About Me

Friday, June 20, 2014

World Bestest WhatsApp Group

1) The Chef
From the conversations..be it one way or mutual way, memang kerja sidia ni masak, masak dan masak. First thing she will tell you what she will or have cooked for breakfast. So fixated with the dunia masakan, kalau dia tak masak pun, she will tell you apa orang lauin masak i.e. time dia kesiangan dan menapau nasik lemak depan rumah nya..so she will tell you what lauk she picked. She is the expert, I'm telling you. If one member cakap, her kari ikan or assam pedas tak jadi, this chef can tell from afar yang apa condiment yang kurang. You bagitau lah dia yang ayam masak kicap you tetiba rasa macam Milo Ice, she will say, ohh..tadi you agaknya tertuang Milo instead of kicap Mahsuri ..gittew. Since your 'force' entry into this group, you taktau nak balas conversation nya tang mana..ye lah, kepandaian memasak hanyalah limited kepada mihun goreng, tu pun atas bantuan serbuk perencah. For the life of you, you can never tell what effect a daun kesum can have in a lauk let alone to disperse petua on how to defrost ayam tanpa membuang rasa 'manis' ayam tu. Hek elehh...tah mana part yang manis kat ayam tu pun you taktau, apatah lagi nak tolong preserved, kan??? Once upon a time The Chef was a banker. But she said she had enough of trouble orang gaji lari..pendek kata, in her household, yang belum lari dari rumah nya hanyalah dirinya..so she said to her Encik Asben, she want to be FT mum. She has started her FT chef job last year, so since last year lah conversation dia dgn orang adalah berkisar tentang serai dan patologi Ikan.

2) The busiest PA
Yes, you hardly hear her talk..apart from ocassional hello...salam...stresss stresss hu hu hu. But a round of applause is due to her. Sebab dalam pada dia busy-busy tu, we know where she shopped, her selfies with recent handbag, her selfies at high tea, tea party, slap up dinner function, her spotless office desk, pemandangan dari dalam kereta berlatar belakangkan lambang Lexus dan accessories terbaru dirinya.

3) The Born Again Muslim
Once upon a time, she was ALL that. Boipren keliling pinggang. Admirer taking turns to pursue her. Satu pergi seploh mari orang kata. Kalau hari ni clash dgn boipren C, she no need to nangis-nangis or buat post mortem perasaan to see or reflect what went wrong. All that NO need. Because by the time C is 2 step behind, D dah datang ketuk pintu. Gittew lah popular nya. POMMM! She went for Umrah. She came back Wardina bordering Abby Abadi. Everything is Islamic. It seems like she has no recollection at all about her past. Her daily posting is ayat-ayat Quran, Hadith and the like. Syukurrr. But the problem with born again Muslim ni...like what I just said, she has no recollection about her past. Everything that came out from her mouth are so militantly extreme that you even question where have you known her from...sekolah pondok ke aku dulu? Gittew. To this born again Muslim, syiar Islam orang lain semuanya salah...tak macam dia punya. Like any other muslim extremist, she is also anti Yahudi. Not only Yahudi....she is also actively hating other non Muslim. She is against anything that have no sijil halal...including ABC kedai Swee Kang yang dia dah pulun dari zaman telanjang dia tu. Cadbury furore has turned her hysterical...in her FB. If your tudung is not syariah compliant...short of few cm maka your tutup aurat effort is useless. Her ustaz of course is better than yours. You don't play-play.

4) The Entrepreneur
Okay, truth be told, she was the one who initiate the group...hence the admin. Well, her ayat penyedap ego was, masa kita kat sekolah, kita adalah puak2 yang happy. She misses all that and wish to relive the glory of girls just wanna have fun (katanya) again. FUN lah sangat. After a while, you are struggling to define FUN in between iklan supplement Cakleee and Telekung Lycra murah. Her idea of fun is you ordering kuih muih cupcakes kek bertingkat laskar pelangi on a weekly basis. Then of course, her signature health products cures all the penyakit in the worls (kecuali mati) and she got the longest testimonial of her happy customers that she is more than happy to cut and paste and flood your timeline with.

5) Nabila Huda (The)
Hmmm. She got reputation...but she was the pandai one. She and Born Again Muslim was orbiting the same galaxy. With the label, no prize in guessing whether or not dia dah dapat cahaya kebenaran macam Born Again Muslim. Now, she became Born Again Muslim target to nasihat. Nabila Huda being her Nabila HUda self, today if you tegur she V shape t shirt is dangerously low, tomorrow she will upload her pic with two piece bikini sipping ....Sangria. You think she care ah? Secretly we think Nabila Huda enjoyssss being the centre of kutuk attention. The more you kutuk, the more she will tell you she don't care what you think....though...if you read between the line, she actually care so much that she upload her daring photos daily. She wants you to say something about her smoking and drinking. Of course she care...kalau tak takkan dia update status dia berhentikan anak dia dari sekolah KAFA, ye tak? Dia nak kau meghoyan lah tu Born Again Muslim oiii....

6) The Reluctant Members
There are 4 of us. The only text you can see from us is 'Wasalam'. Sebab tak jawab salam kann dosa..nak nak situkang bagi salam dah demand you jawab salam nya and those dalam hati version is not counted. The 4 members...god knows mencari alasan high and low nak keluar group. But together they fear, the other 5 members kecik ati. So they endure...endure..and endure. Accumulating dosa kering they said. One was saying that No. 1 and No. 3 should have their own group because ..they both chatted so much about things only the both know. Hek elehhhh. If No. 1 masuk cakap pasal Ayam Rosemary, No. 3 will sing her praises like No. 1 akan masuk syurga or collect banyak pahala sebab melayan swomi nya. The reluctant members has long suspected that No. 4 is the dalang...and that she (No.4) created the group is for the sake of nak majukan bisness. One of the reluctant member asked, eh..if No. 3 is so alim, why is she pokpeking about malam jumaat business with No.1 and No.4?  But we really have to salute this bunch of reluctant members...they care about the other 5 feelings so much that they are dying inside something rotten. Biorlah dosa kering bertimbun tapi sesungguhnya, kita jgn lah keluar dari group ni takut kengkawan kita tu kecik ati.

7) The One That Got Away
Muahahahahahhaha. It is me. The reluctant members was saying that I missed a lot of news because I left the group. Truth is..they are envious. How did I got out?  Well...people say, the crime that you must watch out for is the opportunist crime. I took the opportunity and strike. Something like kes ragut but of course, not as bad as that. I have endured so many bullshit. Air mineral haram sebab jirat cina malarkey, some silly fatwa don't know written by who...all those ayat suci yang di translate mengikut citarasa dan mood sendiri oleh Born Again Muslim. One day, can't remember who...shared the picture of orang mati. Well..BINGO. I gave my piece of mind with onslaught of kata-kata hikmah lagi psycho. Then I click exit group and delete. How brazen. I told the reluctant members...keep looking for more opportunity to escape. This WhatsApp group is like a house with no pintu pintu belakang. You cannot leave senyap2. Your exit will be published and forever scarred the brain of the other hardcore members. I know of the other two who got away..but the trouble that they had to go through...telling the other phone depa hilang and phone baru takdak WhatsApp and secretly had to maintain the other phone line other group members don't know about. The price they have to pay is to hidup dalam ketakutan....ketakutan untuk terserempak dgn member No. 4 in the real world and forced again to give phone numbers to be re added.

Nasib la kau Melah ehh.


Psst. I am planning to make this blog exclusive for a little while. This is your opportunity to be gone forever as a protest for my fickle-mindedness.But to those who wish to stay, you know what to do. :)  If I am gone, I am gone okayyy?  Tata bebeh.

Monday, June 16, 2014

Equal Ops Racist

Yuhuuuu uols. Tell me why we are so addicted to social media bendalah punca nya kenaikan BP yang bertingkat-tingkat?

Disebabkan saya ni telah menjadi penduduk area Jin Bertendang ni...well, to some, but ni lah tempat nya I cari makan ye uols, sejauh-jauh alam pun. ...maka adalah wajar jugalah saya masuk Pesbuk page diorang yang rerata ahlinya adalah berbangsa Chee Chong Fun ittew.

Setelah menduduki Negara-Negara luar dari Malaya, rasanya, bangsa yang boleh digeneralise adalah bangsa Yennadey je uols. Walaupun mereka adalah British Yennadey, and I am sure people can vouch this, berlagak tak hengat bila mendapat kuasa tu adalah perkara biasa.

Semasa saya menolak trolley dulu, pernah juga Yennadey yang berpassport BIRU dan berkemahiran ber skipping USA ..err USA ye walaupun nama nya Tharumalinggam Veerasamy..tu dia hengattt. Biasalah USA uols, po tayyy toesss, oh my guard...gittew...telah mendemand dia pakai toilet Business Class kerana katanya dia tak nak share dgn bangsa Yennadey yang lain yang tak reti menjaga kebersihan katanya. Katanya lagi...SQ musti mau ada toilet untuk European dan American.

Seperti biasa, saya hanya mampu menjawab, our lavatory is open to all nationals, Sir :)

Then masa saya kerja dgn gomen UK kannn....opkos ramai medical professional nya berbangsa Yennadey. Di Uk pulak Yennadey kenkadang ber feeling mereka lagi whackkkk dari gagak. Nak nak yang muda2, as if Rappers Snoop Dog tu sebanrnya berbangsa Yennadey la mereka tiru dressing and style abis-abisan. Ptuiii.

Berlagak nya...tuhannn sajalah yang tahu.

With social scenery in Malaya goings sideways now...ye lah, dgn Melayu ngata Cina, Melayu ngata Hendia etc etc, dengan kewujudan PEKASAM yang konon nya nak menyelamat kan melayu, hel elehhhh haiii.

Lately pulak...ada pulak lah yang buat mcm mcm provocation kannn, dgn memula tu si Sohai dua ekor tu ajak Muslim bukak puasa dgn Bak Kut Teh. Maka ngamuk lah melayu...tanpa mereka sedari yang reaction tu lah yang si sohai dua ekoq tu nak tgk. Bangsa melayu and babi, like allergic kuasa dewata gitu. DNA babi terlepas masuk dalam badan, nak cuci darah lah sanggup nya.

The Melayu said..the sohai insulted the Muslim. But ramainya jejantan muslim pi melepak kat Subang Parade sewaktu semayang Jumaat, tak lah pulak menghina agama, kan?

Dua hari lepas, adalah sorang MELAYU ni ngamuk dalam FB page tempat I kerja ni. Katanya posting dia (yg mempromote kelas exercise) telah di padam oleh admin yang juga adalah Ching Chong Fun. Dia tuduh admin adalah racist dan mengeluarkan kata2 kesat barat ye uols. Sampai I terpanggil la untuk tegur. I ni kan kenkadang suka pulak ter emo dgn kebodohan melayu...ye lah, buat malu lah depan kaum  Ching Chong Fun tu kann? I cakap lah..tengok la rules page ni, activity business mmg tak dibenarkan. Takdenya racist oii.

Dia kata I kiss ass tau, uols!!! Pastu habislah dia panggil orang retard lah eff eff semua kluaq dan puak Ching Chong Fun ni pulak dgn diplomatic nya menjawab tohmahan.

Wah uols...kenapakah bangsa Melayu kita jadi kurang hajar camtu uols? I banyak betul tengok komen kata2 kesat. Nak kata Ching Chong Fun tu mulia sangat bahasa idok lah I tahu kan..kalau memasing dah komen cakap Cina, but yg melayu ni cepat benar jump the gun, dan bercakap mcm orang tak sekolah!

Then I pulak still cannot brain iklan-iklan jamu Melayu yang musti cakap, suami saya kata semenjak saya minum air akar etc etc, saya telah ketat etc etc macam memula kawin. Ewww tau uols..ewwwwww!

I think it would be unfair to generalise race...ye lah, kalau yang dah keturunan kuat mencarut tu uols, tak kisah lah melayu ke Cina kannn?

Karang kalau kita kata, bangsa Melayu ni tak rajin membaca dan kureng ilmu, kecik lah pulak hati. Tapi memang betul tau. Tadi I sindir kawan FB I ni sedas...well setelah hati dah tak tertahan-tahan dgn posting sengal nya yg sekejap-jekap Prf Muhaya pastu bila dia sampuk langsuir, mencai maki bagai... dia telah share satu fatwa or hadis lah konon yang kita ni takleh panggil laki kita Ayah ka, Daddy etc..or kita ni takleh panggil bini kita Ummi ka Mama ka..sebab akan disamakan dgn maksud nama itu..like, you call your husband Daddy, haram..dia laki kau, bukan Daddy kau. Something like that lah kann.

Bodoh nya uolssss. Siapa lak kata nama panggilan cenggitu haram? Kita ni kalau nak panggil laki kita Gajah Liar pun boleh ye....idok ke terfikir, yang Allah itu maha bijaksana, kita ni panggil satu nama sebab nak standardise kan , ye lah...nak panggil laki kita baby, anak bungsu pun kita panggil baby..lahhh.

Whilst one can understand that a person opinion may differ, like, kita tak lah boleh rasa kita ni je yang betul...kan? Tapi, apakah bodoh sangat kita takleh nak berfikir menda-menda yang logic?

This lady, sokmo share status UAI tu...hamboiii tak cukup dgn share status, dia tambah perisa lah lagi dgn kata-kata hikmah dia. You know, dia ni set-set setazah dah sekarang....dah pakai jubah gittew padahal masa kat sekolah dulu, kalau balik dari dating dgn pakwe ke 18 dalam masa setahun, siap bertanda-tanda kat leher ye!!! Dia bagi lah lecture kat all those fomfuens yg tak makai tudung ni (I yang tak ber cover ni..adakalanya terasa lah jugak..but hey...) and she cakaplah, don't be so berlagak and say kita kubur lenlain etc SEBAB BESOK YANG NGURUSKAN JENAZAH KO..ORANG LAIN GAK..katanya.

The fact that I pernah ternampak dia masa menziarah kematian, takde pun dia nak offer baca yassin, lagi dia mau cakap cenggitu, kann?

So, adalah status UAI yang encourage bini bagi laki kawin lebih..and dgn selamba nya I tanya dia..eh, u kan idolised pak haji tu so much, that Pak Haji kalau nak preach cara hidup bak Rasulullah nombor satu tapi dia nya bawak keta ghopa pelesit (ehh..tersasar) do you not want to share his words of wisdom yang ni pulak ke?

Berani tak jawab ye uols!

Ni lah dia melayu. Bila tegur racist, dah la mmg semenjak dua menjak terasa insecure ni jadik la racist kann? Then she PM me and kata, where's is my semangat kemelayuan?

I cakap, I ni racist gak..tapi I equal ops okay..melayu ka cina ka..hendia ka..kalau binawe, semua nya akan kena sedas.

Don't talk lah about semangat kemelayuan with me...if you are so melayu, why you hantar message dgn ayat sy nk tanye awak, ap mslh u dgn owg mayu..

Hek elehh..bahasa melayu tak nak respek, lagi mau question I punya semangat melayu???

Podah la...

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

When Difficult Conversations Go Wrong

Have you been there? Well...we all have.

We all know that we're meant to discuss problems like a rational adult. But one can't help to get emotional...and personal. Tupp....conversation escalates into a row.

People kann..always blame their current state of mind. Ohh I was a bit emosi lah masa tu, sebab I dah takleh muat baju favourite I...

Perlukah kita menyesal bila kita ter bergaduh pulak dgn orang bila tak semena-mena? Well, yes and no. All I can say is that how you feel afterwards.

If you feel useless, hopeless what have you...then yes, analyse lah balik. You both maybe wasn't in the right state of mind. But knowing yourself better, would you have a long conversation with a friend if your mind ada DNA babi..well I mean, contaminated? (disturbed)

Conversation between two person or more, should come with a warning. Ada benda yang orang cakap, kita tak suka dengar. Pastu emo. Kalau emo tu yang bangsa dok dendiam dan pujuk diri sendiri ataupun tunggu kena pujuk, takpelah jugak. But kalau dapat jenis yang emo dan terkeluar true colour i.e. perangai lahanat cam bebudak, then you know..it wasn't conversation that you had with this kind of people, but it is a power struggle actually.

People should address their bigger issue, separately..maksud I, kalau you memang ada issue dgn orang lain, jangan lah pulak nak emo dengan orang lain, kan? We often bring up an issue with the aim of getting our point across and getting our own way.

Well, sometimes when you can't, too bad lah kan.

One unsuccessful conversation, is not the end of the world. It may cost a friendship..or a relationship...but if you rethink, your issue with that person is just an accident waiting to happen. So, if you have parted ways because of bad conversation, then..you should by all mean..bersyukur lah ko ada excuse nak blah.

Masa I balik kampong bebaru ni..well, I happy tau balik kampong..walaupun orang tak happy...takpelah nak buat cemana kann? Orang suka tengok I miserable kot. This good friend of mine sudah berpotong cake dgn BFF nya. Dah banyak kali jugak lah mereka ni potong cake, but this guy dalam pada dia tu diva nak mampus, senantiasa mengingati budi baik orang tu kat dia...

I cakap lah dgn this guy...you tak bercerita keburukan dia kat orang pun dah kira baik la. You cannot always feel indebted to him (walaupun mmg lah BFF nya tu yang bersusah senang bersama) but to have a hold on people just because ko banyak menabur budi, then perhaps, you should question lah..ikhlas ke ko menolong in the first place?

I have deal with a lot of stonewaller (err menda ni Makji?------> People who flatly refuse to discuss problems and like to walk away..thinking that that make them a champion) enough to know that if you keep meeting this kind of person along your way, then your relationship dgn dia mmg la ber problem. Your difficult conversations maybe a warning signs.

Some of us may find it difficult to deal with the one yang asal nak bercakap heart to heart je, nangis. It begs you to think that dia sesaja je nangis sebab nak menang. Childish sungguh! Come up lah with so many excuse pun...but if your cries get in way, bila nya nak solve problem, kan?

I have been in a counselling where in woman...sokmo nangis aje bila dia nak start cakap. Sessions yang ke empat pun masih nangis (ngabiskan duit NHS betul tau!) sampai I fed up and tanya, everytime you want to talk about it, you cry. Nampak sangatlah willingness nak membaikpulih issue tu takde langsung, sokmo dek bagi excuse je. This is me...I am vulnerable like this, katanya ...when secara terang nya bermaksud, I will do exactly what I like (crying)

If you are this fictitious emotional wreck, be mindful that..orang akan fed up jua. nangis lah dua hari dua malam...fine, then enough with that, deal with your problem head on lah.

We cannot change other people ye adik-adik..but what we can do is to change our reaction to them..no matter who you're talking to be it crazed hostage taker. If kalau orang tu mmg set-set nak menag aje, give them lah what they want....they want you to know they're upset with you, kan? Biaq lah...so you're upset, and?

Babaiii....