, kalaulah MU rasa ferlu untuk menongkat dagu mu setinggi pokok Pine, kalau MU nak auta pun, MU studylah benda yang Mu nak tipu tu. Mu tak tahu, orang yang MU auta tu pun pernah masuk UNI walaupun dia tak pass satu paper.Suffice say...aiyoh..kita orang bukan bodoh laa MU!!!! Sekarang KU dah tahu MU dari dulu memang kaki auta. Ingatkan dah lanjut umur ni MU mungkin dah berubah. Takkkk....so, since bercakap bohong memang hobi MU dari dulu, nasihat KU, alang-alang MU nak menipu sangat tu, MU investlah dalam electronic diary so that MU boleh keep track cerita MU. Berbohong ni kena ada skill. Always remember the first lie you told and it will generate to the next.

KU tahu MU suka jadi the centre of attention. Kalau boleh, MU nak semua orang tahu pasal cerita-cerita MU. Kalau orang pernah jatuh chenta berdebup dengan Mat Salleh mana, MU pun begitu jua. Pendek kata, apa saja pengalaman hidup orang serupa jugalah dengan pengalaman MU and MU punya version laaaagiiiiiiii bak Jennifer Lopez la glamer nya. MU selalu kompang MU rindukan suasana dan ketika MU makan Salmon Skin Roll kat Jepun, padahal kan MU kedai sushi berlambakkkkk kat KL. MU ingat MU sorang saja ke yang pernah dok kat Jepun tu????

Okey laa..sekarang balik kat cerita KU balik, bley?

Setelah 5 bulan KU tak jumpa kekasih hati, KU balik lah bebaru ni untuk melepas rindu. Well, chenta itu kenkadang bukanlah macam sekatil bunga Ros okehhh? KU dengan MC adalah jugak mengalami head on collision sampai ku dah rasa, okaylah..habiskanlah cuti yang telah diplan ini. Balik semula ke tanah sejuk ni, habislah kita. Dalam hidup KU, KU hanya pernah jatuh chenta golek-golek dengan dua orang saja. Dengan dua-dua pun KU tak pernah gaduh. Kalau bengang pun cakap baik-baik saja...pastu nangis sensorang. Tu lah kerja KU. So baru-baru ni KU cakap dengan MC, okaylah MU buatlah apa-apa yang MU suka. Yelah, KU nak cakap apa kann? KU dah malas nak pening-pening dan muntah-muntah (ohh if everrr) Memanglah KU chenta macam nak tercabut kepala lutut tapi kalau orang dah rasa lain...KU nak buat macam mana? Kuciwa??? Iskk..jangan cakaplahh...but kita ni dinasihatkan supaya jangan menyeksa diri dengan benda yang kita tak boleh kontrol.

Tetapikannnnnn.....selepas 3 jam dia cakap...ohh I want freedom, malam tu jugak orang itu bertukar menjadi pungguk. Dan selepas dari hari itu sehinggalah sekarang, kami dua-dua pun jadik pungguk jugak.

So, sebagai pelakon cerita Padaiyappa, kami pun membuat janji-janji Padaiyappa lagi. So Kiah...thank you for being there when I was crash and burn...and got thawed back. Cam shialll aje kan?

Update

After 3 weeks and lebih sikit, I am now waving 'see you later' to you all, my kawan-kawan. I akan kembali ke tanah sejuk yang khabarnya semakin sejuk tu. So, dengan berbekalkan wool coat I yang idoklah tebal mana, I hope I tidaklah menjadi beku sesampainya I di LHR airport yang tak chantekkk ittew.

Mana yang tidak dicontact, dijumpa etc, etc...I mintak berbanyak maaflah. Masa-masa terluang banyak digunakan dengan menonton drama-drama melayu yang sangat mengarut. I do enjoy some, especially cerita-cerita reminder and persediaan untuk masuk kubur. I will definitely miss the one with Pojiah Latif every Wednesday. Somehow, I see myself as Pojiah Latif lah pulak...punyalah sabar. Kalaulah Kiah....I'm sure that Rosyam Noor and Wati is now untraceable in any shape or form kat Banting tu and long will their family awaits the DNA result. Couple of days ago, I saw this college drama with a young girl called PONTI. Weihh...apakah ittew? I know that it is suppose to tell tales of pontianak, but can they be more obvious naming the unsuspecting pontianak as PONTI? Ni belum lagi I nak cerita pasal telemovie yang ada Pasah Sendat tu and few other girls yang kena rog dengan Rahim Rejali (yang lately ni dok jadi orang tua gatal aje..pehal?) What year or civilisation yang mana satu have the whole kampung suppose to lives in? Susah sangatlah konon nya nak dakwa perogol tua yang pakai tongkat tu. Pulak tu, their fathers...bila dapat tahu anak kena rogol, takdelah pulak ada feeling nak bawak cangkul parang ke apa-apa but instead, bley pulak tak caya yang anak masing2 tu kena rog. Bodoh sangat ke yang tukang tengok ni? We have been watching all types of cerita criminal antarabangsa, tup tup..part drama kita, bila orang tua perogol tu pakai Merce ber plat kan tahun lepas, boleh pulak orang kampung tempat dia tinggal tu tak pernah dengar kaedah DNA bagai????

Then came this joget-joget program...rings true to what people always said about Melayu that they never take things seriously. Kalau dah nak berjoget sangat, belajarlah joget betul-betul kann? With proper choreographer. Ni...they want to look funny and even have funny move where the man wrapped himself in his kain pelikat and in the end, went down the woman...ish, buruk okay??? But I know, this is all entertainment...but again, I wish they have taken it more seriously.Tapikannn..I ni komplen kuat, tapi dok nonggok gak depan TV tengok!

Since I balik sampai today...ramai betul orang mati dalam traffic accident. Ada bus terbang laa...ada bus masuk gaung la...ada motorcyclist kena lenyek cam lepat pun ada. People drive too fast and dangerously. Ada jugak I dengar orang sosek-sosek kata...Makji Esah, kalau speed limit kata 80, dia bawak 80 aje. Errr....bukankah kita kena ngikut speed limit Abe oiii?

But all in all, I enjoy my trip. It feels short, but enough lah for now. A lot of people I know is either leaving or have left their partner.I for one, tak le berapa suka dengar news yang macam ini. But some decision doesn't belong to us.Kalau kita tak tinggal orang, orang pulak nak cabut lari dari kita.

Hmmmm........

Day 8

Day 8. Ada hari happy banyak, ada hari yang happy sikit, ada hari makan sikit, ada hari makan banyak....ada hari menyampah dan ada hari rasa nak marah-marah.

Hari Happy & Makan Banyak
Ada few days yang happy banyak ni. Hari sampai KLIA, walaupun baggage handling macam celaka, tu belum masuk delay from LHR to 2nd airport. Kesian MC yang dok cokoh sesore dio kat KLIA tunggu I. Nak buat cemana kann? Well, semua rasa bengang sebab kena tunggu lama itu terhapus apabila barang2 yang dipesan tanpa belas kasihan bertukar tangan dan nama geran. Malam tu jugak, I dengan tak cukup tidur, tak cukup rehat dan tak cukup segalanya...pergi berderak lagi, untuk derak sessi pertama. In the end, I tido pukul 6 pagi sebelum dijeritkan oleh pilot-belum-pencen untuk sessi derak nombor 2.Hari jumpa kawan-kawan memang happy banyak...dapat makan nasi tomato, roti jala & karipap yang telah dipesan tanpa bayaran dengan muka tak malu nya. Mekasihhh naa....Ratu Batu Caves. Mung memang la Diva Dapur, happily and genuinely bestowed by me and my friends...kerna kehandalan mu memasok sambil mementen kan kejelitaan dan kebersihan dapur Laura Ashley mu ittew.Pun bagitu...idok la pula kelihatan peket-peket kuah segera yang biasanya digunakan oleh Diva Dapur area lain (area Richmond terutamanya)

Semalam juga adalah hari yang happy dan makan banyak. So Kiah, snap out of your strop ye...walaupon ko bolayan aku dan mementingkan telepon bimbit mu dan membiarkan aku dicabul oleh orang lalu lalang depan kedai tu. Nasib baik aku diselamatkan oleh Belladonna yang kali pertama menengok muka ku yang amat stress. Habis keperkasaan Suria Perkasa Baja Hitam aku.

Happy that I am meeting real-real friends (one missing, sebab dia tengah jadi Supir mithali laki nya) I want to write about my trip to KLCC in a taxi (Kiah cakap apa tau...ko hengat aku nak jemput kau kat Shah Alam pastu gi KLCC?????!!!!! Dengan sora petirnya pulak tuuu) The planning was rather haywired because my KL simcard decided to play dead on me, so I was without alat komunikasi tercanggih walaupun baru aje beli I-Touch 4th Generation itu (kau adaaaa???) MC lives in the area where the mobile reception macam jahanam and Kiah waited til the very lastminute to brave up and call. Well, who can blame her. I cheated on Kiah in January but fair and square as Kiah has been committing adultery via Facebook and it is still current and happening, so usahlah kau jeles antara aku dan dia okeh? Lagipun kau sekarang dah tahu yang dia pun set-set Ikan Tuna Jepun, so..we might as well resume our indiscretion...

I got picked up by a taximan from Jalan Sabung Ayam. He was a bit ( I think) stunned looking at me locking up my passenger seatbelt (weh..tak pernah ke tengok back passenger pasang seatbelt???) and ask me if I have particular route that I want him to use to KLCC (macam la aku tahu kannn) but remembering what my sister told me, don't behave like a tourist bila kau naik teksi or you will get overcharged and sila jadi peramah sikit, I told him, tak kisah lah Encik, mana-mana yang cepat lah. So I thought, that was going to be the extent of our words exchange.Ohhh...Encik Teksi sungguh peramah. He is very charming too. He asked if MC's office was mine, I said NO. Tu opis kawan. He somehow know what sort business MC's into by reading the signpost, kalah aku yang tido sekatil ni (ohhhh) Then Encik Teksi (ET) asked if I'm in Interior Design business, I said NO and rasa nak gelak pun ada. Not gelak at him you know...but gelak at myself. Ye lah...kalaulah kita ni lawa macam Zara Salim Davidson ke to be mistaken for Interior Designer, takpe lah jugakss kann?

He talked and talked...about him, about his children and about his wife, which I find very endearing. Most married man like to tell you his non-existence problematic marriage or maybe pretend that he is an overdue bachelor. ET talked about how wonderful his wife is and how he took pity on her drowned in a sea of kain-kain buat baju kurung raya and how he helped to jahit sembat susup (his wife is a tailor)

I wonder what is it about taxi driver (some only) who manages to loosens my tongue. I have encountered a few. I rarely talk to people. There's something about the backseat of a taxi that seems to have the magic of therapist's couch, eliciting confessions and cerita-cerita dalam kain yang kenkadang kita nak cerita kat kawan baik sendiri pun tidak.

In that 40 minutes journey, he now knows who am I currently still being married to, why it didn't work, confession about how I don't really know about Malaysian newly built highways DUKE,NKVE,Sprint etc etc...because I actually lives in London. He show me the new still in construction Istana Negara along Jalan Duta near KL Soho (???amboiii) and how the project was sponsored by so and so. He talked politics too and that have our toungues engages for a long-long conversations.

Arrived KLCC, he complimented my BM, that to him is still intact after years of beng anglicised. I told him that I can speak Deghoyan and Kolo Pilah too. I tipped him with cash and Kiah's share of chocolate. I told him, ni suitable for Vegetarian ni..so in a way, walaupun takde cap halal, Encik boleh makan lah ye...he said, ohh..the thought that counts...furthermore, this chocolate is from England.

Hari Makan Sikit
I said to MC, I want the nasik lemak under the tree. MC said, dia tak pernah nampak keujudan payung bawah pokok with Makcik Nasi Lemak seller around PJU5.I don't know if MC still frequenting the stalls bawah pokok like we used to many,many years ago.This is already day 8. I haven't been to any stall bawah pokok. And I haven't eaten any nasik lemak bought from bawah pokok. But, I am an independent woman. I went to Giant Shah Alam myself, not very far from MC's opis. MC said, you nak gi macam mana. I said I will jalan kaki. MC want to drive, and I said its only 15 minutes walk. MC is not the knight of shining armour type. If its were me, I will insist driving my love one even to lautan berapi (and menipu laa kan...) but MC will not argue and say..ok lah..jalan baik-baik ye. (errrr) So, sesampainya I kat Giant, I helped myself with 8 popiah basah. In one go. Tu sikit baru....if only people can take up another hobby but not starring at people who you think looks a bit different. Terencat tau, I tell you. This is when you need Kiah. The day after, I want Mamak Mee Goreng but Kiah took me to this Mamak Happening place that the parking system can induce stress.But with Kiah and Belladonna, I can go anywhere and eat anything. I can pinch their food from their plates too. I am so unfazed by Kiah killers glare.I got taken to some posh place. I live in UK, where you can't find table under a tree...breaching the health and safety regulation. So to me, all eating places in the UK are posh, unless it is a chippy or chinese takeaway. Even Malaysian Hall is posh (rega nya saja..service nya idok) and Malaysian Hall eve have their own regulations...non-Malaysian are not allowed unless accompanied by Malaysian. Weh, bukak kedai kat rumah/tanah orang, lagi mau taruk regulation itu macam ka?

Hari Menyampah & Rasa Nak Marah-Marah
I have been housebound and office bound.I don't get to see lots of people. MC told me that since I came back, the weather is more considerate. When I was waiting for Kiah at KLCC, I got told of by this female securityguard, who couldn't be bothered to come closer to me and told me gently to move away from the wall. No. She is auditioning for the role of prison warden in Teater Musikal 'Bawaklah Dadah Maka Kau Pun Masuk Jail'. So, armed with many audience, she told me off, I'm sure is heard by many passerby and the eating customer. I could have been very sarccy and answer back, where is it that says 'No Waiting Here' sign and challenge her, but I'm struggling with my conscience of thinking...I'm sorry that she is ngok takde budi bahasa or I'm sorry she is the guard been on her feet all day long. I said sorry and reposition myself near the pole where I got hit and run by segorombolan manusia who thinks its okay to invade your personal space and not say sorry. Funny that the Malays Muslims make this huge huge huge fuss about tidak bersentuhan kulit so and so, but baik lelaki dan perempuan yang lalu lalang kat KLCC tu kalau berjalan mengalahkan sekawan gajah but berfungsikan babi hutan with no sense of awareness that their way of mobility may as well accident prone. I have to warn this adik tudung with her tudungs friends who is walking across me. I cakap...can you please see where you're going? What I got is a stare, not sure if its a stare of annoyance or stare tak paham bahasa.

Hmmm........

Jawapan Kepada Request Yang Sia-Sia

How come when Kiah made demand, I moved to this automated mode to follow instantaneously???? Adakah ini chenta?? (Cam shialll je bunyik nya..) Well...hats off, she really know how to get what she wants of me. So, katanya nak order something? Mana request nya...aku udah mau pulangin ni.

Actually, without Kiah soft strop hence addressing herself as SAYA KIAH in my chat box..I memang nak update pun. But I was away from my desk in London and currently in East Anglia yang sejuk cam syaitonnn ini. Ciss, who would have thought that September will be cold and gloomy like this? Wahh...Paroi Jaya, nantikan daku occay?

Okay....whoever of you who sent this....

Saya tak tahu nak pergi mana. Saya cuba bunuh diri tapi tak cukup kuat nak betul betul laksanakannya. Tolong, saya tak nak mati sia sia. ghinoptv@yahoo.com

Not once but sampai 4 kali (but only got published once) Can I just say to you that you will have better luck calling your emergency samaritans service for immediate help instead of me. I hope you're still alive or managed somehow scribble some notes telling the people who may find you lifeless not to bother interrogating your closest enemies.

Irregardless whether this is a cry for help or seeking attention, I am programmed to take what you said seriously. Pasal tu I buat entry ni, kalo tak sumpah ku takmau layan. I am sorry that you're feeling whatever you're feeling. You seem so depressed but somehow managed to logged into my blog and leave this message. How sweet of you to think of me in your hour of need.

I am not usually kind to severely despressed people, reason being..if you have come to stage where you want to end it all, chances are you have less ability to listen and making sense. You seems to know what you want and what are your strength. Your message says it all. You tried, but you 'feel' you're not strong enough to carry it out. Takut la tu. And you also tak nak mati sia-sia. Tahupun you. So, kesimpulannya you masih boleh berfikir. You still have energy to internalised all this...so gunakan tenaga you sebaik nya.

I am not going to judge you because I am going to let you do that yourself. But let me tell you this, there is so many people in similar profession as me, have been in this job long enough to know which cry for help is genuine. I am not saying that yours are NOT but I am pointing out some strength that you have which may be at your advantage.

Talk to someone you can trust. I am sorry I can't be much of a help to you. I am not sure what are you asking here. And honestly, I wouldn't know what to do because you know what you want yourself. Read back what you wrote and if you can think of something specific, please write again.

I wish you well. You are still (by the sound of it) in a conscious state. So harsh unemphatic response is necessary. However if you feel that you must kill yourself, consider doing the noble thing like don't tell anyone about what you're about to do. Chances are, you will make that person's life a living hell, blaming themselves for not being able to help you. Write a note. Ask forgiveness and forgive others. Be brave. Kalau dah tertulis you akan mati cara yang macam ni, apa nak dikata?

Kiah....now you must update yours.

Kenapalah Kita Terlampau Sensitive?

Entry ini tidak ada kena mengena dengan kejadian pergaduhan bodoh pesbuk minggu lepas. However, what I saw posted in my Facebook walls, inspired this.



1. Budak-Budak Pompuan Bertudung Yang Kurang Moral

Ni bukan I yang label ye..but the comments I read upon the posting of the video of them mucking about in YouTube. Majority of the commentators, one of them is related to me cakap...budak-budak pompuan ni adalah manusia paling bebal dan menjatuhkan maruah orang bertudung and mempersendakan agama. What do they actually do? Err...them 3 girls, berzikir ala dikir barat siap tepuk-tepuk tangan tinggi-tinggi tu, followed by some giggles. Ye laa..kelakar lah rasa nya kannn? I don't know why people seems to have this special rules about pompuan yang pakai tudung...bahawasanya, once you decided to tutup aurat, maka tidak bolehlah lagi kamu membuat perangai-perangai yang tak seswai dengan tudung you. Hmmm...I dulu pun pakai tudung atas paksaan MRSM. But lepas jugak kitorang buat aksi gatal bontot and gelak macam Mahmood June. Nothing to do with the tudung...but of course lah, you're hoping that the tudung should curb your salah laku. We can always try...salah laku consists of lots of things in my eyes. Pada orang yang rasa dia ni hollier than thou will say, buat apa pakai tudung but then still ikut jantan masuk semak. That kind of salah laku. However bila Ketua Muslimah pi caci maki carut opposition party, still clad in her long and heavy tudung...itu bukan salah laku pulak ye? I pity those girls. They're young and maybe not that smart (yelah..kalau bijak sana, wakpe lah lu orang gi videokan joke-joke bangan you all tu) but to accused them of menjatuh maruah and mempersendakan agama..its a bit harsh. Pardon me if I am wrong..but apart from the dikir barat style, they were reciting the zikir properly..takdelah dia pi tokok tambah dengan lagu kumpulan Too Phat ke hapa. Who are we to conclude such judgement menuduh bebudak ni mempersendakan agama? Why can't we just take the message exactly as they were intended to...yakni, budak2 pompuan tu having a light moment amongst themselves. Ada pulak comment cakap..kompem masuk neraka bebudak pompuan tu...hish!



2. The Bunuh & Bakar

I read somewhere that this man, who is a religious officer ke siapa, quoted that..pembunuhan Sosilawati adalah satu penghinaan kepada agama Islam. Pasalnya...all the deceased was burnt. Katanya orang Islam bukan mati dibakar. Wehh....sajalah nak bagi sesat hati orang yang bangsa pakmak turut ni kan...sukalah you nanti orang Islam (yang bangsa suka gaduh terus berfeeling Mujahiddin) pi bunuh orang India pulak. This is a criminal act, how is it penghinaan kepada Islam? Bakarudin murderer also attempted to disposed their crime by pouring petrol over his body and set him alight. I doubt they have in mind to hina Islam...but more on the intention supaya takdelah orang nak tangkap depa kann? It is gravely unfortunately that all the deceased has now charred beyond recognition. I think this has nothing to do with Islam or disrespecting any other people religious belief for that matter. It is clearly an act of greed. Kenapa perlu sensitive tak bertempat?


3. Alejandro
I was tagged in a notes written by someone about this Lady Gaga song. Personally, I like the melody (and the men in heels clad only in black brief..whoahhh) But some hamba allah over analysed, however he/she could be right in his/her analysis. The analysis was very impressive and educational. I never knew one could be so precise with attention to details. This is why I always maintain that we should try to separate our religious belief with our practical lives. A faith is a must amd Islam is the way of life. Tapi kita kenalah berpada-pada dalam mengeluarkan pendapat and janganlah sesekali menganggap orang lain tidak punya akal sendiri. Macam, kalau kita dengar lagu 'Like A Prayer' ke 'Papa Don't Preach' terus kita semua berfeeling nak ngikut Madonna. Tak boleh ke kita dengar lagu dengan niat untuk berhibur saja? Takk....notes for Alejandro terus meminta kita berhati-hati dengan kumpulan bawah tanah ni yang nak memesongkan akidah kita. What made you think kita semua nak start makan salib macam Lady Gaga tu just because kita dok nyanyi lagu Alejandro, hah? Ada makcik sorang ni terus buat statement, okay lah..pasni akak akan berenti dengar lagu Lagy Gaga Laknatullah itu. Wehhh..kak, who gives you the right to jatuhkan hukuman ke atas manusia just because kita hanya nampak dia dalam TV ber rararararararara rororomannnnncceeeee.

I wanted to share my opinion about those who gets oversensitive upon his/her removal from another person Facebook's friendlist. But, biarlah...sebab ada orang..kawannya ramai hanya dalam pesbuk aje. So kalau itulah life yang buat dia happy, asal dia tak kacau orang...biaq dia lah kan...

Kiah & NBNS, siap kau kalau kau dilit aku!!!

Update

Hari ni tadi Boss paling besar dalam organisation I, mintak nak jumpa I. Well, message nya dapat semalam...tapi hari ni lah baru ada kesempatan gi jumpa pun. Diva lah sangat kan I...


Well, that is the mukadimah. People I work with has been making suggestions on how to improve my femininity. Wehh...butch cassidy sangat kah I? Takkkk....kata mereka, I got hidden beauty (believe me I so nak muntah even typing this) I was out with my colleague untuk sessi-sessi ngumpat patient & boss recently, and one of the girls tanya, mana handbag I. So I told her I am not a handbag person. Or make up...for that matter.

So this lady tanya, so where do you put all your stuff then? I told her that all my stuff is in my multi purpose bag. Then bila dapat bas on the way nak balik umah, bila dok sensorang kepala melayang..I dok wonder..why lah I tak nak pakai handbag ye? Adakah kerna handbag tu sangat kecik and leceh dan tidak practical for me who is only into big things ni. Or is it cerita rampok samun handbag yang membuatkan I tidaklah sesungguh hati nak ber toting handbag like mak datin kulu kilir? Then all that persoalan dalam kepala concluded dengan fakta sebenar yang...I ni..tak berapa suka handbag. Suka..suka la h jugak..but kalau nak gi melaram boleh la kan...but, how many times lah sekarang ni yang I keluar melaram nya pun????

I ni selalu dapat compliment, orang kata (lembu tokleh cakap bahasa yang kita paham kannn..kalu tak sure lembu pun kata) kulit I cantekk...so I see no purpose of menepek mekap. I am shit-scared of celak mata..or any bahan pencantik muka yang ada kena mengena dengan mata. I have tried...and sebelum situkang taruk celak hilang sabar and cucuk bijik mata I with the celak instead, so I better say my peace with celak. I can still tahan Mascara..but apa jadahnya kalau benda tu ended up akan mengaburi spek mata ku dengan corak-corak Zebra?


But since umur pun muda sikit je dari Kiah (fact is..Kiah lebih tua dari I) I have to befriends with Boots No.7 and Olay, demi mengurangkan garisan contour di muka ku ni. Walaupun umur makin tak muda, muka mestik maintain muda.


Going off a tangent sikit...my raya was okay..takdela siapa yang volunteer nak jadik Neng Yatimah ke..Azean Irdawaty ka...or any other pelakon cerita tamil for that matter yang suka nangis sampai kluaq air hidung. We organised a Raya get together at our place. Yang menyambut Raya nya adalah 4 orang yang yang lenlain tu hanya tukang datang makan dan memperabihkan wine free hadiah Xmas tahun lepas orang bagi kat I. That's the closest thing I can get to celebrating Raya and I wore my recycle baju kurung. Okaylahh...I called my mother the first thing and mintak maaf zahir batin. I was quite pleased with myself, because masa raya depan mata dia pun, I jangan kata nak salam..mintak hampun pun tidak sebab busy nya menjadi stewardess raya pertama tu. (Alasangggg kan? Soheh anak derhaka aku ni, but like I said in my previous post...I have funny ways of showing affection to my parents)


In my lifetime..I only ever owned 3 handbag. My first handbag was from my ex. I don't know why he bought me a handbag...adakah kerna aku dok kulu kilir mengendong knapsack? Well...one of the sweetest things he did was to buy me a present with his first pay. He was in that KLCC project and his first pay was melekat into Suzuki Vitara & my Bonia handbag. Tapi..apa guna hadiah tanpa kata-kata...(sob..sob..sob..) Wehh..aku bukanlah pompuan materialplestik!!!


My 2nd handbag was a LV, specially made for us in SQ. (Kau ado, Qatar Airways???Takdo...) But, I was hardly seen toting one...sebab my favourite past time after working non-stop is tidur. Apa jadah tidur bawak handbag, ye tak???


My 3rd handbag...is a free gift from Body Shop. I'm not into brand. The handbag is so mungil and so practical. But also so kecik. Only mobile phone, inhaler, purse, sanitary towel, lipgloss and kayu sakti kecik I aje (this is another story altogether..) yang muat nya.


So, I am back to my more practical bag. The knapsack yang semua benda boleh masuk, termasuk benda-benda yang I songlap dari opis. If I ada meeting, I will berlagak lah sikit bawak my EA work bag. Mahal bag ni...very impulse purchase, tatau lah apesal. I ni jarang buat kerja bodoh (as in spend beratus pound for a bag) but hari tu, tah cemana, ada kuasa ajaib pulak kat Bond Street tu.


Ada jugak orang dekat-dekat I tegur...eh you, pakailah handbag. Nampak feminine sikit. How can you justify femininity with handbag? Just because women in general use handbags? Maybe. Of course lah, handbags are often used as affirmation of one femininity. As in berambut panjang jugak. Orang la kata...to me, you can look and be as butch as you like and your ultimate source of femininity is the one you possess between your legs.


I recently went out with my Bosses and thought, since this is a official do, I should make a bit of an effort. Heavily intoxicated, my big boss cakap kat I, Makji, don't get me wrong..but you should wear make up regularly and wear dress. I have never seen you this pretty. Should I be flattered to that? Not really. He was drunk. Although drunk people tell the truth, I did not appreciate his compliment one bit. Why?


He knows what job I do and where I usually work. People often say, look good for yourself and not for others. True...is not about what people say, being presentable is about how it makes you feel. But I am too practical. Asking me to wear dress and make up to work is like asking farm lady to wear stilettoes and bawak handbag gi perah susu lembu.


When I first started this job, the workplace is full of peeping toms that I had to asked somebody to accompany me to the loo. I can wear the loosest clothes on earth, hardly any colours on my face and still, I can be accused of 'turning someone on'. When I use to wear skirt at work, I have men waiting under the staircase and out of the blue, unassumed..somebody in the unit knows the colour of my undies.


So infront of me today is the same man who compliments aku rasa nak buang kat jamban. Of course he was not drunk but he is quite blunt with his comments. The reason he called is to ask me my reason for declining to attend the office conference plus Xmas dinner. My excuse has always been that I have to work. I did went last year but I didn't make it to the party. I hate going to work Xmas party. I am the only foreigner. Apparently I have 'accent'. Ye lah..amongs the orang putihs..kan ke accent ku ni accent Melayu Kiah..kannn?


So si tua ni macam nak pujuk I pergi Xmas part, again saying...this is the time you can get all doll-up. Make you feel better about yourself. Katanya si hamlau ni.


I look at him and smile.


I cakap kat dia...I always feel better about myself Sir, with or without being a doll. You know where I work...I talk to the homeless, drug addict and all sorts, who probably would rather spend money on a skunk than buying deodorants.


I would rather get all doll up with my friends or by myself, rather than going to Xmas party where all will end up get very drunk you can't tell the lips are red because of their lipsticks or red wine.


Unless them drunkard pledge not to take the piss out of me or call me Thai Girl, then I might consider. Until that day, I will be having my Xmas dinner somewhere else and not at office do.

-----------> Ni cakap dalam hati...oh, and I will wear make up and use handbag when I want to. Its for me..and not for you. Apa motif I cakap cam ni..tatau lah.

Well, entry ni takde pekdah...but sebelum Kiah sindir I dalam pesbuk...hah..bacalah.

Entry - Bawaklah Bersabar

Huiyoooo...ramai nya orang sudah gaduh! Ampat olang sulah mati....2 olang sudah tunang...and satu olang, sulah mintak lia munya luittt. Cilaka itu Nolman Hakim!!!


Itu pergaduhan orang yang glamerr. Yang semi-glamour....gaduh dalam pesbuk aje, pastu bawak masuk orang lain yang sibuk nak gi kerja. Haiyaa...sulah tatak kilija ka? Well, this should stop now or I might risk incurr someone else's wrath. WE should look after ourselves more...people can get annoyed for no reason. Benda sikit2 pun jadi besar. I ni jarang..jarangggg sangat gaduh dengan kawan (ye lah..kawan sama banyak dengan gigi, nak gaduh pe benda kan Kiah?) but paling selalunya, I pun kena tarik masuk dalam boxing ring sekali. I'm not some Ratu Perpaduan sejagat mcm orang Cambridge & Hull, I give opinions where matters...selalunya yang orang tak suka dengar lah kann..but since when orang suka mendengar nasihat jika mereka itu berasa menjadi mangsa?

Ada kawan sekolah I ni, sekarang tgh musim bergaduh dengan adik dia. Via Pesbuk. Laaa hai. Hari-hari ada status yang menyakitkan mata. She is my best friend la kiranya, kawan dari tadika...nak I tegur karang...takut dia tak suka. Tapi kalau dah ada status berbau ugutan macam nak melakukan GBH or ABH kat sesesorang, meh sini I nak cakap dengan you, be careful what we write in the eyes of the public. Sebagai law student yang tidak pass, I tahulah sikit-sikit mana and apa yang kita takleh tulis. You carut orang, orang boleh charge you with common assault, you ugut orang..nak lempang, nak hempuk..nak hantar tambi estet...kan ke threatening behaviour tu. Disebabkan I ni kerja memerlukan CRB (this msg goes to you too, Izuan) maka hati yang panas dan tangan yang ringan untuk mendusyum kepala puak-puak tertentu terpaksa disimpan didalam peti saja. So, janganlah sesuka nak membuat criminal record ye???? Maka, takut lah kita kepada Criminal Record Bureau itteww....(Izuan..tahan aje lah hati dgn SomSomPakPak tu...)

Kepada semua mangsa pergaduhan...I rasa, cara paling effective untuk menangani masalah ni ialah....kalau orang buat hal kat kita via angin lalu i.e. kita hanya mendengar dan mengesyaki perbuatan jahat orang melalui jalan angin (mulut la kannn) maka, tidak ada gunanya nak berpanas hati dan menyerang balas. Satu, kita tak tahu apa yang kita dengar tu betul. Kalaulah betul pun...situkang bawak mulut tu, perlukah nak mengadu domba? Kita dengar cerita orang itu..kita dengar cerita orang ini. Apa kita buat dengan cerita-ceriti itu? Kita cerita dengan hosmet kita yang tak tahu benda pun...dan berpakat gelak ramai-ramai. Bukan apa you, kelakar. You jumpa orang tu jugak pusing2 kampung...pastu you cakap hal dia. Dia pun cakap hal you dengan orang yang dia kenal jugak. Lepas tu rasa ketidakpuasan hati dari sikit jadi sebesar Notre Dame. Yang kesian nya, orang yang tukang dengar...selalu jadi mangsa.

Kepada adik-adik...yang berada nun jauh (via Eurostar) di Parits & Brussels. Selagi kita tak dengar mulut orang mencemuh kita dengan telinga kita sendiri, maka anggaplah itu suara syaitan. Jangan buat FB macam nursery playground. Kalau orang yang membawa mulut, itu adalah masalah orang yang bawa mulut tu dengan situkang cerita nya. Bila hati panas, kita boleh dan senang jadi paranoid. Kita rasa semua orang sakit hati dengan kita. Hal you tak puas hati dengan orang,tak payahlah nak dikirai untuk tatapan umum. You know the truth sudah la...

I ni selalu sangat terbabit. Bencik taww. Dulu ada orang Doha, camni gak pesen nya. Adu domba sana sini...lepas I tegur, diam pulak. Kepada sipemangsa, janganlah jadi mangsa kepada orang yang boleh dipersoalkan kapasiti akal pikirannya.

Some get over defensive....just because you think you serve the right to express what you think, you justify the fact that you can question others standing. Pe halll?

Mulut ni susah betul nak dijaga kenkadang....apa yang diniat baik, kenkadang tak selalunya keluar dengan baik. Tapi yang penting hati misti mau baik..walaupun mulut macam longkang tersumbat kan???

When altercation involves people I know, ada jugak case yang I paksarela tawww kena involves. Kosser. Jagalah adab dengan kata-kata yang kita keluarkan kepada kawan-kawan. Dulu ada budak PHD ni (tetappp ni nak guna contoh) dok maki-maki panggil orang unta la..apa lah. Buat apa? You jatuhkan kehormatan diri you sendiri. Orang hanya lebih simpati kalau kita redha dengan kecelakaan yang tuhan nak uji kat kita. Nasib baik dia tak marah bila kena tegur...

Jangan panggil orang atau samakan orang dengan Dajjal. Awak kan perlu menjaga akhlak semasa menunaikan tanggungjawab ni? Kita tak tahu apa nasib kita..selamat ke kita..bahagia ke kita. Kita tak tahu. Saya hanya cakap mengikut pengalaman.

Saya tiada istilah potong kek. Saya akan berkata-kata bila saya berasa perlu dan kasihan. Baguslah kalau kita tak mintak dikasihan orang, tapi kalau orang nak kesian kan kita, kita terimalah kerana itu rezeki. Saya kasihan kerana pergaduhan atas rasa salah faham ataupun mulut samsu haram adalah bodoh.

Pun begitu kepada kawan-kawan saya...silalah jangan gaduh dengan saya ye? Saya tahu lah saya buruk akhlak, tapi kita duduk jauh dari makbapak...dan kita mungkin memerlukan antara kita (dan karipap & pulut kuning Makji Eton)

Kepada Kiah...who I bear no barrier to maki hamun kutuk pitnah, and still the one who loves me enough to be a back up driver...nantilah ceklat dan Walkers crisps mu. Kau tak nak ke McCoy crisps?

Bersabar lah..ber maaf maafan lah..dan...kepada my friend yang berkempen kat pesbuk tu, udah udah lah. Ko tak malu ke orang kiri kanan menengok ko meghoyan sensorang???

Ciaooo.

Update

Sudah-sudah lah mintak darah...update la blog mu ittew. Kalau aku yang terdelay, sampai ke FB kau menuntut ye????


I will be flying to see my MC in few weeks time. We haven't seen each other for almost 5 months. Tersangatlah lama. Timing wasn't good for both of us to travel. Well, perjanjian setan jahanam nya ialah 3 bulan sekali. But orang tu janji nak ber summer dengan I. Ni dah nak masuk winter, batang hidung dia yang mancung tak jugak sampai kerumah pipi yang I yang tersorong-sorong ni. Biarlah dia....nanti satu hari yang permai...I akan merajuk tahap gajah afrika and membuat keputusan yang rasional lagi memecah kan hati.


I have decided to take up clinical work again after mengambil cuti rehat selama dekat setahun. Well, I was focussing my energy on MC and I think when our mind is occupied with something else, it is hard to offer mental protection for others. I don't get to fall in love many time in my life but enough to know that membuka ruang dalam hati kita untuk orang lain adalah satu process yang menyerupai membuka tin cacing. Our weaknesses are flashed in front of our very eyes. We do thing that we are likely to advise others NOT to do in the similar situation. We said yes when we know is a big NO. We want to move mountains and we want everything to fall into places.

Why do we do this? Love professed are no longer sufficient without some convincing action. Some people think action is not required but mutual understanding does. How often do you say what you think?

I am not fed up. Well, sometime I feel it but I rapidly washed that thoughts of my mind..again and again.

Dalam hati musti ada cinta....kalau lah tak ada, pi mampus lah kan? We often wonder why people does silly things...with exception that woman who had her daughter abused and killed by the boipren. But nowadays, susah la nak analyse the strength of love. Mak pun dah boleh buang baby dia sendiri, bapak pun dah boleh taruk anak dia sendiri...ish!

Well, selagi hati I ada cinta...after 16 years and after very unimpressive presentation...maka hati ini akan bersabar lah.

Raya & News

How rude am I...tak de langsung nak mengucapkan Selamat Hari Raya kat korang kan? Hehehe...sorry lah ye. Dikala you all sibuk membuat persiapan raya, merebus ketupat bagai and bermain ngecunnn, I pulak sibuk kena kerah beli barang untuk majlis rumah terbuka I. Tau-tau dah raya you....

So, marilah kita bermaaf-maafan atas segala keterlanjuran kata, freedom of opinion, fitnah melulu (this only applies to budak TKC) dan teguran nasihat yang tak dimintak tapi beri sesuka suki hati.

I was a bit distracted by the news prior to Raya. The lawyer that was kidnapped later killed is a family friend. Mulut I mmg la lancang nya you all.....I was skyping with a friend, and was wishing her well in her business venture and I said, I hope you will be rich and famous like Sosilawati Lawiya. My friend said...alhamdulillah, but pastu cakap, eh takut lah..nanti kena culik pulak. I pun sambung la...this is 2 days before raya or so...I pun kata, I rasa macam diorang tu dah kena bunuh aje...

Isk. Bukan lah I nak doa orang-orang tu kena bunuh, but this is such a stage kidnap that victims are unlikely to be released unharmed. Walaupun sokabar dok la kata selamat lah, tu lah ni lah...but this is not like cerita Datuk Sosilawati & kengkawan tu pi ekspedisi menaiki Gunung Jerai and tersesat jalan kannn?

Al-Fatihah. The story afterwards was sad. It is very heartbreaking to lost the one you love before or masa raya. Those are the raya that you will remember.Allah sayangkan mereka...walaupun mengikut berita, dipukul and ditunuk dengan taik kambing sampai tinggal ketul2 tulang aje. The Datuk yang kena bunuh tu dah selalu kena tipu tapi dengarnya bersabar saja. Maybe, Allah tak nak dia kena tipu lagi.

Seeing the murder and mastermind suspects, made me a racist. And I will continue be a racist to these buggers until they are hanged.

Pastu, ada pulak budak sekolah yang hilang sampai makpak risau and report polis. Tau tau boleh pulak hantar message kat mak kata selamat. Balik aje lah rumah dek oiii...yang kau gatal nak lari pesal? Bila lah diorang ni nak belajar, yang lari ngikut boifren..gi Taiping ke, Lombok ke..CyberChendering ke..tak kan mendatang kan hasil? Apa punya jantan yang sanggup nak ajar anak orang lari dari rumah?

Tup-tup..dalam pada kita semua dok terkejut and sedih and menunggu-nunggu perkembangan terbaru kes bunuh ni, keluar pulak cerita Nomang Haking bertunang dengan Memek kannnn? Adakah kita akan menyambut berita ini dengan gumbira, Kiah???? Ermm...let's see, bini orang tu dulu sarat mengandung, ko kacau laki nya. Tak kisah lah siapa kacau siapa..but, kalau kita dah tahu orang tu terang-terangan dah ada bini, buat hapalah kau sambut salam chenta nya???? Dah le kau sambut salam chenta or memberi salam chenta, boleh steady pulak kau tak mengaku kannn? Ko kata pulak bini tu yang paranoid la..menghoyannn la. Hah..tuhan nak tunjuk (and orang lain dah lama ngintip) maka tertangkap lah kamu dalam keadaan basah nya.

Moga berbahagialah hendak nya ye....

Kiah, selamat hari raya. I lap yu tuuuu.

Ada Orang Berperangai Malam Tadi...

Hosmet saya kata.......

Sejak saya ada gewe, saya sudah lain. Saya tanya..lain macam mana?
Lain laaa....selalu duduk dalam bilik saja sekerang ni. Dah tak nak borak-borak. (Ermm....sejak bila pulak saya rajin berborak?)

Lagi? Sejak you ada gewe ni...sudah tak mau tengok TV dengan kitorang lagi...(kitorang tu, dia dua orang lah) Saya cakap...ye ke? Bukan ke kita semua tak pernah tengok TV sama-sama sebab you yang selalu simpan remote control dan balik-balik tengok CSI, Bola, NCIS, Criminal Mind, Wrestling Pompuan/Jantan ganas etc? Dia cakap...mana ada? (Elehh...tak ngaku pulak)

Saya cakap..tak delah. Saya dok dalam bilik sebab saya penat. Lagipun...saya kan bangun awal nak pi kerja and selalu balik lambat dan kerja tak serupa orang? So, masa lapang saya...saya tido lah. Tak pun..saya main masak-masak dalam FB. Tak kan you tak tau?

Hosmet cakap...kita dah lama tak keluar sama-sama. Saya tanya balik, selalu ke kita keluar sama-sama? Dia cakap..err, selalu jugak. Saya tanya balik...kita pergi mana ye? Dia jawab...kita kan selalu pergi mana-mana...

Saya cakap...mana ada. Dulu sebelum kita pindah rumah sebelah taman rusa besar ni, you all (hosmet-hosmet saya) selalu berjanji nak jalan-jalan dan picnic kat taman. Tapi...dah setahun kita dok kat sini...dan paling jauh you both pernah pergi dengan berjalan kaki ialah kedai ayam goreng kat bawah sana tu. Saya yang sorang-sorang dok jalan kaki/naik basikal pi taman besar tu. Saya sambung lagi...bila saya ajak, semua tunjuk muka sembelit. Saya ajak gi gym yang dah tersedia ada dalam kawasan rumah pun, tunjuk muka sembelit jugak. Tapi cita-cita nak jadik Elle McPherson. Elle McPherson tu bukannya bersenam dalam mimpi and bangun-bangun terus slim melim, kata saya.

Hosmet cakap lagi. Katanya, sejak saya ada gewe...saya sudah sombong dan tak pedulik dengan nya. Saya tanya...tak pedulik macam mana? Dia jawab...tak pedulik lah. Saya cakap...err, that is a blanket answer. Be specific la...apa yang saya tak peduli nya... kan ke saya masih buat tanggungjawab saya dalam rumah ni (basuh kain, buang sampah dan kemas bilik saya sendiri)

Hosmet saya cakap...you dah tak beli prezenggg pun kat I. You beli untuk orang tu aje. I cakap, ye lah..besday dia, mestilah saya beli prezenggg. Birthday you pun that day kan saya dah bawak gi tempat makan yang posh tu. lagipun, kalau you nak hadiah yang best-best, you kan boleh mintak kat orang putih tu. Dia cakap..orang putih tu kedekut. Saya cakap...you ni perangai buruk la. Orang putih tu selalu kasik you pocket money...sekarang you cakap dia kedekut pulak. Pastu saya menambah lagi...siapa yang naik bus dan siapa yang pakai keta BMW dalam rumah ni? Kenapa saya jadik tukang beli prezeng? So, prezeng saya siapa nak beli? Dah le saya punya besday prezeng camera DSLR tu saya beli sendiri......

Hosmet saya itu menarik muka. Saya cakap..suka hati you lah. Dia pun menambah, you sekarang nak buat I cam anak tiri aje. Kalau you lapar, I lah yang you cari mintak masak kan tu ini (wahhhh...mengungkit)

Saya pun pandang dia. Okay...you nak apa sebenarnya ni?

Iphone 4. Boleh takkkk?

Question: Adakah dia jeles...or just simply a spoilt Big Madam?

Entry Malu

Nah lah Kiah....nak hupdate sangat kannn? Jahat tau main ugut-ugut!

Semenjak 2,3 menjak ni, I dah jadik personal counsellor pulak kat sorang my fren ni. Kita ni sebenarnya takleh nak me mixed kan business with pleasure. But in her situation, since she is quite near self destruction, I cubalah nasihat mana-mana yang boleh nasihat. But mind you, bagi nasihat kat kawan, samalah dengan attempt to lalu depan rumah orang Cina yang ada anjing garang, however quiet you pussy-foot your step, the risk of anjing tu terbangun lalu meyalak dengan kuatnya..worst still, kita juga adalah vulnerable menjadi mangsa gigitan and cakaran anjing ittew.

The more I nasihat my fren ni, the obvious dialah yang bermasalah nya...but bila kepala dah serabut, it is so hard to make any sense nevermind, admitting the fact yang diri sendiri jugalah adalah satu punca masalah nya.

Tapikan you alls....sementelah I ni berangan bagus nak jadik relationship and life coach counsellor kat kawan I ni, maka tersedarlah oleh diri ini yang, I pun sama jugak teruknya.I often say, terimalah orang seadanya. Appreciate his/her weakness.

I have been quite jauh hati with MC since kejadian tunjuk perasaan yang lebih kepada aksi terencat akal dalam Skype sometime last month or so. Orang tu nak pergi out station and I could have picked a better time to pick up a bone dengan dia. Seperti biasa, one of MC's quality..ye Kiah...quality...is tak cakap banyak. Susah I nak agak apa yang dia pikir, dia rasa etc. The fact that dah la tak nampak depan mata, lagilah menyusahkan dan mengeruhkan suasana.

I like to keep the details of us very, very private sebelum Kiah muntah...and since dah ada ugutan nak hide kan status I dari FB nya (oiii..yang kau tu..kemain lagi dengan scandal mu, merajuk nampak comel la konon..ingat, hatiku yang mungil ni tak terusik kah???) but I think, I should really write this down and tell myself that I should really practise what I preached.

To have a relationship with someone who is not physically around is as bad as having constant suspicious mind dengan laki or boipren kita yang didepan mata yang ada criteria menjadi Bapak Ayam. Thing that I always tell myself is that, andai kata I ada relationship, I ni tidaklah akan menyusahkan kepala hotak I dengan menjeruk hati memikirkan yang my lover tu ada affair dengan lain-lain makhluk. My mother always say...kalau laki kita nak mencari pompuan lain, dihalang cemana pun, dia akan cari juga. Biarkan aje lah. Her words is ringing true. She has never (ni yang I tak nampak laa) worried about benda-benda camni although she has enough evident nak naik minyak and panggil reporter Melodi ke hapa. Sabarlah sahaja....isk, dia boleh la bersabar...I doubt I can top her on that. Kalau tak de tenaga I nak terajang, maka harus ku upah kaki pukul ke or penembak jarak jauh dekat, once you crossed me. Tu diah!!!

I realised that after all this time, MC is still the same person...yang tak cakap banyak dan banyak menggunakan kaedah telepathy dalam ber communicate dengan I. Ye lah..dulu nampak depan mata...sekarang, dah le time difference ada 7 to 8 hours...and I would have expected that all these years, we both have learned so much about the past, maka...bila kita dah reconnected, make extra effort lah kan? Harammmm takde makna. So I have become a hopeless moaner, sampai aku pun naik menyampah dengan diri aku sendiri. Everytime I moan..I started to feel like an old woman who never had enough. Dah tak nampak muka tu satu hal...ditambah pula dengan orang yang kita syiok gila tu bangsa mempunyai hati dan emosi sesejuk ikan Salmon di Tasik Scotland itu lagilah memecahkan kepala.

So we got a bit tense...MC wanted a space, counter attacking yang I ni terlampau banyak sangat mintak attention, and that is something that is hard to give at this moment. Sadis you all.....I thought that was it. I was so sad. I don't love many people but the one that I really love always broke my heart. So we stop talking for few days. In fact, after that we don't talk very much.Nak space sangat kan kau...

I realised that I was hoping too much and the two of us are such a different person put together.But again, opposite attracts, kan?? We talk when we have time and when dia rasa dia nak cakap dengan I. Okaylah...merungut benda yang sama pun tak guna, so I ikut aje style dia. Now and again, I moaned. Still...but a hopeless moan. For about a month, I was in the dark...about where I stand, and with who am I having a relationship with. I told MC, I feel like I am having this relationship alone. MC...masih diam and tak cakap apa-apa.

This is when I started to busy myself with kerja yang adalah sikit pekdah walaupun ada potensi nak cari gaduh dengan kawan I lagi sorang ni. Apparently katanya, laki dia pun macam tu juga, and she felt so alone in her marriage. I keep asking her to take control and suggest what could possibly be her partner's anxiety. Things with MC become okay lah sikit in meantime, bila aku kurang merengek mintak attention kan...

While I'm making progress with my fren ni...ternampak dah perubahan laki nya, sejak I suruh dia menukar approach communication nya, I become so unsure about me and MC. Dengan ini I mintak jasa baik MB1 yang nak balik KL masa awal puasa that day...I told MB1, I am a bad judge of character, so you pergilah keluar dengan MC. I dah cakap dengan diri I sendiri, kalau MB1 balik and advise me to forget about MC and move on, so I will. MC is like Shamsul all over. I can't do this anymore. Chenta pun chenta la...but I'm sure I will see through the period of crash and burn.

MB1 came back with information that I already knew. The choice is, if I want this, and this is it. MC will not change. MC is not the type of person who will change for anyone. I am hoping for something different. I am hoping for MC to be the one like what I always wanted. Really, if I still want this relationship, the choice is with me. So I decided to see how things goes. Kalau I tahan, tahan lah...since hati masih ada bunga-bunga chenta. I'm sure one day, if this is not right and I will see sense.

I was taken seriously ill 2 days ago.Dalam pada I was heavily sedated, MB1 told me that MC called. My reaction was dalam pisat-pisat tu...eh..sayang jugak dia kat I. After few hours, I texted MC. MC said, I want to talk to you. So we skype. This is after 3 weeks of not seeing each other.

So we talked about what happened to me. MC stumbled upon the information by chance and raked with worry yang I tak dapat dicontact since morning. Then I pun cakap la...mmg I nak bagi tau you, but maybe later la, you pun busy kan...lagipun, I don't think this matters, since you pun lately ni, cakap pun macam nak tak nak je dengan I sekarang....

The whole 2 hours I saw different side of MC. I did not say many words like I used too.

See, all this time...I dok cakap dengan orang...terimalah kekurangan partner kita. Some people are not blessed with criteria jiwang karat, some people have their own special way of showing how they feel. I ended up feeling really bad, guilty and malu pun ada...betapa selfish nya I pikir I sorang aje lahhh yang dok terseksa jiwa raga batin tak kena pedulik.

But the truth is, this is what I always wanted....orang yang tak menyekat hak asasi I..and orang yang sayang macam nak mampus kat I.

I said to MC because we are far, I think I am somehow dependant on words and promises. Yes..I live in wonderland. But being selfish that I am, I overlooked the fact yang ada orang tak dilatih meng express dirinya macam pop corn.

So, without prompting..MC said things (yang I am dying to hear) that are so sweet to my ears (and ego) things like...I think about you from the time I opened my eyes til I sleep. And I have to tell you that MC tu susahhhh la nak cakap menda2 camni, so ini bukan lah script drama swasta ye...

So yes Kiah, atas rasa malu yang bukan kepalang kepada diriku sendiri, maka status FB ku ittew ialah untuk orang ittew. I felt so bad that while I have accepted other people weakness and strength, I have neglected MC and hoping and demanding dia tu menjadi orang lain.

Feel free to hide me Kiah.

(But, it won't kill jugak kan Kiah, kalau dia tunjuk lah sikit kat kita ni yang kita ni ujud)

Musings

Maka minggu depan adalah Hari Raya dan saya akan menyambutnya dengan Diva Parits. Well, bermaknalah sikit kan...since it's too expensive nak balik raya kat Paroi Jaya this year. Kalau orang tanya, kenapalah raya pun nak berkira..it's a one off blah..blah..blah...well, kalau dah rega ticketnya seghopa rega 2 x ticket balik KL, baik balik KL 2 kali, ye tak? Lagipun..raya daah sah-sah nya akan kena cukai dek anak-anak buah and anak-anak buah bau kambing yang secara tetibanya pulak masa raya ni menjadi sedara rapat.


Semenjak bulan posa ni, badan I jadi letih sungguh. There's hardly any energy left after iftar and I terus rasa nak gugur aje atas katil and tup-tup terus bangun sahur at that nick of time, yang minum air and makan pisang je yang sempat nya. I don't know tah beberapa hari dah posa I yang terbatal but I was so determine to 'qualify' kan that puasa. Prior to Ramadhan, I had a blood test and as a result, I am now on specific medication until the symptom reda balik. I thought, since my cousin yang Dr tu and my amma yang ex Nurse ittew dah tegur, I gagahkan diri jugak pi sedekahkan 8 botol kecik darah I kat lab.


The side effectnya ialah bahan perlupusan I menjadi keras, so ditambahkan dengan puasa yang terkurang air, maka jadi simen la kannn. Ada 2,3 kali jugak I kena sodom belakang I dengan tropedo ittew. Ustazah Kiah kata puasa tak batal...I pun rasa camtu...tapi orang sekeliling I semua kata batal. I gagah jua tahan puasa until waktu berbuka. 2,3 hari ni rasa lain semacam..and adalah 2,3 kali jugak I kena sedut salbutamol tu. Orang kata puasa dah batal...but, I puasa gak sampai petang. Nasib lah.

Hari ni tadi, I decided to memotong kek gaya pesbuk dengan seorang kawan express I yang juga bini kepada adik I. I selalu ngumpat dia dalam hati..dan juga adalah sekali dua dalam blog ni. Padahal budak tu takde salah apa pun dengan I, its just that I kurengg gemor sikit dengan aksi-aksi penulisan terlampaunya yang I seringkali terpaksa membaca nya dalam pesbuk. Udah ku hide, namanya muncul jua...ye lah, dah berkawan dgn orang yang sama..camtu lah kan.

I ni, ada jugak unexplainable perangai huduh...and this is one of them. Orang nak baik dengan kita..kita pulak rasa cuak hati. Kenapalah I resent sangat orang-orang ni..Tuhan aje lah yang tahu. Adakah aku seorang yang 'snob' Kiah?

There's like a tinge of hypocrisy....I am always for equal opportunity. Ye lah, kerja dengan SoSIAL services, tu la motto etika kerja nya pun. People have equal rights. But one can't help to have personal preference kan?

In the past I have accepted many express mates...kawan orang ini..yang juga kawan I...ter absorb jadik kawan I. Some I got on very well. Kawan ni macam chemical jugak kan...ada yang boleh serasi..ada yang dah jumpa, menyesal pulak and sumpah tak nak jumpa lagi. But I'm sure everyone is nice. I kot yang ada problem....

Bini adik I tu, few days jugak la I was agonising over nak cakap dengan dia direct ka or meneruskan perbuatan terkutuk I yakni mengumpat hal dia dengan 2 lagi kakak ipar nya.While the other 2 kakak ipar ni bangsa tak kisah (cakap tak kisah..tapi kat I you pi cerita tahap kemeloya an kau dengan orang tu..buat apa?) I told the other 2 kakak ipar..that I want to tell her how I feel, but kakak ipar yang 2 orang ni kata..janganlah..nanti suaminya yang kecik ati. Tahan punya tahan...ye lah bila hati sudah nyampah...orang gelak hikhikhik pun kita rasa cam nak lempang kan. So aku remove lah si pompuan itu. Puas hati ku. But I still don't know why I have this instant dislike towards her.....

Ada yang sorang ni pulak.....baik..ikhlas nak berkawan nampak gaya nya....but my instinct kata...I'm better off without the friendship. Ada jugak ura-ura nak membabi disebalik kuehtiau, but I was feeling so uneasy about doing it, tuhan pun tahu agaknya langsung dibukakan I peluang tempat lain so tak payah la I nak menggunakan orang ini.

Tapi..adakah dia tak perasan yang I dah menyombong dengannya tahap gaban? Ohh...kenapalah perangai ku huduhh begini...

Sekian.