Mari....Meng 'google' Kekasih Lama

I was really bosan berdarah (bak kata N bukan nama sebenar tu..eh makcik, apa nama kau sebenarnya ni? Rosnah Mat Aris ke or Norish Karman?) pasa suatu ketika yang ku tak hingat bila and I pun mulalah membuat research-research tak perlu dalam internet.

The beauty of the world wide web.I was googling kisah-kisah hangat, orang-orang hangat and gambar-gambar hangat. Kiah, I am not downloading gambar separa bogel ye? Why should I? Kalau takat nak tengok pink n*pples,dalam Sun banyak. Dalam daily Sport jangan kata lah. Kat kedai Kelly tepi jalan, magazine-magazine on the top shelf tu penuh dengan reading-reading materials kesukaan Kiah. Pompuan jantan tak cukup kain. So to google internet for that materials kiranya dah tak bermakna lah Kiah oii. (pssst...adakah kau mau aku kirimkan kau satu?)

I am quick to run out things to find out and mulalah tangan start to type nama-nama orang yang pada suatu masa tu penting dalam hidup I tu. I googled the late, keluar lah articles pasal his work (my ex was with the electrical technology) yang aku sungguh tak berminat nak baca. See, I happen to know Engineers, even my sister is one, but apart from making the victim (of the Engineering world) turning into arrogant bastard (sambil pose tutup-tutup muka kat kengkawan Engineer) you people have the most boring job. Nothing to gossip about.

So biasalah...lepas satu, satu. Did I said, I pernah dating dengan satu Mamat ni, well, masa chenta baru berputik tu (his side la, bukan aku) he was a budding businessman on the verge of becoming a millionaire.

All my friends lectured me into becoming steady with him. Ye lah...masa tu my choice of BF semuanya sewel-sewel belaka (or aku yang sewel) ada yang bercinta bertahun-tahun buat penat tak kawin and after that, seorang budak hingusan ni yang bercinta meleleh pulak dengan I sampai I naik semput, tak sempat turun kapalterbang, dah menunggu dengan bunga-bunga ditangan....depan-depan kengkawan puaka I. Bila dah solo ni mulalah terkenang balik, what more could a girl ask for, dah ada yang sanggup tak tido malam, tak makan, tak minum and mandi tak basah and with his meagre salary, sanggup tu berhabis beli bunga, hantar bunga to me.Only I am not a bunga person and his gesture really made me semput and suffocated!

Then, I was introduced to this guy from Kelantan, a successful contractor, driving flashy cars.Kita orang pompuan ni selalunya kalau dah selalu sangat unlucky, bila dah jumpa yang kelaku hok molek-molek tu (this guy, eligible,avaliable, kaya...pendek sikit from me) patutnya bersyukur lah kan?

Yes I was, at first.I thought, this is the time lah I nak menunjuk dengan sedara mara ku, dapek gak den menyambar orang kaya.He often left his flashy cars with me bila dia pergi business trip and kereta mahal dia tu ku gunakan untuk mengangkut kengkawan gi makan kat Uptown. Although being with him actually making me menjilat balik kata-kata ku di zaman Jurassic dulu (I shall NOT be associated with orang Kelantan), I thought, now is the good time to learn the lesson to not speaking too soon or out of turn..(speaking of which, I did tried 'aku mencikkk Raja Nazrin...',tak jugak dia kawin dengan aku kan Kiah?) So, I was really busting my gut to go out with him (walau hati tak berkenan) but bak kata orang-orang tua, maka kita orang pompuan kalau nak carik laki, biarlah yang sayang lebih kat kita...heh!

The more I tried....the more hatiku tertutup. Suddenly everything about him is annoying.I made him cry, I made him sad...I made him angry.He was such a controlling git, sampaikan dia sanggup tu pi carik I dalam DV8 (ada lagi ke tempat ni) and siap pre warned me every Friday night, 'kalau sayo tahhhuuu awok tubik gi Disco, sayo ake maghi tarik awok keluarrrr'. Cih...berani nya dia warning-warning I camtu?

I never tried to be a good girlfriend anyway so in the end he just got fed up and that made it easier, but I can't help feeling guilty tailing him along...for a good one year.

I left for Melbourne without even telling him...and after that, I heard that he made his millions.

So just now, I googled him. He is a CEO of his own company (goodness, there's more than just making houses) and tambah memecahkan jiwa, he is a 'Datuk' now.

I don't know if he is still single. He was a choosy man.

But still, kalaulah....again I never know if we jadi dulu, now ni dia dah start mengorat artis mana nak dibuat bini nombor 2,3.Orang kaya lah katakan...

p/s I got his email address. (ceh..awok dah panda komputer deh lo ni?)

Aku, Dia Dan Makcik Pakiam

Weh..siapakah dia? Dia adalah psychiatrict nurse (CPN) for makcik Pakiam. Apakah kena mengena dia dalam kisah I dengan Makcik Pakiam ini? Banyak kena mengenanya...although I am assigned to work with Makcik Pakiam, si CPN ni adalah orang yang bertanggungjawab terhadap Makcik Pakiam dalam sepital ittew dan dengan dia lah aku kena buat janji sebelum bertemujanji dengan Makcik Pakiam.Dan dia ni...macam siyallll perangainya!!!!

I really hate to think that one's profession can assume one's personality.But selalunya nurse-nurse yang jaga OG, selalunya gils-gils gak. Tak gils pun, perangai macam orang gils. Iskk..jahat mulut I. Before, ni set-set orang yang tak kenal I lah ni, yang selalu ingat kerja I ni meng 'analyse' orang, padahal taknak ke tanya diri sendiri tu, kau tu lawa ke, popular ke or interesting sungguh ke untuk aku berminat? Blah lah lu. It is just sad and bad that we Social Worker are assigned to pick up the bad pieces is people's life.Kena gunakan kekuasaan sendiri bila seseorang tu dah tak ada capacity nak menjaga hal ehwal dirinya sendiri.

Si CPN ni, I have resigned to calling him Robert Mugabe (he is Zimbabwean you...) dah dua kali menyakitkan hati I.Just because kau ada nursing qualifications, kau memandang rendah betul kat kami-kami yang although takde lah belajar cara-cara memegang syringe or menebuk rectum to insert diazepam, tapi kami taulah bila masa seswai/tak seswai seseorang tu patut di sedate.

My meeting with Makcik Pakiam the other day wasn't a fruitful one.Pasalnya, Makcik telah didadahkan oleh Robert Mugabe ini.Pasalnya? Nurse-nurse kat secure unit tu dah terjumpalah spliff ganja dalam ward Makcik Pakiam ni. So kononlah nya sebagai pembasmi anti dadah, si Nurse ittew telah merampas dadah tu dengan rakus nya.Okaylah...saya terima itu adalah regulation hospital, no illegal substance is allowed but, dah tau Makcik Pakiam ni berpenyakit and pulak tu ada appoinment dengan aku, perlu ke nak dipanaskan hatinya? Slow talk-slow talk dah lah...jumpa dadah, okay...lay down the rules, cakap dengan dia baik-baik.Takyah ugut, takyah buat drama rampasan dadah merbahaya depan-depan orang.Bila orang tu mengamuk bahan dia kena rampas, nak mudah kerja, kau bagi dia cucukan berapi tu ye? Siapa yang susah? Aku jugak.

When I saw Makcik Pakiam, she was already in a straight jacket, looking at me longingly...obviously under the influence of entah berapa mg Diazepam. I can understand if you decided to sedate someone bila dia datang acu pisau ke dengan kau, tapi kalau takat menjerit maki hamun main tolak-tolak, takkanlah sampai nak bagi ubat pelali kot? Ingat gajah liar ke?

I questioned Robert Mugabe's decision to allow her to be sedated.Robert Mugabe kata it was really necessary. I cakap kat Robert Mugabe, she was not dangerous.

'But she brought cannabis in, that's illegal. If she keeps doing that, she is going to have a relapse.'

'She is already on anti-psychotic, to have relapse after a few spliff is highly unlikely. Why can't you just segregate her for her to calm down.It is probably all her built up anxieties'

'I know what I am doing'

'I'm not saying you don't, but I'm just wondering why you have to sedate her just because of that.It is not like she is wielding knife'

'I don't appreciate your comment'

'I am in the capacity to give my opinion. I will be speaking to the Consultant about this'

'Suit yourself'

Ptuihh..suit yourself katanya kat I? Siaplah kau nanti. I spent 15 minutes alone with Makcik Pakiam. Nothing much to do dengan dia ala-ala Zombie mode tu. I got a closer look. To my horror, Makcik Pakiam body is full of scar and one very distinguish one under her chin. Ala-ala kena pisau githoo.

She is the same age as me. She was young, she was happy and she was sane.Thinking to what extent people can set out to ruin your life really scares me.And this is from the people who are suppose to be loving her the most.

I used to think my Ayahanda begitu kejam merotan I dengan kayu hockey (pasal I sepak my sister) but I don't think he will sampai hati to inflict such pain to me...and he will not force me to marry someone I don't love.

Amma, Appa...I lap you.

Update

I have stop speaking to F since the last 2 weeks.Panjang cerita you all.....

So this year takde nya Valentine, special meals or bunga-bunga cinta lestari berserta cekelat from the other half.Yilek.Nada.

The last time we spoke, the decision has been made.I was not the one who made the decision.

So today, I was allowed to go back to the flat to collect my things. The flat was emptied between 12 to 3pm for me to come over and for us not too bump into each other.

I only managed to pack my hair dryer, posts, few shirts and socks and toiletries. I was out after 1/2 hour.

Everything was exactly where they are. I left a note telling that I can't pick up all. I also said that I was sad and cried.

Throughout the day, I tried hard not to make anymore empty promises. In the end, nobody tried anything.

Maybe this is for the best.

Update

Mr Reading prodigy has finally (agaknya lah!!!) come to his senses.

Let me start this with a little note to all, I am very bad with mobile phone. I don't spend money on it, in fact, I got it for free from Bodakfone. I have been with Bodakfone since 2000 and with all their loyalty scheme, I now received 500 texts, 750 minutes free calls to any mobile networks and FREE calls to landline. Because I refuse to carry work mobile, my opis eneded up paying my mobile bill. So, everything is free for me. Tapi orang tu, janganlah nak sexcited gila nah...free calls does not entend to calling-calling orang or hantar text to KL. So, janganlah memalu gunakan YM or Skype to berborak dengan aku ye?

The connection between Abang Reading tu dengan cerita diatas ialah, the only mean of contact between us two ex school non-lovers is through mobile phone. Meh ni nak bagitau kat you all

1. I takde lunch break...I work all hours I am required to work and that I makan when I have time. So for those yang ingat that I can make time to chitchat during lunch break I, takde makna nya you. Kenkadang I makan lunch pukul 9 malam, tu pun kalau MB rajin nak masak. Tak pun, bila-bila I melintas depan Tesco, I akan rembat satu prawn salad and duduk kat bawah pokok bersila panggung ala-ala anak dara suntuk eating my lunch.

2. I ni takde fixed place of abode...working environment wise. I have been allocated 25 cases and they are all scattered around London. So, I jarang ada kat opis and heavily depending on my mobile. Yang jadik masalahnya pulak, I ni pekak. Bila I dengar telepon bunyi, I selalu kata...ohh, that's yours. And even kalau I dengar mobile I bunyi, telepon tu tah diamnya dalam celah-celah bag berjenama NETTO I, and by the time I jumpa telepon tu, terus dah jadik missed call.

3. I am so bloody moody. Silap besarlah siapa yang telepon masa I baru keluar meeting yang menyeksa jiwa raga.

4. I don't like strangers...pasalnya, orang yang I tak suka selalu menyamar jadi strangers pastu pakat-pakat telepon my mobile pakai nombor private. Wah!!!

So sesiapa yang telepon pahtu I tak jawab...or hantar message and most definitely I lupa jawab...maka maafkan diriku yang pelupa dan pemalas ini. Bukan you all aje, mak bapak I sendiri pun I tak tepon you...

I selalu dapat missed call and text mesages from Reading Prodigy tu. Out of 50, maybe 5 kali aje I replied. Bukannya hapa you all....kadang-kadang by the time I free, masa tu dah pukul 12 tengah malam. Orang jantan ni...nak nak yang set-set psycho ni, kalau nak ditelepon tu kenalah kita ni buat risk assessment bagai. Buatnya I ter call masa dia tengah memukul telur, tak ke naya? Worst still kalau I call dia masa dia tengah berjiwang-jiwang or ber kuciwa-kuciwa...tak ke lain jadik nya?

Ikutkan hati...nak aje memutuskan persahabatan. Tak kuasa dah nak dengar masalah rumahtangga dia tu. Kalau bangsa nak mendengar cakap takpa lah jugak. I keep thinking why aku masih kesian.

Why do women do it? Why do we remain ever hopeful? Why do we keep trying to be nice?

I talk to my colleague about him. Together, we try to analyse me and him...kenapa aku walaupun dah menyampah tahap gaban, tetaplah jugak nak maintain contact and orang tu, walaupun dah ku maki-seranah-hamun, tetap jua nak mencari-cari I.

My colleague reckoned dia syiok kat I...tapi bukan syiok genuine ni. Ye lah...bila kita dah desperate, apa saja pun akan disambar. We will flirt dengan anak kambing sekali pun, just to get out of being alone and there is a possibility that we need prove to ourselves yang kita ni masih ada aura Mawi..(cehh tu dia..mana aku dapat ayat ni?)

Come to think about it, the only thing that I heard since we been reconnected is about his wife. Desperate sungguh nak bagitau I betapa merana nya dia tu.

I have been out with guys that have been dumped. Yang serial dumpee pun ada. But most of them moved on lah...because they never talked about their ex. I think my chenta agung pun ada makwe masa dia kat ITM Arau dulu...he only mentioned it once (tu pun pasal aku tanya) and khabarnya, he talked about me to his ex wife...over and over.

So, on my way to meet Makcik Pakiam, and I have a little free time in my hand, I called him. With 5 missed calls and a weird sounded text from him. I decided, okaylah..telepon lah.

So, this time, he missed my call. So I left a message. I cakap dengan voice mailbox dia yang I received his text and now returning his call.

Just before midnight, he texted back....(aih..apasal dia tak enthusiastic pulak kali ni?)

'Hey, sorry for the late reply, but thanks for calling me. I know I have been a pain lately but it will be nice to catch up over coffee. Call me when you're free to meet'.

Wah..takde langsung unsur-unsur paksaan. Usually I am not that keen but Kiah is so desperate for continuity for his story, so I will make a coffee date soon...(tunggu aku balik bergaloks dari Hull lah noh?)

Cheerio!!!

Alasan Untuk Ku Percaya

Ceh tajuk...but I promise you, some years ago there was a drama titled the same on the telly...if I am not mistaken by Ajis Em Osmang.Tak ingat pulak lah if sedap ke tidak.

To rIEya, teruskanlah tengok criminal mind.What you said about using reverse psychology technique to betul lah...bukannya tak boleh pakai langsung, but obviously in Criminal Mind tu, such had to be used for patient with forensic mental health...obviously because you're after something like confession ke, apa ke.So senanglah nak prosecute kan? In my work, the only thing that we're after is the progress of their mental health, to the better...so saya tak memerlukan confession or any barang bukti or tanya kat mana sijahanam tu pi tanam pompuan-pompuan yang dia dah kidnap bagai.

Ada orang (and another orang) tu kata...dia busy melampau and takleh nak update blog.Harini ni tadi I nampak dia dah hupdate blog dia...but, who cares about tikus, monyet and hingus? Where's the usual moan, protest and grotesque? Still, orang got liberty to request that hupdate at least 3x sari.

And another orang...now ni suka benau main gertak-gertak ye? Bila I suruh dia buat blog sendiri...dia kata nanti dia takde cerita lain dok blogging pasal siamang sumbing nya.Tell you, cerita cam tu lah orang yang dahaga gossip and kata-kata perangsang ni nak baca sesangat.

Alasannnnnn sungguh...PHD lah, siamang sumbing lah...

I sebenarnya nak hupdate pasal si Jade Goody tu, ala...contestant Big Brother tah tahun berapa tah..and 2 years ago, dia sama mak dia and boifren dia pi pulak masuk Celebrity Big Brother. Tup-tup. pi gaduh lah pulak dengan Shilpa Shetty, hah kau..satu donia panggil dia racist! (Tapikan uols...at the risk of uols nyampah dengan I...Si Shilpa Shetty tu boleh tahan gak mengada nya, manalah orang tak bengang.Sekarang ni kat sini, orang tak berkulit putih kalau rasa tak kena aje mulalah menuduh kawum-kawum putih ni racist...tabbaik tau!)

Jade Goody ni actually masyhur kerna kebangangan dia...nak kata bangang sangat tu takdelah, ni semua bangsa low sense of vanity, benda yang rata-rata kita rasa malu dengan segan nak yunjuk kat orang, Makcik ni pulak tu diah tunjuk terang-terangan.Ala-ala Azean Irdawaty lah ni...pada suatu masa, hati pilu nak kena saman berjuta sebab langgar contract tah ke hapa...sampai orang kutip derma amal nak tolong bayar duit lawyer.I think somewhere in the line, si tukang sue tak nak proceed ke hapa, so terlepaslah Makcik Yan ni.Pastu pulak...Makcik Yan ni khabarnya pi lah tempat rawatan muka nak buat jerawat ke hapa...tup-tup tah hapa salah muka dia jadi mangkak and dia terus nak saman kedai tu although she was offered quite a hefty sum of apologetic gesture.(Muka kau yang tak kena...nak salah kan kedai lak!!!) Bila I baca that news, I tengok, muka dia takdelah rosak teruk gila tapi katanya demi prinsip, musti mau saman jua.

Teng-teng-teng....unfortunately for her, dia kena cancer.Kesian dia.With all the money she made since berlakon zaman Zainal Alam, she had to resort mengutip derma for her chemotheraphy.She was all out...selagi boleh nak tunjuk kepala botak, tunjuk.Biarlah satu dunia tahu Kak Yan ada cancer..huwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Jade Goody is now dying.While the sensible soul will want to use apa-apa saja masa yang terluang untuk bersama anak-anak and family, Jade still had time to be photograph for news, telly and mags.Ni dengarnya nak suruh boifren 5sen dia tu kawin dengan dia...biarlah dia merasa kawin dengan buah hati pengarang jantung and pencucuk ATM machine nya ittew. Mamat ni dah terang-terang pi cakap kat kawan2 dia yang dia ni suka kat Jade pasal pompuan ni berharta.

But you never know. I have nothing but very sympathy to both her and the boifren.Gaduh pun gaduh, tapi bila nak bercerai mati, knowing that you will never see that person again, sungguhlah akan memecahkan hati.

Same with Azean Irdawaty...dengarnya sakit balik.In remission katanya.Dalam I tak suka, facing death is the scariest thing.

I wish both of them well.I also wish my parents well and healthy.Silalah percaya kata-kata ku ini...

Update

This is my 500th post.

I have now return to London, hopefully for a definite period of time.Lepas ni, tak taulah kat mana lagi Boss nak hantar, but for sure, I'm untouchable for the next 16-20 weeks, while I am overseeing Makcik Pakiam.

Thanks for all your comments, yang tak terbalas...mana taknya, check blog pun via mobile phone (not sure if this statement bongkak sebab nak nunjuk yang kita ada mobile technology yang canggih) nama pun dah mobile phone, yang kecik ittew...nak baca komen pun naik buntang pulak bijik mata.

I think, RieYa suggested that I apply a repetitive pattern, yakni pi cakap kat Makcik Pakiam tu yang I pun pernah jadi mangsa (tah hapa-hapa mangsa nya) so that she could open up more. Hate to tell you this RieYa, but just in case adalah sesapa kengkawan you mintak nasihat ke, or apa-apa yang memerlukan pengorbanan emosi you, janganlah sekali-kali memakai teknik ini.You can identify with people's problem...but that's it.Selalunya, terlampau repetitive and transer identification will draw more and more attention to you rather than people you should be listening to.Tak semua orang nak open up to people yang senasib dengan mereka as they will see you in the different light altogether i.e. sama lemah cam dia jugak laa...takpun, dia akan rasa you curik petir dia...kan ke dia yang sebenarnya mintak dikasihani?

Hah..Yanz pulak suruh bagitau nama sebenar Makcik Pakiam....bukannya dia baca blog ni pun.Hehehe...kelakar kau.But, the confidentiality remain.I ada jugak terbaca blog-blog yang probably intended to share their experience as a skilled worker, whatever field they're in.I believe even if you blog anonymously, rahsia orang, kesulitan orang takyah lah nak ditunjuk terang-terangan.Unless if you really feel that it is helpful and beneficial to your readers.

Speaking of which, blog I pun takde yang boleh dijadikan pengajaran...lainlah kalau you anti TKC.Hehehe....kesian budak TKC.

Thanks to Encik Sarip Dol, I sekarang ni sangat gigih membaca gossip sampai mengabaikan blog I sendiri.It is very fascinating to see how people reacted to everything.So sebagai buah cempedak diluar pagar, benda-benda macam ni I jadikan pengajaran...ye lah, I ni kan ke bangsa cepat mengamuk? Malaysia Hall takde karipap pun I mengamuk, apatah lagi komen-komen puaka orang yang kadang-kadang tu nak menjatuh kan semangat jatidiri I ni..(nasib baik masa I muda-muda takde PKLN) pengajaran supaya I ni sentiasa mendengar apa orang kata...bercakap bila perlu dan biarkan saja kalau orang nak mengata, asalkan dia bahagia.

So, bersempena post I yang ke limoghatuih, I wish to tell the person who thinks that it is only one sided affair between me and her; compare tu kau tu yang baru masuk TV and dah rasa fofuler, at least aku hupdate jugaklah hari-hari (if not) demi menunjukkan betapa committed nya aku dalam perhubungan sulit kita. So...if you lap me that much...silalah update, hatta memakai telepon canggih tu pun.

I jugak nak cakap kat si Ratu Demand N bukan nama sebenar tu...dalam pada aku slow-slow hupdate pun, dah 5 ratus dah.Ekau apo ado? Nantilah, bila kau dah start bukak blog kau sendiri, siap aku jerit kat dalam shoutbox kau suruh hupdate ari-ari.

Kepada oghang Peghok (ini tak termasuk bapak saya...kerana dia orang Sultan Derih) yang mana bersekongkol denga Kapal Singh, Tuna Singh & Nuar Beghaim, udoh-udoh le.Dengor je lah cakap Sultan...at least ni bukan Sultan yang bangsa tampar menampar orang or yang pamili membernya berr yamsenggggg dalam Tatler. To be honest, I pun malas nak baca apa hal...but it is obvious that this is such an embarassment to orang Melayu. Tak best lah tengok orang gaduh-gaduh.

So, oghang Setiawan sokong sapa?

p/s I lap you, Raja Nazrin.

Ice Ice Baby

I return to London today. Enough said. I dah terperangkap kat dalam opis since Sunday night and nasib baik ada spare baju and toiletries bag, dapatlah I shower walaupun dalam ketakutan kat dalam unit tu...ada satu malam yang hening tu I terdengar pintu shower room tu kena bukak, nasib baik I belum bukak baju lagi..kalau tak, haruslah jadik mangsa sexual assault para wargatua yang otak nya semoneng ittew...seramssss!!!

Misi pertama setibanya I di London ialah pergi mem visit Makcik Pakiam tu. Yelah..kan ke janji nya nak jumpa hari Selasa tu hari, tapi bila dah adverse weather and jalanraya dah ala-ala Ice-Ice Baby, maka terpaksalah di postpone kan.Anxious jugak le I...bukannya apa you all...orang yang emotionally unstable ni bukannya boleh dipostpone/reject sebarang aje. Unlike Kiah, kalau I main cancel-cancel appoinment pun, sehabis kuciwa pun..dia akan hantar message berbunyi 'pant*t ko Esah'.And after that we both are back ber french kissing semula, sambil memakan tahu sumbat buatan air tangan Kiah. (isk..lain macam je bunyi nya..tahu sumbat...air tangan)

Makcik Pakiam..woohooo...if you must know Manal...muka macam Cheryl Tweedy, tanpa make up.Muka and lengannya berparut..ni musti perbuatan laki Paki nya dedolu.Ye lah, bukan ke kahwin paksaan...dah le jadik mangsa penderaan seksual,physical and emotional pun ye juga.I was reminded not to ask about her child (apparently dia ada anak lelaki dgn boifren omputihnya 10 years ago) sebab their separation was very traumatic.Isk...yang nulis report ni pun, separation mak dgn anak kan mmg la traumatic nya...especially the mother is the dependable one bukan bangsa beranak and go, main buang kat mesjid,jamban or kubur.

I can imagine masa jaman mudanya, haruslah Makcik Pakiam ni is the type yang every Friday will paint the town red, bangsa Asian yang repressed sesangat takut kat Mak Bapak bila dok rumah.See, pengajarannya...jgn strict menggila dgn anak-anak. I dedolu pun, ayahanda strict jugak...tapi alhamdulliah, my bonda pun levelheaded...walaupun teruk dimarah Ayahanda, kami dibenarnya main sampai ke petang dengan syarat musti balik sebelum Ayahanda balik...kalau tak nanti Bonda takleh tolong kalau Ayahanda rotan.

I tell you, bila I jumpa my patients, bila dah habis meeting...masa I sensorang balik naik bus or tube, I terkenang betapa malang nya nasib orang lain and betapa selfishnya dok mengompen nasib I lah yang paling malang githoo...hard done by kalu.Ada orang dari kecik sampai besar dibuang MakBapak, ada yang dikerjakan dek Bapak sendiri...kesian sungguh.Dah le otak pun tak berapa nak develop, lagi kena aniaya dengan next of kin.Walaupun I ni takde jiwa keibuan macam Kiah, sedikit sebanyak, jiwa kekakakkan (ni buka sistahood TKC ye?) I akan terasa jua.

Makcik Pakiam is a heavy smoker...dalam sepital takleh isap rokok so I pun ajak jumpa bawah pohon jambu githoo..dalam sejuk-sejuk.Makcik Pakiam tak cakap banyak at first and I dok berhempas pulas cari jalan tu break the ice.

'I used to smoke too, you know'

'Really? You don't look it'

'Well, not addicted thankfully but smoking cryptically. My parents are very strict'

'What are you, Chinese?'

'Malay and Chinese mixed...I'm from Malaysia'

'You look too young to be a psychiatrist'

'I'm not...I don't want to be...too hard work'

'So what are you? Are you one of the nurses?'

'I am a Social Worker, like Joseph (bukan nama sebenar)'

'So you're the one that going to get me re house...yeah the nurses told me'

'I might be, but we going to do something together for 15 weeks, before Dr.BrokBrek (pun bukan nama sebenar) discharge you'

'What work? I'm not crazy you know...I just do drugs and some shit. They made a mistake keeping me here.But it is better than being homeless.Lucky I didn't get AIDS'

'Do you still drugging, if I may ask?'

'Just skunk...for fun'

'Cool...I never tried that'

'You're stupid...(she laugh)'

'Well...sometimes.I'm sorry I can't see you the other day.I was stuck in Dorset'

'Yeah..well'

'But I will see you again next Thursday'

'Okay...will I be out by then?'

'No, I don't think so. I'm not in charge for that. I'm only here to give support so that you can move on from here.It may take a little while'

'Shit...those hospital fuckers'

'So, shall we see each other next week? Thursday'

'Okay...can you bring me a packet of fags...the black packet superkings'

Hantu punya Makcik Pakiam.Belum apa-apa dah nak pow duit I mintak rokok!!!!

Update

Kepada Cik XYZ, yang dikala ini sedang berada dipersimpangan dilema, thanks for telling me about your problem. Apa nak ku kata...I have heard this all before. I am also certain that if you tell someone about this, they will tell you the same.

Makji ni you all, seboleh-boleh nya tak mau lah masuk campur masalah rumahtangga orang, rumahtangga Abby & Norman tu lain lah...kalau tak kerna dia menyerang ex-lakinya kat lokasi pelem and the Malaysian news made it so big that it was for gossipmonger like me to ignore.

Apa yang boleh I kata ni, ye lah..walaupun laki orang tu ex-boifren you...and tah apa ribut topan tetiba dia memilih orang lain pulak untuk dikahwin nya. I think perampas boifren takleh seteruk perampas laki. However I think the word 'rampas' is too strong in its context. The jantan is a consenting adult, maka secara sedar or tak sedar, dia merelakan rampasan kuasa itu. I think our situation is almost similar...my ex boifren pun dulu kahwin dengan orang lain jugak...pastu baru terkedek-kedek macam anak rusa nani cari I balik. Tapi, takde siapa yang paksa dia kahwin dengan pompuan ittew. Just because dia boifren you before dia jadi laki orang, cannot justify perbuatan kita yang berkeluaran dengan laki orang ni.

My ex-boifren punya bini pun boleh tahan jugaklah dahsyat nya bila dia dapat tahu (dia tahu pun sebab my ex ni yang cakap kat dia) All I was that time dimata orang is a scarlet woman, walaupun hati meronta kata kitalah ditempat yang benar.Tak ada yang benar nya. Your boifren is still berbini and walaupun tak bahagia (kata dia) he is not a free agent.

You're having a affair with someone else's husband, so at best he was a loan; there was certainly no guarantee that he would be yours to keep.The only person to blame for getting your heart tangled up in this sorry mess is yourself.I really don't think you can keep a straight face while blaming his wife.

Believe you and me, nak bersemuka berserimuka dengan bininya menegakkan benang basah you pun tak ada guna nya.Do you honestly think it's anything she doesn't know already? What sort of outcome would you be hoping for?

Maybe there's one of us that is lucky to be reunited back with their chenta agung.However now, you ought to be very realistic.He has made his choice before.Kalaupun dia balik dengan you, there's still a reminder of lots of hurtful thing.His children to begin with.

You takleh lupa kat dia? Ye..tu lah yang parahnya.I keep telling myself betapa bangang nya I...and bila mengenangkan betapa our relationship sebenarnya is mostly one sided affair, hatiku panas menggelegaklah jugak, but I am still the one who cry myself to sleep.

I think nasihat berupa quick teraphy yang I boleh bagi kat you ialah...(ni pun I cedok dari kata-kata boss I, bila I rasa nak bunuh diri/bunuh orang)....in life, you will experience a battle.Some will take it to war and fight tooth and nail, and some will continue fighting the battle.It seems to me that you're up and ready for this war and confident that you'll win.But will it make you happy?

Ingat satu saja....walaupun you rasa bininya tu perampas boifren you, boifren you yang rela dirampas.For all you know you might be picking up someone else's bad rubbish.

You best extricate yourself from this ridiculous situation. I was there and it wasn't a nice place to be.

P/s Cik XYZ, you budak TKC ke?

Makcik Pakiam....The Story

I ada satu patient baru kena refer dengan I semalam. Supervisor I macam main paksa-paksa aje I ambik case ni.Bencik taww...

36 year old, Female Asian Muslim (Pakiam la ni..) chronic bipolar disorder. No apparent physical or learning disabilities.Potential discharge pending assessment. Maknanya, I lah yang kena buat assessment pastu persembahkan kat Consultant Psychiatrist allocated kat pompuan ni sebelum dia ni dibagi keluar dari sepital dia kat Ladbroke Grove tu.

Supervisor I kat opis no.2 tu email I, katanya..Makji, you dah lama sangat ambik break.Dia takut lah tu, pasalnya I have been involve in the business side of my job and that I focus more on service delivery on the whole.So kononnya, its about time lah I ambik satu case from the team for at least 15 weeks. I tanya CPB, boley ke I ambik case ni...ye lah, takut nanti terganggu pulak kerja I kat Dorset (speaking of which, CPB jahat sungguh sebabnya patient-patient kat Dorset tu semua nya ala-ala Dementia, not only that they're demented, ada psychiatrict and psychological issue lagi.) Tu dia...bukan setakat nyanyuk you all...nyanyuk campur gila darab kepala terpeleot. Payah oooo...orang ada PHD pun takleh buat...tapi rasanya sesiapa yang berhasrat nak tinggalkan wide body cabin job they all tu, maybe want to think about being re trained in behaviour teraphy.Seswaiiii lah sangat Aking oiiiii.Dengan segala experience melayan segala perangai puaka in a such confined space, turbulence lah...lavatory meletop lah...indecent proposal from pax-pax Arab & Pak Hitam yang terasa sungguh high class tapi tak sedor naik economoney class.

Okay..file sulit mulit makcik Pakiam ni dah sampai dalam my inbox tadi pagi (gigih tul nak suruh aku ambik case ni) Mak datukkkkk!!!!!!!!!!!! Nak semput aku membacanya you all. Here I am thinking kalau dah macam ni lah hidup, apa tak naik gila nya?

a) British born, tapi makcik pakiam ni punya parents is a strict Pakistani family.
b) Makcik pakiam ni, boleh lah dicategory kan sebagai gadis kota, ni mesti dalam rumah..sare appa, sare amma...pijak cicak pun tak hancur tapi bila keluar rumah aje...wahahahaha...ayoyo kadawale jadik nya.Ala-ala serigala jadian githooo.
c) Masa umur dia 16 tahun, hasil perprojekan haram dengan boifrennya, mengand lah dia.Apa lagi...ayoma ayopa jadik murka lalu dibelasah lah Makcik Pakiam ini.(Tapikan, kira okay lah tu takat kena belasah, selalunya ramai kaum-kaum ni yang mati kena bunuh dek makbapak sebab menconteng permanent marker pen.Honour killing githoo)
d) Makcik pakiam telah di eksport balik ke Pakistan untuk di ubahsuai menjadi pompuan pakistan terakhir.Sampainya dia kat Pakistan, Makcik Pakiam telah dipaksa kahwin dengan supupu sparepart nya. Tu dia, lari dari mulut arnab, masuk pulak dalam mulut anjing...dia dikerjakan pulak oleh suami barunya.
e) Makcik Pakiam telah diselamatkan oleh mak sedara dia and diseludup balik ke UK. This is after 3 years. 3 tahun tu kena seksa.
f) dari mulut anjing, masuk pulak ke mulut babi.Lepas balik UK, kepala pun jadi bengong dek stress, Makcik Pakiam terus hisap dadah...berpelachoran...merampok kecil-kecilan, sampai dia kena tangkap.Anak dia dia ambik oleh Social Services and dia pulak masuk jail.Keluar jail...dia cuba nak bunuh diri tapi tak lepas.
g) Dia masuk sepital (my workplace no.2) Dah 3 tahun dia kena section.Mengikut file nya, kata dia dah ada improvement so recommended for discharge depending OT (occupational theraphy) and behavioural input program result.

Supervisor I cakap, dia tak ngam dengan orang-orang tua so they all rasa, I macam seswai lah nak kerja dengan dia.

Pastu I nampak satu note kecik, katanya Makcik Pakiam ni ada potential nak jadik arsonist and dia pernah nak membakar dirinya....alamak! Buatnya adalah benda I cakap dia tak suka, buatnya dia bakar rambut I yang ikal mayang ni camno?

But I am seeing her next week....let's just see.

Update

Thanks to YouTube, dapat le I menengok video berita sensasi pasal Si Kugan ittew...kesiannya kan? My only source of info about negara tumpah darahku is through Utusan, and if I wanted a more diversified info, maka bacalah sikit-sikit from Berita Harian, Star etc.But I hardly ever have time to read, let alone write...updating blog dah jadik macam masalah besar pulak sekarang ni.

The police lock-up where Kugan died is very near where MB lives...masa I masih duduk di Court 10, selalu jugak lah I jalan kaki beli nasik campur dalam van depan kedai repair kereta ittew. Obviously, I don't know what actually happened. Berita yang keluar kat TV Radio kenkadang pun tak boleh nak dipercaya sangat.Mulut orang lagi lah susah nak percaya...so apa nak dikata, baca ajelah, dengar ajelah cakap orang.

I don't have good experience with Malaysian Police...and bila diingat-ingat, boleh sakit jugak hati.They look so hard-up, obviously and understandably underpaid and the only way to make up for that area of dissatisfaction is to salahgunakuasa tak pun, menyombong macam nak gila.

Me and my cousin, pernah lah kena tahan pak polisi kat Bukit Bintang, I pun dah tak ingat sebab apa, but this Pakcik on motorbike stopped us. My cousin ni lah nak bawak kereta and tetiba, Pakcik ni datang ketuk tingkap, suruh we all pull out.Heran jugak we all..anak-anak dara sunti ni..(umur baru 18 gittew you...) This Pakcik bagi syarahan kat my cousin...and my cousin pulak dalam blur blur ittew, terpaksalah buat bodo aje and for no reason terus cakap 'Sorry la Tok'.

My friend once said, if we stop disagreeing and then we'll have lesser problem. True. The only downside of it is that, we will not win although there's a slightest possibility that we might. I have been using Bodakfone since 2000 and I will argue over the littlest thing on the bill I can see. The fact that they have now move their call centre to negara koliang mana tah, yang advisor-advisor nya macam robot dok repeat..yes madam,yes madam tah sudah-susah, gave me the upperhand to argue more and more. They must have hated me.

Bila I nampak Pak Polisi ni macam ada nak buli-buli kami gadis bawah umur ni, I pun cakaplah dengan dia, apa yang kita dah buat? (I pun really dah tak ingat ni) I explained and explained, try to stand corrected (given that I was a law student....matriculation baru) and try to seek justice lah konon nya...

I think, had I not questioned his decision or remark, he could have got away with some duit kopi...given that my cousin yang pengecut tu rela sungguh nak berpisah dengan duitnya (or she must be dead scared sebab dia pinjam tak cakap keta bapak dia)

Pak Polisi teruslah menjadi kumpulan Lipan Bara ( I swear to god, masa tu ada kumpulan rock gampang with similar name) ber brokbrek tak brake-brake.Not so much of what we could have done, but because I had menjawab him.He went on and on about how rude I was, that how teenagers like me think that I am so above board and know-it-all. Not only that, he also said that 'kita melayu' and some speech related to that. He pointed out our mistake was and that had we apologised to him, he would have forgive and forget.

Tu dia...demand pulak I mintak hampun tu.One thing for sure, an apology from a middle child is very,very rare.

In the later years...para Pak Polisi kat Malaysia pada am nya still failed to make a good impression.I used to work in a 5 star hotel and we have a list of clientele tak berbayar and one of them is Pak Polisi.Ada pak Polisi terang-terangan check in dengan tah mana budak sekolah during waktu kerja and bila weekend, checked in pulak dengan bini and anak-anak...melantak our weekend buffet.

Pak Polisi sometimes will stop people and search people over nothing. Ada sekali I dengan MB lapar tengah malam nak makan nasik lemak, pi lah drive kereta dekat dengan USJ2 Petronas tu, tak pasal-pasal kena tahan.Dah le kitorang pakai uniform dimalam hari lak tu i.e. baju tidur (plus MB tak pakai bra)

In the end after they realised that they had nothing to pin us on, Pak Polisi just cakap 'orang pompuan tak baik keluar memalam...'. Podah!!!!

I just hope si Kugan tu idak le mati dek dibelasah teruk dek Pak Polisi.Kesian...baru kena tangkap suspect curi kereta je.Bukan bunuh ke or rogol budak kecik.Kereta hilang pun insurance boleh bayar..takyah lah sampai nak bunuh-bunuh kan?

P/s Police kat sini, wah...dah le hensem...ber six pack...berhemah tinggi lak tu. And Thanks to you tube...dapatlah aku nengok 'Kisah Pramugara Melampau' 15 minutes action movie tu.Aparra org MAS, nak kongkek pun takleh tunggu bukak uniform ka dulu?

Small Print Information...or should be

One of my colleague (must mention, kat perkampungan Dorset ni...) complained that her boyfriend of few months dumped her because she had too many exes.She is 28 year old and in total (legal age to bermaksiat kat sini is 16) makcik ni ada dekat 11 exes.Given that everythng else was going well in their relationship, she couldn't understand what his problem was.

Makcik ni had many questions, plus a few theories of her own.She wondered if maybe he wanted an 'easy life' and wondered (feared more like) if she may be high maintenance, problematic etc etc yang negative because she'd gone through so many relationships.Obviously when she was telling me this, she protested that she wasn't 'hard work' and there were lot's of reasons why her previous relationships had failed (I ni takdelah pulak nak bertanya, kan?)

Makcik also wondered if he may have been a tradionalist and felt that she had slept with too may men, or he could even have felt threatened as a lover.

I suddenly terkenang kat kawan I, yang masa mudanya...boleh tahan jugak kebohsia'an nya.Ish..jahat mulut I.She is really a nice girl.It is just quite unfortunate that her relationships fell apart and (oopss) she slept with all of them...not at the same time lah, of course.When she was dating this guy, she must have been honest with him because this guy knew about her past i.e. whom/how many men she had sex with.There I was thinking, why must you ask? He told me that he thinks my friend is dirty...pasal dia tidur dengan semua exes nya.Weh, yang bercakapnya pun boleh tahan gak bohjan nya, not as if he is a virgin himself...but you know, men prefers kosher, walaupun diri sendiri dah berapa kali kena cross contaminations.Puaka betul.

Si Makcik Dorset ni became quite annoyed lah and wondered just how many exes would have been too many? It is interesting how a statement about having too many exes can throw up so many issues. We talked about whether her boyfriend may have thought that she simply showed poor judgement in her previous liaisons, and this could have impacted on their relationship.

Obviously, I am not the right person for her to ask for opinion...I only got one yang serious nya, pahtu dah mati pung still takleh get over.I feel like I have wasted 20 years over nothing, I could have tried berkawan dengan 2,3 orang...and experienced men perhaps more than just one...yang secara physical nya (wah sudahhhh) tak lebih dari swapping innocent DNA aje...,but hey, what we think or can think is totally different than what she can do or have done.

As we talked, we become more philosophical. Though we didn't settle on one reason why her previous exes had troubled her recent ex,she had unburdened some of her anxieties.I suggested that as he hadn't wanted to go into his reasons for breaking up, bar her exes.This reflected on his inability to express himself and could be a lesson that some people don't feel that they have to explain after only few months.

I told her that my current partner ada 41 exes.Given the age gap.Being bangang or immature that I am (still) suka jugak menanya...as much as I like to think that it doesn't bother me that much, the info is useful especially masa bergaduh for me to throw it back at the face.Looking at old photos with all of them looking so gorgeous make me question, what do you really see in me?

I do believe that although yang dah berkahwin beranak pinak pun, when exes are mentioned and especially bila kita tahu betapa agungnya kisah chenta Ali Setan they all tu, nak nak bila the exes lagi lawa dari kita, maka tergugat jugaklah self-esteem.From time to time, while we like to think that we are triumphant sebab, 'aku kahwin dah, beranak dah dengan dia...you are the past'...I'm afraid, kata-kata self-motivation cenggitu takkan cukupnya.

I think in the end we agreed that the biggest lesson was that less is more when it comes to discussing exes.Be very selective about your history.It maybe and usually is a good thing.After all, in the early phases,it should be all about the here and now for you and your new love.

It is not good to focus on the past. (Budak TKC ramai ex boyfriends kan? Confirmed bohsia)

Tales From Reading - Inside My Head

Saya telah berkahwin dengan kerani am di tempat kerja saya. Mula-mula hanya balas senyum aja dan after 2,3 bulan bertanya khabar and berkirim salam, saya memberanikan diri mengajak dia minum Nescafe Ice kat Bangsar, dekat dengan tempat kerja kami.Kami kawan tak lama..ye lah, saya kan eligible bachelor gittew...pompuan manalah yang tak nak.Setelah 5 tahun, tetiba saya rasa macam dah bohsan tahap cipan dengan arah tuju diri saya.Kami tak ada anak...tak taulah pasal apa...bini saya mandul kot? Saya mengamalkan kehidupan yang sihat...tapi bini saya tu selalu benar makan menda-menda bangang macam asam and kerepeks.Berbulan saya mememdam rasa...dan memakan apa saja.Serta merta saya naik debab...dan terus tak hensem.Lagilah saya sakit hati. Agaknya Tuhan mendengar rintihan saya, saya telah ditawarkan membuat PHD.Yes...there's a glimmer og hope, kata kepala hotak saya.Dalam masa 4 bulan saya buat preparation, buat visa and etc.Mak bapak saya nak buat kenduri doa selamat dan saya juga dah naik menggelabah.Semua orang Pandan Perdana dah tahu saya nak pergi Reading, kecuali bini saya.Saya pun dah cakap dengan semua orang yang kami akan berpisah...(tapi saya lupa pulak nak cakap dengan dia) Pada petang hari kenduri doa selamat tu, lepas makan tengahari, saya bagitau bini saya yang saya akan ke UK dalam masa 2 minggu.Dia tanya, berapa lama? Saya kata...mungkin 3,4 tahun.Muka dia macam blurr blurrr (selalu pun dia memang blurr, maklum lah sekolah tak pandai..macam saya) Dia tanya, kenapa you baru cakap sekarang...mana sempat nak buat preparation? Saya dengan cool cucumber nya kata...I pergi seorang.I nak bercerai dengan you.Saya pun memulakan syarahan saya...saya bagitahu dia, kita tak bahagia, kita tak sepadan...kita etc etc...yang semuanya negative.Sedap nya mulut saya cakap 'kita' padahal saya yang punya kerana.2 hari lepas tu, Bapak mertua saya datang rumah...tanya saya, apahalnya saya buat macam ni kat anak dia? Saya kata, saya buat apa yang terbaik untuk kami laki bini. Tak sampai 24 jam, mak bapak saya pulak dah dapat tau...ni mesti makbapak dia yang bagitahu.Saya cakap kat makbapak saya, ini hal rumahtangga saya.Saya ingatkan hal ini akan selesai macam saya beli ikan kat Sainsbury's saja...banyak jugak drama nya.Selepas dikacau/hamun/maki and digertak oleh sedara-mara bini saya, saya pun dengan kejamnya suruh dia tinggalkan rumah saya (saya sorang tau yang bayar mortgage, dia masuk rumah bawak beg aje)

Dalam masa 2 minggu tu, dalam sibuk berpacking-packing, saya pun buat lah report kat pejabat kadi, orang jantan macam saya ni nak bercerai senang aje...masa ni saya rasa macam duduk atas pokok kelapa aje.Bongkak sungguh.Kalau hati dah tak chenta..senanglah nak bercerai kan? Selalunya orang jantan mana pun akan bersimpati bila dah buat naya kat bini sendiri..tapi saya pulak rasa macam Suria Perkasa Baja Hitam (ye ke ni? Saya main bantai) Dulu ex gf saya, bila nak break off dengan saya macam selamba aje...saya yang berfrust menonggeng bertahun lamanya.So sekarang inilah masanya saya nak break off dengan bini saya. Kami dah tak happy...buat apa lagi nak menyeksa diri...(ni semua kata kepala saya)

Bila masuk mahkamah, bini saya buat-buat cerita Tamil Elam lah pulak..nangis-nangis. Ingatkan bila dah sign surat tu, habis lah cerita.Takkkkkk. Bini saya buat tuntutan harta sepencarian.Hek ellehhh...apa kes? Rumah tu saya punya, kereta saya punya..savings apa harta dalam rumah tu semuanya saya punya.

Disebabkan saya bengang betul dia nak menuntut harta saya, saya pun postpone lah lafaz cerai...saya nak ajar bini saya tu jangan pepandai nak jadik Heather McCartney nak kikis segala harta saya.

Lepas saya pergi UK, bini saya terus pindah masuk balik rumah saya...cis, kalaulah saya tahu, saya dah tukar kunci.Lawyer saya kata, pasal kami belum sah bercerai (mengikut kata paper legal nya plus saya pun belum 'jangan lafaz kan nya' lagi) maka dia tak ada sebab yang tidak membolehkan dia masuk and tinggal dirumah saya.Lawyer saya kata, kalau saya nak bercerai sangat, dalam court ada satu session lafaz cerai and satu lagi...tuntutan harta.

Wah....pandai betul bini saya tu main politik ye? Obviously kerana saya ni bangang walaupun sekarang saya tengah buat PHD, saya memang tak nak bercerai dengan reta benda saya.See, saya tinggalkan bini saya tanpa nafkah, pastu saya tangguh pulak proceeding nak melafaz cerai pasal saya tak nak dia menuntut harta sepencarian.

Last week, saya dapat notis mahkamah...isteri saya mintak fasakh...(cehhh, padanlah muka saya) and the request came with other tuntutan berupa harta-harta saya.Bengang betul saya...maka bertambah kuatlah saya makan...adding stones to the present weight.

Saya mintak nasihat orang kat Social Services itu....katanya, if you're not happy just let go.Materials can be re create and re amass but emotional burden need to be reduce and rid off, katanya.I want to prove her wrong...eleh...belajar pun takat degree dengan add math tak pass, cakap banyak lak.

I still can't see why I have to put up with all these....the Social Worker is not answering her mobile (as always) and I am desperate to get away from this mess, without having to part with my harta (my ego more like)

I emailed/texted her.Nak buat surprise visit, Cik Twickenham tu dah kena posting kat Dorset pulak sekarang ni.She replied my text 'do what you need to do' katanya. I sungguh tak paham (walaupun I budak pandai)

Help me.

(Makji Esah's definition of 'do what you need to do' ialah....face up to your responsibility.If leaving her is what you want and intended to, then just do it.She is your wife and she deserve what she deserved.Be a man, you can't always win.)

Telingaku Dipanah Petirrrrrr...........

Ni nak bagitau sikit kat scandal I yang dah terasa diri dia glamer sesangat pasal baru keluar TV rancangan 'Jalan-Jalan Cari Tudung Pasar Malam' segmen terajang ittew....ye, aku terima text messages mu ittew...pastu lintang pukang diriku iniew pi look up email address miew ittew untuk di add kan dalam my YM messenger...yelah, kalau boleh melabun dengan Pakcik Gila, tak kan nak ber YM dgn aku pun tak sodeee kan? (Not to mention, extra marital affair gaya YM ni, susah nak kantoi)

Ye, mobile phone ku bill nya dibayar oleh kompeni....so, aku sungguh segan silliew lah nak melenjan bill nya.Kang kalau accountant check itemised bill, kene query pulak...eh, makji, sejak bila Makji ada patient kat Malaysia ni.Uols jangan tak tau, mulut pompuan-pompuan account department company I ngalahkan p*ki.Kalau hantar email nak query expenses I tu, bukannya takat hantar untuk my sole attention aje, dibantai nya cc copy segala orang.Tak ke habis reputasiku nanti?

Speaking of reputasi, lupalak I nak bagitau, masa I bersosialan dengan gang babi haram tu, sempatlah jugak bertukar-tukar nomor telifun.The Ustaz dengan takde segan silliew nya mintak nomor I...masa bersosialan tu I ada dapat text message from MB, so semestinya orang dah tahu I ada mobile phone and tak bolehlah nak menipu kata takde telepon.Alasang Ustaz tu, katanya kalau ada majlis keagamaan, dia akan undang I.Dah jadik tanggungjawabnya, dia kata, and I wajib mengutamakan perintah yang atas (ni I copy kata-kata dia ni)

Sebenarnya you all...dalam majlis sosialan kami tu, ada banyak jugak kata-kata yang keluar dari mulutnya yang bisa membuatkan I bertukar menjadi gajah liar dan rasa memijak badan dia tu.Sedap betul dia mengeluarkan komen-komen macam bagus dia, padahal dia tu taklah kenal I ni siapa...(by the way Desert Rose, mana pulak datang idea yang aku ni kerabat Diraja neh?)

Antara komen-komen nya yang menyayat hati....

a) Yang I ni dah terlampau westernised...cakap and berfikir pun macam omputih. Boleh tu dia menambah yang I ni kena ingat yang I ni zahir batin melayu and Islam
b) Yang I ni mengejar dunia sangat...berkejar-kejar berkerja sana sini...melupakan mak ayah
c) Yang I lalai dalam menghayati ajaran Islam...

Adalah a few lagi comments...I pun tak ingat sangat dek menyampah nya.I senyum aje mendengar kata-kata nya walaupun seluruh badan I macam dah kena general anaesthathic uolssss.

Kadang-kadang orang ni uols, bila kita diam, dia akan ingat kita ni bodo ke ataupun dia tu yang extra betul.Orang yang diam tu tak bermakna they all tak nak melawan you.I don't know them...Kak Katak tu pun kenal-kenal macam tu, ada jugak hit and miss nya.

So semalam I dapat text messages (satu I dapat dari org yang baru keluar Tv ittew pukul 4.30 am UK Time...) and satu lagi dari Ustaz tu yg I tak perasan pukul berapa ( I ni ada issue sikit dengan telephone you, I selalu ingat bila phone bunyi tu phone org lain and I takdelah sesusah nak angkat)

Ustaz ni khabor kat I, yang ada majlis bacaan yassin and solat munajat kat Mesjid kat WhiteChapel tu. I wajib datang katanya...sebab ini untuk Palestine.Katanya lagi sebagai orang Islam, I wajib membuat ibadat untuk saudara seislam I.

I think dekat-dekat nak petang tu Ustaz telipon I, tanya attendance I...masa tu baru I ingat I lupa naj jawab message dia, I pun kata, tak dapat hadirlah kekasih...(ceh berlagu...) pasal I jauh dari London.

'You ni macam tak bersungguh aje nak beribadat. Saya yang kena ingat kan...you ni nak komited ke tidak? (Bila pulak aku ni agree nak masuk geng tarbiyyah dia ni?) Kita ni jangan nak berkira dengan Tuhan (I am certain he is referring to my excuse for being far from London) orang lain sanggup naik kereta nak ke Mekah, biarpun berbulan.'

'Ni lah susahnya bila orang dah terasa diri mereka tu lengkap, cukup harta dunia...rasa dah pandai sangat sebab mereka tu ada degree.Semayang 5 waktu saja tak ckup...brok brek brok brek................................'

Now you tell me....macam mana pulak aku boleh tercampur dengan orang macam ni ni?

Kemusykilan Perdana

1. Ni sumpah bukan statement bongkak ye you all, tapi I betul-betul tak paham apasal lah ramai betul yang extra taksub dengan Barrack Obama menjadik President? Especially Mat-Mat & Minah gagaks ni...punyalah clear statement masing-masing...history la..apa la...

Okaylah..he is the first non-white US president....tak ke si gagaks ni perasan yang Obama ni bukanlah 100% gagak? I ni bukanlah nak kata hapa you all...okay lah..bila menkaji sejarah betapa terseksanya they all tu masa zaman dedolukala (see..jaman dedolukala) memanglah bila orang tak putih berjaya jadik President kat negara yang predominantly putih tu dikira sejarah besar.Tapi yang tak bestnya, bila isu-isu kehitaman they all tu dibesar-besarkan...

Teruk sangat ke nasib orang hitam ni? Yang I tau, orang hitamlah yang paling racist sekali...kalau nak memaki hamun tu harus make a statement..don't mess with my black ass lah..tu lah, dia sendiri yang meracist remark kan diri nya...tu tak termasuk geng-geng anak-anak gagak yang kerja nya serata alam ni menikam orang, menjual dadah..and membuat bising dalam bas!

2. I baca dalam Utusan yang Norman Hakim & Memey pi Mahkamah Syariah pakai baju satu set lagi siap posing-posing ayu depan photographer...'Kami tak Bersalah'. Mana perginya kemaluan mereka dah tertangkap basah satu Malaya dah tau tu? I'm sure orang lain yang kena tangkap basah ke, kering ke mau kalau boleh tutup sampai mata buta tak nampak jalan tak nak bagi orang tau, tup-tup si dua orang ni macam Pesta Golden Globes lah pulak.Talking about masa kena gossip tak ngaku berchenta! Chit!!!!

3. Kesian sesiapa yang kerja gomen kat Seremban tu kena paksa pakai all black...berkabung lah kununnya...whilst Tuanku Jeff punya cucunda...berpesta Ria kat Sultan lounge last Friday. Yang jadik DJ (anak kepada anak nombor 4) yang berjoget lambak (anak kepada anak nombor 1,2 &5) and menurut sumber-sumber gossip asli I, ada 4 orang cucu Tuanku Jeff kat party tu.Well I suppose they all punya alasan is that..kami tengah bersedih....(macam orang yang mabuk2 bila despressed!)

4. You remember my post about Pilah & Co? Kan ke salah sorang cucunda Tuanku Jeff berkawan dengan sorang Social Worker satu jabatan (opis no 2) dengan I? Khabarnya si Mamat ni, kawin dengan orang putih...and sekarang kerja kat London.They all ada rumah dekat-dekat dengan rumah si F and they called it 'Islington Palace'. When I was at workplace no.2 (ye you all..hari I keluar dengan gang babi haram tu) I bumped into this Social Worker. Kitorang chat-chat lah, and he told me about his fren punya grandad's passing.I sebenarnya tau tapi punyalah nak gossip, buat-buatlah tatau supaya dapatlah aku dengar cerita.This Social Worker guy told me (well actually he was passing comments) how his fren told him how his family was robbed of the throne, blaming political influence and dirty trick played by his grandad's distant relative who is now the proclaimed King. Dalam hati I...punyolah Pilah tak soda dighi....boleh dia panggil Yamtuan Muhriz tu 'distant relative'? Padahal apak sedagho eh...peh tu di koba eh pulak konon eh takhto kajaan nogoghi tu di ghompak from kuago eh.Cam cilako aje statement tu.Si Social Worker of course lah take pity to his fren cucunda Yamtuan Jeff ni.I pun purak-purak lah kesian...nak aje I cerita sejarah Yamtuan Jeff tu, tapi takut pulak si Social Worker ni pergi menyampaikan...tau-tau masuk hitlist aku.

5. I ni takut ular you all....tapi tah hapa angin pulak, I agreed to joined MB's watching 'Snake In The Plane' hari tu. Hah kau...everytime I nak poei terkoncing...I ghaso macam ada ular nak timbul dari lubang jamban tu...gundah gulana I you all.Ular pulak dalam movie tu semua (ada beribu ekor lah tu) speed patukan nya 100 kmp/h and bersize Syanie complete dengan kulit berkilat-kilat and muka-muka ganas.Ni mau I akan ingat adegan ular patuk-mematuk tu for the next few weeks.Takde penyakit cari penyakit kan?

Besok I update lagi...daaaa.

The 2nd Ghost (s)

I have always been a fan of arial size 12 font. And now that I know how to change the font (pidahhh...orang lain dah lama dah tau, aku barulah nak start menggodek-godek blogger's customisation)maka from today, I'll be writing in size 12 arial font.

I arrived back from Dorset on Thursday, demi nak menyelebrate birthday MB yang ke 43.Yes you all, dah 43 umoq nya tapi kami-kami ni menten lah muda and jelita tanpa unsur-unsur chemical yang jenis cocok-mencocok ittew.I think we are just lucky that menda-menda like Oil of Olay is cheap compared to the prices of segala maknenek cream muka yang dijual kat Watson tu.Kesian you all.

I received a 2nd message from the ghost...kali ni bukanlah surat ke hapa, but when I walked into my 2nd opis (the sepital) I saw a message written for me dari Kak Katak yang I dah lama tak dengar cerita tu.See, she has been off my radar for months now, ye lah..aku kan ke sombong? So I assumed that people like her will not be bothered anymore lah.Bukanke orang-orang ber PHD ni set-set yang akan rubbing shoulder dengan pakar-pakar ilmiah jugak? I ni apa lah yang tahu, selain dari gossip-gossip yang tak berhasil. It is very obvious that my only function in our 'persahabatan' ialah for me to get the info that she needs.Being the orang melayu that she is, macam I, kalau nak apa-apa, kalau boleh nak approach friendly faces aje.I selalu pesan dengan student-student yang I jumpa, you all kalau nak apa-apa dengan authority ni, jangan takut-takut, cakap aje lah.I ada jumpa 2,3 trainee psychiatrist/psychologist from Malaysia, semua set-set malu-malu kucing parsi.Malu tapi menyombong! Macam mana nak kerja dengan patient-patient terpeleot kepala otak kalau kita sendiri pun tak mampu untuk menyesuaikan diri dengan keadaan (hura-hara) kenkadang?

Kak Katak was told by my sepital colleague yang since last November, memang susah nak jumpa I lah, pasalnya I dah kena hantar tempat lain tapi sebab I ada 2,3 patient from Twickenham yang dah kena section kat that sepital and the Team masih lagi tak nak discharge diorang from our care, maka nak tak nak, every 2 week or bila-bila emergency, terpaksalah I tunjuk muka.But Kak Katak went ahead and left me a message and tetiba pulak, yesterday I was told she was around jumpa her Uni supervisor, yang juga Consultant Neurologist kat sepital tempat I kadang2 visit tu.

So we met and I belanja her kopi kat cafe sepital tu. I thought new year dah ni, I patutlah make an effort, manalah tau kalau-kalau dia ni berguna juga untuk dipergunakan..macam I mempergunakan budak TKC bila I ada emergency orthodontic problem ittew...

I was free and that she ajak me pergi jumpa sayang dia yang dah menunggu untuk makan malam bersama-sama kat Bonda tu.Nasib baik I bergaduh dah 2 minggu dengan si Tua, so I pun takdelah nak terkejar-kejar balik ngadap dia kan? I told her that I segan nak jumpa laki and kawan laki dia, in fact, I ni memang segan nak jumpa sesiapa pun...kalau tak geng lah.Dia dengan confident (tahap meluat ni) cakap kat I 'kita ni, kalau duduk oversea melayu pun kenalah bercampur jugak'. Nak sindir I ke Kak oii? You tau tak I pun ramai jugak kawan melayu yang lain...just because I tak kenal sangat puak2 Paddington/Bayswater/Sussex Garden tu? Tapi, I diam aje. Kak Katak punyalah gigih nak I jumpa sangat dengan sayang dia tu (by the way, tak hensem Kiah..emsem lagi laki kau), dia sanggup ajak sayang dia tu turun kat Ladbroke Grove to meet up with us.Lagi susahlah Makji nak berambus, you all.

The sayang came with a guy they both jokingly referred to as Ustaz. This mamat adalah ciri-ciri Ustaz pun but speaking of which, bukanke goatee tu dah menjadi pesen even ke Mamat Gagak sekalipun? They all nak cari tempat makan yang halal (understandable lah kan?) puas berjalan dalam sejuk but tak jumpa, kalau ada pun, they assume it's Halal pasal kedai Pak Arab...ye lah tu.I cakap kat they all, makan Fish & Chips saja lah...and Ustaz terus sampuk 'minyak dia goreng tu halal ke? Bukan ada goreng savaloy sekali yang babi haram tu?' Tu dia...sempat add word 'haram' kat babi yang budak kecik pun tahu haram.Punyalah religious nya....sujudddd!!!!

Nak cari makan petang tu macam nak menyelesaikan masalah Israel & Palestine lah payahnya.I dare not suggest anything (mulut I dah ringan sungguh) and let the man and the Ustaz memikirkan masalah kedai manakah kat Kensington ni yang minyak masaknya tak contaminated dengan babi haram tu.Dipersimpangan dilema jugak I...kang I nak suggest, McDonald's...sah-sah lah ayam katok.Hati I cakap, good luck to you lah, ni bukannya Seberang Takir ke, Seri Menanti ke...sah-sah nya ini UK yang 70% populationnya kaffir (pandai kan I Makji Eton..kan ke soklan ni keluar kat Life in the UK test aritu?)

Last-last, makan cakes and muffin aje you all...kat Costa Cafe tu. mintak-mintak dalam hati janganlah Ustaz tu pi cakap 'mana lah tahu, cream kat dalam coffee ni dibuat dari sel-sel gelatin dari daging babi haram...' maunya I menjerit you all.

Topic perbincangan we all...selain dari topic-topic Politics Malaysia yang boring (yang juga I tak tau apa-apa) is about masalah Islam serata donia.Lagi lah Makji Esah yang pernah gi umrah ni fail.The Ustaz turned out to be a Malaysian yang dah lama bermastautin kat UK (yang sampai sudah pun aku tak tahu apa kerja nya)

I secretly think the Ustaz enjoyed being the centre of attention, bila dia bercakap soal Israel and Islam...although it was very obvious his knowledge about kaum Hebrew sungguhlah ceteknya.With all the 'masya allah' 'laknatullah' added to his sentences, I rasa macam ber usrah pulaklah kat kedai kopi tu.

Because I tak banyak cakap (malas nak menjawab sebenarnya) the Ustaz focussed all his syarahan-syarahan tarbiyyah at me.There I was thinking, we have passed Assar and Maghrib, takde pulak I dengar this Ustaz excuse himself nak balik semayang ke.Dia tetap berpokpek 'haram jadah Yahudiii....' 'pukimak Lina Joy'. Allah forbid dia ni ditugaskan menjadi pendakwah..tak berkenan betul I dengan choices of words dia tu.

My father is quite a religious man.He went to Makkah3,4 times.He prays...he mengaji...and he can mengaji wihout pandang Quran.We were brought up well however, what I do now shouldn't reflect his effort of bringing us up as a good Muslim.I tak adalah macam Ustaz, Kak Katak and her sayang yang semayang 5 waktu.Nor that I berani mati pi taruk 'non practising muslim' kat Facebook profile I ke, hapa-hapa internet profiler I, macam puaka orang Pilah tu (kan, Cik Sarip Dol?) but enough to know mana yang tak betul and mana yang masih boleh dibetulkan.

I just hope that if ever I jumpa Ustaz tu lagi...I will have enough courage to correct his wrong facts and to show him that being over religious is not an excuse to persecute orang-orang khilaf macam I ni.

And I still don't like TKC.

Update

Some of my clients/patients are blessed with the ability to manipulate. Manipulate lah apa-apa or siapa-siapa without getting caught (to them lah..macamlah I ni tak tau) and without causing big-big drama.

I certainly generated more than usual comments for my ‘message from the grave’ post and I am sure if it was me reading it and not writing it, like Si N bukan nama sebenar tu, I akan membuat demand besar-besar jugak nak tahu apa dalam surat tu.Terima kasih lah you all for the comments yang tak terjawab dek I dek banyaknya...maklumlah bukak blog pun kat opis dalam keadaan terketar-ketar takut orang nampak.Rasa macam nak kerja kat HUKM aje, ada bilik sendiri..ada katil sendiri.....

Menitik jugaklah air mata I…and kalau lah tak kerna diriku yang terlampau banyak kerja ni, mau jugak rasanya sampai hari ni menangis.

Ada 2,3 patient I yang jadik gila kerana chenta…I am saying it is just 2 or 3, the fact that it is plenty yang dalam secure unit tu yang terpeleot kepala hotak nya memanglah ramai…but I am just fortunate to know only just 2,3. I think dah tinngal 2 kot sebab ada satu jantan ni dah mati…alcohol abuse, dek kerana tak tertanggungnya seksa hati ditinggalkan bini. Memikirkan dia, sebak hati I. Bininya dah bahagia berlaki baru…laki lama masuk sepital…merana bertahun-tahun and in the end, terus my heart will go on (my new name for sakit jantung…cardiac arrest macam dah boring lah you all)

When I discussed him with my friend (ni yang tak kerja line yang sama) semua kata ‘ala…bangang mamat tu, satu pergi 10 mari lah…yang pergi menyeksa diri sampai mati buat apa?’ Tu diah…mudah nya mulut berkata-kata.

In this blog, tak terkata banyaknya I mengutuk si ex chenta hati I tu…the crime he committed before and after, enough to make anyone menyampah gila. Adakalanya I pun menyampah gila jugak…nak nak bila memikir banyaknya masa yang dah terbuang, banyaknya (ye ke?) peluang yang terlepas and seksanya perasaan. Think through, lepas dipecat serta-merta jadi girlfren nya dengan tak ada notis, I became single emotionally. Ada jugak jantan yang datang dan pergi…yang ku layan dan yang ku bolayan dan permain-main kan (spare your judgement hah, Kiah..kau pun sama)

Allow him to come back and messed me up for the 2^nd time, and in the end, still was not chosen bukankah dah cukup petanda yang jantan tu memang tak ndak dengan you lagi? Siapa yang merana? Aku jugak kan? Okay….enough is enough lah. England here I come and bye-bye you. A decision need to be made, I can’t move on with him being around.

Literally 2 years ago I did moved on, I married someone else. But like said, I never stop talking and thinking about him. He was the first. I am just terrified of the thought that he was the only. My therapist keep telling me to make peace with myself and this will speed the moving on process.I tried. Like any other abuse victim (not that I am saying that I am) to get away from the claw of the abuser is something that will NOT succeed overnight. Ada tu yang abuser dah duduk dalam jail pun, sidianya masih takut lagi nak pergi kedai tepi rumah beli susu sebab takut si abuser nya akan datang menjelma. The theory is right, if you are still scared , it is because you allow yourself to be.

This man is already dead. When he is still around, without even having to try hard, he still finds his way to manipulate me.I hang on to his every words although deep down I knew that it is just like a music to my ears. I know that I have allowed myself to be his victim and to be manipulated, speaking of kerelaan hati sendiri. And because of that I can’t move on.

I like to share his letter but it will make me sad.I am done with being sad (kononnnya lah sekarang ni) and therefore, buat masa ni I terpaksalah mengamalkan konsep kedekut or pandai makan, pandailah simpan. But suffice to say that there is nothing you could not guess. ‘I love you’ ‘I don’t mean to hurt you’ ‘You’re the one, you’re the only one and you’re amazing’ ‘I am sorry’. What is there to hope for?

Lastly…(ni takde kena mengena dengan surat arwah tu) ni nak lah bagi tahu kat orang2 N9, betapa tak adilnya kerajaan negeri kita yang suruh kita ni semua berkabung 100 hari ye? Tak kasik clubbing lah…suruh baca yassin, quran dopopat jam lah…all the majlis kena postpone la…sebab Tuanku Jeff baru mangkat. Ni bagitahu kat anak cucu Tuanku Jaafar, datuk lu mati..lu lah yang kena puasa pergi party…apasal pulak orang lain? Tak ada maknanya you suruh orang satu negeri berkabung tapi cucu Tuanku Jaafar, 3 orang pergi berclubbing tak hengat. Ayoyo..adek…tak baca yassin ke? Ni bukan gossip ni…kisah benar. Puaka punya anak-cucu.

Tengok macam Makji ni…ada sedara dekat ninggal, setahun Makji takut pi karaoke, respect punya pasal.

Wassalam.

Message From The Grave

Tu diah tajuk posting...ala-ala cerita Twillight Zone lah pulak!!! Tapi tak ada nya lah intipati yang akan menakutkan you all, I ni..tengok cerita hantu pun takut apa lagi nak buat cerita-cerita jangan cucuk belakang gittew.

I baru-baru ni adalah dapat email dari sahabat lama.Zaman-zaman UMIST, zaman-zaman Sheffield. Berita dari sahabat lama for me is not always a good thing.Ye lah, sahabat lama bukan ke membawa cerita lama jugak, kan Kiah? Nak-nak pulak set-set sahabat yang juga bersahabatan dengan kekasih lama.Ni kira sahabat kekasih lama I lah ni...yang I dah puluhan tahun tak jumpa.You all tahu lah kan...set-set kawan-kawan yang dimport dari sebelah boifren you i.e. your boyfriend punya gang yang secara automaticnya jadi kawan you jugak.

Satu bahaya nya kengkawan jenis import ni ialah bila kita bergaduh dengan pakwe/makwe kita, diorang pun akan bergaduh dengan kita juga, although not always literally tapi...this is the situation where people will judge where your loyalty stands. Like always, jantan punya loyalty is unquestionable lah...sedangkan girlfriend pun diorang boleh share, so walaupun boyfriend you berperangai puaka and they know it, jangan haraplah dia akan bersimpati dengan you.Kalau ada pun yang simpati...bila last-last nanti adalah adegan terambil kesempatan, ye lah mentang-mentang perempuan tu vulnerable.Hish jantan..kawan or tak kawan memang susah nak dipercaya...

This guy is a friend of my ex.Kawan baik ke tak baik I pun tak tahu lah...but one thing for sure masa depa all ni student dahulu kala, boleh main share-share baju lagi.I'm sure they do more than lending their baju to one another.The likeability of si jantan dua orang ni mempropah pompuan-pompuan tak berdosa cam I ni untuk kebaikan mereka sendiri memang lah takleh dinafikan. Seingat I, si jantan ni lah dulu yang selalu jawab telepon kata si aruah my ex ni sibuk lah, dalam lab lah...mandi lah, all that alasans yang satu ketika dahulu kedengaran sungguh genuine.

Meh sini Makji nak bagitau you all adik-adik yang berboifren jantan-jantan yang selalu sibuk ni.Kalau you all telefon and your boyfriend's housemate dok kata dia mandi, percayalah maybe the 1st and 2nd time that your boifren tengah genuinely mandi. Jantan ni selalunya malas mandi.Gosok gigi sebelum tido pun malas. Kalau 10 kali telepon 10 kali mandi...ada kemungkinan, dia mandi dengan pompuan lain ataupun sibuk mengelakkan diri dari you all.

This guy is the same guy yang bagitau I si Ex ni dah mati...and that si Ex ni ada tinggalkan surat untuk I. Tapi masa baru-baru (mati) tu, I takdelah nak layan sangat.Ye lah, orang dah mati buat apalah nak dikenang.(Buat menyeksa batin aku aje) Lagipun I sangsi jugak...dalam pada dia sakit tu, ada ke kudrat nak menulis surat bagai? Kalau ada pun, bukankah baik kalau tenaga yang tinggal tu digunakan kejalan yang betul...tulis surat kat anak dia ke..baca yassin ke kan?

I keep ignoring his email.I have severed all ties to my past (that past lah) so sesiapa yang terlibat dalam jerat perchentaan 10 tahun I dengan si Aruah tu, memang tak akan dapat lah trace I lagi.All my close friends pun have sworn to secrecy..except Si Aizee (matilah..name and shame) tapi you pun ada good reason kan, Zee? Ye lah, kalau Aizee tak bagi email address I kat jantan ni, sampai sudah pun I tak kan tau aruah tu dah mati.

So, Pakcik ni since boxing day dah hantar email kat I, which I only managed to picked up last week. Katanya dia ada kirim barang untuk I and suruh I pi contact sipolan ni. I tak jawap email dia and thought, biarlah.Karang tah hapa-hapa pulak lah barang...buatnya dia seludup dadah, tak ke naya I masuk jail macam pompuan-pompuan Malaysia kat overseas jail tu? Tak kuasalah I...

But once the thought of barang is in my head (materialistik yang amek), maka hati tu ada jugaklah tertanya-tanya.I try to think positively as I can...macam, ye lah..agaknya mamat ni rasa berdosa dengan I, bukanke satu masa dahulu dia ni konco-konco my ex, yang tahu segala activity luar and dalam darjah si my ex ni.Or, he is just being nice...ye lah...I ni kan bekas makwe kawannya, and sikawan nya tu dah mati, so maybe rasa kesian lah kot.

2,3 hari jugaklah I fikir whether or not to jawab email dia.Tapi last-last, dia hantar I another email cakap, kawannya si stewardess MAS tu dah balik KL pun tapi bungkusan tu ada ditinggalkan kat hotel.

So last Saturday, I was at that hotel (gigih ni..nak collect barang punya pasal) in HSK yang largely populated by steward/stewardess tu.Ada lah satu envelope cinonet for me (panas hati I..ingatkan adalah pack XXL ke or intan berlian gittew)

Guess what.....dalam envelope itu ada

a) A letter handwritten by Sham (kompem asli oooohh)
b) A note from kawan dia (si despatch tak bertauliah tu)
c) A CD, with all our songs.

It was meant for my 35th birthday....last year.

Mak..........rasa nak nangis!!!!

Update

Setelah puas berjoli sakan selama 2 minggu tak hengat kat London, I dah pun kembali ke Dorset tempat tumpah air hingusanku ini…semalam masa I menulis report, between certain-certain dates tu, I propah kata I buat lawatan kat Sepital-Sepital serata West London (tempat bernaungnya my patient yang telah di section under MHA 3). Yang betul nya, I jenguk 2 sepital aje, yang lagi satu Sepital (bukan hospital sebenar) tu kat area Bayswater, boleh kau menipu cam gitu sekali? I pi bercemolot sakan dengan 2 jenjantan pahtu I cakap kat Boss I buat kerja luar opis.

You all (especially kau Kiah!!!!) janganlah sesekali ingat I ni selalu menipu company I and mengular sewaktu bekerja…takde you. I ni sungguhlah muslimah sejati bila masuk bab-bab kerja ni.Apa kata orang tu, bekerja itukan satu ibadah…(kurang ajar la kan..ibadah yang wajib nya tak buat!!!!) Kiranya, if I want to look at my work as the ibadah, it is as similar as semayang 5 waktu, tapi I buat 2 atau 3 aje. Yang lainnya, I memonteng. Macam orang yang kerja kat Sepital Besar tu…kerja adalah 4 jam yang seriusnya..yang selebihnya dia tido.Kalaulah tempat kerja I ada kerusi hempuk like that I pun akan tidur jua…Cuma nya, tempat kerja I ni, kalau nak tidur kang, buat nya masa tulah patient-patient nak menggila, tak ke nanti I ni mati dalam tidur????

I juga ingin memohon mahap kepada sesiapa yang cuba telepon I…mobile phone I tertinggal kat Opis I yang kat Twickenham tu. Oleh kerna tiadanya mobile phone, I juga tak dapek nak tipun sesiapa pasal, ye lah..kita ni dah kena manja dengan segala speed dial dalam telepun tu, so I tak akan ingat nombor phone orang lain. Mintak hampun laa….

On my first day return to Dorset, salji telah turun dengan mencurah-curah dah menyusahkan perjalanan I. let me tell you, salji ni hanya chantekkk bila dia turun banyak-banyak and putih berseri…tapi, bila dia dah start mencair, habis lecak and mengotorkan telekung aje (kat sesiapa yang pergi semayang kat sojid tu)

I have to walk from Dorchester train station to my Dorset workplace…it is quite a long walk tapi I suka jalan kaki…yelah, semenjak cuaca sejuk ni, my tabiat makan pun berubah, as if I can eat for England gittew…habislah cita-cita ku nak jadi ramping macam Girls Aloud. Walking at the same time salji turun sangatlah seksa, especially bila you hanya memakai trainers saja.So terpaksalah I jalan ber speedkan siput babi sambil control ayu hoping that I tak kan jatuh tergolek tergelincir dek salji turned ice ittew. Perjalanan yang selalunya will take 20 minutes for me alih-alih jadi dekat 45 minutes, mana salji masuk bijik mata…mencairkan Max Factor foundation ku (promo make up brand, boleh?) Ada jugak jejantan gagah yang jalan sungguh cool nya passes me by. Seeing them walking macam takde masalah (ye lah, masing-masing tu pakai boot, mana tak jalan dengan confident nya) membuatkan hatiku menjerit..ohh Abang, berikahlah dahan untuk ku berpaut…although quite literally I am referring the dahan as his lengan but I am certain that Kiah is thinking his appendage…well endowed appendage.

I managed to fix my laptop…wah syukurnya!!! But buat masa tu, aku tak le kuasa nak mengangkutnya kesana kemari, so it stays in London for now.

I would also like to thank those yang sungguh baik hati, showering me with compliments…liking this blog, and what is in it. To those yang baru terperasan akan konsep ke Sri Siantanan I, had you notice my earlier posts (bukan 3,4 bulan kebelakangan ni..) I selalu juga menjawab pertanyaan berupa soklan-soklan gangguan emosi. Ye lah…time-time I selalu jumpa patient-patient.

For those yang hantar email memintak nasihat yang I belum lagi jawab…sabar lah ye.nanti ada masa and bila Boss tak Nampak, I akan cuba jawab kemusykilan you all.

Selamat Tahun Baru kepada Cik M, her laki and 3 daughters kat Kedah nun…..

Questions & Answers

Question 1. Cik Ruby, Tidakkkkkk.....saya bukanlah budak TKC.You got to be really pandai macam Dentist kat UKM tu or Nutritionist kat Nestle or Lawyer kat Wisma Denmark tu, if you nak masuk TKC. I ni tergolong dalam category TBP, takberapapandai and did not get 5a's in my standard 5 assessment test.So, bye bye TKC. Hello Sek Men IJ Convent, Jalan Datuk Bandar Tunggal.

Question 2. The Negeri Sembilan's Ruler, apparently married girls from the same household.Father...DYMM Tuanku Abdul Rahman wed Tunku Khursiah (Sister A), DYMM Tuanku Munawir wed Tunku Durah (Sister B) and DYMM Tuanku Jaafar wed Tunku Najihah (Sister C). Sister A,B and C father is Tunku Burhanuddin who is the son of Tuanku Antah. Although they have a same father, their omak mesti lain-lain.Biasalah...jantan bilo dah kayo, ramai bini eh.I think, Sister A and B, got the same mother while sister C is from the 2nd mother.Another fact that I know is Sister C's eldest daughter marries her eldest brother's (from their father's 1st wife) son.So, Cik Gee..hope this answers your question.

Question 3. Cik Noor, No, you do not inherit penyakit mental.It is very unfortunate to have a family member who suffers from Schizophrenia.But common cause is a chemical imbalance in one's body.Smoking cannabis may induce this, but you just don't produce schizophrenia babies just because your or your partner's or your forefathers has schizophrenia.From what you describe, your son may have Asperger Syndrome, but it is very early to tell for a 4 years old boy.Can I also tell you that I am not a qualified clinician thus I cannot diagnose any unusual behaviour.Behaviour and diagnosis are two separate entities.While a child should behave like a child much to their parents chagrin,we really have to let the nature runs its course.Anak yang lasak dan pelik perangainya tidak menjanjikan Anakku Sazali bila dia dewasa. With all the luck, he may transform into Raihan's boy. He is only 4, biarlah dia memecah pinggan mangkuk Cik Noor yang mahal-mahal tu and menerajang bapaknya.I would, if I could introduce a firm boundaries...as much as you want to love and educate your child, fact must beknown to a child is that you are the parents and you are in control.The problem with the newage and old age parents is they all suka benar buat comparison.Every children ada individuality, bak kata orang biar bersakit-sakit dahulu.If I may share, I am not a dreamchild either when I was lot younger. Apart from ada MCS (middle child syndrome), I shied away and isolated myself.But if I can now give you this advice, I'm sure I did not turn out bad.

Question 4. Oh Cik Aleeya, I cannot answer that question. And I don't think you can too.How long have you been married? 7 years? You can be married for 30,40 tahun pun still you can't understand the man who you have been sleeping next to.If you want a man who talk about their feelings, then lookout for a gay men.Men generally like to be and feel powerful and you hardly ever heard any problems from them.You can only see their sensitive side when they want something from you.They know how to attract their preferred audience...especially young naive girls who will feel so kesian yang they all tu berbinikan pompuan garang (kunun nya lah) macam Cik Aleeya.Too bad you found the text messages.That does not implicate an affair.Text messages and email can easily be misunderstood.We yang pompuan-pompuan ni pun kenkadang ada jugak mengantar email or text yang boleh tahan suggestive nya kat kengkawan jantan kita.What do we make of that? Affair kah? If you suspect that he is having an affair, then you should ask him.Buat apa tanya kat orang lain.Ingatlah, selagi dia tak memukul kita or mencuri duit kita, kalau dia nak menyundal sampai kena tangkap basah, biaq pi lah dia.This is the time you re invent yourself and show him what he will be missing if he messes about.Tak guna Cik Aleeya nak memeningkan kepala sampai dapat barah otak pun, baiklah semua tenaga tu digunakan untuk menjaga anak, menjaga diri dan bersuka ria.Tak gitu?

Sekian.